thank you dear friend

it's funny how u feel that u've know someone forever? haha, was supposed to be doing my acc report in the lab, and guess what? i was trying to find an excuse to procrastinate, and mz talked to me... yeah, u'll know the rest of the story, so i was chatting... i hope that he passes his exam tmr! haha... quite interesting, to view things from the perspective of a guy... yeah, i shld just debunk siim ann's theory somehow... and give it a try? haha, not up to me anyway.... alot of times, it's difficult to distinguish between frenship and love... and some don't even bother to do that... the point i'm trying to say is, there is a difference... it's up to one to try to siff out the difference or just continue with comfortable routine...

never really thought that i can maintain a frenship for so long.... in the sense that the ease of conversation, esp. over msn just never stops... and i do identify the need to separate personal and professional life... in this case, if u have something to do, don't talk to someone... and i truly appreciate if someone can do that for me... even though he/she is procrastinating, well, at least it's the thought that i'm more impt than whatever u are doing... sad to say, i've never gotten that feeling from u... and that says alot to a certain degree.... i don't matter that much.... haha, ok, not reading anymore.... just musings.... just that, i can do that, but u can't... foolishness on my part? well, be the judge then....

trying not to think abt my personal life or lack of... mz really made me happy today... i was trying not to burst out laughing in the free access lab... i was having this expression of bursting, and whoever bothers to look at me will think that i'm mad... haha... anyway, i'm happy! that's more impt than anything, definitely more impt than my acc report... as if?! btw, we are frens... good frens...! thank you!

my twin sis is having the blast of her time... slacking at home! cos she has graduated! so nice!! hate her! haha....

yoke, pls relax!

peishan: will call u soon! promise!

it's busy, trust me

i feel like forgetting that i have accounting report to do, and just go to bed!! my eyes can barely open! this is the first time in this sem that i'm feeling this exhausted... as u can see i've not been using my brains very much this sem... ok, it's really not too late to start using my brain... haha... reached home at 1030 today... i was so freaking tired... can guess what? zf has to msg me some pretty crappy stuff... and i have to msg mz... aargh! eyes closing, and have to do all this crap... ok la, kind of fun anyway, just no mood, cos too tired...

i kind of like my acc grp. there's a nice gal that i can crap with... i don't wish to comment much on ppl because, i'm kind of like that too? feeling kind of stressed for acc... there's like alot of things to be done... i'm behind my self-practices by quite a bit, and not doing anything much to catch up with it!! aargh!!! the thing is, i'm v happy over my mini quiz, and feel that i've deserved it, cos i did do everything piror to the quiz... now, it's like? i have to buck up, but it's kind of hard without doing anything... feeling it, feeling it...

i have to rush through many projects this week... mkting, FM, and acc!!! i really hope that survival is just a human insinct... and that i can survive! really tired, not thinking, mind is dead and blank... really wanna contribute to discussions properly and hope that i can... i mean, i can understand the feeling if the grp is not discussing holistically... and sigh, i have to somehow push time in for PA... omg!!! feeling it, feeling it...

sigh.... just go through this week, i'll be fine... not thinking, not thinking... bye... niteZ!

what is love?

this is the first time in so many days that i feel like hiding... it's been a long time since i've felt this way, and it's not good.... cos, once i've started it, i will just continue it... and i don't want to... i will try to overcome this feeling... and when i have, i'll let u know... i'm infallible.... remember that...

i'm not feeling v good these few days... having mood swings, ranging from happiness to sudden saddness.... i think i know the reason for this, yet i'm not willing to admit it now... once again, the feeling of an empty dream... haha, guess what? i should have gotten used to it right? well, the truth is, i will not get used to it.... no matter how many times i've went through it... why can't u let me be happy and satisfied, even if only for a while? i know, i'm receiving punishment in a way... so be it... i've guess correctly, and blow after blow... it makes things clearer.... not feeling well, but it'll pass... it always do... i'll soon be back to my own self... how long does it have to take? another 5 years? does it matter? i will get over it....

why do i always meet the wrong person? haha, funny... it is always not meant to be... so what? it's not impt anymore... what is? nth is... yes, sch is... so, this is my goal now... it shld be and always will be... i let crap take over me... so stupid of me... but it's ok, we learn from our mistakes... i never do, but i will.... it starts now...

i'm not so good in dealing with turths. i prefer to live in my idealistic world and deal with it that way. making magical stories of luv, dramatic breakups and eternal happy endings. i choose to deal with reality this time. how bad it is? u tell me... it's not easy to say u are not good enough and to find out that u are really not good enough. haha... the heart bleeds silently but surely. figure this dude... i'll survive.

do i sound crazy? obsessed? mad? desperate? nah, i'm practical.

