Wednesday, December 27, 2006

the highlight of my day. went to watch 2 movies!!! the cursed of the golden pheony and the holiday!!! i absolutely love the holiday! kate winslet was really a joy to watch! it was so touching! the stories were what women really felt and the holidays seem to solve most of the problems... =) went to watch with both sisters..! =) haha.... had a nice time...!

actually, i had many thoughts... after a while, i thought, is it worth it? to translate all out? perhaps, when i've reached breaking point, i might just pour all that's in my heart. right now, don't think it's necessary though... after i have been to church, even before, i've always relish in the peace of my heart. i've gone by my motto of being true to people, regardless of how they treat u. if they hurt u, that's another case. i can't expect others to be like me, no matter how much a friend they might or might not be. i know, if i continue to be true, be myself, that is what really makes me as i am... =)

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

i had a nice christmas today... went to the church of city harvest... if it was my first time at a church i would probably had a stronger feeling but it was not i guess... it felt really great to be at service, listening to Christ's sacrifice.... knowing that i'm here and am at peace is because of the Lord... i hope to continue to go to church more often. to which church though, that is still a question. still finding one that suits me... anyway, thanks alot to ym for bringing me there... =)

went to causeway point after that... the atmosphere was not bad.... seeing people walking around, basically shopping during the christmas period... went home to see teen's choice award... not bad...! haha.... fat britney spears though... went jogging with aunty after that... feels real good to exercise again! just found a great place to jog even with the rain! yay!!!

hope that tomorrow will be a nice day...!

Monday, December 25, 2006

what did u guys do on christmas eve? haha... i had a fun time! my music sch, querubin music cove's principal organised a music teacher's gathering at her place... we had games, charades, memory game, and best of all, singing christmas carols... after that, it was just getting to know one another better... not a bad way to celebrate xmas eve!! went to get a white chocolate dream from coffee bean before heading for home... my first time trying that, it was not that bad! going to church tomorrow.... it'll be a nice christmas!!

sometimes, i think fate plays an interesting game on people... we were ahead of time before meeting the rest of the teachers... so i decided to sit to boon lay while at jurong east, so that we would have seats to buona vista... i wasn't at the usual carriage and was just commenting to my sis that i would kill her if he boarded the train with her. yeah, the most unusual thing just happened. sometimes, i wonder, do we really have this, i don't know, what u call, connection? i really can't find a better word. sometimes, i really can't help but question the game that is on us. i'm not imagining things, but when i have a strong feeling regarding him, it really happend. weird, really weird. anyway, as usual, i pretended that i didn't see him when he was directly opposite me. no mood to acknowledge him i guess. he did see me when i alighted, haha. but he didn't know i was on the train i guess... so yeah, keep this between my blog and the reader okay? thanks....

was chatting with bh these few days into the wee hours of the morning... bad timing man, feeling real tired nowadays, sleeping at most unusal timing... haha... somehow, we always talk about our experiences.... the thing is, he didn't want to make me sad... guess what...?! not feeling it anymore, i can even joke about it... believe it, when time heals all wounds, and soon, everything will and has become a memory.... trust me, bad or good memories, they will become just a distant memory... have faith...

okay, really have to go to bed already.... MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

i'm now back from genting and KL! i have loads of fun there... not to forget the shopping!! when i say i'm broke, i'm really broke!! no more cash left, i really have to stop buying more things!! so, from now on, no more spending...!! and withdrawing cash! restraint! practise that!!

haha... it was fun hanging around with my cousins. they are just growing up and it's really lame and relaxing to tease them... gonna miss them when sch starts...

i forgot all that i have to face when i'm having the hols, it's kind of a downer when the hols ended... i started to think abt things, and it really suxs... what to do... reality sinks in. sometimes, i wish that i can be more firm like before abt things. when i have decided on some things, i just make the decision at once. perhaps, lesser things at stake before compared to now... don't really wish to be bothered with it right now.

bh is right. what is important is to be happy.... but sometimes, u wonder, at what expense? haha... perhaps, what i lack simply is the courage. well, yeah, that is the reality.

let's just enjoy the rest of the hols, and my bday. after that, sch will be starting...

Friday, December 15, 2006

don't know why, felt so tired today. don't usually have to take afternoon naps during the hols, but i'm doing it now! and twice in a row!! haha, being a real pig...

had quite a nice day, heart-warming at least. went for facial in the morning, before heading to my aunty's hse to have a chat with her and twin sis. haha, it's really nice to talk abt stuff. u hear lots of gossip! esp abt their family lives... =) it' also made me question what human beings are really like, the people i can trust... it's quite scary.... haha...

tomorrow's gonna be a nice day, gonna celebrate ah mah's bday!!! yay! family dinner... haha....

really wanted to go church, the timing is not really nice.... yes, it's quite an excuse. sorry ym....

off to genting soon! don't miss me! haha...
project superstar is so damn nice! the contestants are supposed to sing songs from the 80s-90s period. i was able to sing along to the songs, mostly by sky wu. woah, almost forgotten the simple yet heart-warming tunes that he sang! nice!

hmm, just some random thoughts... sometimes, i really can't expect anything much in return can i? since, in the first place, i don't have a place in their heart. sometimes, i really wonder, who can i really turn to. the bulk of them are people whom i spent most of my time with, but among them, they already have people who rank the far above me. where really am i? u may accuse me of being petty, calculative, well, anything. but perhaps, above everything else, i'm just being practical. really, who...? sometimes, when u articulate things out, it really is much better. i should stop all these praticality thoughts i guess, i know people around me care, i just need to pop by with initiative... =)

going to genting soon! and i can't wait!!! shopping! playing! bowling!!! haha....

students gonna have a concert this sunday. hope they don't diappoint me. don't think they will... =)

actually, i thought i would have blogged about this thing, i guess, i keep forgetting about it. simply, it really doesn't matter at all to me already. =)

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

had just been thinking abt some things, was packing my room where i came across some postcards. it really made me wonder abt promises that people has made, feelings people had at a point in time. and then, i realise, how easily these things can change... u have always thought that things will not divert from the original course by a lot, but they can. promises made can break. and then, u wonder, how much can u really trust people to stand by u. well, thoughts, i'm sure grown-ups will think. in the sense that, u think more about stuff right now...

anyway, it's the hols, really shouldn't put too much thoughts into negative stuff... am enjoying life right now!! going shopping again! at chinatown tomorrow... gonna get stuff for the trip. in the process, maybe get some stuff for myself! haiz, need to lose weight so that i can fit into those nice clothes. admit it gals, who wouldn't want a better body... haha...

okay, gotta start planning for my bday soon!! =)

Monday, December 11, 2006

it's been econs since i've last blogged. well, i've been quite busy lately, with many things to talk about!! so, i'm gonna blogg properly today!! =)

it's been a whirlwind week after the exams.... phew, the last paper ended on a wednesday. after that, met huiqi and hwee min, where we went to jp to have dinner first. i remembered, after much persuasion, we managed to request huiqi to stay up later! hwee min then drove us to the hilltop area near jurong island. the view was magnificient!! i loved it very much! talked alot, and i really enjoy the time very much. seldom do i really get to meet up with long-time frens, whom i know, will be there for me no matter what. thanks guys...! after that, hwee min drove me home, with the help of her mum of course. haha, the poor gal, she didn't know the way to my house... nevertheless, i made it home, and slept very late of course... hee...

the next day, wasn't worth mentioning very much, i had meeting. enough said i think... haha...

i had something on on friday. hmm, ahz, i remembered! went for a gruelling 6 hr kbox session. wah, it was quite nice, though, we need more singers. haha. after that, we went to vivocity for dinner with the uni pals. my first time there, if i wasn't that tired, i would most probably had appreciate the environment better. i like candy empire though, nice place to purchase gifts for people. bought nice biscuits for family!!

okay, i look like i am reiterating what i have been doing, well, i really want to remember the wonderful memories i have. i'm such a forgetful gal, and i might forget things easily!!

saturday, is the usual piano lessons, really missed piano lessons quite a bit, the music lessons are getting challenging right now. so, i really must perform my best!!!

sunday, the original plan was simply just to go catch casino royale with ym, a movie that i really wanted to watch for a long time! alas, it was not meant to be. the tickets were sold out, and we watched flag of our fathers in the end. i loved the movie! it contained lots of history admist all the gory fighting scenes. it really takes a picture to tell what people want to see, hear or believe. after that, i went to sentosa!!!!

it was one of the best days of my life. i went with my aunty and her family, upon her request of course. =) nothing much happened the first day, as it was already quite late when i met them. i went to watch the musical fountain!! i've loved the musical fountain since young, rather have much of an affinity with it. been there a couple of times, and i never fail to catch it! loved the beautiful formations! the next day, went for the luge ride, must really thank my uncle for it! after that, my cousins went swimming while i watched over them for a little while. went to play pool with my uncle after that and i won! haha, play table soccer, which was really fun too! i think i enjoyed this particular day very much, it's due to the fact i'm hanging around the kids, and they really bring out the fun in u. u have lesser inhibitions, and u really let go. perhaps, have been feeling really down the previous days before, so, really enjoyed this particular day of just pure fun. went to dian xiao er to eat finally! courtesy of my uncle of course... =) nice nice food!!

crash! after all the fun, it's back to reality... had the ntu biz plan competition camp. before i go into that, must mention my first time having steam boat at marina! it was quite a nice experience for a first time. went there with yoke, yoke's roomie and peishan. it was pouring literally, but we had a nice van to drive us there. i killed a prawn! feeling real guilty abt that, well, feeling quite alright i guess. just that it was an experience that i'm not likely to forget for a long long time... hopefully, i have another opportunity to go there! cos it's usually with family members that u pig out! haha!!

the next day was the camp. well, nothing much to say, except that it was a super slack camp!! the kids i was supposed to "look after" were from nj... well, okay, it was quite nice, except that i could have done a better job after making such a gross mistake!!! but then, their attitude was rather attitude, so, yeah. okay lah, just take it for the experience i guess... came out knowing more people, that's more important ain't it? for networking purposes... haha...

