KING KONG

ok, i'm pissed... really... which teenager don't use the com? yes, i'm extreme, so what? then ask me to pay for the electricity bill.... whatever.... i will pay if u ask me, ok.... so i use, everyone uses.... no matter how much or how litte, or whatever purpose, not all is for a credible cuase... so, just lay off my back... sigh... sianz.... sometimes, i wonder, i'm not really causing any harm, why can't let me enjoy? whatever....

been meaning to blog abt KING KONG.... but as usual, was rather distracted... hmm, ok... the movie is kind of full of Peter's Jackson style... slow yet not slow... drawing u into the movie, yet not at the same time... cos, u just wonder when will it all end? not really boring, yet kind of wishing that it will move on... and the female lead, all she does is just scream, scream and scream.... the dialouge could have more improvements... well, despite many complaints, it's an enjoyable movie, really worth the ticket price... so, go catch it!!!

sch is starting.... sigh sigh sigh... yes, i'm a lazy bum.... not bad that yoke and i have the same marketing class... yay!!!! hmm, sucky, can't get the timetable she wants... back to sch, is rather kind of sianz... and not really looking forward to it, but don't really have a choice either... i want to keep to my promise of mugging real hard, so kind of can't maple for long... sigh, gonna miss the ppl i met during the hols... sigh.... what to do? this is life....

actually, just remembered some stuff that i wanna blog, but somehow just swept off my mind... one is the presentation that liyan brought me to... it's actually a training programme for ppl to improve their ppl skills and gain their confidence... this company is a networking company in the sense that u bring and intro more ppl to attend their programme... i'm keen on it, but it's expensive and that i can see how the people has changed after going through this programme... for one, the guy who made the presentation, he's and econs undergraduate from NUS... well, he's a nerd, those kind who doesn't speak, quiet kind... and now, he has all the confidence to fulfill his dreams, and his goals are more clear.. the programme does that to u... perhaps, u think i'm easily influence by some presentation... but i guess, u just know when things are for real and which are not... they have investments in certain areas... sigh, i wanna go, but no $$$$... see how ba...

yeah... we are frens... hmm... nothing to say.. we are frens...

the year is ending, and perhaps i should give some reflections abt what happen during the year... tomorrow, yes, i shall do that... the last day of enjoyment before sch is gonna start... to all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

a usual day

gotta plan the timetable soon... sigh... one of the things to do before school starts... i sound like a lazy bum?? probably i'm one.... well, not probably, i am one... haha... it's just plain honesty... i hope i get to attend lessons with yoke! otherwise, i'll be bored to tears!! or rather, scary... no familiar faces... that's really life rite?? sigh... ok... life's like that....

gonna go watch king kong tmr... and i'm counting down to when sch starts, which is, hiaz...

ok, sad entry, keep sighing...

yoke's back!!! yay! hope she's not angry with me....

okies.... happy timetable planning tmr for me!

the chronicles of narnia: the lion, the witch and the wardrobe

i went to watch the chronicles of narnia!!!! it's a damn nice movie!! don't know why my sis says it's draggy... didn't find it abt draggy at all.... well, perhaps, they could use prettier leads?? haha... compared to the guys, hmm, the gals are abit...? haha... peter is cute!! in a blur way... his acting is not good enough though... but i like the set.... all the different characters were very real, and the animals talking were not fake at all!!! the loyalty between the characters is the whole theme of the movie... and the way the magic of narnia surrounds the whole story, is just so astounding, makes u wonder abt the real world we live in, which is not really great.... haha... nice!!! pls go watch!!!

been mapling the whole day... sad life i have? haha, it's alright i guess, i can do stuff like read my text books, i've tried, 2 pages?? haha.... sigh, i really wish sch doesn't have to start, because i really don't wanna go sch... in the sense that all the projects, and more distractions... the main thing i have to face, is my sad resume...? hiaz, so many things to consider and think... i really don't feel like thinking all of this... and the people i have to face? project mates and all, and projects... sigh... aargh!!! nowadays, when i wake up, i have a heavy heart..... really sigh!!!!hiaz... it's life isn't it??

i've been trying to be nice to ppl... esp. my grandma... i don't mean to be rude, but sometimes, i don't feel like talking, so will be not responding, which is not very good at all... sigh, i have to try better... they are more important than anything....

ook, enough, of sad comments... live on!

one of my bros... haha.... guys... destroyed my christmas tree!! maple christmas was nice!

up till now, maple christmas is only spent with D... but no fret... someone's coming!

i like dancing on stars!!!

MY CHRISTMAS!! nice tree?? haha....

merry christmas!

i have a happy day... albeit a bit tired... but nevertheless, a happy, enjoyable and fun day!!! its not everyday that i get to have such a nice day.... i really hope and wish that everyday wld be like that, but it's highly impossible... but what the heck, people are always wishing that impossible things will happen... so, i'm gonna wish for it too... haha.... and the only thing that spoils this day is my mum's attitude... seriously, dunno what's wrong with her... well, for one thing, she's definitely unpredictable...

i went swimming today!!! with my cousins!! well, they are so much younger then me, and u know, kids, they have no innibitions at all.. so, it's rather nice! they tire me out though.... haha.... played ball with them.... sorta celebrating my cousin's bday! the food's not really that great though.... but then, had nice cake, and chocolates!! so, overall, not that bad... haha, luckily, no major fights or anything.... that's good!!

that's all, have not been blogging for a long time, cos, not many nice stuff happen these few days.... hopefully, everyday's nice!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!

dim sum treat

i went for dim sum buffet at china square today... it was not bad, the only thing which is kind of sickening is that the variety is quite limited, so eating the same kind of treats most of the time... but i rather enjoyed the chicken legs!!! one of my fav dishes!! the pity is such that not all the family members were there... sigh... it would be much better....

i'm broke again... bought too much stuff... haha, not really all are practical... some are impulse stuff... sigh... gals, seldom buy stuff but when i buy, i really do buy... must cut down, save some money....

hmm... i'm over the results thing... i mean, well, just work hard next sem, give it my all.... i did not do it for this sem, so, have to really really mug hard next sem... sigh, discovered that the biz law guy is in most of my tutorials... well, i really have no choice but to deal with the situation... that is not to be dumb... i mean, sigh, i will try harder next sem, to get on better with the tutorial ppl... it's not gonna be easy for me, well, i have no choice but to try... and hope that projects will pass by smoothly....

glad that things between me and my twin sis are getting better... i will try... and hopefully, no more quarrels in the future...

went out with my younger sis ytd... haha, buy so many things.... owe me $$$ too.... haha....

yoke is in malaysia... sigh... no more online mate for awhile...

ok.... hmm... i was kind of shocked, not really shocked, but pleasantly surprised when he asked me if i'm in a good mood... hmm, not many ppl can sense it, esp. online... so, it was rather nice.... and, i'm glad that he did not ask me for my results, tt would have really marred my opinion of him... and once again, i was pleasantly surprised when he asked me why am i not slping and replied that he was waiting for me to slp... hmm, i was mapling, so did not immediately reply... and he did not say anything, and when i thought of a reply he replied tt he was joking... so, i am not even sure if he really cares or?? haha... it's really fine for me... just kind of funny and nice in a way...

back to mapling!!! cannot let my buddies scold me anymore!!!

cried

for all the talk i have made piror to my results, during my exams and all, i deserve everything i get... i wanna lash out and scold ppl, i'm not in a good mood, and i wanna cry now.... i would, yeah, later... when i slp... after a good cry, i wld probably feel better.... yeah. i would.

i dunno why? all i ever did is not good enough... it's never, will never, and will never be.... everything is my fault.... everytime... u have high expectations for me... i really can't fufill them all... i've tried, u know... i just sometimes want to be who i am.... i'm trying not to be selfish... i'm trying for alot of things... it's just is not enough.... everytime, it's like this... how long are u gonna stay angry at me? how long are u gonna accuse me of the same things over and over again? how many times are u gonna try to understand me? how? i really don't know what to do... everything that happens at home, is my fault... i've try not to let things get to me... it's not easy, to be always put down... yeah, so i've become defensive... unfeeling... i've done so much to achieve this, and i know it's not right... so, i don't even know who i am right now...

leave it? maybe that's what i will in the end... i will just do what i can... and hope things turn out fine... acceptance of anger, that's what i am and that's who i am.... and, i can't be what u want me to be... just wanna let u know, i do have my own life, which i hope u can try to understand.... i do try to understand, but u don't wanna care anymore... it's just so easy to say FINE, let's forget everything and sever all ties.... i don't really wanna say, except that, i can't be the one always giving, trying to make amends, when I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THERE'S A PROBLEM? sigh... i don't know what to say...

u are sick and tired... perhaps we need to talk....but then, i've tried... and, yeah...

i will work hard next sem... i will not put my foot where my mouth is... i will and i have to...

