back from a visit to the dentist... got my retainers... hiaz, thought that i can be free from anything from my mouth, yet, i have to put to plastic things in my mouth again... sianz... have to live with it for another 2 years... aargh!!! why?? it's ok, it's just very troublesome, have to take it in and out... hiaz...
mad i am, nowadays... always singing in the morning... haha, it's a good form of release i guess, otherwise, i'll get mad one day, solving all the issues that i have in me... sometimes, i think it's better we don't have to think abt things, make all of us miserable for nothing.... hiaz... live in my own world, yeah, isn't it better? haha, no hatred, no sadness, no quarrels, nothing... but inner peace... it's not difficult to achieve that, and i have not yet... hopefully, all of us can achieve it one day...
maple is up and running, but pretty screwed... hope that all will be well at night.... yupz, going off soon le... hiaz, almost everyone online is down... and they have to tell me... sigh, now, i have to think of ways to cheer them up... ok lar, that's me... kk, going off to bathe le...
oh, yar, yoke's back!!! no more boring online chats le... well, i'm bias lar, jia ying is pretty nice to talk to, cos we are mapling... crapz... can go out le!! unless, she's gonna abandon me soon, and go off... haha...
going for a wedding dinner tomorrow.. hope my twin sis goes with me, otherwise it'll be boring, with uncles and aunties, which i have nothing to say to them... not being arrogant or anything, just factual... haha... i need to bathe now...
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
stupid issue
i'm getting sick of chatting with u online... seriously, getting v sick... yeah, so, i'm gonna avoid u like a plague... whatever lar... come on, when u ask a question, and i evade, that means i don't wanna give u the answer... and u have to "force" it out of me... how dumb can u be? yeah, and it's getting irritating... so, i'm gonna ignore u... simple as that... it's a simple case of human communication... ignorance will be given to u if u give it back to the person... so there!
hiaz, maple is undergoing this expansion thing.... sianz... i hope we don't have to download another patch... it's kind of sucky, time consuming to download it... anyway, they are gonna take one whole day to "expand", so no maple for a day... gonna start watching tv then!!! hiaz, spending too much time in front of the computer is a bad thing... need to go out, get some life... it's kind of frustrating how life at home becomes too comfortable, in the sense that one will not feel like going out at all.. yea, like a big fat couch potato... and i haven start running yet... hiaz....
i really don't know what to say abt this... except that, i remember my aunty told me abt hatred, and that it's not good to have this vengence in one person... she was saying that she changed alot, that she is not taking things for granted at all... yea, i don't know what u r doing... punishing me? ironic isn't it? why do ppl like to have this vendetta in them? the point in me saying this is, let go... yea, let go, u be a better person... don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that u r not a good person, just that u'll truly feel better inside... hiaz... this issue has been ongoing for the past few years... i believe co-existence is possible... let it go...
hiaz... it really takes 2 hands to clap isn't it? anything that happens, it's really the fault of both? either we don't understand each other, or the simple truth that we don't talk abt things? either way, i don't like one to be presumptous, passing judgment on others... i believe that only God can pass on His judgement to us... so, isn't it rather myopic and ridiculous? i mean, who are u to judge? anyway, that's just me... the world will be so much better, without one trying to judge another, without one imposing their will on others, where one will consider others... yea, trying to be profound, perhaps, not succeeding, just that, that's really what i think... internal peace, it's not easy to achieve... hope everyone can have it...
making the first move as usual... no reprociation from the other side as usual... life goes on... there's much more important things in life, yar? then this? yupz! see how... that's what i do anyway....
life goes on!!
hiaz, maple is undergoing this expansion thing.... sianz... i hope we don't have to download another patch... it's kind of sucky, time consuming to download it... anyway, they are gonna take one whole day to "expand", so no maple for a day... gonna start watching tv then!!! hiaz, spending too much time in front of the computer is a bad thing... need to go out, get some life... it's kind of frustrating how life at home becomes too comfortable, in the sense that one will not feel like going out at all.. yea, like a big fat couch potato... and i haven start running yet... hiaz....
i really don't know what to say abt this... except that, i remember my aunty told me abt hatred, and that it's not good to have this vengence in one person... she was saying that she changed alot, that she is not taking things for granted at all... yea, i don't know what u r doing... punishing me? ironic isn't it? why do ppl like to have this vendetta in them? the point in me saying this is, let go... yea, let go, u be a better person... don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that u r not a good person, just that u'll truly feel better inside... hiaz... this issue has been ongoing for the past few years... i believe co-existence is possible... let it go...
hiaz... it really takes 2 hands to clap isn't it? anything that happens, it's really the fault of both? either we don't understand each other, or the simple truth that we don't talk abt things? either way, i don't like one to be presumptous, passing judgment on others... i believe that only God can pass on His judgement to us... so, isn't it rather myopic and ridiculous? i mean, who are u to judge? anyway, that's just me... the world will be so much better, without one trying to judge another, without one imposing their will on others, where one will consider others... yea, trying to be profound, perhaps, not succeeding, just that, that's really what i think... internal peace, it's not easy to achieve... hope everyone can have it...
making the first move as usual... no reprociation from the other side as usual... life goes on... there's much more important things in life, yar? then this? yupz! see how... that's what i do anyway....
life goes on!!
Saturday, November 26, 2005
not a very nice day
1. empathy
2. respect for others
3. don't take things for granted
2 main themes of my entry today.... it takes one who have shown it to be able to say it... whatever, it's been happening many times, guess that i would not change in either the short or long run...
went town today with my sis... well, i was dressed rather... ahem... feel abit out of place in town... have this feeling of wanting to run away... and my shoes were wrong, my legs were hurting like shit... well, it's alright... everything is alright in the end...
i'm not a nice person... haha... yes, i'm a hypocrite... who isn't? it takes one to admit that they are... esp, if another keeps calling u one... well, i don't mind... that's the way i am... yeah, i deserve everything that happens to me, know rite, what i do to others, will eventually haunt me in the end... karma... then, the question, why don't i change? u can say i'm looking towards the light of inspiration, that someday, somehow, someone will understand why i choose to do this... why am i like this... why do i behave this way... why i like/dislike this... it's not easy, i know... and the thing is, why do i also get others, then they don't get me... it's infuriating... yes, partly my fault, i don't share readily... hiaz... life's so confusing... aargh!!
trying to maple... why why why!!!!
2. respect for others
3. don't take things for granted
2 main themes of my entry today.... it takes one who have shown it to be able to say it... whatever, it's been happening many times, guess that i would not change in either the short or long run...
went town today with my sis... well, i was dressed rather... ahem... feel abit out of place in town... have this feeling of wanting to run away... and my shoes were wrong, my legs were hurting like shit... well, it's alright... everything is alright in the end...
i'm not a nice person... haha... yes, i'm a hypocrite... who isn't? it takes one to admit that they are... esp, if another keeps calling u one... well, i don't mind... that's the way i am... yeah, i deserve everything that happens to me, know rite, what i do to others, will eventually haunt me in the end... karma... then, the question, why don't i change? u can say i'm looking towards the light of inspiration, that someday, somehow, someone will understand why i choose to do this... why am i like this... why do i behave this way... why i like/dislike this... it's not easy, i know... and the thing is, why do i also get others, then they don't get me... it's infuriating... yes, partly my fault, i don't share readily... hiaz... life's so confusing... aargh!!
trying to maple... why why why!!!!
aargh!!!! maple!!!!
damn maple!!! i've been trying to download, and all it does is to cancel out on me... disconnect like nobody's shit... my temper's real frayed... aargh!!! i just want to maple, why is that so difficult?? shit man... aargh!!!!!!!
ok, that's all the update i have... please, let this method work...
ok, that's all the update i have... please, let this method work...