glad that the camp was over... went out many days after that!! especially today!! went shopping with my aunties, sis and cousins! got a guess jeans.... and i absolutely love my aunties to bits! together with my grandma (ah mah)!! they bought me my first diamond for my 21st bday! love them to bits!! muacks! muacks!!!! i love them very much and thank them for looking after me all this while!!!

so, that's about how i spent my days since the exams... haha, going to genting and KL next week... hmm, better enjoy myself before the results and semester starts! next, gonna plan for my bday!! hee, should be fun!! happy hols!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

damn. i shld be studying yet i'm on the com!! aargh! no matter what, i will study finish... =)

hmm.... running away is so easy ain't it? well, i guess it's the most foolproof plan of all. running away means that u don't actually have to face whatever u don't want to face. well, such excuses can be even thought by u to such an extent. okay, since u are a coward, i grant u your wish. let's just stay away from one another. why make things so difficult. since u find it such a chore, that such an effort is needed to communicate with me. forget it.... everyone one is selfish, i'm no exception. in anything, whatever that i have put into, i need some returns too. that's just only fair. it's really a simple case of things being left too long. and then, it turn stagnant, leaving only emptiness in what was actually a beautiful beginning. well, life's too short for any of us to dwell on anything for far too long. move on... u already have. i already have. i guess, the only remaining to do is simply just to forget it. it makes things much easier.

people are strange. some things warrant more thoughts, they just pretend. on stupid things, they actually dwell on it.... weird...

okay, back to studying!!! focus!!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

i've changed. i realise that these few days. perhaps, this change is not the kind where u suddenly realise that wow, i've changed. but rather, through experiences this year. is it a good or bad change? well, i don't know. a coin has to sides, and this is no exception. perhaps, when the effects of the change are more pronounced, will i then announce a verdict i guess...

just hope that things at home will be fine... haiz. don't understand why, it's everytime during exams that things happen.... =(

Friday, November 24, 2006

2nd entry for the day. i can't help but want to say some suff... why are people so afraid to admit their weaknesses? why do people purposely avoid your questions?? why are people so afraid to see what they really are? why...?

i thought love is suppose to make a person better. instead it made u turn away from the fundamentals where u are from... it doesn't make u a better person, instead, it seemed to have turn u into something worse. i'm disappointed. perhaps, i have to understand that not everyone is like me, who understands that underlying everything, how u come into the world, how u have been brought up, couldn't have been totally attributed to u only.

u are the one who was so valiant and brave in protecting your own beliefs and statements. however, when it actually comes down to doing what u say, u are actually a coward. u bully, say and do spiteful things. when someone is angry or pissed, u do stuff back, but rationally. however, u spite. i really hope u can see underneath all the makeup u are really just this kind of person. yes, that is what i can see. well, if u firmly believe that u have what it takes to mete out punishments of your own merit, what u believe, then good for u. one point to note, love doesn't always make u someone better.

u know why it is sometimes so very difficult to make someone say something? u actually ask a very simple and direct question. the kind that merits no complexitiy in answer. yet, people always evade u to answer.... and then, the result? you are labelled as someone who in simple words, who tend to have their own beliefs abt something. i understand why is it tiring. things to me, are very simple. just ask, get the answer, problem solved. others just want to make things difficult, then evade, in the end, more issues and problems crop up. perhaps, i'm just not in a very good mood right now. i just want to vent alright. really, why does things always turn out like that. sometimes, u want to be understood. sometimes u just want to understand. must there be such a game to play? i really don'y understand.

yes, i'm in a bad mood...
the first thing that i thought when i did the acc2 paper was that the topics are familiar. where, the topics that i study relatively well and in-depth were familiar and that logically speaking, i should be able to answer. i thought i did too. for the first time, u know the topic, u know what to do. yet, i was at a loss.... don't even really know what to do. and the feeling gets heavier and heavier, the idea that something is wrong. it's the first time i ever had such a feeling towards a paper. damn. and i really gave my best. it's to the extent that i felt like crying halfway. i just hope now that what i gave was really my best. pls, just let me pass.....

am i really that untrustable... whenever there's good news, i find it hard to contain it within myself... i just have the urge to share it. that's not really an excuse i guess. but to me, i never really thought of hiding one thing from another, because, simply, we are family, and to me, there should be no secrets between family members. i just gather this is something that others can't understand. i should not hope for others to understand at all, because, it's just too complex.... and i should just understand that family members should aid one another in treating one another like strangers... just understand them... i do... so maybe i should really just learn to keep my mouth shut....

there are many instances whereby i question myself. how much i can keep to myself, how much i tell others. i think i can justify for myself in this way. i share alot with people. i have this ability to really just talk abt myself and get others to talk abt themselves. so, to me, i don't really think we have to purposely hide things. this is probably incongruent with what most people think... they have some part of themselves that they want to hide... i should learn to understand that too... haiz, really, in life, we have to learn alot from others... to help in learning ourselves more....

i keep... no, i can't help but think a little of what this period would be.... sometimes, when i look at u, i can't help but think that all of this should belong to me. not a very long time ago, it did belong to me. and i know, u did not take it away. the blame, if there really is any, is that i was being taken for granted and unappreciated. even if i'm not, i can't help but wonder, will i still have all that belong to me in the first place. or subsequently, it will all be slowly but surely drained away... are all relationships like that? when someone finds someone to replace u? u will just be a distant part of someone's memory, or not even at all. it's so scary, how people can be so easily replaceable. i've always beg to differ from yoke's point... i believe that not everyone can be replaceable. but often then late, i keep having these thoughts... i can't help but think forget it, why bother to mend a distant and broken relationship. is it really worth it? don't know... really tired....

haiz. i must adhere to my studying timetable. i must not let a repeat of today happen again. must do my best for the rest of the papers.... all the best to everyone...!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

seldom am i at a loss on what to blog... haha.... after thinking for a while, i've decided what to talk abt... and no, not gonna start with the exams... =)

so, i was rather taken aback when my younger sis commented on my msn nick, which in other words, was proclaiming my singlehood and independence.... she asked me to remove it, saying that i'm announcing it to the whole world. my first reaction was, so? i was not overtly concerned abt what others may think abt it... so, this comes to my main point. i suddenly realise that i've never thought much abt how others might think of me. in a personal capacity that is. i mean, life's really short, and having to encompass all that others are thinking abt u, ain't it very tiring?

the truth is, i do care very much so abt who might think of me, which is only applicable to ppl whom i care very much abt. and what they say do affect me very much, it also depends on what issues that is. the people who affect me the most are my parents.... after that, not many people can affect me on to a large extent. especially with what they say. issues, they do... however, after a while, when it gets repetitive, it also loses it's impact rather quickly.....

perhaps, that is why so, i'm quite a happy-go-lucky person. i let go of things relatively fast. well, things to do with my love life, i don't really get over it that quickly though. haha, channelling the wrong energies in the wrong places i guess... well, i'm kind of glad of the way i treat and deal with issues... not letting things affect me is quite a good way. however, my advice is not to let too many things not affect u, because, after a while, u realise it takes a lot to rock the boat in the sea. and when things do shake me, they shake really hard. the imapct is more than what u can take... yupz, so, moderate things i guess... haha...

so, the exams... i'm slacking too much already. right now, i should be studying!!! help! well, i'm gonna try my best to finish as much as possible. if only i'm not so easily distracted by people!!!! always talking when i should be studying!! haha....

hopefully, i can watch superstar tonight. but i don't think so! so much stuff not done... i'll see how it goes i guess.... i must do well!!! stop playing!!!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

it's such a lazy day!! just refused to get out of bed!! haha... yes, gotta start studying soon... but just let me enjoy my morning first... =) watching mtv at you tube!! haha...

had a nice time with yoke yesterday at can 2 after the paper... we hadn't talk in ages... for the rest of the paper, we must all try our best okay!

okay.... i've watching too much videos... forgot what i wanna blog... haha... come back later...

Saturday, November 18, 2006

okay, the topic that i will start first will be of course, about the upcoming exams... haha.... just hope that i study finish what i intend to. and seriously, pray that everything stays in my head! haha... really can't wait for it to be over man....

okay... what shall i talk abt today... hmm, perhaps, about family i guess... these few days of studying at home actually foster stronger relation between my dad and i... haha... gratified in a way, as it shows that my dad and i are not that far apart as i thought... no matter what, i do appreciate my parents... a lot, sometimes, in the asian context, we do not show how much we love them and how much they love us, we must be sure that they do... too bad, they are my parents... haha....

quite happy in a way, that my thoughts nowadays are mainly focused to getting the information in my head... however, other thoughts do creep in here and then... or more specifically, i will think of thoughts during last semester, during this period... luckily, those thoughts float away relatively fast, or i will seriously die for not being focused enough! haha... many thoughts also tend to drift inside me.. well, perhaps, will address it when i have more time to articulate out carefully what i want to say....

guess what?! u never know how much tv shows are actually interesting when u start watching them... haha, well, i'm a miracle ain't i? watching shows during exam period... haha.... sometimes, think i slack far too much... well, the time is already spent, no point crying over split milk... was watching prison break today... didn't realise that it's very nice! will try to catch it after exams... then with superstar! omg! i love it!!! talents are great this time round and i hope i can learn more songs... haha...

okay... back to studying i guess... =(

=) for it to end so soon!!!