i'm romantic.

i'm ME.

i'll survive.

u get lost.

crying silently by

i have not been doing much work... not feeling really guilty abt it, which is v bad of me... well, what the heck, i seriously just feel like throwing in the towel and slack for the whole damn day!!! was supposed to be doing stats.... but when i woke up from my nap, i went to watch tv!!! winter olympics... figure skating is so cool!! the graceful figures of the skaters... the beautiful costumes... makes me just wanna watch watch and watch! so, guess what, i'm 1/4 way through my stats tutorial... report is not done yet... aargh!!!! i feel like just saying heck! but i can't!!! sigh!

i went to this restaurant at woodgrove to have dinner... the steak is nice! but kinda expensive as the serving is quite small... then, we WALKED to causeway point... i didn't want to walk, but the damn bus was so long, and my aunt and sis ask me to walk, ok lor... but it was rather alright... the walk i mean... haha, don't know why, just feel like walking.... and shopping! bought a skirt from OP and a PURPLE sweater from NESS... i feel so happy after that, just the feeling!

i have not been thinking abt this for a long time... and it's coming back now... i'm feeling sad abt it, but i don't think i can do anything abt it... my parents... i know that unconditional love by them towards us is unquestionable... but to me, respect and love i feel towards them is no longer there at all... when i say this, it's like i will be striked by lightning... but the thing is, i know that i will be taking care of them in future... to me, it's not something that i want, but i duty, but what i feel is, i want to want to take care of them, but not because i have to...

i've always used to love and respect my father... but now, it's gone... i don't know why, perhaps, after he has lost is job, and after the op, i feel that he has changed alot... i can't talk to him now without feeling anger... and maybe it's because of the way he treats my mum... i know my mum is a bias person, but somehow, i feel the same way too... and it's not working, cos he doesn't even know abt it? to him, we are just investments to be... and i don't want to be raised thinking i'm only one... it's really very disappointing and sad.... i know that i'm to blame for not putting enough effort into cultivating a more healthy relationship, but i don't know how... everytime when i talk to him, i just feel like showing a black face... and being rude back... i just can't help it... and he's my father... sigh... on the surface, i say it doesn't matter to me at all, but i know deep down inside, it is affecting me quite a bit... sigh... can someone help?

it's the same for my mum.... she is constantly nagging... say we don't help out... yes, i know we are not doing alot, but we are doing our best, yet it's not enough! then what is? please tell me, intead of throwing verbal abuse? i'm giving up on them already, and perhaps they are...? i want to care, but i can't... it's bad... and i'm afraid now of raising my kids (if i do have them) into replicas of me... this is becoming something that i don't even know how to deal with... i don't like it when i dealt with untruths, she just like to say really horrid stuff of how we are like gals who only knows how to be vain... yes, why do i let it bother me? i know i shldn't but i can't help it... i want to love u, pls help me? i'm trying, but it's not working! there's a problem, why can't anyone see it??

sigh....

and i'm really disappointed with myself... i've thought i've come to terms with it, and i know i have... but sometimes, even knowing things, one still purposely try to change destiny in some ways? why do i went to talk to u? dumb, really dumb of me.... regretted it... why do i like to rush things? don't know, just an innate part of me i guess.... nah, i'm not really caring abt it now... i know who will not believe me... i'm gonna say this for the last time, we will just be frens.... i've been thinking abt this for 2 days, long and hard abt it... i know what i want, i want to find someone, whom i know i can marry.... is this dumb? probably... but the thing is, u wldn't know until u try? too bad, i know u, not alot, but perhaps enough... i shld just save u the heartbreak, it's not possible between us... try as u might, i don't think i will reveal all of my self for u... not that i don't trust u as a fren... just that, it's different, things between u and i...

perhaps, this feeling of ambivalence is due to the fact that i feel that i'm not good enough for u... perhaps, it's also just an excuse not to acknowledge that i still have some feelings for u, in a way... isn't this good? i can't totally confide in u, and that tells something? that, we are just frens and nothing more... everything abt us is so differnt, goals, ideas... likes, so many things... i know i'm thinking too far, i always do, can't help it... and i don't see a way out... i'm really sorry abt this, really am... and i know u are one who thinks far too, so that is why u are holding back? kind of funny, it's like history is repeating itself... *bitter laughter* i'm not noble, never. but i will not want to hurt u... tt's it. full-stop. u are a nice person who deserves better, not me. i think that u are just moulding me somehow to who u want to be....

i don't know whether u know the existence of this. maybe u do. and if u do, just want to tell u. i'm sorry if i'm been sending out the wrong signals to u, that makes u have the feelings towards me. that was never my intention. i'm sorry, if i sound condesending. that was never my intention. i'm sorry, and i hope we remain good frens as long as possible...

