feels great

haha... left school at ten with joanne today... met ruth on the way and had a nice chat with her... she's a nice person to talk to... didn't realise that her class is that fragmented... i guess, every class is different...

i feel weird today in school... ponning... i don't understand why some see it so "piss-off"... i guess, that they do not have the guts or... whatever lar... don't really bother... i just feel weird... it's as though everything has been spelt out straight and clear... i see things through this sheet of paper or mirror... something like that... i don't want anything to touch me... whatever lar... it's just me...

can't wait for tomorrow...

i love running... went for a run cum cycle yesterday... hasn't jog for about 2 weeks, sick and all... yeah, going running later!!

normal, i hope...

my outburst yesterday was a relief... i wanna thank all the people who express their concern... thanks a lot~!! i'm not targetting at anyone, just in general... anyway, maybe it's all in my imagination... just ignore me...

yesterday, on the way home from tuition, hwee min thinks i'm going mad... she asks me to take care... i will... no lar, i will be fine... i must be...

i dread going to school tomorrow... anyway, it's only one day... 2 hours... i can make it... then, it's back to the peaceful world that i crave for... yeah~!

i hate school life...

this is gonna be a bitching session... you've been warned... i don't care... whatever... maybe, perhaps, or it is my problem... well, it's my problem, if others can't handle it, it's MY problem...

i don't understand why people like to tell me others marks... do i care?? DO I?? well, never... i don't understand why must i tell u my results... it's my obligation... yes, i have a choice... i feel weird if i don't tell... it's like what do i have to hide... well, i don't understand this comparison thing... does it make people feel better to get the same marks as someone who always does well?? or, does it give people great satisfaction to see the "downfall" of someone... or, it helps to gloat at people... maybe, i've seen everything the wrong way (don't think so...) you know what, WHATEVER! i don't care... since it makes people happy, go ahead!!

while walking on the way out of school, i was overcome by this urge to just scream!! i wanted to shout out loud, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THIS WORLD?!" whatever... while crossing the road home, i saw a few cars coming towards me... i had this indescrible urge to just walk calmly into their paths... haha... the crazy thing is... i was thinking about my funeral, what would happen?? who would come?? who would cry?? all in a calm sort of way... maybe, that's why, i'm still sitting here... i have not lose my sense of logic... whatever...

u know what, i hate myself for thinking this way... about people and everything... it makes me seem like a selfish bitch... come to think of it... i am... i'm just thinking of my own feelings?? what the heck?? i'm always listening to people... i'm always the pillar of strength for people... family, friends... i look strong and determined... what the heck... i know, my friends do ask me what's wrong... i'm not that kind of person who blurts it all out... what's the point?? whatever... i need someone to talk to me... just three easy words... talk to me... whatever... i've given up on hope...

i miss sec 4 life... my friends have never ask me about my results... even if they do, it's just put of pure concern... whatever, some may feel sceptical about this... well, it's true... i hate the environment i'm in... everyone is so bent on performing, well... that's good... but, they are so self-absorbed to do well... it stinks... people are selfish... that's what nj is... it is... well, one piece of advice to the younsters, if u have a choice, don't come to jc... it sucks... survival of the fittest... u will see it in play... esp. nj, it sucks... everything is about results... results...

i feel so full of shit yesterday... well, partly, it's because of my maths mocks... to the world out there... i got a C... so, whoever feels glad that i got C, good for u... whoever wants to know... i got C.... to people who unwittingly got caught in my anger, i'm sorry... to friends who don't care, i'm sorry to sound so frustrated... i'm just arrogant... suddenly, i feel a sense of loss... i don't know who i am anymore... the things i'm supposedly good in, i'm not... i know, it's my fault... didn't study as hard as before... it happened to me before... i managed to crawl out of it... why does it seem so difficult now...?? WHY? i don't have the answer...

the only comfort i get now is away from sch... suddenly, even on the bus, everything seems so peaceful... i feel at peace OUT OF SCHOOL! nothing there appeals to me... nothing AT ALL, maybe the library with the books... everything just work out on itself... hiaz... school sucks!!!!!!

i guess, everyone feels the same... i don't know... i guess, i have to study hard... maybe i'm not doing as much as i should have done... i was just wondering what's it like to have a nervous breakdown... whether, i'm on the verge of one... whatever... it be fun though... nervous breakdown... haha...

don't feel like talking nowadays... why should i bother so much about people? they don't even notice if i'm down... now, i'm being surrounded by too many people to handle... it's just too much... so many internal feelings and subtle conflicts, it sucks.... i must make the effort to be who i am not... whatever... just whatever...

