emptiness

it is an interesting morning today... and i have done something that i'm not feeling very good abt... yet i'm not feeling anything abt it... i'm supposed to be waiting for mz, yet, i don't know why, i somehow did not want to wait... cos i don't see the point in meeting when i have nothing to say to him... and he's being v nice, talking to me, even though i really don't feel like talking... what does this shows? just that our friendship cannot withstand any other levels? it doesn't really matter to me at all, just that is that all to a frenship? know that it's my fault, that i should perhaps put in more effort? didn't really wanna wait, and when he asked me, i sorta gave a lame reply, something that just came to my mind immediately... and i was feeling not right abt it, just that i let it go...

perhaps, it's a morning full of coincidences... jh was also waiting for the bus ard the time i was... was walking behind him all the way to the LT... i didn't know how to say HI, he was with his fren... and his fren saw me when he turned back, but didn't say anything to jh... so, hmm? yeah, i have no answers, so it's not really right for me to acknowledge that we are close? not my style... and i really don't think it matters... anyway, trying not to feel bad abt things, so managed to say HI... and i think what i did and felt in the morning affected me in a way, cos, i don't know how to face ppl today... and i don't really know what to say... nothing to feel, nothing to say... why am i feeling empty inside? haven't felt like this in a long long time...

i remembered the last time i felt this way was the quite a big % of my sec 4 life and j2 life... i hate this feeling... looking forward to nothing, feeling nothing much... am i just tired? or the feelings i have have just reached this certain extent of neutrality, and that is only perhaps, this much i can feel? it is scaring me, this emptiness, i'm afraid of reverting back to my old ways of not caring for any one, just being happy in my little world, without the feel of relationships, friendships, just totally ignorant of any necessary responsibilities... that's really not good.... but there's nothing i can do right now to make me FEEL... i'm just like that?!

i don't even feel like sighing... and i think the main reason for this emptiness is because of him... sigh, i made a promise to myself not to be affected in any way, and what the heck, i can't even promise myself a simple thing like that... i hate myself... shld not be feeling this... shld not... it's not even up to me and me only... guess what the sucky thing is? i know i'm right, but yet, i have no certainty... even though i'm quite certain already... know what i mean? nevermind... just that, even if u can't make me a promise, i'm fine... at least, be normal, don't talk like we are that close, which is more hurting then anything else... i don't know... i just wish things are that clear... that i know u are just a fren and nth else...

the whole issue lies with me isn't it? keep thinking abt these kind of things that are not impt at all... and the one getting this stupid feelings of emptiness, is me... so, i'm stupid... he's not... he's not anyway... i just wish things are clear... that's all... u don't even have to promise me anything... just feel like giving up on this... and the thing is, it's real dumb to just do this... see, the whole problem is me, impatience... haste, sigh... and i should not even care rite, cos the other party is not... yeah, shldn't, but i do... and sigh, just wait? don't even know if it's a futile wait or not... see, that's the sad problem... whatever... i don't even know anything anymore... and is that impt? sigh...

no matter what, my sis is back now... and sigh, feel sad for her... her sch results is kind of disappointing, and sigh, really want her to come uni with me!!!! she's back from penang with lots of food!!!

and sch ppl are nice... yoke's nice, jiaying's nice, everyone's nice... i shld be feeling more soon.... jia you yoke!!! u can manage it!!!

peishan: must meet up soon!

acc test is on fri... must do and try my best!

sigh, just wish u care more for me... i'm not really that strong... understand that?

freedom

i'm supposed to be doing marketing today... guess what?! there's nothing for me to do!!! so nice!!! T_T sigh, really felt like doing that right now... it's ok, i can make it some how, i have to... many things to do, don't know what to start with.. i'm totally exhausted, and almost fell asleep standing up on the train, i just can't help it... luckily, i did not fall down or something, like i almost did once... perhaps, should just get used to it... i don't want to, but think i have to? i'm really really tired, i need a break...

there's just endless work and projects to be completed... and what abt studying?? i'm really worried over stats and FM, and there seems to be no time to even start on it? i'm not feeling stressed, yet i am... guess what?! how am i gonna pass this sem? nothing really seems to be going smoothly, i feel as if i'm floating everytime i'm in sch... the only thing that is sort of alright is acc(i hope it continues) and PA... that's really not that bad, considering the amt of effort i put in... so i'm gonna put in the effort that deserves the grade i want... hiaz... pls, just let me survive this week....

really must thank jh for helping my grp with stats proj... we will really die if not for him... i feel really bad, because he doesn't have to help us yet he did... and sort of took up his time... hiaz, really glad to have known him in this way... hope he doesn't think we are exploiting him in some way? seriously, we are not, and hope he doesn't mind! i feel really really really bad... perhaps, i shld not? but i am, cos it's not his project... and i hope it's not what i'm thinking... i know i think too much, and i hope i'm thinking wrongly... what am i saying? i want to think what i'm thinking, but i will not, cos it's just too painful in a way... so not going too...

yeah, the reason for me feeling so bad, it's cos, i don't even know i can give back in return... yeah, real stupid... something like that?! perhaps, it's incomprehensible, it's ok... i'm just thinking too much.. and really glad that thoughts are meant to be personal and not shared... hiaz... i thought i can, but apparently, i can't.... i'm not even doing anything, and that's the point... sigh, see how it goes ba... i just hope that pls don't give me false hope or the wrong signals to test me... that's the worse thing u can do... rest assure, i WILL NOT forgive u forever....

