something's wrong with blogger... haha, heck care, as long as i can type... yeah, have u ever regretted something that u have say or mention? well, i have.... it's not really big things, but rather minute stuff that most ppl will just throw it away... for me, i tend to think over what i have say to ppl... yeah, and sometimes, i think i think too much? hmm... hiaz... anyway, what's been said has already been said... not point mulling over...
actually, i wanted to blog yesterday... but i dun wanna say the same stuff again and again.... was reader my previous blog entries... it's quite intresting to trail my thoughts like who's important and who's not.... quite an interesting life i have in jc... haha.... and now it's uni.... tiring, that's for sure... but i enjoy uni.. lessons and stuff are a challenge, rather different from what we study in sec sch.... but then, the years will pass by quickly and i'm rather sianz by that... dun wanna go into the working force that quickly...
hiaz..... i've reached a state of neutrality... in terms of studies and personal stuff.... come to think of it, i've always reached this stage at some parts of the year.... yeah, and it's alright... k, i'm sianz... not blogging anymore...
watching superstar tmr~!!!!
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
tuesday, another tuesday
been reading my past entries for september last year... hmm, was mugging for the "A"s... right now... perhaps, i should start mugging too, for the year-end exams... don't know why, the sense of urgency is less for uni then in "A"s.... hmm....
hiaz... for biz law, there's this guy i really dislike... dominating the whole conversation, perhaps, he's just giving his opinions... i have nothing to say.... i mean, he has already said what i wanna say... and the other guy i think is trying to get me to say something... anyway, he tried once to ask me, i was like, yar? what do u want me to say when the points are in lieu with urs? u mean? i absloutely agree with u? tt's quite dumb rite? whateva, i just hope that i'm not in his grp next week... perhaps, i'm just have a phobia towards him... hiaz...
now, i'm definitely over him... no feelings whatsoever... good?
yeah, and junhong pissed me a little today... i mean, stop laughing, i now u mean to lighten the mood, but don't laugh when u r not giving constructive comments... yeah, there's something wrong with the info, but jeering is not the right way... sometimes, i can't help but wish u were more direct? i mean, who cares abt hurting others' feelings? it's just irritating...
sis bought lots of clothes for me!!!! haha, must pay her back... haha...
shall try to enjoy tmr....
hiaz... for biz law, there's this guy i really dislike... dominating the whole conversation, perhaps, he's just giving his opinions... i have nothing to say.... i mean, he has already said what i wanna say... and the other guy i think is trying to get me to say something... anyway, he tried once to ask me, i was like, yar? what do u want me to say when the points are in lieu with urs? u mean? i absloutely agree with u? tt's quite dumb rite? whateva, i just hope that i'm not in his grp next week... perhaps, i'm just have a phobia towards him... hiaz...
now, i'm definitely over him... no feelings whatsoever... good?
yeah, and junhong pissed me a little today... i mean, stop laughing, i now u mean to lighten the mood, but don't laugh when u r not giving constructive comments... yeah, there's something wrong with the info, but jeering is not the right way... sometimes, i can't help but wish u were more direct? i mean, who cares abt hurting others' feelings? it's just irritating...
sis bought lots of clothes for me!!!! haha, must pay her back... haha...
shall try to enjoy tmr....
Monday, September 26, 2005
monday monday
went for dental appoinment today.... i can remove my braces soon~!!! perhaps in abt 3 to 4 weeks time.... hiaz... book the wrong appoinment time... gotta change tomorrow.... i planned to read up on my econs duirng the train ride... alas, i fell asleep... on the journey towards there and back... haha.... what a useless person i am... hmm.... ONE TREE HILL is back!!!! oh my gosh!!! i forgot his name... but he's damn shuai!!!! and the story line is so beautiful!!! haha, can't wait to come home and watch everyday....
anyway, hiaz.... i've finally face up to reality.... not gonna come online so much... the reason, i was online everynight till morning it's because of him.... it's so waste of time and energy, stupid of me... yet the experience thought me to be careful... haha.... such bitter musings... it's been nice knowing u... and perhaps that's what it should be... knowing u....
my sis is not back yet... can't wait!!! soon, in a few hours~!!!!!
anyway, hiaz.... i've finally face up to reality.... not gonna come online so much... the reason, i was online everynight till morning it's because of him.... it's so waste of time and energy, stupid of me... yet the experience thought me to be careful... haha.... such bitter musings... it's been nice knowing u... and perhaps that's what it should be... knowing u....
my sis is not back yet... can't wait!!! soon, in a few hours~!!!!!
Sunday, September 25, 2005
sunday noon.....
yes... it's the time of the night.... i'm still blogging.... haha.... wanted to do my resume, but then, got caught up in maple.... actually, i have a motivation to come online as compared to before... so, yar.... so, my mum is home, and she's quite busybody... so, shall blog tmr...
