3 times

3 weeks, i cried 3 times.

something must be wrong with me...

hiaz, the first time, was because of my dad. the second time was because of my sis. the third time is because of sch and the internet.

uni has started. i am already stressed. i guess it's because the lecturer has planned out what to do for the whole semester. there seems to be so much. i teach tuition too. how am i gonna find time?? i guess, it's this mind of mine, trying to take everything in, resulting in a big ball coming to chase me.... after crying, i feel much relieved. but i can't do too much of it.... it's pretty self-pitying, and that crying can get u nowhere... so, i've decided to take one day at a time.... i have been trying to get fixed on a goal, that is to get honours, try and work hard.... most prob, i fear that i can't face up to uni work.... but now, one step at a time, i feel much better.... in addition, i don't seem to know much people... the apprehension and fear of going to tutorial is so intense that i am stressed... pretty stupid, i would say.... now, i just heck lar.... people mah, getting to know them, is for practical purposes.... to do well in tutorials.... hiaz....

my internet connection on my laptop is not working... i don't know what's wrong.... irritating....

i can eat today~! finally~!! my bite is still quite weak though....

actually, i am thankful for alot of things... esp people i know.... so, not much right to complain...

went out with my sis today... she spent alota time at spotlight, buying stuff to make ear rings.... so long~!!! then we went to watch the island... it's a nice show, but pretty draggy as it goes along... like the concept of utopian society~!!!!!!!!!! nothing to worry abt...

k, my sis wanna use le.... so long~!

...

haven't been blogging much these days... cos, my life is finally back on track~!!! been giving tuition, along with going out... haha.... so, it's like computer time has decreased significantly... in addition, my sis has been using the com to do lots of school work, so i can't use... anyway, i got my new laptop~!!!! it's an IBM~!!! my uncle gave it to me... haha.... yupz~!!! don't have to fight over the computer at home....

i can eat normally next week le.... yay~!!! hopefully, will not gain back the weight that i've lost... even though the weight loss is not that noticeable, it's still a weight loss... my mum doesn't want me to eat normally yet, she's so afraid of me gaining the weight i have lost... when i mentioned running/jogging... she was horrified, she's afraid that my jaw would drop... haha, i would be careful... nevertheless, can't do anything physical now... in 2 more weeks... life would be normal~!!!

i've develped a grudging respect for my surgeon/dentist... she's aloof and arrogant.... but, she's nice sometimes, on rare times... so, i've come to really appreciate what a great job she has done.... most prob, cos, i'm recovering well.... haha..... i can be generous...

anyway, went for my sec sch's 45th aniversary dinner last saturday... met macy from cannel u's superstar... she's so pretty~!!!! the senior minister was the guest-of-honor.... the sch has done itself proud this time, inviting such a high-position guest.... can't really feel for him as his wife has said much pretty sucky stuff.... there was much memories stirring.... talked abt major class incidents.... it was so good, talking with farmiliar people, knowing where they go.... cool~!!!

sch's starting too... next week... kind of sianz... has to start studying too... the good times, aka as hols are coming to an end soon~!!! aargh~!!! welcome to the real world~!

pissed

i'm pissed... very.... received this sms this morning... asking me to do something that i did not even suggest... come on, u guys are the one whose planning this.... why give the responsibility to me?? did i even ask for this activity?? no, so don't think u r being very honourable or responsible... my foot.... and, u r just defusing responsibility.... don't preach when u can't do it... u just look stupid.... so what??

i'm pissed... with a lot things... very pissed

a day

haven't been blogging for a few days.... been playing rollercoaster tycoon on an intensive basis... haha... guess that i'm just too bored~! why not go out?? hiaz... my mouth is still recovering.... my chin is still numb, can't really feel anything... going out makes me feel insecure in some ways... hence, the hesistation... i can't wait to be fully recovered so that i can go about my usual stuff.... been feeling down these few days... not something that i can control... perhaps it's the thoughts that i can't do normal stuff that gets me down... i must be normal~!! aargh~!!

anyways, my case is unimportant, compared to the cancer charity show i saw last week... this show touched me much more than the kidney one... perhaps, it's because i've lost an aunt to leukemia... someone whom i missed dearly.... the video clip on the children made me shed tears immediately... it's truly heart-wrenching.... gonna watch tomorrow, maybe i can see someone to support....

to someone: sometimes i truly wish u would stop terroising my grandma..... can't u take it that we owe u bloody nothing... so what if ur mom's in singapore..... why do u tell my grandma?? is it something to hide... in my eyes, u r nothing..... why do u think that u r some vip??? if anything happens to my grandma, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE U.... u will never read this... but i just can't bottle it up anymore... u better know ur place..... eat some shit...

to someone: please respect one's decision... that's a basic form of respect... get it??

ok, this entry sounds shitty... it's shitty...

day three

When I woke up the next day, I felt lonely... during the night, someone came to change my clothes... yeah... i was that helpless... anyway, didn't really have a good night's sleep... the nurses kept taking my temperature and blood pressure... it's their job, i guess, to make sure that i did not catch a fever which may fathom after the op...

i guess, it was around 8 plus in the morning... the 3 docs who operated on me came to visit me... the oxygen tube was taken away... but the urine bag was kept on... hehe... then, this stupid male nurse, inject something, i think it was meant to purge the clot blood out... what the heck, he didn't tell me what he was doing... when my body jerk up and down, abt 5 times violently, i was wondering what is wrong with me... so irritating... it was a real scare!!!!

