hmm, today was a fun day, playing mahjong for the whole day. haiz, lost money... haha. it's all in the fun of new year.... was quite glad that i do have the chance to just relax for the whole day. the hols are here and it's quite scary how much work i have to do. getting rather panicky right now, trying to be more hardworking, spending lesser time online, studying with frens.... haha, hopefully, i will not do badly for final exams, which, for all my subjects, i have been rather lagging... sigh.... seems like lots to do... i will do it! =) haha...

i hate egoistic guys.... hmm, maybe i'm really that terrible or dumb, well, it gets kind of irritating if the members in your group starts to ignore the things u say or treat it as insignificant... well, it's a GROUP project after all.... nothing much i can say, or, perhaps, i'm simply just wrong... anyway, there's just one final project, and after that, i can just heck everything... so, let's get it over and done with!!!!

new year is gonna be over soon... sigh... just that, lesser of an excuse to procrastinate... haha...

realise that i've yet to forgive u for that incident. no matter how much i've convinced myself, not thinking abt it that much, yet, when i see u, i will be reminded that your choice ultimately is not me. just kind of sad that our friendship can't withstand this. since i've not forgiven, i don't even know if i will. it's quite a small thing, yet, the meaning is significant. somehow, don't know why i have to keep showing, proving and saying things, just to show, prove and say i mean it. i've forget, as i thought that we have this understanding between us. apparently i was wrong. there never is one between us, perhaps, all it boils down to, what matters to a person i guess.

just realise that i'm the kind of person who will show utmost loyalty to a fren who matters a lot to me. and i realise that i can't expect all my frens to behave that way. even if i realise that, doesn't mean i can accept it yet. or, seldom have i been in any situation where my frens are having different thoughts than mine. this is a test of our friendship, and our friendship seems to have failed in this aspect too. don't know about things, what to do, just that, where, in the past, things seem so confusing, they have become clearer. perhaps, what we are looking for has been overtaken or replaced by someone. other than that, it probably means nothing. somehow, trying to quantify and qualify it, something seems to be missing. perhaps, the answer may simply just be, hidding.

why do people like to hide so much? all the guessing, assuming... what's it's worth? is it really fun? to see if anyone gets it? to see if anyone knows u that well? to compare between people? it's already there, yet people like to test it so much... why? really dumbfounded by it... well, maybe, it's just the complexities of people i've yet to comprehend...

tired of mahjonging... haha.... off to sleep.... after proj report... sigh...

now that i'm a bit clearer and coherent, perhaps, i can blog better, and give a verification of my state of mind... think that ah mei's song woke me up quite a fair bit.

was just thinking of things, perhaps, have not been thinking much recently, trying to divert my attention from all those thoughts... however, when these thoughts come, they come after a catalyst, it's always like that, the aftermath, it's still a little heart to bear... what can i really do? just bear with it....

the ah mei song is right, it's always difficult to forget, because his shadow is always around u. what is worse, the physical self is constantly revolving around me, like the doors, wherever u go, u do see them around. till now, i'm still astounded at how people can easily cause hurt to someone just like that. perhaps, i'm even guilty of that myself, somehow or another, yet, i don't even know i've caused heartache somehow.

it's easy to pretend that u are happy. been doing that subconciously... sigh, what to do? didn't realise that until today, while i was sweeping the floor and listening to music. sigh.... been doing much that lately. realise that everyone is happy around me. they are happy, sigh. trying, really trying... damn. i don't want to blog anymore....

this is my first entry in ages... not that i do not have the time, rather, been focusing my energies on mapling... well, i've been procrastnating alot about my sch work, it's really time to pull up my socks and do work... haiz, i don't want to repeat this semester! so much quizzes coming up!! sigh... really gotta work hard! catch up on readings that are accumulating dust... sigh...

my cousin arthur is so cute!! love him to bits!!! i love his eyes... beautiful eyes!! sigh... haha...

i don't really know what to say after so long, in the sense that, find that i have nothing much to share. perhaps, used to not blogging after some time. sigh, that's about it... sianz...

i saw the two of them today whilst i was alone on my way back from school. the feeling that cut through me was swift. it still hurts. it ain't so bad when there are people around me. often, i will show that i'm alright, somehow, it lessens the hurt i might be feeling. they are also very good distractors.... really thankful for them.... i guess, time does heal the wounds, but how long will it take? i hope very soon. i keep pushing myself to feel alright around them, yet, when i'm around them, the truth is that i can't be at ease. in the sense, be myself. i have lots of hiding to do, to prevent the real feelings from emerging...

i guess, the reason why it is so difficult to put it all behind me, because the memories just refuse to go away. everytime when i see u, i will think of the past. it just comes to me... really, u could help me, just go away, stay away from me.... it will be so much easier.... when u guys are away from me, i feel so much better, i forget. once, u appear, i remember. pls, just let it go away. i just want to face everyone with a clear, clean state of mind.... why can't u help me? why why why....

sometimes, all i want for, is just someone to say, "siim ann, are u okay? u know u can tell me anything."

as usual, my reply is, "haha, i'm okay la, everything's fine."

i just can't help but wish someone would just continue saying, "u sure u are okay? don't bottle things up. just tell me, okay?"

i'm the kind of person that just needs to be pushed in a way. deep down, just really hope someone could just ask me to tell them what's wrong. is it only that friends whom know u for very long are able to do that? judge me as i am, the person that they know, instead of the circumstances that surround them? kind of down recently, and i wanna thank mz for cheering me up all the time. =) however, things are still not going really well, and everytime i wanna call someone, i'll just stopped. i don't know why, somehow, i can't really pinpoint what's wrong, but i'm not feeling really good.... don't really wanna bother anyone....

i'm an optimistic kind of person. and i can portray that easily in front of people. behind that, there are many tears and heartache.... i'm trying my best to be happy. u could say i'm desperate. i want to regain the old me...

i don't want anyone to sympatise with me. be nice to me because of other people. why not ask yourself if that's what u really wanna be? it's all smiles in front of everyone else. behind the facade, what lies beneath, is so scary. how can people portray something and yet another, yet professes to be true. ain't that hypocritical? i do that sometimes, but i'm true. i see people as friends, as people. yet, it's just one-sided on my part. i don't want to lie and say that everything's fine. other people may be able to do that, to get some benefits, i can't.... be fake.... i can't....

will i ever be myself again? i ask myself just now.... when are the happiest in uni? it's the first year, i realise... i thought the happiness would last. and yet, they are cruelly ripped away from me, by people, who in all essence, simply, put themselves first.... perhaps, that's really practical, but under every human being is just someone with feelings.... i don't know, don't know what i'm gonna do. just understand, i don't want to get hurt anymore, it's a painful process to get out of... either from friendship, BGR, betrayal..... i've been hurt enough, and i don't want to be hurt anymore.... pls, really, no more....

will i get out of my dumps? i pray to God, for peace.... thank you.