hmm... i'm gonna say this the last time... i refuse to think otherwise! yeah, my younger sis thinks i'm paranoid... it's kind of difficult not to think otherwise... when u are trying to draw me into your life... it's real difficult... i will push aside for now... though, it's kind of hard for him... yeah.... that's it... frens, frens and frens... that's not too bad....
been studying in sch with yoke... haha... it's fun, as in u don't feel that alone.... i think that the guys in NTU are very hardworking... mugging like nobody's shit... and when i asked mag, she says that only happens in the acc fac... hiaz... it's very stressful, in the sense that they have their pirorities mapped out, and i'm like, going with the flow, see how each day takes me... i'm trying to feel the heat for exams, but it's not succeeding... i need to be stress, but i'm not, and my first paper is next wednesday... aargh... i'm only still at chapter 2 out of 9 chapters.... i'm gonna die man... wish me luck...
hmm... nothing much to type... except that i don't really want to stay at home... my dad is home most of the time, and i don't really want to face and talk to him... i know i'm really bad, but i have no choice... because, i'm really afraid that i will be rude to him again, something that i don't want... yeah.... that's all... i think online activities will come to an end soon with the exams coming... and that, it will help me get over u faster... which will be easy, i guess...
that's all... nitez!
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
last tutorial of the sem
there's AB114 presentation today... i know my presentation was kind of sucky.... i got a bad feeling that i would be the first person to present.... guess what? i was.... it was quite funny actually, to be the first to present, cos, i just get to sit through boring presentations... hmm, i know and didn't prepare that much, as in i didn't practise a lot... i usually would practise until it was smooth... but last night... hiaz... i came to the laptop, with the fulll purpose of practising my speech.... then, mz has to talk to me... i was like, k, i shall chat till 12... and guess what, we just continue chatting.... he was nice lar, i told him i have presentation... he says that when i need to practise, just let him know... the thing is, he's that kind who seldom comes online, so, i was caught up in chatting with him.... hiaz.... so, didn't get to practise that much, cos, mum came home, and i had to sleep....
chatted with yoke too.... but the point is.... hiaz.... i shld learn to disclipine myself more strictly... i dunno whether have u discovered this thing abt msn... it's when u set to busy mode, whoever that comes online will be made unknown to u... yeah, i log off b4 him, at abt 11 plus... to do my speech.... and i wasn't expecting him to be online when i came on... but thing is, he did came online while i was chatting with mz.... the thing abt chatting with mz is, he makes me forget abt my problems, too much crappy stuff lar.... so, i wasn't even aware that he came online...
when he asked me that i'm still bz, i got a shock... well, it's like after i have settled the part, that i wld not think abt this issue anymore.... i wasn't expecting anything, much less chatting with him.... but then, yeah, he came and chatted with me.... i was quite happy, in the sense that he did noticed that i was online b4.... well, then, i was telling yoke that i really dunno abt this whole thing... she was like, why u guys chat abt such personal stuff.... i'm like, i really dunno... it's really hard for me to read this whole issue.... i dunno what to feel towards him....
it's like, i have this fear of having one-sided affairs... thus, generally, when i have good feelings towards this person, i will tend to try to guage the other party, before, i confirm to continue... follow me? now, when i see him, for eg, this morning, it's like i feel nothing.... i dunno whether it's because sub-consciously, i'm trying to see him as a normal fren, but then, when i'm alone, it's a different matter.... what does this ambiguity shows? i'm really confused... perhaps, u may just think that let God decide, or fate permits, the thing is, i'm not looking for any answers right now.... i don't even need a confirmation from u.... but frens, it's really kind of hard to think that way, when u come to say bye to me, before u slp? and tell me abt personal feelings..... at least, u make a point to... how do u want me to think?
this is really sucky, before exams, to have this issue looming.... perhaps, i should not think so much abt it... and that, if i dun come online, all this will not appear, all the confusion and misreadings.... but i can't help but think, perhaps, it's just meant to be? hiaz... whateva for now....
and u have to behind me while queuing for the bus... dotz....
hiaz... i haven decide whether to maple or not... perhaps, i shall for a while.... and will mug for IT quiz later... giving tuition when there's a quiz the next day is not really nice, but they are having exams...
