Friday, September 29, 2006

today is a happy day!!!! i had lunch at 3 plus!!! all the starving was worth it!!!!! haha, i was rewarded with a nice meal at cafe cartel. it's called hawiian meat lovers... haha.... treated my sis too, to sirlion steak! yay! after that, we went to motorola to repair my phone. it took such a long time!! i was watching mr bean cartoons!! so nice!!! haha...

ok, i'm officially very very broke!!! i spent about $150 on clothes and shoes!!! die! cannot buy anything more!! but i was very happy because i have not gone shopping for a long long time! really miss it... had a nice time with twin sis too! haha... such a bad influence, always asking me to buy lots of things!!!!

hiaz. crash! back to earth! i need to do my co law assignment soon! and i mean now!! good luck man!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

went to the gym at toa payoh safra with peishan yesterday!! i have not swam and exercise like real hard for ages already!! i think i exercised a bit far too much, cos my left knee was hurting real bad, where each step causes intense pain... i just went to sleep and this morning, i thought it was getting better... but when i was climbing the stairs, i almost got killed! haha... but it's getting better know, thankfully...

it was great meeting peishan! and of course, jonnathan... haha... it's great talking to u... really miss u lots!!!! and dear, your dear is very nice from the first impression! haha, take care k, we'll meet soon!!!

thanks yoke for treating me kfc dinner... really was very touched... u must take care too....

my students pass their practical exams for grade 3 and grade 5!! my first time! haha, and the grade 3 one got a merit! so happy! haha.... it gives me the confidence to pursue my secret dream... yay!! nothing can drown my mood... and i mean nothing!! haha...~!

yeah, must do work soon!!

Monday, September 25, 2006

hiaz. did real badly for acc quiz. 2 stupid mistakes. damn. hiaz. really quite down over it. why is it that when u have put in effort, and then, it turns out not what u hope for. i just want a pass, is it that difficult? hiaz. won't let it get it to me, i guess. what's done has already been done. but am feeling quite down about it. hiaz.

hady won singapore idol. even though my mum was rooting for jonathan, i was rather caught. hady clearly did better... well, see how it goes, it terms of the album sales. but i will buy hady's album... haha...

don't know why. perhaps, been alone too much, then those feelings will come back. i don't know why. everyone thinks the whole issue is done with. because, he's after someone, and everything is supposed to have ended with me. my feelings, the closeness. everything. i don't know what is expected of me. am i to stop talking abt it? i want to talk abt it, but perhaps, not talking abt it is the best thing. but nobody thinks i should, i don't know who to turn to. everyone just ask, u are alright with it right? and i say yes, because, that is exepected of me.

forgetting someone is not easy. coping with it is even harder. don't say that i can't because i don't want to. u are not in my shoes, u don't understand, and don't say it is. the only person i can talk to is someone i don't often see. hiaz. everyone just says he's a jerk, and then full-stop. don't talk abt it anymore. then, it's even worse, when he's everyone's good fren. u are suppose to say, yes, it's going very well. then smile, and say u are happy for them. in front of everyone, u can pretend. because when u do, u actually convince urself that things are okay. but who are u to kid, back at home, when u are alone, u feel real lousy. but then, u have to tell urself, things are over, u are not supposed to talk abt it, because nobody wants to hear. it's killing u somehow, but u have to cope with it.

weakness. i'm just human being. i can't do things at once, expect things to turn out fine. hiaz. helpless to all these.

i don't understand, how can u do that to me? when u should, u didn't, when u shouldn't u did it, so perfectly clean. have u ever wondered how it all seem to me? all those crap abt frenship. why does everyone see u for what u present. why they don't ever wonder at how u treat me. why? i think i know the ans. but i'm too afraid to type it down. hiaz. i'm just like any other person. in all your guys fun and laughter, i'm also just someone, who get hurt. i tried my best. and i don't know how long will it take. i got to remind myself time and time again, everything meant nothing. i must, otherwise, how am i to achieve it. tell me, tell me?