results.... sigh

first thing first, results are not out yet.... well, my feelings for it are rather filled with anticipation, not so that i expect i would do very well, but in fact, just get the results, and that's it... the results did not mar my enjoyment of the hols, but it would be nice not to be in a state of uncertainty... the constant checking of the website for any information... sigh... just give it to me...

i agree with yoke, that finding a boyfren is seemingly desperate.... well, how much can i say abt this? i don't even have any experience... but this whole interaction with the opposite sex, well, it's rather unusual for me... in the sense, that i seldom talk to males... not by purpose but rather by circumstances.... i have very little male frens, bringing out a lot of things that i've never know before... so, it sounds rather pathetic rite? well, it really doesn't matter to me...

the whole point in bringing out this issue is that i'm sick and tired of being something that they used me for.... only looking for me when they wanna tell me something, talk to me when they wanna play game with me.... and when i asked them to help me, it's like i'm taking away their life or something... suxs... they think it's nothing much, well, gals do think alot... and i'm tired of being used, being taken advantage of... and i totally resent being reminded of "i told u so" when i'm already quite sad over things... and i hate being called "hey ger", or whatever variations... well, u don't know me, and i don't know u.... so it's really fair... but what the heck, it's only a game.... anyway, such things don't matter to guys at all, so whatever.... i can think like them too... everything is much simpler....

hiaz, by now, i have gotten back my results... in a nutshell, it suxs like shit.... well, it's only an average, that means, my results are average, so super average that u can't imagine how average it is.... kind of afraid it's gonna affect my overall results in the end... the thing is, i don't even know where to fault myself for? yes, ok, i did study, to the best, for some subjs, like biz law... so, it's kind of, like wtf? i don't really care abt the others, just fearful for my overall in the end... that i'm really like not on par with the rest.... aargh!!!! i deserve this kind of results to a large extent, not gonna deny the fact that i didn't really throw myself into studying for almost everything, but i understand and all, and freaking did my best!!! so what's wrong? i'm that bad?

sigh, twin sis says it's the first sem, mz says i did fine... but then, by the overall standard, i feel i did not... and i don't even know what's the problem? sigh... the only thing i can do now is to promise myself that i will do better next sem... i mean, there's really nothing i can do right now... seriously, i'm fine, yet not... i don't know how to describe the feeling... it's like, i really did what i can, and the final product is? aargh!! sigh, it's over... yes, it's over... thanks for all who is asking me am i alright or not... i hope i am, i know, eventually i wld be.... so thanks...

thanks mz man, i dunno why, u can always cheer me up... seriously, thanks for making me feel so much better....

sigh

my leg hurts like shit!!!! haha, cos, i wore heals and shop... it really hurts.... hiaz, something's wrong with my legs lar... probably due to the lack of use... haha... we went to farrer park, race course road or something like that.... to buy my sis's beads.... walk and walk... my feet almost can't make it... we then headed to town after that, with my mum and sis.... we went far east, where we looked at more beads... hmm.... learnt quite a few things abt stones... quite interesting....

went to mango... the thing abt sales at mango is that there's so many ppl to the extent that u can't do anything properly, like finding the stuff u want....

sigh.... sigh... sigh....

i really don't know what to say, except that u have made me v unhappy... don't know what's wrong between us... u are really petty... and really, whatever

mislead me, fine...

went out to celebrate yu sui's bday today!!! we went xing le.... this restaurant selling ramen... it wasn't very nice, perhaps, i chose the wrong one.... hiaz.... but i had a nice time chatting with my frens.... hui qi, hwee min and yu sui... we then headed for hui qi's hse and played mahjong and bridge!!! haha, i didn't win any at mahjong, and i won a bit at bridge... no matter what, it was fun!! hopefully, we get to meet up again.... the feeling is different somehow, when u hang out with different ppl...

i then went to raffles shopping centre to mango after visiting my sister's tailor... there's so many ppl! i really hate crowds!!! hard to find what u want... then we headed to raffles to meet my aunt, where we had this really really nice fried fish and sotong!! i really love that stall!

my aunty then wanted to go chinatown, and so we went... hmm, we visited the shop to buy my sis's beads... and then went shopping! my aunty bought a skirt for me... well, she wanted to pay for it... thanks! haha... can save a bit of money...

ok, the reason for blogging today is not really to talk abt my day... it's abt, well, him.... and i don't really know what u want from me.... u are the one who always initiates the conversation... ok, so i reply, like any other human being.... and u purposely wanted to talk to me and tell me abt ur day, so, i listen.... yes, and i'm super available to u, so, u are taking things for granted right? i don't know, and seriously don't care.... and yesterday's conversation was quite in depth, well, i was super fine with it... and, the thing is, i don't know why u ask me those questions, and i choose to think it's just like a normal conversation... and it is? well, i'm quite pissed... i'm not ur whatever, u can't just ask me why am i online or offline... its just, really, none of ur biz? yoke doesn't ask me, what right u have? fuck off lar...

and today, i choose to head hwee min's advice, don't let u take me for granted, and u come and greet me with that msg before going offline... WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THAT? it's also none of ur biz why i wanna put brb.... it's my life ok, i don't have to answer u at all... i'm sick and tired of playing catch with u... i caught the right feeling, and i let it go cos it's not really clear? anyway, u are still hung over that gal, and if u choose to use it to mislead me, u have succeeded... congrats man.... i don't really care.... WHAT I CARE ABT IS THAT I DON'T LIKE U ASKING ME ALOT ABT ME K... i don't owe u an explanantion.... and don't think that every gal will like u, well, happens that i don't really care...

my mum and sis says, if i don't care abt him, don't talk to him too much.... he has a motive... everyone has a motive for confiding so much... the thing is, well, i talk to yoke everyday, almost, and i choose to infer the relationship as that.... u don't wanna make it clear? so do i.... cos, i'm over the questioning for myself... whatever lar....

just, fuck off...

sleepy

i'm super tired now!!! truly, perhaps i should go take a nap.... but i don't like naps... ok?? i'm a bit mad lar... haha.... don't think we shld waste time on slping... haha.... so, trying hard not to fall asleep now... been slping late these days, mapling, cos my sis is using till late too.... so, i accompany her... yes, it's true... not that i just maple only... haha... she bought this ring watch for me... i love it!!! and mango has sale now, hopefully, wld be able to get their jeans... just love them to bits!

hmm, maple is full of disgusting ppl!! my little bro, who's super nice!! got scammed 3 times! damn it! why can't these ppl just play fairly?? it's really disgusing... no repsecting game codes.... real bad!!!

gonna do my christmas cards later... haha... yes, i do do stuff other than maple...

i think i've sorta figured out how i feel towards everything.... well, at least him.... the reason i am feeling sorta numb, and trying not to feel is because of the other relationship experience i have... i'm afraid that if i start building my dreams around u now, i would get nothing in return like the other time.... i'm not seeing alot of things now, things that may be obvious, but i treat it as not... there's a choice in this matter, that i see it or not see it... it was damn tiring and ridiculous through my experience to be waiting for nothing.... i don't even know what this is, so, i just do nothing abt it, and it's really, i don't know.... bad in a way, cos, i don't even know what i feel... hiaz... sianz....

eyes are closing, but not gonna sleep, gonna go play badminton later... yay!!!! haha, hope that i have a nice time later.... oh, and made an online date with mz.... haha, crapz lor, msg me just because he's bored in sch.... haaha, i'm always that avaliable.... so long....

chicken little

hmm, am i self-centred? haha, i think i am... i wld not deny it.... the thing is, i feel i deserve to be sometimes... i need to be free from everything... i'm quite sick of just doing what everybody expects... why can't i change? be myself sometimes... show some attitude... the thing is, i'm tired, sad of not being appreciated and being used as a bin for all the scoldings... it may not mean anything... then why do it? that's kind of silly rite? whatever.... just be myself, that's my ultimate aim... i hope i can achieve that....

went to watch chicken little today... it's not a bad movie.... showing parent-child relationship.... hmm, i like this kind of movies, cos, it's usually very honest in the end, not like the usual kind of parent-child relationship in Asian families... esp. mine... i envy those whose parents love their child wholly and not for the sake of returned investment in the future.... that's kind of difficult, ain't it? brought my cousins there.... 6 of them to be exact... i don't know if it's me or something, i really can't stand kids... yes, i was one in the past.... but they are so naughty, noisy, disobedient... it's kind of hard to bring up one rite? i was very irritated with them... perhaps, i should not be so... will try harder, but it's difficult... i'm known to be fierce to them.... yes, i should relax...

went town with peishan after that... real sorry that i have to sorta abandon her in orchard... sorry dear! it's fun to shop with peishan, cos she can't make up her mind!!! haha.... let's go out soon!

