i love my grandma, alot.

have never updated for a long long time... well, work takes a huge amt of my time and energy... laziness partly too... many things have happened since i last blogged... pleasant and unpleasant.... mostly heart-wrenching.... hiaz, i don't even know how to start, well, i'll try, here it goes...

it all started with my maternal grandma, complaining of chest pains, or in her own terms, heart pain... i was really scared when my aunty called me to check on her.... she has a weak heart to start with... when i rushed there, she was a picture of calm... this calmed me down tremendously, but i was thinking that she doesn't want to scare us.... my uncle came to fetch her to the hospital... i went to the a&e section and she was seen almost immediately by the doctor... i was all alone in the waiting area... in order to comfort myself, i read a book... i waited for almost an hour and a half, before the doctor came out... i was told that my ah mah, has water in her lungs... i was also informed that she has to stay in the hospital for her condition to stabilise... she was convinced to stay.... i was also told that the risks of getting heart attack is very very low.... i was very comforted by the thought... after settling everything, i went home....

the next day, we wanted to visit my grandma... so, my family, excluding my younger sis (she's working), went to the hospital... on the way there, i received a call from my uncle, apparently, my ah mah has a heart attack yesterday... 2 in fact.... did i say i hate doctors... we were also informed that if she suffered another one.... it will be... i almost wanted to cry on the train... sob my heart out... when we reached there... my ah mah, she was looking her usual self.... but, her ecg (heart monitering device) was getting worse every hour... but, she was looking alright! damn!

gave her the lunch.... hiaz... i just wanted to hold on to her hand forever.... i wanted to cry so badly, but didn't want her to know... i managed to maintain a firm composure... she has to be transferred to the heart specialist centre, to the high dependency ward... on the way there, they put some oxygen tank and stuff, which scared my ah mah.... hiaz... she saw those things when my grandpa was diagnosed with diabetes and aunty with cancer... damn`! hiaz.... by that time, almost all the immediate family, has arrived... when i saw my aunty crying, i almost wanted to, but i held on... in the ward, only 2 people can see her... hiaz.... i went to the toilet to cry then, i couldn't stand it anymore.... it was....

u must be wondering why it affected me so much? other then the fact that she's my grandma... well, i have been looked after by her since young, a baby... the bond there is indestrucible... i have always been her pride and joy, in the sense that, the first gtandchild to go uni, that sort of thing.... i remeber always giving her a hug before i leave on my own accord when i was young... i can see that she was very happy and glad... she asked me who ask me to give her a hug, i said myself... she beamed... i wonder sometimes, why does she have to suffer so much? a verbal abusing daughter, heart problems, leg problems... why does she have to have so much suffering?? i mean... hiaz... luckily, her condition has stablised, and she can change her ward... but, today, the doctor wants to speak to my mom abt some long-term plan... i just want to come home for new year....

i want to thank God for looking after my grandma, and giving me the strength. thank you.

stable, strong as steel
turmoil inside
worms squeezing the heart
who can understand?

not i, not u, not anyone
herself.
fine? nobody knows.
not i, not u, not anyone

8 hours. there's 2
she doesn't know
she cannot know
her family knows.

i love her.
that's all that matters.

innermost once again...

i was supposed to prepare some materials for my tuition kids.... however, i went online instead.... haha... then, i went to read some blogs.... oh, what a mistake that is... in the sense that i have not read others entries for a long time... then, it stirred up some feelings that i thought have been long buried and forgotten... however, the feelings that were generated were not of resentment, jealousy??, or any sense of discontentment... however, a tinge of sadness mixed with satisfaction... well, it's not pointed at anyone, but rather my train of thoughts... so, here goes...