Thursday, November 24, 2005
grandma's bday lunch
went for my maternal grandma's bday lunch today... it's an international buffet lunch, where there are many different types of foods!!! fondue.... oysters.... mmm.... many many more... haha, really ate my fill!!!! even though the day did not start out well, minor spat by a petty woman, the lunch went on well...
went shopping with my aunties and cousins after that... even though i did not feel like shopping... it's because my cousins are coming along with us.... kids being kids, when they are together, there's no discipline at all, noisy and very hard to care for... i was very irritated, and will start scolding ppl.... resulting in my bad mood... hiaz, how am i gonna discipline and care for my kids if i do have any... i don't even feel like disciplining them... what if they turn out not well? haha, thinking too far? yeah... nothing to do, so will think alot... it also sorta deters me from wanting to start a family, if i have the fortune... i mean, caring for another human being, it's seriously very difficult, there's many things i can't do, freedom will be restricted... haha, thinking much too much... haha....
didn't bought anything today... planned not to anyway.... hiaz, abt to fall asleep, can't maple, because i can't download!!! and the stupid connection keeps breaking!! pls, don't do this to me!! have me download in peace!!!!
went shopping with my aunties and cousins after that... even though i did not feel like shopping... it's because my cousins are coming along with us.... kids being kids, when they are together, there's no discipline at all, noisy and very hard to care for... i was very irritated, and will start scolding ppl.... resulting in my bad mood... hiaz, how am i gonna discipline and care for my kids if i do have any... i don't even feel like disciplining them... what if they turn out not well? haha, thinking too far? yeah... nothing to do, so will think alot... it also sorta deters me from wanting to start a family, if i have the fortune... i mean, caring for another human being, it's seriously very difficult, there's many things i can't do, freedom will be restricted... haha, thinking much too much... haha....
didn't bought anything today... planned not to anyway.... hiaz, abt to fall asleep, can't maple, because i can't download!!! and the stupid connection keeps breaking!! pls, don't do this to me!! have me download in peace!!!!
harry potter: the goblet of fire
went to watch harry potter today!!! omg!!! cedric is so shuai!!! seriously, but he's abit skinny... haha.... think this show is not bad, the effects are damn nice!! but it's a bit long.... perhaps, not used to seeing such long shows in a long time... so, it's a little draggy for me... a little too much focus on harry though.... i prefer more details, even if it's 2 movies, esp rita skeeter and transfiguration, not much of it.... hiaz.... quite a pity... emma watson is damn pretty!!! haha, i can't wait for the next one!!!
hmm... waiting for maple to download... hopefully, it doesn't screw up on me.... hiaz, thought that i can lvl up by tonight.... oh, and i played solitaire with jh... haha.... at least, i can win... quite funny... cos, he's quite intense.... i think.... anyway, nothing to do, means doing rubbish things... haha....
i hate childish ppl... perhaps, the word childish has to be redefined... well, it's in my own dictionary... hiaz... go figure....
having buffet lunch tmr!! hope nothing goes wrong!! good luck to us!!
hmm... waiting for maple to download... hopefully, it doesn't screw up on me.... hiaz, thought that i can lvl up by tonight.... oh, and i played solitaire with jh... haha.... at least, i can win... quite funny... cos, he's quite intense.... i think.... anyway, nothing to do, means doing rubbish things... haha....
i hate childish ppl... perhaps, the word childish has to be redefined... well, it's in my own dictionary... hiaz... go figure....
having buffet lunch tmr!! hope nothing goes wrong!! good luck to us!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
just like heaven
22/11/05
went to watch just like heaven today!!! omg, i can't make it!! really love these romantic comedies!!! it's abt this doc, who died, on the way to meet her blind date... her name's elizabeth... then, this guy, his name is david, rented her apartment... apparently, his wife died 2 years ago.... elizabeth is sort of trapped in the time zone, as she's in a coma, only david can hear and see her... they set out on a quest to find elizabeth's true identity... in the process, they fell in love and helped themselves...
23/11/05
as u can see from the date, i was trying to blog... but was caught up in mapling.... anyway, the show is so sweet!!! and romantic!!!!! haha, my pathetic life actually thinks such shows are nice... don't care, really like this can of shows... it gives me a unrealistic picture of love, which in my opinion is good!!! at least i can have nice day dreams....
anyway, i'm gonna go watch harry potter later.... mapling right now, as usual... i removed my braces yesterday!!!! my teeth looks a little fake though... haha... it feels strange without my braces, but i shall have to get used to it... yay!!! after so long... finally!!!!
hmm, i don't know why i always think that we are experiencing is very minor and unimportant, compared to what is happening around the world, like starvation, nuclear crisis... so, whenever there's family quarrels, like within my aunts and all, i think it's very childish and stupid... in the end, we youngsters have to solve it, because they ask us too... in addition, whatever that goes wrong, it's our fault again... sianz... so, i seldom feel nor care much, because it's really childish, stupid and mindless... similarly, when my parents scold me for stupid reasons, or blow up, i don't even bother... come on, i make a mistake, i get it, scold for what? i don't get angry easily... good or bad? haha, i guess it takes a lot for me to feel then... i mean, it's really stupid to get angry over things that don't matter at all... i think i should feel more... but i don't really want to, because, in the end, my opinions don't even matter and i'll get hurt... so, in a nutshell, why bother? haha, heck le....
going to maple now... yay!
went to watch just like heaven today!!! omg, i can't make it!! really love these romantic comedies!!! it's abt this doc, who died, on the way to meet her blind date... her name's elizabeth... then, this guy, his name is david, rented her apartment... apparently, his wife died 2 years ago.... elizabeth is sort of trapped in the time zone, as she's in a coma, only david can hear and see her... they set out on a quest to find elizabeth's true identity... in the process, they fell in love and helped themselves...
23/11/05
as u can see from the date, i was trying to blog... but was caught up in mapling.... anyway, the show is so sweet!!! and romantic!!!!! haha, my pathetic life actually thinks such shows are nice... don't care, really like this can of shows... it gives me a unrealistic picture of love, which in my opinion is good!!! at least i can have nice day dreams....
anyway, i'm gonna go watch harry potter later.... mapling right now, as usual... i removed my braces yesterday!!!! my teeth looks a little fake though... haha... it feels strange without my braces, but i shall have to get used to it... yay!!! after so long... finally!!!!
hmm, i don't know why i always think that we are experiencing is very minor and unimportant, compared to what is happening around the world, like starvation, nuclear crisis... so, whenever there's family quarrels, like within my aunts and all, i think it's very childish and stupid... in the end, we youngsters have to solve it, because they ask us too... in addition, whatever that goes wrong, it's our fault again... sianz... so, i seldom feel nor care much, because it's really childish, stupid and mindless... similarly, when my parents scold me for stupid reasons, or blow up, i don't even bother... come on, i make a mistake, i get it, scold for what? i don't get angry easily... good or bad? haha, i guess it takes a lot for me to feel then... i mean, it's really stupid to get angry over things that don't matter at all... i think i should feel more... but i don't really want to, because, in the end, my opinions don't even matter and i'll get hurt... so, in a nutshell, why bother? haha, heck le....
going to maple now... yay!