1:45a.m.
sunday afternoon...
just had a lunch of mee pok... a simple meal, yet delicious... ok, i'm crapping.... had my piano lesson with my cousins... i guess, i have high expectations for my students, and if they don't meet them, i will start scolding and stuff.... probably, i give them stress.... has been trying to change this bad habit of mine, but to no avail... alas, i shall keep on trying... yeah, and teaching piano has become real boring... aargh!!!! it's ok, anything for $$.... and my interest in continuing to play the piano... at least, it gives me the chance to play.....
gonna give tuition lesson later... after that, it's off to cityhall to do project.... DAMN!! they always do it at weird timings?? no that i really mind, it's just that if we had done it this way earlier, we would not have to rush now... and the thing that is bugging me is that they refuse to heed my advice? what the heck... perhaps i shld have emphasise... but then, i'm not exactly leader quality... i give my suggestions, and the grp says no.... then it's a no.... hiaz... waste of time... so, just let it be.... OBD... fav subject.... worst project!!!!
as for IT project, i feel kinda guilty... i do not have the access programme at home.... so can't practise... but jia ying is giving it to me next week.... jun hong has been the "brains" behind the project... solving most of the queries... so, kinda guilty.... getting the credit for nothing done.... aargh!!! asking mz... but then the stupid email attachment can't be sent... hiaz.... and mz is having exams... lol.... maybe ask him to meet me... hopefully, he doesn't mind.... really hope all projects are settled so i can study!!!!!
and yeah.... he approached me last night... i may appear foolish, but i remember almost everything that we talk abt... haha.... he asks me if i'm burning the midnight oil, i say yes... but then, he has to let his bro use the com.... hmm.... yeah, i like to raise my expectations to an all time high... so, now.... i've given up.... perhaps, that is why i don't feel so much... it's better... the expectation is there.... BUT, it has been decreasing... siim ann, u have to be sensible... it's working... and soon, u'll be urself....
my sis is coming back tmr!!!!! haha, can see what presents she has for me.... so long.... another week is looming!! aargh!!!!
1:45a.m.
sunday afternoon...
just had a lunch of mee pok... a simple meal, yet delicious... ok, i'm crapping.... had my piano lesson with my cousins... i guess, i have high expectations for my students, and if they don't meet them, i will start scolding and stuff.... probably, i give them stress.... has been trying to change this bad habit of mine, but to no avail... alas, i shall keep on trying... yeah, and teaching piano has become real boring... aargh!!!! it's ok, anything for $$.... and my interest in continuing to play the piano... at least, it gives me the chance to play.....
gonna give tuition lesson later... after that, it's off to cityhall to do project.... DAMN!! they always do it at weird timings?? no that i really mind, it's just that if we had done it this way earlier, we would not have to rush now... and the thing that is bugging me is that they refuse to heed my advice? what the heck... perhaps i shld have emphasise... but then, i'm not exactly leader quality... i give my suggestions, and the grp says no.... then it's a no.... hiaz... waste of time... so, just let it be.... OBD... fav subject.... worst project!!!!
as for IT project, i feel kinda guilty... i do not have the access programme at home.... so can't practise... but jia ying is giving it to me next week.... jun hong has been the "brains" behind the project... solving most of the queries... so, kinda guilty.... getting the credit for nothing done.... aargh!!! asking mz... but then the stupid email attachment can't be sent... hiaz.... and mz is having exams... lol.... maybe ask him to meet me... hopefully, he doesn't mind.... really hope all projects are settled so i can study!!!!!
and yeah.... he approached me last night... i may appear foolish, but i remember almost everything that we talk abt... haha.... he asks me if i'm burning the midnight oil, i say yes... but then, he has to let his bro use the com.... hmm.... yeah, i like to raise my expectations to an all time high... so, now.... i've given up.... perhaps, that is why i don't feel so much... it's better... the expectation is there.... BUT, it has been decreasing... siim ann, u have to be sensible... it's working... and soon, u'll be urself....
my sis is coming back tmr!!!!! haha, can see what presents she has for me.... so long.... another week is looming!! aargh!!!!
Friday, September 23, 2005
i'm back from a super tiring day in sch... had a bad night yesterday... i mean, it was bad for my standards... i have pride myself on being someone who will not cry over a guy... but then.... i dunno why this will happen... perhaps, the expectations now are higher... i don't blame and will not blame u... u don't even know it.... perhaps, this little girl just have a wish to be fulfilled... but then a promise is a promise and stupid excuses just don't suffice... i waited for u the whole night and u just said tt u thought i was mugging... and u are the one who said u will be right back... am i foolish? yes, very much so... no one has ever make me feel the way u do... and i really thank you for this 2-3days.... it has given me alot of things to think abt and i'm glad that i will be who the way i was....
an inpentrable shell.... i have let down my guard for a long time.... perhaps, i should bring it on again, and i will... perhaps, it's really God's will that i have greater things to fulfill and that matters of the heart is not important right now... i really like to think that i have make u think of me too... and that i will not forget u easily...
when i see u online, which is often, my heart gives a little jolt.... i can't help but wish u will talk to me... i will never approach u again.... and soon, i will just love myself... for now, it's one step at a time and the healing process, i believe will be slow... just don't come online so much... it's bad for my heart.... well, maybe, just like yoke, u r the online kind of person...
hiaz... enough said.... maybe i shld just believe in mag... this kind of thing, it's fate... yes, it is.... i'm closing my heart once more....
hiaz...
on a brighter note... IT proj... it's just irritating!! hiaz, some queries not done, not helped by the fact tt u r online... ask mz to help me, hopefully, he knows!!! and OB sux... my grp members, refuse to listen to me, and now, they are saying what i say... haha, the irony of it...
an inpentrable shell.... i have let down my guard for a long time.... perhaps, i should bring it on again, and i will... perhaps, it's really God's will that i have greater things to fulfill and that matters of the heart is not important right now... i really like to think that i have make u think of me too... and that i will not forget u easily...
when i see u online, which is often, my heart gives a little jolt.... i can't help but wish u will talk to me... i will never approach u again.... and soon, i will just love myself... for now, it's one step at a time and the healing process, i believe will be slow... just don't come online so much... it's bad for my heart.... well, maybe, just like yoke, u r the online kind of person...
hiaz... enough said.... maybe i shld just believe in mag... this kind of thing, it's fate... yes, it is.... i'm closing my heart once more....
hiaz...
on a brighter note... IT proj... it's just irritating!! hiaz, some queries not done, not helped by the fact tt u r online... ask mz to help me, hopefully, he knows!!! and OB sux... my grp members, refuse to listen to me, and now, they are saying what i say... haha, the irony of it...
enough
yes... it's the time of the night... 12:45a.m.... u ask me to wait, i did, and all for what? i'm stupid... tt's it.... perhaps i feel more because i'm taking the initiative... what for? why bother to ask me to wait when u r ignoring me? yeah, perhaps u like to play with gals.... i will still think u r a nice guy and i am foolish... hiaz... enough... i'm tired.... no more games.... yes means yes, no means no.... enough....
