my right leg hurts!!!!!! aargh!!! serves me right, i shld have warm up or something before i play badminton yesterday... hiaz, and i tried to run today... seems to have made it better, but it still hurts!! whenever i try to sit down or even bend my leg... poor thing i am... haha...

well, went with parents, twin sis, and ah mah to this jap restaurant at causeway point for lunch today. hmm, it was not bad, well, didn't really like my black pepper, a bit to salty.... but it was full!!! therefore, wanted to jog, otherwise, think i wouldn't be able to eat my dinner....

i really hope to lose abit of weight during the hols... haha, but i'm quite lazy though, have not run my usual distance yet, well, but i'm slowly increasing, i think... haha...

that's all, been doing cross-stitch, yes, cross-stitch for my younger sis... aargh!!! have not been doing for a long time, don't really miss it... just don't ask me why am i doing it... haha.... been reading abit too... yay!! ok, i really sound deprived... haha.... cya...

i've forgotten to blog abt 2 books i've read recently. haha, yes, i've started to read again. that is, books, i'm talking abt. the first is TAKE THIS WOMAN by Josephine Cox. i like the ideas that she has, talking abt how one trumatic experience, in this case, a rape, has closed the main character's heart, laura, into a cold one. the extent is such that she finds herself unable to love another, till she was in her early forties. there is this fear that is always hovering around her. however, she seems to want to force all the ideas without any thought to how the story should evolve, therefore, the writing is not that well and marvellous. the ideas were, telling us that we should not let any obstacles stop us from achieving our goals. in the process, we must also allow ourselves the opportunity to love another, trust another, basically, open up and not stop what we can, that is to show and shower love towards another.

the other one is IMPOSSIBLE by Danielle Steel. the writing style is typical of her. therefore, will not comment much on it. the theme of this story, as suggested by the title, is that love between 2 is fraught with difficulties and challenges. age, characteristics & background differences are the main ones. however, it is undeniable between the 2 lovers that there is this attraction, passion and bond that never seem to die whenever they part due to circumstances or situations due to their differences. it reminds me a little of my experience, however, in the story, the characters were rather much in love, which allows them to conquer anything. haha, all in all, it's just a story, but it struck a chord in me. impossibility turning into possibility, reminding me of this phrase, nothing is impossible. i do believe in this anyway. what is important is the courage to try, to believe that anything can work.

haha, madness, blogging abt book reviews. well, trying to make my life useful i guess... will carry on to read more!!

i had a great day today... as usual, it was spoilt, well, i have gotten used to it.... so, why do i even bother mentioning what spoilt it? perhaps, just a reminder to myself that life will always be like this, like ain't all rosy, nice, easy, simple and cute.... played badminton in sch with hq, hm & wx... sec sch mates!!! haven't seen them in a while, esp, wx... abt a year... it's great to be with them, the feeling somehow is different... i guess, it's really true that different ppl we hang out we give us different feelings, meanings and purpose.... talk lots....!!! hope that we get to go out often during the hols!!

met zy, he was playing badminton too, a guy from my AB114 class... haha... we somehow played mixed doubles with them, it was fun... as usual, i can't play with strangers, just this uncomfortable feelings i always have... i figured that i have to get rid of this feeling, so that, will be more of me... well, we all have to face strangers all the time, and perhaps, it's time to just know that they will always be there, and i have to cope with it...

talk lots abt stuff with hm today... it's great to talk abt things... hmm, meet many different kinds of people, and it never fail to amaze me how much people can take it upon themselves to think of the worse in every situation... is society such that we always think of the worst possible situation, when it doesn't usually mean or will happen... in the process, we lose out the interaction between friends, which matters most, the building of relationships, which will be the best reward in the end... but, that is really what life is abt? i really yearn for the simplicity of relationships, giving and taking unconditionally... it really is a dream, ain't it? there never is something unconditional. everything comes at a price and with strings attached... and, i have leant this lesson, the question is, have others? or they have already practised it unknowingly?

