today is the 201 paper.... tried my best, but didn't manage to finish it. sigh, as usual, what's new??? sigh... hopefully, it's enough to get a pass at least. perhaps, i'm a realist at the end of the day.... i might not know if i have what it takes to be a good accountant, but i know, i try my best. maybe it's not the best, but i do try, and if it's not enough, i should just keep trying i guess. perhaps, i do also believe that, as long as u try, u will be rewarded.... i don't have to be rewarded substantially, just not to the extent that i'm a failure i guess, sigh..... right now, don't feel much, i've always been good numbing myself towards things i don't wanna feel. perhaps, when the results arrive, then i feel the full impact and start breaking down.... perhaps...

2 more papers to go... gonna study harder i guess... at least, it's less stressful for me, lesser concepts... haha, hopefully? sigh....

feeling left out about things recently.... make me feel like running away many times... i managed to stay.... don't know how much longer can i take sometimes..... trying trying....

tired tired.... blog more when i'm in happier mood....

a song, i've always love this song

beyonce knowles - listen

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your ownall cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known

Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....
LISTEN!!!...

To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete
Oh,Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my ownn...

well, down by one paper.... it's a relief yet not so too... haiz, as usual, i didn't manage to finish the paper, been doing my utmost best, but somehow, i'm always tied down by the first question. and the rest of the paper, well, it's really a race against time, and i always seem to lose... sigh, just hope that for the next paper, i can manage to finish it.... i have faith! always!! sigh, if only my heart really believes that.... been a pesismist recently.... =( just hope that i do well for the papers.... at least, just alright? sigh...

my initial plan was to blog a long entry about coping with things so far, however, my heart does not seem to be in it. perhaps, i've lost the mood already.... haha.... that's good in a way i guess, blogging about the sad past is really not a very healthy thing to do....

dread going to sch.... just the thought of spending a few hours in school is such a shuddering thought.... can't wait to get out of it once i've entered the sch, even though it's for a purpose, such as taking exams.... the profound feeling of dreading sch, perhaps, even hating it, stems from the fact that there's nothing for me to look forward in school.... well, the only thing that i'm being reminded of everytime, the failure i am, for doing badly, for not performing, it's a sucky feeling, but it's kind of hard not to think in this way, as the environment is such that? it is even more prominent during exams.... u feel your usefulness, or the lack of it.... it's such a pragmatic society, it really is.... u are only seen as useful, if u are smart.... well, don't understand why am i even commenting on it, perhaps, it's bloody obvious, and i love to talk about the things i can't stand... sometimes, i really wonder, where do people get the energy to compare, to try to be the best? when all they do is get each others throat... simply, i'm in the wrong place.... well, surprise... life still goes on... one more year.... can't wait....

been listening to FIR's and Fish Leong's song.... and i wanna dedicate a particular song to a fren... i just think of him whenever i hear the song.... but before the song, i just wanna say something in general... been running away recently, i don't know if anyone has picked on that.... i'm running away to the comforts of my family.... it's there when i feel safe, protected, away from competition, bad feelings.... and that, is what family is supposed to represent, however, if it's at the expense of my social life, then, there's something really wrong? i don't really know how to reconcile, except that, i feel very lonely when i'm away from my family... perhaps, that's the reason that i always want to run back to my family? sigh....

met a new friend from US recently... his name is eric... nice guy!!

alright, here's the song...