Friday, November 17, 2006

it's always at this time of the night that i really feel like calling it a day and just go to sleep. however, i remeber that i really have tons of studying that doesn't seem to subside any moment that i try to study and hope that everything goes in... studies, don't know whether i've put in enough or not, but i'll certainly do my best... my most feared subject is surprise surprise, acc2, and i really hope i muster enough confidence and not just the usual slack attitude which usually result in a grade that is below expectations. or worse, passing grade. just that, i must know that i know... something like that... haha...

sometimes it's really hard when u are caught in the middle of things. for instance, u say u can't trust me on this, i was like, what the heck, what do u want me to do? selfish, that is what i call u. if u don't want to tell me, let me know, it's really fine. ultimately, u want me to support u, and the end result? things that u do not want to hear. so, after that, i'm guilty of giving u the wrong information? in either ways, i'll be labeled something. why not then, look into yourself, whether u are living a lie or not? if u really is fine with that, then, u learn to live with it. because, u will get punished sooner or later. at the expense of family? selfish. u always think of yourself, how the whole damn world has did something to u. what abt u yourself? what have u done that is so great and that is needed to be jotted down in history books? ask yourself this, before u start blaming the whole world for every single thing. u are just plain selfish.

i'm really sick at how things go round sometimes. fine, u don't trust me. wth. and u expect things to go on as usual, u can probably do that, but i can't, becuase i can't stand liars. u want me to be on your side or whatever, i'm just your sister. hope that u are rational enough to know what is right or wrong. no one has betrayed u alright. it's just how things work out sometimes. and if u insist on persisting in something that u know has no future. good luck again, u need it to fight the war.

i will do well in my studies! i will do well in my exams! i will, because, simply, i have to...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

it really has been a long long time since i last blogged.... properly blogged... well, not for any particular reasons, just that, don't think that anyone wanna read abt my preparation for exams, or rather the lack of it... haha... so far, been feeling relatively quite calm abt studies, albeit, lagging. i'm still hopeful that i can finish studying everything. well, i have come up with a contingency plan, which is to not really sleep much during the exams when it start next monday. haha, well i survive it? when i have been sleeping much too much!! haha...

okay, truth to be said, my mind is not really on my studies. i have some stuff bothering me and really, for once, it's not abt that person. surprise surprise...

i have always been rather careful to seem as though i'm not making someone functional or that i'm using them. to me, i don't want that to be the intention or anything, because, that is certainly not mine. however, it cannot really be helped since many a time, it will be seen as though the situation is such. perhaps, i'm sensitive, or not? i have been made used of by people and therefore has swore not to towards anyone. i'm really sorry if i have portrayed such intentions or even behaviour, it's really sucky.... sometimes, it's beyond my comprehension that everyone's thoughts seem to wander wildy and seems to settle far too much on the negative. i think simply, perhaps, in this event, i hurt people. i don't think until things happen. or i take action when things do actually happen. i just hope it's not too late and that people who care and understand will welcome my wrongdoings with a generous heart? thank you dears...

sometimes, or often than not, i've always thought abt isolation, loneliness, abandonment. these thoughts are plauging me very often nowadays. more than i care too admit. i don't understand why i let this insecurity come into me... perhaps, i'm really fearful of riverting back to the old me, riverting back to the old days, or simply, i'm afraid to be alone. i don't know, and i don't really want to question it. will i survive? probably i think. i have always been a surivior, sort of, fighter, sort of? i think, even though, i might not react fast enough, time will always aid any adaption process?

haiz, i really don't wish for any stuff to come between us. it's really like volcanoes, not knowing when things will erupt, a time-bomber, not knowing when it will explode. everywhere, everyone, it seems like i'm always on a high. is it that i give this kind of feeling to people? the instability? that i'm gonna run away on them anytime. the fear of trusting me anymore? hurt, yes, i am... but i'll cope with it too.

more often now, even when i'm surrounded by people, i find myself walking alone. thoughts of resentment are supposed to infiltrate me, but none came. am i that accepting of things? or perhaps, i've stop fighting for a losing war? that, things, will be like that. it's not that everyone's changing, it's just that i've not changed enough to fit the changing environment? i hope not, i can and i will adapt.... i refuse to see that i'm alone. because, i'm that stubborn, or delusional.... =)

dear yoke, jiayou okay... seldom talk to u because i'm seldom online.... no matter what, hope u are not stressed out and you can do it!! all the best!!

dear peishan, miss u lots! call me after exams and we exercise! good luck!

dear hui qi and hwee min, thanks for the encouragement, we'll play manz, that's the promise!!

okay, hope that my nose is better so that i can study with eyes wide open!!! and probably go running too... cheers!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

it's been a damn long time since i've last blogged... haha... well, nothing much has been happening except for the upcoming exams. which i think, cannot be considered as something exciting...? unless someone begs to differ...? anyone? haha, okay, been pretty lame...

anyway, celebrating jm's bday tmr... yoke, it's really for u manz... =)

haha... hope to have some fun tmr... pls, no studying?

perhaps, much thoughts to blog about, but they have been left on paper somewhere... hmmz. so that's abt it, i guess...?

jiayou everyone...!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

have u ever wondered what ppl are saying abt u? haha, for me, i usually talk abt others, more so, abt cute guys... so, ya.... good things, bad things? doesn't really matter. but it'll be really interesting to know what they are saying right? well, for stuff that i don't really wanna know, then heck. but sometimes, the playful side of me do really wanna know... kpo mahz... haha...

anyway, gonna mug at woodlands library indefinitely... so, anyone wanna join me, let me know alright? haha.. cheeers... good luck for exams everyone!!
from today onwards, i'm gonna stop questioning, stop asking and stop wondering abt worthless things. i've found my inner peace abt 2 days ago.... and i'm glad i did. God is true. other things are not. that is what i believe.

Monday, October 30, 2006

first and foremost, no more reports!! no more presentations!!! till to the end of the year at least!! haha... today's presentation was rather alright for me. i think this course has given me a certain amount of confidence whenever i present. thankfully, the tutor is not bad... but much to be said is still there... kind of stressed out by the failure to achieve. towards certain modules, have been procrastinating. i guess, no more!! have to really pull up all my socks and perform! study!! in the midst of it, i want to regain back my health=figure. haha, getting real fat nowadays, watching tv like nobody's business and eating lots!!! hopefully, my motivation will be there!

any kind of relationships is damn hard to maintain, either between lovers, friends, family, strangers, simply, any kind. there is really no right or wrong. perhaps, the only source for contention is the effort that is put into it, the feeling of whether u want to put in it to make it work. i sound like i know a lot, well, it's just from my own experience and what i observe. for my own experience, let's just put it aside for a while first.

yesterday, my parents were having a shouting match with my twin sis, and i was finding it hard to concentrate. luckily, it didn't escalate into something that is too major, otherwise, i would die seriously for my presentation. the point is, my sis has her own points and my parents theirs. both are reasonable. the solution simply is to recognise one another points, what are they saying, learn to give and take, accept some of the other party, and then, accept that u are wrong. this is a really good solution so that things can work out without turning relations into something bad. easier said than done. what abt inner feelings of pride? senority? life ain't that easy after all.

now, let's move on. the relationship between lovers. perhaps, i just happen to be "lucky" that i know of different situations of friends', sisters' relationships stuff. it actually taught me lots of stuff. between lovers, how do u measure if they are spending enough time together? how do u measure if one person is too reliant on another? how do u measure what the other party will feel if u are too tired? how do u measure when enough is enough? more importantly, how do u measure when the other person simply just want time for himself or herself? wow, do not ask me. it is really difficult to solve lovers' problem... haha...

ok, the next would be friendship. i've always thought friendship is not that difficult to maintain. as long as the heart is there, the effort is there, it is really enough. actually, this is really enough. what people usually didn't expect is the expectations that friends place upon one another. is it misplaced or displaced or already replaced? well, all of us have friends, it's really up to u to judge. i dare to say, i have always tried my best to be there for my friends. those that really mean to me, they will know. and i hope and really wish we have more happy years to come.

any more relationships? hmm, what abt the one that is between people u simply don't know how to face? i've taken the first step already. i started this "war" too. the question is, is there any right or wrong? i don't think so. u done what u think is best, i did too. if u ask me how to salvage the situation, i don't have the answer. i do think abt what u wld do, i don't even know how to react or even if i want to. pride, is that the downfall of everything? for me, i've never care much abt pride. i simply see it as something that has to be done. i did. and, let's just see?

the next, is simply, u don't know what the opposite sex think, especially if he's your damn good friend. i don't really know, but i can guess a little. the thing is, i don't think i'm wrong, because, i'm usually wrong and would not think that way. i really hope that i'm wrong, because, i don't know if i can return your good intentions. the seriousness i've given to this issue is rather colossal. right now, i really hope u do not come and do anything, because, i usually do not know how to reject anyone, just don't let me be in this dilemna alright. i'm not really for the thought that feelings can be cultivated in the sense that i don't really wish to cultivate anything like that with anyone yet. it's not that i'm not ready, i'm scared and dman full of apprehension. leave me alone?

haha. many relationships. long time since i've blogged so much. must be feeling rather euphoric after my freedom!! haha. going running later. there's something seriously wrong with my left ankle. but, well, if i'm in hospital, u know why okay? haha....

