damn. i shld be studying yet i'm on the com!! aargh! no matter what, i will study finish... =)

hmm.... running away is so easy ain't it? well, i guess it's the most foolproof plan of all. running away means that u don't actually have to face whatever u don't want to face. well, such excuses can be even thought by u to such an extent. okay, since u are a coward, i grant u your wish. let's just stay away from one another. why make things so difficult. since u find it such a chore, that such an effort is needed to communicate with me. forget it.... everyone one is selfish, i'm no exception. in anything, whatever that i have put into, i need some returns too. that's just only fair. it's really a simple case of things being left too long. and then, it turn stagnant, leaving only emptiness in what was actually a beautiful beginning. well, life's too short for any of us to dwell on anything for far too long. move on... u already have. i already have. i guess, the only remaining to do is simply just to forget it. it makes things much easier.

people are strange. some things warrant more thoughts, they just pretend. on stupid things, they actually dwell on it.... weird...

okay, back to studying!!! focus!!

i've changed. i realise that these few days. perhaps, this change is not the kind where u suddenly realise that wow, i've changed. but rather, through experiences this year. is it a good or bad change? well, i don't know. a coin has to sides, and this is no exception. perhaps, when the effects of the change are more pronounced, will i then announce a verdict i guess...

just hope that things at home will be fine... haiz. don't understand why, it's everytime during exams that things happen.... =(

2nd entry for the day. i can't help but want to say some suff... why are people so afraid to admit their weaknesses? why do people purposely avoid your questions?? why are people so afraid to see what they really are? why...?

i thought love is suppose to make a person better. instead it made u turn away from the fundamentals where u are from... it doesn't make u a better person, instead, it seemed to have turn u into something worse. i'm disappointed. perhaps, i have to understand that not everyone is like me, who understands that underlying everything, how u come into the world, how u have been brought up, couldn't have been totally attributed to u only.

u are the one who was so valiant and brave in protecting your own beliefs and statements. however, when it actually comes down to doing what u say, u are actually a coward. u bully, say and do spiteful things. when someone is angry or pissed, u do stuff back, but rationally. however, u spite. i really hope u can see underneath all the makeup u are really just this kind of person. yes, that is what i can see. well, if u firmly believe that u have what it takes to mete out punishments of your own merit, what u believe, then good for u. one point to note, love doesn't always make u someone better.

u know why it is sometimes so very difficult to make someone say something? u actually ask a very simple and direct question. the kind that merits no complexitiy in answer. yet, people always evade u to answer.... and then, the result? you are labelled as someone who in simple words, who tend to have their own beliefs abt something. i understand why is it tiring. things to me, are very simple. just ask, get the answer, problem solved. others just want to make things difficult, then evade, in the end, more issues and problems crop up. perhaps, i'm just not in a very good mood right now. i just want to vent alright. really, why does things always turn out like that. sometimes, u want to be understood. sometimes u just want to understand. must there be such a game to play? i really don'y understand.

yes, i'm in a bad mood...

the first thing that i thought when i did the acc2 paper was that the topics are familiar. where, the topics that i study relatively well and in-depth were familiar and that logically speaking, i should be able to answer. i thought i did too. for the first time, u know the topic, u know what to do. yet, i was at a loss.... don't even really know what to do. and the feeling gets heavier and heavier, the idea that something is wrong. it's the first time i ever had such a feeling towards a paper. damn. and i really gave my best. it's to the extent that i felt like crying halfway. i just hope now that what i gave was really my best. pls, just let me pass.....

am i really that untrustable... whenever there's good news, i find it hard to contain it within myself... i just have the urge to share it. that's not really an excuse i guess. but to me, i never really thought of hiding one thing from another, because, simply, we are family, and to me, there should be no secrets between family members. i just gather this is something that others can't understand. i should not hope for others to understand at all, because, it's just too complex.... and i should just understand that family members should aid one another in treating one another like strangers... just understand them... i do... so maybe i should really just learn to keep my mouth shut....

there are many instances whereby i question myself. how much i can keep to myself, how much i tell others. i think i can justify for myself in this way. i share alot with people. i have this ability to really just talk abt myself and get others to talk abt themselves. so, to me, i don't really think we have to purposely hide things. this is probably incongruent with what most people think... they have some part of themselves that they want to hide... i should learn to understand that too... haiz, really, in life, we have to learn alot from others... to help in learning ourselves more....

i keep... no, i can't help but think a little of what this period would be.... sometimes, when i look at u, i can't help but think that all of this should belong to me. not a very long time ago, it did belong to me. and i know, u did not take it away. the blame, if there really is any, is that i was being taken for granted and unappreciated. even if i'm not, i can't help but wonder, will i still have all that belong to me in the first place. or subsequently, it will all be slowly but surely drained away... are all relationships like that? when someone finds someone to replace u? u will just be a distant part of someone's memory, or not even at all. it's so scary, how people can be so easily replaceable. i've always beg to differ from yoke's point... i believe that not everyone can be replaceable. but often then late, i keep having these thoughts... i can't help but think forget it, why bother to mend a distant and broken relationship. is it really worth it? don't know... really tired....