i've also learnt not to cry anymore. what's the point? the hurt will always be there, is it beyond repair? is there a need? acceptance, i have already taken it. why do u always take pleasure in hurting others for your self-satisfaction? is that all it matters? your happiness....? why not think of others for once? what do u gain from this brief self-satisfaction? that u have won somehow? perhaps, i'm missing something here, care to enlighten me... your expectations are unreasonable, i have never expected anything from u. is this all there is to it? expectaions? what abt love and encouragement? i never profess to have provided u with everything, i can't and never can. can u just take it that, i will always be there for u no matter what, and, is that not enough? i have been there already, it's u who can't let go of past hatred, never sharing, never seeing the need, because, u think i have done something that is beyond reconcilation... but have i? or have u? why must it be that complicated? we are just 2 people, who have a special bond, we can be there for each other, and take it as that. adding complications, hurting each other, in the long run, who wins? and does it matter to have a winner in this? tell me, make me understand everything, i really want to. but i guess, i never can.

life's a bitch, but i like my life, a lot. i never pray for forever, i pray for appreciation of what we have. i have already. i will treasure it and everyone.

i don't really know what i'm blogging, but it's what i'm feeling... pardon me for the confusion.

have been procrastinating with regards to blogging... well, everytime when i'm online, i'll just maple... or caught up in chatting that i forgotten... haha... anyway, it's just the usual happenings in my life....

yoke's back for a couple of days!! met up with her today...!! jm, jh, candy, yoke and i went to jy's house to play bridge... haha.... i really like playing bridge.... anyway, jy's family is so hospitable!! kept us for dinner... thanks so much!!!!

sometimes, when i think abt ppl, a wave of sadness will sweep over me. ppl are replacable. the question is, how much? when i think further abt it, it actually doesn't mean anything, because, i'm the only one who can sense it, and i think the other person involved can't sense it.... it's really simple, because i've expected it to happen, just that, it has already, and so soon as that... how can i compete? it's not a competition, i know, but perhaps, i'm just more sensitive.... think too much... well, heck, i can think what i want right.... and i happen to think this way. then after the other party goes away, i will be back into the picture again, i'm not complaining, just that, why are people like that? so practical, so functional. i'll have to accept it, then. that's it, simple as that.

hiaz... hope this week is as fun as the other!!

my right arm, or rather my right upper body is still hurting!!! it's from the 2hr badminton and 1 hr plus swimming i had yesterday. it also serves me right for exercising without eating much. not gonna do that again... it felt good to exercise, however, it was not that nice to suffer the pain today.... could not even carry my little handbag properly... i still had to iron clothes!!! painful man.

anyway, just being a right pain in the ass. complaining abt stuff like that... haha... otherwise, where's the life?! went chinatown with twin sis after her op today... poor thing, leg and hand hurt... but we still can shop!! managed to buy my pants finally... yay... new clothes... haha....

hiaz, i thought i can go for my kbox session tomorrow, even prepared the songs to sing already. but then, change of plans!! nice change to buffet lunch, BUT?! kbox!! hiaz... next week then...

starting to read books now... glad to be able to read, in the sense, of wasting my life away... but many TIME magazines waiting for me too... haha, since i have nothing to do, must as well enrich my knowledge? yeah... okay... that's it... more outings!!

channel 5 is showing lord of the rings: the twin towers. and i'm so in love again!! he's seriously the most perfect being on earth, with his pretty features... ok, enough i guess... haha...

anyway, went to watch cars today!!!! thanks man, ym, for coming along, and for the watch too... =) it's a nice show!!! i strongly encourage all to watch... the storyline is so damn cool!! with all the characters complimenting one another perfectly.... the most comforting thing is obviously lightning mcqueen seeing sense, and somehow, makes me feel comforted that all will see sense one day... haha.... everyone was laughing in the theatre, and therefore, it's a successful cartoon!! go watch!! haha....

after that, walked ard in hereen's and paragon... must go shopping soon!!! haven't bought much stuff yet, despite the sale, waiting for the price to drop further ba... well, i can dream on, can't i? haha....

ok, gonna go sleep soon... badminton tmr... it'll be fun!!!

today is a very tiring day... walked under the hot sun, along with cousins, grandma, aunties... we went to get lunch at a place, think they just renovated or something..... it was fun!! because, my cousins are full of crap... i prefer them when they are young though, because they can't talk back, be smart alecky... because their big sister here is running out of smart and sharp retorts... haha...

gave tuition after that, but was too tired to go jogging. think it's an excuse... anyway... really tired, think i'm getting old... sigh... well, that's it...

