i still have this hollow feeling in me. which i wish fervently that it wld go away, so i wld stop coughing!! hiaz.... pls, let me get well soon.

i have to stop eating!! i have been eating too much!! aargh!! die le... hiaz.

crazy recently, thinking very stupid thoughts, partly with me being sick and all... i don't understand ppl much. i don't understand why ppl can just let go much? don't know, don't really wanna care...

replaced/displaced... don't really care...

just wanna read harry potter

just wanna carry life on peacefully

will i get my wish?

and stop feeling so much

i hate being sick. it reminds me how vulnerable i am. how easily prone to touching acts i am. like i was reading the article abt close bonds between family memebrs, and i teared?! madness.... anyway, breathing now, still abit painful, cos throat is still hurting a little with some coughing. chest, feels heavy man, when i breathe... i hope i don't get any more chest pains. it's starting to freak me out now.... it's the 3rd time, of intense pain for abt half an hr... hopefully, it will not come again.... hiaz...

had pizza for dinner! i think i shouldn't have it. but my mum didn't say anything... haha... it's nice thought....

thanks for my granny for giving me ju hua cha!! it was not very nice tasting, but.... nice!

i will get better!

i thought i would be very disappointed, even remotely sad. the thing is, i don't feel anything. i'm not even supressing anything at all... haha... i think, in my deepest feeling, i am, but, i have been running away from what i'm feeling nowadays that i'm too tired to distinguish if this is real or not....

it's quite tiring to act like i got the hots for many cute guys. it's so not me, but, somehow, i feel that i can prevent ppl from seeing what is actually inside, because, i'm kinda scared to feel, to grasp hold of what is actually felt by me. u may just say, then stop it! if it's so simple... i will do it. sometimes, i just do not want to, but before i could stop it, the words just came out of me. mostly, i really do not want ppl to think there's something wrong or anything, and am i trying too hard? i don't know. perhaps. yeah, i'm gonna stop soon. i have no energy to fight with u anymore. u have won. and i hope u are happy with it.

i really thought i found a friend in u. however, u are the one who is fraught with insecurities and stupid thoughts that is spoiling the friendship by alot. when i heard that u say so in other words that it's none of my business, i was hurt. yes, i was. i recognise, that, indeed, it is, none of my business. is it? do u really think so? then why are u preventing the knowledge of it from me on purpose? maybe it's not done on purpose, but, u admit that u have no intent? whatever. u can do what u want, and when it's time to come crying back to me, i will just take u in, like i always do. i have done the best i could in this situation, and i believe, stronger than anyone that could have done. there is nothing more that i could have done and i don't wish to do so anymore. i have nothing left in me anymore. it's spent, truly, and all.

i understand why i am so afraid to lose ppl, to form relationships. i have lost too many people i have loved. life is so damn fragile, after a glance, u could lose them just like that. my aunt, grandfather, cousin. nobody can ever understand the feeling of never seeing anyone again. it's really a scary feeling, and i hope that i can face it one day. and learn to let go, truly when it's time.

hurt, what is hurt? who can hurt u? sigh, damn, i swore not to get hurt by ppl, frens, and i did again. sometimes, i do question if i'm too selfish or not, being too preoccupied with myself. and i do try, but perhaps, the other party is too tired? and i should stop expecting too much? expectations again. i can't seem to leave this topic.... and when one fully grasp the idea that u mean nothing at all to him or her, that is when u know that u should bid a graceful exit...

i'm tired, truly tired by all these. life was so simple last time. now, too many ppl, to many issues. it is truly taxing and tiring. i have already and is starting to close both eyes. i choose not to see, choose not to hear, and lastly, choose not to understand. by doing all the above, i can protect what little is left in me. the truly siim ann that have been missing for so long. don't worry guys, i'll be back soon, this period has been abit stupid, really crazy of me. i'm tired.

peishan, i'm sorry for not meeting u. hope to cya soon! really miss u lots...

i guess i have to stop running away from the issue. or perhaps, even avoiding the issue. the reason i have stopped blogging for these few days it's because i don't know how to talk abt this issue anymore, or is there any need? well, perhaps, just say my few cents worth before it is blown out of proportion...

