Wednesday, July 11, 2007

hey everyone.... haha, if you are still reading this, i've moved!

cya there...!

Sunday, May 06, 2007

was reading through my previous entries, and i realise that, i have not been blogging really serious thoughts that i have... haha.... it's really strange, when i was reading them yesterday... it seems as though it was written by another person. somehow, i've morphed from an open person to one that is closed up... well, can't exactly pinpoint when the change took place, whether it was intentional or not, well, it just happened... anyway, just sort of noticed about it...

had a nice time recently, well, broke's the word... spending tons of money, but the revenue is unearned!! haha.... hopefully, just want to enjoy my break before internship... and just hoping that internship turns out to be a nice experience...

get more slp!!

Friday, May 04, 2007

damn. i used to hate it when my relatives say that i'm defensive since young. the need to defend anything that people say about u, just because u think that they are against u or something. now, that i'm older, i choose to defend the right kind of things, the things that are worth, or that it is even mature enough to defend about it. can't understand people sometimes, when they insist on knowing something, yet, professes to be unhappy about it, and, show it.... sigh.... perhaps, i'm just that cold-blooded...

maybe it's just me, that i've changed quite a bit. and, sometimes, it's hard to keep so many things lying inside me, so i say things out like now. yes, i have not been blogging as much as i used to, perhaps, kind of used to hiding things inside of me. my point is, just take me as i am, alright. hate porcupines.

perhaps, people like to think that i treat things as though the world revolves around me. not even gonna try to say anything about that, not worth it. if that's what they truly think, i can't do much about it. realise that very long ago. just that, perhaps, i'm as tired as everybody, trying to do the right things, and realise that if i do feel the same things back, i would be glad to. but i don't, and i don't want to keep trying to feel something when i simply don't.

i've said enough...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

let go. that's the best thing that anyone can do towards anything. i realise that, when i hold on, i made myself damn unhappy. and when i'm unhappy, it's like, so? no sense in being unhappy i guess... so, i let go, not the total good feeling i have, but i feel much better.... =)

even though i harbour no ill feelings towards them, i would truly appreciate it if no one even mention them if possible. it's kind of childish, but, that's me in a way. see no evil, hear no evil. running away, so what? i can't possibly run from them forever, but while i still can, i don't see the harm?

having lots of fun watching the prince turns into a frog! so nice!! i cry while watching it! love it!!!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

today is the 201 paper.... tried my best, but didn't manage to finish it. sigh, as usual, what's new??? sigh... hopefully, it's enough to get a pass at least. perhaps, i'm a realist at the end of the day.... i might not know if i have what it takes to be a good accountant, but i know, i try my best. maybe it's not the best, but i do try, and if it's not enough, i should just keep trying i guess. perhaps, i do also believe that, as long as u try, u will be rewarded.... i don't have to be rewarded substantially, just not to the extent that i'm a failure i guess, sigh..... right now, don't feel much, i've always been good numbing myself towards things i don't wanna feel. perhaps, when the results arrive, then i feel the full impact and start breaking down.... perhaps...

2 more papers to go... gonna study harder i guess... at least, it's less stressful for me, lesser concepts... haha, hopefully? sigh....

feeling left out about things recently.... make me feel like running away many times... i managed to stay.... don't know how much longer can i take sometimes..... trying trying....

tired tired.... blog more when i'm in happier mood....

a song, i've always love this song

beyonce knowles - listen

To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your ownall cause you won't

I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known

Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....

To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete
Oh,Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my ownn...

Thursday, April 19, 2007

well, down by one paper.... it's a relief yet not so too... haiz, as usual, i didn't manage to finish the paper, been doing my utmost best, but somehow, i'm always tied down by the first question. and the rest of the paper, well, it's really a race against time, and i always seem to lose... sigh, just hope that for the next paper, i can manage to finish it.... i have faith! always!! sigh, if only my heart really believes that.... been a pesismist recently.... =( just hope that i do well for the papers.... at least, just alright? sigh...

my initial plan was to blog a long entry about coping with things so far, however, my heart does not seem to be in it. perhaps, i've lost the mood already.... haha.... that's good in a way i guess, blogging about the sad past is really not a very healthy thing to do....

dread going to sch.... just the thought of spending a few hours in school is such a shuddering thought.... can't wait to get out of it once i've entered the sch, even though it's for a purpose, such as taking exams.... the profound feeling of dreading sch, perhaps, even hating it, stems from the fact that there's nothing for me to look forward in school.... well, the only thing that i'm being reminded of everytime, the failure i am, for doing badly, for not performing, it's a sucky feeling, but it's kind of hard not to think in this way, as the environment is such that? it is even more prominent during exams.... u feel your usefulness, or the lack of it.... it's such a pragmatic society, it really is.... u are only seen as useful, if u are smart.... well, don't understand why am i even commenting on it, perhaps, it's bloody obvious, and i love to talk about the things i can't stand... sometimes, i really wonder, where do people get the energy to compare, to try to be the best? when all they do is get each others throat... simply, i'm in the wrong place.... well, surprise... life still goes on... one more year.... can't wait....

been listening to FIR's and Fish Leong's song.... and i wanna dedicate a particular song to a fren... i just think of him whenever i hear the song.... but before the song, i just wanna say something in general... been running away recently, i don't know if anyone has picked on that.... i'm running away to the comforts of my family.... it's there when i feel safe, protected, away from competition, bad feelings.... and that, is what family is supposed to represent, however, if it's at the expense of my social life, then, there's something really wrong? i don't really know how to reconcile, except that, i feel very lonely when i'm away from my family... perhaps, that's the reason that i always want to run back to my family? sigh....

