i hate it when people spoil the calm life i have. i have been desperately trying to get over a bad experience and yet come another one. it's very tiring to have to maintain friendship after friendship when all i want is to have some stability in my life.... i thought that, finally, i have someone to be there for me, having harmless fun occassionally, asking nothing in return. apparently, my good intentions have been misguided in someone else's eyes.... and whatever i've done, when i think of it, it's as though i have been leading someone wrongly... it's really terrible...

i hate trying to be the bad person, that just ain't not me, and it's making me feel very uncomfortable.... i hate it hate it.... others may think i'm childish... i just can't get over some things, and i don't think i ever will.... getting back to what was before, i think it's very difficult.... perhaps, maybe, never.... i don't understand why some people must wait until the ultimate before they get the message.... *shivers*

many projects to do... many things to study.... hope that i can do well in the upcoming exams... all friends, pls take care....

sometimes, when u know that things are impossible, u don't often think when u do things, behave in a certain way, because u know that things are impossible. however, i realise, that sometimes, i forgot to think of the other party, i forgot to think of what they may think. what i deemed as impossible, may not be what they see..... perhaps, that's my mistake... no matter what, both of us have done wrong in certain ways, and that, i don't know what will happen in future.... i'm glad in a way, that this have happened, i feel much relaxed, much at ease.... it's like something has gone away, for me.... i'm selfish, i don't need this kind of things right now in my life.... i'm happy with alot of things, status quo, must remain unchanged.....

stephanie sun has this song, "understand". it's because when u understand, that's why things seem so sad.... i've never wish for anything sad to happen to anyone.... it's just in my nature to behave this way towards everyone.... some people may find it irritating, some people may think it's just me, no matter what, i'm just like that.... i've never set out to play games with anyone, and friends, u know, i can play if i want to.... so pls, perhaps, understand that? as in my previous entry, i've stated very clearly, not now, not in future, not forever.... it's just impossible....

i'm not feeling very good cos of this incident.... sometimes, when u think that things left unsaid is much better than things said.... i've tried both, and both reap nothing good.... what's the best thing to do then? i don't know... perhaps, to do with feelings, there's none....

when i have something to do, i seldom say, so most people don't know that i'm busy.... i may portray that i'm not, but i am.... that's just me, so pls try to understand if i can't go out at the last minute... i'm not like most people, who say what's on their mind directly, i'm still learning.... so, try to understand, perhaps, i send out the wrong signals, but it's not intentionally done, i just hate to disappoint people in that way.... so i'm really sorry....

most people have their own problems, who doesn't? i have always known that i'm rather fortunate... and that, i wish for nothing much then what i have materialistically.... glad for the people in my life, people who love me, friends by side.... appreciate all of u.... =) take care lots.....

i've just changed my blog skin.... i hope u guys love it.... haha.... i rather like the idea of staring into the wide open sky which represents the freedom to love, choose, do whatever i want... =)

i'm rather happy these few days.... happy with the way things are going, especially with the relationships i have with people i care about.... i feel really blessed.... =) thanks for listening to me guys.... i know i talk alot, and not many can stand that about me, haha, but too bad, no choice! sometimes, i think i should not talk too much, i can't help it though... =)

i'm quite an extreme person, in certain circumstances.... i can be really quiet and talkative at the same time... =) just that, i've changed.... i don't know why, suddenly, i felt that today... i've always thought that this is me, but i've changed.... don't know what brought about the change, but strangely so, i felt much lighter and at peace with myself.... have not felt that in a long while... Perhaps, God is by my side, blessing me with a calm and peaceful life.... even the most terrible of persons can't affect me too much....

i hope this happiness last.... however, happy things usually do not last for long.... somehow, something dark and gloomy is lurking out there, striking when we're unaware... robbing us of the little happiness we may feel... however, i believe i'm strong enough to cope with whatever that is out there.... i believe and hence i do know that as long as i keep my spirits up, have the faith, i will feel happy....

compared to my previous entries, this is a much lighter entry... haha, perhaps, i'm back to my positive self once again... to the things i have which are not good... i hope for better times ahead.... a happy gal can hope can't she.... =)

many birthdays upcoming this week.... haha... had a nice time attending all of them.... yesterday was ming zhong's bday.... happy bday!! was chatting with wei xin about many things... it was nice, talking about many different kind of things... it has been quite some time that i have seriously talked about things with friends... recently, many birthdays coming up, had to hang out with friends and buy presents.... so had nice serious conversations! haha....

met up with dear peishan last fri..... yes... we'll go jogging soon! and study!!

another birthday to attend later... wei xin! haha... gonna be fun!

right now, many things to occupy me.... been starting to play the piano again.... i wanna be in tip-top condition when i start my diploma lessons.... =) can't wait for that....! suddenly, realise that i have many things to look forward to.... the end of sch!!! finally, i can be myself again..... exams...! okay, that's weird.... but, when exams are over... i'll be damn glad too.... haha....

right now, many projects to do.... sigh... jiayou myself!

i'm naive.... i thought our friendship means much more than just silly results, marks.... apparently, i was wrong... i'm really naive, wanting to believe in the good of people, why do they always prove me wrong? i wasn't that affected... strange, i seem to be in the mode of calmness even in the face of a storm.... once again, perhaps, i've really cultivated a sense of calm and of no disturbance whatsoever...

i'm not feeling much about things nowadays.... not tired, just, don't really see a point in many things.... k la, dun feel like blogging anymore.... games!