to say something fair... in the first place, there is absloutely no reason at all that u shld tell me abt it. none at all. the thing is, there's simply nothing to tell, i mean, even as a normal fren, i respect your wishes to say nothing at all because there is nothing concrete, confirmed or anything. however, i don't understand the secrecy at all, the purpose/intent not to let me know. and i'm suppose to feel alright with that? then, what do u see me as? some person who will then do something supposedly because u rejected me? come on! does it matter if i know it now or later? and, how do u want me to find out?

trust me, whatever the time, it doesn't really matter... i will still know it and the hurt will still be there... i was quite surprised that the confirmation wasn't as bad... it was, alright, i kind of expected it already. hiaz, why do u guys want to hide things from me on purpose? does it really matter? if u care that much, then stop inflicting hurt... moral of the story, the more u try to hide the more the truth will come to light. what's the point?! i still don't understand now.

i hate myself for knowing u that well. damn it. why is it things that pertain to u, i never see wrongly. u see the right person, and this happens to be the right timing, u just go for it. why are u that predictable, and why can i even predict the right person? simply, i don't really care anymore. u can go and do whatever u deem as correct, keep me in the dark and then wham! let me find out just like that. that is really a good idea. all in all, u are just protecting yourself. whatever, i feel very tired for justifying whatever reasons there are. up to u. just don't come to me time and time again, expecting things to remain the same, when u are the one, doing all this little things, to make it complicating and difficult. okay? let's play fair.... whatever....

i was feeling quite lousy on the train ride to sembawang to meet mz. all those angry thoughts just overcame me and i can't keep them from coming. i hope i don't create a mess with my straightforwardness. i tend to speak without thinking of the consequences, just hope that jm did take me seriously...

i had a fabulous time with mz today! he treated me milo.... haha, thanks manz! made me forget abt those stupid things! he stunned me today lor... i hope it's the last time... my fragile heart can't withstand anymore sudden shocks...! haha... the movie was not bad at all... well, it teaches us to treasure the ppl that we love and to appreciate them more. that if u don't treasure the ppl u love, u will lose all that u have.... not a bad theme... it's a pity that it is too fast, that we are as blur as the main character. which i don't think is what moviegoers should feel even though that is the purpose?

haha.... anyway, really should start studying or something... sianz!!

today is quite a nice day. it's because everyone is not in a bad mood today. haha. i do guage my days like that.

i better keep up with the readings and homework and pretty tuff stuff...! i'm just so slack! haha

i do also want to keep up with my jogging!

my life is centering on the pool table.... i'm the white ball, trying to hit the surrounding stripe or coloured balls. sometimes, i do hit and when i do perform and is up to expectations, the coloured balls fall into the holes. if i don't, i get to knock abt them a couple of times before i can meet up to expectations. i really hope and pray that i hit on the right targets all the time and fall safe and sound into the holes. i mean it's all human nature to want to be correct all the time. well, i guess we'll see....

anyway, feeling more alright nowadays.... been reading this book which seems to articulate all my thoughts abt r/s, guys and feelings... haha, it's quite an honest and funny read... it makes me think i'm not that alone and that liking someone is not a mistake at all....

i hope that i can complete my tutorials in time.... quite sianz abt it.... hiazz.... it's like i got cca stuff to do, which i seriously don't feel like doing but yet have to... hiaz.... see how it goes ba....

haha..... haha.... haha....

now i do understand why u have been keeping a distance. it's funny how i didn't see it. actually, i did, perhaps, i just choose not to. what's the point in keep things from me? u have no guts. simple as that. i don't want to hear anymore praises abt u, because it just is not fair.... u have no guts. u don't want to let me know, and i have to find out from another, well, u have done it very well. i do understand that it is not the right timing and everything, but u do think i'm blind? i should not expect anything coming from u, i did not. but i was naive, my heart expects. so, i'm suppose to smile, say cheese, tease, say congraulations. i do not forsee a problem in that, that's my forte. i have let down my guard for far too long and it serves myself right. i will put it up now. perhaps u wonder, what good does it serve me? it protects me, far more than u know.