Thursday, September 22, 2005
myself
been contemplating on coming online or just go study, well, since access is like not avaliable on my laptop and computer, i can't practise, so there's really no excuse to come online, except to practise simnet? hmm... think i shall do just that, so that i am able to do something constructive with my IT grp tmr...
i'm so happy for Yoke!! She got one of the highest for PA!! even though she does not say it, i know she's really satisfied with herself... keep it up!!! don't worry, you can do it for the other modules too... jia you!!
hmm... for PA... i guess, i underestimated myself... i should put in more effort, i know i can... i'm more of the kind that will peak at the end, well, the system in NTU is kind of impossible... hiaz.. just take it as it comes...
hmm... ok... well... how am i going to say this? hiaz... i guess, sometimes, i take things too seriously, and i should just relax... esp. in terms of matters of the heart... i don't deny it's a crush... but when i saw ur pic... my heart plummeted... i know i don't have enough confidence or perhaps the desire to get to know the opp. sex... i have enough of expectations which just does not become true... perhaps, for u, i shld just take it tt u r ny fren, and not someone who may be someone i may love.... i dunno the reason why i talk to u on maple... tt's not my usual habit... i like to think it's fate?? well, fate also have a funny way of making a joke out of me... maybe cos u r nice and i'm blur on tt night... but then, i will not chat with anyone too... so, why did i with u? yes, and on msn, well, i waited for u to come online, and wait for u to approach me... i really have a nice time chatting with u and telling u my problems... & tt u dun wanna not talk to me? so many guesses... and perhaps, i shld not develop these feelings, because it's not fair for u and me.... yes, perhaps, i should do that... i will try, & perhaps through this journey of trying to reidentifying what i feel for u, i will gain more confidence to be myself for any opp. gender... yes, and this is what i will do.... so, no more pinning and waiting for something, but be myself and be strong...
i dun have a way with languages... this is me...
i'm so happy for Yoke!! She got one of the highest for PA!! even though she does not say it, i know she's really satisfied with herself... keep it up!!! don't worry, you can do it for the other modules too... jia you!!
hmm... for PA... i guess, i underestimated myself... i should put in more effort, i know i can... i'm more of the kind that will peak at the end, well, the system in NTU is kind of impossible... hiaz.. just take it as it comes...
hmm... ok... well... how am i going to say this? hiaz... i guess, sometimes, i take things too seriously, and i should just relax... esp. in terms of matters of the heart... i don't deny it's a crush... but when i saw ur pic... my heart plummeted... i know i don't have enough confidence or perhaps the desire to get to know the opp. sex... i have enough of expectations which just does not become true... perhaps, for u, i shld just take it tt u r ny fren, and not someone who may be someone i may love.... i dunno the reason why i talk to u on maple... tt's not my usual habit... i like to think it's fate?? well, fate also have a funny way of making a joke out of me... maybe cos u r nice and i'm blur on tt night... but then, i will not chat with anyone too... so, why did i with u? yes, and on msn, well, i waited for u to come online, and wait for u to approach me... i really have a nice time chatting with u and telling u my problems... & tt u dun wanna not talk to me? so many guesses... and perhaps, i shld not develop these feelings, because it's not fair for u and me.... yes, perhaps, i should do that... i will try, & perhaps through this journey of trying to reidentifying what i feel for u, i will gain more confidence to be myself for any opp. gender... yes, and this is what i will do.... so, no more pinning and waiting for something, but be myself and be strong...
i dun have a way with languages... this is me...
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
OB... SUX...
hiaz... want to study, but got obligations at maple... i give it another 5 mins or so.... ok, the leader died, hiaz... waste my time siaz... at least it's not too late now.... phew!!!!!!
many things to talk abt... firstly, it's my OB project... quite sucky... dunno why my presentation is so bad... usually, i am nervous, but i am able to talk without fumbling... aargh.... why.... i feel bad cos the other members are quite alright... if they get low grades, seems to be my fault? i hate excuses, but i have come up with some distractions they distract me....
1. ok, i keep thinking abt this someone...
2. the blue curtains at the back is v dark... when i saw it, i just forget what i wanna say...
3. this cute guy whom i talk abt is looking at me... (CRAP!)