Monday, November 21, 2005
monday lights!!!!!
something went wrong with my keyboard yesterday!!! all the letters came out as words... i was renedered helpless, i can't login to maple, and all the other things!!! aargh!!! i was quite desperate.... after an hour or so, i remembered suddenly what i've done in IT class... i went to restore the system... haha... that worked!! yay!!! ok, dumb...
news update: i got married!! haha, crap... in maple land.... my dear is a jap guy.... full of crap too... haha, at least it beats boring lone training... yeah, oh, i found an aqua surfboard!! limited collection!!! yay! first time that i went to find something for a collection, i actually found it!! gonna help my sis to find... hiaz... so many people looking for surfboards... it's boring... nevertheless, i shall try!!!
life's pretty good now.... gonna go out soon... so that my online activities will be greatly reduced... don't wanna stay at home for too long, because it will become a bad habit... which will cause me to hate going out.... well, it's not that good, because it will take a lot to drag me out... hermit crab rite? haha....
the whether suxs... always gloomy and loomy... it sorta dampens my mood for jogging... speaking of jogging, i'm gonna start soon!!! wish me luck!!!!
quite a crappy entry... well, will write more when the mood arrives... it's off to mapling now!!!
news update: i got married!! haha, crap... in maple land.... my dear is a jap guy.... full of crap too... haha, at least it beats boring lone training... yeah, oh, i found an aqua surfboard!! limited collection!!! yay! first time that i went to find something for a collection, i actually found it!! gonna help my sis to find... hiaz... so many people looking for surfboards... it's boring... nevertheless, i shall try!!!
life's pretty good now.... gonna go out soon... so that my online activities will be greatly reduced... don't wanna stay at home for too long, because it will become a bad habit... which will cause me to hate going out.... well, it's not that good, because it will take a lot to drag me out... hermit crab rite? haha....
the whether suxs... always gloomy and loomy... it sorta dampens my mood for jogging... speaking of jogging, i'm gonna start soon!!! wish me luck!!!!
quite a crappy entry... well, will write more when the mood arrives... it's off to mapling now!!!
Saturday, November 19, 2005
a boring saturday
back from piano teaching... hmm, my two new students, well, the eldest one, i don't know whether is it the kids of the current... they are quite full of themselves, which is a little irritating, and i'm not sure what to teach, cos, i've not seen the pieces yet... aargh!! a little pai seh, then teach scales, which is boring and irritating... haha.... grade 5 and grade 3, a little intimidating, hope that i can manage... and the kid that i was bitching abt the other time? well, i think if it's under any other circumstances, we would have been best buds... haha, he's a really cute boy and all, just no interest in piano...
i've finished harry potter!!! all the hoo-har, it's seriously, quite a boring book in my opinion, nothing new added.... just going-ons abt voldemort, without any new insights... and who wants to know more abt the romances? which is so little... i mean, it's obviously a fantasy book, thus, why not have more adventures.... half-blood prince? haha... quite funny... anyway, glad that i got the chance to read the book.... yay!!
hiaz, don't even know what's wrong with me? keep seeing couples around me... sianz... don't get me wrong... i don't even find them revolting... just that, all the sweetness and such, erm, i couldn't help but wonder where does all that goes when the couple fights? or quarrels? haha, the morbid me as usual... nah, just old sourpuss making a lame dig at happy ppl...
haha, i'm happy right now, sorta, if u count mapling all day... i really have nothing much to do... kind of boring... anyway, it's the life that i don't mind at all... playing the piano, on the computer... life is good! but brain is not moving... haha... perhaps, should have some intellectual bloggings... yeah, might just do that in the next entry...
going mapling le... what's new? haha... hope everyone out there enjoys life!
i've finished harry potter!!! all the hoo-har, it's seriously, quite a boring book in my opinion, nothing new added.... just going-ons abt voldemort, without any new insights... and who wants to know more abt the romances? which is so little... i mean, it's obviously a fantasy book, thus, why not have more adventures.... half-blood prince? haha... quite funny... anyway, glad that i got the chance to read the book.... yay!!
hiaz, don't even know what's wrong with me? keep seeing couples around me... sianz... don't get me wrong... i don't even find them revolting... just that, all the sweetness and such, erm, i couldn't help but wonder where does all that goes when the couple fights? or quarrels? haha, the morbid me as usual... nah, just old sourpuss making a lame dig at happy ppl...
haha, i'm happy right now, sorta, if u count mapling all day... i really have nothing much to do... kind of boring... anyway, it's the life that i don't mind at all... playing the piano, on the computer... life is good! but brain is not moving... haha... perhaps, should have some intellectual bloggings... yeah, might just do that in the next entry...
going mapling le... what's new? haha... hope everyone out there enjoys life!
Friday, November 18, 2005
no one else comes close
hiaz... i have to teach piano tomorrow... it's not particulary attractive for me, because i just feel like slacking at home... haha, even though i have some income... sianz... an maple is becoming a bore... yes, i guess too much is just too much... usually, people love it when they can't get what they want.... like me, during the exams, i can't maple, so i welcome it... now they u have the luxury, u just don't treasure it at all... haha.. that's life isn't it...
are guys ego?? think so, they are more ego than gals ba... perhaps, it's cos i don't particularly interact with guys, don't really know them... haha... it's been a real eye-opener, u can say that... i really hope to find someone who really understands me... now, hmm, don't think it's the right time, anyway, there's no one either... the point i'm making is that, i hope all the gals out there can find a guy who really loves them for who they are... perhaps it's the NTU culture, that guys are like that? haha... (humourless laugh) whatever.... don't really bother le...
gal power!! all the way!!!
are guys ego?? think so, they are more ego than gals ba... perhaps, it's cos i don't particularly interact with guys, don't really know them... haha... it's been a real eye-opener, u can say that... i really hope to find someone who really understands me... now, hmm, don't think it's the right time, anyway, there's no one either... the point i'm making is that, i hope all the gals out there can find a guy who really loves them for who they are... perhaps it's the NTU culture, that guys are like that? haha... (humourless laugh) whatever.... don't really bother le...
gal power!! all the way!!!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
the exorcism of emily rose
i guess when u have been hit by alot of things... u be numb to many things.... my fren says that i'm too concerned... hmm, maybe, maybe not? it doesn't matter, i'm just gonna do abt my own things... and see how ba...
hmm, am gonna talk abt the exorcism of emily rose... k, firstly, it freaked me out... i don't usually watch movies to do with horror... cos it's all fake mah... the thing is, for this show, it's based on a real story, so, it has a huge impact on me, particularly to do with Christainty...
ok, here goes... it's abt this gal, emily rose who was possessed by the devil... however, to the medical field, she is deemed as being psycotic epilepsy.... nevertheless, her priest and her family, including herself believes her to be possessed by the demons... when she was possessed by the devil, she eats spiders, scratch the walls, do jumping jacks... it's real freaky... and when her body contorts, and the eyes, omg, it's just unbearable to look at...
what do i believe? i believe inGOD... and from the story, it seems that GOD wants her to tell the world that the spiritual realm actually exists.. hmm, it woke me up, sorta, that this actually happens...
hmm, i can't slp last night.. cos, i kept thinking abt the story... it freaked me out, yeeks!! haha... hope i can slp better...
oh, yar, him... haha... think that we will be good frens lar... yupz, that's it...
going mapling now...
hmm, am gonna talk abt the exorcism of emily rose... k, firstly, it freaked me out... i don't usually watch movies to do with horror... cos it's all fake mah... the thing is, for this show, it's based on a real story, so, it has a huge impact on me, particularly to do with Christainty...
ok, here goes... it's abt this gal, emily rose who was possessed by the devil... however, to the medical field, she is deemed as being psycotic epilepsy.... nevertheless, her priest and her family, including herself believes her to be possessed by the demons... when she was possessed by the devil, she eats spiders, scratch the walls, do jumping jacks... it's real freaky... and when her body contorts, and the eyes, omg, it's just unbearable to look at...
what do i believe? i believe inGOD... and from the story, it seems that GOD wants her to tell the world that the spiritual realm actually exists.. hmm, it woke me up, sorta, that this actually happens...
hmm, i can't slp last night.. cos, i kept thinking abt the story... it freaked me out, yeeks!! haha... hope i can slp better...
oh, yar, him... haha... think that we will be good frens lar... yupz, that's it...
going mapling now...
