Monday, October 30, 2006

first and foremost, no more reports!! no more presentations!!! till to the end of the year at least!! haha... today's presentation was rather alright for me. i think this course has given me a certain amount of confidence whenever i present. thankfully, the tutor is not bad... but much to be said is still there... kind of stressed out by the failure to achieve. towards certain modules, have been procrastinating. i guess, no more!! have to really pull up all my socks and perform! study!! in the midst of it, i want to regain back my health=figure. haha, getting real fat nowadays, watching tv like nobody's business and eating lots!!! hopefully, my motivation will be there!

any kind of relationships is damn hard to maintain, either between lovers, friends, family, strangers, simply, any kind. there is really no right or wrong. perhaps, the only source for contention is the effort that is put into it, the feeling of whether u want to put in it to make it work. i sound like i know a lot, well, it's just from my own experience and what i observe. for my own experience, let's just put it aside for a while first.

yesterday, my parents were having a shouting match with my twin sis, and i was finding it hard to concentrate. luckily, it didn't escalate into something that is too major, otherwise, i would die seriously for my presentation. the point is, my sis has her own points and my parents theirs. both are reasonable. the solution simply is to recognise one another points, what are they saying, learn to give and take, accept some of the other party, and then, accept that u are wrong. this is a really good solution so that things can work out without turning relations into something bad. easier said than done. what abt inner feelings of pride? senority? life ain't that easy after all.

now, let's move on. the relationship between lovers. perhaps, i just happen to be "lucky" that i know of different situations of friends', sisters' relationships stuff. it actually taught me lots of stuff. between lovers, how do u measure if they are spending enough time together? how do u measure if one person is too reliant on another? how do u measure what the other party will feel if u are too tired? how do u measure when enough is enough? more importantly, how do u measure when the other person simply just want time for himself or herself? wow, do not ask me. it is really difficult to solve lovers' problem... haha...

ok, the next would be friendship. i've always thought friendship is not that difficult to maintain. as long as the heart is there, the effort is there, it is really enough. actually, this is really enough. what people usually didn't expect is the expectations that friends place upon one another. is it misplaced or displaced or already replaced? well, all of us have friends, it's really up to u to judge. i dare to say, i have always tried my best to be there for my friends. those that really mean to me, they will know. and i hope and really wish we have more happy years to come.

any more relationships? hmm, what abt the one that is between people u simply don't know how to face? i've taken the first step already. i started this "war" too. the question is, is there any right or wrong? i don't think so. u done what u think is best, i did too. if u ask me how to salvage the situation, i don't have the answer. i do think abt what u wld do, i don't even know how to react or even if i want to. pride, is that the downfall of everything? for me, i've never care much abt pride. i simply see it as something that has to be done. i did. and, let's just see?

the next, is simply, u don't know what the opposite sex think, especially if he's your damn good friend. i don't really know, but i can guess a little. the thing is, i don't think i'm wrong, because, i'm usually wrong and would not think that way. i really hope that i'm wrong, because, i don't know if i can return your good intentions. the seriousness i've given to this issue is rather colossal. right now, i really hope u do not come and do anything, because, i usually do not know how to reject anyone, just don't let me be in this dilemna alright. i'm not really for the thought that feelings can be cultivated in the sense that i don't really wish to cultivate anything like that with anyone yet. it's not that i'm not ready, i'm scared and dman full of apprehension. leave me alone?

haha. many relationships. long time since i've blogged so much. must be feeling rather euphoric after my freedom!! haha. going running later. there's something seriously wrong with my left ankle. but, well, if i'm in hospital, u know why okay? haha....