yeah, and got an A for the OB report... nothing much felt towards it, just that, cos, i didn't put much input into it.... not that i dun wanna to, the whole grp has condemned me... asked another fren in another grp, it's the same case to... perhaps, or really, they are the ones with the problem... i mean, they didn't even confer with me to give everyone full marks for sharing, and u guys keep me out of stuff, and u expect me to read ur minds, when u dun even wanna integrate me in grp stuff... i admit, i didn't try to act chumy with the grp, while, it's not me, and u guys are already a tight-fit.... but the thing is, if u have decided abt stuff... dun wanna let me know, and give me attitude now... if, there's not my grp, i wld have enjoy lessons... and i didn't do my OB tutorial today, so kind of sad that i can't contribute in class... hiaz.... sry, mrs ching.... i dun really know how they feel, just that, whatever, i have accepted this... and just take it...
the thing is, i don't really think the problem lies with me, just that, if i can perform alright in my IT grp, whose dynamics is OK, for OB grp, what's the problem then? hiaz... whatever lar...
mugging for IT... hiaz, dunno whether shld come online or not....
chatted with yoke too.... but the point is.... hiaz.... i shld learn to disclipine myself more strictly... i dunno whether have u discovered this thing abt msn... it's when u set to busy mode, whoever that comes online will be made unknown to u... yeah, i log off b4 him, at abt 11 plus... to do my speech.... and i wasn't expecting him to be online when i came on... but thing is, he did came online while i was chatting with mz.... the thing abt chatting with mz is, he makes me forget abt my problems, too much crappy stuff lar.... so, i wasn't even aware that he came online...
when he asked me that i'm still bz, i got a shock... well, it's like after i have settled the part, that i wld not think abt this issue anymore.... i wasn't expecting anything, much less chatting with him.... but then, yeah, he came and chatted with me.... i was quite happy, in the sense that he did noticed that i was online b4.... well, then, i was telling yoke that i really dunno abt this whole thing... she was like, why u guys chat abt such personal stuff.... i'm like, i really dunno... it's really hard for me to read this whole issue.... i dunno what to feel towards him....
it's like, i have this fear of having one-sided affairs... thus, generally, when i have good feelings towards this person, i will tend to try to guage the other party, before, i confirm to continue... follow me? now, when i see him, for eg, this morning, it's like i feel nothing.... i dunno whether it's because sub-consciously, i'm trying to see him as a normal fren, but then, when i'm alone, it's a different matter.... what does this ambiguity shows? i'm really confused... perhaps, u may just think that let God decide, or fate permits, the thing is, i'm not looking for any answers right now.... i don't even need a confirmation from u.... but frens, it's really kind of hard to think that way, when u come to say bye to me, before u slp? and tell me abt personal feelings..... at least, u make a point to... how do u want me to think?
this is really sucky, before exams, to have this issue looming.... perhaps, i should not think so much abt it... and that, if i dun come online, all this will not appear, all the confusion and misreadings.... but i can't help but think, perhaps, it's just meant to be? hiaz... whateva for now....
and u have to behind me while queuing for the bus... dotz....
hiaz... i haven decide whether to maple or not... perhaps, i shall for a while.... and will mug for IT quiz later... giving tuition when there's a quiz the next day is not really nice, but they are having exams...
yeah, and got an A for the OB report... nothing much felt towards it, just that, cos, i didn't put much input into it.... not that i dun wanna to, the whole grp has condemned me... asked another fren in another grp, it's the same case to... perhaps, or really, they are the ones with the problem... i mean, they didn't even confer with me to give everyone full marks for sharing, and u guys keep me out of stuff, and u expect me to read ur minds, when u dun even wanna integrate me in grp stuff... i admit, i didn't try to act chumy with the grp, while, it's not me, and u guys are already a tight-fit.... but the thing is, if u have decided abt stuff... dun wanna let me know, and give me attitude now... if, there's not my grp, i wld have enjoy lessons... and i didn't do my OB tutorial today, so kind of sad that i can't contribute in class... hiaz.... sry, mrs ching.... i dun really know how they feel, just that, whatever, i have accepted this... and just take it...
the thing is, i don't really think the problem lies with me, just that, if i can perform alright in my IT grp, whose dynamics is OK, for OB grp, what's the problem then? hiaz... whatever lar...
mugging for IT... hiaz, dunno whether shld come online or not....