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
accpetance
perhaps, my family is just not meant to live in harmony... after so much things, i've come to accept it... i'm suppose to understand everyone... yes, I'M SUPPOSE TO UNDERSTAND EVERYONE.... nobody chooses to understand me.... why did it take me so long to get it? but does it matter, when the other party doesn't care? why do i shed so many tears? hiaz... she still thinks it's my fault... i really don't blame her... cos, i still think it's her fault that we don't get to talk... she thinks it's OK for me, that i don't think abt it? hmm... just that, we don't know each other ba... i am always the one trying... and i'm tired already... everytime, when there's a quarrel, i take the first step...
this time, i'm not even involved, i took the first step... with wide open arms... she shut the door in my face... i guess, everyone has their own limits... perhaps, i never get to understand her... well, i do... this may be presumptous, but i do... hmm, she chooses to think i don't... i don't blame her... people don't like to be understood.... i thought that all these while, it meant something... but it don't to her... i know it does, but she say doesn't, so i have to respect her wishes... the thing is, i've made this decision in my mind... won't say it out here, but i have already...
everything in life has to come to a closure... i will do what i want to do.... i'm a simple person... i yearn for simple things... i don't ask alot... i've accpeted that this is what God wants me to experience... he has his reasons... as long as i'm doing things within my conscious, i'll be fine.... perhaps, i'm just not meant to be understood... it's ok... i've accept things the way they are... it's ok... to lose a sister is painful, but i will always respect the other wishes... yes, i've hurt her, but she has hurt me too... i've open my doors, she has closed hers... i've really tried... i did...
yes, i've accepted it God... i'm meant to understand ppl, not the other way round... it's ok, i know and understand.... perhaps, the one mistake when i was young is back to haunt me, yes.... i know, it's called retribution.... i've accepted it....
this time, i'm not even involved, i took the first step... with wide open arms... she shut the door in my face... i guess, everyone has their own limits... perhaps, i never get to understand her... well, i do... this may be presumptous, but i do... hmm, she chooses to think i don't... i don't blame her... people don't like to be understood.... i thought that all these while, it meant something... but it don't to her... i know it does, but she say doesn't, so i have to respect her wishes... the thing is, i've made this decision in my mind... won't say it out here, but i have already...
everything in life has to come to a closure... i will do what i want to do.... i'm a simple person... i yearn for simple things... i don't ask alot... i've accpeted that this is what God wants me to experience... he has his reasons... as long as i'm doing things within my conscious, i'll be fine.... perhaps, i'm just not meant to be understood... it's ok... i've accept things the way they are... it's ok... to lose a sister is painful, but i will always respect the other wishes... yes, i've hurt her, but she has hurt me too... i've open my doors, she has closed hers... i've really tried... i did...
yes, i've accepted it God... i'm meant to understand ppl, not the other way round... it's ok, i know and understand.... perhaps, the one mistake when i was young is back to haunt me, yes.... i know, it's called retribution.... i've accepted it....
help me please
i'm troubled again... let me talk abt something first... yes, my younger sister... we've been getting along fine.... and the thing is, i'm careful abt being neutral, i don't want to spoil things... yes, since young, we have not been on good terms.... the thing is, i was young, we all are... and i feel that she's at fault, that's why, i did not talk to her for a long long time.... i can guess that she feels it's my fault too... well, i've been trying to make amends now... and i thought, we both have grown up, to be able to think rationally, but i was wrong... all that i've been trying to do was to be in the middle...
what's so wrong to be in the middle? there's nothing wrong, but alot of trouble... in the end, all the heart-pain is felt by the one in the middle.... and who cares in the end? the parties at the other end will just heck-care everything.... and what is ended up? me being screwed... most of the time, i don't mind doing more, if we can just live harmoniously... yes, that's a really ambitious thought rite? even if it's not possible, just let me love both? they are my sisters, i can't choose between either... can't they understand? i'm trying to be neutral... and i'm the one hurting.... i'm already trying, when is it that in the end, i'm the one at fault? so i'm gonna get screwed?
it's easy to say, just don't care abt everything... try living in my shoes..... i can't complain nor choose where i was born, but i believe i can make the best out of it.... please, i don't want to keep on crying.... please... help me....
what's so wrong to be in the middle? there's nothing wrong, but alot of trouble... in the end, all the heart-pain is felt by the one in the middle.... and who cares in the end? the parties at the other end will just heck-care everything.... and what is ended up? me being screwed... most of the time, i don't mind doing more, if we can just live harmoniously... yes, that's a really ambitious thought rite? even if it's not possible, just let me love both? they are my sisters, i can't choose between either... can't they understand? i'm trying to be neutral... and i'm the one hurting.... i'm already trying, when is it that in the end, i'm the one at fault? so i'm gonna get screwed?
it's easy to say, just don't care abt everything... try living in my shoes..... i can't complain nor choose where i was born, but i believe i can make the best out of it.... please, i don't want to keep on crying.... please... help me....
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
over!
today's my last paper!!!! i should be v happy or relieved... the thing is, my feeling is the same as when i have no exams at all? or rather, i know that the cycle will begin again, once the hols are over... sianz... i should look on the brighter side rite? i know, the thing is, i'm feeling alot of emptiness inside me... dunno why.... just don't want to feel too much, i guess.... aargh!!!!!!
econs, i really hope i get a decent grade, despite being blur over some questions... please, let me get at least 2As, even though, my studying is quite shit...
hiaz... over le, don't really wanna talk abt it...
went with yoke all over school today, trying to get the application for the exchange program done in NUS... hiaz, then we discover we have to get the particular module approved and not just anything... it's rather sianz.... we shall see lar...
hmm.... gonna go maple le... yay!
econs, i really hope i get a decent grade, despite being blur over some questions... please, let me get at least 2As, even though, my studying is quite shit...
hiaz... over le, don't really wanna talk abt it...
went with yoke all over school today, trying to get the application for the exchange program done in NUS... hiaz, then we discover we have to get the particular module approved and not just anything... it's rather sianz.... we shall see lar...
hmm.... gonna go maple le... yay!
Monday, November 14, 2005
last paper tmr!
yes, i'm actually blogging abt 12 hrs piror to my econs paper tmr... i really hope i don't do badly, even if i do, i really deserve it.... nothing seems to go in, not by the fault of anyone but myself ba... can't seem to concentrate... reading and not absorbing anything... it's really bad... i should put in more effort, but i have no motivation... that's a poor excuse for anything, since i have not even touch my notes properly... hope that i can finish everything by tonight and touch it one more time tmr... aargh!!
i have lots of things to blog abt yesterday, but then, after that incident, i was quite disturbed... aargh!! so, i have sorta forgotten to blog... in addition, i was sorta bombarded with questions when i came online, so lost the mood le... haha, it's not really important... i also don't know why i wanna come online... the main reason is to talk to yoke, other than that, online has lost it's meaning for me....
was reading this article in the newpaper abt this teacher blogger who was blasted for her blog... she accidentally forgot hide her identity as her blog was the "hot" kind.... i still stand by my opinion that my blog is for all to read, yes, and i do make my identity quite obvious... from now on, not gonna put any other names, as it may be used against mine... yes, i have blog abt many personal stuff, stuff that others may see... i don't mind, as i have made the decision long again... and that, if they do want to read and know how i feel, good for them... it's my blog, and i really do not mind if others do want to see it.... i'm not an exhibitionist... and the people who knows me know it... so, other than that, i don't really care abt strangers reading my blog...
hmm... abt him, yes... i have not seen him for a long time, yes, and i do dread seeing him.... i'm afraid that what i have sufficiently subdued my appear again.... yes, i know i'm quite bad, in the sense that, i got a feeling he thinks i like him... well, whatever, i am not bothering anymore... just that, well, i can send really personal msgs too.... heck care... yes, i don't wanna come online and chat with him anymore, tmr it's the last time, chat with yoke before she leaves... hiaz... the whole thing is really quite stupid and in a mess... well, i created this problem and i'm gonna solve this problem too.... it's really infruating to like someone, well, i do admit, i have developed a good and strong feeling towards him.. yeah, and i can stop it...
perhaps, that is why i have not be feeling anything for all my papers... cos, i'm not trying to feel anything... is that good or bad? got a feeling that i'm entering my unfeeling mode... don't really want it, but it's coming and i can't stop it... haiz...
good luck to me for econs paper, i really need it!