met a new friend from US recently... his name is eric... nice guy!!

alright, here's the song...

fish leong - 暖暖














Wednesday, April 18, 2007

it's a sucky feeling to be sick, makes me feel so vulnerable.... and i started to listen to fish leong's songs, makes me so aargh! and i cried.... sigh, i think it's because my sis is nursing a break-up, and in my process of comforting her, i was reminded of the past too? haha, it's not as bad as it sounds, just feeling sorry for myself? i wanted to insert a long entry, but perhaps, it has to wait till tomorrow? when the 202 paper is done!!

i hope to finish studying.... although, i don't seem to be able to answer the past year papers, i still have faith!

hopefully, the paper will look nice tomorrow.... jiayou to me!!!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

well, my entry for yesterday has been deleted due to my computer's persistency in hanging everytime i'm trying to do something great....? haha.... had a nice time yesterday at IKEA, eating the meatballs and chicken wings! absloutely love it! why oh why didn't i take a photo...? haha....

i've always meant to blog about this issue, however, seems to have forgotten about it.... well, i remember now.... i hate being the bad person, when the whole stupid issue wasn't started by me. damn, and i have went on the route to perform damage control, the whole thing comes back to haunt me? i think i'm pissed becuase i do not have the last say.... call it pride or something along that line.... hate it.... and now, i'm feeling out of sorts because i'm not used to being the person who deliver the bad news.... i'm more used to being fed with the bad news and dealing with it. perhaps, it comes with taking responsibility for emotional issues? i don't like to be in the centre of things, taking charge or anything, it really suxs.... but it is over right now, so kind of glad in a way too, i just take it that i've been used again.... but people of the same kind.... i think i should have gotten it after so many times, steer clear of those kind... and i'll be safe and protected again. perhaps, once again, u wonder, how people of a certain maturity can be harmful? u'll never know... just be on the same side....

well, i really should start studying now.... sigh.... jiayou everyone!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

i have to stop reading story books and start mugging!!! sigh... i just love reading books, yet its at the wrong time.... i have to focus! stop pooling! stop feeling like i want to slp!! haha...

it's been a long time since i've confronted this topic. playing games. i've not done this for a long time, yet, when i'm at it, i don't even know i'm at it. sometimes, i think i'm too good at it that when i succeed, it left me with a hollow feeling.... sigh, what can i say? i'm too good for my own good.... sometimes, i think i end up hurting myself when others are out in the open and having the time of their life... sigh...?

just study just study....

Thursday, April 12, 2007

i slept for 45 mins last night, it was a terrible ordeal and i swore never to go through it again. i was so foolish, at what expense? my presentation sucks like shit... sigh, i know that it is damn bad, from the looks of the tutor, seems like i didn't do my preparation.... sigh, i was that tired, my mind just blanked out automatically.... sigh, the feeling that u know u are alright at something, yet, u can't perform, it's so damn sad.... i felt really bad for my grp mates... i'm so so sorry.... i always fail to learn my lesson....

went to the library afterwards to wait for twin sister.... i felt so sleepy...! i think it had to do with the book that i borrowed.... i was in the mood for a challenging mystery.... alas, my mind can't follow... perhaps, the language wasn't really for my mood too.... managed to borrow one though, a mystery!

sigh, must get to studying soon.... i've got to try to do better for my aa201 module, might not pass? sigh.... i do always reap what i sow... anybody who wants to study with me, feel free to contact me, but, try not to venture too far, i think? haha....

nice time with peishan on tues!

love the movie today! meeting the robinsons!

Monday, April 09, 2007

i'm seriously sick of projects, just want to get down and study properly! ahz! i'm sick of the computer! i just don't ever want to see it again... i just want a quiet place to study, as the computer is damn irritating!! with so much distractions, and i'm not a very focused person.... sigh....

i don't really care much about things right now, if people wanna get hurt, that's their business. i'm sick of trying to protect others when i need some protecting myself..... sometimes, just leave me alone? i'm sick of answering questions that i don't want to.... and i don't really like people to keep asking... i'm private that way... too bad, i'm harsh, and i expect people to be too.... that's the way i am, and that may not be the case for everyone, well, too bad i guess....

haiz, projects, please fly away? thanks...

Sunday, April 08, 2007

i have a nice time today, playing that is, well, have been meaning to study once i've played enough, and i guess, the time has really come that i should have had my fun... =) have been playing pool like mad these few days.... and in the process, met some interesting guys... a guy from US and another from UK. it's kind of interesting to talk to different people, asking what is happening around the world, knowing that there is something different out there than Singapore... and the interesting thing i've noticed is that they are usually more talkative if the find out u are not of the same gender... haha....

trying to rush projects, somehow, my heart is not in it, doing those projects.... it's a surreal feeling, somehow, doing the projects, yet, seeing myself out of the picture.... sigh, when will all these end.... just can't wait to study in peace, without any interference... and the thing is, i'm not even anxious.... sigh..... just go away!!

many things happened this week... and, somehow, i think, whatever i've done, i'm happy with it... be at peace. =)

Thursday, April 05, 2007

i have been meaning to blog, do my IT, but, alas, jy has been asking me to play games... haha.... okay, i will do IT tmr!!!!! i must! sigh.... i almost cried just now, haha, almost, well, an old wound threatens to surface again.

