Friday, March 31, 2006


this is the last time i'm gonna do this, talk abt u... i guess, there comes a point in time, where enough is enough... it's going nowhere and i'm just gonna enjoy the frenship even if it kills me... i've never imagine that i would be in this situation, waiting for a memory to go away, fade away, basically just disappear, so that i have a chance... was just thinking of all the stupid taiwan idol drama... guy likes a gal. they are good frens. guy never talk to this gal. 3 years have passed. nothing changes. enters another gal. gal no.2 falls for guy. guy and gal no. 2 becomes good frens. they develop feelings for each other. guy still likes gal no. 1. he has feelings for gal no. 2. too. gal no. 2 is always there for the guy. ending? haha (humourless laughter) i'll like to know too...

i've never ever forced u to make a decision. i've never ever crossed the line, till u did. all those crap u say, doesn't it mean anything? perhaps, it really doesn't, then isn't it wrong for u to test? u can give and make no promises, that is wrong... u have been in a relationship before, and u should know clearly what is what... u can make no promises to me, don't even do anything then... i can handle it...

never really felt this comfortable with a guy... can talk abt lots of stuff, even share similar interests. it started off innocently enough, u talking to me... abt lots of stuff, kind of hard not to imagine why u wanna talk to me... yes, i know i like u first... reconciled with lots of feelings, come to the point of frenship, and u have to do all these... why must u do all these? and give me nothing in return? the sad thing is, it is so gradual... never thought that i would fall for u again, that u drew me into ur life... and to come out of it with nothing, is gonna be hard, yet i will try... even if it kills me....

i think u have to understand that yes, i have no other guy after me. i have no obligations towards anyone. but does it make it any less different? u mean, i have to wait for u to make a decision? one day, u realise, oh, siim ann u are the one. izzit because the other gal doesn't want u? or izzit that u really think i'm the one? u are hesistating... that really shows something? u can't give up? she's that important to u? i'm not, that's why, i'm relegated to something that is just there, someone who always provides whenever u need... it's really not fair, i've been telling myself, give u time, give u time, trust in u.... but i've given too much and receive nothing in return... perhaps, just more promises in a way that will never be fulfilled....

i'm really tired... and perhaps, it shows. u came and ask me strange questions last night, talking abt stuff we don't usually talk abt.... and it really shows.... yes, i'm not suppose to know abt the other gal, but does it matter? fact is, she exists... fact is, u still can't forget her... fact is, u still like her... fact is, there's me... fact is, u don't know what to do... fact is, i can help u... forcing u off the cliff? yes, u are the one that is suppose to make the decison, but u don't have to... let me help u... i'll bow out, u don't have to worry abt unintended consequences.... we will still remain frens.... and u can think lesser.... unresolved issues... there will be none anymore...

u have made me cry 3 times... i have tried to avoid a situation whereby i'm gonna face the same thing again... something that's possible, yet nothing happens... haha... guess what, it happened... i don't need an answer now.... perhaps, i never want one.... knowing that u have feelings for me is enough.... i sound noble? perhaps, if u never say u don't know what to do, i will not even give up... just give it another month or so.... fact is, u don't know what to do... fact is, i have to do something. in my heart, i've never given much expectations to this r/s.... i know abt the other gal, yet still think that i have what it takes to help u forget... sigh... it's not easy.... what we have shared and all is just nothing to u... it means a lot to me.... and i just want a closure somehow...

dun worry, i will not force u off the cliff... i'll make the decision on my own. give up. i can't fight for my own happiness in this. i can't wait till u say, i have totally forgotten abt that gal... i can't believe u in that... i just can't.... i need to start afresh.... perhaps, where there's no strings attached at all... who says liking someone is easy? it's not.... i think it never is... just that ppl like to simplify things? short pain is better than long pain. it always is.... no more tears, no more ambiguity. frenship. simple and innocent.

i'm sorry. not really. just that i can't let u know abt unintended consequences that will not happen. u deserve to live in misery, even for awhile. ambiguity u give me. u live in it. u deserve it. last time of crying.

move on.

dear, u can.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

more than tired

i had the FM quiz today. it was alright, as i could answer most of the questions, such that i presume they are right. i realise that i have to study much harder to know the concepts and all, just hope that the results are not that bad, that it can cover the first quiz. besides my casual attitude towards studying, i'm practical. however slack i am, i will not sacrifice my studies. was kind of affected when jiaming told me that i'm quite slack. i refuse to be known as that. but then, come to think of it, it doesn't really matter at all.