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
suddenly cleared
WHAT'S THE POINT IN LIKING SOMEONE WHOM U THINK LIKES U WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE U?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN TRYING TO KNOW ME WHEN U DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN GETTING TO KNOW U?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN BEING NICE TO SOMEONE WHO SHOWS U ATTITUDE?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN BEING MYSELF WHEN NOBODY CARES?
i'm deluding myself in many things...
hencefroth, i shall love only myself...
hiaz, got back my biz law le... i didn't set a high expectation for myself... thus, when i got back, i was like ok.... but then, others got very high... i wasn't very affected by it, just that why they can do it and i can't? hiaz... i feel very down, am i stupid or anything? its kind of demoralising when u get that kind of shit marks.... and that, ntu is super results-oriented... or perhaps, it's just the acc fac... wtf lar... come on, there's life after studies... everyone is going on like, if u dun get A, it's a freaking sin....
and i hate it when i'm making an effort to be nice to people, they don't appreciate it... come on, how much patience do u think i have? aargh.... i tried, k, i tried... it's just that, sometimes, when u r tired of trying, u just let it be.... is that the right way? i hope not... i will keep on trying.... but i can't do it alone...
went to eat lots and lots of food today... bought a charm bracelet too!! i'm really broke now!! then i went mini toons, and bought lots of marshmallows!! marshy!!! great... i ate mac in the morning, and BK for dinner.... hmm.... gonna get fat!!! i dun care!!! wtf, feel so bad mood today.... the shops will definitely earn $ from my bad mood!
my dad is crazy.... he thinks that the world will think of him as a bad parent... wtf, if he can think of it that way, he must not be a good parent man... i din't say it.... then why must he think of it in the first place... come on, who expects the iron to spoil now? and that, he does everything, without any rest since he comes home, i do that too, if he's not home... wtf, i don't complain ever.... why does he have to feel as though he's doing so much for the hse.... get a life, k... whatever, i just choose not to care anymore....
was chatting with jia ying abt jh and mz... haha, she's so funny... wanna know abt me... haha.... glad that we know more abt each other.... the talk we her has really cleared my head.... i now know that the suppression i initially had towards him has won.... since he does not show anything, i guess that i had no reason to feel anything.... i hate one-sided affairs and am not getting into one at all... that's it.... we are frens and nothing more.... it's like yiming.... i can close my heart tt easily... believe it or not..... it's too late le.... i will mourn for u once and that's it.... go and get a life....
hiaz, i need to do my speech and study for my IT quiz... wish me luck!!
WHAT'S THE POINT IN TRYING TO KNOW ME WHEN U DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN GETTING TO KNOW U?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN BEING NICE TO SOMEONE WHO SHOWS U ATTITUDE?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN BEING MYSELF WHEN NOBODY CARES?
i'm deluding myself in many things...
hencefroth, i shall love only myself...
hiaz, got back my biz law le... i didn't set a high expectation for myself... thus, when i got back, i was like ok.... but then, others got very high... i wasn't very affected by it, just that why they can do it and i can't? hiaz... i feel very down, am i stupid or anything? its kind of demoralising when u get that kind of shit marks.... and that, ntu is super results-oriented... or perhaps, it's just the acc fac... wtf lar... come on, there's life after studies... everyone is going on like, if u dun get A, it's a freaking sin....
and i hate it when i'm making an effort to be nice to people, they don't appreciate it... come on, how much patience do u think i have? aargh.... i tried, k, i tried... it's just that, sometimes, when u r tired of trying, u just let it be.... is that the right way? i hope not... i will keep on trying.... but i can't do it alone...
went to eat lots and lots of food today... bought a charm bracelet too!! i'm really broke now!! then i went mini toons, and bought lots of marshmallows!! marshy!!! great... i ate mac in the morning, and BK for dinner.... hmm.... gonna get fat!!! i dun care!!! wtf, feel so bad mood today.... the shops will definitely earn $ from my bad mood!