firstly, went to meet up with hui qi and hwee min yesterday... we played table tennis~! haha... although we didn't played for long, it was a mild workout... then, we headed for hwee min's house to cook maggie mee... it was too overcooked... haha... watched mean girls too... again... it was enlightening for me... anyway, while we were playing table tennis, we were talking abt people and stuff... i was filled with this loss, as in i don't really have many frens... hmm, to me, frens are meant to be treasured if they are close... however, in this society, people seem to derive great pleasure in having many frens... i used to think that these people are real sad, as they need to have so much people around them to remind them of their existence... however, i'm wrong... maybe these people are just merely a people's person, different people have different personalities... just say that i much prefered solitude... maybe too much....

i was suddenly reminded of my college life... i feel a sense of belonging in college, because i clicked well with the people as compared to my sec sch... i enjoy the interaction and all.... then, i started to think of society in general... how much do i know of people in general.... i mean, i thought i knew these people, but actually i don't... it's real scary... in the society, do people put on such a marvellous front that one can't actually decipher others at all... is it a type of protection?? it's a pity, not being able to understand others totally, when all u see is a mask... then, i ask myself, does it matter at all?? u don't remember all the people u see... sometimes, when i'm alone, i am glad, cos, i don't really have to see the people i don't want to see... so, it's just me?? yeah, it is...

most people thrive on being an individual... u know, something that makes each one of us different from one another... well, that is not wrong... but, isn't it kind of sad, as in real pathetic if someone tries so damn hard to be different, where through the speech and actions, it's so obvious... it's real painful to watch... everyone is guilty of that, i believe, no matter how different our characteristics frame us to be... i used to despise people who like to lean on others... it's like they lack of this confidence to be alone, to do things alone... i think it's the herd mentality that a human being possess... i find it sickening, yet comforting sometimes.... u think someone will always be there for u and vice versa... but, when someone keeps depending and leaning, that someone has no self-worth?? that's really what i feel...

hmm, haven't really written such an entry that pries from my innermost thoughts for a long time... now, i feel a little better... in the sense that, i am blissfully aware, yet ignorant of the people around me, people whom i thought i know....

life.... is good.... without.... those... u don't like.... don't u agree??

yeah, yet, this entry sounds bitterly justifying?? haha.... anything... it's all perception....

working.... sianz~!

aargh~!! did something stupid... and the whole entry was deleted.... aargh~! anyway, working suxs... well, i'm supposed to promote berr, so was supposed to stand the whole day at the beer counter.... and, being the coward, i didn't dare to visit the toilet and ask for eating break... in addition, being the odd one out, the whole place is filled with malaysians... whom, seem to look down on me... well, being assigned to such a place like sheng siong, just beside the causeway, what can i expect?? sianz... the store manager, aargh, he seems to think he's super smart and big, whateva, and he's a malaysian... not that i have anything against them, but, it's that kind of feeling, ya know? hmm, i don't think i'm gonna look for another job, after these 3 weeks... unless, there's sitting involved... hiaz... yeah, full of complaints, abt working... typical of a spoilt brat?? well, hiaz, i have back problems, which caused severe shoulder ache after standing for more than 2 hrs... it was so bad yesterday, that i wanted to scream out loud... hiaz, the money's good, what can i say? and eating is so boring alone... hmm, yoke, agree?? hiaz... haha, anyway, working's like that rite?? being subjected to all kind of atrocities, and can't complain... sianz...

anyway, i've developed this irritating habit, of smiling at almost everyone... standing at the beer counter all day, i've to smile at every customer that walked past to introduce the premiums... which, i have to smile at everyone... my position is so bad that most staff will also walk past, where i have to smile at them too.... friendly mah... so, now, wherever i am, i smile at them automatically.... irritating~!! aargh~!! i'm nice mah?? yeah, rite~!! hiaz, working....

going out with hui qi, hwee min tomorrow... haven't seen them for a long, long time... haha, hope to have fun tomorrow... hate working~!!!!

update.... again...

i'm officially 19 since last saturday~!! meant to update on my bday day... but, alas, computer playing for a slack person like me has gotten too deep... hee~! so, here goes: went to teach in the morning... yeah, my first piano class for the year... i swear the community centre(CC) has some problems with efficiency... everything is so super slow, where the attendance list and the information transmitted to me is like so super lag... and they work for the government... ironic... yeah...