dad came in the morning to visit me... was glad... in need of company.... anyways, i had to go visit one of the assisting surgeon... he cut of some tube from me... think it was meant to keep the blood flowing out.... then, he taught me how to swallow from the syringe, which is to be my eating instrument for the past 3 weeks... milk, milk and more milk`!!!! in addition, i can't talk... sianz... so sianz..... anyway, had enough of the operation things... gonna talk abt my thoughts tmr...

just wanna add something... thank you HUI QI~!!!! she is unable to go for the check-up but agreed to accompany me~!! thanks~!! luv ya... muacks~!!!!!!

day two

woke up at abt 7... didn't know that people wake up so damn early in the hospital... might as well, i can't sleep anyway... went to take a bath.... after my bath, somebody said that i was to get ready for "collection"... haha... i was quite surprised, as the operation was scheduled at 10 plus 11... then, i got dressed into this surgical gown, which was just a cloth, with strings at the back to tie it together... quite the bare... haha... anyway, the nurse collected my wallet for safekeeping... so, i just waited for the time to arrive...

at abt 830a.m, the orderly came to push me to the operating theatre... i had put on nail polish, then the nurse gave me a solution to remove it... this calmed me down quite a bit, as i had something to do, despite lying on the bed... then they pushed me into the theatre... at that time, the anethetist has to inject me with something... put me on a drip and stuff... the anethetist cost abt $2000 odd... yet, he can inject properly, resulting in me having a lot of needles poking in and out of my wrist many times... and i thought doctors are gentle... my foot... so, i was there, waiting and waiting for the operation to start...

my dad was outside, waiting to see me.. luckily, i was quite nervous, at that time, my stomach, all tensed and mixed up... he told me to be brave... well, that didn't calm me either... haha...

before me, there's a patient too... i think he woke up immediately after the operation, as i heard the doctors and nurses asking him to stay down and that his mom is outside... quite accurate siaz, the anethetist... then, it's my turn...

they pushed me to where they would operate me, lifting me to this narrow bed... there, the anethetist tried one more time to push the damn needle into me.... he succeeded... he asked me to breathe into this oxygen thing.... telling me to breathe through my nose, as the operation is done on my mouth.... then, i was dead to the world.... bye...

when i woke up, i was at the hospital bed... i saw many people looking at me.... my sisters, dad, aunties, uncle and cousin... i was touched.... i heard that my operation took 7 hrs... it must have been quite late le, abt 8 plus, 9... i saw them, wave, and slept again, till the next morning.... haha... felt some pain, was given an injection, and just slept... the only thing i remember was: breathe through the nose, breathe through the nose... then, i just keep breathing through the nose, and sleep... so, long, for the next day...

day one

it's been almost a week and 2 days since my op... i feel much better.... gonna recount my experience... on the day i was admitted, i was alone at home, before going to the hospital to meet my dad there... the thing is, i was terrified... i felt that something was in my mouth constantly, that i had to take it out... it's like the saying that fear has leapt to be my faith... that kind of thing... why was i so frightened?? i thought i would die, ya know... it's a common fear... come to think of it, i was being stupid... to comfort myself, i just thought that if God wants me to perish, i would, no point in worrying.... i cried before i left the house... most prob, it's the thought of going alone that set me off...

at the hospital, it was the usual procedures... the admission and waiting for the doctors to come by... since i'm underage and can't sign the form, my dad has to be there to sign it for me... hence, we began a 2 hr wait for the doc to come... i have 3 docs doing my op.... the first one came, the 2nd I/C i think... docs are so big... just come when they want... ok, i'm truly grateful for the doc for operating on me so well, but ya know, i really don't have any affinity with docs, just don't like them at all... so, they were supposed to be inserting 2 plates in me... kind of sianz, haha, foreign objects in my mouth and all for life.... my greatest worry was whether it would come lose or something... luckily, the doc says if i don't do anything to face, they would stay there... that's a great comfort....

when all the docs have come and go... i went to take a bath before having dinner... my dad left soon after... my dinner was quite alright. typical hospital food... but thinking abt it, kind of sad that my last dinner before my op was kind of just stewed black sauce duck meat with hard boiled egg and this vegetables, name unknown to me.... then, i just stayed in the hospital bed the whole time... it was the most boring time of my life!!! i had nothing to do at all... i bought a book to read... alas, the book is pretty boring... the narrative form, going on and on... the interesting thing is probably the language, the london, down-end kind... so, started reading to stay calm...

cos, i was working myself right into a panic... it is easy for us to say it will be over, u look pretty and all after that... but the nerves before that, it's just so painful... felt it everywhere... esp. in my stomach... it was quite a night.... in a B2 ward, so it was quite hot, so difficult to sleep... then i saw this old lady, who i think had one of legs amputated... she's so poor thing, making weird noises... this got me thinking... she can survive her op, and she's so poor thing and all, docs coming to see her, where she is so brave... i have nothing to worry at all... so, that calm me down to the point of completion... it's quite diff to sleep, with the strange environment and noises, i managed to, but kept waking up... sianz arh...

so, this is what happened on the first day of my admission... mainly, alota fear inside me and boredom... will include my op in the next entry... take care....