Tuesday, January 30, 2007

tired. sick. disgusted. by the workings of people. i've finally realise when u are worth nothing in people's eyes. it's kind of sad, but i'll get used to it. everyone's practical. even though the stubborn me took sometime to grasp this concept, at least, i've seen people at their worse. there's more awaiting me, but it's all the learning process ain't it?

i hate it when people prove me right. what can i do? the ending is what everyone wants. the dilemna that started initially... perhaps, i should just seek my own happiness... and then, i questioned, what is happiness? by ignoring those people, i get happiness? i don't. but i feel alot better if i don't ever see them in my life again. but that's just running away, ain't it? sometimes, if only problems can be resolved just by the act of running away. i'll be so damn happy.... dun worry, i'm not arrogant. i don't mind people ignoring me, because, i'm doing it too... life's fair in that sense...

for a while, i've been thinking of everyone. trying my best to maintain the status quo. and what did i get? people talking negatively about me, people disliking me... and all behind my back. for the simple me, it's damn hurting. i really wonder, what did i really do that's wrong? making friends? i don't know... really don't know... hwee min asks me to give some time to myself, away from people who hurt me, and think about what i really want... somehow, the answer is just staring into my face. why play with fire when u have already been burned not once, but twice. for once, think for myself, at least, let me feel that i'm doing something for myself for once....

i really don't have anyone at all. u guys have. yet, u are still selfish. perhaps, it's just me, my expectations of selflessness, that i've place too high on others too... no matter what, perhaps, just stop thinking for others, doing things for them, that they take for granted. if it's really that easy to change the mindset... i should stop crying about this. as everyone says, it's simply not worth it. i'm not like the norm, see people as practical beings, i just can't. to me, they are people, with life, their own uniqueness, their character. every individual is different. u want me to use them as the way they used me, i can't. maybe that's why i'm running away....

i don't want to die in this environment... i want to emerge as a survivor.... can i? i think i should have no problems... God give me the strength to go through this, and i will....

no more shit every semester. it should stop once and for all.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

i was late for piano lessons today. on purpose? perhaps... just felt really tired today, which is very weird, because, i have more than adequate sleep.... the usual i have when i have piano lessons the next day. one good thing is that i no longer dread piano... i love the feeling of grasping a new song, and breathing new life into it, my air that is... =) i was really tired, almost fell asleep in the cab today, even almost slept while teaching my students, really bad attitude man... don't understand my lack of focus... the weather plays a large part, perhaps, emotionally tired too?

was quite sorry about the accounting discussion yesterday... i was really quiet, went through quite a bit, and really not in the best of mood... but gonna regain myself back again... it's school work, and supposedly, it's the most important thing of all...

now where do i start? i really don't know, the subsequent paragraphs are gonna be mad ramblings, you have been warned...

fucking idiot. i have done nothing to u, yet u say negative stuff about me behind my back. i don't know what u say, i don't have to know, but i can somehow guess, whatever u say, it's to glorify u. make u come out being someone reasonable and understanding. i don't know your reasons for doing so, but let me say something, i have never bad mouthed u in any way towards anybody. if you don't wanna work with me, just tell me straight in the face. i'm not like any other people, who fawn over u, see u as somebody useful, and refuse to jeopardise their relationship with you whatsoever. i'm not that kind and will never be that kind of person.

i may be a walking reminder of your dishonesty towards ur girlfriend, and that's your fucking problem. not mine. my problem is that i let u 2 becoming my fucking problem. i have resolved everything on my side already, u don't wanna be friends with me. fine. u wanna pretend that i don't exist. fine. u don't want me to let your marriage be ruined. fine. i can deal with all that. but u choose to see me in a negative light, and what the hell, did i ever do anything to warrant u to talk behind my back. there's something called 2 can play this game. my life was good before u came along. u initiated everything, and u choose to stop everything. fine. i let u do what u want, but, u cross my path time and time again. can u spare me and just leave me alone? why can't u let me go just like that, why must i always be reminded of u again and again. u started this, don't ever come question me when there are consequences. remember, i'm not your puppet, i don't need u, stay out of my life.

i do understand that not everyone exhibit the same liking towards one another. what the hell, just tell it straight into my face alright. it wasn't so long ago that u have so much things to say to me that u don't even bother to sleep. so crap, i may be something that u don't like, i don't know whatever reason that is, dont' do things behind my back. hypocritical, that's just u. leave me alone, it's too late already. u have made me do things that u might regret. just fuck off...