why is it still now that u question me? u want to spare me the hurt/trouble? oh, spare me that. if u do really have such noble notions, then, remain a monk. don't do all these and then say another thing/feel another thing. in the end, it all remains the same. yes, i do forsee that this day would come, i just didn't expect it to be so soon. people are frivolous, and so are u. there's really no point in blaming anyone now there is? damn it, why do people shit and i have to clean up the mess myself? damn u. of course, u are not even lifting a finger to help, just come all high and mighty on me. come to me whenever u need to confide in someone, throw me aside when u have dear old someone to talk to. if u do actually tell me what u are up to, ain't that easy? u think it's easy for me, i have to question myself am i sending out the wrong signals, do not want u to misunderstand, and then, actually have to consider whether u are alright. it's easy if u cancel out the first 2 steps. can't u just tell me? up till now, u still do not dare to face me when u are also responsible for this incident. damn it.

the realisation that i still like u stinks. i wish to just cut off all contacts with u. like i did with mz, it would definitely hasten the process. i'm almost there already, just there's this part of me is still oh so stubborn. damn. i hate myself so much, i try to immerse myself in work, it does help. but when i go to sch, the damn cycle will start all over again, and i have to go home and kick myself. shit. in case u do want to know, i give u my blessings. i do. it's just that why do u want to hide from me? what's the point? coward.

big grps, small grps. life was much simpler between the 2 of us. i miss u so much. it's so difficult now to be myself. it's good in a way, u have this grp of frens to always fall back on, ppl u know u can count on. hiaz. i really should stop complaining. always so non-appreciative. putting up a front, ain't everyone doing that? sigh, it's so difficult to be yourself sometimes, i feel so tired. trying to be myself, yet i can't totally yet. it's so hard to talk abt myself anymore. i'm not even expecting anything. it really suxs.

i found myself in tears in the bathroom yesterday. damn it, you are not a weakling!! u are a survivor. u have survived so many things already, what more is this? i know i will, i'm a survivor, but at what cost? i do not dare to venture out into this yet, what's the point in scaring myself so much?

work work work. i do welcome it alot. it doesn't matter if the end result is not what i want, i gave my best shot. in everything i do, i gave my best shot. it matters all over in the end, but let me lie to myself for a while, for everyone. it's easier this way. that everything will turn out fine, i will be ok soon, and be really happy.

for now, it's still smile, tease, laugh, and say cheese. i can do it. GOD BLESS ME....

had my first lesson of AB214 today. i think it will be an interesting class. i like the tutor at first impression even though she seems a tad bit long-winded. well, most tutors are like that? this year, the feeling is rather different from the previous semester. i was quite stressed even though the term has not started. this sem, perhaps, with the right amount of expectations, it was not that stressful yet. so, kind of at the right kind of pace. sch's alright, though, i do miss time spent with yoke. i don't think it can be helped because we do exist as a group now, which is not bad either... =) some adjustments need to be done i guess...

sometimes, i think it's not intentionally done, but it just happened. the usual amount of hiding is already taking place. hiaz, i'm not the kind who will share easily and it suxs when u start to hide again. i think it can't be helped as u want to present what u are, but can't really, because u have to understand you are not alone in this world.

things do happen whether i like it or not. hiaz, i just didn't envisage that it will happen so soon. replacement, displacement. it's just a play of words. ultimately, it all mean the same thing, people's presence being taken over by another. i think it was foolish of me to expect and think that things will remain unchange. much as i like to believe yoke's words, that some things/ppl will all come back to starting point, i'm starting to doubt myself. well, actually, it doesn't matter i guess, in the end, i will not matter at all. i'm kind of disappointed in us, in you and i, that i can't make things stay the same, and that you do not seem to want to do anything abt it. what to do? that's life. i should have learnt from all my mistakes, but i still steadfastly held to my beliefs that things will not change. what a dumb ass, they have. i can't pretend that things are the same, i can't yet, and i don't think i ever will. i will try, but it will come out unnatural. it suxs, cos it still hurts. damn, when will i stop hurting? i hope it's soon man. i'm tired of feeling this way towards the both of u. it's really damn tiring.

hiaz. whatever. i'm not gonna let u spoil my life any longer. =)

i went to watch fireworks yesterday!! it was so damn cool and nice!!!!!!! love it to bits! i felt like my hopes were coming and raining down on me! i wanna watch it again! i love the golden ones! yay!!