went to cityhall to meet twin sis after that... she introduced me to this dim sum at the food court! it's not bad!!!! quite nice... we then went to buy christmas cards... then headed to starbucks for their christmas peppermint drink... not that bad at all... haha... think i shall not slp so early tonight... oooh, she bought ring watch for me... thanks dear! muacks!

hmm, yoke is so lucky!! went out with 9 jap guys!! haha.... don't fall too hard and forget me, kk!

she showed me a very interesting msn conversation.... well, he's making it obvious? hmm, yoke thinks so... i really have no idea... i'm just letting nature takes it's course... if it's meant to be... God will see to it.... if it's not.... God will have better plans for me.... haha, tt's why i have a nice time this hols... not thinking abt anything....

mapling is fun now!!! meet nice ppl who give me stuff to help me along the way... and my dear, he wanted to give me all his stuff.... that's damn sweet! poor thing, he was bullied... hiaz, sometimes, ppl has to be sensitive online.... not everything is a joke man....

okies, gonna stay at home tmr! will go jogging!!! fat ass!

another sad day

it really sounds bad, i don't want to hate my dad, but sometimes, he doesn't help it much, making me hate him more and more.... perhaps, hate is too strong a word, as i simply don't feel anything towards him, not even hate... just a quiet resignation that things will not change at all, and will stay the way it is... why can't he see that being rude to me? or even ignoring me... throwing his temper at me... is just so childish and stupid, cos, i don't fucking give a damn.... why bother? yes, perhaps, u should ask me why am i not understanding towards him? how long do u want me to understand? i think understanding between 2 ppl, should be based on mutual understanding, he doesn't bother, why should i?

she's your mother, just because i didn't take things to her, changing it to today, where u are free, and u want to find fault with me.... yes, i didn't do things for u, the thing is, i have stuff to do at home, and i don't feel like going out.... and u want to scold me for? for helping u to not visit your mother? go figure.... there's really nothing wrong in visiting my grandma rite? i know.... the thing is, i don't know how to explain it.... hiaz....

the thing is, i'm sick and tired of everything... yes, i use the computer to play games, so what? i like it... i don't play all day and not lift a finger in the household... who are u to say that i don't help/bother or anything... there's no grounds for your argument, ok? so u are losing... life anyway, is not abt winning and losing for me... if you really think that u are winning or whatever by giving me attitude, so be it.... be petty, whatever, hiaz, let u win, kk...

i don't know why, but i feel like getting drunk suddenly, so i went to buy this bicardi thing... haha, of course i know it's not enough to make me drunk, so i bought it for fun.... anyway, getting drunk is not me... now, a bit woozy, heck care lar... just feeling quite down with lots of things....

it's not funny or whatever that i have to talk to u everynight... come and question me for what... yes, perhaps i'm just being picky or whatever... so be it.... i'm not your girlfriend, kk.... sianz....

hiaz....

i am so stupid

i have alot of things to blog abt, first thing first it's abt ppl and maple... i don't expect anyone to have the same ideas as me when i play any game, but i believed in playing fairly... and nice... i have always been well, nice to eveyone online, naive perhaps, i've never expected anyone to scam me... it's not really abt the game that i really really enjoy so much, it's something that i've worked towards, and i'm pissed that i can't do what i want now.... in addition, the items are given to me by my sister and frens, and they are all gone now... it's really the network of ppl that i trust in the game.... aargh!!!! don't ask me how i got scammed, it sounds really stupid.... the thing is, i will not let him play in peace either... u will get your retribution stupid idoit....

the frens are nice... and i'm thankful for them... hiaz.... offer to give me stuff and defame that freak... but what's the point? in a happier note, luckily, this is not real life... i've really learnt my lesson, i'm not gonna trust anyone at all... strangers beware... so stupid of me really

i thought that perhaps we understand each other somewhat... so it's quite disappointing that you don't... so what if we chat for so long? so what? perhaps this may be just a game to u, but it's more to me... yes, i don't wanna come online because i don't really feel like talking to u anymore... it's all the usual stuff and i don't wanna know more... what's the point? u throw alot of stuff at me... i'm not expected to share them with u, k... so just really, i don't know.... hiaz...

glad that u msg me even after i appeared offline... didn't really wanna talk abt it, but glad that u cared.....

damn, i feel so stupid

broke!

hmm, had a pounding headache... haha, but it has disappeared now!! hope it doesn't come back anymore... usually has it when i have insufficient sleep... well, mapling into the twilight hours is not exactly sufficient slp when my mum hollers at me to wake up before 10 in the morning.. it's quite a sad life to have in the hols... well, that's life... it ain't perfect....

hmm, i treated my mum and sis to fish and co today.... hmm, had the seafood platter for the first time today... its seriously not that bad, except that i'm super full!!! haha.... my mum had some stingray thing... which, she said is not that bad... however, we had to wait quite long, which was a downer... hmm... we went OG to shop... and i bought my first dress in, 8 years!! omg, i hope i will wear it man... bought a top too, which i absloutely love it!! kudos to my twin sis man, pointing out so much stuff that i would normally turn a blind eye to...

been trying to find the perfect shoes for me, but i have not found it yet... sianz... i really hope to buy one before school starts... i don't wanna walk barefooted!!!! there's something abt staying at home for too long... i start to think that there's actually very little people in the world, so along orchard, it's too noisy for me... that's why, i think i had the headache... damn, i hate places with many people...

hmm, gonna go maple soon, yes, i do always end off with that... hmm, hope to lvl up by tonight!

aeon flux

went to watch aeon flux today.. charlie theron is damn pretty and cool! her bod is hot!! haha... it's not a bad movie, it's quite confusing though, the storyline... an easier one would be more enjoyable... i enjoyed it, particularly the scientific stuff... it's the usual fluff where the ppl are caught between being clones or being real, living life once... not a bad moral of the story...

been mapling for almost the whole day... didn't realise the time when i maple... mapled until 3 plus last night.... haha, and woke up at 930 today... i was real tired, groggy the whole day... anyway, my fault too, cos, i like to maple if there's ppl to maple with me.... haha... not that boring anyway... think i can stand many hrs without slping, unlike D, cannot make it, went to nap in the noon.... haha... hiaz.... i really hate myself sometimes.... really really do...

quite tired still.... blur in the head... oh, jh did something nice today... i appeared offline cos i've decided to go mapling... wished him goodnight and all... and he msged me telling me he had no chance to say goodbye to me... haha.... first time someone actually wld do that, and u ask me if i'm wondering there's more to it? hmm, don't care ba... so sianz...

teaching piano tmr... also sianz.. haha... okies! back to mapling!

dental app day

went for my dental app today... yay! the doc says there's no relapse!! so the bones did not move!! yay! cos for a while, i was quite afraid that the bones will move.... was quite stressed abt it!

oh, and this medical officer, don't know admin stuff, nurse or doc... but can't be doc ba, look at me when i walked in, and looked at me when i walked out... omg, don't like ppl to look at me... i noticed, cause it's damn obvious... he was even looking at me when i was in the doc's room... mad...

went causeway with my younger sis after that... make me wait for her for more than an hr!! naughty gal! haha... i went to read this book abt the flesh trade at popular... quite sad.... tell more next time.... bought my anastasia cd finally! luv it already!

ok, going to maple now....

chatting online

suddenly just feel like blogging... i was just mentioning to a very sianz yoke, well, ann here is equally sianz too... that, i think being married is actually very boring... so do u whare your life with someone forever? u mean there's so much things to talk abt? u see each other everyday, share ur lives together... and, how to stay in love for long? wouldnt one get bored?

ok, i'm bored... cos, perhaps, u make me think too much, stuff that i don't wanna think abt... future and all... and the more u pull me into your life, the more i wanna get out... i don't know why, and i feel guilty, so i tell u more stuff... and i got a feeling that this is gonna get deeper and deeper... don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to push away a friendship or anything... just that this friendship is happening too fast... by normal standards too... i don't see a need to chat everynight... ok, so when we talk, we get to know abit of the other... so, by now, we should know each other very well? yes, get what i mean, a friendship by this rate is too fast.... perhaps, ppl just have an affinity with one another... but it's too personal, i'm not really comfortable with it... well, i'm usually quite protective of myself... and i hate it when ppl professes to understand u, when actually, they don't at all... aargh!! irritating...

results are coming out... just really hope that i don't do badly...

mz, aargh! irritates me like crazy... haha, but nice to crap with...

cannot maple, damn sianz....

mahjoing first

i went to yusui's house today and play mahjong... aargh!! its my first time playing, and i definitely had beginners' luck... won some games.... hmm, i'm quite slow, not really used to playing... had seen before, but never play.... hope the rest are not irritated by it... quite fun, but perhaps not very good at it, so no inclination to play... lost 8 bucks in chips, which was quite funny... really have beginners' luck... poor hui qi, she hurt her leg, and had much difficulty in walking.... and she's going hongkong... hope that she recovers in time!