hahaha. i thought everyone has brains, but u seem to lack one. be so influenced by what others say of me. congraulations. u have officially become a follower. u have made it perfectly clear that u don't want to be too involved with me. i grant u your wish. i have been a fairy godmother all the time, letting people do what they want to me, and this is what i get? so, it's just one more time, u get your wish.

i'm just a simple girl, out to widen my social circle, make good and lasting friends. they don't necessarily have to last, hell, i'm a practical girl. but be sincere and true? i'm affected, because, it really shows human nature ain't? i choose to see the good in people yet i'm thrown with this kind of shit.... i'm really tired, and emotionally drained. perhaps, now, really see people as they really are... superficial, hypocritical. nobody really has the guts to stand up to another, just talk behind one another. they think that there's no point? haha, is that really it?

i will remember that nobody has bothered to print a copy of the notes for me, i will remember that i do think about others when i print the notes. u guys wanna spell things out so clearly. fine. u know, it's really not fun playing this game alone. i'm all ready...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

i was wrong all these years. 7 years to be exact. of all things that i thought about, this particular reason has never occurred to me. perhaps, it has been hindering at the back of my mind at some times or another, i did not particularly go into great lengths to decide if that was true or not. i wasn't exceptionally taken aback nor was i strongly feeling sad when i was informed rather suddenly about the news. it has already been so long, the time period did not warrant me to be sad this time round. was i glad that u told me? i don't really know. it's been so long that the reason does not seem that important after all. what is important that i know we both treasure this friendship alot. simply, i'm glad that u are always there for me no matter what. thanks a lot.

it was an emotional draining night. the stress of entering the TV theatre, the stress of getting there on time made me very tired. the chat wasn't really, but i felt really vulnerable while i was showering. i broke down. i was shocked that i broke down. i didn't really expect it and it just happened. i can't really pinpoint a reason, except that, these few days of thinking about my life, the people around me, circumstances and situations have taken a toil on me. no matter how strong a person is, there is bound to be vulnerablities, it really depends on how much u want people to see. i choose not to let this part of me present itself a lot, i don't really want to handle the questions, answers that i do not have.

i realise: i'm very afraid of looking into your eyes. i do not want to see the concern that u have for me. it is all so prevalent, you are not very subtle at hiding this kind of things. no matter what i tell people, i find it hard to forgive u, and i don't know if i ever will. others might find me foolish, stupid, childish, or even immature. perhaps, different people have different ways of dealing with things, and this is my choice. i'm still undecided if i should collaborate with u. is the emotional upheaveal worth it? sacrificing my "happiness" just to challenge my emotions. u ain't know it till u try it right? it's really all so easy to say it then to do it. i'm running away, i'm not proud to admit it, but i am pulling away. from your searching eyes, from everyone, from everything. i'm afraid, more than anything else right now, to commit in anything. i don't want to get hurt anymore, in friendships, relationships. will someone give me a reason to change my stance?

i felt the past familiarity in career class today. it's been a long time since we communicated without searching glances, questioning tones or even heavy undertones. it felt good. why hasn't it been this way all these while? did i really let someone destroy our friendship? did we let others spoil everything? perhaps, it's really a little bit of everything. is the solution right before our eyes? i don't have the answers.... we have to search for it i suppose, perhaps, at the finale, we are just looking for the perfect combination.

i'm tired. much more than i think. the coming weeks, gonna start with sch work seriously.

thank you mz.....

Monday, January 15, 2007

right now, in FAL, gonna blog down my thoughts before they run away, again. haha. just had lunch with gera. felt quite weird with her friends, so beat a hasty retreat. actually, i realise that i've been quite myopic in NTU, largely due towards the people i'm with i guess. after a while, u start to generalise that everyone is the same as your clique, u realise that they are not. from now on, gonna remove my sunglasses. not everyone is black... =)

it's also quite difficult to talk to people whom u have not spoken to for a long time. perhaps, the lack of familiarity, or simply, that people have change. it's quite scary, u thought u know someone this way, actually they are not. should have gotten used to it by now, i have been exposed to this for a long time already. but somehow, the realisation is always so new. or is it just me? the fact that i've always trusted people. not that they have not met up to my expectations, simply, people just change. perhaps, all of us should just take a step back and really question your contribution and existence, then, maybe u learn a lesson, much valuable than what u gather in the classrooms.