Thursday, October 26, 2006

dear sis... be strong k, sometimes, things happen for a reason because it makes u feel stronger after what u have been through. and if he really treasure it, and u do, don't do anything stupid okay?

guess maintaining relationships are not that easy after all... haha.... since i comment on others what more should be said abt myself? not very good at handling any kind of relationships at all... i guess... i don't understand sometimes why i understand ppl more than myself? shit... perhaps, it's really because the fact that i'm more mature. haha. just let me believe in that okay? i wasn't really surprised when i was told that u distance yourself from me on purpose. if there's anything to blame on, just blame it on my sensitivity.... i do sense things okay.... i didn't really think u would do that, but i wasn't surprised. just let me say, why are u so afraid of staying good friends with me? is there some inner demons that u are afraid of, or simply, u do not dare to face me? let me clarify, for my part, i have no more laundry hanging on my bamboo anymore. since the day i knew that u are going after her, i wish u all the best.

i didn't expect us to be as close as before, but i didn't expect u to do it on purpose. u are the one who told me that there was this connection between us, in your own very words. fine, i was skeptical, wth, u were the one who said it. and then, is this what u are afraid of? haha... u selfish bastard. in my uni life, i consider 2 ppl the most important in my everyday life, and u are one of them, a person whom i thought i could call my good fren. well, i do miscalculate, and i really did. u abandon me. u used me in your own capacity when u needed someone to talk to. and since in your own very words again, u didn't send the wrong signals, then why are u purposely doing another thing. distancing. haha. u want distance, i give it to u. more than 100%. as my motto goes, whatever u embark on, do it well. u are the one who initiated it, i fulfill it then. i have taken the first step in many things and i think it's time to retire....

i was surprised that u didn't tell her abt us. once again, i miscalcualted. anyway, if it's any concern, be fair to her okay? and even if someone who doesn't really want to know about your past, and all the crap abt how the future is all that matters, u are a mature person i believe. and i really think u should be fair to her, or you don't want to jeopardise your own chances? haha....

no matter what, i will say it once and for all. it really doesn't matter anymore. that i will feel hurt, angry.... all the shit k. i have moved on. the very first day that i heard u are going after her. the reasons for doing so, it doesn't really matter and i don't really want to know. just that, all that u have do, all the little things, i just hope deep down in your heart and conscience, be honest and face me. in whatever capacity, i never wanted to lose a good friend, till u force me up the wall. i'm a human being, and i do see things, distancing, whatever that u are doing. don't do things that u don't want ppl to do to u.

i can't be more honest then right now. u've miscalculated. i did too. perhaps, now, let's do the calculations together? no matter what, i faced u didn't i? if u persist, then let's do it together i guess.... it really takes 2 hands to clap.

i really had a nice time since a long time ago. besides a certain person. haha.... perhaps, sometimes, some people are really sweet to me and i remember. haha. so long...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

i used to be someone who doesn't feel much for relationships. it was only that stupid incident which got me into caring mode. and i realise that i'm slowly getting out of it. i think i understand why my sis was damn unhappy with me in the past. it used to be just me and her. in the hols, without much friends. it's this very thought that i think kept us from really forming close relationships with our friends. and in the event that we do, it's really those that we really treasure from the bottom of our hearts. perhaps, the expectations that we have towards one another, we transfer them to our friends too. it is not really justified. haha, who ask us to be twins?

many things surrounding me nowadays. not that i don't really wanna say it out, just that, i don't feel like talking about things anymore. it's because they don't matter anymore. i always wonder, what's the point in saying abt things when they mean anything at all sooner or later. i think life was much simpler in the past, perhaps, less ppl to mingle with, or rather, lesser "obligations" in a way. to the people because u and i know that we will be friends, but just friends.

what abt the ppl who really matter to u? sometimes, i really wonder how much i measure in someone's heart. but do i really? it has been a long time since i last did that. i cease to care that much, because, i'm afraid that if i place any more expectations, i will not get back what i had in return? i don't understand why we have let so many issues come between us? when, we had so much more to hold on to? that's my opinion in any case. perhaps, i always thought that u will always be on my side, and when i realise that isn't the case, it really suxs. but i guess, u re-orientate yourself again, to make urself believe that u are wrong.

i'm not a coward like many ppl are. or maybe coward is the wrong word. i don't see the need to depend on someone who perhaps in every way can help me. i guess, it's just me and u really don't have to agree with me. holding on for friendship? when u don't mean alot to me, it's really easy. how to make someone irrelevant to u? easy. erase the memories. i've done it before. and i really hope that u will not make me do it. haha. it really ain't fair to both of us. haha. perhaps, this is really me when i can do anything i see deem fit. just getting what i really deserve, some justice. and then, u may ask, all these for justice? yes... giving up on ppl who doesn't give shit loads abt u... why not?

i sound like a crazy and angry idiot. i think for a long time, i have stopped bothering much abt how ppl see me. i'm getting back this attitude which is, whatever. u can see me in anyway u want, as long as my conscience is clear. i'm not a very nice person to live with when i'm like that. what to do, if u can, then i really appreciate it. if not, as i say, give up...?

i told my sis, i'm gonna lose all my friends one day. haha. and u really wonder at the extent that i thought abt this issue. i did. and, perhaps, we'll see how it goes? maybe the cynicism in me has gone, and i start caring more than what i'm doing now? probably without this incident, i wld never care for ppl more than i thought i could. and right now. i really don't feel like embarking on diplomacy. i don't understand my disgusting attitude towards lots of things. sch, sch work, ppl. it ain't really anyone's fault, but mine. i think i'm trying to reduce the significance of my life.

haha. what a dumb dumb. hiya. don't ask me anymore. i don't really know what i am doing any longer. towards ppl, studies, sch. anything. myself even. maybe i'm killing myself slowly day by day. i don't know. yeah? just don't come ask me.

the happiest time of my life is spent at home right now. i always dread sch. it's not even from the committments that i have. i feel like hibernating. isolating. don't ask me why. just have this feeling. yeah. i know it's not healthy. anyone want to save me?

erasing memories. maybe i'm stopping myself from creating more. u ask me if that's right? healthy or not? i'll just ask u.... aren't u suppose to stop urself from feeling hurt? yeah.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

i'm really quite a bimbo this week. correction. i've been a bimbo this week. haha, that means i've been doing nothing constructive at all! die! haha. been watching the show, e mo zai ni shen bian. actually, it also means devil by your side. i'm such a dumb dumb. i can tear even when i watch a teen idol drama. haha. i was really reminded of my own experience. even though teen dramas are not reflective of reality, does it really deviate from the truth? i am very touched at how insistent that the ppl in the show fight for their love. perhaps, in reality, ppl don't do that because they deem it's impossible, or rather, the love is not that strong.

i've always believed that when u love someone, u are able to improve on the person and not because u want to change that person into someone he or she is not. haha. but that's just me, i've never ever been in love before. it's really the show getting to me... haha. actually, truth to be said, the story line is not that strong, or rather, the directing is rather weak. it was in a chronological order, so a little predictable i guess. haha. i like one phrase in the show: in this winter christmas season, let me draw the shapes of happiness for u. haha. i really like it. perhaps, there's very little drama, in the sense, the antics that the lovers do for each other are not overt, just simple and touching.

okay la, it was a really good distraction from the shit that i've been facing recently. not really shit but i guess, just not really up and happening. haha. i really have to do work now!!! been really flippant with my tutorials recently.

i'm really touched that my relatives are concerned abt me. always talking to me about my results, personal life. i really do appreciate it, because, i don't see them very often, yet they do remember and ask me. i always tell them, it's okay. i'm not that dumb. truth is, even if i'm suffering inside, would i tell them? for a moment, i really wanted to pour out everything. but i realise, i will not, it's really not worth it, for him.

it really funny sometimes how u can really relate to someone who has the same experience as u. more often than not, they will understand, and perhaps, tell u what u really want to hear. that's why, i think, some people is talkable to some issues and some are not. anyway, after talking to u, i feel really much better. it's like a great stone that is lifted out of me. as what the show says, i will always be by your side, protecting u. i know that somehow, among everyone, i'm not alone. there will always be someone out there, who understands. who is willing to listen.

after my aunt talked to me a little, or attempted to, i realise that, i was the one who made the choice right from the beginning. i didn't really expect us to fail the test. or rather, i really wanted to test how strong ppl's will and belief can be. i got my answer admist all the pain. was it worth? haha. since when has pain been willing and understanding to me? a lesson learnt, that really was it i guess... the decision i've made has really everything to do with it. for me, i really can't live and accept someone who has abandon me in every way. i know the consequences, but i welcome it. not really welcome, i accepted it. come what may, our affinity has ended already. i don't feel sad though, i've expected it. all those fear/insecurity in me, perhaps, it's just how much i understand u i guess. i forsee everything really well. everything fitted nicely into my vision. so, good luck to u in everything. some people are those that leave footsteps in the muddy water, they wash away. i have those who leave imprints. they are ones whom i know will never go away, no matter how far i go, no matter how bitchy i can be. they are there.

have not blogged in such a long while. this is the longest i have not blogged. perhaps, i really do not want people to see me. some things, they should be kept hidden as long as possible. the scars especially. they should not show at all. as the show says, do not try to be strong, u do realise that there are someone who's willing to share it with u. will i find that someone? do i want to? time will tell, God has made the plans for me. i trust You. it really is all there is to it. God, Jesus, i've chosen You right from the start.

Monday, October 16, 2006

i'm getting back my identity, haha... that's good news. BUT, i'm not really sure it's the kind of identity that most can relate to.... perhaps, not used to seeing this part of me.... i've changed into somebody that i'm not, and seriously, perhaps, that is what is wrong. where is the dare? where is the heck care attitude? where is the moodiness? i've become someone, well, many say that is nice. but it is really not me. i have not felt really good in a long time, i've discovered that this is me and that nothing can take it away. haha.... so yeah...

i've always ignored ppl that i hate or rather, ppl that i really don't care. and i did it! i felt really at ease with myself. i've reached this conclusion. i have always cared abt the friendship, cared abt everyone, that things remain alright, i've cared that nobody is caught between us. but what is the result? i felt really miserable, i felt that nobody can understand. that is a misconception, perhaps, i didn't try hard enough to let ppl understand. right now, it is no longer important. i don't yearn to be understood anymore. i've cared too much, and it's time to let go. i will not force myself to be happy for them, i do bless them, but that does not mean i want to see them, that i want to let them know that i'm okay with it. i tried so hard, means and ways, telling lies, white lies, because i want to, let them love freely. what's the point? nothing ever is returned back to me. it used to hurt, i've let it go too. now, i want myself back. i want ME to be back. no more ms nice, no more acting, no more pretense. who cares? nobody will really care in the end when they have each other. that's it. i think i sound bitter. i will not lie. i have not forgive and don't ask me to. i can't do it now. bitter. maybe, to a certain degree. and i think the best way to do is to let go, be myself.... =)

i have lots of work to do. damn sianz. hiaz... how i wish i can play more... haha...