i really should get lots of sleep. so that, my mind will not block off things, unintentionally or intentionally, it just is not right/healthy. anything along these lines goes. when i wake up, i feel like going back to sleep. essentially, i'm nothing but a walking zombie, which i hate!! can't help it, since it has become a second nature to me. perhaps, the moral of the story is just to get more sleep!!

i have to thank yanzhen and jiaying for treating the group of us to LJS. there's junhong, jiaming, choon chee, benghwa, yoke, peishan and i. it's been a long long time that i went out with such a big group. partly, it's my fault, didn't really join any class gatherings. i'm that kind who does not interact much in a big grp, kind of a social failure. but must thank yoke for trying to get me to talk. don't worry, i'm like that.

i'm really tired of alot of things. in every aspect, except the company i have. have means have. don't have means don't have. really tired of guessing and stuff. so not going to anymore. sleep!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

reasons, unknown

the world is bias, unfair, partial and judgemental. this is not a sudden realisation but that i felt it rather strongly today. similarly, i'm bias, unfair, partial and judgemental. therefore, i've come up with this hypothetical senario that i would actually get what i want, given the amount of effort put in, however, the outcome is the null hypothesis instead. well, perhaps, this whole experience should be given a final resting, whereby, less emphasis on the importance of it, and i would feel more justified, impartial, fairness and unbiasness.

a sense of sweetness enveloped
an empty shell
perhaps not
it's what she wants to portray.

ambiguity transmitted
communication is boundless
medium, used fully
he, wants to portray this.

time, is endless
is it?
extension of the inevitable
is it?

a host of questions
there should not be
trust, is impeccable.
to a dark hole

she chooses to run
away, mystery does not prevail
he stays on
reason unknown.

the end is near
near to the future
future is unknown
unknown is ambiguous

is all there is
to everything.

i hope we can complete everything for stats tomorrow. please, do let me finish stats. i'm glad that the answer that yoke wants, is what she gets. haha.... ok, tmr is going to be a nice day!

Saturday, March 25, 2006

coherent thoughts

i've decided that i should actually try to have my entry in complete sentences instead of the fragmented phrases that is evident recently. unknown to u, i'm actually struggling to type out coherent sentences, as i find it hard to express actual thoughts and feelings through proper english. nevertheless, it's worth a try, and i'm going to try to stick to it.

marketing project is coming to a close very soon. i'm gonna miss my grp, it sounds ironical and it is. i've never had such a project group, where many unknowns get to gel together quite comfortably. the ease is there, and i'm glad towards them for making me get over my initial trepidation of working with "strangers". hopefully, for the next semester, i'll get to work with them again, or perhaps, can work with people better as compared to the first semester.

i've been trying to decipher the reasons for feeling tired nowadays. emphasis has to be placed on these two days. the sad conclusion is that i did not manage to get my daily dose of coffee, resulting in the closing of the eye lids easily. it is quite terrible as i did not complete the work i've set out to do. as of today, i have yet to complete my tutorials, thus, i definitely need lots of luck. why did i volunteer to compile the slides? the answer is very simple, nobody seems to want to volunteer to do it. so, as usual, i will just undertake the responsibility. the main question is whether i mind doing it, and the answer once again, is i mind quite a lot. i think it's a question of distributing the work fairly, taking turns to compile, since all of us are not really computer experts. well, since i've volunteered, i should just keep my mouth shut then.

volatility seems to be ruling my life recently. as mentioned in one of previous entries, i've been wavering between very extreme moods. is it the right thing to feel? i have no idea. i've calculated the sleeping timing last week, it's quite impressive, a record breaking of 18 hours in a span of 4 days. my nerves were at a breaking point, therefore, the contribution towards my weird moods. partly, it's also because of external factor - him. i think i will end the topic here for now.

i have much things to blog abt, but i have work committments. i will try to manage by time effectively hencefroth. bye.