perhaps, it's the end of the term, and something happened at the canteen today, i have nothing much to think abt, then i start thinking abt the past again.... i remember the day where all of us were having dinner at subway... some comments that u made were so hypocritical, i really wonder, how could i ever had seen u as someone perfect.... perhaps, i'm just much too bias, it's just that, sometimes, i just sigh? have been doing that less and less lately, which is good, i'm almost healed, just perhaps, that 1% of stubborn self that refuses to give in, for reasons, unknown to even to myself.... well, anyway, all will be forgotten soon, with exams and... the holidays!! despite the internship, will be looking forward to the hols, meeting up with dear friends, and having lots of time to myself... =)

i think i have mentioned it to someone, haha, or many people actually, i seem to fall for the wrong persons all the time, none of them actually fit my criteria, yet, i just fall for them? haha, it's really funny.... to me, it's just God's test for me, if i do actually find someone that is really the true one, somehow, i will know, as God will ensure that i do know and cherish the other person... was telling yoke just now, no matter who is around me right now, just enjoying everyone's company, am glad for it too.... =)

have to start studying real soon.... sigh, after completing dreaded IT soon.... =)

Monday, April 02, 2007

it's quite sad, in the sense that, a friendship is spoilt just like that.... i'm sad, because, i've always thought of u as a fren, someone who is asking nothing much of me, yet hang out once in a while... well, i may say that i don't care, because i need to not care, before i can actually carry what i intend to do....

i've been in a dilemna since the day i know. i've been in your shoes before, and i know what is the worse thing that could happen to someone in the exact same position. hope, ambiguity, just basically, expectations that something more will happen. when, all i know, is just the word, stop, stop dreaming, stop expecting. easier said then done.... i'm not really sure what kind of person u are, anyway, i've dealt in it the best way i can... whatever repurcussions that will follow, i don't really dare to think.... even when everything has come to light, even when we are not friends anymore, perhaps, just hope that u know what i've done is all in your best interests.

after speaking to God, i feel much better about my actions. have never been really good at this emotional kind of things. i'm selfish in a way, i like my peaceful life, and i don't want the status quo to be changed... yes, that is how fiercely i've been guarding this safety cove i've protected myself in...

some piece of good news that do motivate me.... apparently, our IT project seems to sit well with the tutor... haha, gald that something is finally going well, so gonna try the best for part 2... *fingers-crossed*

now, mugging for tax quiz.... =( haha, jiayou no matter what....

Saturday, March 31, 2007

i hate it when people spoil the calm life i have. i have been desperately trying to get over a bad experience and yet come another one. it's very tiring to have to maintain friendship after friendship when all i want is to have some stability in my life.... i thought that, finally, i have someone to be there for me, having harmless fun occassionally, asking nothing in return. apparently, my good intentions have been misguided in someone else's eyes.... and whatever i've done, when i think of it, it's as though i have been leading someone wrongly... it's really terrible...

i hate trying to be the bad person, that just ain't not me, and it's making me feel very uncomfortable.... i hate it hate it.... others may think i'm childish... i just can't get over some things, and i don't think i ever will.... getting back to what was before, i think it's very difficult.... perhaps, maybe, never.... i don't understand why some people must wait until the ultimate before they get the message.... *shivers*

many projects to do... many things to study.... hope that i can do well in the upcoming exams... all friends, pls take care....

Friday, March 30, 2007

sometimes, when u know that things are impossible, u don't often think when u do things, behave in a certain way, because u know that things are impossible. however, i realise, that sometimes, i forgot to think of the other party, i forgot to think of what they may think. what i deemed as impossible, may not be what they see..... perhaps, that's my mistake... no matter what, both of us have done wrong in certain ways, and that, i don't know what will happen in future.... i'm glad in a way, that this have happened, i feel much relaxed, much at ease.... it's like something has gone away, for me.... i'm selfish, i don't need this kind of things right now in my life.... i'm happy with alot of things, status quo, must remain unchanged.....

stephanie sun has this song, "understand". it's because when u understand, that's why things seem so sad.... i've never wish for anything sad to happen to anyone.... it's just in my nature to behave this way towards everyone.... some people may find it irritating, some people may think it's just me, no matter what, i'm just like that.... i've never set out to play games with anyone, and friends, u know, i can play if i want to.... so pls, perhaps, understand that? as in my previous entry, i've stated very clearly, not now, not in future, not forever.... it's just impossible....

i'm not feeling very good cos of this incident.... sometimes, when u think that things left unsaid is much better than things said.... i've tried both, and both reap nothing good.... what's the best thing to do then? i don't know... perhaps, to do with feelings, there's none....

when i have something to do, i seldom say, so most people don't know that i'm busy.... i may portray that i'm not, but i am.... that's just me, so pls try to understand if i can't go out at the last minute... i'm not like most people, who say what's on their mind directly, i'm still learning.... so, try to understand, perhaps, i send out the wrong signals, but it's not intentionally done, i just hate to disappoint people in that way.... so i'm really sorry....

most people have their own problems, who doesn't? i have always known that i'm rather fortunate... and that, i wish for nothing much then what i have materialistically.... glad for the people in my life, people who love me, friends by side.... appreciate all of u.... =) take care lots.....