Thursday, October 26, 2006

dear sis... be strong k, sometimes, things happen for a reason because it makes u feel stronger after what u have been through. and if he really treasure it, and u do, don't do anything stupid okay?

guess maintaining relationships are not that easy after all... haha.... since i comment on others what more should be said abt myself? not very good at handling any kind of relationships at all... i guess... i don't understand sometimes why i understand ppl more than myself? shit... perhaps, it's really because the fact that i'm more mature. haha. just let me believe in that okay? i wasn't really surprised when i was told that u distance yourself from me on purpose. if there's anything to blame on, just blame it on my sensitivity.... i do sense things okay.... i didn't really think u would do that, but i wasn't surprised. just let me say, why are u so afraid of staying good friends with me? is there some inner demons that u are afraid of, or simply, u do not dare to face me? let me clarify, for my part, i have no more laundry hanging on my bamboo anymore. since the day i knew that u are going after her, i wish u all the best.

i didn't expect us to be as close as before, but i didn't expect u to do it on purpose. u are the one who told me that there was this connection between us, in your own very words. fine, i was skeptical, wth, u were the one who said it. and then, is this what u are afraid of? haha... u selfish bastard. in my uni life, i consider 2 ppl the most important in my everyday life, and u are one of them, a person whom i thought i could call my good fren. well, i do miscalculate, and i really did. u abandon me. u used me in your own capacity when u needed someone to talk to. and since in your own very words again, u didn't send the wrong signals, then why are u purposely doing another thing. distancing. haha. u want distance, i give it to u. more than 100%. as my motto goes, whatever u embark on, do it well. u are the one who initiated it, i fulfill it then. i have taken the first step in many things and i think it's time to retire....

i was surprised that u didn't tell her abt us. once again, i miscalcualted. anyway, if it's any concern, be fair to her okay? and even if someone who doesn't really want to know about your past, and all the crap abt how the future is all that matters, u are a mature person i believe. and i really think u should be fair to her, or you don't want to jeopardise your own chances? haha....

no matter what, i will say it once and for all. it really doesn't matter anymore. that i will feel hurt, angry.... all the shit k. i have moved on. the very first day that i heard u are going after her. the reasons for doing so, it doesn't really matter and i don't really want to know. just that, all that u have do, all the little things, i just hope deep down in your heart and conscience, be honest and face me. in whatever capacity, i never wanted to lose a good friend, till u force me up the wall. i'm a human being, and i do see things, distancing, whatever that u are doing. don't do things that u don't want ppl to do to u.

i can't be more honest then right now. u've miscalculated. i did too. perhaps, now, let's do the calculations together? no matter what, i faced u didn't i? if u persist, then let's do it together i guess.... it really takes 2 hands to clap.

i really had a nice time since a long time ago. besides a certain person. haha.... perhaps, sometimes, some people are really sweet to me and i remember. haha. so long...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

i used to be someone who doesn't feel much for relationships. it was only that stupid incident which got me into caring mode. and i realise that i'm slowly getting out of it. i think i understand why my sis was damn unhappy with me in the past. it used to be just me and her. in the hols, without much friends. it's this very thought that i think kept us from really forming close relationships with our friends. and in the event that we do, it's really those that we really treasure from the bottom of our hearts. perhaps, the expectations that we have towards one another, we transfer them to our friends too. it is not really justified. haha, who ask us to be twins?

many things surrounding me nowadays. not that i don't really wanna say it out, just that, i don't feel like talking about things anymore. it's because they don't matter anymore. i always wonder, what's the point in saying abt things when they mean anything at all sooner or later. i think life was much simpler in the past, perhaps, less ppl to mingle with, or rather, lesser "obligations" in a way. to the people because u and i know that we will be friends, but just friends.

what abt the ppl who really matter to u? sometimes, i really wonder how much i measure in someone's heart. but do i really? it has been a long time since i last did that. i cease to care that much, because, i'm afraid that if i place any more expectations, i will not get back what i had in return? i don't understand why we have let so many issues come between us? when, we had so much more to hold on to? that's my opinion in any case. perhaps, i always thought that u will always be on my side, and when i realise that isn't the case, it really suxs. but i guess, u re-orientate yourself again, to make urself believe that u are wrong.

i'm not a coward like many ppl are. or maybe coward is the wrong word. i don't see the need to depend on someone who perhaps in every way can help me. i guess, it's just me and u really don't have to agree with me. holding on for friendship? when u don't mean alot to me, it's really easy. how to make someone irrelevant to u? easy. erase the memories. i've done it before. and i really hope that u will not make me do it. haha. it really ain't fair to both of us. haha. perhaps, this is really me when i can do anything i see deem fit. just getting what i really deserve, some justice. and then, u may ask, all these for justice? yes... giving up on ppl who doesn't give shit loads abt u... why not?