Friday, March 24, 2006

i was doing FM in school today... can't say i know how to do, but at least sorta, read that part, and still don't know how to do, which is really stupid, but i'll figure it somehow, i have to?

went to sun plaza today... ate lots of things! among them, sotong, zhu jiao, ou luo and mango milk ice... share with my sis la, not that capable of eating so many things! nice time, and as usual, she went macs and left me outside.... with all the smoke!!!

really feeling very sleepy right now.... but i can't sleep.. hafta complete marketing slides... aargh! and not all have sent me! sigh... ok... i guess... that's life ain't it? and still have hafta do work... sigh... i sound sianz? i am!!

feeling quite alright now... just realise that if i'm dreaming now, don't wake me up from it... i have built this safety net around me, and really... if it breaks so be it, just break it to me slowly and gently, i think i can still managed that... it's acutally kind of funny, i was at my most vulnerable yesterday... otherwise i wld not have told u so much... yeah... that's it... hope that i will not break down again... really don't wanna to...

yoke: i'm sorry for making u feel this way... it's not intentional, and it's just hard to say properly now... sorry.... anyway, enjoy ur weekend!!!

hope to have a nice weekend... yupz!!!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

tired of evetything

i cried for u again. i hate myself for doing it, i really do, yet i'm doing it. why? perhaps, the tears just flow down without any reason... there's really simply nothing to rejoice abt, nth to celebrate abt, nth to cry abt, nth to be sad abt... u give me no expectations, no promise, basically, nth. i should have come to accept it, even expect it... and i have... just treat me with more respect?

yes, i do mean nth to u... yes, i'm just a spare... yes, i'm just deserving it.... yes, i can't even let go... but, do u have to do this, say it so explicitly to me..... it hurts, and it hurts... i'm angry, yet powerless to do anything... u don't even care abt my feelings... i'm not suppose to know anything, yet, u treat it as a joke to say it... what am i to u? a joke? someone u can always count on, so, that's it? u know, treating me as a fren is really not that cruel, and clearer the picture it is.... the thing is, u have been sending me the signals, but is it helping me at all? what's the point? testing the mkt? oh rite, that's really fair... sigh... it's not gonna work out, not gonna to...

tired, going to sleep soon....

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

"alone" in nbs fal

i'm currently now stuck in nbs fal, with headphones covering my ears, enjoying just the music and the communication with the computer. enclasped in a capsule depicts my situation right now, just feel like being alone with no one around me, talking abt accounts receivables and what-nots... kind of irritating, just finished my FM, sort of without the conclusion which i could not care less anymore... just yearn for some peace, which i guess is not possible in this vast environment... once again, imagining that many people are looking at what i'm typing, but, what the heck? i can think what i want, if i have the ability... slept at ard 3 last night, and the reason? been procrastinating for FM, supposedly should be able to finish, but yet... was chatting on msn again...

i really marvel at my ability to do things which are not important... can just chat then ignore my project till the last minute... kind of sad, never used to be like that, perhaps, the nature of the subjects have changed? rather like to think in this way then being someone who heck care till the last minute... once again, does it matter at all? sigh, don't know i guess...

anyway, feel that i've become an irritating person of late, so gonna change.. how? by not approaching certain ppl online.... just a feeling, i know i'm thinking madly again, that this feeling of irritation is not there... however, it "pleases" me to think that way... mad? yeah, and the usual treatment of this situation is to avoid.... avoidance is good, u get nothing from it, u feel nothing from it.... and i think that is what i need now... total numbness... devoid of any thoughts and feelings towards this... i can cope with it better this way....

have to start working hard now.... i really have no choice... kind of scared that i have to repeat some modules, horrors of all!!! i hope it will not come true man.... i will die a horrible death...

verging from tiredness to happiness and then complete emptiness... this is typical of what i'm feeling nowadays... weird? yeah, but normal? don't worry, i dun understand the paradox either... in case it's not a paradox, dun laugh at me too...

thanks to yoke, for listening to my mad rantings last night....

ok, so long, will try not to fall asleep during project discussion later...

Saturday, March 18, 2006

if u don't know me by now

went town shopping with my twin sis and aunt today... got my bag!!! it costs, erm, over 100 bucks, and i'm really broke!! not to mention the fish and co lunch we had... haha... nevertheless, it was fun!!!! never went shopping for a long long time!!! just hope that my mum does not scold me for my bag price or the choice i have chosen... she's thatvolatile....

hmm, think that i can complete my work by tonight, esp FM... i really really don't wanna see it anymore!!! haha....

ok, back to work... feeling quite happy, contented nowadays... i hope nobody breaks this feeling of mine... let me live in my dream...! ok, bye!

luv this song!