i just want to really talk to someone who can destress me... sigh... just wanna be able to be free from stupid school work, projs, work committments... everything... freedom... give it to me... hiaz...

wolf creek

why am i being so difficult? i don't really think so... the reason that i seldom tell my parents things is because i'll never know how they will react... usually, i do not tell them anything at all... i know it's wrong for me not to inform them or anything, just that i really don't wanna guage that reaction or anything if necessary... perhaps, i will not get the reaction that i thought they will always give, just that why even bother saying as long as u don't wanna know the outcome? human beings are selfish to some extent, just that, i'm selfish this way... is that wrong of me? or just that i'm selfish in this harmless way?

sianz abt this... well, i'm not doing anything that is totally bad or anything!!! anyway, i went to watch wolf creek today with my sis... hmm, it's a freaky movie! cos it's real, at least based on a true story... it's abt this guy who abducted tourists and torture them before killing them, a phsyco who spares no limits to torture the victims... the thing is, i can imagine real ppl going through all those and my insides were truly weird... in the end, the guy escaped but the person who committed the crime was aquitted as the escapee was not a reliable witness... kind of sad, that bastard who escaped....

anyway, can't buy my shoes today... sigh... just a pair of shoes... why is it so difficult to just get a pair of shoes?! see how it goes.... anyway, have lots of stuff to do, going off... cya

girl to be loved

today is quite a fun day... it started off rather "well".... i hope i didn't get mz into trouble on his 2nd day only... sigh, as usual, i was only a little late... some miscommunication but well... haha... i'll try to be early, cool! it's nice meeting old friends... crapping about the past and present... at least going to sch will not be so boring anymore!!!! haha...

played bridge yesterday and today... it's fun!! haha... think i'm improving to a certain extent... and, hope that i can be better!! quite blur i am most of the times... haha, sch's not that boring after all...!

sigh, no yoke on msn... hope it works out alright!

many stuff to do... and quite nervous abt the accounting test coming up... i'm really glad to have candy in my marketing group... at least we share the same thoughts and can talk... sometimes, don't know what to do abt the grp man... i mean, let's not do things for the sake of doing things but actually doing things that make sense... and the stupid content is not enough, and yet they don't wanna do things to improve it? whatever la... just hope that they listen to us and we can do the presentation really well... and we are meeting on thurs... i really really hope it goes well...

i wanna go donate blood... haven't found the right person yet... sigh, why nobody wanna go? well, i know i'm lazy, just don't really wanna go myself... i think i can find a few to go!!!

i have been evading a certain issue... perhaps not really evading, as in running away? thinking abt it, yet trying not to... kind of difficult not to... wanting to forget something... it's funny sometimes, when i've decided to be a risk-taker, some things happen that makes me give up what i have already wanted to accept with wide open arms... fate perhaps, stopping or preventing something that is not meant to be... GOD has other plans for me... sometimes, when one has stop trying to second guess many things, it becomes easier to just take things at face value... that's what i'm gonna do... no point in trying to think so much and make things difficult for myself...

just imagine a senario whereby the surrounding is just a garden, filled with millions of roses... white pearly gates stand erect at the entrance with glass doors... a girl sits among the tranquility of nature, yearning to be loved... she knows she will have eternal happiness, the question is when? does it matter at all? well, perhaps it will in the future... right now, grasping what she has is more impt than any other things... she feels loved already... and she says thank you to all, for giving her what she has right now....

take care folks!

chirpy!

i'm feeling very happy now! i don't know the reason why?? perhaps not happy, but rather in a high and chirpy mood! ok, meeting mz, haven't seen him for 2 years... that's a good reason to feel happy! now, going to school is not that boring at all.... yay! ok, crapz, never felt that high in recent days! ok, let's stop with the exclamation marks! haha...

gonna practise my acc speech later... i hope everything runs on smoothly!!!! i can't wait for it to be over, so that i can start studying and prepare for the acc quiz... really really behind by quite a bit, and hope that i can catch up in time... on top of it, i still have my PA essay... and stats grp meeting... omg!!! i really hope i can somehow manage to squeeze time!

hmm.... life's pretty good now... feeling very happy...! guessing the reason? nah, it's probably not what u guys are thinking... just that this is it! and probably can squeeze out time to catch a movie on wed... hopefully!!! ok, gotta practise, bye!

my happy ending

My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne

so much 4 my happy ending
ohoh ohoh so much 4 my happy ending
ohoh oh oh oh oh.....

let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?

Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS:
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?

All the things you hide from me
All the shit/stuff that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[CHORUS]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were through

He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

replacable

sigh. sigh. sigh. the highlight of my day. having mkting project tmr... grp mates are coming to my house... hope that they are not turn-off by the "tidiness" of my house... haha... ok la, my mkting grp is crappy, can talk crap most of the time... and ideas are coming up rather nicely, just hope that can carry out successfully!!

heard some stuff today... underwent counselling with hwee min... will sleep on it and think abt stuff... and come to a conclusion... soon i hope...

have difficulty in breathing! don't know why too... hmm, hope that i feel better!

sigh... shldn't cry at all, shldn't....