my dad is crazy.... he thinks that the world will think of him as a bad parent... wtf, if he can think of it that way, he must not be a good parent man... i din't say it.... then why must he think of it in the first place... come on, who expects the iron to spoil now? and that, he does everything, without any rest since he comes home, i do that too, if he's not home... wtf, i don't complain ever.... why does he have to feel as though he's doing so much for the hse.... get a life, k... whatever, i just choose not to care anymore....
was chatting with jia ying abt jh and mz... haha, she's so funny... wanna know abt me... haha.... glad that we know more abt each other.... the talk we her has really cleared my head.... i now know that the suppression i initially had towards him has won.... since he does not show anything, i guess that i had no reason to feel anything.... i hate one-sided affairs and am not getting into one at all... that's it.... we are frens and nothing more.... it's like yiming.... i can close my heart tt easily... believe it or not..... it's too late le.... i will mourn for u once and that's it.... go and get a life....
hiaz, i need to do my speech and study for my IT quiz... wish me luck!!
Monday, October 24, 2005
monday blues as always
hmm.... doing nothing much today... after this PQ, i'm gonna mug for IT le... it's a case of hearing too much and starting to panic.... hmm.... i guess, i really do sux, in the sense that i shld be studying.... and i will.... it's just the thought of starting that is so!! but i will.... and i have to... otherwise, i will face a fate worse than death...
hiaz... i understand that my pirority is studying, and that i should be very concerned for my grades... but in my point of view, it's not a pirority, as in when there are exams, i will definitely study for it... hiaz... i better do well for IT.... it'll be a motivation and a much-needed booster....
sianz....
hiaz... i understand that my pirority is studying, and that i should be very concerned for my grades... but in my point of view, it's not a pirority, as in when there are exams, i will definitely study for it... hiaz... i better do well for IT.... it'll be a motivation and a much-needed booster....
sianz....
decreasing
haha, think he's trying to find an excuse to talk to me? lolx... yoke certainly thinks so... hiaz.... see lar.... i guess, fate will decide, and God will say yes if its yes....
and i gave derek my number... dotz....
met someone from maple....
nice day i have....
and i gave derek my number... dotz....
met someone from maple....
nice day i have....
Sunday, October 23, 2005
a boring sunday...
it's another boring sunday afternoon... with nothing to do, just impending stuffs to mug for... and the thing is, i've just done my econs tutorial, hiaz.... sianz arh.... no mood to study, but i have the motivation... weird? yeah, definitely....
thanks jh for teaching me biz law... still quite blur on some parts..... yoke understands! i'll ask her next time.... hope she doesn't run away from me.... haha... and yoke dear, u can really crap online... the things u can come up with!! haha... take care...
my parents are on a weird streak, scolding and scolding... heck care.... just that, my mom has scolded my younger sis, and the thing is, asking me to tell her stuff is not my style... i don't like to waste energy on this kind of arguments/fights/quarrels... and she gets angry over things which started with the parents... it's frustrating, cos they don't listen to u at all? what the hell, it's difficult to survive in sch and working... and i have to cope with this.... who do they think i am? a siant? crazy...
and my mom has come up with this plan to switch off the internet at 1130... yeah, i understand her need to save electricity.... but it's getting out of hand, harping on the fan, lights and everything... yeah, my dad is retrenched.... but the thing is, not everything is abt $.... they keep saying and implying that we are their "investments", and it's kind of hard to talk to ppl who think like that.... yeah, i don't doubt they love us and all, but it sorta comes with a price? it's v sad yet when u get used to it, it does not matter that much.... it's only sometimes that when they scold out of hand, i just can't take it and tend to shut down everything...
hiaz.... sianz... gotta start studying for IT soon man....
thanks jh for teaching me biz law... still quite blur on some parts..... yoke understands! i'll ask her next time.... hope she doesn't run away from me.... haha... and yoke dear, u can really crap online... the things u can come up with!! haha... take care...
my parents are on a weird streak, scolding and scolding... heck care.... just that, my mom has scolded my younger sis, and the thing is, asking me to tell her stuff is not my style... i don't like to waste energy on this kind of arguments/fights/quarrels... and she gets angry over things which started with the parents... it's frustrating, cos they don't listen to u at all? what the hell, it's difficult to survive in sch and working... and i have to cope with this.... who do they think i am? a siant? crazy...
and my mom has come up with this plan to switch off the internet at 1130... yeah, i understand her need to save electricity.... but it's getting out of hand, harping on the fan, lights and everything... yeah, my dad is retrenched.... but the thing is, not everything is abt $.... they keep saying and implying that we are their "investments", and it's kind of hard to talk to ppl who think like that.... yeah, i don't doubt they love us and all, but it sorta comes with a price? it's v sad yet when u get used to it, it does not matter that much.... it's only sometimes that when they scold out of hand, i just can't take it and tend to shut down everything...
hiaz.... sianz... gotta start studying for IT soon man....