hiaz. i'm just down. quiz. this stupid thing. hiaz.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

i went to watch forbidden city yesterday! it was great, as expected. however, sometimes, i think singaporeans do take the term try to be liberal abit too literally. there are some areas as compared to the previous time, which were quite crude, and i was rather shocked by it. it marred the show a little. overall, did enjoy it! kit chan was great!!! i was in the front area, so can see the faces quite clearly... which is really not bad at all, as compared to the previous time... haha... had a nice time yesterday... went to asian kitchen for dinner, a place i've never been to before... not bad...

was talking with the guys, jy and ym... and i realise something, why bother so much about other things, when, tangible assets are the most precious of all. right now, what is concrete is what we can see and touch. the rest are just intangibles, which will hurt u no matter what. spare urself the hurt, by not actually going into those areas until ur tangible assets can override and comfort u when the intangibles hurt u. sometimes, i can't and refuse to lose anymore of what i already have. i'm gonna focus with what i can achieve and what i can do. i have spent too much of my time musing over things that don't matter. hearing others talk abt their dreams and plans, make me realise that i can do it too. i will.

i still stand by my point that people are practical. they always are. once they see u have no value to them, they just throw u aside, like some garbage. since it is so easy for one to throw the other away, i can do it too. it's really a simple act, take u by the arms, and toss it all away. it used to hurt really bad, now, there's just emptiness, nothingness. i have mastered the act of neutrality, or perhaps, it really is a simple case of, it's really nothing. there's nothing left in me, to give, to take. whatever, time will really tell....

have lots of projects these days. hiaz. good luck!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

change is the only constant. how true is that? before i address this question, i must say, i should be studying for my acc2, but, i really am feeling quite down, sad, or rather thinking alot, and i really wanna say what i feel...

i didn't expect many things. for one, i didn't expect our friendship to distance so much with the "intrusion" of someone. we used to talk abt almost anything, with time on our side, however, now, i gotta pick out things to tell u, in the event that i don't have time to tell u, or even have the opportunity to tell u. hiaz... it is necessary. i did forsee, just that the impact and extent of, was unexpected.... perhaps, i need to get really used to it. i really really miss u alot dear....

i really want to forget everything. in my heart, u are still there. why? i question alot abt this, i don't want u to be there. i want u to go away, far far away. i understand everything now, that it's impossible. i don't wish for anything, i don't hanker after anything. but my heart refuses to listen. do u know how much it is costing me? i want my friends to be happy, that's why i don't say anything. does it matter if i do? it doesn't matter, because, this whole issue is already settled. but why oh why, whenever i see u, i sense sadness. i can't help it. why are ppl so practical? why am i replaced so fast? the honesty of that word, replacement, is just so cutting. u don't need me anymore, simple as that. it is so different now, so so different. is that all to it? our friendship?

changes are necessary. u feel sad, but u do derive some happy points from it.

i'm focused now for my studies, if i want to, and most of the time, i can, even if my results doesn't show. i try my best.

i'm better friends with ppl i never thought could be. also thankful for that.

but why is it so often than not that we sink lower into our negative thoughts. my heart aches, the tears fall freely... i rub them away fiercely. is it because i miss u. and i can't talk abt u to u.

the issue should have been settled and covered in dust. i don't feel very good all the time, can someone tell me what to do? i am at a loss. hiaz. many questions with no ans.

okay, i have wasted enough time already. i should study. pls let me pass well...

Friday, September 15, 2006

life's really very interesting. how do u define strength and weakness? in my moment of weakness, i let tears come down. in my strength, i discovered that i can accomplish quite a number of things. lately, have been feeling rather happy, in the sense that i am happy with the current situation. sch life, friends, nothing that is weighing me down that much. perhaps, the feeling that i'm not doing enough with sch work, having inadequate discipline and with coming quizzes.... really need to put in much effort to uderstand the readings!!! yesterday's quiz was quite terrible. just hope that i did not get that much mistakes so that i can get a satisfactory grade relatively easy in the end. i can hope can't i?

was just starting to really think abt things lately too. don't know the reason why, as there's not really much to think abt... hiaz... sometimes, i wonder why do i like to make lilfe difficult for myself. i know it's not really good to think abt things, but when one is alone, u can't help but really think abt things really in depth... then, tears do actually fall down. i don't see the point in talking abt things, but a moment of weakness do happen. it really does.