i enjoyed seeing legolas on tv just now!!!!! so handshome!! so shuai!! oh my!!! hiaz... swoon man... one more day tmr to ogle at him.... so pretty!!!! ok, i think u get the general idea... haha.... =)

activity-filled week coming up for me... so, should be quite busy... =)

i hope today's blogging will not get screwed up, because i'm using a weak connection.

anyway, today's quite an eventful day... i finally got my pay settled at the cc!! can get my much awaited pay, at least the bank account looks kind of healthy... haha... after that, went to meet mum at j8's yakun kaya toast before twin sis came to join us. hmm, i realised something. many of us have our own problems, and sometimes, being too absorbed in our own, we fail to realise that others have their own problems. what makes it worse is, when u realise that there's nothing u can do to help them. either u are not the correct person, or u have actually no right to help at all. sometimes, the solution is just staring right at u in the face, but, perhaps, because of pride, we always do not take the correct way to solve it or just leave it as it. the problem will just worsen and not help anyone. so, perhaps, just swallow pride, the returns and result will be happiness to everyone, which is more important than some stupid pride?

Anyway, went shopping with mum and sis to get mum’s back… esprit is having 10% discount storewide…!! Should go check it out man… haha… after that, we headed to my aunty’s house where my cousin is celebrating her birthday… don’t know why I feel so slack today… just laze around watching tv, don’t even feel like going down by the pool or anything… well, just really lazy… the dark chocolate cake was nice!!! the buffet came and i help to pluck prawns as usual... haha... the food is not that fantastic but alright i guess... ate till very full!!!

after that, my uncle was very nice!! even though he was so damn tired, he drove me to chomp! chomp! to meet my jc class... hmm, first time, i went to a class outing for jc... oops... haha.... had fun man, just sitting around and chatting... i was too full... had a big glass of sugarcane though... haha, the class ate seafood!! it looks damn nice, but i'm really too full... haha... had fun man...!! as we were walking along the path to amk mrt station, guess who i saw?!! bh!! haha... i didn't notice him till he was literally waving his hand in my face... sometimes, i quite admire guys, in the sense that their parents wouldn't kill them for returning home so late, just after playing ball with their friends.... advantages of a guy... haha....

i have been making alot of excuses for myself i realise. it's not abt the sch, or the ppl... i just refuse to admit that i was distracted. i really wasn't that as last semester, but i still was. my aunty and mum says it. yet, i just refuse to acknowledge it. well, i do now. it's never too late to start working hard now. i believe i can. one mind, one focus. that's my motto in life. there's really nothing more important than studying hard. year one has gone and past. no point in harping on it. next is gonna be different, no more slacking, no more chatting, and i do mean it. i would not throw away my potential for things that are not worth. if i'm meant to lose them in the end, no matter what i do, nothing will ever change the status quo. trust in myself, and my ability, i can do it... no more distractions. nothing. one mind. one focues.

quite a long entry today. feeling tired. gonna snooze le... had a fun day!!!!

hiaz. it was a tiring day man. haha. due to the lack of sleep the night before. was busy packing stuff for the swimmin trip today at the jurong swimming complex. well, wanted to doze off very much yesterday, but i still went to watch some taiwan period drama, and ended up sleeping late after packing. anyway, today's trip was nice!! managed to get a little darker if not for the no-show of the sun!! what a downer...

i like the wave pool as usual... makes me feel very relaxed and just enjoy the feeling of being swept away by the waves... it reminded me of how much ppl have such little time to enjoy the true nature of just nature in its original state. well, always a sucker of nature... hmm, must choose a day and just sit by the sea, hearing the rush of the waves, breathing in the natural salty air and enjoying the solitude, or the company i happen to have. it's kind of sad, or rather, evolution of human habits that not many enjoy just sitting down by the sea or being in the nature. anyway, if nature is just so simple, without all the camping and all, yupz, that's for me... haha, i can't live in the nature but doesn't mean i can't enjoy it, haha...