anyway, i'm gonna slp early! haha...

today was rather interesting enough.... yoke called me when i was sleeping.... i was quite shocked, because it was so sudden! haha... but it's a nice surprise... =)

my dad went for the operation yesterday... and i was at the hospital waiting... didn't feel like eating, i mean, even if u know things will be relatively safe, u still can't help but worry.... i guess...? when i saw my dad, i was filled with sadness.... in the sense, u never thought u wld see ur dad so vulnerable? i mean, u never thought that ur dad will be so helpless lying there alone... hmm, and i realise that i do love my dad alot, simply because he's my dad. i can't deny the fact that i'm my dad's daughter, i can see that now.... and i promise i wld try to be much nicer to him no matter what i guess....

i was feeling quite lonely ytd... and i thought of something that yoke asked once... something abt which situation of loneliness is the worse... i think i wasn't really mindful of being that alone, i have somehow gotten used to it due to my experience in the hospitals. i couldn't help but think it wld be nice to have someone with u. someone there who is there unconditionally... i think it will sort of take off the stress of worry and make u less serious i guess.... i mean, i do think stupid things sometimes....

i have understood that we can't expect ppl to do much for u when u don't even present it properly in the first place.... don't know.... it's just seldom that i'm ready to share and thought it would be quite easily caught on? i mean, i do sense when ppl wanna talk, but that doesn't mean i can expect the same from another? yeah, i can't, but i think i can hope? well, i should have not even placed any expectations.... that's why i'm kind of afraid that this might happen.. perhaps, i'm just an insecure bitch who's damn unreasonable... well, i don't know... anyway, it doesn't really matter. sianz le... ppl can come and go... that's just it....

anyway, whatever, sick of many things pertaining to him recently.... anyway, there won't be a him much longer in me... yay! so relieved and gald of that...

kk, gonna go for meeting/talk/lec? haha... bye!

today started rather early for me. have not woken up that early in abt 3 months. at abt 630, was already up when i slept at ard 130 the day itself... haha... doing the pretest! which is super sianz! anyway, was helping out at the pretty turf booth. i'm still having this surreal feeling of getting myself into something which requires a lot of responsibilities...! well, i will try my best ba! i really hope that yoke can cope alright too! =)

after a busy day at the booth, i really wonder at the many gals in NTU joining pretty turf. haha, we went to celebrate jh's bday at canteen a. haha, the look on his face when he have to hold the balloon was so damn funny! it's a big chicken little!! haha... most of the gals took photos with him! he became our mini celebrity! haha... so cute!

went to play pool after that! yay! i have improved! haha, actually, must really thank jh... he thought it well... =) thanks!

went to the arcade to play daytona... hiaz, i can never win a race with these guys... haha... anyway, had fun!

then, hope dad is alright too... hiaz, his reatina(how do u spell that?) tore or something. if he doesn't go for the operation, he will go blind! anyway, really hope nothing happens. fear struck in me when i heard that... i know God will bless my father... i really do pray...

anyway, been feeling quite nice today... and i hope yoke does too... cheers dear!!

i don't know why, but my friends seem to understand me better than i myself. for instance, yoke could identify that i'm having conflicting thoughts.

hwee min is even better. she pointed out that i'm controlling and pushing myself. i didn't even realise or know that i was doing that. i have often wondered why i have dealt with this relatively fast, and i was controlling my emotions. i can't help it. hm, i can't do what u ask me of. i'm really can't. i choose to do it the hard and difficult way. i know it's not really helping me, but i don't really see another way to cope with it. in the process, i know i will get hurt. i know that i will be the one losing out. i thought i could handle being nice and everything, but it's eating me up alive. i don't know what to do. if i carry on this act, i don't know if i have the strength to come out alive, the person that i can and am and want to be. God, i need the strength and courage. i believe You have given me this situation to cope with it, therefore, for u i will find the strength and courage to move on. i will.

i understand now why ppl say that ur gf or bf is your life, everything. stupid right. yeah.

sch's starting tmr. have been keeping myself quite busy. i hope it's enough for everything. hiaz. yeah....

i've figured out what's wrong.

i'm scared of 2 things.