hurt. how do u define hurt? is it when some little things have a negative impact on u, or when the hurt is so deep that the wound can never be healed? i don't have an answer yet, but i have one that i do know. what's the point? i always question. to talk abt things that has no point at all. and, sometimes, u don't want it to matter. it matters, alot. but u have to think in a holistic environment and view. it matters to u, but to others, does it? then, what is the point really? hiaz. u tell me?

tiring to think. tiring to manage. tiring to question. accept things, live life. that's the way it is.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

i realise that i have not been talking much abt schwork, how am i coping and such. i happen to chance upon a fren's blog and realise that is what he's been talking abt. haha, perhaps, i should give some insights into it as it is the most important thing in my life right now, i guess. i have been putting effort into doing my tutorials i guess, listening and absorbing as compared to staring at the lecturers. right now, it's not bad, still understand most modules. the most terrifying one is accounting 2 as usual. i'm quite scared of it, because conceptual wise, still not that strong, and that, i don't really have time to do tutorial. haha, that's really my fault, cram 2 tutorials consecutively... really must plan better next sem! and i promise to complete it! the quiz is coming and i hope i do relatively alright! so many things to hand in!!

feeling physically tired nowadays... mentally is quite strong, i think? will want to finish my tutorials despite wanting to go to sleep many times... haha... and the thing is, when i'm tired, i really don't feel like doing anything!! aargh!!! damn!! i just go online and play lots of games!! like now... haha.... that's why, should not even go online in the first place?

just want to write short phrases here, titled, the wallpaper

the whole room, it is covering
empty, not a single space is
teddy bears, aeroplanes, flowers,
pictures of
all the time, it should be colourful.

shouting, the coat of painting beneath it seems to be
heard, to be.
chance, can it get?
to portray, that is what she wants.

left out, a corner has been
she has been waiting for, is it the opportunity?
should she?
flowers, teddy bears, aeroplanes,
or should she just fade in with?

conclusion, she has come to
river, she shall flow with
find the answers, she may
to be the wallpaper, or coat of paint.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

sometimes, i don't know what people want from me. i thought this is the best thing i can do and present to people, but apparently, it isn't. i'm confused, i act nochalant, yet people want to talk abt it. i became ignorant, yet, people don't want me to. i assume this is what everyone wants me to be, yet, it isn't so. then, what is it? i should stop assuming? yes, i do agree that i do too much of assumption making, i cause myself too much misery in any sense, but it's mine. do u understand? it's mine. i may sound like i want to indulge myself in misery. don't be mad, who wants to unhappy. oh my, u have no idea how much i tried to pull myself out of this stupid thing, u have absloutely no idea. u tell me to approach u if there's anything, oh, come on, what can u do? it's all so easy for u to say, it's all so easy for u to think it helps. this is an individual challenge, if i don't help myself, i have to depend on u forever? is that it?

what the hell, i'm sick of everyone acting like there's something wrong with me. don't get me wrong, i do appreciate the concern, i really do. however, i'm not a small girl anymore, the more everyone try to protect by hiding, the more i find it hard to deal with. i be ignorant, nochalant, and that is not what u want. what do u want me to do? and it hurts, when i know it's over, and i can't talk abt it, because it's over already. sometimes, i do wonder if i'm trying to create something, but that is seriously not the person i am. i see all of u guys everyday, i have to pretend that everything's fine when i'm not suppose to know a freaking thing?! yeah. if u can do it, so can i right, let's all pretend.

the problem is created by us. yeah, by us. damn, i don't understand u know. all these things. why is there the need to do all these. telling me things through ppl. i believe it's up to me to decide whether i can protect myself yeah? i do appreciate the concern, yet the more i see it, why? protectionism, yeah, whatever. and guess what, i found out that what i thought i told in confidences were told to him. yeah, it was very surprising. what the hell. actually, i'm not pissed, but really really surprised. hiaz. what can i expect right, these things do happen.

i'm really sorry for doubting a good fren of mine. i was wrong and i apologise, sometimes, people tend to believe the worse, it actually makes everything seem better? there's a lot more that we could have talked abt, is there a need? U say there is, u always do. But tell me, is there? In the end, all of us will forget everything, u will in a while. I will bear witness to it. I hope u are happy with the way things are now. Because, I am, and I will deal with it my own way.