Friday, March 17, 2006

nice day, yeah

sigh... something's wrong with maple... can't download the manual patch and this means i can't play!! is that a good thing? ain't it obvious? of course it's a good thing... it keeps me disciplined for the FM proj that i'm supposed to be doing right now!! haha... gonna do it soon...

anyway, acc quiz is not that difficult, whereby, the questions are managable, however, i have to emphasise that this does not equal to good results... yeah, i know... what good results i shld be talking abt? my grades sux right now... and acc, the only hope i have, i really really hope that i did not do that badly.... perhaps, a 60+ is possible? i do not ask for much, cos did not complete the paper... and i will work hard towards the finals... please give me back what little confidence i have towards my results right now... i need it... this is the after-effect of FM... and, i need to reflect on myself... because, i definitely have to do better, if not, be perfect for the next quiz to manage a C for my final grade... sigh... life's really like that... and i hope i can fulfill all expectations, including mine...

my dad scolded my yesterday for being rude... yeah, it was rather insensitive to say whatever to anything, exhibiting my nature of being uppity towards others... i did not mean it, and it's because i'm a sensitive person and i thought that he was saying i was greedy... and it matters to me because i'm not and i totally hate it even though it's implicitly implied... i was rather alright when he scolded me, cos i deserve it... HOWEVER, he said stuff like, don't get me on my anger mode, and make me do things i regret... guess what? that's what's truly hurting... i don't even think abt stuff like that, perhaps, and i know, i have hurt him real bad... guess what? u are not the only one who is hurting... i'm crying over u, that is how affected i am... i truly wish and hope that we can put each ugly episode behind us instead of focusing on each detail... that's how i approach each quarrel... why can't u do the same too? u are older, and supposedly more mature than me, and i'm your daughter... doesn't that mean even a single thing? i really suspect... hiaz...

and my mom is on the war path... AGAIN... saying things like, u can't do anything cos this is not ur house... if it's yours, then fine... wtf... then, where am i in the equation of a family? a liability, shld have figured out that sooner or later... not even that close to an asset... sigh, and my results sux, so, yeah... kind of shocked my mom, and i'm shocking myself... so, hiaz, must really be focused... got my inspiration from a senior in my elective class... he got 3Ds for the first sem, now, he gets basically almost all As... and how good is that? now, i have hope again... really afraid that i can't make it at all... really really must buck up and do well, i don't wanna die a painful death man....

gonna go eat fish & co tmr, hopefully get my bag, and get my new phone!!! hmm, quite looking forward to it... cos there's piano, always not looking forward to it... sigh... like that lor, just see how it goes... ok, back to FM now!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

egoistic manic




yeah, was really tempted to type that and just forget abt it... BUT, not well-known for being dramatic or anything, just really well-known or rather, my style is to pour it out in typical siim ann style.... so, here goes...

the truth is, i don't even feel that affected, i have accepted it and just wanna get on with the next quiz... and guess what, ppl like to talk abt their results, and it's really difficult not to get affected by it... looking at myself, it's just a quiz, a quiz which has 10% on the finals... impt? u bet... and what was i doing? i'm fucking scolding myself right now for treating it as a minor thing, or rather not placing that much imptance on it... and why did i do that in the first place? i have no mood to study? yeah, partly cos of that, and i have absloutely no interest in FM... and the thing is, it's important, yeah, real important... so, does it matter if i like it or not? not a choice in that matter...

this experience just serves to remind me of my uselessness... my absloute lack of motivation... my total inability to be even close to a pass... my every weakness... and, yeah, not continuing with it, but rather like to... this is me, and i do have to change, if not for others, for myself... just not good enough in everything, and has every reason to disappear from everything....

the only thing i can do is to catch up.... whatever la... just that i will always not be good enough in everything, anything and anybody... i've thought that i've come to terms with myself, that results are of secondary nature... it's important but there are much more important things... girl, reality is such that results are the most important, nothing else is and the sooner u get down to things the better.... stop trying to think that u can't make it and give it an excuse not to do anything... u are not that kind of person, don't disappear because of the environment.... it doesn't really matter, you are only fighting a battle with yourself and nobody else... it's already that simple as compared to all that are competiting with others... and you should not even bother... it's not really your problem...