i have lots of things to blog abt yesterday, but then, after that incident, i was quite disturbed... aargh!! so, i have sorta forgotten to blog... in addition, i was sorta bombarded with questions when i came online, so lost the mood le... haha, it's not really important... i also don't know why i wanna come online... the main reason is to talk to yoke, other than that, online has lost it's meaning for me....
was reading this article in the newpaper abt this teacher blogger who was blasted for her blog... she accidentally forgot hide her identity as her blog was the "hot" kind.... i still stand by my opinion that my blog is for all to read, yes, and i do make my identity quite obvious... from now on, not gonna put any other names, as it may be used against mine... yes, i have blog abt many personal stuff, stuff that others may see... i don't mind, as i have made the decision long again... and that, if they do want to read and know how i feel, good for them... it's my blog, and i really do not mind if others do want to see it.... i'm not an exhibitionist... and the people who knows me know it... so, other than that, i don't really care abt strangers reading my blog...
hmm... abt him, yes... i have not seen him for a long time, yes, and i do dread seeing him.... i'm afraid that what i have sufficiently subdued my appear again.... yes, i know i'm quite bad, in the sense that, i got a feeling he thinks i like him... well, whatever, i am not bothering anymore... just that, well, i can send really personal msgs too.... heck care... yes, i don't wanna come online and chat with him anymore, tmr it's the last time, chat with yoke before she leaves... hiaz... the whole thing is really quite stupid and in a mess... well, i created this problem and i'm gonna solve this problem too.... it's really infruating to like someone, well, i do admit, i have developed a good and strong feeling towards him.. yeah, and i can stop it...
perhaps, that is why i have not be feeling anything for all my papers... cos, i'm not trying to feel anything... is that good or bad? got a feeling that i'm entering my unfeeling mode... don't really want it, but it's coming and i can't stop it... haiz...
good luck to me for econs paper, i really need it!
Sunday, November 13, 2005
hiaz
yupz... my twin sis is angry with me... i don't blame her.... yupz, my younger sis called me that b4, and i was furious with her too... hiaz, what a mess.... and the thing is, i'm not allowed to get angry when my msgs has been looked into? hiaz.... i don't really wanna bother abt it anymore.... yeah, everyone's pissed.... why shld we dwell into it so much? i have long since to care, cos, i've been crying over everyone in my family before... that is not tantamount to anything, and i know it.... i have alot of burdens in me, and i can't share it with anyone, cos, i've tried before... anyway, i'm used to it... so, it's really ok...
once again, i'm really sorry.... take care all... good luck for my biz law tmr....
once again, i'm really sorry.... take care all... good luck for my biz law tmr....
Friday, November 11, 2005
my steely resolve will win
hiaz, i've forgotten what i wanted to type le.... had typed something yesterday, somehow it had gotten erased.... hmm, nvm... it's ok... haha....
i mpale till abt 2 last night.... it was w my fav party leader, magteo!!! haha... he was very nice, waiting for me to finish the other party and for me to fold clothes... haha... it was a very efficient PQ session, we kept getting in without having to wait!! cool!! i've lvled up le... hiaz... no more PQing for me.... got a feeling he's getting too nice... dunno, don't really wanna think too much... well, at least he kept asking me if i have a paper tmr... well, nice guy... think he was quite shocked when i asked him for his msn... well, so that it's easier to find him to train mah... took quite a bit to reply.... dotz... hiaz.... whatever lar.... maple, it's a place with nice guys..... actually, got more stuff to say, well his niceness... but then, don't think anyone wld understand what maple is... haha... so there....
hmm.... actually, i didn't want to come online last night... wanted to send the biz law to yoke by email... haha, but she msged me, so i came and talk to her... hmm, he took quite a long time to approach me.... the thing is, it's getting a bit too stuffy for me.... i really need to breathe.... and i don't have a habit of coming online, just appearing offline... and i'm gonna revert back to my old habit... let me live in the virtual world of maple... seriously, i don't mind at all... the reality is quite hard to grasp and understand... let me live in my 2D character.... it's better.... well, yar, i can't lie to myself either rite?
ok, seriously, i don't understand why u have to talk to me everynight? it's, i don't know... yeah, u ask abt me, which was quite unexpected of u... hmm, but i really don't wanna go down the path of torturing myself with questions of ur motives and what-nots.... so, yar, fine... anyway, not coming online anymore, so, i don't have to guess, and think.... yar, it's better this way.... well, even if there's something, it's too late le... i don't wanna go through this anymore... once it's enough... yar, so, from now on, we lead separate lives..... it's the hols too... all the better.... well, perhaps, all of u might think i'm mad, for having such thoughts.... well, if a guy keeps talking to u everytime u come online, and acts as though it's his right to talk to u, and for u to reply, u will be wondering what's wrong too.... perhaps, i've been replying, tt's why.... but the thing is, i can't not not reply... get it? whatever.... i'm stubborn, and my steely resolve will win....
i'm gonna stop lying to myself too... all my papers are crap, and i know it... and i still have dreams to get A? hiaz... i have no expectations... whatever... just that i'm suppose to be studying for econs right now.... IT, hmm.... don't even know if my last question is right or not... but i've done my best.... hopefully, it's not as bad as it is... yeah, gonna mug hard now, so that when i maple, i don't feel too much guilt...
hmm.... really, last time i'm gonna talk abt u.... my determination will win over....
ricky martin & christina aguilera - nobody wants to be lonely
Ricky:Why, why, why
Christina:Oh ooh ohh
Ricky:There you are, in a darkened room
And you're all alone, looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
Christina:In the shadows
Ricky:Come to come, come to me
Both:Can't you see that
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body's longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (ooh ohh yeah), why (oh why), why
Christina:Ooh ooh, yeah
Can you hear my voice, do you hear my song
It's a seranade, so your heart can find me, ohh
And suddenly you're flying down the stairs
Into my arms, baby, ohh
Ricky:Before I start going crazy
Christina:Going crazy, ohh
Ricky:Run to me
Christina:Run to me
Both:Cause I'm dying...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (I don't wanna cry)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why
Christina:Why, why don't you let me love you
Ricky:I wanna feel you need me
Christina:Feel you need me
Ricky:Just like the air you're breathing
Christina:Breathing, I need you here in my life
Both:Don't walk away, don't walk away
Don't walk alway, don't walk away
No, no, no, no...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry...yeah yeah
Nobody wants to be lonely (yeah ohh ooh)
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry)
My body's longing to hold you (is longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (hurts inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Let me love you...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry...)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (so hurt inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (why), let me love you
Why don't you let me love you
Why, love you, let me love you
Why (why)
i mpale till abt 2 last night.... it was w my fav party leader, magteo!!! haha... he was very nice, waiting for me to finish the other party and for me to fold clothes... haha... it was a very efficient PQ session, we kept getting in without having to wait!! cool!! i've lvled up le... hiaz... no more PQing for me.... got a feeling he's getting too nice... dunno, don't really wanna think too much... well, at least he kept asking me if i have a paper tmr... well, nice guy... think he was quite shocked when i asked him for his msn... well, so that it's easier to find him to train mah... took quite a bit to reply.... dotz... hiaz.... whatever lar.... maple, it's a place with nice guys..... actually, got more stuff to say, well his niceness... but then, don't think anyone wld understand what maple is... haha... so there....
hmm.... actually, i didn't want to come online last night... wanted to send the biz law to yoke by email... haha, but she msged me, so i came and talk to her... hmm, he took quite a long time to approach me.... the thing is, it's getting a bit too stuffy for me.... i really need to breathe.... and i don't have a habit of coming online, just appearing offline... and i'm gonna revert back to my old habit... let me live in the virtual world of maple... seriously, i don't mind at all... the reality is quite hard to grasp and understand... let me live in my 2D character.... it's better.... well, yar, i can't lie to myself either rite?