U say I have a serious problem and I do not think u have a right to make any judgement. Perhaps, to u, it’s just a simple task of telling a fren what’s wrong, wanting the best for me. I see it as an insult, it’s who I am, the way I am is because of how am I brought up, and u have no right to make any judgement on it. Yeah, I say it’s my problem, it is. Whatever. We do not owe each other anything. U have moved on, I have, and I really hope that we do not have to talk abt this anymore. Help me by helping yourself. There’s nothing wrong with me.

Thank you everyone for coming along this journey with me. It’s over.

Monday, September 04, 2006

secrets. what are secrets? secrets are things that people tell one another, without intending for a third party to hear. i'm quite scared of them, because i have a tendency to open my big mouth. but i will not, because, i do want to be deemed as trustworthy. i tell my friends things because they are my friends, but i realise that things somehow don't work that way. i'm gonna try...

hiaz, i'm feeling quite sad at how things turn out between 2 people. for once, i'm not talking abt myself. haha, i do realise that i like to talk abt myself quite a bit, but it's my blog. anyway, i don't understand why things have to go to the point of no-return. at least, he didn't lie to u, why do u have to stop being friends with him? what a mess... no matter what, it's good to have more friends than lesser, since, he's good friends with u to start with i guess. but different people have different ways of thoughts...

the feelings of anger have subsided within me substiantially. i don't feel anything right now. to clarify, i didn't mean to provoke anything. i have already passed the point of that. just that, friends, i don't know. people always say, maintaining friendship is very important. but is it any cause for someone to lie at all? don't know. if it's fine, then it is. i still stand by my reasoning of not tampering or lying of feelings. it's actually one's emotions at stake. pls don't ever do that to me, it's really scary....

haven't been really keeping in contact with people much. gonna start trying. perhaps, the hols are so long that i have been meeting up with ppl. suddenly, it's cut, that i'm not really used to it. but glad that my sis and i are alright now. and that, i look forward to more peaceful days. there's nothing that i want more or any lesser. thank God....

Friday, September 01, 2006

i have a couple of committments, projects, presentations, other stuffs. that's why didn't blog for quite some time. i also don't really know how to blog, what to blog. i have been dealt with quite a nasty shock and i don't know how to deal with it. all in all, i have faced human nature at the very worst possible senario, situation. i have never thought that i will come to face with this situation. never.

i don't understand why. why u want to make a fool out of me? does it give u great satisfaction to have some degree of power over me, because u know u have a hold over me. i was wavering between moving forward or just stay the way it is. u have the answer already and u knew. yet u kept quiet. is that how u should treat a fren? u made me unable to move on. and u gave different versions of your part to me and another. why? am i so terrible that u see that i can be made a fool out of. why? am i so unapproachable that u want to lie to me? why? frenship. u selfish jerk. u want that. yet u made me so foolish. so distracted. damn it. why? why? why?

i have stopped wondering at why already. i do wonder, how can u lie to me so blatantly in the face? i really do see you at the lowest possible. u are someone infront of me, yet another behind me. i was just a joke to u. a problem. a damn freaking problem. i hate being ppl's problem, yet i am... a joke, a problem, that's how i am. i'm not even near the friendship word that u see it fine to lie to me. u played me, simple as that. led me on a wild goose chase. i was a willing player, and u played me beautifully like a flute.

life is so easily spelt out. u are making use of me. damn. and i let u. i trusted no one but myself, defended u. and yet, u are just that low. betrayal, that is the feeling. since u have made use of me, it's relatively easy to do the same too. u taught me that, remember. the day u decided to make a fool out of me, the day u decided that protecting your own feelings is much more important than anything else, the day u decided that i was just a problem, a joke, is the day u realise that life will often turn out not the way u want it. i believe in God, and i believe that u will get your retribution one day. u lied. that's it.

i'm really very tired. i don't feel that much anger or anything. injustice. played. like a fool. trust in u? save it. i can't anymore. like what the heck, like u care?

everyone ard me is like so far away. hiaz.

glad for family...

i miss many ppl.... hiaz

many stuff to do... good luck...