haiz. i must adhere to my studying timetable. i must not let a repeat of today happen again. must do my best for the rest of the papers.... all the best to everyone...!

seldom am i at a loss on what to blog... haha.... after thinking for a while, i've decided what to talk abt... and no, not gonna start with the exams... =)

so, i was rather taken aback when my younger sis commented on my msn nick, which in other words, was proclaiming my singlehood and independence.... she asked me to remove it, saying that i'm announcing it to the whole world. my first reaction was, so? i was not overtly concerned abt what others may think abt it... so, this comes to my main point. i suddenly realise that i've never thought much abt how others might think of me. in a personal capacity that is. i mean, life's really short, and having to encompass all that others are thinking abt u, ain't it very tiring?

the truth is, i do care very much so abt who might think of me, which is only applicable to ppl whom i care very much abt. and what they say do affect me very much, it also depends on what issues that is. the people who affect me the most are my parents.... after that, not many people can affect me on to a large extent. especially with what they say. issues, they do... however, after a while, when it gets repetitive, it also loses it's impact rather quickly.....

perhaps, that is why so, i'm quite a happy-go-lucky person. i let go of things relatively fast. well, things to do with my love life, i don't really get over it that quickly though. haha, channelling the wrong energies in the wrong places i guess... well, i'm kind of glad of the way i treat and deal with issues... not letting things affect me is quite a good way. however, my advice is not to let too many things not affect u, because, after a while, u realise it takes a lot to rock the boat in the sea. and when things do shake me, they shake really hard. the imapct is more than what u can take... yupz, so, moderate things i guess... haha...

so, the exams... i'm slacking too much already. right now, i should be studying!!! help! well, i'm gonna try my best to finish as much as possible. if only i'm not so easily distracted by people!!!! always talking when i should be studying!! haha....

hopefully, i can watch superstar tonight. but i don't think so! so much stuff not done... i'll see how it goes i guess.... i must do well!!! stop playing!!!

it's such a lazy day!! just refused to get out of bed!! haha... yes, gotta start studying soon... but just let me enjoy my morning first... =) watching mtv at you tube!! haha...

had a nice time with yoke yesterday at can 2 after the paper... we hadn't talk in ages... for the rest of the paper, we must all try our best okay!

okay.... i've watching too much videos... forgot what i wanna blog... haha... come back later...

okay, the topic that i will start first will be of course, about the upcoming exams... haha.... just hope that i study finish what i intend to. and seriously, pray that everything stays in my head! haha... really can't wait for it to be over man....

okay... what shall i talk abt today... hmm, perhaps, about family i guess... these few days of studying at home actually foster stronger relation between my dad and i... haha... gratified in a way, as it shows that my dad and i are not that far apart as i thought... no matter what, i do appreciate my parents... a lot, sometimes, in the asian context, we do not show how much we love them and how much they love us, we must be sure that they do... too bad, they are my parents... haha....

quite happy in a way, that my thoughts nowadays are mainly focused to getting the information in my head... however, other thoughts do creep in here and then... or more specifically, i will think of thoughts during last semester, during this period... luckily, those thoughts float away relatively fast, or i will seriously die for not being focused enough! haha... many thoughts also tend to drift inside me.. well, perhaps, will address it when i have more time to articulate out carefully what i want to say....

guess what?! u never know how much tv shows are actually interesting when u start watching them... haha, well, i'm a miracle ain't i? watching shows during exam period... haha.... sometimes, think i slack far too much... well, the time is already spent, no point crying over split milk... was watching prison break today... didn't realise that it's very nice! will try to catch it after exams... then with superstar! omg! i love it!!! talents are great this time round and i hope i can learn more songs... haha...

okay... back to studying i guess... =(

=) for it to end so soon!!!

it's always at this time of the night that i really feel like calling it a day and just go to sleep. however, i remeber that i really have tons of studying that doesn't seem to subside any moment that i try to study and hope that everything goes in... studies, don't know whether i've put in enough or not, but i'll certainly do my best... my most feared subject is surprise surprise, acc2, and i really hope i muster enough confidence and not just the usual slack attitude which usually result in a grade that is below expectations. or worse, passing grade. just that, i must know that i know... something like that... haha...

sometimes it's really hard when u are caught in the middle of things. for instance, u say u can't trust me on this, i was like, what the heck, what do u want me to do? selfish, that is what i call u. if u don't want to tell me, let me know, it's really fine. ultimately, u want me to support u, and the end result? things that u do not want to hear. so, after that, i'm guilty of giving u the wrong information? in either ways, i'll be labeled something. why not then, look into yourself, whether u are living a lie or not? if u really is fine with that, then, u learn to live with it. because, u will get punished sooner or later. at the expense of family? selfish. u always think of yourself, how the whole damn world has did something to u. what abt u yourself? what have u done that is so great and that is needed to be jotted down in history books? ask yourself this, before u start blaming the whole world for every single thing. u are just plain selfish.