ok, seriously, i don't understand why u have to talk to me everynight? it's, i don't know... yeah, u ask abt me, which was quite unexpected of u... hmm, but i really don't wanna go down the path of torturing myself with questions of ur motives and what-nots.... so, yar, fine... anyway, not coming online anymore, so, i don't have to guess, and think.... yar, it's better this way.... well, even if there's something, it's too late le... i don't wanna go through this anymore... once it's enough... yar, so, from now on, we lead separate lives..... it's the hols too... all the better.... well, perhaps, all of u might think i'm mad, for having such thoughts.... well, if a guy keeps talking to u everytime u come online, and acts as though it's his right to talk to u, and for u to reply, u will be wondering what's wrong too.... perhaps, i've been replying, tt's why.... but the thing is, i can't not not reply... get it? whatever.... i'm stubborn, and my steely resolve will win....
i'm gonna stop lying to myself too... all my papers are crap, and i know it... and i still have dreams to get A? hiaz... i have no expectations... whatever... just that i'm suppose to be studying for econs right now.... IT, hmm.... don't even know if my last question is right or not... but i've done my best.... hopefully, it's not as bad as it is... yeah, gonna mug hard now, so that when i maple, i don't feel too much guilt...
hmm.... really, last time i'm gonna talk abt u.... my determination will win over....
ricky martin & christina aguilera - nobody wants to be lonely
Ricky:Why, why, why
Christina:Oh ooh ohh
Ricky:There you are, in a darkened room
And you're all alone, looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
Christina:In the shadows
Ricky:Come to come, come to me
Both:Can't you see that
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body's longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (ooh ohh yeah), why (oh why), why
Christina:Ooh ooh, yeah
Can you hear my voice, do you hear my song
It's a seranade, so your heart can find me, ohh
And suddenly you're flying down the stairs
Into my arms, baby, ohh
Ricky:Before I start going crazy
Christina:Going crazy, ohh
Ricky:Run to me
Christina:Run to me
Both:Cause I'm dying...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (I don't wanna cry)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why
Christina:Why, why don't you let me love you
Ricky:I wanna feel you need me
Christina:Feel you need me
Ricky:Just like the air you're breathing
Christina:Breathing, I need you here in my life
Both:Don't walk away, don't walk away
Don't walk alway, don't walk away
No, no, no, no...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry...yeah yeah
Nobody wants to be lonely (yeah ohh ooh)
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry)
My body's longing to hold you (is longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (hurts inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Let me love you...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry...)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (so hurt inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (why), let me love you
Why don't you let me love you
Why, love you, let me love you
Why (why)
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
sianz
i'm acutally mapling admist my studying of IT... and if i do badly, it'll be nobody's fault but mine... guess what, maple is having a server maintainence now, so it seems that i really have to study... the thing is, i don't even know what i'm studying.... do i memorise? or do i just read through? looking at the past year papers, it seems like there's nothing much to memorise, in the sense that what u study, u can't apply... it's rather what u know... perhaps, that is why i'm so distracted... hiaz.... gonna study now
feel like playing the piano now... i know there's no link... but just feel like playing it now... sianz... i really have to study... i have not even finished half the book....
hmm, coming online now is rather scary for me... cos, i wanna chat with ppl, yet i don't wanna chat with u... cos, i don't even know what u want from me... i know, nothing is the answer, and the only answer.. it's not bad, i mean, i don't even mind... the thing is, i can't help but be troubled... it's really unfair... always talk abt ur life... i mean, frens do communicate and share right? so, i'm not being paranoid, i just can't stand talking to egos anymore, particularly egos like u... yes, i wanna avoid u by not coming online... but the thing is, i wanna chat with others too... yeah, ignore u online... tt's cool... but the thing is, i can't ignore ppl lar... it's difficult... so, i have to learn... hiaz... sianz.... this kind of shit thing...
exams will be over soon! yay!
feel like playing the piano now... i know there's no link... but just feel like playing it now... sianz... i really have to study... i have not even finished half the book....
hmm, coming online now is rather scary for me... cos, i wanna chat with ppl, yet i don't wanna chat with u... cos, i don't even know what u want from me... i know, nothing is the answer, and the only answer.. it's not bad, i mean, i don't even mind... the thing is, i can't help but be troubled... it's really unfair... always talk abt ur life... i mean, frens do communicate and share right? so, i'm not being paranoid, i just can't stand talking to egos anymore, particularly egos like u... yes, i wanna avoid u by not coming online... but the thing is, i wanna chat with others too... yeah, ignore u online... tt's cool... but the thing is, i can't ignore ppl lar... it's difficult... so, i have to learn... hiaz... sianz.... this kind of shit thing...
exams will be over soon! yay!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
OB is over!
i'm sick! hiaz... think my sis pass it to me... bad flu, with a weird feeling in my throat... hiaz... quite bad, as my eyes are teary, so when i wipe it, it hurts... hmm... i hope i get better by tmr... cos, i really have no mood to study right now... when i look at the book.... it blurs a little.... and my nose... aargh!! u get the picture... haha...
OB was quite bad today.... i really regretted doing that stupid qn 2, o/w i most prob cld have finish the paper... quite sad lar, don't even have time to attempt the question.... it seems like everyone is experiencing the same thing... so hopefully, i don't do that badly... it's really over le... good!
dunno why, i feel numb abt most papers... i know i shld feel sad, down, anything... the thing is, i don't feel a thing.... was talking to yoke on the train abt the paper... i feel like i'm watching myself talk abt the paper... it's quite sad in the sense that i don't feel a thing.... is it because i didn't study enough or? i know that i want to do well for the paper... i really hope i can get an A, but still don't wanna feel for it... perhaps, it makes it more real....
have u ever wonder what sort of persona u wanna portray wherever u go? dunno whether persona is the right word... forgot what i learnt in lit le... anyway, sometimes, for the sake of having a conversation, i would just talk of something again and again... and that even though, i know that i'm not that kind of person, i would talk the same thing to the person again and again... weird huh? it's funny yet i don't really know.... i really don't wanna be that kind of person yet i am... and online, it's hard to discern the real u and the unreal u... appearance vs reality... why does that sound so real? and farmiliar...
yeah, he's been appraoching me everytime he comes online... it's becoming a permanent thing... nothing wrong with that? i am not sure too... see how it goes lar... i mean, i don't even approach u... and it's getting clingy and i feel used in a way, as in we are not that close... why must i always chat with u? k, perhaps, i'm reading too much into it... so, see how... it's just, i don't like the feeling of being used....
that's all... pls take care everyone...
OB was quite bad today.... i really regretted doing that stupid qn 2, o/w i most prob cld have finish the paper... quite sad lar, don't even have time to attempt the question.... it seems like everyone is experiencing the same thing... so hopefully, i don't do that badly... it's really over le... good!
dunno why, i feel numb abt most papers... i know i shld feel sad, down, anything... the thing is, i don't feel a thing.... was talking to yoke on the train abt the paper... i feel like i'm watching myself talk abt the paper... it's quite sad in the sense that i don't feel a thing.... is it because i didn't study enough or? i know that i want to do well for the paper... i really hope i can get an A, but still don't wanna feel for it... perhaps, it makes it more real....
have u ever wonder what sort of persona u wanna portray wherever u go? dunno whether persona is the right word... forgot what i learnt in lit le... anyway, sometimes, for the sake of having a conversation, i would just talk of something again and again... and that even though, i know that i'm not that kind of person, i would talk the same thing to the person again and again... weird huh? it's funny yet i don't really know.... i really don't wanna be that kind of person yet i am... and online, it's hard to discern the real u and the unreal u... appearance vs reality... why does that sound so real? and farmiliar...
yeah, he's been appraoching me everytime he comes online... it's becoming a permanent thing... nothing wrong with that? i am not sure too... see how it goes lar... i mean, i don't even approach u... and it's getting clingy and i feel used in a way, as in we are not that close... why must i always chat with u? k, perhaps, i'm reading too much into it... so, see how... it's just, i don't like the feeling of being used....
that's all... pls take care everyone...