fish leong - 暖暖

都可以随便的
你说的我都愿意去
小火车摆动的旋律

都可以是真的
你说的我都会相信
因为我完全信任你

细腻的喜欢
毛毯般的厚重感
晒过太阳熟悉的安全感
分享的汤我们俩吃汤吃一个碗
左心房暖暖的好保暖

我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
真心的对我好
不要求回报

爱一个人希望他过更好
他从心里暖暖的
你对自己更重要

都可以随便的
你说的我都愿意去
回忆里满足的旋律

都可以是真的
你说的我都会相信
因为我完全信任你

细腻的喜欢
你手掌的厚实感
什么困难都觉得有希望

我很这个你自然的就接下一段
我知道暖暖就在胸膛

我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
真心的对我好
不要求回报

爱一个人希望他过更好
他从心里暖暖的
你对自己更重要

我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
从来都很低调
自信心不高
爱一个人希望他过更好

他从心里暖暖的
你对自己更重要

it's a sucky feeling to be sick, makes me feel so vulnerable.... and i started to listen to fish leong's songs, makes me so aargh! and i cried.... sigh, i think it's because my sis is nursing a break-up, and in my process of comforting her, i was reminded of the past too? haha, it's not as bad as it sounds, just feeling sorry for myself? i wanted to insert a long entry, but perhaps, it has to wait till tomorrow? when the 202 paper is done!!

i hope to finish studying.... although, i don't seem to be able to answer the past year papers, i still have faith!

hopefully, the paper will look nice tomorrow.... jiayou to me!!!

well, my entry for yesterday has been deleted due to my computer's persistency in hanging everytime i'm trying to do something great....? haha.... had a nice time yesterday at IKEA, eating the meatballs and chicken wings! absloutely love it! why oh why didn't i take a photo...? haha....

i've always meant to blog about this issue, however, seems to have forgotten about it.... well, i remember now.... i hate being the bad person, when the whole stupid issue wasn't started by me. damn, and i have went on the route to perform damage control, the whole thing comes back to haunt me? i think i'm pissed becuase i do not have the last say.... call it pride or something along that line.... hate it.... and now, i'm feeling out of sorts because i'm not used to being the person who deliver the bad news.... i'm more used to being fed with the bad news and dealing with it. perhaps, it comes with taking responsibility for emotional issues? i don't like to be in the centre of things, taking charge or anything, it really suxs.... but it is over right now, so kind of glad in a way too, i just take it that i've been used again.... but people of the same kind.... i think i should have gotten it after so many times, steer clear of those kind... and i'll be safe and protected again. perhaps, once again, u wonder, how people of a certain maturity can be harmful? u'll never know... just be on the same side....

well, i really should start studying now.... sigh.... jiayou everyone!

i have to stop reading story books and start mugging!!! sigh... i just love reading books, yet its at the wrong time.... i have to focus! stop pooling! stop feeling like i want to slp!! haha...

it's been a long time since i've confronted this topic. playing games. i've not done this for a long time, yet, when i'm at it, i don't even know i'm at it. sometimes, i think i'm too good at it that when i succeed, it left me with a hollow feeling.... sigh, what can i say? i'm too good for my own good.... sometimes, i think i end up hurting myself when others are out in the open and having the time of their life... sigh...?

just study just study....

i slept for 45 mins last night, it was a terrible ordeal and i swore never to go through it again. i was so foolish, at what expense? my presentation sucks like shit... sigh, i know that it is damn bad, from the looks of the tutor, seems like i didn't do my preparation.... sigh, i was that tired, my mind just blanked out automatically.... sigh, the feeling that u know u are alright at something, yet, u can't perform, it's so damn sad.... i felt really bad for my grp mates... i'm so so sorry.... i always fail to learn my lesson....

went to the library afterwards to wait for twin sister.... i felt so sleepy...! i think it had to do with the book that i borrowed.... i was in the mood for a challenging mystery.... alas, my mind can't follow... perhaps, the language wasn't really for my mood too.... managed to borrow one though, a mystery!

sigh, must get to studying soon.... i've got to try to do better for my aa201 module, might not pass? sigh.... i do always reap what i sow... anybody who wants to study with me, feel free to contact me, but, try not to venture too far, i think? haha....

nice time with peishan on tues!

love the movie today! meeting the robinsons!

i'm seriously sick of projects, just want to get down and study properly! ahz! i'm sick of the computer! i just don't ever want to see it again... i just want a quiet place to study, as the computer is damn irritating!! with so much distractions, and i'm not a very focused person.... sigh....