Saturday, October 14, 2006

some people relish in routine stuff, whereby things are the same, that they have something to fall back on. i realise that i'm not really that kind of person. materiallistically, yes, i am. i do want to be sercue with the fact that i have enough money to go round my life. however, towards things that i have to do, i don't really like it. that's why, i think i'm bored with sch nowadays. it has become a routine. the same things i do, the same ppl i meet, the things i discuss. perhaps, i do not have the anticipation of seeing the ppl i want to see, the ppl i want to talk to. because, i seldom get my wish. that's why, sch is such a chore. bored.

i need some challenge in my life. my studies? i don't know. not really worried abt it yet, till perhaps i start studying and realise how much i don't know. that is still at the back of my mind.

happiness is a choice. i realise that. i have been coping well. i think i'm bored with life that's why i keep finding things, to keep my mind busy. dumb? always causing myself more harm than necessary. well, that's just me i guess. haha. it is gonna be my new motto. from now on, no more bothering much abt others' opinions. since when has mine mattered? i feel much better.

my aunt treated us to crabs! really wonderful crabs! haha, love it! thanks!!!

just watched crossroads and the song reminds me of something. haha. my youth.

i'm not a girl, not yet a woman - britney spears

I used to think
I had the answers to everything
But now I know
Life doesn't always
Go my way, yeah...

Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize...

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between

[Verse 2]
I'm not a girl
There is no need to protect me
Its time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own
I've seen so much more than u know now
So don't tell me to shut my eyes

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

But if u look at me closely
You will see it my eyes
This girl will always find
Her way

I'm not a girl
(I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe)
Not Yet a woman
(I'm just tryin to find the woman in me, yeah)
All I need is time (All I need)
A moment that is mine (That is mine)
While I'm in betweenI'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time (is All I need)
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman

Friday, October 13, 2006

to u: thank you for the dinner today. haha, it was rather unexpected but i enjoyed nice pizza!

to u: didn't realise i was that down until i chatted with u just now. really made my day. thanks alot. haha... i will be your date one day.... haha....

to u: this is the most difficult of all. i asked my sis a question today. will u avenge me by being on my side, after what he has done to me? she says, perhaps no, most like no. the reason i asked her was because i wanted to know if what i am feeling is unwrranted for. yes, i don't expect everyone to feel like me, that's why i need to seek more opinions on this matter. i realise that i have resented till now, that u are not on my side more than i feel u should. it is really unjustified that i should feel this way. that's just the way i am. i do think alot abt ppl, when i feel threatened by others. yes, i admit, i don't like others to come between us. but it has already happened. i don't know if i'm coping it in the right way, perhaps i am. but i do resent that the four of u will somehow have your own world that excludes me. if u do not see why i'm not very happy at that, then there's nothing more i can say. i'm not asking u to stop or not to do anything, u see, i need more time to cope with it. i don't like ppl to run away from me. if i do get the feeling, in order to prevent me from being hurt, i will run away first. i don't want to be hurt anymore. i have a history that is not very nice and if u want to do it to me, pls let me know first alright? don't ask me what i'm resenting, because i don't even know. all i know is that i'm not very happy nowadays, and i don't know why. i'm not taking it out on anybody, or asking anyone to do anything abt it... that's just the way i am.

to me: i hate sch nowadays. i have never felt this way for a long time. i have been looking forward to school since uni. it's only recently that i feel the need to be away from it. have been poning sch nowadays, and i have never done that in a long time. yeah... things are changing. well, what the heck. they are.

my results suck big time. i know what's wrong. and the sad thing is, i need to do more abt it. hiaz.

i guess, i really am really wallowing in alot of self-pity. but well, i think i have abt enough of thinking of the big situation with everyone in mind. what i am planning to do will not have a difference to anyone, and that makes sense of everything. i'm not causing hurt and that is enough for me... cheers, i guess...

Monday, October 09, 2006

i'm very very very very tired. i need to sleep seriously. i was standing on the train on the way back. can u believe it? i was sleeping too. yes, i'm really very tired. this week is not gonna be a nice week, i have many datelines to meet. and for the first time in my life, well, since year one at least, i have never felt that there are actually stuff that i cannot accomplish even if i don't sleep. i need lots of luck man. really.

sometimes, i hate it when people make promises and never keep it. i do that sometimes, but it was towards little things. things that don't really matter. u have made me a promise, but i think u have never guessed that in your life, u can never keep it. don't ask me, i have never thought it too. why did u make me the promise? when all i see them now, are just unfulfilled and empty. it is with this, that i did what i did. there really is no right or wrong in this matter. i see it as a natural course of things that would happen and is happening. i'm beyond the part whereby i'm so intent on thinking whether it hurts or not, because i expected it, i can cope with it. just that, u are the one who made the promise, and yet, somehow or another, i'm expected to fulfill your promise for u. can u understand? it ain't working this way.... there's only a limit that i can do. pls understand.

it's really sickening to see things sometimes. i thought that people would at least adhere to what they say, but they didn't. once, twice, is alright... but all the time? sometimes, i really do wonder how am i going to react to it? pretend i didn't see it? how to? just act as though it's so normal even when i'm not that comfortable with it... i sound bitter? correction. i'm not. it's just irritating, and really, i don't have to witness it. yet i am... the irony of it....

four little black birds sitting on a tree.

(you get what i mean)

life suxs.... does it? because u think it does... acutally it doesn't, i have so much more to live for and better. and that doesn't involve someone, any obligations at all. just to myself, i'm selfish this way. i like to preserve myself. right now, really, don't disturb me, i'm not really in the mood to see....

Sunday, October 08, 2006

i'm getting quite bored with my layout and design already. shall change the design and everything after the exams.... haha, must source for a new one with nice design that really shows myself! any suggestions? perhaps all blood red... haha...

this is a really bad time to want to watch tv all the time! haha.... finally, other things than the com to distract me.... instead of spending more time on more appropriate things like studies, i watch the tv... haha.... and i'm not feeling guilty! save me!

much work to be done... oh no! starting to feel the heat already.... really lots to be done... i must do well, i must do well, i must do well, i must do well... how many times i have told myself this, yet i don't seem to be doing anything to make this come true! i really don't want to disappoint people who care and most of all, myself.... good luck man...

i got a feeling i have lots in me yet somehow, i really don't know how to say it out. i have not been thinking abt many things... friends, family.... somehow, i only allow myself the luxury to think abt intangible things only when i'm walking.... running... the rest of the time, i'm focus.... but is it enough? most of the time, i'm not really doing things that are important... i must change! must! must! must!

yesterday, something really bad happen to myself... by all accounts, i even say it's bad.... haha, must get used to it i guess... since it has been happening everytime it happens. i want to think it's normal, and i believe it's normal because it has to be... haha...

take care everyone....

Saturday, October 07, 2006

today is a relatively tiring day.... perhaps, i let the emotions overwhelm me, in the sense that i really did. i'm really really glad that things are alright between yoke and i.... misunderstandings when not solved will really make or break a relationship between 2 ppl.... really glad in that aspect....

i think that ultimately, when u care for someone, either friends or family, all u want is happiness for them... i seldom think it at the expense of me or anything, i just think that if they are happy, that's all that matters.....

i did something very foolish today. it always happen whenever i hear stuff of them... what to do? i have reconciled already. no matter what, i do care.... and alot in fact.... what's there to hide? i do care alot... not the issue, but the person. i realise all the time, putting up a happy face, maintaining that there's nothing wrong. it is in my subconsicious. i don't understand why i do that, i should be feeling much more than just doing all that. i've come to my answer today. i care, that's why, when i see that u are happy, i feel happy for u. it's not some noble shit k, it's just a feeling... hiaz.... i can't believe, i'm that passive and hate myself sometimes..

life's really funny. don't understand how it can treat u in a certain way. there's a reason by God and i will find it one day.

pain. what is pain. it is when it hits u when u least expected it, after numbness for so long. i hope that i don't have to feel it again. i think the final impact will happen very soon. i don't know how i'll cope with it, i'll find a way.

sianz. i really must work hard. hiaz. results, please motivate me... u have to, really. let me see the light alright... pls do, thank you...

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

i realise that i have not been blogging for a while. haha.... been really busy this week, with stuff to hand in and tutorials to do. haha... went to watch stay alive yesterday... when i was watching the show, it was quite alright.... however, before i slept yesterday, i was a little freaked out!! have been daydreaming a tad bit too much... haha... luckily, managed to sleep...

feeling tired these 2 days... gotta try to sleep earlier, after settling the PBL report. sometimes, even though the society is very realistic, i just wish people don't have to act the same way. it's very irritating. what has happened to depending on one's own capabilities.... yes, other ppl are doing, but try not to do too much of it? it's like u are so seriously helpless and stupid.... well, that's just me i guess.... getting irritated when people just like to rely so much on others... is there such a need? it's ur own project, not any others. u can't always rely on others all your life. have confidence in yourself. if u don't have what it takes, that means u don't have... why aren't u aware at how others will look at u sometimes? aargh!

okay... vent some frustrations.... been really happy... well, firstly, because, i guess, contented with the fact that i know i'm not always alone. i will treasure the ppl around me more. i didn't in the past, and i really regretted it... sometimes, it's always a blessing in disguise how things turn out. if that didn't happen, our r/s would not been better than before. =)

i'm getting fat! very fat! i must lose all the weight!! save me!!

Friday, September 29, 2006

today is a happy day!!!! i had lunch at 3 plus!!! all the starving was worth it!!!!! haha, i was rewarded with a nice meal at cafe cartel. it's called hawiian meat lovers... haha.... treated my sis too, to sirlion steak! yay! after that, we went to motorola to repair my phone. it took such a long time!! i was watching mr bean cartoons!! so nice!!! haha...

ok, i'm officially very very broke!!! i spent about $150 on clothes and shoes!!! die! cannot buy anything more!! but i was very happy because i have not gone shopping for a long long time! really miss it... had a nice time with twin sis too! haha... such a bad influence, always asking me to buy lots of things!!!!

hiaz. crash! back to earth! i need to do my co law assignment soon! and i mean now!! good luck man!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

went to the gym at toa payoh safra with peishan yesterday!! i have not swam and exercise like real hard for ages already!! i think i exercised a bit far too much, cos my left knee was hurting real bad, where each step causes intense pain... i just went to sleep and this morning, i thought it was getting better... but when i was climbing the stairs, i almost got killed! haha... but it's getting better know, thankfully...

it was great meeting peishan! and of course, jonnathan... haha... it's great talking to u... really miss u lots!!!! and dear, your dear is very nice from the first impression! haha, take care k, we'll meet soon!!!

thanks yoke for treating me kfc dinner... really was very touched... u must take care too....

my students pass their practical exams for grade 3 and grade 5!! my first time! haha, and the grade 3 one got a merit! so happy! haha.... it gives me the confidence to pursue my secret dream... yay!! nothing can drown my mood... and i mean nothing!! haha...~!

yeah, must do work soon!!