Sunday, November 06, 2005
food for thought
suddenly, i feel like blogging... has been resisting the temptation to blog, because i don't wanna talk abt u.... was reading my frens' blog, and suddenly got the inspiration to blog... told myself that i wld not come online, because, i really need to study!! and i hope i can study finish, and if i don't, it'll really be my fault and no one....
i guess many of us thrive on being different.... i'm no exception... the thing is, does it matter that much? i have stopped thinking of being different for a long time, perhaps, sub-consciously, it's always there... it suddenly popped out to me, that some ppl are trying to be different purposely.... hmm, there's nothing wrong, i guess, it makes ppl unique... the point is, does it matter now? as in, being different? it gives us and edge over others.... but the thing is, why must everyone strive to make a difference that is really not meaningful at all... i'm just trying to say, i want to make a meaningful difference in ppl's life, because, i'm too self-absorbed in mine..... i have no direction yet... but i will find it soon...
hmm... sometimes, i refuse to believe all of us are really different in the society that we live in... because, we are all human beings.... that's a stupid thought, and i know it... hiaz.... all of us indulfe in self-pity, it only depends on the degree of it.... i used to do that, and it saddens me most of the time... as in, i derive pleasure in a morbid way... nah, i'm not trying to say that we shld not self-pity, it's just my point of view... i have stopped doing that for quite some time too... perhaps, due to the lesser stress environment i have now... is it good?
yoke says i delude myself... i don't deny it.... hmm.... i have done that many times, it numbs me, because i don't have to feel.... i forced myself to feel this way, mainly because of frenships in sch... and now, family... the thing is, it's more difficult to do that now... cos, i don't even know whether u know it or not... sometimes, ur words really hurt me, and i find it hard to be honest with u sometimes.... i know that i have nothing to hide, and i know that our frenship can withstand it, but sometimes, it's really difficult, because i have to strike a balance between appearing too self-absorbing.... and i don't want to... because, i want to be there for u too.... hmm.... this has been eating inside me for a long time, and i don't confront it because i don't want to feel the hurt...
yes, deluding can lessen the hurt in some ways.... that's why i choose to do it... by not caring about a lot of things, u can really lead a better life? that's not good, but perhaps, it's just my way of coping with things...
yes, when i don't come online, its because i want to see whether i am truly into u or not... i guess, by deluding myself, i can numb the feelings considerably... yes, u r the one who always approach me, because, i don't want to be seen as a kpo perosn... the thing is, i'm not... and i still stand by my stand that u r an ego-manic.... i mean, u r always talking abt urself, and i see that as a means to amuse myself then.... but then, i can't help but be touched in a way that u actually remember to share something with me, tt is a week ago... yes, i'm touched that easily... the thing is, i don't want to feel that much.... and it's helping me when u started to think i'm a KPO... sad to say, i really have to thank u for that.... yes, good luck to me... soon, u will be nothing but dust....
hiaz, i hafta to go back and mug le.... i hope that i really can get an A for OBD... i will!!!! try my best!!!!
i guess many of us thrive on being different.... i'm no exception... the thing is, does it matter that much? i have stopped thinking of being different for a long time, perhaps, sub-consciously, it's always there... it suddenly popped out to me, that some ppl are trying to be different purposely.... hmm, there's nothing wrong, i guess, it makes ppl unique... the point is, does it matter now? as in, being different? it gives us and edge over others.... but the thing is, why must everyone strive to make a difference that is really not meaningful at all... i'm just trying to say, i want to make a meaningful difference in ppl's life, because, i'm too self-absorbed in mine..... i have no direction yet... but i will find it soon...
hmm... sometimes, i refuse to believe all of us are really different in the society that we live in... because, we are all human beings.... that's a stupid thought, and i know it... hiaz.... all of us indulfe in self-pity, it only depends on the degree of it.... i used to do that, and it saddens me most of the time... as in, i derive pleasure in a morbid way... nah, i'm not trying to say that we shld not self-pity, it's just my point of view... i have stopped doing that for quite some time too... perhaps, due to the lesser stress environment i have now... is it good?
yoke says i delude myself... i don't deny it.... hmm.... i have done that many times, it numbs me, because i don't have to feel.... i forced myself to feel this way, mainly because of frenships in sch... and now, family... the thing is, it's more difficult to do that now... cos, i don't even know whether u know it or not... sometimes, ur words really hurt me, and i find it hard to be honest with u sometimes.... i know that i have nothing to hide, and i know that our frenship can withstand it, but sometimes, it's really difficult, because i have to strike a balance between appearing too self-absorbing.... and i don't want to... because, i want to be there for u too.... hmm.... this has been eating inside me for a long time, and i don't confront it because i don't want to feel the hurt...
yes, deluding can lessen the hurt in some ways.... that's why i choose to do it... by not caring about a lot of things, u can really lead a better life? that's not good, but perhaps, it's just my way of coping with things...
yes, when i don't come online, its because i want to see whether i am truly into u or not... i guess, by deluding myself, i can numb the feelings considerably... yes, u r the one who always approach me, because, i don't want to be seen as a kpo perosn... the thing is, i'm not... and i still stand by my stand that u r an ego-manic.... i mean, u r always talking abt urself, and i see that as a means to amuse myself then.... but then, i can't help but be touched in a way that u actually remember to share something with me, tt is a week ago... yes, i'm touched that easily... the thing is, i don't want to feel that much.... and it's helping me when u started to think i'm a KPO... sad to say, i really have to thank u for that.... yes, good luck to me... soon, u will be nothing but dust....
hiaz, i hafta to go back and mug le.... i hope that i really can get an A for OBD... i will!!!! try my best!!!!
Saturday, November 05, 2005
You're Most Like The Season Winter ...
You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.
Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)
?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Friday, November 04, 2005
pissed
here i am again.... yeah... i'm gonna scold ppl now... so right, if anyone who can't take it, don't read on... muhaha....
yeah, was chatting with him yesterday... and the thing is, he was the one who initiated the conversation... so, i answer lor... then, he started telling me abt his stuff... so, i replied... and after that, we somehow were talking abt unrequited affections... and he has to ask me what that means... so, of course, naturally, i just ask rite... the thing is, when u r having a msn chat with someone, and he initiates the conversation, the natural thing is to chat rite... so, he started telling me abt his unrequited affections with this gal... so, i just ask along... and he was like, wah, u best arh, know so much stuff abt me... i'm like, come on... i did not use a fucking gun at ur head.... to ask u to tell me... u are the one who answered mah... there's frens, closer than u... who can actually tell me if they don't wanna talk abt it... and u have the cheek to say that i'm kpo... ask a lot of questions... wtf, go get a life... egoistic-manic... come on, u r the one who wants to chat, so i just ask... and i'm kpo.... yar, i so much want to know abt ur pathetic life... and u say it's a good investment for a frenship... fuck off alright....
yeah, i'm pissed... yeah... u are not like my super close frens... and i do actually know what guys and gals chat online when they don't fucking mean a single thing to one another... u have crossed the boundary.... perhaps, tt's not ur intention... the thing is, i don't care.... just that, don't expect me to cater to u whenever u come online... wtf, i'm not even remotely that close to u.... go and get a life..... whatever... and don't start pouring me with ur stories.... my ears need a clean wash.... get a life
and the thing is, revenge is so sweet... 2 can play the game... muhahah
yeah, was chatting with him yesterday... and the thing is, he was the one who initiated the conversation... so, i answer lor... then, he started telling me abt his stuff... so, i replied... and after that, we somehow were talking abt unrequited affections... and he has to ask me what that means... so, of course, naturally, i just ask rite... the thing is, when u r having a msn chat with someone, and he initiates the conversation, the natural thing is to chat rite... so, he started telling me abt his unrequited affections with this gal... so, i just ask along... and he was like, wah, u best arh, know so much stuff abt me... i'm like, come on... i did not use a fucking gun at ur head.... to ask u to tell me... u are the one who answered mah... there's frens, closer than u... who can actually tell me if they don't wanna talk abt it... and u have the cheek to say that i'm kpo... ask a lot of questions... wtf, go get a life... egoistic-manic... come on, u r the one who wants to chat, so i just ask... and i'm kpo.... yar, i so much want to know abt ur pathetic life... and u say it's a good investment for a frenship... fuck off alright....