4. think that mrs ching has high expectations of me...
anyway, she says tt i lack confidence.... maybe it's because my nervousness has translated into the show of lack of confidence... hiaz... i'm alright with informal, but, with slides and all, it just suxs.... hiaz.... i have rehearsed so many times... why??!! maybe i just have a problem with public speaking and all.... i have to MOVE ON!!! aargh!! i i will try next time, and try to ignore the feeling that i have, loss of respect from the class?? maybe just over-sensitive on my part... hiaz...
ok, met this guy on maple... from ntu too.... but much older... and i tend to give my heart easily... yeah, have a crush on him.... it'll soon go away.... he's too cute for me.... hiaz... why, is it always one sided? now, i come online cos of him?? he has such nice stuff said abt him on frenster... hiaz... i really must have hope and stop dreaming.... hiaz... ENOUGH!!!!!
many things to talk abt... firstly, it's my OB project... quite sucky... dunno why my presentation is so bad... usually, i am nervous, but i am able to talk without fumbling... aargh.... why.... i feel bad cos the other members are quite alright... if they get low grades, seems to be my fault? i hate excuses, but i have come up with some distractions they distract me....
1. ok, i keep thinking abt this someone...
2. the blue curtains at the back is v dark... when i saw it, i just forget what i wanna say...
3. this cute guy whom i talk abt is looking at me... (CRAP!)
4. think that mrs ching has high expectations of me...
anyway, she says tt i lack confidence.... maybe it's because my nervousness has translated into the show of lack of confidence... hiaz... i'm alright with informal, but, with slides and all, it just suxs.... hiaz.... i have rehearsed so many times... why??!! maybe i just have a problem with public speaking and all.... i have to MOVE ON!!! aargh!! i i will try next time, and try to ignore the feeling that i have, loss of respect from the class?? maybe just over-sensitive on my part... hiaz...
ok, met this guy on maple... from ntu too.... but much older... and i tend to give my heart easily... yeah, have a crush on him.... it'll soon go away.... he's too cute for me.... hiaz... why, is it always one sided? now, i come online cos of him?? he has such nice stuff said abt him on frenster... hiaz... i really must have hope and stop dreaming.... hiaz... ENOUGH!!!!!
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
projects~!!!!
hiaz.... haven't blog for 2/3 days?? haha.... nothing going much in my life.... really, except that i can't wait for the week end to arrive!!!!!!! then, i can plan what i want to do without interference from anybody!!!!! oh... i'm starting to love biz law, it's because i know what is required??!! haha.... oh, and i have OBD presentation tmr.... yay!!! after tmr, everything will be just fine!!! can't wait......
does it sound twisted, confused? the ramblings of a mad person? yes, i'm going mad.... i really really hate porjects....!!!! time consuming & stupid?? hiaz.... i agree that we have to work with one another.... but it's just that i have to sacrifice on alot of things i like to do... haha... mapling and studying!!! not that i really like studying, but i have to start with a clean, clear mind!! aargh!!
i really hope all the projects will be completed soon....!!!!!!!
i was mapling yesterday night, and i have to be involved in this party quest.... well, it's my first time and i made a boo-boo.... haha.... met this really nice guy from NTU who explained everything to me.... anyway, went for 2 more tries, made more boo-boos... haha... anyway, the guy is real nice... haha....
yeah, can't wait for the weekend to go mapling... childish?? i don't care... at least i have a motivation to study during the week... sianz... can't wait for year-end!!!!!
does it sound twisted, confused? the ramblings of a mad person? yes, i'm going mad.... i really really hate porjects....!!!! time consuming & stupid?? hiaz.... i agree that we have to work with one another.... but it's just that i have to sacrifice on alot of things i like to do... haha... mapling and studying!!! not that i really like studying, but i have to start with a clean, clear mind!! aargh!!
i really hope all the projects will be completed soon....!!!!!!!
i was mapling yesterday night, and i have to be involved in this party quest.... well, it's my first time and i made a boo-boo.... haha.... met this really nice guy from NTU who explained everything to me.... anyway, went for 2 more tries, made more boo-boos... haha... anyway, the guy is real nice... haha....
yeah, can't wait for the weekend to go mapling... childish?? i don't care... at least i have a motivation to study during the week... sianz... can't wait for year-end!!!!!
Saturday, September 17, 2005
usual saturday afternoon
it's a saturday afternoon... and i have not completed my tutorials for biz law and econs... hiaz... if i dun prograstinate, i should be able to complete everything by tonight, which leaves me free to go mapling for the whole day`!!! haha.... i'm a sucker rite? anyway, it's the hols... must as well enjoy every bit of it before i start to mug man... and when i start, i will look like a panda soon.... haha...
anyway, i "lend" my biz law assignment to this tutorial mate of mine through emailing... i trust her, by i have my reservations... don't know whether i'm doing the right thing... hope so ba...
have sent the email to mac~! finally! i hope they will reply by then.... OB ah....
oh yar, that reminds me i have forgotten to email the IT grp mates... aargh~! so many things to do!!
my sis is leaving for hong kong and taiwan tmr... will miss her.... hope she buys lots of things for me!!!
went for a sushi buffet yesterday.... wow, it was nice and real full.... i can eat alot mah~! bought a skirt and bikini bottom to match with surf shorts... hmm.... hope to save enough money for a year-end shopping trip~!!!
my younger sis is having exams next week.... hiaz... hope she stops mapling and study hard... don't waste my parents' $$...
i sound chirpy? i'm quite... i hope everyone can be like my mood today..... chirpy and happy.....!!!!
anyway, i "lend" my biz law assignment to this tutorial mate of mine through emailing... i trust her, by i have my reservations... don't know whether i'm doing the right thing... hope so ba...
have sent the email to mac~! finally! i hope they will reply by then.... OB ah....
oh yar, that reminds me i have forgotten to email the IT grp mates... aargh~! so many things to do!!
my sis is leaving for hong kong and taiwan tmr... will miss her.... hope she buys lots of things for me!!!