poor poor blog, u have been neglected for far too long.... haha... does this mean i'm back to writing fervently once again.... have not felt the need to blog too much for about a month or so.... there is not one particular reason, perhaps, felt the need to be away from "prying" eyes for awhile.... somehow, u realise, no matter how much u try to run or hide, it's just a simple way of escapism from everything.... suddenly, realise that i have to wake up one day... and why not now?

whatever, just whatever. everything can go wrong for me, so what? my results sux... that's a major thing in my life, in a way.... sigh.... sometimes, can't help but feel that why everything seems to go wrong in uni.... trying to make the best out of things, even if i'm forcing myself to see the positive side of things, yet, it just seems much too difficult.... wonder where has it gone nastily wrong.... trying to convince myself of alot of things, with so many factors into play, and maybe i've hit the nail on the head, what am i to do.... sometimes, people can't get out of the bottomless pit, not because they don't want to, it's just that the circumstances surrounding them makes it hard for them to come out of it alive....

excuses, perhaps, but it's a good excuse.... just realise that the people that i'm hanging out with at each stage of my sch life are really very different.... no matter what, i have chosen this path for myself, just take it and walk on... in about a little more than a year, i will kiss this path goodbye, and boy will i be glad to see it far away from me.... embarking on a journey that i have a strong inkling that i will not really like, seemingly from the people i seem to encounter now and then, but i will strive on..... for the people who deemed is the right one for me....

strive on, i can do it.... what u don't like doesn't mean u can't excel at it can't u? yeah...

it may have been possible, in another lifetime. u would make a very good boyfriend. no doubt about that, i have faith in you this way. right now, or rather, forever, it's not possible. no matter how much i may like to think that everything is innocent fun, i know it's not. u are exhibiting signs that so not long ago has happened to me. i don't like to play games, and the only way i know how, is to be indifferent, to pretend. i don't know how long i can ensure that everything remains unchanged, i'm gonna try.... distance, why is this topic coming back again...?

this week faced more downs than ups... the strange thing is that i don't feel that unhappy. perhaps, i've even expected my failings somehow... tried my best, i did. and the results doesn't show... what do i have to do? just try again? sometimes, i'm just so sick and tired of always trying and not getting anything in return.... the simple word, try. yeah, gonna try again... somehow, the mind is set, but the heart is not, and it shows in actions... sigh.... what to do, try...

i wonder if i have any capacity to love another person anymore, in the relationship with the opposite sex sense.... more often, i've been questioning myself abt this... not particulary afraid that i may end up alone, just that, right now, i feel that, God has given me many other aspects to focus on that i don't see that particular issue as so staring in my face than before... it's really good... almost half of my time in sch, i have to face this issue, people... it's really a breather when i come home... haha... suddenly, i love home a lot.... perhaps, life is just full of tests this way... without my previous experience, i would have never come to appreciate my family and loved ones more.... they will always be there for me, no matter what..... thanks....

speaking about people staying with me.... it's not so long ago that i have so much faith in people, the promises they made to me, the promise to stay.... i've lost that faith now.... somehow, it's hard to point a finger at anyone, i'm guilty of this charge too.... should we go on to question the degree of guilt we should impose on others and ourselves... often, we find ways to talk ourselves out of anything that is detrimental to us.... trying to find reasons to sustain our wrongdoings.... i'm no different... it's also a long time ago that i've questioned about anything at all... people like to give the excuse that they are tired.... i do question, have anybody done anything yet? have they tried? if not, why are they tired? excuses, another word again......

i don't understand many things, yet somehow, i do understand.... perhaps, trying not to understand makes things easier to bear.... somehow, u try not to, yet u do understand.... understanding is such a tiring thing... that is tiring.... sometimes, i wonder, is it so hard to illicit a response.... is there still so much games being played out... is there a need.... i wonder... perhaps, it's just best not to understand....

a long time since anyone tried to understand me... and i find that the people who do, they take away my faults, just like i have taken away theirs, and see the beauty underneath.... i can't see your beauty if u don't take away my faults.... understanding... is that in itself something impossible? i question one last time....

i'm so tired.... so tired of everything... this week didn't start off well, i'm just so tired, seemingly from the many things i have to do, yet, i don't even know if i'm on the right track or not. i just want a good night's sleep, where, after waking up, i'm still bright and not tired. and filled with dread with the thought of going to school...

many thoughts, i'm just too tired... next week, i'll try again...

today was a great day and nothing could dampen my spirits. when i say nothing, u better believe it. =) today is the end of any AA202 presentation. it wasn't the best of presentations, but it's over!! haiz, i'm right again...! why do my group mates like to ignore my points... sianz... well, what's done has been done.... and the tax quiz, some stupid mistakes!!! well, it can't dampen my spirits either! just glad that one of the thoughest day is over!

was thinking that i have much stuff to blog about, somehow, i seem to be stuck now... haha.... let me see, firstly, sorry peishan! can't meet u... will try to meet ya soon! take care lots!

just happy that life can be much more relaxed in a way... think i've been stressed subconsciously... have not been sleeping well recently.... just can't take naps despite being so damn tired.... it was quite a bad week, having the hols, yet can't totally enjoy.... haha, though, managed to squeeze a kbox session in.... =)

i think i'm feeling much better, in the sense, that i feel nothing much when i saw them... perhaps, time has really healed the wounds substantially...? haha.... perhaps, i'm just in good spirits and that nothing can dampen them!!!

okay, gotta go study the IT quiz.... =( jiayou all!