Monday, September 25, 2006

hiaz. did real badly for acc quiz. 2 stupid mistakes. damn. hiaz. really quite down over it. why is it that when u have put in effort, and then, it turns out not what u hope for. i just want a pass, is it that difficult? hiaz. won't let it get it to me, i guess. what's done has already been done. but am feeling quite down about it. hiaz.

hady won singapore idol. even though my mum was rooting for jonathan, i was rather caught. hady clearly did better... well, see how it goes, it terms of the album sales. but i will buy hady's album... haha...

don't know why. perhaps, been alone too much, then those feelings will come back. i don't know why. everyone thinks the whole issue is done with. because, he's after someone, and everything is supposed to have ended with me. my feelings, the closeness. everything. i don't know what is expected of me. am i to stop talking abt it? i want to talk abt it, but perhaps, not talking abt it is the best thing. but nobody thinks i should, i don't know who to turn to. everyone just ask, u are alright with it right? and i say yes, because, that is exepected of me.

forgetting someone is not easy. coping with it is even harder. don't say that i can't because i don't want to. u are not in my shoes, u don't understand, and don't say it is. the only person i can talk to is someone i don't often see. hiaz. everyone just says he's a jerk, and then full-stop. don't talk abt it anymore. then, it's even worse, when he's everyone's good fren. u are suppose to say, yes, it's going very well. then smile, and say u are happy for them. in front of everyone, u can pretend. because when u do, u actually convince urself that things are okay. but who are u to kid, back at home, when u are alone, u feel real lousy. but then, u have to tell urself, things are over, u are not supposed to talk abt it, because nobody wants to hear. it's killing u somehow, but u have to cope with it.

weakness. i'm just human being. i can't do things at once, expect things to turn out fine. hiaz. helpless to all these.

i don't understand, how can u do that to me? when u should, u didn't, when u shouldn't u did it, so perfectly clean. have u ever wondered how it all seem to me? all those crap abt frenship. why does everyone see u for what u present. why they don't ever wonder at how u treat me. why? i think i know the ans. but i'm too afraid to type it down. hiaz. i'm just like any other person. in all your guys fun and laughter, i'm also just someone, who get hurt. i tried my best. and i don't know how long will it take. i got to remind myself time and time again, everything meant nothing. i must, otherwise, how am i to achieve it. tell me, tell me?

hiaz. i'm just down. quiz. this stupid thing. hiaz.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

i went to watch forbidden city yesterday! it was great, as expected. however, sometimes, i think singaporeans do take the term try to be liberal abit too literally. there are some areas as compared to the previous time, which were quite crude, and i was rather shocked by it. it marred the show a little. overall, did enjoy it! kit chan was great!!! i was in the front area, so can see the faces quite clearly... which is really not bad at all, as compared to the previous time... haha... had a nice time yesterday... went to asian kitchen for dinner, a place i've never been to before... not bad...

was talking with the guys, jy and ym... and i realise something, why bother so much about other things, when, tangible assets are the most precious of all. right now, what is concrete is what we can see and touch. the rest are just intangibles, which will hurt u no matter what. spare urself the hurt, by not actually going into those areas until ur tangible assets can override and comfort u when the intangibles hurt u. sometimes, i can't and refuse to lose anymore of what i already have. i'm gonna focus with what i can achieve and what i can do. i have spent too much of my time musing over things that don't matter. hearing others talk abt their dreams and plans, make me realise that i can do it too. i will.

i still stand by my point that people are practical. they always are. once they see u have no value to them, they just throw u aside, like some garbage. since it is so easy for one to throw the other away, i can do it too. it's really a simple act, take u by the arms, and toss it all away. it used to hurt really bad, now, there's just emptiness, nothingness. i have mastered the act of neutrality, or perhaps, it really is a simple case of, it's really nothing. there's nothing left in me, to give, to take. whatever, time will really tell....

have lots of projects these days. hiaz. good luck!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

change is the only constant. how true is that? before i address this question, i must say, i should be studying for my acc2, but, i really am feeling quite down, sad, or rather thinking alot, and i really wanna say what i feel...

i didn't expect many things. for one, i didn't expect our friendship to distance so much with the "intrusion" of someone. we used to talk abt almost anything, with time on our side, however, now, i gotta pick out things to tell u, in the event that i don't have time to tell u, or even have the opportunity to tell u. hiaz... it is necessary. i did forsee, just that the impact and extent of, was unexpected.... perhaps, i need to get really used to it. i really really miss u alot dear....

i really want to forget everything. in my heart, u are still there. why? i question alot abt this, i don't want u to be there. i want u to go away, far far away. i understand everything now, that it's impossible. i don't wish for anything, i don't hanker after anything. but my heart refuses to listen. do u know how much it is costing me? i want my friends to be happy, that's why i don't say anything. does it matter if i do? it doesn't matter, because, this whole issue is already settled. but why oh why, whenever i see u, i sense sadness. i can't help it. why are ppl so practical? why am i replaced so fast? the honesty of that word, replacement, is just so cutting. u don't need me anymore, simple as that. it is so different now, so so different. is that all to it? our friendship?

changes are necessary. u feel sad, but u do derive some happy points from it.

i'm focused now for my studies, if i want to, and most of the time, i can, even if my results doesn't show. i try my best.

i'm better friends with ppl i never thought could be. also thankful for that.

but why is it so often than not that we sink lower into our negative thoughts. my heart aches, the tears fall freely... i rub them away fiercely. is it because i miss u. and i can't talk abt u to u.

the issue should have been settled and covered in dust. i don't feel very good all the time, can someone tell me what to do? i am at a loss. hiaz. many questions with no ans.

okay, i have wasted enough time already. i should study. pls let me pass well...

Friday, September 15, 2006

life's really very interesting. how do u define strength and weakness? in my moment of weakness, i let tears come down. in my strength, i discovered that i can accomplish quite a number of things. lately, have been feeling rather happy, in the sense that i am happy with the current situation. sch life, friends, nothing that is weighing me down that much. perhaps, the feeling that i'm not doing enough with sch work, having inadequate discipline and with coming quizzes.... really need to put in much effort to uderstand the readings!!! yesterday's quiz was quite terrible. just hope that i did not get that much mistakes so that i can get a satisfactory grade relatively easy in the end. i can hope can't i?

was just starting to really think abt things lately too. don't know the reason why, as there's not really much to think abt... hiaz... sometimes, i wonder why do i like to make lilfe difficult for myself. i know it's not really good to think abt things, but when one is alone, u can't help but really think abt things really in depth... then, tears do actually fall down. i don't see the point in talking abt things, but a moment of weakness do happen. it really does.

hurt. how do u define hurt? is it when some little things have a negative impact on u, or when the hurt is so deep that the wound can never be healed? i don't have an answer yet, but i have one that i do know. what's the point? i always question. to talk abt things that has no point at all. and, sometimes, u don't want it to matter. it matters, alot. but u have to think in a holistic environment and view. it matters to u, but to others, does it? then, what is the point really? hiaz. u tell me?

tiring to think. tiring to manage. tiring to question. accept things, live life. that's the way it is.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

i realise that i have not been talking much abt schwork, how am i coping and such. i happen to chance upon a fren's blog and realise that is what he's been talking abt. haha, perhaps, i should give some insights into it as it is the most important thing in my life right now, i guess. i have been putting effort into doing my tutorials i guess, listening and absorbing as compared to staring at the lecturers. right now, it's not bad, still understand most modules. the most terrifying one is accounting 2 as usual. i'm quite scared of it, because conceptual wise, still not that strong, and that, i don't really have time to do tutorial. haha, that's really my fault, cram 2 tutorials consecutively... really must plan better next sem! and i promise to complete it! the quiz is coming and i hope i do relatively alright! so many things to hand in!!

feeling physically tired nowadays... mentally is quite strong, i think? will want to finish my tutorials despite wanting to go to sleep many times... haha... and the thing is, when i'm tired, i really don't feel like doing anything!! aargh!!! damn!! i just go online and play lots of games!! like now... haha.... that's why, should not even go online in the first place?

just want to write short phrases here, titled, the wallpaper

the whole room, it is covering
empty, not a single space is
teddy bears, aeroplanes, flowers,
pictures of
all the time, it should be colourful.

shouting, the coat of painting beneath it seems to be
heard, to be.
chance, can it get?
to portray, that is what she wants.

left out, a corner has been
she has been waiting for, is it the opportunity?
should she?
flowers, teddy bears, aeroplanes,
or should she just fade in with?

conclusion, she has come to
river, she shall flow with
find the answers, she may
to be the wallpaper, or coat of paint.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

sometimes, i don't know what people want from me. i thought this is the best thing i can do and present to people, but apparently, it isn't. i'm confused, i act nochalant, yet people want to talk abt it. i became ignorant, yet, people don't want me to. i assume this is what everyone wants me to be, yet, it isn't so. then, what is it? i should stop assuming? yes, i do agree that i do too much of assumption making, i cause myself too much misery in any sense, but it's mine. do u understand? it's mine. i may sound like i want to indulge myself in misery. don't be mad, who wants to unhappy. oh my, u have no idea how much i tried to pull myself out of this stupid thing, u have absloutely no idea. u tell me to approach u if there's anything, oh, come on, what can u do? it's all so easy for u to say, it's all so easy for u to think it helps. this is an individual challenge, if i don't help myself, i have to depend on u forever? is that it?