i really hope that throughout the year, i will iron out the fear and resume my normal feelings. then, it will finally stop bothering me.... i need to give myself a chance.... and i will...

i'm glad my textbooks are settled... thanks jm for your help. really appreciate it.

actually, i have many thoughts. i don't know where to start. ok, news flash! ps's attached! haha... really glad for her.... my good frens are attached. i'm really glad for them... the thing is, it's really funny, or rather heart-warming, because, they will tell u that your turn will come soon... i'm like?? huh? haha...

the news are currently populated by adoption of single parents, surrogate mothers... i realise that one don't need a complete family, technically, to have a complete family. i realise that the current society creates a lot of opportunities, such that, it's not that we want to or not to have this option. just that, it is available, so that we can explore it. have u think abt it, that we don't know there's this option? it's also another situation, where it is natural. but, we have these options now. things don't have to be so-called "natural". all in all, u don't need a male to reproduce. and i realise, males and females come together just to have children. u don't really need them, do we?

i seem to forget once again what to blog. i was having all these thoughts just now... hmm, yeah, something abt hating ppl. i don't know why, perhaps, hating is a natural process... i don't know? i'm tired of playing games, actually it's not really a game. perhaps, trying to keep up the pretense... i'm not going to anymore. i'm really a straightforward person. i'm not that concerned anymore. it's just like any other ppl. so, yupz. whatever?

anyway, that's all for now... sch's starting! i'm keeping myself quite busy man, really don't mind... just that, haha, so sudden and weird...!

i had a happy time yesterday! went to causeway point to meet wx, hq and hm for dinner at swensens! wx was showing us photos of her trip to sydney, melbourne and new zealand... it's so cool!! to have all the pictures!!! and then snow! experiencing nature at close range! sigh... what a life! and the houses, all so nice and colonial! wow! really hope to be able to go some place like that soon!!!! =) haha... really had a fun time yesterday... and we must meet up during the hols!!

actually all i wanted to do was to share my joy... together with my tiredness, i was not really in the best of mood... perhaps, i thought i knew ppl. but i realise, there's so much that i don't. perhaps, it's not that, but the fact that i have placed too much expectations, expectations that are wrong. ppl come and ppl go, but i thought some are meant to stay forever. i was wrong in that too. that's why, i place that amount of expectations or even dare too. therefore, the disappointment was even greater. i gave up and went to sleep in the end. i wasn't overly feeling anything... nothing much, just tiredness i guess...

what is expectation? i define it as a feeling of anticipation someone places towards another... i think i will place lesser expectations. situation's changing, ppl are changing... in that way, i wld not expect someone to place unreasonable expectations on me and me on them. that's lesser hurt-causing and even lesser feelings..... it's really better this way...

i hate it and find it extremely irritating when ppl apologise for stupid things, or things that does not even need apologising abt. what does it do? just send stupid wrong signals that u do really care. make u feel better? and is there a need to feel better what nothing wrong is done in the first place? and did i even say i was angry? i wasn't even feeling anything. what the hell.... so it's really irritating and i wish it'll stop. u wanna be nice? do me a favour, stop it.... crazy...

ok, going jogging! i must jog 3 km!!!! and i will! jiayou to myself! haha....

last thing abt u

the whole incident or rather episode in my life started off rather innocent. girl meets boy. boy meets girl. somehow, i happen to be at the right place at the right time. he needed someone to talk to as his best friend is in overseas. it didn't occur to me that he needed someone to confide in, i thought it was rather unusual that 2 people can confide and talk abt anything relatively well. i thought it was special, wouldn't u think so? it is seldom that u can find someone that u can talk abt everything under the sun. i think even with best friends, some things u don't wanna say because of some reasons. but to him, it was rather different. it comes off rather naturally.

apparently, it wasn't enough. this connection. sometimes, i wonder, whenever i see u, i'm filled with this tiredness, sadness and perhaps a hint of anger. however, there's no anger now, just some sadness, and i think it would not go away for a long time still. i can't pretend that i am gald to see u everytime. every time i see u, it would bring back memories, something that my floodgates cannot control. know what's the worse thing is? that i have to be ok in front of everyone. i am already. but it did took some time. sadness, hmm, actually, more so for u i guess. for my part, it is a long time, i have my own peace with myself. i swore to myself right from the beginning that if u lie to me, can't accept me for who i am, i will forget abt u that way. cos when i see u, i see someone who needs someone to support u. u are a people's person that way. and i can't be that person u see, no matter how good a friend i can be to u. it'll never be the same, friends and something more.