speaking of problems.... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. i'm sick of hearing abt your problems.... it's always u u u u u ain't it? there's never a question of it being me, never have u ever asked abt me? never, it's all abt u, and guess what, smart boy, i have enough.... leave me alone... i need to wallow in self-pity, i believe that's my only salvation right now....

thanks for yoke... i'm infallible... remind me abt it....

sis, fight for ur rights!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

we will survive

agenda for today:
1. FM project
2. Acc Quiz
3. Stats Tutorial

think i can finish all of them? i certainly shall try my best. was supposed to finish my stats tutorial last night, well, but then, i was trying to lvl up... sigh... i have lvled up, and there's no motivation in maple anymore.... sianz.... so, quite sad abt it... haha...

just feel that if someone makes an effort to share something personal with u, it actually does mean something? not bothering... just happy to be actually sure of something for once, even though the future seems bleak...

wanna dedicate this portion to my sis... i know that sometimes, we don't always get what we want. but, just move on and don't feel pull back by this one silly teacher of urs!! jia you!!!

many people are stessed right now... loss of slp, irritation are just some signs of it... just jia you, ok?? cos, i'm an optimist, things will turn out fine... i mean, they always do don't they? i'm not deluding... i'm just a person, who likes to look on the brighter side of things....

ntu is holding a concert for angela chang... anyone wanna come? let me know... anyway, not many read this blog of mine.... haha... putting up for fun.... anyway, just let me know.. it's free...

jj's album rocks!!! pls listen to it! it's v nice!!!!

kind of a short entry, shall put a song, though i don't know how to type chinese words... too bad then... haha....

martika---toy soldiers

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers

It wasn't my intention to mislead you
It never should have been this way
What can I say
It's true I did extend the invitation
I never knew how long you'd stay
When you hear temptation call
It's your heart that takes, takes a fall
Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers

Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

It's getting hard to wake up in the morning
My head is spinning constantly
How can it be
How could I be so blind to this addiction
If I don't stop the next one's gonna be me
Only emptiness remains
It replaces all, all the pain
Won't you come out and play with me


Tuesday, March 14, 2006


it is an interesting morning today... and i have done something that i'm not feeling very good abt... yet i'm not feeling anything abt it... i'm supposed to be waiting for mz, yet, i don't know why, i somehow did not want to wait... cos i don't see the point in meeting when i have nothing to say to him... and he's being v nice, talking to me, even though i really don't feel like talking... what does this shows? just that our friendship cannot withstand any other levels? it doesn't really matter to me at all, just that is that all to a frenship? know that it's my fault, that i should perhaps put in more effort? didn't really wanna wait, and when he asked me, i sorta gave a lame reply, something that just came to my mind immediately... and i was feeling not right abt it, just that i let it go...

perhaps, it's a morning full of coincidences... jh was also waiting for the bus ard the time i was... was walking behind him all the way to the LT... i didn't know how to say HI, he was with his fren... and his fren saw me when he turned back, but didn't say anything to jh... so, hmm? yeah, i have no answers, so it's not really right for me to acknowledge that we are close? not my style... and i really don't think it matters... anyway, trying not to feel bad abt things, so managed to say HI... and i think what i did and felt in the morning affected me in a way, cos, i don't know how to face ppl today... and i don't really know what to say... nothing to feel, nothing to say... why am i feeling empty inside? haven't felt like this in a long long time...

i remembered the last time i felt this way was the quite a big % of my sec 4 life and j2 life... i hate this feeling... looking forward to nothing, feeling nothing much... am i just tired? or the feelings i have have just reached this certain extent of neutrality, and that is only perhaps, this much i can feel? it is scaring me, this emptiness, i'm afraid of reverting back to my old ways of not caring for any one, just being happy in my little world, without the feel of relationships, friendships, just totally ignorant of any necessary responsibilities... that's really not good.... but there's nothing i can do right now to make me FEEL... i'm just like that?!