i sound like a crazy and angry idiot. i think for a long time, i have stopped bothering much abt how ppl see me. i'm getting back this attitude which is, whatever. u can see me in anyway u want, as long as my conscience is clear. i'm not a very nice person to live with when i'm like that. what to do, if u can, then i really appreciate it. if not, as i say, give up...?

i told my sis, i'm gonna lose all my friends one day. haha. and u really wonder at the extent that i thought abt this issue. i did. and, perhaps, we'll see how it goes? maybe the cynicism in me has gone, and i start caring more than what i'm doing now? probably without this incident, i wld never care for ppl more than i thought i could. and right now. i really don't feel like embarking on diplomacy. i don't understand my disgusting attitude towards lots of things. sch, sch work, ppl. it ain't really anyone's fault, but mine. i think i'm trying to reduce the significance of my life.

haha. what a dumb dumb. hiya. don't ask me anymore. i don't really know what i am doing any longer. towards ppl, studies, sch. anything. myself even. maybe i'm killing myself slowly day by day. i don't know. yeah? just don't come ask me.

the happiest time of my life is spent at home right now. i always dread sch. it's not even from the committments that i have. i feel like hibernating. isolating. don't ask me why. just have this feeling. yeah. i know it's not healthy. anyone want to save me?

erasing memories. maybe i'm stopping myself from creating more. u ask me if that's right? healthy or not? i'll just ask u.... aren't u suppose to stop urself from feeling hurt? yeah.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

i'm really quite a bimbo this week. correction. i've been a bimbo this week. haha, that means i've been doing nothing constructive at all! die! haha. been watching the show, e mo zai ni shen bian. actually, it also means devil by your side. i'm such a dumb dumb. i can tear even when i watch a teen idol drama. haha. i was really reminded of my own experience. even though teen dramas are not reflective of reality, does it really deviate from the truth? i am very touched at how insistent that the ppl in the show fight for their love. perhaps, in reality, ppl don't do that because they deem it's impossible, or rather, the love is not that strong.

i've always believed that when u love someone, u are able to improve on the person and not because u want to change that person into someone he or she is not. haha. but that's just me, i've never ever been in love before. it's really the show getting to me... haha. actually, truth to be said, the story line is not that strong, or rather, the directing is rather weak. it was in a chronological order, so a little predictable i guess. haha. i like one phrase in the show: in this winter christmas season, let me draw the shapes of happiness for u. haha. i really like it. perhaps, there's very little drama, in the sense, the antics that the lovers do for each other are not overt, just simple and touching.

okay la, it was a really good distraction from the shit that i've been facing recently. not really shit but i guess, just not really up and happening. haha. i really have to do work now!!! been really flippant with my tutorials recently.

i'm really touched that my relatives are concerned abt me. always talking to me about my results, personal life. i really do appreciate it, because, i don't see them very often, yet they do remember and ask me. i always tell them, it's okay. i'm not that dumb. truth is, even if i'm suffering inside, would i tell them? for a moment, i really wanted to pour out everything. but i realise, i will not, it's really not worth it, for him.

it really funny sometimes how u can really relate to someone who has the same experience as u. more often than not, they will understand, and perhaps, tell u what u really want to hear. that's why, i think, some people is talkable to some issues and some are not. anyway, after talking to u, i feel really much better. it's like a great stone that is lifted out of me. as what the show says, i will always be by your side, protecting u. i know that somehow, among everyone, i'm not alone. there will always be someone out there, who understands. who is willing to listen.