went for a sushi buffet yesterday.... wow, it was nice and real full.... i can eat alot mah~! bought a skirt and bikini bottom to match with surf shorts... hmm.... hope to save enough money for a year-end shopping trip~!!!
my younger sis is having exams next week.... hiaz... hope she stops mapling and study hard... don't waste my parents' $$...
i sound chirpy? i'm quite... i hope everyone can be like my mood today..... chirpy and happy.....!!!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
the cave
my laptop is fine~! hooray!!! haha, my sis's "magic" fingers... lol.... i'm very relieved, as in i don't have to worry abt buying another one... yay~!!!
anyway, went to watch moive with yoke... THE CAVE... haha, has yoke's fav name, jack jack... it's quite a draggy movie, where the directing is quite lousy... however, i like the concept.... before the show, there were 2 horror trailers... yoke was so funny!! she covered her eyes~! haha... i'm quite terrified, as i don't really enjoy horror shows... i will start to imagine stupid things... however, i'm quite interested in the skeleton key... shall catch it then.... we went to bought matching bracelets with many hands... yoke counted it... 13~!! haha, we also have matching earrings.... yay~!!
hiaz..... sometimes, my parents say hurting things... and i guess i have no choice but to accept them... hiaz.... i wish i can fight back... but....
shall enjoy tmr~!!!
anyway, went to watch moive with yoke... THE CAVE... haha, has yoke's fav name, jack jack... it's quite a draggy movie, where the directing is quite lousy... however, i like the concept.... before the show, there were 2 horror trailers... yoke was so funny!! she covered her eyes~! haha... i'm quite terrified, as i don't really enjoy horror shows... i will start to imagine stupid things... however, i'm quite interested in the skeleton key... shall catch it then.... we went to bought matching bracelets with many hands... yoke counted it... 13~!! haha, we also have matching earrings.... yay~!!
hiaz..... sometimes, my parents say hurting things... and i guess i have no choice but to accept them... hiaz.... i wish i can fight back... but....
shall enjoy tmr~!!!
crying
i've counted the last time i cried.... it was exactly one week ago... don't ask me why i keep crying... because, i don't even know why.... well, i know the reason.... it's not the same as why i keep crying.... but rather why i know i cry this time and the other time.... just don't know why i do it continuously....
i brought my laptop to do this project at funan.... when i was going home, it was pouring, literally pouring, where i can't even see the skyline clearly.... well, only geraldine and i brought our umbrellas with us.... and i thought that my laptop bag was waterproof, so i happily let it be soaked in the rain.... and i even offered to shelter the other gal... am i stupid? yes. cos, my laptop is spoilt now...
when i reached home, i didn't check my laptop... i was thinking, i'll check it later, since it's dinnertime, and i shouldn't create a big fuss since my family is eating... when i checked it later, well, i tried to on it, and hooray, i can't.... i was quite frustrated with it, and i used the hairdryer to blow it... then i went to bathe... and my stupid dad, he started to scold me.... i was quite alright with it, cos, it's my fault.... then, b4 i went to shower, my dad was saying that i was wasting money blah blah blah... and that he wouldn't pay for my transport and stuff blah blah blah.... i was angry, and i mumbled loudly, what the heck, nobody ask u for transport for a long time, my mum has been the one giving.... and i sort of close the door loudly, i DIDN'T bang the door....
he started complaining to my mum abt my behaviour, why i was nasty to him, he thinks it's because i was angry with him over not letting us watch the tv... well, as i've written before, it's cos of my mum... i shouldn't do that, i know i'm wrong.... but i can't help it... i feel he's bullying my mum... what the heck it did... my mum still scolds me like anything.... i couldn't help it but break down.... u think i am nasty to u because of the tv? and i'm the only one who bothers to greet my parents hi and goodbye, eat rice and good night, and when i stop doing that, it's my fault, when my sisters didn't even do it.... so i am expected to be the perfect daughter.... come on, i didn't even ask for the laptop to be spoilt... u mean i purposely not check on my laptop, i just want u guys to have dinner in peace.... yes, and i'm glad that the laptop is spoilt? u guys only care abt ur feelings, how u have wasted $ to "repay" my uncle and frens who helped to repair the laptop... but what abt me? u mean, i'm not upset at my stupidity... to soak the laptop... u mean, i'm suppose to cry and all.... i have to MOVE ON.... u mean i don't think of ways to salvage the laptop? u can be upset, but not me... what do u think i am? i just can't take it anymore...
i broke down for quite long... and as i'm typing this, tears are once again rolling down my cheeks... i don't know why... i want to stop crying.... i don't know if it's a sort of release, but it's taking a toll on me..... this is not me.... i want the me back... i don't know why i can be there for ppl but not myself.... WHY? WHY?
before he slept, he warned me again... not to complain abt not using the com, and fighting with my sister... when the heck did i do that? i'm real tired of crying... i want to stop... please help me...
i guess the problem stems from lacking of understanding for me.... on the surface, i may seem easy to understand.... but most do not know the real me.... hiaz.... i just want the whole and family to be at peace.... i want my mother to love me, my dad to understand me.... please stop scolding me and expecting me to be the perfect daughter.... i can't... i want my sisters to not let me choose... i want a lot... and i know i've given alot... why can't i have it? i want to stop crying....
i brought my laptop to do this project at funan.... when i was going home, it was pouring, literally pouring, where i can't even see the skyline clearly.... well, only geraldine and i brought our umbrellas with us.... and i thought that my laptop bag was waterproof, so i happily let it be soaked in the rain.... and i even offered to shelter the other gal... am i stupid? yes. cos, my laptop is spoilt now...