lastly, i'm sorry, to myself, for ever falling for u in the first place. that was never my intention too.

crying silently by...

tired... what

my twin sis is back from bangkok!! bought many nice stuff! asking for payment now.... haha, ok la, dun mind paying her back.... yay!

back from sch today... had the dreaded FM quiz today, and i really will fail... i'm just practical and know myself well enough that if i studied hard enough, i would probably know how to answer most of them... the thing is, i need to study.... i know it, and am feeling it, cos i rather enjoyed studying for FM... strange, never really enjoy studying for anything... perhaps, really missing it... so, after projects are done with no meetings, i will definitely get down to it, it's time to start and i have to start... i want to get all As... a dream, but not a far-fetched one... well, at least i'll get one!!!

ok... i have alot of projects at hand! acc, first and foremost, is killing me! thanks yoke for the help! i really hope we can do well for acc....! well, i have the wish for all the projects, i do reasonably well so that i can make up for the lack in testable areas... sianz la... and for mkting, kind of guilty i've not been meeting my grp mates... sigh... i know, but acc is more impt now... and for FM, haven started yet!! just thought abt it suddenly!! aargh!!! give me the time!!!!!

sigh... ok, have been thinking abt it for a long long time after the chat with yoke... and i know it's quite dumb to be feeling this way... i really feel that u are too good for me... and perhaps, that's what i've been feeling all this while... i know i'm not that kind of person who feels this... and yet i do... so, this stressed feeling is just not right??!! and if he makes me feel this way, he's not the one? i don't know, too tired to guess... GOD will let me know the answer and i shall and will wait...

v tired, going mapling and slping soon.... take care everyone

love, what is that?

it's better to not know than know.... i guess in a way? and after knowing, i'm no clearer to an answer... correction, i'm clearer to what i feel... even though i don't have an answer... really didn't envisage that liking someone can be so confusing, complicated... anything along those lines... isn't it worse when u know why u like or don't like someone? i think it's easier to qualify when u just like someone like that... without any burdens, restraints, reasons, cautiousness.... that, in itself is love? or we are just non-believers in love? perhaps, when u find the right person, u will just know it? i really thought i found the right person... really... and when your heart tells u that, your mind refuses to take what is right in front of u?

i know it's kind of pompous to declare, oh, i found the one and all? but i dunno, it's just a feeling... even though it may not be the outcome i have in mind.... the part of like don't know what kind of feeling, perhaps, there's really none, and we are just frens?

i find it hard to believe that ppl actually put a percentage towards someone... it's kind of i don't know, something i'm not comfortable with... and, hiaz... whatever?? and i heard something again, so many things, makes me change my mind here and there... and i'm not even confused? sigh... like that lor... what can i do? nth really....

yea, impersonating my sis to cheat guys... haha, quite funny... but kinda understand how someone feels when their feelings are not reprociated....

my twin sis is coming tmr......... yay! nice stuff to get!!!

ok, shld be studying, but am not! who cares!! mugging tmr!! sigh...

kbox!!!

actually, i didn't want to diss u... but u left me with no choice... i don't know whether u will read this or not, but why shld i care? after all, u were the one who wants the meeting, all the meetings, and u are the one who cancelled all... so?? what do i have to say? well, screw u... if u don't wanna meet in the first palce, then don't... don't be so irresponsible... it kinds of say alot abt your character... whatever.... u sux, and that's it....

i don't like ppl to msg msgs that u can't reply... pls say what u want, and don't expect me to take the initiative since u are the person to start the msg...so, whatever... if it's so difficult to say your mind, then don't... stop wasting msgs... whatever...

i think this mood i'm in has nothing to do with the KBOX session i had! it was fun!! sang and sang!! i've never seen jy so high before.... haha, she can be loads of fun!!! and yoke, it's nice to hang out with u outside sch... i hope u relax!!!life is always a bitch, but there's stuff to look forward to.... we can and will survive!!!

peishan: i hope it's fine on your side...

i've been waiting for this confirmation, and when it's so explicit in your face, u kind of feel sad... i wasn't very surprised, but a little "heart pain" i guess... it was never meant to be from the beginning and yet no matter what i told myself, i still clung onto something... this is the step for me to give up and i will.... i'm almost there.... soon, it will just pass by to something like the usual stuff... how can i blame u? there isn't anything to blame in the first place... that's why it's much easier this time... nothing ventured, nothing gain... or rather, nothing ventured, nothing hurts... life's pretty interesting.... sigh... life goes on...

doing acc project and marketing proj tmr... not really looking forward to it, hope that i'm not stupid tmr!!!

gonna go slp now.... very tired.....