i'm sorry to sound so off and everything... i'm looking forward to the holidays and teachers day... will meet real people who care... if u feel offended by this entry, don't be... it's just the rantings of a mad woman...

thanks to ming zhong, hui qi and hwee min who make me feel better... one, for his sms... 2, for their smiles... thanks, i need it... promise to be there for u guys... just look for me... miss ya...

stepford wives

i want to thank everyone for their concern... i'm fine lah... just wanna let off steam... gp paper was fine... i hope... don't really wanna think about it... hmm... saw mrs tan today... i wanna thank her for being so nice and honest... i lack focus... met ms ng today... think she senses my sense of despair... says that we can work it out... lack of focus too... must put in more effort...

watch stepford wives today.... it was quite funny... the set was great... costumes, houses... wow... the houses were beautiful!! i enjoy it... once again, i left my water bottle in the cinema... what a wuzz i am... haha... that's all...

cya soon~!!

gp tomorrow... good luck to me...

thought that my com has spoilt... luckily... i'm still here... hmm... there's gp tomorrow... one of my most feared paper... u might be wondering why am i here?? haha, good question, i don't know... hmm... will go study later... my dear sis is on one of her projects again... my com time will once again be limited... that's kind of good... anyway...

i remember one of my entries was this house believes that crying is a sign of weaknesses... well, i did it again... i like to think that i'm stress-free... who am i kidding? why am i giving myself so much pressure? i was just thinking about the amount of studying i have to do... i was so overwhlemed that i could not control myself... i'm just afraid of not meeting the expectations... i haven't started studying either... i'm getting paranoid too... suddenly, people are meeting teachers, i'm getting paranoid by it... i hate myself for behaving this way... i just can't help it... that's totally not me...!!!

hiaz... my ponning plans next week has been twarted by dear ms ng... hiaz, nevertheless, still gonna try... hee!!

i'm gonna try to do my best for gp tomorrow... anyway, it's the prelims... gonna try my best... if it does not work out (touchwood), i can take comfort knowing that it's not the "A"s... just gonna try my best... hiaz... life sux right now...

gonna catch a movie tomorrow!! yeah!!

money matters

i hate money matters... it always brings out the worst in me, or best?? i shouldn't have said that... why did say it then? it's just that moment that i say it when i didn't mean it... now, i have to make things out of my own pocket... well, it's too late... i've always hated u... too bad, i have... u r nice... too nice... whatever, u like to think that everyone's in love with u... well, the thing is, wake up, girl... u sux... i hate u... go ahead and act innocent and well-liked... i hate u...

well, bitching... what's new?? sometimes, things are like that... well, who am i to complain?? i did it out of my own accord... whatever... i just have to forgone some of my pocket money... whatever...

miss jogging... haven't jog in like a week... been eating and eating... hiaz... whatever...

people are getting stressed... is it me or...? why can't people relax? i think that one can survive better with a clear state of mind...

gonna meet mrs tan about my gp essay... hopefully, i can perform to standard on thursday... gonna catch a movie after that!!!

another glimmer of hope lost...

hiaz... the mock maths is just highly unpredictable... hope that i don't fare too badly... amazingly, i was full of vigour during the lit marathon today... haha... went to causeway to buy hwee min's bday present... hope that she likes them~!! hiaz... it's sometimes the little things that u can see whether your friends really care for u...

my fren is so nice~!! he msg me all the match updates for li jia wei's match... some people, or i should say, friends just don't bother but sounded irritated... whatever... maybe it's pettiness on my part, but then, can't u just show some sincerity?? come on?? anyway, li jia wei lost.... hiaz... another dashed hope... anyway, she's playing for bronze... hope that she will not bow down to pressure... i really hope we can bring a medal home... it's damn close. the match... hiaz... pray for her~!! all the way~!!

had a nice talk with maly today... hope that she's not too stressful... take care, girl...

this song has beautiful lyrics...

craig david - you don't miss your water till the well runs dry

As I sail with you across the finest oceans
On a way to find the key to our emotions
Together we will move the clouds to brighter days
Some people question what I say
Try to break up you and me
But I know this love between us is growing stronger
You can call me whenever from wherever
Just remember that
I'll be there
Through all the stormy weather
Us break up never
No we'll be together
Forever

You don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry
But I believe so strongly in you and I
Can't somebody answer me the question why
You don't miss your water til the well runs dry

As I close my eyes
Sit back while reminiscing
Of when we used to fuss and fight but end up kissing
There may be sad and painful times along the way
But in my heart you'll always be everything and more to me
For I know this love between us is growing stronger
You can call me whenever from wherever
Just remember that
I'll be there
Through all the stormy weather
Us break up never
No we'll be together
Forever