after my aunt talked to me a little, or attempted to, i realise that, i was the one who made the choice right from the beginning. i didn't really expect us to fail the test. or rather, i really wanted to test how strong ppl's will and belief can be. i got my answer admist all the pain. was it worth? haha. since when has pain been willing and understanding to me? a lesson learnt, that really was it i guess... the decision i've made has really everything to do with it. for me, i really can't live and accept someone who has abandon me in every way. i know the consequences, but i welcome it. not really welcome, i accepted it. come what may, our affinity has ended already. i don't feel sad though, i've expected it. all those fear/insecurity in me, perhaps, it's just how much i understand u i guess. i forsee everything really well. everything fitted nicely into my vision. so, good luck to u in everything. some people are those that leave footsteps in the muddy water, they wash away. i have those who leave imprints. they are ones whom i know will never go away, no matter how far i go, no matter how bitchy i can be. they are there.

have not blogged in such a long while. this is the longest i have not blogged. perhaps, i really do not want people to see me. some things, they should be kept hidden as long as possible. the scars especially. they should not show at all. as the show says, do not try to be strong, u do realise that there are someone who's willing to share it with u. will i find that someone? do i want to? time will tell, God has made the plans for me. i trust You. it really is all there is to it. God, Jesus, i've chosen You right from the start.

Monday, October 16, 2006

i'm getting back my identity, haha... that's good news. BUT, i'm not really sure it's the kind of identity that most can relate to.... perhaps, not used to seeing this part of me.... i've changed into somebody that i'm not, and seriously, perhaps, that is what is wrong. where is the dare? where is the heck care attitude? where is the moodiness? i've become someone, well, many say that is nice. but it is really not me. i have not felt really good in a long time, i've discovered that this is me and that nothing can take it away. haha.... so yeah...

i've always ignored ppl that i hate or rather, ppl that i really don't care. and i did it! i felt really at ease with myself. i've reached this conclusion. i have always cared abt the friendship, cared abt everyone, that things remain alright, i've cared that nobody is caught between us. but what is the result? i felt really miserable, i felt that nobody can understand. that is a misconception, perhaps, i didn't try hard enough to let ppl understand. right now, it is no longer important. i don't yearn to be understood anymore. i've cared too much, and it's time to let go. i will not force myself to be happy for them, i do bless them, but that does not mean i want to see them, that i want to let them know that i'm okay with it. i tried so hard, means and ways, telling lies, white lies, because i want to, let them love freely. what's the point? nothing ever is returned back to me. it used to hurt, i've let it go too. now, i want myself back. i want ME to be back. no more ms nice, no more acting, no more pretense. who cares? nobody will really care in the end when they have each other. that's it. i think i sound bitter. i will not lie. i have not forgive and don't ask me to. i can't do it now. bitter. maybe, to a certain degree. and i think the best way to do is to let go, be myself.... =)

i have lots of work to do. damn sianz. hiaz... how i wish i can play more... haha...

Saturday, October 14, 2006

some people relish in routine stuff, whereby things are the same, that they have something to fall back on. i realise that i'm not really that kind of person. materiallistically, yes, i am. i do want to be sercue with the fact that i have enough money to go round my life. however, towards things that i have to do, i don't really like it. that's why, i think i'm bored with sch nowadays. it has become a routine. the same things i do, the same ppl i meet, the things i discuss. perhaps, i do not have the anticipation of seeing the ppl i want to see, the ppl i want to talk to. because, i seldom get my wish. that's why, sch is such a chore. bored.

i need some challenge in my life. my studies? i don't know. not really worried abt it yet, till perhaps i start studying and realise how much i don't know. that is still at the back of my mind.

happiness is a choice. i realise that. i have been coping well. i think i'm bored with life that's why i keep finding things, to keep my mind busy. dumb? always causing myself more harm than necessary. well, that's just me i guess. haha. it is gonna be my new motto. from now on, no more bothering much abt others' opinions. since when has mine mattered? i feel much better.

my aunt treated us to crabs! really wonderful crabs! haha, love it! thanks!!!

just watched crossroads and the song reminds me of something. haha. my youth.

i'm not a girl, not yet a woman - britney spears

I used to think
I had the answers to everything
But now I know
Life doesn't always
Go my way, yeah...

Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize...