i don't really care much about things right now, if people wanna get hurt, that's their business. i'm sick of trying to protect others when i need some protecting myself..... sometimes, just leave me alone? i'm sick of answering questions that i don't want to.... and i don't really like people to keep asking... i'm private that way... too bad, i'm harsh, and i expect people to be too.... that's the way i am, and that may not be the case for everyone, well, too bad i guess....

haiz, projects, please fly away? thanks...

i have a nice time today, playing that is, well, have been meaning to study once i've played enough, and i guess, the time has really come that i should have had my fun... =) have been playing pool like mad these few days.... and in the process, met some interesting guys... a guy from US and another from UK. it's kind of interesting to talk to different people, asking what is happening around the world, knowing that there is something different out there than Singapore... and the interesting thing i've noticed is that they are usually more talkative if the find out u are not of the same gender... haha....

trying to rush projects, somehow, my heart is not in it, doing those projects.... it's a surreal feeling, somehow, doing the projects, yet, seeing myself out of the picture.... sigh, when will all these end.... just can't wait to study in peace, without any interference... and the thing is, i'm not even anxious.... sigh..... just go away!!

many things happened this week... and, somehow, i think, whatever i've done, i'm happy with it... be at peace. =)

i have been meaning to blog, do my IT, but, alas, jy has been asking me to play games... haha.... okay, i will do IT tmr!!!!! i must! sigh.... i almost cried just now, haha, almost, well, an old wound threatens to surface again.

perhaps, it's the end of the term, and something happened at the canteen today, i have nothing much to think abt, then i start thinking abt the past again.... i remember the day where all of us were having dinner at subway... some comments that u made were so hypocritical, i really wonder, how could i ever had seen u as someone perfect.... perhaps, i'm just much too bias, it's just that, sometimes, i just sigh? have been doing that less and less lately, which is good, i'm almost healed, just perhaps, that 1% of stubborn self that refuses to give in, for reasons, unknown to even to myself.... well, anyway, all will be forgotten soon, with exams and... the holidays!! despite the internship, will be looking forward to the hols, meeting up with dear friends, and having lots of time to myself... =)

i think i have mentioned it to someone, haha, or many people actually, i seem to fall for the wrong persons all the time, none of them actually fit my criteria, yet, i just fall for them? haha, it's really funny.... to me, it's just God's test for me, if i do actually find someone that is really the true one, somehow, i will know, as God will ensure that i do know and cherish the other person... was telling yoke just now, no matter who is around me right now, just enjoying everyone's company, am glad for it too.... =)

have to start studying real soon.... sigh, after completing dreaded IT soon.... =)

it's quite sad, in the sense that, a friendship is spoilt just like that.... i'm sad, because, i've always thought of u as a fren, someone who is asking nothing much of me, yet hang out once in a while... well, i may say that i don't care, because i need to not care, before i can actually carry what i intend to do....

i've been in a dilemna since the day i know. i've been in your shoes before, and i know what is the worse thing that could happen to someone in the exact same position. hope, ambiguity, just basically, expectations that something more will happen. when, all i know, is just the word, stop, stop dreaming, stop expecting. easier said then done.... i'm not really sure what kind of person u are, anyway, i've dealt in it the best way i can... whatever repurcussions that will follow, i don't really dare to think.... even when everything has come to light, even when we are not friends anymore, perhaps, just hope that u know what i've done is all in your best interests.

after speaking to God, i feel much better about my actions. have never been really good at this emotional kind of things. i'm selfish in a way, i like my peaceful life, and i don't want the status quo to be changed... yes, that is how fiercely i've been guarding this safety cove i've protected myself in...

some piece of good news that do motivate me.... apparently, our IT project seems to sit well with the tutor... haha, gald that something is finally going well, so gonna try the best for part 2... *fingers-crossed*

now, mugging for tax quiz.... =( haha, jiayou no matter what....