Monday, March 26, 2007

i've just changed my blog skin.... i hope u guys love it.... haha.... i rather like the idea of staring into the wide open sky which represents the freedom to love, choose, do whatever i want... =)

i'm rather happy these few days.... happy with the way things are going, especially with the relationships i have with people i care about.... i feel really blessed.... =) thanks for listening to me guys.... i know i talk alot, and not many can stand that about me, haha, but too bad, no choice! sometimes, i think i should not talk too much, i can't help it though... =)

i'm quite an extreme person, in certain circumstances.... i can be really quiet and talkative at the same time... =) just that, i've changed.... i don't know why, suddenly, i felt that today... i've always thought that this is me, but i've changed.... don't know what brought about the change, but strangely so, i felt much lighter and at peace with myself.... have not felt that in a long while... Perhaps, God is by my side, blessing me with a calm and peaceful life.... even the most terrible of persons can't affect me too much....

i hope this happiness last.... however, happy things usually do not last for long.... somehow, something dark and gloomy is lurking out there, striking when we're unaware... robbing us of the little happiness we may feel... however, i believe i'm strong enough to cope with whatever that is out there.... i believe and hence i do know that as long as i keep my spirits up, have the faith, i will feel happy....

compared to my previous entries, this is a much lighter entry... haha, perhaps, i'm back to my positive self once again... to the things i have which are not good... i hope for better times ahead.... a happy gal can hope can't she.... =)

Sunday, March 25, 2007

many birthdays upcoming this week.... haha... had a nice time attending all of them.... yesterday was ming zhong's bday.... happy bday!! was chatting with wei xin about many things... it was nice, talking about many different kind of things... it has been quite some time that i have seriously talked about things with friends... recently, many birthdays coming up, had to hang out with friends and buy presents.... so had nice serious conversations! haha....

met up with dear peishan last fri..... yes... we'll go jogging soon! and study!!

another birthday to attend later... wei xin! haha... gonna be fun!

right now, many things to occupy me.... been starting to play the piano again.... i wanna be in tip-top condition when i start my diploma lessons.... =) can't wait for that....! suddenly, realise that i have many things to look forward to.... the end of sch!!! finally, i can be myself again..... exams...! okay, that's weird.... but, when exams are over... i'll be damn glad too.... haha....

right now, many projects to do.... sigh... jiayou myself!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

i'm naive.... i thought our friendship means much more than just silly results, marks.... apparently, i was wrong... i'm really naive, wanting to believe in the good of people, why do they always prove me wrong? i wasn't that affected... strange, i seem to be in the mode of calmness even in the face of a storm.... once again, perhaps, i've really cultivated a sense of calm and of no disturbance whatsoever...

i'm not feeling much about things nowadays.... not tired, just, don't really see a point in many things.... k la, dun feel like blogging anymore.... games!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

poor poor blog, u have been neglected for far too long.... haha... does this mean i'm back to writing fervently once again.... have not felt the need to blog too much for about a month or so.... there is not one particular reason, perhaps, felt the need to be away from "prying" eyes for awhile.... somehow, u realise, no matter how much u try to run or hide, it's just a simple way of escapism from everything.... suddenly, realise that i have to wake up one day... and why not now?

whatever, just whatever. everything can go wrong for me, so what? my results sux... that's a major thing in my life, in a way.... sigh.... sometimes, can't help but feel that why everything seems to go wrong in uni.... trying to make the best out of things, even if i'm forcing myself to see the positive side of things, yet, it just seems much too difficult.... wonder where has it gone nastily wrong.... trying to convince myself of alot of things, with so many factors into play, and maybe i've hit the nail on the head, what am i to do.... sometimes, people can't get out of the bottomless pit, not because they don't want to, it's just that the circumstances surrounding them makes it hard for them to come out of it alive....

excuses, perhaps, but it's a good excuse.... just realise that the people that i'm hanging out with at each stage of my sch life are really very different.... no matter what, i have chosen this path for myself, just take it and walk on... in about a little more than a year, i will kiss this path goodbye, and boy will i be glad to see it far away from me.... embarking on a journey that i have a strong inkling that i will not really like, seemingly from the people i seem to encounter now and then, but i will strive on..... for the people who deemed is the right one for me....

strive on, i can do it.... what u don't like doesn't mean u can't excel at it can't u? yeah...

Sunday, March 18, 2007

it may have been possible, in another lifetime. u would make a very good boyfriend. no doubt about that, i have faith in you this way. right now, or rather, forever, it's not possible. no matter how much i may like to think that everything is innocent fun, i know it's not. u are exhibiting signs that so not long ago has happened to me. i don't like to play games, and the only way i know how, is to be indifferent, to pretend. i don't know how long i can ensure that everything remains unchanged, i'm gonna try.... distance, why is this topic coming back again...?

this week faced more downs than ups... the strange thing is that i don't feel that unhappy. perhaps, i've even expected my failings somehow... tried my best, i did. and the results doesn't show... what do i have to do? just try again? sometimes, i'm just so sick and tired of always trying and not getting anything in return.... the simple word, try. yeah, gonna try again... somehow, the mind is set, but the heart is not, and it shows in actions... sigh.... what to do, try...

i wonder if i have any capacity to love another person anymore, in the relationship with the opposite sex sense.... more often, i've been questioning myself abt this... not particulary afraid that i may end up alone, just that, right now, i feel that, God has given me many other aspects to focus on that i don't see that particular issue as so staring in my face than before... it's really good... almost half of my time in sch, i have to face this issue, people... it's really a breather when i come home... haha... suddenly, i love home a lot.... perhaps, life is just full of tests this way... without my previous experience, i would have never come to appreciate my family and loved ones more.... they will always be there for me, no matter what..... thanks....

speaking about people staying with me.... it's not so long ago that i have so much faith in people, the promises they made to me, the promise to stay.... i've lost that faith now.... somehow, it's hard to point a finger at anyone, i'm guilty of this charge too.... should we go on to question the degree of guilt we should impose on others and ourselves... often, we find ways to talk ourselves out of anything that is detrimental to us.... trying to find reasons to sustain our wrongdoings.... i'm no different... it's also a long time ago that i've questioned about anything at all... people like to give the excuse that they are tired.... i do question, have anybody done anything yet? have they tried? if not, why are they tired? excuses, another word again......

i don't understand many things, yet somehow, i do understand.... perhaps, trying not to understand makes things easier to bear.... somehow, u try not to, yet u do understand.... understanding is such a tiring thing... that is tiring.... sometimes, i wonder, is it so hard to illicit a response.... is there still so much games being played out... is there a need.... i wonder... perhaps, it's just best not to understand....

a long time since anyone tried to understand me... and i find that the people who do, they take away my faults, just like i have taken away theirs, and see the beauty underneath.... i can't see your beauty if u don't take away my faults.... understanding... is that in itself something impossible? i question one last time....