went to meet my sis after my piano teaching... cos, it's our bday, there's like more discount with the privilege card with have... visited op, and bought a skirt.... yeah~! i'm just in love with their skirts~!! went charles and keith too, but, alas, their shoes are not super attractive anymore... they have nice bags though... haha... then, me and my sis went to meet my younger sis, whose working at og for dinner.... waited for her till 9 to buy shoes at far east.... haha... bought a giodarno shirt too... the cashier, whose quite cute, shook my hand to wish me happy bday~!! haha... yeah, between us, we bought 4 pairs of shoes... are we broke?? yeah~!! hee~!!

thanks to the people who wished me happy bday... shall go by chronological order... jo, hwee min, hui qi, jun yuan, gera, yoke, my aunty, another aunty, yimin, yu sui, yet another aunty.... hee~! thanks guys~!! really appreciate u for remembering my bday~!!

so, that's how i spend my bday... now, i'm 19... it feels so old... i rather be 18 any day... oh, yoke gave me a super cute thermos cup~!! i love it~!! thanks.... haha, now, we are employed with the beer job, don't think we are meeting that often... but, we shall go get our pay together? yar? hee~!

went to teach this catholic guy tuition for sec 2 maths... erm, quite pai seh, need to bring home 3 questions to study for awhile... it's alright rite?? haha... anyway, their sch is super kiasu... taught sec 1 & sec 2 at once... wow, i haven't even read through some topics, where he bombarded me with questions... haha... anyway, since he hasn't sacked me yet, i guess, i'm safe...

went to a talk from the beer company, asia pacific brewries... haha, the guy, is cute!! anyway, their rival is carlsberg... haha... it's like they hate carlsberg to the core... hopefully, i can earn some before new year~!! yeah, that's my life so far... quite alright, slacking everyday... nice life~!!

oh, went to watch kung fu hustle yesterday~!! free tix mah~!! hee~!! it's a satire on kung fu... there's not a moment where u feel bored... but, it's super lame~!!! hee~!! dumb, but entertaining~!! it's beautifully pieced together and doesn't fall halfway, not like the aviator... haha~!! yeah, till next time...

job... yeah....

i found my tagboard~!! it's due to dear peishan~!! apparently, it's on the box area above my entries... haha, u have to scroll down~!!

hmm... i found a job!! it's as a beer promoter... the pay's quite good... i'm supposed to sell at ntuc... so, come visit me~!! hee~!! alas, it's only for 3 weeks, after that, sorta not very employed again.... haha, see how it goes...

today's yoke birthday~!! happy birthday~!!!

tomorrow is a shopping day... after piano teaching... yeah~!!!

tuition...

hey... i just can't get my tagboard to be set up... aargh~!!! haha, anyway, nobody writes anything on it... so, haha.... hmm... what's the news so far?? hee~! me and yoke went back to nj yesterday, with 2 purposes... one, is to visit the teachers (well, sorta)... the other, ask them to do surveys~!! hee~!! ms ng got promoted to ip hod~!!! how cool is that?? she's gonna be rich~!! okie... that's just the thing on my mind... actually, come to think of it, being a teacher is not that bad rite... if u work hard, u'll soon get promoted and gather in big bucks~!! haha...

i'm giving lit tuition tonight to a sec 2 student... been preparing... hope that i'm up to it... u guys know my lit is quite sucky... but, my sec sch one is quite alright... so, hopefully... hmm, my family has bee doubting my abilities... well, i shall just do my best, if i really can't, i will ask her to find a new one... i cannot harm someone like that to earn some money... it's wrong~!! haha, the voice of the unemployed... yeah... sianz... tuition is good money... but, i'm not having enough students yet... sianz....

well, that's all`!! to all the people working... good for u`!