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between

[Verse 2]
I'm not a girl
There is no need to protect me
Its time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own
I've seen so much more than u know now
So don't tell me to shut my eyes

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

But if u look at me closely
You will see it my eyes
This girl will always find
Her way

I'm not a girl
(I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe)
Not Yet a woman
(I'm just tryin to find the woman in me, yeah)
All I need is time (All I need)
A moment that is mine (That is mine)
While I'm in betweenI'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time (is All I need)
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman

Friday, October 13, 2006

to u: thank you for the dinner today. haha, it was rather unexpected but i enjoyed nice pizza!

to u: didn't realise i was that down until i chatted with u just now. really made my day. thanks alot. haha... i will be your date one day.... haha....

to u: this is the most difficult of all. i asked my sis a question today. will u avenge me by being on my side, after what he has done to me? she says, perhaps no, most like no. the reason i asked her was because i wanted to know if what i am feeling is unwrranted for. yes, i don't expect everyone to feel like me, that's why i need to seek more opinions on this matter. i realise that i have resented till now, that u are not on my side more than i feel u should. it is really unjustified that i should feel this way. that's just the way i am. i do think alot abt ppl, when i feel threatened by others. yes, i admit, i don't like others to come between us. but it has already happened. i don't know if i'm coping it in the right way, perhaps i am. but i do resent that the four of u will somehow have your own world that excludes me. if u do not see why i'm not very happy at that, then there's nothing more i can say. i'm not asking u to stop or not to do anything, u see, i need more time to cope with it. i don't like ppl to run away from me. if i do get the feeling, in order to prevent me from being hurt, i will run away first. i don't want to be hurt anymore. i have a history that is not very nice and if u want to do it to me, pls let me know first alright? don't ask me what i'm resenting, because i don't even know. all i know is that i'm not very happy nowadays, and i don't know why. i'm not taking it out on anybody, or asking anyone to do anything abt it... that's just the way i am.

to me: i hate sch nowadays. i have never felt this way for a long time. i have been looking forward to school since uni. it's only recently that i feel the need to be away from it. have been poning sch nowadays, and i have never done that in a long time. yeah... things are changing. well, what the heck. they are.

my results suck big time. i know what's wrong. and the sad thing is, i need to do more abt it. hiaz.

i guess, i really am really wallowing in alot of self-pity. but well, i think i have abt enough of thinking of the big situation with everyone in mind. what i am planning to do will not have a difference to anyone, and that makes sense of everything. i'm not causing hurt and that is enough for me... cheers, i guess...

Monday, October 09, 2006

i'm very very very very tired. i need to sleep seriously. i was standing on the train on the way back. can u believe it? i was sleeping too. yes, i'm really very tired. this week is not gonna be a nice week, i have many datelines to meet. and for the first time in my life, well, since year one at least, i have never felt that there are actually stuff that i cannot accomplish even if i don't sleep. i need lots of luck man. really.

sometimes, i hate it when people make promises and never keep it. i do that sometimes, but it was towards little things. things that don't really matter. u have made me a promise, but i think u have never guessed that in your life, u can never keep it. don't ask me, i have never thought it too. why did u make me the promise? when all i see them now, are just unfulfilled and empty. it is with this, that i did what i did. there really is no right or wrong in this matter. i see it as a natural course of things that would happen and is happening. i'm beyond the part whereby i'm so intent on thinking whether it hurts or not, because i expected it, i can cope with it. just that, u are the one who made the promise, and yet, somehow or another, i'm expected to fulfill your promise for u. can u understand? it ain't working this way.... there's only a limit that i can do. pls understand.

it's really sickening to see things sometimes. i thought that people would at least adhere to what they say, but they didn't. once, twice, is alright... but all the time? sometimes, i really do wonder how am i going to react to it? pretend i didn't see it? how to? just act as though it's so normal even when i'm not that comfortable with it... i sound bitter? correction. i'm not. it's just irritating, and really, i don't have to witness it. yet i am... the irony of it....

four little black birds sitting on a tree.