went to chinese garden for a walk after dinner... don't really know if the eerie setting was put on purpose, or just to deter ppl from hanging out in the garden in the night...? it would look pretty much different in the day, more welcoming... haven't been there for a long long time, one day, shall go... =)

anyway, feeling very tired. i think i'm getting old much too fast, can't keep up with my cousins anymore... celebrating the birthday of a cousin tomorrow!! buffet!! fun!!! and better still, nice food!! it sure beats feeling down and stupid over stuff...! =)

have been wondering abt many things. one thing is that why ppl don't treasure what they have in sight, and yet, grumble at the things they don't get later? i don't have an answer to this yet, yet i know that the grass is always greener on the other side. that's why, ppl also want to look for this greener side. however, is there a greener side, or is there even the need to look for it? some stuff, it's good to keep looking and searching, reminding oneself that we cannot be that easily contented in life. another side, is to tell oneself, to simply treasure the things we have. how do u manage between the fine line of tangibles and intangibles. unless u study accountancy?

i'm at this stage, where i can let go or not. haha... i'm a wuss sometimes, making a molehill out of nothing. at least, i have the courage to do that. anyway, glad that this whole thing is getting over soon. being blown away, like the stellar wind blowing the dust particles away, where, what remains, is the planets, rotating around the sun. just like that, what the status quo is, where it should remains. finally, it all makes sense to me, it did a long time ago, i was stubborn, believing that it will change, it can change. i can let go, yet i chose not to. i held back. but now, i will and have. this is a test, and i have passed with flying colours.

the hols have officially started for me, however, i don't know whether i should go find a job? perhaps, now, free cash on hand is not very much with me, feeling a bit insecure. see how it goes i guess, maybe should just get my butt off and get any job for the sake of $$$... haha....

i will have fun this hols man, i tell myself that. i have to right? haha... it's my hols...!!

sometimes, being the middle person is such a chore. i try not to be one, then i try to be one. either ways, it doesn't work out. and sometimes, i wonder, why can't ppl just step into my shoes, and understand the complexity of just being in the middle. i want to break free from the viscious cycle, but it's already part of me i realise. i hate myself for letting others control me, but i can't stop it, prevent it or do anything abt it. sigh. live on. yeah. anyway, it's not affecting me much. so, yupz... that's good man!

there's astro exams tmr and i haven't finish studying. sianz. i will finish studying. serves me right for wasting time. well, yeah, studying soon... and then, finally, can get my life on track!

yoke's going. gonna miss her. take care dear!

many stuff i am feeling. perhaps, tired of being in control, trying hard not to feel. however, i believe it would not be long before i can gain control soon again. that's me. a control freak internally. and then burn inside. well, at least, i'm not like pyro, burning anything and everything in sight. be alright soon. everything's alright, i'm always alright. everyone's always alright. it's time that makes it so.... hiaz... alright, yeah, alright... =)

ok, jiayou tmr!!!

sometimes, i really wonder if ppl do say the things they don't mean... sometimes, i also wonder why they don't say the things they mean. is it so difficult, to really present what ppl wanna say. why is there the need to always hide? the need to escape. sometimes, i really do wonder. i haven't got the answer yet. perhaps, i do that too. yes, i do.... so, maybe i can answer my own question. the need to hide, the need to remind oneself that they can stay strong. the need to present that they are ok, so that they will be ok.

going to watch my much awaited cars on thurs...! can't wait!

had ramy burger for the first time...!! very nice!!! enjoy pasar malam!!

some things when u know, u just know. it didn't occur to me today, until i was alone on the train. i'm truly over u, and it didn't come as a shock, but rather, relief. i've always wonder, when can i totally acknowledge the fact that i'm over u. i was so afraid, that the answer is never. it was like that the other time. however, it was so clear and simple today, that it almost struck me as funny. i wanted to laugh, but, i was thinking, it's so stupid to suddenly laugh on the train. haha. this came abt because i was talking abt it... it used to hurt, but now, have not been thinking abt it, and it doesn't affect much.

brain power is very important... or the will power of the mind. i told myself that i will forget abt u in that way, that it's subconsciously embedded in my mind. and i did. stopping oneself from feeling a certain way. it's all in the mind. and i can control it. it ain't so difficult after all. i'm strong, i will always remember that. i can overcome anything, i have to...

went to celebrate yz's bday at manhanttan fish market today. think fish & co is much nicer though... the guys are nice, finished our food for us... haha.... anyway, went to this place with lots of board games to play at mind's cafe. it's a really nice place for friends to hang out, just that it's a bit pricey in my opinion. it was after much difficulty that we reached the place. cos it was raining!! very heavily in fact!! played some games... the partnership between me and bh was strong, cos we won the games initially, till, we encountered one with brains involved... haha... had a nice time... before that was really quite sianz, contemplating how and where to go... glad it turned out fine!