went to jack's place for lunch today... quite sucky the service there... waited for quite some time... but there's this nice waiter who is not bad... the student meal is not esp. nice.... but, not bad lar, for cheap food...

hmm, gonna try to stay at home lar... later mum scold and scold... sianz... maple lor...

walking with yoke!

i went out with yoke today!!! we did alot of walking!!! walking and more walking!!! haha, it was fun, chatting along the way... we ate chicken rice, which is not bad.... we made a boo-boo, took the shuttle bus from chinatown and great world city, then to cityhall.... went suntec to find the cup for yoke's grandma but could not find it... yes, i'm a monkey... haha.... we then went to bugis, managed to find her cup there!!! yes, and i've upgraded to an ape!!! haha... it was nice, and i met her brother too... hmm.... nice, nice.... see when we can go cycling!!

my legs are aching now, and i've decided to postpone ironing to tomorrow... haha... cannot make it anymore.... nvm, it's good exercise!!! and yoke, we are really frens. nothing more, hmm, know that you are skeptical abt it... but i can assure u at 100%, nothing will happen between us... yes, i'm that sure.... hope that we can all enjoy our days presiding to our results!!

hiaz, my twin sis has met a damn teacher who is against her... it's very unprofessional of a teacher to be so bias... perhaps, it's not, and that my sis is doing not well, but the thing is, even her frens feel that the teacher is picking on her... what does that say? hiaz, really don't need this kind of shit at year 3....

kind of a boring life i have right now, but i enjoy going out... when i do get out, it's good, so that i will not maple so much, which is bad for the eyes.... thanks for going out with me!! going to yusui's house to play mahjong withn hui qi tmr... haha... maybe i can learn something useful, cny is coming....

going to eat fruits now... i will have fun tmr!

omg, airport, sianz

just came back from expo and the airport... went to the airport in the morning for the arrival of my dad from bahrain... well, it was very early, and i was so pissed at my mum... she woke me up at 730 and expected me to get ready by 8.. come on, i'm not u, how can u base your expectations on me to be ready when u r? at then, she started scolding me... i was so freaking pissed that i did not want to speak to her at all!!!!! then on the way there, she also commented on me, again... whatever.... but then, me being me, i ignored everything, and everything is alright now... sianz... as usual, hiding behind everything... all those thoughts just stuck inside... as usual.... whatever lar...

i think i'm a sad woman... i don't like shopping, i don't hate it but i don't really like it... and when i buy things, i don't usually sift through all the prices for the best bargain, and go all out to find a cheaper one, but rather, if it's expensive, i don't buy, cheap i buy... have, means have, don't have means don't have... haha.... kind of sad, shopping at the john little sale with my mum was boring, cos, i don't really know what to buy... which is sianz... and my legs were quite tired.... haha....

i'm really glad u take the effort to let me know what's going on in your life... it's comforting to know that i can really make another good fren... kind of surprising, to find one in uni... haha... i'm glad for the frens i have now, yoke, hwee min, hui qi, peishan... and my sisters! so, getting to know ppl is a challenge for me, getting closer to someone is another step for me... the point is, i'm glad i dare to walk the path...

that's all, i will lvl up by tonight!

a sunday

have just finished the star awards.... it's quite boring, the show this year... and zoe tay? wow, she really changes my perspective of her.... haha....

ok, kids are irritating, and maple is flooding of them... i can't stand them anymore, and i swear i'm gonna kill this kid if he hounds me again... come on, i'm not ur fren, and i'm 19, not 12.... why must i do so much for u? crazy, u better don't hound me anymore... irritating.... can't stand it... well, probably, i encourage him, helping and answering his questions, well, there's a limit to my patience... too bad...

moped the floor today... i really hate moping the floor, make me so, aargh!! hiaz, whatever lar...

hope my coming week is fruitful...

tired

i hate u for making me think of u again... sux... sux... sux... haha, i'm glad that it's not as bad as the other time... it's a good sign! yay!

went bugis with my twin sis today... it was quite fun! had nice food, prata and fried dumplings... nice ice cream, dark chocolate, which really burned my throat... can't find the shoes i wanna buy, went PS... and still don't have my size.. hiaz, soon, i'll have to go barefooted... haha....

think i'm quite impatient sometimes.... selfish even... well, everyone's everything, only depending on the extent of it... hiaz... life goes on...

i'm very tired, iron clothes from 930 to 11 today at night.. tired, but gonna maple... life is mapling... sad? not really, cos, i do go out too... haha, so long!

a nice day

hmm, i was mapling as usual, when i received a msg... it was from jh, well, and he asked me out to lunch... haha, well, i was surprised, quite surprised, because it was unexpected... if it was the old me, i would have declined, but i accepted, don't really know why i did... haha, so we went to the foodcourt at raffles shopping centre for lunch... i was late, as usual... haha.... hmm.... it was comfortable company, and i felt really at ease... the thing is, i didn't do much talking, i don't really open up myself, until i absolutely trust the other party... well, it's not that i don't trust him, but rather, i'm afraid... he did prompt me to talk, but i did not really want to elaborate... i guess i'm afraid of getting hurt... no matter what, frens or otherwise, the fear is there... probably, because of sec sch... the thing is, if he really do see me in that way, give me time? if not, then, as frens even, i need time... i need time to trust, i'm sorry, but i really do...

went to meet peishan after that!! haha, full of laughs!!! so nice!!! hmm, we sat at starbucks, one of our frequent joints to sit and talk... take care, kk.... it's the hols!! don't think of the bad stuff!!!

after that, we to meet my twin sis at causeway point... we had pasta for dinner!! have not eaten it for long le... haha... it was yummy!!

kk, going to maple le... nitez!

zathura

i went to watch zathura at tampines mall with my twin sis yesterday... hmm, it was an, well, alright movie... i think the director could afford to make it more scary and action-packed though, as it is an action movie... wow, the kids' eyes were beautiful!!! big and speaking... haha.... though i did not really enjoy the show, well, a movie's a movie... so, generally, not bad at all....

came home and maple... as usual... and, i was helping D to transfer stuff between his characters... and, imagine, i spoke to a stranger on the phone for the first time in my life... well, a stranger and yet not a stanger, know what i mean? hiaz, his voice does not match his looks... what a disappointment... haha... crapz... anyway, yupz... and i went mapling with a 12-year old kid today... he's lucky i'm in a good mood, cos, he's quite irritating, asking and asking.... as i said, haha, i was in a good mood....

went for a wedding dinner last night, well, i hate dinners whereby they invite all those important guests... we have to wait for the important guests to arrive, lenghthy introductions by the host, and more waiting for the food... aargh!! a consolation was that my table only has 7 ppl, so can eat alot.. haha....

hiaz... boring life i have...

meeting peishan tmr!! yay!

dental

back from a visit to the dentist... got my retainers... hiaz, thought that i can be free from anything from my mouth, yet, i have to put to plastic things in my mouth again... sianz... have to live with it for another 2 years... aargh!!! why?? it's ok, it's just very troublesome, have to take it in and out... hiaz...

mad i am, nowadays... always singing in the morning... haha, it's a good form of release i guess, otherwise, i'll get mad one day, solving all the issues that i have in me... sometimes, i think it's better we don't have to think abt things, make all of us miserable for nothing.... hiaz... live in my own world, yeah, isn't it better? haha, no hatred, no sadness, no quarrels, nothing... but inner peace... it's not difficult to achieve that, and i have not yet... hopefully, all of us can achieve it one day...

maple is up and running, but pretty screwed... hope that all will be well at night.... yupz, going off soon le... hiaz, almost everyone online is down... and they have to tell me... sigh, now, i have to think of ways to cheer them up... ok lar, that's me... kk, going off to bathe le...

oh, yar, yoke's back!!! no more boring online chats le... well, i'm bias lar, jia ying is pretty nice to talk to, cos we are mapling... crapz... can go out le!! unless, she's gonna abandon me soon, and go off... haha...

going for a wedding dinner tomorrow.. hope my twin sis goes with me, otherwise it'll be boring, with uncles and aunties, which i have nothing to say to them... not being arrogant or anything, just factual... haha... i need to bathe now...

stupid issue

i'm getting sick of chatting with u online... seriously, getting v sick... yeah, so, i'm gonna avoid u like a plague... whatever lar... come on, when u ask a question, and i evade, that means i don't wanna give u the answer... and u have to "force" it out of me... how dumb can u be? yeah, and it's getting irritating... so, i'm gonna ignore u... simple as that... it's a simple case of human communication... ignorance will be given to u if u give it back to the person... so there!

hiaz, maple is undergoing this expansion thing.... sianz... i hope we don't have to download another patch... it's kind of sucky, time consuming to download it... anyway, they are gonna take one whole day to "expand", so no maple for a day... gonna start watching tv then!!! hiaz, spending too much time in front of the computer is a bad thing... need to go out, get some life... it's kind of frustrating how life at home becomes too comfortable, in the sense that one will not feel like going out at all.. yea, like a big fat couch potato... and i haven start running yet... hiaz....