yeah, i'm pissed... yeah... u are not like my super close frens... and i do actually know what guys and gals chat online when they don't fucking mean a single thing to one another... u have crossed the boundary.... perhaps, tt's not ur intention... the thing is, i don't care.... just that, don't expect me to cater to u whenever u come online... wtf, i'm not even remotely that close to u.... go and get a life..... whatever... and don't start pouring me with ur stories.... my ears need a clean wash.... get a life
and the thing is, revenge is so sweet... 2 can play the game... muhahah
Thursday, November 03, 2005
him again
yeah... i'm supposed to be mugging for my econs.... but i fell asleep... haha.... it's quite funny actually, i was already so on le... but then.... i just fell asleep....
i had fun mapling last night!!! was doing party quests with this grp of 3 frens... they were NTU graduates.... think from NBS too... they were pretty funny.... didn't know they were frens initially, until, yar, when we started chatting.... they were like, the ages of us added together could get us our CPF $$$.... perhaps, it was the fact that i was the highest lvl one... can dictate them mah... cos, they were like quite blur.... anyway, it was one of the nicest and funniest PQ i ever had.... never had such an enjoyable time!!! the leader was like, hey zaney, nice time PQing with u... i'm like, same same....!!! i PQed until 2am... hiaz... didn't take note of the time.... hopefully, can meet them again....
well, online games can numb me in the sense that i can forget abt a lot of things at that point in time... it's a nice break from the realities i have to face.... yeah, him.... i think i know perfectly when the boundaries are crossed... u don't send me that kind of msg and act as though nothing has happened... alright, say that i'm reading too much into it.... then, aren't u taking me for granted... that i can put up with anything that u give me.... most of it ambiguity.... well, let's say that there is really nothing going on between us... and that we are frens.... then, i can very safely say that for members of the opp sex, esp. frens, we are not that close for u to send me such a msg.... i am rational.... i'm not creating something out of nothing...
yeah.... u went to watch tv, after i've given u the biz law model ans... wtf.... i can't help but think that u r making use of me.... whatever.... alright, u r not, and i just shld not get angry, because, it's unfair for me to place any expectations on u... fine, i'm not... and the thing is, u shld not.... fine... i find it discerning that u r tracking my movement online... that disturbs me... really, it does... ok, so i'm suppose to say like, yar, frens, yar, they are like, wah, u don't come online.... i mean, yoke and i don't do that....??!! hello?? i'm pissed, because i'm starting to feel that i'm being made used of.... perhaps, if i go along this line, it's easier to pretend that u r just a regular guy who is paranoid of the competition that i might pose to u.... hiaz... whatever lar.... i just want to get on with my life.... i don't want another mz situation... i can't take it... frens, yar, tt's really easy... just act like it.... thank you....
hmm.... going back to studying le.... good luck to me... mugging at sch tmr~~!! yay!!!!
i had fun mapling last night!!! was doing party quests with this grp of 3 frens... they were NTU graduates.... think from NBS too... they were pretty funny.... didn't know they were frens initially, until, yar, when we started chatting.... they were like, the ages of us added together could get us our CPF $$$.... perhaps, it was the fact that i was the highest lvl one... can dictate them mah... cos, they were like quite blur.... anyway, it was one of the nicest and funniest PQ i ever had.... never had such an enjoyable time!!! the leader was like, hey zaney, nice time PQing with u... i'm like, same same....!!! i PQed until 2am... hiaz... didn't take note of the time.... hopefully, can meet them again....
well, online games can numb me in the sense that i can forget abt a lot of things at that point in time... it's a nice break from the realities i have to face.... yeah, him.... i think i know perfectly when the boundaries are crossed... u don't send me that kind of msg and act as though nothing has happened... alright, say that i'm reading too much into it.... then, aren't u taking me for granted... that i can put up with anything that u give me.... most of it ambiguity.... well, let's say that there is really nothing going on between us... and that we are frens.... then, i can very safely say that for members of the opp sex, esp. frens, we are not that close for u to send me such a msg.... i am rational.... i'm not creating something out of nothing...
yeah.... u went to watch tv, after i've given u the biz law model ans... wtf.... i can't help but think that u r making use of me.... whatever.... alright, u r not, and i just shld not get angry, because, it's unfair for me to place any expectations on u... fine, i'm not... and the thing is, u shld not.... fine... i find it discerning that u r tracking my movement online... that disturbs me... really, it does... ok, so i'm suppose to say like, yar, frens, yar, they are like, wah, u don't come online.... i mean, yoke and i don't do that....??!! hello?? i'm pissed, because i'm starting to feel that i'm being made used of.... perhaps, if i go along this line, it's easier to pretend that u r just a regular guy who is paranoid of the competition that i might pose to u.... hiaz... whatever lar.... i just want to get on with my life.... i don't want another mz situation... i can't take it... frens, yar, tt's really easy... just act like it.... thank you....
hmm.... going back to studying le.... good luck to me... mugging at sch tmr~~!! yay!!!!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
1st paper!
i just had my first paper... boy, was it exciting... my right hand has been under utilised for so long... had never written for 2.5 hrs straight for a long time... the last time was during the "A"s... haha... hmm.... i know how much i had studied lar... so, i know what i know and what i don't.... the thing is, i didn't finish one question.... didn't plan my time very well.... by the looks of it, so many people left the hall so early, i hope the standard is such that i can get an A.... i can pray lar... hope... but the thing is, i'm realistic... i know that a B is possible... anything higher, it's kindness on his part ba....
glad for yoke!! hope she gets and A!!!
hmm... he msged me.... i'm happy yet cautious lar... i don't really know the meaning of anything.... just that perhaps, there's no meaning at all.... so, should not think so much....
gonna maple now... gonna be an assassin soon!! yay!!
glad for yoke!! hope she gets and A!!!
hmm... he msged me.... i'm happy yet cautious lar... i don't really know the meaning of anything.... just that perhaps, there's no meaning at all.... so, should not think so much....
gonna maple now... gonna be an assassin soon!! yay!!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
PA tomorrow... good luck... to me...
seriously, i think i'm going paranoid.... i need to talk to someone who is calm right now, and i guess, it's not easy to find someone going through what i am going through and remain calm... cos, i have so many things like not studied yet... not really, or rather, i seem to have forgotten what i have studied the days before... that is really sucky... and the thing is i seem to have mixed up the things i've memorised... i don't know which is worse... study so much, only to be mixed up or forgotten or not study at all...
i guess the answer is starring right into my face.... better to have study...
hiaz.... whatever lar... it's just that i don't wanna do badly for this paper... of course, i wanna get an A, at the worse, a B, i dun want a C.... aargh!!!!! i should have study earlier, and it's too late for regrets, so i'm not gonna regret anything... just that i hope i do still remember and not mix up what i have studied.... help!!
and i have never come online for so many times during the exam period... this is real bad... cos, it's a habit for me now to come online.... help!!!!! hiaz... back to studying ... i wanna finish everything by tonight, so that i can revise tmr!!!!
jia you everyone! and that, yoke, relax... i know u know that u have done ur best le... ignore external factors... just ignore them!!!
i guess the answer is starring right into my face.... better to have study...
hiaz.... whatever lar... it's just that i don't wanna do badly for this paper... of course, i wanna get an A, at the worse, a B, i dun want a C.... aargh!!!!! i should have study earlier, and it's too late for regrets, so i'm not gonna regret anything... just that i hope i do still remember and not mix up what i have studied.... help!!
and i have never come online for so many times during the exam period... this is real bad... cos, it's a habit for me now to come online.... help!!!!! hiaz... back to studying ... i wanna finish everything by tonight, so that i can revise tmr!!!!
jia you everyone! and that, yoke, relax... i know u know that u have done ur best le... ignore external factors... just ignore them!!!
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