shopping is nice!! having no money is not. hiaz. maybe hafta go get a job soon. see how it goes.

i have to lose weight!! help!!!

astro's paper coming.... jiayou!!

had the quiz today, and would never know how i fare, because i've s/u it... kind of keen to know how i did, since i did put in the effort to study... well, i've enjoyed this course, know more abt the universe than i ever did....! it's very interesting, really glad i took up the course...

yay!! yay!! yoke is in the same grp as me!! so, no worries abt not finding any ppl with me!! that's a relief!! yay!! haha...!! love u yoke!

tmr am out with peishan!! hope to have a nice time tog! will have!!

i should be studying right now, have 2 more lecture notes and not really touched yet. just glad that i understood what the tutor has been saying so far, so don't really have to re-read everything in that sense... hopefully, don't do that badly... anyway, since i s/u it, should just do my best, cos, if u put in the effort, it will pay off... no matter what... that's what i believe in anyway....

life's kind of slack now... gonna review my stats paper, and guess what, have to type this "essay" and u might even review it in the end. sianz man. just trying for it i guess... and it's not that cheap... well, no pain no gain in that sense... trying...

was watching singpore idol just now and i really applaud the young gals who are so daring in persuing their dreams... many of them are very young too.... hopefully, one gal's dreams can be fulfilled.... i feel that the gals are much better than the guys, and they have good comments from the judges.... except for jonathan of course... he's cool!!! haha...

the intersem is coming to an end, and i forsee blank days to come, in the sense, that many empty days? reading the papers, magazines, playing the piano.... it's not that bad, just that i seem to be doing the wrong things... perhaps, should read some business stuff, which i'm not that interested in anyway... so, kind of being caught in the middle... well, i have to try somehow? since i'm already studying it... sianz.... why do i have to do relatively better for my minor then my major... it really doesn't make any sense? see how it goes ba...

it's really sweet, when someone apologies for not being able to chat with u on msn. no matter who the person is. well, i've never done that, so, i will feel warm when someone does that. no once, but a few times... i don't know why will someone do that, just that, it's kind of weird to apologise for that ain't it? well, some people are just nice and i know it... but it's funny to me, that's why the mention...

ok, back to studying soon, after mapling for a while... aargh!! died 3 times already!!! how to lvl up?! =(

watched 2 movies recently, da vinci code and the omen. i like da vinci code, feel that all the essence are there... one of the best remake of a book... even though it's not totally accurate, the essentials are for all to understand and see, and i could even predict the next move...!! so, quite totally into it... it made me forget abt my sucky results... which is good...

the omen... well, i thought i would be very scary, well, it is not.. anybody in for a good scare, pls miss it!! i wasn't really scared, just shocked because of the sudden movement of certain scenes, and since i'm not scared, its not scary... quite expected... but i hope the devil will not every surface.... causing mass destruction everywhere...

ok, have been numbing myself towards my results. and it help, too successfully, not feeling very much for it... well, what the heck, as bh says, work hard next sem, and his flippant attitude helps, feeling quite motivated, or rather, a duty to fulfilled. perhaps, knowing that i have given my best, and even though it's not "duly rewarded", knowing that i have given my best usually helps me overcome everything, that's why, perhaps, dealing with it a little better now. well, work hard, that's it? well, that's what we all do, ain't it... yupz, so, just get more failures and climb out of it... yupz... i hope i'm convincing myself above all... it matters in the end after all.

have been keeping myself occupied, so would not get distracted. good in a way, yet not a good way to deal with stuff, feeling like i'm not facing reality, well, i never have... haha... so, what's new? many stuff to blog abt, but seems like they have been dissipated... glad for the many people in my life, that is a definite... for the things i have... many stuff, no reason to get sad...

jh has this nick which means if we can't be happy, why be sad... and i agree, have been my motto for many years... that's why, perhaps, managed to be cheerful for many stuff.... but numbness has been engulfing me now. so, yupz... just numbness... another motto of my life....

anyway, quiz is coming up, much studying to be done... jiayou!!