i really don't know what to say abt this... except that, i remember my aunty told me abt hatred, and that it's not good to have this vengence in one person... she was saying that she changed alot, that she is not taking things for granted at all... yea, i don't know what u r doing... punishing me? ironic isn't it? why do ppl like to have this vendetta in them? the point in me saying this is, let go... yea, let go, u be a better person... don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that u r not a good person, just that u'll truly feel better inside... hiaz... this issue has been ongoing for the past few years... i believe co-existence is possible... let it go...

hiaz... it really takes 2 hands to clap isn't it? anything that happens, it's really the fault of both? either we don't understand each other, or the simple truth that we don't talk abt things? either way, i don't like one to be presumptous, passing judgment on others... i believe that only God can pass on His judgement to us... so, isn't it rather myopic and ridiculous? i mean, who are u to judge? anyway, that's just me... the world will be so much better, without one trying to judge another, without one imposing their will on others, where one will consider others... yea, trying to be profound, perhaps, not succeeding, just that, that's really what i think... internal peace, it's not easy to achieve... hope everyone can have it...

making the first move as usual... no reprociation from the other side as usual... life goes on... there's much more important things in life, yar? then this? yupz! see how... that's what i do anyway....

life goes on!!

not a very nice day

1. empathy
2. respect for others
3. don't take things for granted

2 main themes of my entry today.... it takes one who have shown it to be able to say it... whatever, it's been happening many times, guess that i would not change in either the short or long run...

went town today with my sis... well, i was dressed rather... ahem... feel abit out of place in town... have this feeling of wanting to run away... and my shoes were wrong, my legs were hurting like shit... well, it's alright... everything is alright in the end...

i'm not a nice person... haha... yes, i'm a hypocrite... who isn't? it takes one to admit that they are... esp, if another keeps calling u one... well, i don't mind... that's the way i am... yeah, i deserve everything that happens to me, know rite, what i do to others, will eventually haunt me in the end... karma... then, the question, why don't i change? u can say i'm looking towards the light of inspiration, that someday, somehow, someone will understand why i choose to do this... why am i like this... why do i behave this way... why i like/dislike this... it's not easy, i know... and the thing is, why do i also get others, then they don't get me... it's infuriating... yes, partly my fault, i don't share readily... hiaz... life's so confusing... aargh!!

trying to maple... why why why!!!!

aargh!!!! maple!!!!

damn maple!!! i've been trying to download, and all it does is to cancel out on me... disconnect like nobody's shit... my temper's real frayed... aargh!!! i just want to maple, why is that so difficult?? shit man... aargh!!!!!!!

ok, that's all the update i have... please, let this method work...

grandma's bday lunch

went for my maternal grandma's bday lunch today... it's an international buffet lunch, where there are many different types of foods!!! fondue.... oysters.... mmm.... many many more... haha, really ate my fill!!!! even though the day did not start out well, minor spat by a petty woman, the lunch went on well...

went shopping with my aunties and cousins after that... even though i did not feel like shopping... it's because my cousins are coming along with us.... kids being kids, when they are together, there's no discipline at all, noisy and very hard to care for... i was very irritated, and will start scolding ppl.... resulting in my bad mood... hiaz, how am i gonna discipline and care for my kids if i do have any... i don't even feel like disciplining them... what if they turn out not well? haha, thinking too far? yeah... nothing to do, so will think alot... it also sorta deters me from wanting to start a family, if i have the fortune... i mean, caring for another human being, it's seriously very difficult, there's many things i can't do, freedom will be restricted... haha, thinking much too much... haha....

didn't bought anything today... planned not to anyway.... hiaz, abt to fall asleep, can't maple, because i can't download!!! and the stupid connection keeps breaking!! pls, don't do this to me!! have me download in peace!!!!

harry potter: the goblet of fire

went to watch harry potter today!!! omg!!! cedric is so shuai!!! seriously, but he's abit skinny... haha.... think this show is not bad, the effects are damn nice!! but it's a bit long.... perhaps, not used to seeing such long shows in a long time... so, it's a little draggy for me... a little too much focus on harry though.... i prefer more details, even if it's 2 movies, esp rita skeeter and transfiguration, not much of it.... hiaz.... quite a pity... emma watson is damn pretty!!! haha, i can't wait for the next one!!!

hmm... waiting for maple to download... hopefully, it doesn't screw up on me.... hiaz, thought that i can lvl up by tonight.... oh, and i played solitaire with jh... haha.... at least, i can win... quite funny... cos, he's quite intense.... i think.... anyway, nothing to do, means doing rubbish things... haha....

i hate childish ppl... perhaps, the word childish has to be redefined... well, it's in my own dictionary... hiaz... go figure....

having buffet lunch tmr!! hope nothing goes wrong!! good luck to us!!

just like heaven

22/11/05
went to watch just like heaven today!!! omg, i can't make it!! really love these romantic comedies!!! it's abt this doc, who died, on the way to meet her blind date... her name's elizabeth... then, this guy, his name is david, rented her apartment... apparently, his wife died 2 years ago.... elizabeth is sort of trapped in the time zone, as she's in a coma, only david can hear and see her... they set out on a quest to find elizabeth's true identity... in the process, they fell in love and helped themselves...

23/11/05
as u can see from the date, i was trying to blog... but was caught up in mapling.... anyway, the show is so sweet!!! and romantic!!!!! haha, my pathetic life actually thinks such shows are nice... don't care, really like this can of shows... it gives me a unrealistic picture of love, which in my opinion is good!!! at least i can have nice day dreams....

anyway, i'm gonna go watch harry potter later.... mapling right now, as usual... i removed my braces yesterday!!!! my teeth looks a little fake though... haha... it feels strange without my braces, but i shall have to get used to it... yay!!! after so long... finally!!!!

hmm, i don't know why i always think that we are experiencing is very minor and unimportant, compared to what is happening around the world, like starvation, nuclear crisis... so, whenever there's family quarrels, like within my aunts and all, i think it's very childish and stupid... in the end, we youngsters have to solve it, because they ask us too... in addition, whatever that goes wrong, it's our fault again... sianz... so, i seldom feel nor care much, because it's really childish, stupid and mindless... similarly, when my parents scold me for stupid reasons, or blow up, i don't even bother... come on, i make a mistake, i get it, scold for what? i don't get angry easily... good or bad? haha, i guess it takes a lot for me to feel then... i mean, it's really stupid to get angry over things that don't matter at all... i think i should feel more... but i don't really want to, because, in the end, my opinions don't even matter and i'll get hurt... so, in a nutshell, why bother? haha, heck le....

going to maple now... yay!

monday lights!!!!!

something went wrong with my keyboard yesterday!!! all the letters came out as words... i was renedered helpless, i can't login to maple, and all the other things!!! aargh!!! i was quite desperate.... after an hour or so, i remembered suddenly what i've done in IT class... i went to restore the system... haha... that worked!! yay!!! ok, dumb...

news update: i got married!! haha, crap... in maple land.... my dear is a jap guy.... full of crap too... haha, at least it beats boring lone training... yeah, oh, i found an aqua surfboard!! limited collection!!! yay! first time that i went to find something for a collection, i actually found it!! gonna help my sis to find... hiaz... so many people looking for surfboards... it's boring... nevertheless, i shall try!!!

life's pretty good now.... gonna go out soon... so that my online activities will be greatly reduced... don't wanna stay at home for too long, because it will become a bad habit... which will cause me to hate going out.... well, it's not that good, because it will take a lot to drag me out... hermit crab rite? haha....

the whether suxs... always gloomy and loomy... it sorta dampens my mood for jogging... speaking of jogging, i'm gonna start soon!!! wish me luck!!!!

quite a crappy entry... well, will write more when the mood arrives... it's off to mapling now!!!

a boring saturday

back from piano teaching... hmm, my two new students, well, the eldest one, i don't know whether is it the kids of the current... they are quite full of themselves, which is a little irritating, and i'm not sure what to teach, cos, i've not seen the pieces yet... aargh!! a little pai seh, then teach scales, which is boring and irritating... haha.... grade 5 and grade 3, a little intimidating, hope that i can manage... and the kid that i was bitching abt the other time? well, i think if it's under any other circumstances, we would have been best buds... haha, he's a really cute boy and all, just no interest in piano...

i've finished harry potter!!! all the hoo-har, it's seriously, quite a boring book in my opinion, nothing new added.... just going-ons abt voldemort, without any new insights... and who wants to know more abt the romances? which is so little... i mean, it's obviously a fantasy book, thus, why not have more adventures.... half-blood prince? haha... quite funny... anyway, glad that i got the chance to read the book.... yay!!