when i reached home, i didn't check my laptop... i was thinking, i'll check it later, since it's dinnertime, and i shouldn't create a big fuss since my family is eating... when i checked it later, well, i tried to on it, and hooray, i can't.... i was quite frustrated with it, and i used the hairdryer to blow it... then i went to bathe... and my stupid dad, he started to scold me.... i was quite alright with it, cos, it's my fault.... then, b4 i went to shower, my dad was saying that i was wasting money blah blah blah... and that he wouldn't pay for my transport and stuff blah blah blah.... i was angry, and i mumbled loudly, what the heck, nobody ask u for transport for a long time, my mum has been the one giving.... and i sort of close the door loudly, i DIDN'T bang the door....
he started complaining to my mum abt my behaviour, why i was nasty to him, he thinks it's because i was angry with him over not letting us watch the tv... well, as i've written before, it's cos of my mum... i shouldn't do that, i know i'm wrong.... but i can't help it... i feel he's bullying my mum... what the heck it did... my mum still scolds me like anything.... i couldn't help it but break down.... u think i am nasty to u because of the tv? and i'm the only one who bothers to greet my parents hi and goodbye, eat rice and good night, and when i stop doing that, it's my fault, when my sisters didn't even do it.... so i am expected to be the perfect daughter.... come on, i didn't even ask for the laptop to be spoilt... u mean i purposely not check on my laptop, i just want u guys to have dinner in peace.... yes, and i'm glad that the laptop is spoilt? u guys only care abt ur feelings, how u have wasted $ to "repay" my uncle and frens who helped to repair the laptop... but what abt me? u mean, i'm not upset at my stupidity... to soak the laptop... u mean, i'm suppose to cry and all.... i have to MOVE ON.... u mean i don't think of ways to salvage the laptop? u can be upset, but not me... what do u think i am? i just can't take it anymore...
i broke down for quite long... and as i'm typing this, tears are once again rolling down my cheeks... i don't know why... i want to stop crying.... i don't know if it's a sort of release, but it's taking a toll on me..... this is not me.... i want the me back... i don't know why i can be there for ppl but not myself.... WHY? WHY?
before he slept, he warned me again... not to complain abt not using the com, and fighting with my sister... when the heck did i do that? i'm real tired of crying... i want to stop... please help me...
i guess the problem stems from lacking of understanding for me.... on the surface, i may seem easy to understand.... but most do not know the real me.... hiaz.... i just want the whole and family to be at peace.... i want my mother to love me, my dad to understand me.... please stop scolding me and expecting me to be the perfect daughter.... i can't... i want my sisters to not let me choose... i want a lot... and i know i've given alot... why can't i have it? i want to stop crying....
Monday, September 12, 2005
how i wish....
changed my blogskin... haha... kind of cute.... and sweet....
having flu now.... eyes are blurry.... don't really know what to say...
oh yar... it's the start of my one week break... and i have to go funan mall to do project.... so wonderful... how i wish i can stay at home all day and play the computer all day too.... well, that's just me...
how i wish i can slack through the hols... but that is just not possible... so many readings, and books not opened yet... sianz....
how i wish life is not so hot with this weather, and that everyone is nice to everyone....
how i wish i don't have to be politically correct all the time....
this is taking a toll on me....
how i wish....
i never have to witness all these....
having flu now.... eyes are blurry.... don't really know what to say...
oh yar... it's the start of my one week break... and i have to go funan mall to do project.... so wonderful... how i wish i can stay at home all day and play the computer all day too.... well, that's just me...
how i wish i can slack through the hols... but that is just not possible... so many readings, and books not opened yet... sianz....
how i wish life is not so hot with this weather, and that everyone is nice to everyone....
how i wish i don't have to be politically correct all the time....
this is taking a toll on me....
how i wish....
i never have to witness all these....
Thursday, September 08, 2005
JERK~!
guys are such jerks~! u r already engaged, why bother to engage in this childish teasing of ppl who are 8 years ur junior.... yes, i may be the one initiating all the stupid feelings towards u... but, u should have known better... when they start teasing us, u should have proclaim tt u r engaged... it's no bloody fault of urs tt i was the one having these feelings for u, but u r engaged.... for common sense sake, let us know, so that i will not even think abt u.... they are having fun at my expense.... initially, it was fine, now, i'm getting irritated by it... so, i need to stop having illusions abt u anyway... the thing is, u think it's funny.... going along with it.... have u even consider abt my feelings.... i may have someone else.... it's harmless fun, BUT, u should think whether someone else is affected by it... selfish, childish, idiotic JERK!!!! AARGH!!!
hiaz... i'm thinking whether i'm up to uni standard... all my tests and quizzes, i seem to be getting results below average... this is sucky~!!! for IT quiz, i shld stop making excuses man.... but i should just say this... wasted 5 mins getting the server to save..... then, i thought that i must finished it within 10 mins... thus, i was hurrying through it... hiaz.... sux man.... and i know that some competitve ppl are laughing at me or having this real comforting thought they are doing better than me... it seems that everywhere i go, i meet ppl like these... sux... & i should stop talking so much.... i seem to be more of an interruption... yay, my new motto: let ppl talk, even if they don't give me a chance to voice my thoughts... yeah, self-centred freaks....
my sisters can't get along.... u know, sometimes, 2 ppl just don't click... i'm always caught between... hiaz... it's quite sucky... pls think of me sometimes.....
hiaz... hiaz.... hiaz... as usual, a msg from MZ is enough to cheer me up....