You don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry
But I believe so strongly in you and I
Cant somebody answer me the question why
You don't miss your water til the well runs dry

For you are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
Girl you know that you
You are always
You are always on my mind
You are always forever

You don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry
But I believe so strongly in you and I
Cant somebody answer me the question why
You don't miss your water til the well runs dry

You don't miss your water girl no
But I believe so strongly in you and I yeah
Cant somebody answer me the question why
Cause you don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry yeah listen

If you ever get the feeling
You wanna play around starting cheating, remember
You don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry

thursdays torture~!!

shit! shit! shit! i've been gorging myself on food... better not mention what i've eaten... u will puke... what happened to my diet plan... rather not think about it... think it's the stress... whatever lah... maybe should stop making excuses~!! hiaz... oh, yeah~! forgot to mention that i've a wonderful time playing badminton on monday~!! haven't sweated so much while playing games in a long time...~!!

had history remedial with ms ng today~!! she is one heck of a lady who is full of surprises... this made me think of private vs. public... i think this theme reflects on her the best... i was jotting some stuff she had asked me too, suddenlt, she burst out into laughter and spoke something to someone... i was startled... she's usually a picture of stricture in front of her students... it's a rarity to see her make comments/jokes that are not sacarstic... she's one of a kind... maybe we shouldn't think that she's that intimidating... she can joke... haha... being lame...

hiaz... ms ng just said that i must take more... in other words, i'm not deep enough... she asks me to think deeper... haha.... guess, there's more work to be done... the work that i've done at 2 o'clock in the morning was out of focused... got a B... must get better~!! i like history~!! whatever lar...

think that everyone's getting more and more hardworking... it's seriously very scary!! hiaz... for my gp, it's getting worse with each passing day... i know that i have chosen the wrong question to do, yet still continue to do so, choose the wrong question... mrs tan wants to meet me... i actually told her i'm ponning on friday... she told me it's ok... i like her too~!! hmm... though, i think she's that kind of person who is so highly unpredictable that it's kind of her to decipher her character... haha... i guess, i have fun teachers~!!

have u ever wondered why do people who is capable of something just couldn't do it when faced with someone who's better at it?? it happened to me a number of times... i guess, i don't know, don't think it's lack of confidence, just that i have the knack of doing so... usually, i can speak english reasonably alright, but, when confronted with people who's better or a formal situation, i just flustered... don't know why... haha... hate this hopelessness...

i'm glad that i'm getting well with faith~!! i enjoy her company on thursday afternoons~!!

miss hui qi, hwee min...

miss yoke hing online...

just say that life sux with exams and schools~!!

a glimmer of gold

just caught ronald susilo playing against thailand... aargh~!! he seems to have lost fighting spirit... anyway, he's my new idol~!! how cool is he? beating the world's number one~!!! wow~!! haha~!! even though he lost, he's still the best~!!! yeah~!! i love the olympics... i can also take a rest and watch awhile before resuming my boring work... the work are piling up... whatever... i need a break~!!!

haha, joanne is so funny.... after we both agreed that the thai player is out to get dear susilo... she said that we should boycott tom yam soup... haha.... the radio has so many people saying stuff about susilo, he's our hero~!! yeah~!! ok, i guess, i'm making people puke out there...

hmm... i'm super pissed by derek lee on monday... during lecture, he dropped his ohp pen cap... so, concerned that his dear pen will dry up, i picked up the cap for him after much difficulty, being in an awkward position... then, he was standing right in front of me... so i wanted to give the cap back to him... he ignored me~!! the aduacity...~!! i mean, i was so obvious... then, my friend said that he might not have known... ok, let's give him the benefit of the doubt that he doesn't know that i'm picking his pen for him.... but then, it was so obvious that i'm returning something to him.... what is he doing by ignoring me?? acting cool... eat shit...

hiaz.... i'm just sick of everything... hmm... there's mock maths on saturaday~!! not going to school on monday... haha~!! so long...~!!

exhaustion

it's been 5 days since i've last blogged... hiaz... damn sch life... it's just so crammed and pact that there's no breathing space~!! i'm gonna be so screwed for my mock econs prelims today... whatever... i'm so damn tired nowadays... i wonder how am i gonna survive till the "A"s... as my maths tuition teacher said today... in college, u fail until u r so scared... come to think of it, it's probably true for most of us... hiaz... i really don't understand...

there's maths mock prelims next week... hiaz... i really hope i do substantially well... hiaz... gonna try to do my best... hopefully, i'm still alive next saturday... i hate being in a position of number 1... it's pressurising to a certain extent... hiaz... whatever...