hiaz, don't even know what's wrong with me? keep seeing couples around me... sianz... don't get me wrong... i don't even find them revolting... just that, all the sweetness and such, erm, i couldn't help but wonder where does all that goes when the couple fights? or quarrels? haha, the morbid me as usual... nah, just old sourpuss making a lame dig at happy ppl...

haha, i'm happy right now, sorta, if u count mapling all day... i really have nothing much to do... kind of boring... anyway, it's the life that i don't mind at all... playing the piano, on the computer... life is good! but brain is not moving... haha... perhaps, should have some intellectual bloggings... yeah, might just do that in the next entry...

going mapling le... what's new? haha... hope everyone out there enjoys life!

no one else comes close

hiaz... i have to teach piano tomorrow... it's not particulary attractive for me, because i just feel like slacking at home... haha, even though i have some income... sianz... an maple is becoming a bore... yes, i guess too much is just too much... usually, people love it when they can't get what they want.... like me, during the exams, i can't maple, so i welcome it... now they u have the luxury, u just don't treasure it at all... haha.. that's life isn't it...

are guys ego?? think so, they are more ego than gals ba... perhaps, it's cos i don't particularly interact with guys, don't really know them... haha... it's been a real eye-opener, u can say that... i really hope to find someone who really understands me... now, hmm, don't think it's the right time, anyway, there's no one either... the point i'm making is that, i hope all the gals out there can find a guy who really loves them for who they are... perhaps it's the NTU culture, that guys are like that? haha... (humourless laugh) whatever.... don't really bother le...

gal power!! all the way!!!

the exorcism of emily rose

i guess when u have been hit by alot of things... u be numb to many things.... my fren says that i'm too concerned... hmm, maybe, maybe not? it doesn't matter, i'm just gonna do abt my own things... and see how ba...

hmm, am gonna talk abt the exorcism of emily rose... k, firstly, it freaked me out... i don't usually watch movies to do with horror... cos it's all fake mah... the thing is, for this show, it's based on a real story, so, it has a huge impact on me, particularly to do with Christainty...

ok, here goes... it's abt this gal, emily rose who was possessed by the devil... however, to the medical field, she is deemed as being psycotic epilepsy.... nevertheless, her priest and her family, including herself believes her to be possessed by the demons... when she was possessed by the devil, she eats spiders, scratch the walls, do jumping jacks... it's real freaky... and when her body contorts, and the eyes, omg, it's just unbearable to look at...

what do i believe? i believe inGOD... and from the story, it seems that GOD wants her to tell the world that the spiritual realm actually exists.. hmm, it woke me up, sorta, that this actually happens...

hmm, i can't slp last night.. cos, i kept thinking abt the story... it freaked me out, yeeks!! haha... hope i can slp better...

oh, yar, him... haha... think that we will be good frens lar... yupz, that's it...

going mapling now...

accpetance

perhaps, my family is just not meant to live in harmony... after so much things, i've come to accept it... i'm suppose to understand everyone... yes, I'M SUPPOSE TO UNDERSTAND EVERYONE.... nobody chooses to understand me.... why did it take me so long to get it? but does it matter, when the other party doesn't care? why do i shed so many tears? hiaz... she still thinks it's my fault... i really don't blame her... cos, i still think it's her fault that we don't get to talk... she thinks it's OK for me, that i don't think abt it? hmm... just that, we don't know each other ba... i am always the one trying... and i'm tired already... everytime, when there's a quarrel, i take the first step...

this time, i'm not even involved, i took the first step... with wide open arms... she shut the door in my face... i guess, everyone has their own limits... perhaps, i never get to understand her... well, i do... this may be presumptous, but i do... hmm, she chooses to think i don't... i don't blame her... people don't like to be understood.... i thought that all these while, it meant something... but it don't to her... i know it does, but she say doesn't, so i have to respect her wishes... the thing is, i've made this decision in my mind... won't say it out here, but i have already...

everything in life has to come to a closure... i will do what i want to do.... i'm a simple person... i yearn for simple things... i don't ask alot... i've accpeted that this is what God wants me to experience... he has his reasons... as long as i'm doing things within my conscious, i'll be fine.... perhaps, i'm just not meant to be understood... it's ok... i've accept things the way they are... it's ok... to lose a sister is painful, but i will always respect the other wishes... yes, i've hurt her, but she has hurt me too... i've open my doors, she has closed hers... i've really tried... i did...

yes, i've accepted it God... i'm meant to understand ppl, not the other way round... it's ok, i know and understand.... perhaps, the one mistake when i was young is back to haunt me, yes.... i know, it's called retribution.... i've accepted it....

help me please

i'm troubled again... let me talk abt something first... yes, my younger sister... we've been getting along fine.... and the thing is, i'm careful abt being neutral, i don't want to spoil things... yes, since young, we have not been on good terms.... the thing is, i was young, we all are... and i feel that she's at fault, that's why, i did not talk to her for a long long time.... i can guess that she feels it's my fault too... well, i've been trying to make amends now... and i thought, we both have grown up, to be able to think rationally, but i was wrong... all that i've been trying to do was to be in the middle...

what's so wrong to be in the middle? there's nothing wrong, but alot of trouble... in the end, all the heart-pain is felt by the one in the middle.... and who cares in the end? the parties at the other end will just heck-care everything.... and what is ended up? me being screwed... most of the time, i don't mind doing more, if we can just live harmoniously... yes, that's a really ambitious thought rite? even if it's not possible, just let me love both? they are my sisters, i can't choose between either... can't they understand? i'm trying to be neutral... and i'm the one hurting.... i'm already trying, when is it that in the end, i'm the one at fault? so i'm gonna get screwed?

it's easy to say, just don't care abt everything... try living in my shoes..... i can't complain nor choose where i was born, but i believe i can make the best out of it.... please, i don't want to keep on crying.... please... help me....

over!

today's my last paper!!!! i should be v happy or relieved... the thing is, my feeling is the same as when i have no exams at all? or rather, i know that the cycle will begin again, once the hols are over... sianz... i should look on the brighter side rite? i know, the thing is, i'm feeling alot of emptiness inside me... dunno why.... just don't want to feel too much, i guess.... aargh!!!!!!

econs, i really hope i get a decent grade, despite being blur over some questions... please, let me get at least 2As, even though, my studying is quite shit...

hiaz... over le, don't really wanna talk abt it...

went with yoke all over school today, trying to get the application for the exchange program done in NUS... hiaz, then we discover we have to get the particular module approved and not just anything... it's rather sianz.... we shall see lar...

hmm.... gonna go maple le... yay!

last paper tmr!

yes, i'm actually blogging abt 12 hrs piror to my econs paper tmr... i really hope i don't do badly, even if i do, i really deserve it.... nothing seems to go in, not by the fault of anyone but myself ba... can't seem to concentrate... reading and not absorbing anything... it's really bad... i should put in more effort, but i have no motivation... that's a poor excuse for anything, since i have not even touch my notes properly... hope that i can finish everything by tonight and touch it one more time tmr... aargh!!

i have lots of things to blog abt yesterday, but then, after that incident, i was quite disturbed... aargh!! so, i have sorta forgotten to blog... in addition, i was sorta bombarded with questions when i came online, so lost the mood le... haha, it's not really important... i also don't know why i wanna come online... the main reason is to talk to yoke, other than that, online has lost it's meaning for me....

was reading this article in the newpaper abt this teacher blogger who was blasted for her blog... she accidentally forgot hide her identity as her blog was the "hot" kind.... i still stand by my opinion that my blog is for all to read, yes, and i do make my identity quite obvious... from now on, not gonna put any other names, as it may be used against mine... yes, i have blog abt many personal stuff, stuff that others may see... i don't mind, as i have made the decision long again... and that, if they do want to read and know how i feel, good for them... it's my blog, and i really do not mind if others do want to see it.... i'm not an exhibitionist... and the people who knows me know it... so, other than that, i don't really care abt strangers reading my blog...

hmm... abt him, yes... i have not seen him for a long time, yes, and i do dread seeing him.... i'm afraid that what i have sufficiently subdued my appear again.... yes, i know i'm quite bad, in the sense that, i got a feeling he thinks i like him... well, whatever, i am not bothering anymore... just that, well, i can send really personal msgs too.... heck care... yes, i don't wanna come online and chat with him anymore, tmr it's the last time, chat with yoke before she leaves... hiaz... the whole thing is really quite stupid and in a mess... well, i created this problem and i'm gonna solve this problem too.... it's really infruating to like someone, well, i do admit, i have developed a good and strong feeling towards him.. yeah, and i can stop it...

perhaps, that is why i have not be feeling anything for all my papers... cos, i'm not trying to feel anything... is that good or bad? got a feeling that i'm entering my unfeeling mode... don't really want it, but it's coming and i can't stop it... haiz...

good luck to me for econs paper, i really need it!