hiaz... i'm thinking whether i'm up to uni standard... all my tests and quizzes, i seem to be getting results below average... this is sucky~!!! for IT quiz, i shld stop making excuses man.... but i should just say this... wasted 5 mins getting the server to save..... then, i thought that i must finished it within 10 mins... thus, i was hurrying through it... hiaz.... sux man.... and i know that some competitve ppl are laughing at me or having this real comforting thought they are doing better than me... it seems that everywhere i go, i meet ppl like these... sux... & i should stop talking so much.... i seem to be more of an interruption... yay, my new motto: let ppl talk, even if they don't give me a chance to voice my thoughts... yeah, self-centred freaks....
my sisters can't get along.... u know, sometimes, 2 ppl just don't click... i'm always caught between... hiaz... it's quite sucky... pls think of me sometimes.....
hiaz... hiaz.... hiaz... as usual, a msg from MZ is enough to cheer me up....
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
update
i'm now in ntu's free access lab.... doing what else? printing notes... it's a relief not to have sch on mon... but yet, i have to wake up early to print the notes, because my favourite lecturer of OB post it on mon.... it's ok, as i often have breakfast on tuesdays with my sistas... i woke up early, and drag my younger sis out of bed.... then we left to have breakfast, where, i left the foodcourt quite early, early for her but not me... she reached sch abt 40 mins early... haha... i must train her to be on time....
anyway, was reading the previous entry... i've been trying to be nicer to my dad... think it's succeeding.... what the heck, i hope i can escape and get my own place soon... but, no, i will not be unfilial.... since, they always say out own place will look like shit without them.... so, they can't wait for us to leave... haha... it's a win-win situation...
sch is sometimes very stressful, esp. biz law.... sometimes, i feel real stupid as i'm quite slow in grasping what the grp are saying... hiaz.... but for this week's tutorial, i'm quite relieved, in the sense that i can guess what the tutor is asking for while the others are hesistant to provide answers... that means, i'm on par? hopefully.... then, there's this assignment which needs to be handed in....
last night, i wasted one whole hour doing this stupid report which is due 2 weeks later... what the heck? hence, i can't study for my IT quiz.... i pray that i can study everything by tonight.... with my sucky results for econs, i better buck up in something.... i want to slp early.... have been slping at 1 plus when i have to wake up at 615 the next day~!!! aargh~!!!! it's real bad on my health.... drinking coffee to stay awake....
i'm gonna stop playing maple story till the long break.... i have suddenly gained the motivation to study and mug hard... haha... don't know where the motivation comes from... i suspect it's because i know i'm lagging behind, and i don't know if i will be able to pick up... competition it's stiff and i can create it too... sounds like i have no life rite? but then, sch is life... what a sad thing... that's why i'm not even grumpy when i slp late as compared to secondary sch and jc... the thing is i've totally regained the feeling from secondary sch (yay~!) where i'm totally indifferent to others' achievement.... in nj, it's hard, as everyone keeps throwing it in ur face... now, u meet ppl for a limited time, where stress increase is difficult to be rubbed in my face... haha...
for my elective, PA, i feel that i'm wasting my parents money.... he really can't teach.... uninspiring and boring.... sianz.... hope i pass well man...
i have sever all contacts with him... that is the only way, i believe to stop pinning for hope. don't think it's hard as compared to last time, because we don't have a start....
don't know whether i have enough money to study for my piano diploma.... i don't feel like burdening my parents with the piano fees esp. of the 3 of us are studying... what i earn is barely enough to cover the fees... leftovers is quite little, don't know whether it's worth it or not.... hiaz...
got started on OB... yay~! now, just IT... we have to start~! haha.... sianz....
this is a long entry.... must update on my boring life... lol...
anyway, was reading the previous entry... i've been trying to be nicer to my dad... think it's succeeding.... what the heck, i hope i can escape and get my own place soon... but, no, i will not be unfilial.... since, they always say out own place will look like shit without them.... so, they can't wait for us to leave... haha... it's a win-win situation...
sch is sometimes very stressful, esp. biz law.... sometimes, i feel real stupid as i'm quite slow in grasping what the grp are saying... hiaz.... but for this week's tutorial, i'm quite relieved, in the sense that i can guess what the tutor is asking for while the others are hesistant to provide answers... that means, i'm on par? hopefully.... then, there's this assignment which needs to be handed in....
last night, i wasted one whole hour doing this stupid report which is due 2 weeks later... what the heck? hence, i can't study for my IT quiz.... i pray that i can study everything by tonight.... with my sucky results for econs, i better buck up in something.... i want to slp early.... have been slping at 1 plus when i have to wake up at 615 the next day~!!! aargh~!!!! it's real bad on my health.... drinking coffee to stay awake....
i'm gonna stop playing maple story till the long break.... i have suddenly gained the motivation to study and mug hard... haha... don't know where the motivation comes from... i suspect it's because i know i'm lagging behind, and i don't know if i will be able to pick up... competition it's stiff and i can create it too... sounds like i have no life rite? but then, sch is life... what a sad thing... that's why i'm not even grumpy when i slp late as compared to secondary sch and jc... the thing is i've totally regained the feeling from secondary sch (yay~!) where i'm totally indifferent to others' achievement.... in nj, it's hard, as everyone keeps throwing it in ur face... now, u meet ppl for a limited time, where stress increase is difficult to be rubbed in my face... haha...
for my elective, PA, i feel that i'm wasting my parents money.... he really can't teach.... uninspiring and boring.... sianz.... hope i pass well man...
i have sever all contacts with him... that is the only way, i believe to stop pinning for hope. don't think it's hard as compared to last time, because we don't have a start....
don't know whether i have enough money to study for my piano diploma.... i don't feel like burdening my parents with the piano fees esp. of the 3 of us are studying... what i earn is barely enough to cover the fees... leftovers is quite little, don't know whether it's worth it or not.... hiaz...
got started on OB... yay~! now, just IT... we have to start~! haha.... sianz....
this is a long entry.... must update on my boring life... lol...