i'm starting to gorge myself on food, not really caring about my damn weight... i usually gorge on food when i'm real tired... hiaz... i'm now... fell really fat and not caring, whatever...

lots of work as usual... what's new?? the atmosphere in school has really changed rather significantly, it's as though a storm is about to break out anytime... don't really like the tense atmosphere...

how do i avoid a person i dislike tremendously?? or shall i say hate?? is hate=dislike tremendously? it's rather difficult to define... let's just say i'm doing both... i'm being cold, hopefully, that person will just leave me alone... i'm selfish, maybe that person hates me too... i really don't care... i'm selfish that way. bother others like u always do.... whine like u always do... just get on my nerves... one day, if i explode because i'm tired, we'll have a shouting match, just say that you've been warned...

i hate myself for reverting to my bad habits of being in a black mood and giving people that look. it's my fault, but i just can't help it... i'm gonna try and stay cheerful...

celebrated hui qi's birthday yesterday... at a ripe age of 18. can watch movies with me finally~!

gonna play rollercoaster now... i need the break... hiaz... i miss you... really hope u msg me often... i like hope, even though sometimes fantasies are not good for the mind... i just dream then... really miss u... hope u feel the same way...

happy national day~!!

today, we celebrate singapore's birthday and wish that many prosperous years will come... today, i watched the first episode of singapore idol... today, i also witnessed the public humiliation of singaporeans who just want to show that they have guts.... today, i saw how fool's garden lemon tree is being made a fool of... haha.... quite a nice day...

just heard this on the radio... i love playing this song on the piano~!!

elton john & blue - sorry seems to be the hardest word

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there
What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
And sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

What do I do to make you love me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I do when lightning strikes me
What have I got to do
What have I got to do
When sorry seems to be the hardest word

everything

the purpose for this blogskin is to get in touch with my nature side... i really love flowers... hmm... i just adore everything with flowers~!! what shall i talk about?? nothing seems to be happening with my boring life... haha~!!

my dear aunty brought me to this really cheap place for dim sum... i really had my fill at thomson plaza... it's been quite awhile since i last visited that place... it brings back fond memories... it used to be my usual after-school hangout place during my primary school life... alas... that's the past... the place serves nice chinese food~!! my grandma went too~!! it's quite a nice, quiet day out... me and my sis bought this skirt from s & k... they are having a 30% off sale~!! it's quite a bargain... haha, my sis is sooo bad... she says how can i wear (that particular size)... haha, she likes her bottoms hip-hugging... usually, i can't wear s&k stuff... yeah~!!

something that ms chua said to me on thursday reminded me of how i lived my sec 4 life... i'm quite on good terms with my teachers in sec school... thus, during exams, i will try my best to perform, so that i will not disappoint the teachers... i'm like that mah... similarly, during lit tutorial, ms chua was asking who would study lit in the university... 2 gals raised up their hands... out of the blue, she turned to me and asked, "siim ann, are u studying lit in the u?" i was astounded~!! i mean, my lit is not fantastic... i replied, "erm, my lit is not good." she was like, "have faith in yourself!" she has this belief that i would perform well? most prob, because i like to contribute in class... now, i can't disappoint her, can i?? teachers have this effect on me... hiaz... anyway, if i'm driven by her, then i will do my best~!! like my econs tuition teacher, can't bear to disappoint him... shall do my best then~!!

i'm just thinking of friendships and selfishness... this may be because of my own friendship problems with my close friends... jealously is something that i can't really cope well with... 2 of my closest friends are in the same class which is quite close-knitted... there's nothing wrong with that, of course... it's just that whenever the opportunity arises (short day, etc) they will not hesitate to go out with their class... once, twice, i can bear... however, it's been happening on a regular basis... they do ask me where am i going when they meet me, but, what do u expect me to say?? don't go out with ur class?? i'm not that kind... i just don't want to feel that ostracise... it's just that they have bever thought of me... hiaz... nvm, it's just me pouring out my petty grievances...

sometimes, i wish the world will go my way for once, same with family too~!!

i prefer diana degarmo to fantasia, she sounds nicer on radio~!!

diana degarmo - dreams

Dreams are just dreams
When it's dark inside your head
And all it takes is a little help from you
You know it's true
That dreams are for real
When you see what I see
And you feel it too
We took the longest road
Just to make it harder
Let's do it all again
It only makes us stronger

[Chorus:]
DreamsI guess we're just made of dream
Nothin' else matters
As long as we believe
I'm lookin' at you
And I see my life
Passing before my eyes
And when the journey's over
And all my dreams come true
I'll dream of you