i don't want to hurt u. but sometimes i don't know how to and how not to, whether i am or not. it doesn't really bother me anymore, the way u think towards a certain thing as it used to. i don't know, just that, the thing between us right now, i often feel that i'm in a r/s with no strings attached. i know u are there for me and u know u can count on me. for me, that's alright. but is it healthy for both of us? i question this lately. and i don't think so. and i don't want to hurt u in the sense that u are not that important for me to care anymore. i know that once ur best friend is away, u will start to talk to me and then? reliance this way, is not right?

i'm very very afraid and wary. of the things we know abt each other. our closeness. i have been trying to put a distance, i think i have to. if i do not do it, u will not.... sometimes, i really wonder how can u be so selfish. how can u want the best of both worlds? knowing someone is always there. but at no cost. u tell me one thing, u do another thing. i really wonder, why can't u make up your mind? u are afraid of making another mistake? news flash: u already have. i did not give anything up, perhaps, that is what makes it easier for me to deal with. just take it simply that u have rejected me then.

i choose to like u. i can also choose to unlike u. i accept everything that comes with it. i remember at the initial stages, when i was caught between liking u or not, i was troubled. i did not want to like u, because, i'm afraid that history might repeat itself. true to my worst fears, it did. i trusted u. i should not have, but i did. i wonder how that could have happened at all. but it did, and in a way, u did betray my trust. lie to me, and everything u say. whatever ba.

yoke always tell me with regards to him, give it more time. hwee min also question me, are u sure u are over him? u may wonder, why am i so insistent to forget him? the answer is actually very simple. i told myself that i would take this hols to forget him... just this hols. and i have. i don't want any distractions anymore. what's the point? not to forget abt him, holding on to what? HOPE? where there is none? i choose to believe there's none. it's easier this way, be harsh on yourself.

i was talking to geraldine the other way. i recognise alot of what u have recognised, much earlier than me anyway. that it wouldn't have worked out. i do thank you in that way, for not giving me a bad first time. i so much wanted to believe that it will work out that blurred my judgement for so long.

i often forgive but i never forget. for u, i will never forgive u for not giving us a chance, for yourself and me. i understand that u have a bad experience, but u are costing me too, and that, i really can't forgive. i'm sorry.... however, forget, it comes rather easily this time, and i thank God and my will power for giving me the strength to move on.

i appreciate u alot as a fren. that, u must know. =)

i think my close frens will be shock by this honest entry. for a long time, i have been looking for some sort of closure. and i believe this is the best way. i want to tell all not to worry abt me. i'm not that vulnerable... haha.... to yoke and peishan: all the best, okay!!!!!

i have stopped crying for a long time. the smile is coming out more and more often. i want to revert back to my bubbly self and i can grasp it already. been really contented and happy these few days, knowing that i no longer have this attachment, this feeling of not letting go, it really relieves me.... =)

i have nothing more to add to this issue. this is the final entry...

i also want to thank my twin sis, for always asking me out, making me forget in the activities we do. younger sis, for always saying that he is a jerk. haha...

ok, that's it.... end of story....

i watched lakehouse today... and the theme of the show is abt waiting for the love... or rather, waiting for the one love, the right person that is for u. i love it! always a sucker for romantic movies!!!!!! haha....

something have been on my mind recently... i use willpower to push it back. however, i think i can't push it back much longer. actually, i wanted to blog abt it today, but have been caught up in chatting with secondary sch frens! haha, really miss them man!!!

i went to the arcade with twin sis today... we wanted to get marie the cat!!! but! we didn't succeed! i don't really wanna part with my money....

anyway, the left side of my mouth is hurting... for the whole day... i don't know what's wrong, and i hope it goes away tmr... hiaz, kind of worried, u don't think it's some infection or something? i hope not... and my right leg is a little sprained... it's not healing!!! hiaz... how? see how it goes ba.... =(