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

i'm so tired.... so tired of everything... this week didn't start off well, i'm just so tired, seemingly from the many things i have to do, yet, i don't even know if i'm on the right track or not. i just want a good night's sleep, where, after waking up, i'm still bright and not tired. and filled with dread with the thought of going to school...

many thoughts, i'm just too tired... next week, i'll try again...

Monday, March 05, 2007

today was a great day and nothing could dampen my spirits. when i say nothing, u better believe it. =) today is the end of any AA202 presentation. it wasn't the best of presentations, but it's over!! haiz, i'm right again...! why do my group mates like to ignore my points... sianz... well, what's done has been done.... and the tax quiz, some stupid mistakes!!! well, it can't dampen my spirits either! just glad that one of the thoughest day is over!

was thinking that i have much stuff to blog about, somehow, i seem to be stuck now... haha.... let me see, firstly, sorry peishan! can't meet u... will try to meet ya soon! take care lots!

just happy that life can be much more relaxed in a way... think i've been stressed subconsciously... have not been sleeping well recently.... just can't take naps despite being so damn tired.... it was quite a bad week, having the hols, yet can't totally enjoy.... haha, though, managed to squeeze a kbox session in.... =)

i think i'm feeling much better, in the sense, that i feel nothing much when i saw them... perhaps, time has really healed the wounds substantially...? haha.... perhaps, i'm just in good spirits and that nothing can dampen them!!!

okay, gotta go study the IT quiz.... =( jiayou all!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

hmm, today was a fun day, playing mahjong for the whole day. haiz, lost money... haha. it's all in the fun of new year.... was quite glad that i do have the chance to just relax for the whole day. the hols are here and it's quite scary how much work i have to do. getting rather panicky right now, trying to be more hardworking, spending lesser time online, studying with frens.... haha, hopefully, i will not do badly for final exams, which, for all my subjects, i have been rather lagging... sigh.... seems like lots to do... i will do it! =) haha...

i hate egoistic guys.... hmm, maybe i'm really that terrible or dumb, well, it gets kind of irritating if the members in your group starts to ignore the things u say or treat it as insignificant... well, it's a GROUP project after all.... nothing much i can say, or, perhaps, i'm simply just wrong... anyway, there's just one final project, and after that, i can just heck everything... so, let's get it over and done with!!!!

new year is gonna be over soon... sigh... just that, lesser of an excuse to procrastinate... haha...

realise that i've yet to forgive u for that incident. no matter how much i've convinced myself, not thinking abt it that much, yet, when i see u, i will be reminded that your choice ultimately is not me. just kind of sad that our friendship can't withstand this. since i've not forgiven, i don't even know if i will. it's quite a small thing, yet, the meaning is significant. somehow, don't know why i have to keep showing, proving and saying things, just to show, prove and say i mean it. i've forget, as i thought that we have this understanding between us. apparently i was wrong. there never is one between us, perhaps, all it boils down to, what matters to a person i guess.

just realise that i'm the kind of person who will show utmost loyalty to a fren who matters a lot to me. and i realise that i can't expect all my frens to behave that way. even if i realise that, doesn't mean i can accept it yet. or, seldom have i been in any situation where my frens are having different thoughts than mine. this is a test of our friendship, and our friendship seems to have failed in this aspect too. don't know about things, what to do, just that, where, in the past, things seem so confusing, they have become clearer. perhaps, what we are looking for has been overtaken or replaced by someone. other than that, it probably means nothing. somehow, trying to quantify and qualify it, something seems to be missing. perhaps, the answer may simply just be, hidding.

why do people like to hide so much? all the guessing, assuming... what's it's worth? is it really fun? to see if anyone gets it? to see if anyone knows u that well? to compare between people? it's already there, yet people like to test it so much... why? really dumbfounded by it... well, maybe, it's just the complexities of people i've yet to comprehend...

tired of mahjonging... haha.... off to sleep.... after proj report... sigh...

Friday, February 16, 2007

now that i'm a bit clearer and coherent, perhaps, i can blog better, and give a verification of my state of mind... think that ah mei's song woke me up quite a fair bit.

was just thinking of things, perhaps, have not been thinking much recently, trying to divert my attention from all those thoughts... however, when these thoughts come, they come after a catalyst, it's always like that, the aftermath, it's still a little heart to bear... what can i really do? just bear with it....

the ah mei song is right, it's always difficult to forget, because his shadow is always around u. what is worse, the physical self is constantly revolving around me, like the doors, wherever u go, u do see them around. till now, i'm still astounded at how people can easily cause hurt to someone just like that. perhaps, i'm even guilty of that myself, somehow or another, yet, i don't even know i've caused heartache somehow.

it's easy to pretend that u are happy. been doing that subconciously... sigh, what to do? didn't realise that until today, while i was sweeping the floor and listening to music. sigh.... been doing much that lately. realise that everyone is happy around me. they are happy, sigh. trying, really trying... damn. i don't want to blog anymore....