never thought that i would be utterly defeated by my results, and that i would say it out loud. it means i really am. i've always thought that nothing would ever make me feel as though i'm a FAILURE. a LOSER. what is wrong man? why is it that i have given my best effort, and is not enough... i don't even know if it's the people that are simply just too strong, or that, i myself is not good enough... and i have a strong tendency to believe in the latter.

what's the point in trying? and i know i have to always and always again. and have to face failure over and over again. i tried this time, i really did. and i know that results don't form the main part of our life, i tell that to myself, when u know your results don't sux... i can tell ppl that when they feel defeated. but i can't convince myself of that, i just can't. so, it's just really me...

have been performing to expectations almost all my life. to acknowledge this deficiency is just too much. what is wrong? there's just 2 more years to do well, and that, is enough? waste money? hiaz. work hard next sem? yeah, work hard, if that's all there's to it.

yeah, just a failure, in any ways. studies, a major part, a failure, what's there to say? to find a job in future, depends on that too... to get a good PA, depends on that too... so, it's not everything? it's not, when u don't have to worry.... seriously, i should just forget my existence since not contributing in any ways.

feeling quite numb, but it's hitting me soon. yeah. deal with it. i have. it's just another time. see how much more impacts i can take before just completing giving up and explode like the planets. i just hope i can be jupiter, and not a white dwarf... hiaz....

watching the omen tmr, wish me luck!!

hmm, do u believe that ppl actually get well faster when they are sick, after their moods have been suitably oriented? hmm, ususally, when we watch all those drama shows, some ppl just die of grief, from their sickness after not being able to get well... i've always, or rather, most of the time just pooh-pooh it... i believe it now! so, on the road to full recovery!! that's rather good news, been feeling hungry yet lack the appetite to eat... so just don't eat much. then, tomorrow we are celebrating father's day... i want to eat lots!! haha.... watching da vinci code tomorrow too... hopefully, it's nice!!

today's quite a nice day... woke up very late!! well, by my meaning ba... at ard 945 am... haha... actually, woke up quite early, just super lazy to get out of the bed... when i finally woke up, i went to read the papers.... till abt 11... then i went to play the piano!! songs from classics, movies... wow... have a nice time!!!

essentially, quite a nice day overall... hope that it lasts... i always hope... yupz, shall continue to do that...!

i went for my first facial today. excruciating's the word... wow... it was so painful!!!! it's my own fault i guess, always not taking care of my face... since so much cost has been put into my treatment, i'm gonna take care of my face from now on!!! hopefully, out of all the treatments, my face will be alright and that i will regain my confidence somehow towards that...

my cough has not gone away... have been taking sea coconut today... hopefully, no more cough tomorrow.... sigh, i hate coughs the most... can't breathe properly, and makes me paranoid, wondering if i have an asthma attack any moment... well, can't blame me for being so scared, it's part of my life, this sickness, for my childhood... please be better tomorrow....!!!

actually, thought of many stuff to blog yesterday... but somehow, i have forgotten abt it... hmm, perhaps, when i remember again... ok, hope tomorrow's a nice day... no more sickness, no more quarrels, peace prevails!!

i'm kind of sad but my state right now. i feel like i'm having an asthma attack right now. kind of hard to breathe and my nose is blocked. dying? nah, if it's only so easy to die... i'm not morbid, just that, yupz, keep thinking abt death, in the sense that, will allude stuff to survival or death. and i realise that i only thought abt such stuff when i was in jc, in a fun way. don't know why have this kind of thought recently... trying to break free of something?

i remember geraldine once told me that she's afraid that she can't find someone who loves her because she treats everyone as her fren. anyway, that's not so bad as in, what if u think u have no capacity to include someone in your life anymore? to love someone in that way? and the worse thing is, it's not bothering me at all. usually, ppl would be saying like what's wrong with me? i can't like someone or something. and it's not even bothering me as it shld be. kind of sad, that u feel u are losing the capacity to like or love someone. ok la, i'll deal with it at a later part of my life. just kind of sick at myself that 2 bad experiences can have such a major impact on me, and that i let it affect me in that way. it's kind of hard not to, and, i have already. don't know how to get out of it, or whether i want to or not. whatever la. basically, dead towards that.

family stuff bothering me quite abit now... but, hiaz. like that ba...

ok, chest is kind of painful now. dun feel like saying anymore, tmr ba... bye