What do you see
When you look inside your heart
A little thought
Can walk a thousand miles
And change your life
When dreams lead the way
The impossible is suddenly in sight
Every step you take
Just brings it all together
You gotta keep the faith
When all seems lost forever

[Chorus:]
DreamsI guess we're just made of dream
Nothin' else matters
As long as we believe
I'm lookin' at you
And I see my life
Passing before my eyes
And when the journey's over
And all my dreams come true
I'll dream of you

You're the one
That keeps my hope alive
My vision clear
I'll spend my life with you
Conquer fear
We'll make it through

Nothin' else matters As long as we believe
I'm lookin' at you
And I see my life
Passing before my eyes
And when the journey's over
And all my dreams come true
I'll dream of you
I'll dream of you
I'll dream of you

he looks hot~!! i just love orlando bloom~!! 

private vs public

i'm rather disturbed by an incident today... this sets me thinking that appearance vs. self is an indeed complex thing... when someone has presented himself as this funny and joking kind of person, it is difficult to see u in another light... come to think of it, it's not others fault when others cannot see that u r not joking but being serious... then again, it's our fault that we couldn't differentiate between the right and wrong things to do after the performance... it's unfair though to impose your unhappiness upon others... hiaz... it's both parties fault... i pity u though, putting on this farcade (maybe it's just what u r), but then, having to be serious when others can't see it, then using physical force... it's a sad sad case... hiaz... scary though...

yeah, i've lost 1 kg... gonna work real hard to lose those extra pounds~!!

nothing much, just very tired...

the village...

it's been 3 days since i have last blogged... no choice, lots of work to do... sianz ahz... now, i'm currently trying not to think of the history tuitiorial that i have not done... hiaz...

monday was a half-day... considering that it was a half-day, i was have a mild day... went home to complete unfinished work... how exciting was that...

hmm... went to watch the village yesterday... it was a movie with a really really unexpected twist!! i emphasise the word unexpected... i mean, it really was totally unexpected...

yeah, there's only a quarter day on friday due to national day celebrations... yeah... my aunty is bringing me out for lunch... it's gonna be a blast... yeah, half day=no work... haha...

went to far east today with joanne and xiuwen, hmm... was supposed to be doing gp essay... u know the rest... hee~!! it was quite fun, got my starbucks coffee~!! yeah, just can't get enough of them~!!

just have a point to make... i really detest pampered offsprings... i know that everyone's pampered to a certain extent... however, it's quite irritating when someone starts to lean on u in almost everything... it's very irritating... u r being dependent on for everything... it reflects real bad on the person who is pampered... in addition, the person in question thinks that it is cute to act helpless, it's downright dumb and just plain irritating... i really admire the person who can put up with it... really...

gonna have a super long weekend~!! yeah~!! cool`!!

buffet lunch~!

today's quite a nice day... went to my paternal grandma's house to have a buffet lunch cos my uncle returned from england... not bad, i stayed in the room to finish my econs... luckily, i managed to get them done... if the one-essay-per-week thingy keeps going on, i'm gonna absolutely burst one day... nevertheless, there's good food, mutton rendang, barbeque-sauce chicken... not bad~!!

went for a 3.2 km jog for the first time in a week... now, my wounds are throbbing a little... don't know what's wrong with my wounds... it's turn into this yellow layer on top of it... eeks~!! i feel liberated... ran the whole thing in 20 minutes... so proud of myself~!! hee~!

anyway, made peace with this friend of mine... hopefully, we are friends from now on...

nothing much... just praying hard for a half-day tomorrow... or a full day, i don't mind~! haha... wishful thinking...

anyway, this song's a very touching one... very inspirational too~!!

fantasia burrino - i believe

Have you ever you ever reached a rainbow's end
And did you find your pot of gold
Ever catch a shooting star
Tell me how high did you soar
Ever felt like you were dreaming
Just to find that you're awake
Cause the magic that surrounds you
Will lift you up and guide you on your way

I can see it in the stars across the sky
Dreamt a hundred thousand dreams before
Now I finally realize
See I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive
And finally yeah

I believe in the impossible
If I reach deep within my heart
Overcome any obstacle
Won't let this dream fall apart
See I strive to be the very best
Shine my light for all to see
Cause anything is possible
When you believe yeah

I can see it in the stars up in the sky
Dreamt a hundred thousand dreams before
Now I finally realize
I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive
And finally I believe
Yes I believe
Ohh Yeah

Love keeps liftin me higher
Liftin me higher
Love keeps liftin me higher
I said love keeps liften
Love keeps liften me I said
Love keeps liften Love keeps liften me higher
Said love keeps liften me higher
I said love keeps liften me high