i don't even feel like sighing... and i think the main reason for this emptiness is because of him... sigh, i made a promise to myself not to be affected in any way, and what the heck, i can't even promise myself a simple thing like that... i hate myself... shld not be feeling this... shld not... it's not even up to me and me only... guess what the sucky thing is? i know i'm right, but yet, i have no certainty... even though i'm quite certain already... know what i mean? nevermind... just that, even if u can't make me a promise, i'm fine... at least, be normal, don't talk like we are that close, which is more hurting then anything else... i don't know... i just wish things are that clear... that i know u are just a fren and nth else...

the whole issue lies with me isn't it? keep thinking abt these kind of things that are not impt at all... and the one getting this stupid feelings of emptiness, is me... so, i'm stupid... he's not... he's not anyway... i just wish things are clear... that's all... u don't even have to promise me anything... just feel like giving up on this... and the thing is, it's real dumb to just do this... see, the whole problem is me, impatience... haste, sigh... and i should not even care rite, cos the other party is not... yeah, shldn't, but i do... and sigh, just wait? don't even know if it's a futile wait or not... see, that's the sad problem... whatever... i don't even know anything anymore... and is that impt? sigh...

no matter what, my sis is back now... and sigh, feel sad for her... her sch results is kind of disappointing, and sigh, really want her to come uni with me!!!! she's back from penang with lots of food!!!

and sch ppl are nice... yoke's nice, jiaying's nice, everyone's nice... i shld be feeling more soon.... jia you yoke!!! u can manage it!!!

peishan: must meet up soon!

acc test is on fri... must do and try my best!

sigh, just wish u care more for me... i'm not really that strong... understand that?

Friday, March 10, 2006


i'm supposed to be doing marketing today... guess what?! there's nothing for me to do!!! so nice!!! T_T sigh, really felt like doing that right now... it's ok, i can make it some how, i have to... many things to do, don't know what to start with.. i'm totally exhausted, and almost fell asleep standing up on the train, i just can't help it... luckily, i did not fall down or something, like i almost did once... perhaps, should just get used to it... i don't want to, but think i have to? i'm really really tired, i need a break...

there's just endless work and projects to be completed... and what abt studying?? i'm really worried over stats and FM, and there seems to be no time to even start on it? i'm not feeling stressed, yet i am... guess what?! how am i gonna pass this sem? nothing really seems to be going smoothly, i feel as if i'm floating everytime i'm in sch... the only thing that is sort of alright is acc(i hope it continues) and PA... that's really not that bad, considering the amt of effort i put in... so i'm gonna put in the effort that deserves the grade i want... hiaz... pls, just let me survive this week....

really must thank jh for helping my grp with stats proj... we will really die if not for him... i feel really bad, because he doesn't have to help us yet he did... and sort of took up his time... hiaz, really glad to have known him in this way... hope he doesn't think we are exploiting him in some way? seriously, we are not, and hope he doesn't mind! i feel really really really bad... perhaps, i shld not? but i am, cos it's not his project... and i hope it's not what i'm thinking... i know i think too much, and i hope i'm thinking wrongly... what am i saying? i want to think what i'm thinking, but i will not, cos it's just too painful in a way... so not going too...

yeah, the reason for me feeling so bad, it's cos, i don't even know i can give back in return... yeah, real stupid... something like that?! perhaps, it's incomprehensible, it's ok... i'm just thinking too much.. and really glad that thoughts are meant to be personal and not shared... hiaz... i thought i can, but apparently, i can't.... i'm not even doing anything, and that's the point... sigh, see how it goes ba... i just hope that pls don't give me false hope or the wrong signals to test me... that's the worse thing u can do... rest assure, i WILL NOT forgive u forever....

i just want to really talk to someone who can destress me... sigh... just wanna be able to be free from stupid school work, projs, work committments... everything... freedom... give it to me... hiaz...

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

wolf creek

why am i being so difficult? i don't really think so... the reason that i seldom tell my parents things is because i'll never know how they will react... usually, i do not tell them anything at all... i know it's wrong for me not to inform them or anything, just that i really don't wanna guage that reaction or anything if necessary... perhaps, i will not get the reaction that i thought they will always give, just that why even bother saying as long as u don't wanna know the outcome? human beings are selfish to some extent, just that, i'm selfish this way... is that wrong of me? or just that i'm selfish in this harmless way?