hiaz

yupz... my twin sis is angry with me... i don't blame her.... yupz, my younger sis called me that b4, and i was furious with her too... hiaz, what a mess.... and the thing is, i'm not allowed to get angry when my msgs has been looked into? hiaz.... i don't really wanna bother abt it anymore.... yeah, everyone's pissed.... why shld we dwell into it so much? i have long since to care, cos, i've been crying over everyone in my family before... that is not tantamount to anything, and i know it.... i have alot of burdens in me, and i can't share it with anyone, cos, i've tried before... anyway, i'm used to it... so, it's really ok...

once again, i'm really sorry.... take care all... good luck for my biz law tmr....

my steely resolve will win

hiaz, i've forgotten what i wanted to type le.... had typed something yesterday, somehow it had gotten erased.... hmm, nvm... it's ok... haha....

i mpale till abt 2 last night.... it was w my fav party leader, magteo!!! haha... he was very nice, waiting for me to finish the other party and for me to fold clothes... haha... it was a very efficient PQ session, we kept getting in without having to wait!! cool!! i've lvled up le... hiaz... no more PQing for me.... got a feeling he's getting too nice... dunno, don't really wanna think too much... well, at least he kept asking me if i have a paper tmr... well, nice guy... think he was quite shocked when i asked him for his msn... well, so that it's easier to find him to train mah... took quite a bit to reply.... dotz... hiaz.... whatever lar.... maple, it's a place with nice guys..... actually, got more stuff to say, well his niceness... but then, don't think anyone wld understand what maple is... haha... so there....

hmm.... actually, i didn't want to come online last night... wanted to send the biz law to yoke by email... haha, but she msged me, so i came and talk to her... hmm, he took quite a long time to approach me.... the thing is, it's getting a bit too stuffy for me.... i really need to breathe.... and i don't have a habit of coming online, just appearing offline... and i'm gonna revert back to my old habit... let me live in the virtual world of maple... seriously, i don't mind at all... the reality is quite hard to grasp and understand... let me live in my 2D character.... it's better.... well, yar, i can't lie to myself either rite?

ok, seriously, i don't understand why u have to talk to me everynight? it's, i don't know... yeah, u ask abt me, which was quite unexpected of u... hmm, but i really don't wanna go down the path of torturing myself with questions of ur motives and what-nots.... so, yar, fine... anyway, not coming online anymore, so, i don't have to guess, and think.... yar, it's better this way.... well, even if there's something, it's too late le... i don't wanna go through this anymore... once it's enough... yar, so, from now on, we lead separate lives..... it's the hols too... all the better.... well, perhaps, all of u might think i'm mad, for having such thoughts.... well, if a guy keeps talking to u everytime u come online, and acts as though it's his right to talk to u, and for u to reply, u will be wondering what's wrong too.... perhaps, i've been replying, tt's why.... but the thing is, i can't not not reply... get it? whatever.... i'm stubborn, and my steely resolve will win....

i'm gonna stop lying to myself too... all my papers are crap, and i know it... and i still have dreams to get A? hiaz... i have no expectations... whatever... just that i'm suppose to be studying for econs right now.... IT, hmm.... don't even know if my last question is right or not... but i've done my best.... hopefully, it's not as bad as it is... yeah, gonna mug hard now, so that when i maple, i don't feel too much guilt...

hmm.... really, last time i'm gonna talk abt u.... my determination will win over....

ricky martin & christina aguilera - nobody wants to be lonely
Ricky:Why, why, why

Christina:Oh ooh ohh

Ricky:There you are, in a darkened room
And you're all alone, looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows

Christina:In the shadows

Ricky:Come to come, come to me

Both:Can't you see that
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body's longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (ooh ohh yeah), why (oh why), why

Christina:Ooh ooh, yeah
Can you hear my voice, do you hear my song
It's a seranade, so your heart can find me, ohh
And suddenly you're flying down the stairs
Into my arms, baby, ohh

Ricky:Before I start going crazy

Christina:Going crazy, ohh

Ricky:Run to me

Christina:Run to me

Both:Cause I'm dying...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (I don't wanna cry)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why

Christina:Why, why don't you let me love you

Ricky:I wanna feel you need me

Christina:Feel you need me

Ricky:Just like the air you're breathing

Christina:Breathing, I need you here in my life

Both:Don't walk away, don't walk away
Don't walk alway, don't walk away
No, no, no, no...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry...yeah yeah
Nobody wants to be lonely (yeah ohh ooh)
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry)
My body's longing to hold you (is longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (hurts inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)

Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Let me love you...

Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry...)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (so hurt inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life

Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (why), let me love you
Why don't you let me love you
Why, love you, let me love you
Why (why)

sianz

i'm acutally mapling admist my studying of IT... and if i do badly, it'll be nobody's fault but mine... guess what, maple is having a server maintainence now, so it seems that i really have to study... the thing is, i don't even know what i'm studying.... do i memorise? or do i just read through? looking at the past year papers, it seems like there's nothing much to memorise, in the sense that what u study, u can't apply... it's rather what u know... perhaps, that is why i'm so distracted... hiaz.... gonna study now

feel like playing the piano now... i know there's no link... but just feel like playing it now... sianz... i really have to study... i have not even finished half the book....

hmm, coming online now is rather scary for me... cos, i wanna chat with ppl, yet i don't wanna chat with u... cos, i don't even know what u want from me... i know, nothing is the answer, and the only answer.. it's not bad, i mean, i don't even mind... the thing is, i can't help but be troubled... it's really unfair... always talk abt ur life... i mean, frens do communicate and share right? so, i'm not being paranoid, i just can't stand talking to egos anymore, particularly egos like u... yes, i wanna avoid u by not coming online... but the thing is, i wanna chat with others too... yeah, ignore u online... tt's cool... but the thing is, i can't ignore ppl lar... it's difficult... so, i have to learn... hiaz... sianz.... this kind of shit thing...

exams will be over soon! yay!

OB is over!

i'm sick! hiaz... think my sis pass it to me... bad flu, with a weird feeling in my throat... hiaz... quite bad, as my eyes are teary, so when i wipe it, it hurts... hmm... i hope i get better by tmr... cos, i really have no mood to study right now... when i look at the book.... it blurs a little.... and my nose... aargh!! u get the picture... haha...

OB was quite bad today.... i really regretted doing that stupid qn 2, o/w i most prob cld have finish the paper... quite sad lar, don't even have time to attempt the question.... it seems like everyone is experiencing the same thing... so hopefully, i don't do that badly... it's really over le... good!

dunno why, i feel numb abt most papers... i know i shld feel sad, down, anything... the thing is, i don't feel a thing.... was talking to yoke on the train abt the paper... i feel like i'm watching myself talk abt the paper... it's quite sad in the sense that i don't feel a thing.... is it because i didn't study enough or? i know that i want to do well for the paper... i really hope i can get an A, but still don't wanna feel for it... perhaps, it makes it more real....

have u ever wonder what sort of persona u wanna portray wherever u go? dunno whether persona is the right word... forgot what i learnt in lit le... anyway, sometimes, for the sake of having a conversation, i would just talk of something again and again... and that even though, i know that i'm not that kind of person, i would talk the same thing to the person again and again... weird huh? it's funny yet i don't really know.... i really don't wanna be that kind of person yet i am... and online, it's hard to discern the real u and the unreal u... appearance vs reality... why does that sound so real? and farmiliar...

yeah, he's been appraoching me everytime he comes online... it's becoming a permanent thing... nothing wrong with that? i am not sure too... see how it goes lar... i mean, i don't even approach u... and it's getting clingy and i feel used in a way, as in we are not that close... why must i always chat with u? k, perhaps, i'm reading too much into it... so, see how... it's just, i don't like the feeling of being used....

that's all... pls take care everyone...