Thursday, February 15, 2007

this is my first entry in ages... not that i do not have the time, rather, been focusing my energies on mapling... well, i've been procrastnating alot about my sch work, it's really time to pull up my socks and do work... haiz, i don't want to repeat this semester! so much quizzes coming up!! sigh... really gotta work hard! catch up on readings that are accumulating dust... sigh...

my cousin arthur is so cute!! love him to bits!!! i love his eyes... beautiful eyes!! sigh... haha...

i don't really know what to say after so long, in the sense that, find that i have nothing much to share. perhaps, used to not blogging after some time. sigh, that's about it... sianz...

Monday, February 05, 2007

i saw the two of them today whilst i was alone on my way back from school. the feeling that cut through me was swift. it still hurts. it ain't so bad when there are people around me. often, i will show that i'm alright, somehow, it lessens the hurt i might be feeling. they are also very good distractors.... really thankful for them.... i guess, time does heal the wounds, but how long will it take? i hope very soon. i keep pushing myself to feel alright around them, yet, when i'm around them, the truth is that i can't be at ease. in the sense, be myself. i have lots of hiding to do, to prevent the real feelings from emerging...

i guess, the reason why it is so difficult to put it all behind me, because the memories just refuse to go away. everytime when i see u, i will think of the past. it just comes to me... really, u could help me, just go away, stay away from me.... it will be so much easier.... when u guys are away from me, i feel so much better, i forget. once, u appear, i remember. pls, just let it go away. i just want to face everyone with a clear, clean state of mind.... why can't u help me? why why why....

sometimes, all i want for, is just someone to say, "siim ann, are u okay? u know u can tell me anything."

as usual, my reply is, "haha, i'm okay la, everything's fine."

i just can't help but wish someone would just continue saying, "u sure u are okay? don't bottle things up. just tell me, okay?"

i'm the kind of person that just needs to be pushed in a way. deep down, just really hope someone could just ask me to tell them what's wrong. is it only that friends whom know u for very long are able to do that? judge me as i am, the person that they know, instead of the circumstances that surround them? kind of down recently, and i wanna thank mz for cheering me up all the time. =) however, things are still not going really well, and everytime i wanna call someone, i'll just stopped. i don't know why, somehow, i can't really pinpoint what's wrong, but i'm not feeling really good.... don't really wanna bother anyone....

i'm an optimistic kind of person. and i can portray that easily in front of people. behind that, there are many tears and heartache.... i'm trying my best to be happy. u could say i'm desperate. i want to regain the old me...

i don't want anyone to sympatise with me. be nice to me because of other people. why not ask yourself if that's what u really wanna be? it's all smiles in front of everyone else. behind the facade, what lies beneath, is so scary. how can people portray something and yet another, yet professes to be true. ain't that hypocritical? i do that sometimes, but i'm true. i see people as friends, as people. yet, it's just one-sided on my part. i don't want to lie and say that everything's fine. other people may be able to do that, to get some benefits, i can't.... be fake.... i can't....

will i ever be myself again? i ask myself just now.... when are the happiest in uni? it's the first year, i realise... i thought the happiness would last. and yet, they are cruelly ripped away from me, by people, who in all essence, simply, put themselves first.... perhaps, that's really practical, but under every human being is just someone with feelings.... i don't know, don't know what i'm gonna do. just understand, i don't want to get hurt anymore, it's a painful process to get out of... either from friendship, BGR, betrayal..... i've been hurt enough, and i don't want to be hurt anymore.... pls, really, no more....

will i get out of my dumps? i pray to God, for peace.... thank you.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

tired. sick. disgusted. by the workings of people. i've finally realise when u are worth nothing in people's eyes. it's kind of sad, but i'll get used to it. everyone's practical. even though the stubborn me took sometime to grasp this concept, at least, i've seen people at their worse. there's more awaiting me, but it's all the learning process ain't it?

i hate it when people prove me right. what can i do? the ending is what everyone wants. the dilemna that started initially... perhaps, i should just seek my own happiness... and then, i questioned, what is happiness? by ignoring those people, i get happiness? i don't. but i feel alot better if i don't ever see them in my life again. but that's just running away, ain't it? sometimes, if only problems can be resolved just by the act of running away. i'll be so damn happy.... dun worry, i'm not arrogant. i don't mind people ignoring me, because, i'm doing it too... life's fair in that sense...

for a while, i've been thinking of everyone. trying my best to maintain the status quo. and what did i get? people talking negatively about me, people disliking me... and all behind my back. for the simple me, it's damn hurting. i really wonder, what did i really do that's wrong? making friends? i don't know... really don't know... hwee min asks me to give some time to myself, away from people who hurt me, and think about what i really want... somehow, the answer is just staring into my face. why play with fire when u have already been burned not once, but twice. for once, think for myself, at least, let me feel that i'm doing something for myself for once....

i really don't have anyone at all. u guys have. yet, u are still selfish. perhaps, it's just me, my expectations of selflessness, that i've place too high on others too... no matter what, perhaps, just stop thinking for others, doing things for them, that they take for granted. if it's really that easy to change the mindset... i should stop crying about this. as everyone says, it's simply not worth it. i'm not like the norm, see people as practical beings, i just can't. to me, they are people, with life, their own uniqueness, their character. every individual is different. u want me to use them as the way they used me, i can't. maybe that's why i'm running away....

i don't want to die in this environment... i want to emerge as a survivor.... can i? i think i should have no problems... God give me the strength to go through this, and i will....