i'm really sick at how things go round sometimes. fine, u don't trust me. wth. and u expect things to go on as usual, u can probably do that, but i can't, becuase i can't stand liars. u want me to be on your side or whatever, i'm just your sister. hope that u are rational enough to know what is right or wrong. no one has betrayed u alright. it's just how things work out sometimes. and if u insist on persisting in something that u know has no future. good luck again, u need it to fight the war.

i will do well in my studies! i will do well in my exams! i will, because, simply, i have to...

it really has been a long long time since i last blogged.... properly blogged... well, not for any particular reasons, just that, don't think that anyone wanna read abt my preparation for exams, or rather the lack of it... haha... so far, been feeling relatively quite calm abt studies, albeit, lagging. i'm still hopeful that i can finish studying everything. well, i have come up with a contingency plan, which is to not really sleep much during the exams when it start next monday. haha, well i survive it? when i have been sleeping much too much!! haha...

okay, truth to be said, my mind is not really on my studies. i have some stuff bothering me and really, for once, it's not abt that person. surprise surprise...

i have always been rather careful to seem as though i'm not making someone functional or that i'm using them. to me, i don't want that to be the intention or anything, because, that is certainly not mine. however, it cannot really be helped since many a time, it will be seen as though the situation is such. perhaps, i'm sensitive, or not? i have been made used of by people and therefore has swore not to towards anyone. i'm really sorry if i have portrayed such intentions or even behaviour, it's really sucky.... sometimes, it's beyond my comprehension that everyone's thoughts seem to wander wildy and seems to settle far too much on the negative. i think simply, perhaps, in this event, i hurt people. i don't think until things happen. or i take action when things do actually happen. i just hope it's not too late and that people who care and understand will welcome my wrongdoings with a generous heart? thank you dears...

sometimes, or often than not, i've always thought abt isolation, loneliness, abandonment. these thoughts are plauging me very often nowadays. more than i care too admit. i don't understand why i let this insecurity come into me... perhaps, i'm really fearful of riverting back to the old me, riverting back to the old days, or simply, i'm afraid to be alone. i don't know, and i don't really want to question it. will i survive? probably i think. i have always been a surivior, sort of, fighter, sort of? i think, even though, i might not react fast enough, time will always aid any adaption process?

haiz, i really don't wish for any stuff to come between us. it's really like volcanoes, not knowing when things will erupt, a time-bomber, not knowing when it will explode. everywhere, everyone, it seems like i'm always on a high. is it that i give this kind of feeling to people? the instability? that i'm gonna run away on them anytime. the fear of trusting me anymore? hurt, yes, i am... but i'll cope with it too.

more often now, even when i'm surrounded by people, i find myself walking alone. thoughts of resentment are supposed to infiltrate me, but none came. am i that accepting of things? or perhaps, i've stop fighting for a losing war? that, things, will be like that. it's not that everyone's changing, it's just that i've not changed enough to fit the changing environment? i hope not, i can and i will adapt.... i refuse to see that i'm alone. because, i'm that stubborn, or delusional.... =)

dear yoke, jiayou okay... seldom talk to u because i'm seldom online.... no matter what, hope u are not stressed out and you can do it!! all the best!!

dear peishan, miss u lots! call me after exams and we exercise! good luck!

dear hui qi and hwee min, thanks for the encouragement, we'll play manz, that's the promise!!

okay, hope that my nose is better so that i can study with eyes wide open!!! and probably go running too... cheers!

it's been a damn long time since i've last blogged... haha... well, nothing much has been happening except for the upcoming exams. which i think, cannot be considered as something exciting...? unless someone begs to differ...? anyone? haha, okay, been pretty lame...

anyway, celebrating jm's bday tmr... yoke, it's really for u manz... =)

haha... hope to have some fun tmr... pls, no studying?

perhaps, much thoughts to blog about, but they have been left on paper somewhere... hmmz. so that's abt it, i guess...?

jiayou everyone...!

have u ever wondered what ppl are saying abt u? haha, for me, i usually talk abt others, more so, abt cute guys... so, ya.... good things, bad things? doesn't really matter. but it'll be really interesting to know what they are saying right? well, for stuff that i don't really wanna know, then heck. but sometimes, the playful side of me do really wanna know... kpo mahz... haha...

anyway, gonna mug at woodlands library indefinitely... so, anyone wanna join me, let me know alright? haha.. cheeers... good luck for exams everyone!!

from today onwards, i'm gonna stop questioning, stop asking and stop wondering abt worthless things. i've found my inner peace abt 2 days ago.... and i'm glad i did. God is true. other things are not. that is what i believe.