Friday, October 21, 2005
study!!
i feel v sleepy... maybe, too much playing and not much work done... anyway, cancelled my piano lesson for one month... real glad abt it, as in one stone has been lifted from my chest.... literally... haha....
yeah, and OB project is over... i'm so glad abt it....
hiaz, sometimes, i can't help but wonder abt how life has turn out for all of us.... for me, i'm gonna try to be more proactive next sem in projects... once bitten, twice shy... whatever... since, i'm trying to be nice and it doesn't work, let's be nasty and take the initiative.... and try to better the whole project... and i wanna find ppl, who understand and i'm farmiliar with... hopefully.... so that i'm more vocal... i'm tt kind, if under pressure, i can make it.... if not, i will be content... i'm easily content... i know that... is that good or bad? i seldom question abt things too... is that good or bad? hiaz, dun really wanna know... except tt i shld try to change too ba... so many things to do...
yoke told me today during econs lec that if i'm away from my family, i cannot survive... well, that set me thinking.... i guess, the first reaction was NO... i mean, i'm not that close to my parents... then, i most prob will miss my sisters, they are the ones who u know, listen to me... most prob, through contact, i will not miss them so much.... hiaz.... yoke, i really really feel for u... and that, most of us will have to face this issue sooner or something.... so, just thought of this.... lol...
i need to study badly.... and i'm kind of getting scared now... no panic yet, but rather i thought i know abt some stuff, but actually i don't really know... this is quite freaking... hiaz... i hope that i can get to know everything! esp. PA and BIZ LAW.... help~!
chatting with hwee min online abt him.... and i guess it is affecting me much more than i care to think abt it..... haha.... most prob, i know the end result le... the weird/strange thing is, i'm not looking towards something.... as in, i don't see us together or anything... i guess, it's really not towards that.... i certainly hope so....
hiaz.... sometimes, i just wish u can see how some things are impt. to me... and that, u can understand... someday, i really hope it will occur to u tt there are actually things more impt than urself... someday....
yeah, and OB project is over... i'm so glad abt it....
hiaz, sometimes, i can't help but wonder abt how life has turn out for all of us.... for me, i'm gonna try to be more proactive next sem in projects... once bitten, twice shy... whatever... since, i'm trying to be nice and it doesn't work, let's be nasty and take the initiative.... and try to better the whole project... and i wanna find ppl, who understand and i'm farmiliar with... hopefully.... so that i'm more vocal... i'm tt kind, if under pressure, i can make it.... if not, i will be content... i'm easily content... i know that... is that good or bad? i seldom question abt things too... is that good or bad? hiaz, dun really wanna know... except tt i shld try to change too ba... so many things to do...
yoke told me today during econs lec that if i'm away from my family, i cannot survive... well, that set me thinking.... i guess, the first reaction was NO... i mean, i'm not that close to my parents... then, i most prob will miss my sisters, they are the ones who u know, listen to me... most prob, through contact, i will not miss them so much.... hiaz.... yoke, i really really feel for u... and that, most of us will have to face this issue sooner or something.... so, just thought of this.... lol...
i need to study badly.... and i'm kind of getting scared now... no panic yet, but rather i thought i know abt some stuff, but actually i don't really know... this is quite freaking... hiaz... i hope that i can get to know everything! esp. PA and BIZ LAW.... help~!
chatting with hwee min online abt him.... and i guess it is affecting me much more than i care to think abt it..... haha.... most prob, i know the end result le... the weird/strange thing is, i'm not looking towards something.... as in, i don't see us together or anything... i guess, it's really not towards that.... i certainly hope so....
hiaz.... sometimes, i just wish u can see how some things are impt. to me... and that, u can understand... someday, i really hope it will occur to u tt there are actually things more impt than urself... someday....
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