the political model is so perfect and priceless, yet none of us are able to achieve it. not all of us want to achieve it. my point is, i wish i have the courage to step above and embrace what i really want. that's also room for thought. what an example the tutor made this morning. haha, life's really funny, if u can actually see ur life as a joke. yet. it's much simpler than acknowledging myself as a shadow. not concrete at all. the purpose for existing is just to fulfill another's loneliness at one point. it's pathetic and sad, yet it's my life. so kind of glad for all the things i have right now, neither concrete nor tied down. not gonna risk getting hurt again.

gonna rush for lessons now... sianz.... so long...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

sch has started for a week already, i'm not really settled down yet. i have to cut down on my TV shows right now. damn it, sch has really started at the wrong time. haha, or is it the other way round? time is what we give ourselves, so gonna play abit for another week before really coming down on my readings! because, i'm gonna go watch superstar next week!! can't wait! after the visit to mediacorp the other time, got a sense of what my mom is really doing. like the experience, perhaps, any kind of thing that doesn't tie me down appeals to me greatly.

have not been blogging for a long time. did anyone miss me? haha. caught blood diamond last friday. it's a darn great movie. pls go watch it!! it's abt the diamond trade, how what we see as the final product, the shiny thing, some of them are from mines, where the workers are being forced against the will to work there. many separatists roamed the country, the people are killing against one another, just to satisfy the demand for diamond. to gain the foothold that no one, or the other competitors cannot penetrate. have not watch such a meaningful movie in a long time.... =)

seems like many thoughts to blog, but somehow, they refuse to come and hit me fully so that i want to blog it down. strange. usually, i'll just blog any thoughts at any time. perhaps, the non-availability of my laptop has prevented more habits from forming, or simply, disrupted my habits. haha. after a long time, i've made my choice. is it a good or bad one? who knows? i don't know. just know that, i will not regret anything, that's me, even if it's a bad decision. disgusted by how i've turned out, gonna do some damage control that really reflects more of myself. at least, when i put on a mask everyday. do u change ur mask often too?

okay, my sis is screaming at me, when it's my laptop. till the next time...

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

finally have the time to sit down properly to blog down my thoughts... first of all, my bday party... i wanna thank all who took the time to come down and celebrate my 21st bday!! really appreciate it a lot.... the presents were nice too... haha... thanks guys...!!

haha, on my bday too, all the well-wishers for remembering, esp, my pri sch best fren, oon tang... really surprised that u remembered... =) there are simply too many... haha... so thanks everyone...

this sem looks set to be a hectic one... gonna try to work hard, in the sense, at least read the readings before the lessons... haha.... hopefully, the online activities can be put aside in time for my studies to come into place... hmm, have starved off the lappy for a while, think i could make it somehow... hee... oh my, i still haven't type my minutes yet... *groans*

somehow, something's not settled yet... would i get my way? i often do not... so, shall go accordingly to the circumstances i guess... life's irritating with all the trivalities....




will update more.... *winks*

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

it's really a long time since i've last blogged. so what have i been busy with? haha, actually nothing major, but lots of TV!!!! soon, the good times will be gone soon... no more TV.... school is starting... really dreading sch in a way, not so much of the sch work, rather... well, don't really want to talk much about it, just hope that this coming semester will not be what i imagined to be... haha, have always been optimistic. this time, it's no exception.... =)

have always done a reflection on the past year about the different categories of my life. this time round, don't really want to do that. just want memories to remain just as memories, be it good or bad, just want to be at peace with myself. have achieved that, really don't want anything to disrupt this calmness. i want peace for everyone no matter what. that's just my wish...

results this time round, there's an improvement, however, as usual, didn't do well enough considering everyone's results. in the past (rather, since JC days), it somehow, matters quite a lot to me, perhaps, been hanging too much around results-oriented people. not that i can blame anyone, that's just how the system works. not anymore, found my peace with regards to everything, including this terrible topic. haha, comforting myself? delusioning myself? no matter what, ultimately, i'm at peace, at that is what really matters.

really appreciate the people around me, who is true to me, no matter how elusive i have been, how i don't always cya.... however, my true friends are just a call away, and will always lend a listening ear... thanks for everything... u know who u are... treasure u guys alot!! =)

family, don't have to mention, love u all to bits!

last of all, treasure what u have, appreciate the people around u. sometimes, we often forget that we are spolit and keep blaming others.... even if we are spoilt, learn from it i guess, and treat people better!!!

new year resolution: peace.... =)