no more shit every semester. it should stop once and for all.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

i was late for piano lessons today. on purpose? perhaps... just felt really tired today, which is very weird, because, i have more than adequate sleep.... the usual i have when i have piano lessons the next day. one good thing is that i no longer dread piano... i love the feeling of grasping a new song, and breathing new life into it, my air that is... =) i was really tired, almost fell asleep in the cab today, even almost slept while teaching my students, really bad attitude man... don't understand my lack of focus... the weather plays a large part, perhaps, emotionally tired too?

was quite sorry about the accounting discussion yesterday... i was really quiet, went through quite a bit, and really not in the best of mood... but gonna regain myself back again... it's school work, and supposedly, it's the most important thing of all...

now where do i start? i really don't know, the subsequent paragraphs are gonna be mad ramblings, you have been warned...

fucking idiot. i have done nothing to u, yet u say negative stuff about me behind my back. i don't know what u say, i don't have to know, but i can somehow guess, whatever u say, it's to glorify u. make u come out being someone reasonable and understanding. i don't know your reasons for doing so, but let me say something, i have never bad mouthed u in any way towards anybody. if you don't wanna work with me, just tell me straight in the face. i'm not like any other people, who fawn over u, see u as somebody useful, and refuse to jeopardise their relationship with you whatsoever. i'm not that kind and will never be that kind of person.

i may be a walking reminder of your dishonesty towards ur girlfriend, and that's your fucking problem. not mine. my problem is that i let u 2 becoming my fucking problem. i have resolved everything on my side already, u don't wanna be friends with me. fine. u wanna pretend that i don't exist. fine. u don't want me to let your marriage be ruined. fine. i can deal with all that. but u choose to see me in a negative light, and what the hell, did i ever do anything to warrant u to talk behind my back. there's something called 2 can play this game. my life was good before u came along. u initiated everything, and u choose to stop everything. fine. i let u do what u want, but, u cross my path time and time again. can u spare me and just leave me alone? why can't u let me go just like that, why must i always be reminded of u again and again. u started this, don't ever come question me when there are consequences. remember, i'm not your puppet, i don't need u, stay out of my life.

i do understand that not everyone exhibit the same liking towards one another. what the hell, just tell it straight into my face alright. it wasn't so long ago that u have so much things to say to me that u don't even bother to sleep. so crap, i may be something that u don't like, i don't know whatever reason that is, dont' do things behind my back. hypocritical, that's just u. leave me alone, it's too late already. u have made me do things that u might regret. just fuck off...

hahaha. i thought everyone has brains, but u seem to lack one. be so influenced by what others say of me. congraulations. u have officially become a follower. u have made it perfectly clear that u don't want to be too involved with me. i grant u your wish. i have been a fairy godmother all the time, letting people do what they want to me, and this is what i get? so, it's just one more time, u get your wish.

i'm just a simple girl, out to widen my social circle, make good and lasting friends. they don't necessarily have to last, hell, i'm a practical girl. but be sincere and true? i'm affected, because, it really shows human nature ain't? i choose to see the good in people yet i'm thrown with this kind of shit.... i'm really tired, and emotionally drained. perhaps, now, really see people as they really are... superficial, hypocritical. nobody really has the guts to stand up to another, just talk behind one another. they think that there's no point? haha, is that really it?

i will remember that nobody has bothered to print a copy of the notes for me, i will remember that i do think about others when i print the notes. u guys wanna spell things out so clearly. fine. u know, it's really not fun playing this game alone. i'm all ready...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

i was wrong all these years. 7 years to be exact. of all things that i thought about, this particular reason has never occurred to me. perhaps, it has been hindering at the back of my mind at some times or another, i did not particularly go into great lengths to decide if that was true or not. i wasn't exceptionally taken aback nor was i strongly feeling sad when i was informed rather suddenly about the news. it has already been so long, the time period did not warrant me to be sad this time round. was i glad that u told me? i don't really know. it's been so long that the reason does not seem that important after all. what is important that i know we both treasure this friendship alot. simply, i'm glad that u are always there for me no matter what. thanks a lot.

it was an emotional draining night. the stress of entering the TV theatre, the stress of getting there on time made me very tired. the chat wasn't really, but i felt really vulnerable while i was showering. i broke down. i was shocked that i broke down. i didn't really expect it and it just happened. i can't really pinpoint a reason, except that, these few days of thinking about my life, the people around me, circumstances and situations have taken a toil on me. no matter how strong a person is, there is bound to be vulnerablities, it really depends on how much u want people to see. i choose not to let this part of me present itself a lot, i don't really want to handle the questions, answers that i do not have.

i realise: i'm very afraid of looking into your eyes. i do not want to see the concern that u have for me. it is all so prevalent, you are not very subtle at hiding this kind of things. no matter what i tell people, i find it hard to forgive u, and i don't know if i ever will. others might find me foolish, stupid, childish, or even immature. perhaps, different people have different ways of dealing with things, and this is my choice. i'm still undecided if i should collaborate with u. is the emotional upheaveal worth it? sacrificing my "happiness" just to challenge my emotions. u ain't know it till u try it right? it's really all so easy to say it then to do it. i'm running away, i'm not proud to admit it, but i am pulling away. from your searching eyes, from everyone, from everything. i'm afraid, more than anything else right now, to commit in anything. i don't want to get hurt anymore, in friendships, relationships. will someone give me a reason to change my stance?

i felt the past familiarity in career class today. it's been a long time since we communicated without searching glances, questioning tones or even heavy undertones. it felt good. why hasn't it been this way all these while? did i really let someone destroy our friendship? did we let others spoil everything? perhaps, it's really a little bit of everything. is the solution right before our eyes? i don't have the answers.... we have to search for it i suppose, perhaps, at the finale, we are just looking for the perfect combination.

i'm tired. much more than i think. the coming weeks, gonna start with sch work seriously.

thank you mz.....