Waterfall


?? Which Natural Wonder Or Disaster Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

food for thought

suddenly, i feel like blogging... has been resisting the temptation to blog, because i don't wanna talk abt u.... was reading my frens' blog, and suddenly got the inspiration to blog... told myself that i wld not come online, because, i really need to study!! and i hope i can study finish, and if i don't, it'll really be my fault and no one....

i guess many of us thrive on being different.... i'm no exception... the thing is, does it matter that much? i have stopped thinking of being different for a long time, perhaps, sub-consciously, it's always there... it suddenly popped out to me, that some ppl are trying to be different purposely.... hmm, there's nothing wrong, i guess, it makes ppl unique... the point is, does it matter now? as in, being different? it gives us and edge over others.... but the thing is, why must everyone strive to make a difference that is really not meaningful at all... i'm just trying to say, i want to make a meaningful difference in ppl's life, because, i'm too self-absorbed in mine..... i have no direction yet... but i will find it soon...

hmm... sometimes, i refuse to believe all of us are really different in the society that we live in... because, we are all human beings.... that's a stupid thought, and i know it... hiaz.... all of us indulfe in self-pity, it only depends on the degree of it.... i used to do that, and it saddens me most of the time... as in, i derive pleasure in a morbid way... nah, i'm not trying to say that we shld not self-pity, it's just my point of view... i have stopped doing that for quite some time too... perhaps, due to the lesser stress environment i have now... is it good?

yoke says i delude myself... i don't deny it.... hmm.... i have done that many times, it numbs me, because i don't have to feel.... i forced myself to feel this way, mainly because of frenships in sch... and now, family... the thing is, it's more difficult to do that now... cos, i don't even know whether u know it or not... sometimes, ur words really hurt me, and i find it hard to be honest with u sometimes.... i know that i have nothing to hide, and i know that our frenship can withstand it, but sometimes, it's really difficult, because i have to strike a balance between appearing too self-absorbing.... and i don't want to... because, i want to be there for u too.... hmm.... this has been eating inside me for a long time, and i don't confront it because i don't want to feel the hurt...

yes, deluding can lessen the hurt in some ways.... that's why i choose to do it... by not caring about a lot of things, u can really lead a better life? that's not good, but perhaps, it's just my way of coping with things...

yes, when i don't come online, its because i want to see whether i am truly into u or not... i guess, by deluding myself, i can numb the feelings considerably... yes, u r the one who always approach me, because, i don't want to be seen as a kpo perosn... the thing is, i'm not... and i still stand by my stand that u r an ego-manic.... i mean, u r always talking abt urself, and i see that as a means to amuse myself then.... but then, i can't help but be touched in a way that u actually remember to share something with me, tt is a week ago... yes, i'm touched that easily... the thing is, i don't want to feel that much.... and it's helping me when u started to think i'm a KPO... sad to say, i really have to thank u for that.... yes, good luck to me... soon, u will be nothing but dust....

hiaz, i hafta to go back and mug le.... i hope that i really can get an A for OBD... i will!!!! try my best!!!!

Cocktail

?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by

You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

pissed

here i am again.... yeah... i'm gonna scold ppl now... so right, if anyone who can't take it, don't read on... muhaha....

yeah, was chatting with him yesterday... and the thing is, he was the one who initiated the conversation... so, i answer lor... then, he started telling me abt his stuff... so, i replied... and after that, we somehow were talking abt unrequited affections... and he has to ask me what that means... so, of course, naturally, i just ask rite... the thing is, when u r having a msn chat with someone, and he initiates the conversation, the natural thing is to chat rite... so, he started telling me abt his unrequited affections with this gal... so, i just ask along... and he was like, wah, u best arh, know so much stuff abt me... i'm like, come on... i did not use a fucking gun at ur head.... to ask u to tell me... u are the one who answered mah... there's frens, closer than u... who can actually tell me if they don't wanna talk abt it... and u have the cheek to say that i'm kpo... ask a lot of questions... wtf, go get a life... egoistic-manic... come on, u r the one who wants to chat, so i just ask... and i'm kpo.... yar, i so much want to know abt ur pathetic life... and u say it's a good investment for a frenship... fuck off alright....

yeah, i'm pissed... yeah... u are not like my super close frens... and i do actually know what guys and gals chat online when they don't fucking mean a single thing to one another... u have crossed the boundary.... perhaps, tt's not ur intention... the thing is, i don't care.... just that, don't expect me to cater to u whenever u come online... wtf, i'm not even remotely that close to u.... go and get a life..... whatever... and don't start pouring me with ur stories.... my ears need a clean wash.... get a life

and the thing is, revenge is so sweet... 2 can play the game... muhahah

him again

yeah... i'm supposed to be mugging for my econs.... but i fell asleep... haha.... it's quite funny actually, i was already so on le... but then.... i just fell asleep....

i had fun mapling last night!!! was doing party quests with this grp of 3 frens... they were NTU graduates.... think from NBS too... they were pretty funny.... didn't know they were frens initially, until, yar, when we started chatting.... they were like, the ages of us added together could get us our CPF $$$.... perhaps, it was the fact that i was the highest lvl one... can dictate them mah... cos, they were like quite blur.... anyway, it was one of the nicest and funniest PQ i ever had.... never had such an enjoyable time!!! the leader was like, hey zaney, nice time PQing with u... i'm like, same same....!!! i PQed until 2am... hiaz... didn't take note of the time.... hopefully, can meet them again....

well, online games can numb me in the sense that i can forget abt a lot of things at that point in time... it's a nice break from the realities i have to face.... yeah, him.... i think i know perfectly when the boundaries are crossed... u don't send me that kind of msg and act as though nothing has happened... alright, say that i'm reading too much into it.... then, aren't u taking me for granted... that i can put up with anything that u give me.... most of it ambiguity.... well, let's say that there is really nothing going on between us... and that we are frens.... then, i can very safely say that for members of the opp sex, esp. frens, we are not that close for u to send me such a msg.... i am rational.... i'm not creating something out of nothing...

yeah.... u went to watch tv, after i've given u the biz law model ans... wtf.... i can't help but think that u r making use of me.... whatever.... alright, u r not, and i just shld not get angry, because, it's unfair for me to place any expectations on u... fine, i'm not... and the thing is, u shld not.... fine... i find it discerning that u r tracking my movement online... that disturbs me... really, it does... ok, so i'm suppose to say like, yar, frens, yar, they are like, wah, u don't come online.... i mean, yoke and i don't do that....??!! hello?? i'm pissed, because i'm starting to feel that i'm being made used of.... perhaps, if i go along this line, it's easier to pretend that u r just a regular guy who is paranoid of the competition that i might pose to u.... hiaz... whatever lar.... i just want to get on with my life.... i don't want another mz situation... i can't take it... frens, yar, tt's really easy... just act like it.... thank you....

hmm.... going back to studying le.... good luck to me... mugging at sch tmr~~!! yay!!!!

1st paper!

i just had my first paper... boy, was it exciting... my right hand has been under utilised for so long... had never written for 2.5 hrs straight for a long time... the last time was during the "A"s... haha... hmm.... i know how much i had studied lar... so, i know what i know and what i don't.... the thing is, i didn't finish one question.... didn't plan my time very well.... by the looks of it, so many people left the hall so early, i hope the standard is such that i can get an A.... i can pray lar... hope... but the thing is, i'm realistic... i know that a B is possible... anything higher, it's kindness on his part ba....

glad for yoke!! hope she gets and A!!!

hmm... he msged me.... i'm happy yet cautious lar... i don't really know the meaning of anything.... just that perhaps, there's no meaning at all.... so, should not think so much....

gonna maple now... gonna be an assassin soon!! yay!!

PA tomorrow... good luck... to me...

seriously, i think i'm going paranoid.... i need to talk to someone who is calm right now, and i guess, it's not easy to find someone going through what i am going through and remain calm... cos, i have so many things like not studied yet... not really, or rather, i seem to have forgotten what i have studied the days before... that is really sucky... and the thing is i seem to have mixed up the things i've memorised... i don't know which is worse... study so much, only to be mixed up or forgotten or not study at all...

i guess the answer is starring right into my face.... better to have study...

hiaz.... whatever lar... it's just that i don't wanna do badly for this paper... of course, i wanna get an A, at the worse, a B, i dun want a C.... aargh!!!!! i should have study earlier, and it's too late for regrets, so i'm not gonna regret anything... just that i hope i do still remember and not mix up what i have studied.... help!!

and i have never come online for so many times during the exam period... this is real bad... cos, it's a habit for me now to come online.... help!!!!! hiaz... back to studying ... i wanna finish everything by tonight, so that i can revise tmr!!!!

jia you everyone! and that, yoke, relax... i know u know that u have done ur best le... ignore external factors... just ignore them!!!

thank you God

after talking to God, i feel much better... the decision ultimately will be in God's hand, and i trust that He will make the best decision for me....

it helped me boundless...

i'm not trying to create something out of nothing, but it is really affecting me.... i'm better now...

thank you God...

good luck in my studies.... i really need it....

women power!

i wanted to blog abt this, but the i have forgotten.... haha, so here i am now... okok.... it's abt this newspaper article that i saw on the sunday times... it says that women are such weaklings when it comes men.... we can stand it when the boss is nasty to us, we can make it by working late... u get the gist... but when it comes to matters of the heart, women just give it to the men willingly, and they become irrational...

when i read the article, i was like, so apt... hmm... k! superwoman at work... we don't need men! yay!!

kk, going le... cya...

i need to get a grip on reality

have been studying today... and the thing is, i thing i've accoplished quite a bit, although, there's more to be done... aargh! i hope exams can be over soon... i feel very sianz over it...

i've said i'm not gonna blog abt him, and i'm not gonna to...

this is a song that i feel it's v apt now... love to play it on the piano.... here goes

daniel bedingfield - if you're not the one

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I

my sis says that something's bugging me, cos, i'm odd today... she's right, something's bugging me real bad...