sianz abt this... well, i'm not doing anything that is totally bad or anything!!! anyway, i went to watch wolf creek today with my sis... hmm, it's a freaky movie! cos it's real, at least based on a true story... it's abt this guy who abducted tourists and torture them before killing them, a phsyco who spares no limits to torture the victims... the thing is, i can imagine real ppl going through all those and my insides were truly weird... in the end, the guy escaped but the person who committed the crime was aquitted as the escapee was not a reliable witness... kind of sad, that bastard who escaped....

anyway, can't buy my shoes today... sigh... just a pair of shoes... why is it so difficult to just get a pair of shoes?! see how it goes.... anyway, have lots of stuff to do, going off... cya

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

girl to be loved

today is quite a fun day... it started off rather "well".... i hope i didn't get mz into trouble on his 2nd day only... sigh, as usual, i was only a little late... some miscommunication but well... haha... i'll try to be early, cool! it's nice meeting old friends... crapping about the past and present... at least going to sch will not be so boring anymore!!!! haha...

played bridge yesterday and today... it's fun!! haha... think i'm improving to a certain extent... and, hope that i can be better!! quite blur i am most of the times... haha, sch's not that boring after all...!

sigh, no yoke on msn... hope it works out alright!

many stuff to do... and quite nervous abt the accounting test coming up... i'm really glad to have candy in my marketing group... at least we share the same thoughts and can talk... sometimes, don't know what to do abt the grp man... i mean, let's not do things for the sake of doing things but actually doing things that make sense... and the stupid content is not enough, and yet they don't wanna do things to improve it? whatever la... just hope that they listen to us and we can do the presentation really well... and we are meeting on thurs... i really really hope it goes well...

i wanna go donate blood... haven't found the right person yet... sigh, why nobody wanna go? well, i know i'm lazy, just don't really wanna go myself... i think i can find a few to go!!!

i have been evading a certain issue... perhaps not really evading, as in running away? thinking abt it, yet trying not to... kind of difficult not to... wanting to forget something... it's funny sometimes, when i've decided to be a risk-taker, some things happen that makes me give up what i have already wanted to accept with wide open arms... fate perhaps, stopping or preventing something that is not meant to be... GOD has other plans for me... sometimes, when one has stop trying to second guess many things, it becomes easier to just take things at face value... that's what i'm gonna do... no point in trying to think so much and make things difficult for myself...

just imagine a senario whereby the surrounding is just a garden, filled with millions of roses... white pearly gates stand erect at the entrance with glass doors... a girl sits among the tranquility of nature, yearning to be loved... she knows she will have eternal happiness, the question is when? does it matter at all? well, perhaps it will in the future... right now, grasping what she has is more impt than any other things... she feels loved already... and she says thank you to all, for giving her what she has right now....

take care folks!

Sunday, March 05, 2006


i'm feeling very happy now! i don't know the reason why?? perhaps not happy, but rather in a high and chirpy mood! ok, meeting mz, haven't seen him for 2 years... that's a good reason to feel happy! now, going to school is not that boring at all.... yay! ok, crapz, never felt that high in recent days! ok, let's stop with the exclamation marks! haha...

gonna practise my acc speech later... i hope everything runs on smoothly!!!! i can't wait for it to be over, so that i can start studying and prepare for the acc quiz... really really behind by quite a bit, and hope that i can catch up in time... on top of it, i still have my PA essay... and stats grp meeting... omg!!! i really hope i can somehow manage to squeeze time!

hmm.... life's pretty good now... feeling very happy...! guessing the reason? nah, it's probably not what u guys are thinking... just that this is it! and probably can squeeze out time to catch a movie on wed... hopefully!!! ok, gotta practise, bye!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

my happy ending

My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne

so much 4 my happy ending
ohoh ohoh so much 4 my happy ending
ohoh oh oh oh oh.....

let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?

Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?

All the things you hide from me
All the shit/stuff that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were through

He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Friday, March 03, 2006


sigh. sigh. sigh. the highlight of my day. having mkting project tmr... grp mates are coming to my house... hope that they are not turn-off by the "tidiness" of my house... haha... ok la, my mkting grp is crappy, can talk crap most of the time... and ideas are coming up rather nicely, just hope that can carry out successfully!!

heard some stuff today... underwent counselling with hwee min... will sleep on it and think abt stuff... and come to a conclusion... soon i hope...

have difficulty in breathing! don't know why too... hmm, hope that i feel better!

sigh... shldn't cry at all, shldn't....