what the hell, i'm sick of everyone acting like there's something wrong with me. don't get me wrong, i do appreciate the concern, i really do. however, i'm not a small girl anymore, the more everyone try to protect by hiding, the more i find it hard to deal with. i be ignorant, nochalant, and that is not what u want. what do u want me to do? and it hurts, when i know it's over, and i can't talk abt it, because it's over already. sometimes, i do wonder if i'm trying to create something, but that is seriously not the person i am. i see all of u guys everyday, i have to pretend that everything's fine when i'm not suppose to know a freaking thing?! yeah. if u can do it, so can i right, let's all pretend.

the problem is created by us. yeah, by us. damn, i don't understand u know. all these things. why is there the need to do all these. telling me things through ppl. i believe it's up to me to decide whether i can protect myself yeah? i do appreciate the concern, yet the more i see it, why? protectionism, yeah, whatever. and guess what, i found out that what i thought i told in confidences were told to him. yeah, it was very surprising. what the hell. actually, i'm not pissed, but really really surprised. hiaz. what can i expect right, these things do happen.

i'm really sorry for doubting a good fren of mine. i was wrong and i apologise, sometimes, people tend to believe the worse, it actually makes everything seem better? there's a lot more that we could have talked abt, is there a need? U say there is, u always do. But tell me, is there? In the end, all of us will forget everything, u will in a while. I will bear witness to it. I hope u are happy with the way things are now. Because, I am, and I will deal with it my own way.

U say I have a serious problem and I do not think u have a right to make any judgement. Perhaps, to u, it’s just a simple task of telling a fren what’s wrong, wanting the best for me. I see it as an insult, it’s who I am, the way I am is because of how am I brought up, and u have no right to make any judgement on it. Yeah, I say it’s my problem, it is. Whatever. We do not owe each other anything. U have moved on, I have, and I really hope that we do not have to talk abt this anymore. Help me by helping yourself. There’s nothing wrong with me.

Thank you everyone for coming along this journey with me. It’s over.

Monday, September 04, 2006

secrets. what are secrets? secrets are things that people tell one another, without intending for a third party to hear. i'm quite scared of them, because i have a tendency to open my big mouth. but i will not, because, i do want to be deemed as trustworthy. i tell my friends things because they are my friends, but i realise that things somehow don't work that way. i'm gonna try...

hiaz, i'm feeling quite sad at how things turn out between 2 people. for once, i'm not talking abt myself. haha, i do realise that i like to talk abt myself quite a bit, but it's my blog. anyway, i don't understand why things have to go to the point of no-return. at least, he didn't lie to u, why do u have to stop being friends with him? what a mess... no matter what, it's good to have more friends than lesser, since, he's good friends with u to start with i guess. but different people have different ways of thoughts...

the feelings of anger have subsided within me substiantially. i don't feel anything right now. to clarify, i didn't mean to provoke anything. i have already passed the point of that. just that, friends, i don't know. people always say, maintaining friendship is very important. but is it any cause for someone to lie at all? don't know. if it's fine, then it is. i still stand by my reasoning of not tampering or lying of feelings. it's actually one's emotions at stake. pls don't ever do that to me, it's really scary....

haven't been really keeping in contact with people much. gonna start trying. perhaps, the hols are so long that i have been meeting up with ppl. suddenly, it's cut, that i'm not really used to it. but glad that my sis and i are alright now. and that, i look forward to more peaceful days. there's nothing that i want more or any lesser. thank God....

Friday, September 01, 2006

i have a couple of committments, projects, presentations, other stuffs. that's why didn't blog for quite some time. i also don't really know how to blog, what to blog. i have been dealt with quite a nasty shock and i don't know how to deal with it. all in all, i have faced human nature at the very worst possible senario, situation. i have never thought that i will come to face with this situation. never.

i don't understand why. why u want to make a fool out of me? does it give u great satisfaction to have some degree of power over me, because u know u have a hold over me. i was wavering between moving forward or just stay the way it is. u have the answer already and u knew. yet u kept quiet. is that how u should treat a fren? u made me unable to move on. and u gave different versions of your part to me and another. why? am i so terrible that u see that i can be made a fool out of. why? am i so unapproachable that u want to lie to me? why? frenship. u selfish jerk. u want that. yet u made me so foolish. so distracted. damn it. why? why? why?

i have stopped wondering at why already. i do wonder, how can u lie to me so blatantly in the face? i really do see you at the lowest possible. u are someone infront of me, yet another behind me. i was just a joke to u. a problem. a damn freaking problem. i hate being ppl's problem, yet i am... a joke, a problem, that's how i am. i'm not even near the friendship word that u see it fine to lie to me. u played me, simple as that. led me on a wild goose chase. i was a willing player, and u played me beautifully like a flute.

life is so easily spelt out. u are making use of me. damn. and i let u. i trusted no one but myself, defended u. and yet, u are just that low. betrayal, that is the feeling. since u have made use of me, it's relatively easy to do the same too. u taught me that, remember. the day u decided to make a fool out of me, the day u decided that protecting your own feelings is much more important than anything else, the day u decided that i was just a problem, a joke, is the day u realise that life will often turn out not the way u want it. i believe in God, and i believe that u will get your retribution one day. u lied. that's it.

i'm really very tired. i don't feel that much anger or anything. injustice. played. like a fool. trust in u? save it. i can't anymore. like what the heck, like u care?

everyone ard me is like so far away. hiaz.

glad for family...

i miss many ppl.... hiaz

many stuff to do... good luck...

Monday, August 28, 2006

i still have this hollow feeling in me. which i wish fervently that it wld go away, so i wld stop coughing!! hiaz.... pls, let me get well soon.

i have to stop eating!! i have been eating too much!! aargh!! die le... hiaz.

crazy recently, thinking very stupid thoughts, partly with me being sick and all... i don't understand ppl much. i don't understand why ppl can just let go much? don't know, don't really wanna care...

replaced/displaced... don't really care...

just wanna read harry potter

just wanna carry life on peacefully

will i get my wish?

and stop feeling so much

Sunday, August 27, 2006

i hate being sick. it reminds me how vulnerable i am. how easily prone to touching acts i am. like i was reading the article abt close bonds between family memebrs, and i teared?! madness.... anyway, breathing now, still abit painful, cos throat is still hurting a little with some coughing. chest, feels heavy man, when i breathe... i hope i don't get any more chest pains. it's starting to freak me out now.... it's the 3rd time, of intense pain for abt half an hr... hopefully, it will not come again.... hiaz...

had pizza for dinner! i think i shouldn't have it. but my mum didn't say anything... haha... it's nice thought....

thanks for my granny for giving me ju hua cha!! it was not very nice tasting, but.... nice!

i will get better!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

i thought i would be very disappointed, even remotely sad. the thing is, i don't feel anything. i'm not even supressing anything at all... haha... i think, in my deepest feeling, i am, but, i have been running away from what i'm feeling nowadays that i'm too tired to distinguish if this is real or not....

it's quite tiring to act like i got the hots for many cute guys. it's so not me, but, somehow, i feel that i can prevent ppl from seeing what is actually inside, because, i'm kinda scared to feel, to grasp hold of what is actually felt by me. u may just say, then stop it! if it's so simple... i will do it. sometimes, i just do not want to, but before i could stop it, the words just came out of me. mostly, i really do not want ppl to think there's something wrong or anything, and am i trying too hard? i don't know. perhaps. yeah, i'm gonna stop soon. i have no energy to fight with u anymore. u have won. and i hope u are happy with it.

i really thought i found a friend in u. however, u are the one who is fraught with insecurities and stupid thoughts that is spoiling the friendship by alot. when i heard that u say so in other words that it's none of my business, i was hurt. yes, i was. i recognise, that, indeed, it is, none of my business. is it? do u really think so? then why are u preventing the knowledge of it from me on purpose? maybe it's not done on purpose, but, u admit that u have no intent? whatever. u can do what u want, and when it's time to come crying back to me, i will just take u in, like i always do. i have done the best i could in this situation, and i believe, stronger than anyone that could have done. there is nothing more that i could have done and i don't wish to do so anymore. i have nothing left in me anymore. it's spent, truly, and all.

i understand why i am so afraid to lose ppl, to form relationships. i have lost too many people i have loved. life is so damn fragile, after a glance, u could lose them just like that. my aunt, grandfather, cousin. nobody can ever understand the feeling of never seeing anyone again. it's really a scary feeling, and i hope that i can face it one day. and learn to let go, truly when it's time.

hurt, what is hurt? who can hurt u? sigh, damn, i swore not to get hurt by ppl, frens, and i did again. sometimes, i do question if i'm too selfish or not, being too preoccupied with myself. and i do try, but perhaps, the other party is too tired? and i should stop expecting too much? expectations again. i can't seem to leave this topic.... and when one fully grasp the idea that u mean nothing at all to him or her, that is when u know that u should bid a graceful exit...

i'm tired, truly tired by all these. life was so simple last time. now, too many ppl, to many issues. it is truly taxing and tiring. i have already and is starting to close both eyes. i choose not to see, choose not to hear, and lastly, choose not to understand. by doing all the above, i can protect what little is left in me. the truly siim ann that have been missing for so long. don't worry guys, i'll be back soon, this period has been abit stupid, really crazy of me. i'm tired.

peishan, i'm sorry for not meeting u. hope to cya soon! really miss u lots...