Sunday, September 04, 2005
i just don't know
i've become vulnerable... yoke says so... and i agree with her.... dunno why... been trying to find out... i've always pride myself to be strong.... the fact that when someone, ie, dad scolds me, i will not get mad... no opinions and comments will make me angry... essentially, a cold fish... that is how i view relationships too... however, in jc, i dunno what happen... i start to feel more for people.... that is the first step to trusting ppl? and i've realise, i've gotten more hurt... so, what's the use?
my parents sux.... ok, that's quite unfilial.... ok, very unfilial.... since i've started doing housework for the family after my op... willingly... as in i don't mind... since then, everyone expects me to do the housework... to be in charge of this, that.... i don't complain, i mean.... i don't even mind.... then, whenever things happen, they scold me... expect me to do this and that... why i say, yar, ask me to do everything.... they scolded me.. for being rude.... it happened a few times... and i cry everytime... it's because i feel that i've done my best and no one apprecitates it... they only know how to scold me.... my dad is retrenched... he keeps putting his frustrations on us... i hate that... plus that he always complains when asked to do housework.... my mum complains abt him too... and i feel that he's being unfair to my mum... hence, i've adopted a bad attitude towards him... it's wrong for me to do that... since, he's been so patient with me during my op... that is what made it worse... i dunno what i'm doing anymore, and i find it hard to undo anything.... and as it goes on, he keeps saying i'm rude.... i feel that i've always been like that... the thing is, why can't they ask why have i become like that? instead of always blaming us for everything...
they complain that we don't help out with anything... they thing is we do.... fold clothes, sweep floor, boil water... but they expect us to do ALL the housework... i'm questioning is that fair? come on, we have to study.... ur work needs rest, but not revision... they complain they have insufficient sleep... i have too.... it probably affects me more than my sisters, because, i've been the sole person doing all the housework most of the time.... i'm not saying i'm a siant, my sisters like to say that.... it's because i don't mind... i can not study for my econs test just so i can help my mum to iron part of the clothes... i can sleep lesser just to fold the clothes... i can buy dinner for everyone... the thing is, nobody even bothers.. i dun mind, but can't they stop scolding me for everything.... i'm rude, when my sisters are... they are not scolded, but i am.... its not fair to expect me to be able to be everything that u want me to be.... i have just started uni.... everything is not a bed of roses... and i have to endure all this at home.... it just is not fair....
i have problem with my dad.... we dun understand each other anymore... he complains abt everything, and i wonder how long i can take it... i think he said just now that i will wait to see what happens after uni... meaning he will take revenge for my rudeness... so many things... i dun know whether i will give up one day... i can't be the model daughter, achiever.... i just can't... u have to choose.... i can't stop this bad attitude unless u improve urs... why does everything has to come from me?
i'm very tired.... pls, stop forcing me....
my parents sux.... ok, that's quite unfilial.... ok, very unfilial.... since i've started doing housework for the family after my op... willingly... as in i don't mind... since then, everyone expects me to do the housework... to be in charge of this, that.... i don't complain, i mean.... i don't even mind.... then, whenever things happen, they scold me... expect me to do this and that... why i say, yar, ask me to do everything.... they scolded me.. for being rude.... it happened a few times... and i cry everytime... it's because i feel that i've done my best and no one apprecitates it... they only know how to scold me.... my dad is retrenched... he keeps putting his frustrations on us... i hate that... plus that he always complains when asked to do housework.... my mum complains abt him too... and i feel that he's being unfair to my mum... hence, i've adopted a bad attitude towards him... it's wrong for me to do that... since, he's been so patient with me during my op... that is what made it worse... i dunno what i'm doing anymore, and i find it hard to undo anything.... and as it goes on, he keeps saying i'm rude.... i feel that i've always been like that... the thing is, why can't they ask why have i become like that? instead of always blaming us for everything...
they complain that we don't help out with anything... they thing is we do.... fold clothes, sweep floor, boil water... but they expect us to do ALL the housework... i'm questioning is that fair? come on, we have to study.... ur work needs rest, but not revision... they complain they have insufficient sleep... i have too.... it probably affects me more than my sisters, because, i've been the sole person doing all the housework most of the time.... i'm not saying i'm a siant, my sisters like to say that.... it's because i don't mind... i can not study for my econs test just so i can help my mum to iron part of the clothes... i can sleep lesser just to fold the clothes... i can buy dinner for everyone... the thing is, nobody even bothers.. i dun mind, but can't they stop scolding me for everything.... i'm rude, when my sisters are... they are not scolded, but i am.... its not fair to expect me to be able to be everything that u want me to be.... i have just started uni.... everything is not a bed of roses... and i have to endure all this at home.... it just is not fair....
i have problem with my dad.... we dun understand each other anymore... he complains abt everything, and i wonder how long i can take it... i think he said just now that i will wait to see what happens after uni... meaning he will take revenge for my rudeness... so many things... i dun know whether i will give up one day... i can't be the model daughter, achiever.... i just can't... u have to choose.... i can't stop this bad attitude unless u improve urs... why does everything has to come from me?
i'm very tired.... pls, stop forcing me....
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