Monday, January 15, 2007

right now, in FAL, gonna blog down my thoughts before they run away, again. haha. just had lunch with gera. felt quite weird with her friends, so beat a hasty retreat. actually, i realise that i've been quite myopic in NTU, largely due towards the people i'm with i guess. after a while, u start to generalise that everyone is the same as your clique, u realise that they are not. from now on, gonna remove my sunglasses. not everyone is black... =)

it's also quite difficult to talk to people whom u have not spoken to for a long time. perhaps, the lack of familiarity, or simply, that people have change. it's quite scary, u thought u know someone this way, actually they are not. should have gotten used to it by now, i have been exposed to this for a long time already. but somehow, the realisation is always so new. or is it just me? the fact that i've always trusted people. not that they have not met up to my expectations, simply, people just change. perhaps, all of us should just take a step back and really question your contribution and existence, then, maybe u learn a lesson, much valuable than what u gather in the classrooms.

the political model is so perfect and priceless, yet none of us are able to achieve it. not all of us want to achieve it. my point is, i wish i have the courage to step above and embrace what i really want. that's also room for thought. what an example the tutor made this morning. haha, life's really funny, if u can actually see ur life as a joke. yet. it's much simpler than acknowledging myself as a shadow. not concrete at all. the purpose for existing is just to fulfill another's loneliness at one point. it's pathetic and sad, yet it's my life. so kind of glad for all the things i have right now, neither concrete nor tied down. not gonna risk getting hurt again.

gonna rush for lessons now... sianz.... so long...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

sch has started for a week already, i'm not really settled down yet. i have to cut down on my TV shows right now. damn it, sch has really started at the wrong time. haha, or is it the other way round? time is what we give ourselves, so gonna play abit for another week before really coming down on my readings! because, i'm gonna go watch superstar next week!! can't wait! after the visit to mediacorp the other time, got a sense of what my mom is really doing. like the experience, perhaps, any kind of thing that doesn't tie me down appeals to me greatly.

have not been blogging for a long time. did anyone miss me? haha. caught blood diamond last friday. it's a darn great movie. pls go watch it!! it's abt the diamond trade, how what we see as the final product, the shiny thing, some of them are from mines, where the workers are being forced against the will to work there. many separatists roamed the country, the people are killing against one another, just to satisfy the demand for diamond. to gain the foothold that no one, or the other competitors cannot penetrate. have not watch such a meaningful movie in a long time.... =)

seems like many thoughts to blog, but somehow, they refuse to come and hit me fully so that i want to blog it down. strange. usually, i'll just blog any thoughts at any time. perhaps, the non-availability of my laptop has prevented more habits from forming, or simply, disrupted my habits. haha. after a long time, i've made my choice. is it a good or bad one? who knows? i don't know. just know that, i will not regret anything, that's me, even if it's a bad decision. disgusted by how i've turned out, gonna do some damage control that really reflects more of myself. at least, when i put on a mask everyday. do u change ur mask often too?

okay, my sis is screaming at me, when it's my laptop. till the next time...

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

finally have the time to sit down properly to blog down my thoughts... first of all, my bday party... i wanna thank all who took the time to come down and celebrate my 21st bday!! really appreciate it a lot.... the presents were nice too... haha... thanks guys...!!

haha, on my bday too, all the well-wishers for remembering, esp, my pri sch best fren, oon tang... really surprised that u remembered... =) there are simply too many... haha... so thanks everyone...

this sem looks set to be a hectic one... gonna try to work hard, in the sense, at least read the readings before the lessons... haha.... hopefully, the online activities can be put aside in time for my studies to come into place... hmm, have starved off the lappy for a while, think i could make it somehow... hee... oh my, i still haven't type my minutes yet... *groans*

somehow, something's not settled yet... would i get my way? i often do not... so, shall go accordingly to the circumstances i guess... life's irritating with all the trivalities....




will update more.... *winks*

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

it's really a long time since i've last blogged. so what have i been busy with? haha, actually nothing major, but lots of TV!!!! soon, the good times will be gone soon... no more TV.... school is starting... really dreading sch in a way, not so much of the sch work, rather... well, don't really want to talk much about it, just hope that this coming semester will not be what i imagined to be... haha, have always been optimistic. this time, it's no exception.... =)

have always done a reflection on the past year about the different categories of my life. this time round, don't really want to do that. just want memories to remain just as memories, be it good or bad, just want to be at peace with myself. have achieved that, really don't want anything to disrupt this calmness. i want peace for everyone no matter what. that's just my wish...

results this time round, there's an improvement, however, as usual, didn't do well enough considering everyone's results. in the past (rather, since JC days), it somehow, matters quite a lot to me, perhaps, been hanging too much around results-oriented people. not that i can blame anyone, that's just how the system works. not anymore, found my peace with regards to everything, including this terrible topic. haha, comforting myself? delusioning myself? no matter what, ultimately, i'm at peace, at that is what really matters.

really appreciate the people around me, who is true to me, no matter how elusive i have been, how i don't always cya.... however, my true friends are just a call away, and will always lend a listening ear... thanks for everything... u know who u are... treasure u guys alot!! =)

family, don't have to mention, love u all to bits!

last of all, treasure what u have, appreciate the people around u. sometimes, we often forget that we are spolit and keep blaming others.... even if we are spoilt, learn from it i guess, and treat people better!!!

new year resolution: peace.... =)