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

i guess i have to stop running away from the issue. or perhaps, even avoiding the issue. the reason i have stopped blogging for these few days it's because i don't know how to talk abt this issue anymore, or is there any need? well, perhaps, just say my few cents worth before it is blown out of proportion...

to say something fair... in the first place, there is absloutely no reason at all that u shld tell me abt it. none at all. the thing is, there's simply nothing to tell, i mean, even as a normal fren, i respect your wishes to say nothing at all because there is nothing concrete, confirmed or anything. however, i don't understand the secrecy at all, the purpose/intent not to let me know. and i'm suppose to feel alright with that? then, what do u see me as? some person who will then do something supposedly because u rejected me? come on! does it matter if i know it now or later? and, how do u want me to find out?

trust me, whatever the time, it doesn't really matter... i will still know it and the hurt will still be there... i was quite surprised that the confirmation wasn't as bad... it was, alright, i kind of expected it already. hiaz, why do u guys want to hide things from me on purpose? does it really matter? if u care that much, then stop inflicting hurt... moral of the story, the more u try to hide the more the truth will come to light. what's the point?! i still don't understand now.

i hate myself for knowing u that well. damn it. why is it things that pertain to u, i never see wrongly. u see the right person, and this happens to be the right timing, u just go for it. why are u that predictable, and why can i even predict the right person? simply, i don't really care anymore. u can go and do whatever u deem as correct, keep me in the dark and then wham! let me find out just like that. that is really a good idea. all in all, u are just protecting yourself. whatever, i feel very tired for justifying whatever reasons there are. up to u. just don't come to me time and time again, expecting things to remain the same, when u are the one, doing all this little things, to make it complicating and difficult. okay? let's play fair.... whatever....

i was feeling quite lousy on the train ride to sembawang to meet mz. all those angry thoughts just overcame me and i can't keep them from coming. i hope i don't create a mess with my straightforwardness. i tend to speak without thinking of the consequences, just hope that jm did take me seriously...

i had a fabulous time with mz today! he treated me milo.... haha, thanks manz! made me forget abt those stupid things! he stunned me today lor... i hope it's the last time... my fragile heart can't withstand anymore sudden shocks...! haha... the movie was not bad at all... well, it teaches us to treasure the ppl that we love and to appreciate them more. that if u don't treasure the ppl u love, u will lose all that u have.... not a bad theme... it's a pity that it is too fast, that we are as blur as the main character. which i don't think is what moviegoers should feel even though that is the purpose?

haha.... anyway, really should start studying or something... sianz!!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

today is quite a nice day. it's because everyone is not in a bad mood today. haha. i do guage my days like that.

i better keep up with the readings and homework and pretty tuff stuff...! i'm just so slack! haha

i do also want to keep up with my jogging!

Friday, August 18, 2006

my life is centering on the pool table.... i'm the white ball, trying to hit the surrounding stripe or coloured balls. sometimes, i do hit and when i do perform and is up to expectations, the coloured balls fall into the holes. if i don't, i get to knock abt them a couple of times before i can meet up to expectations. i really hope and pray that i hit on the right targets all the time and fall safe and sound into the holes. i mean it's all human nature to want to be correct all the time. well, i guess we'll see....

anyway, feeling more alright nowadays.... been reading this book which seems to articulate all my thoughts abt r/s, guys and feelings... haha, it's quite an honest and funny read... it makes me think i'm not that alone and that liking someone is not a mistake at all....

i hope that i can complete my tutorials in time.... quite sianz abt it.... hiazz.... it's like i got cca stuff to do, which i seriously don't feel like doing but yet have to... hiaz.... see how it goes ba....

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

haha..... haha.... haha....

now i do understand why u have been keeping a distance. it's funny how i didn't see it. actually, i did, perhaps, i just choose not to. what's the point in keep things from me? u have no guts. simple as that. i don't want to hear anymore praises abt u, because it just is not fair.... u have no guts. u don't want to let me know, and i have to find out from another, well, u have done it very well. i do understand that it is not the right timing and everything, but u do think i'm blind? i should not expect anything coming from u, i did not. but i was naive, my heart expects. so, i'm suppose to smile, say cheese, tease, say congraulations. i do not forsee a problem in that, that's my forte. i have let down my guard for far too long and it serves myself right. i will put it up now. perhaps u wonder, what good does it serve me? it protects me, far more than u know.

why is it still now that u question me? u want to spare me the hurt/trouble? oh, spare me that. if u do really have such noble notions, then, remain a monk. don't do all these and then say another thing/feel another thing. in the end, it all remains the same. yes, i do forsee that this day would come, i just didn't expect it to be so soon. people are frivolous, and so are u. there's really no point in blaming anyone now there is? damn it, why do people shit and i have to clean up the mess myself? damn u. of course, u are not even lifting a finger to help, just come all high and mighty on me. come to me whenever u need to confide in someone, throw me aside when u have dear old someone to talk to. if u do actually tell me what u are up to, ain't that easy? u think it's easy for me, i have to question myself am i sending out the wrong signals, do not want u to misunderstand, and then, actually have to consider whether u are alright. it's easy if u cancel out the first 2 steps. can't u just tell me? up till now, u still do not dare to face me when u are also responsible for this incident. damn it.

the realisation that i still like u stinks. i wish to just cut off all contacts with u. like i did with mz, it would definitely hasten the process. i'm almost there already, just there's this part of me is still oh so stubborn. damn. i hate myself so much, i try to immerse myself in work, it does help. but when i go to sch, the damn cycle will start all over again, and i have to go home and kick myself. shit. in case u do want to know, i give u my blessings. i do. it's just that why do u want to hide from me? what's the point? coward.

big grps, small grps. life was much simpler between the 2 of us. i miss u so much. it's so difficult now to be myself. it's good in a way, u have this grp of frens to always fall back on, ppl u know u can count on. hiaz. i really should stop complaining. always so non-appreciative. putting up a front, ain't everyone doing that? sigh, it's so difficult to be yourself sometimes, i feel so tired. trying to be myself, yet i can't totally yet. it's so hard to talk abt myself anymore. i'm not even expecting anything. it really suxs.

i found myself in tears in the bathroom yesterday. damn it, you are not a weakling!! u are a survivor. u have survived so many things already, what more is this? i know i will, i'm a survivor, but at what cost? i do not dare to venture out into this yet, what's the point in scaring myself so much?

work work work. i do welcome it alot. it doesn't matter if the end result is not what i want, i gave my best shot. in everything i do, i gave my best shot. it matters all over in the end, but let me lie to myself for a while, for everyone. it's easier this way. that everything will turn out fine, i will be ok soon, and be really happy.

for now, it's still smile, tease, laugh, and say cheese. i can do it. GOD BLESS ME....

Monday, August 14, 2006

had my first lesson of AB214 today. i think it will be an interesting class. i like the tutor at first impression even though she seems a tad bit long-winded. well, most tutors are like that? this year, the feeling is rather different from the previous semester. i was quite stressed even though the term has not started. this sem, perhaps, with the right amount of expectations, it was not that stressful yet. so, kind of at the right kind of pace. sch's alright, though, i do miss time spent with yoke. i don't think it can be helped because we do exist as a group now, which is not bad either... =) some adjustments need to be done i guess...

sometimes, i think it's not intentionally done, but it just happened. the usual amount of hiding is already taking place. hiaz, i'm not the kind who will share easily and it suxs when u start to hide again. i think it can't be helped as u want to present what u are, but can't really, because u have to understand you are not alone in this world.

things do happen whether i like it or not. hiaz, i just didn't envisage that it will happen so soon. replacement, displacement. it's just a play of words. ultimately, it all mean the same thing, people's presence being taken over by another. i think it was foolish of me to expect and think that things will remain unchange. much as i like to believe yoke's words, that some things/ppl will all come back to starting point, i'm starting to doubt myself. well, actually, it doesn't matter i guess, in the end, i will not matter at all. i'm kind of disappointed in us, in you and i, that i can't make things stay the same, and that you do not seem to want to do anything abt it. what to do? that's life. i should have learnt from all my mistakes, but i still steadfastly held to my beliefs that things will not change. what a dumb ass, they have. i can't pretend that things are the same, i can't yet, and i don't think i ever will. i will try, but it will come out unnatural. it suxs, cos it still hurts. damn, when will i stop hurting? i hope it's soon man. i'm tired of feeling this way towards the both of u. it's really damn tiring.

hiaz. whatever. i'm not gonna let u spoil my life any longer. =)

Sunday, August 13, 2006

i went to watch fireworks yesterday!! it was so damn cool and nice!!!!!!! love it to bits! i felt like my hopes were coming and raining down on me! i wanna watch it again! i love the golden ones! yay!!

anyway, i'm gonna slp early! haha...

Friday, August 11, 2006

today was rather interesting enough.... yoke called me when i was sleeping.... i was quite shocked, because it was so sudden! haha... but it's a nice surprise... =)

my dad went for the operation yesterday... and i was at the hospital waiting... didn't feel like eating, i mean, even if u know things will be relatively safe, u still can't help but worry.... i guess...? when i saw my dad, i was filled with sadness.... in the sense, u never thought u wld see ur dad so vulnerable? i mean, u never thought that ur dad will be so helpless lying there alone... hmm, and i realise that i do love my dad alot, simply because he's my dad. i can't deny the fact that i'm my dad's daughter, i can see that now.... and i promise i wld try to be much nicer to him no matter what i guess....

i was feeling quite lonely ytd... and i thought of something that yoke asked once... something abt which situation of loneliness is the worse... i think i wasn't really mindful of being that alone, i have somehow gotten used to it due to my experience in the hospitals. i couldn't help but think it wld be nice to have someone with u. someone there who is there unconditionally... i think it will sort of take off the stress of worry and make u less serious i guess.... i mean, i do think stupid things sometimes....

i have understood that we can't expect ppl to do much for u when u don't even present it properly in the first place.... don't know.... it's just seldom that i'm ready to share and thought it would be quite easily caught on? i mean, i do sense when ppl wanna talk, but that doesn't mean i can expect the same from another? yeah, i can't, but i think i can hope? well, i should have not even placed any expectations.... that's why i'm kind of afraid that this might happen.. perhaps, i'm just an insecure bitch who's damn unreasonable... well, i don't know... anyway, it doesn't really matter. sianz le... ppl can come and go... that's just it....

anyway, whatever, sick of many things pertaining to him recently.... anyway, there won't be a him much longer in me... yay! so relieved and gald of that...

kk, gonna go for meeting/talk/lec? haha... bye!