(you get what i mean)

life suxs.... does it? because u think it does... acutally it doesn't, i have so much more to live for and better. and that doesn't involve someone, any obligations at all. just to myself, i'm selfish this way. i like to preserve myself. right now, really, don't disturb me, i'm not really in the mood to see....

Sunday, October 08, 2006

i'm getting quite bored with my layout and design already. shall change the design and everything after the exams.... haha, must source for a new one with nice design that really shows myself! any suggestions? perhaps all blood red... haha...

this is a really bad time to want to watch tv all the time! haha.... finally, other things than the com to distract me.... instead of spending more time on more appropriate things like studies, i watch the tv... haha.... and i'm not feeling guilty! save me!

much work to be done... oh no! starting to feel the heat already.... really lots to be done... i must do well, i must do well, i must do well, i must do well... how many times i have told myself this, yet i don't seem to be doing anything to make this come true! i really don't want to disappoint people who care and most of all, myself.... good luck man...

i got a feeling i have lots in me yet somehow, i really don't know how to say it out. i have not been thinking abt many things... friends, family.... somehow, i only allow myself the luxury to think abt intangible things only when i'm walking.... running... the rest of the time, i'm focus.... but is it enough? most of the time, i'm not really doing things that are important... i must change! must! must! must!

yesterday, something really bad happen to myself... by all accounts, i even say it's bad.... haha, must get used to it i guess... since it has been happening everytime it happens. i want to think it's normal, and i believe it's normal because it has to be... haha...

take care everyone....

Saturday, October 07, 2006

today is a relatively tiring day.... perhaps, i let the emotions overwhelm me, in the sense that i really did. i'm really really glad that things are alright between yoke and i.... misunderstandings when not solved will really make or break a relationship between 2 ppl.... really glad in that aspect....

i think that ultimately, when u care for someone, either friends or family, all u want is happiness for them... i seldom think it at the expense of me or anything, i just think that if they are happy, that's all that matters.....

i did something very foolish today. it always happen whenever i hear stuff of them... what to do? i have reconciled already. no matter what, i do care.... and alot in fact.... what's there to hide? i do care alot... not the issue, but the person. i realise all the time, putting up a happy face, maintaining that there's nothing wrong. it is in my subconsicious. i don't understand why i do that, i should be feeling much more than just doing all that. i've come to my answer today. i care, that's why, when i see that u are happy, i feel happy for u. it's not some noble shit k, it's just a feeling... hiaz.... i can't believe, i'm that passive and hate myself sometimes..

life's really funny. don't understand how it can treat u in a certain way. there's a reason by God and i will find it one day.

pain. what is pain. it is when it hits u when u least expected it, after numbness for so long. i hope that i don't have to feel it again. i think the final impact will happen very soon. i don't know how i'll cope with it, i'll find a way.

sianz. i really must work hard. hiaz. results, please motivate me... u have to, really. let me see the light alright... pls do, thank you...

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

i realise that i have not been blogging for a while. haha.... been really busy this week, with stuff to hand in and tutorials to do. haha... went to watch stay alive yesterday... when i was watching the show, it was quite alright.... however, before i slept yesterday, i was a little freaked out!! have been daydreaming a tad bit too much... haha... luckily, managed to sleep...

feeling tired these 2 days... gotta try to sleep earlier, after settling the PBL report. sometimes, even though the society is very realistic, i just wish people don't have to act the same way. it's very irritating. what has happened to depending on one's own capabilities.... yes, other ppl are doing, but try not to do too much of it? it's like u are so seriously helpless and stupid.... well, that's just me i guess.... getting irritated when people just like to rely so much on others... is there such a need? it's ur own project, not any others. u can't always rely on others all your life. have confidence in yourself. if u don't have what it takes, that means u don't have... why aren't u aware at how others will look at u sometimes? aargh!

okay... vent some frustrations.... been really happy... well, firstly, because, i guess, contented with the fact that i know i'm not always alone. i will treasure the ppl around me more. i didn't in the past, and i really regretted it... sometimes, it's always a blessing in disguise how things turn out. if that didn't happen, our r/s would not been better than before. =)

i'm getting fat! very fat! i must lose all the weight!! save me!!