i'm very very very very tired. i need to sleep seriously. i was standing on the train on the way back. can u believe it? i was sleeping too. yes, i'm really very tired. this week is not gonna be a nice week, i have many datelines to meet. and for the first time in my life, well, since year one at least, i have never felt that there are actually stuff that i cannot accomplish even if i don't sleep. i need lots of luck man. really.

sometimes, i hate it when people make promises and never keep it. i do that sometimes, but it was towards little things. things that don't really matter. u have made me a promise, but i think u have never guessed that in your life, u can never keep it. don't ask me, i have never thought it too. why did u make me the promise? when all i see them now, are just unfulfilled and empty. it is with this, that i did what i did. there really is no right or wrong in this matter. i see it as a natural course of things that would happen and is happening. i'm beyond the part whereby i'm so intent on thinking whether it hurts or not, because i expected it, i can cope with it. just that, u are the one who made the promise, and yet, somehow or another, i'm expected to fulfill your promise for u. can u understand? it ain't working this way.... there's only a limit that i can do. pls understand.

it's really sickening to see things sometimes. i thought that people would at least adhere to what they say, but they didn't. once, twice, is alright... but all the time? sometimes, i really do wonder how am i going to react to it? pretend i didn't see it? how to? just act as though it's so normal even when i'm not that comfortable with it... i sound bitter? correction. i'm not. it's just irritating, and really, i don't have to witness it. yet i am... the irony of it....

four little black birds sitting on a tree.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

(you get what i mean)

life suxs.... does it? because u think it does... acutally it doesn't, i have so much more to live for and better. and that doesn't involve someone, any obligations at all. just to myself, i'm selfish this way. i like to preserve myself. right now, really, don't disturb me, i'm not really in the mood to see....

i'm getting quite bored with my layout and design already. shall change the design and everything after the exams.... haha, must source for a new one with nice design that really shows myself! any suggestions? perhaps all blood red... haha...

this is a really bad time to want to watch tv all the time! haha.... finally, other things than the com to distract me.... instead of spending more time on more appropriate things like studies, i watch the tv... haha.... and i'm not feeling guilty! save me!

much work to be done... oh no! starting to feel the heat already.... really lots to be done... i must do well, i must do well, i must do well, i must do well... how many times i have told myself this, yet i don't seem to be doing anything to make this come true! i really don't want to disappoint people who care and most of all, myself.... good luck man...

i got a feeling i have lots in me yet somehow, i really don't know how to say it out. i have not been thinking abt many things... friends, family.... somehow, i only allow myself the luxury to think abt intangible things only when i'm walking.... running... the rest of the time, i'm focus.... but is it enough? most of the time, i'm not really doing things that are important... i must change! must! must! must!

yesterday, something really bad happen to myself... by all accounts, i even say it's bad.... haha, must get used to it i guess... since it has been happening everytime it happens. i want to think it's normal, and i believe it's normal because it has to be... haha...

take care everyone....

today is a relatively tiring day.... perhaps, i let the emotions overwhelm me, in the sense that i really did. i'm really really glad that things are alright between yoke and i.... misunderstandings when not solved will really make or break a relationship between 2 ppl.... really glad in that aspect....

i think that ultimately, when u care for someone, either friends or family, all u want is happiness for them... i seldom think it at the expense of me or anything, i just think that if they are happy, that's all that matters.....

i did something very foolish today. it always happen whenever i hear stuff of them... what to do? i have reconciled already. no matter what, i do care.... and alot in fact.... what's there to hide? i do care alot... not the issue, but the person. i realise all the time, putting up a happy face, maintaining that there's nothing wrong. it is in my subconsicious. i don't understand why i do that, i should be feeling much more than just doing all that. i've come to my answer today. i care, that's why, when i see that u are happy, i feel happy for u. it's not some noble shit k, it's just a feeling... hiaz.... i can't believe, i'm that passive and hate myself sometimes..

life's really funny. don't understand how it can treat u in a certain way. there's a reason by God and i will find it one day.

pain. what is pain. it is when it hits u when u least expected it, after numbness for so long. i hope that i don't have to feel it again. i think the final impact will happen very soon. i don't know how i'll cope with it, i'll find a way.

sianz. i really must work hard. hiaz. results, please motivate me... u have to, really. let me see the light alright... pls do, thank you...

i realise that i have not been blogging for a while. haha.... been really busy this week, with stuff to hand in and tutorials to do. haha... went to watch stay alive yesterday... when i was watching the show, it was quite alright.... however, before i slept yesterday, i was a little freaked out!! have been daydreaming a tad bit too much... haha... luckily, managed to sleep...

feeling tired these 2 days... gotta try to sleep earlier, after settling the PBL report. sometimes, even though the society is very realistic, i just wish people don't have to act the same way. it's very irritating. what has happened to depending on one's own capabilities.... yes, other ppl are doing, but try not to do too much of it? it's like u are so seriously helpless and stupid.... well, that's just me i guess.... getting irritated when people just like to rely so much on others... is there such a need? it's ur own project, not any others. u can't always rely on others all your life. have confidence in yourself. if u don't have what it takes, that means u don't have... why aren't u aware at how others will look at u sometimes? aargh!

okay... vent some frustrations.... been really happy... well, firstly, because, i guess, contented with the fact that i know i'm not always alone. i will treasure the ppl around me more. i didn't in the past, and i really regretted it... sometimes, it's always a blessing in disguise how things turn out. if that didn't happen, our r/s would not been better than before. =)

i'm getting fat! very fat! i must lose all the weight!! save me!!

today is a happy day!!!! i had lunch at 3 plus!!! all the starving was worth it!!!!! haha, i was rewarded with a nice meal at cafe cartel. it's called hawiian meat lovers... haha.... treated my sis too, to sirlion steak! yay! after that, we went to motorola to repair my phone. it took such a long time!! i was watching mr bean cartoons!! so nice!!! haha...

ok, i'm officially very very broke!!! i spent about $150 on clothes and shoes!!! die! cannot buy anything more!! but i was very happy because i have not gone shopping for a long long time! really miss it... had a nice time with twin sis too! haha... such a bad influence, always asking me to buy lots of things!!!!

hiaz. crash! back to earth! i need to do my co law assignment soon! and i mean now!! good luck man!

went to the gym at toa payoh safra with peishan yesterday!! i have not swam and exercise like real hard for ages already!! i think i exercised a bit far too much, cos my left knee was hurting real bad, where each step causes intense pain... i just went to sleep and this morning, i thought it was getting better... but when i was climbing the stairs, i almost got killed! haha... but it's getting better know, thankfully...

it was great meeting peishan! and of course, jonnathan... haha... it's great talking to u... really miss u lots!!!! and dear, your dear is very nice from the first impression! haha, take care k, we'll meet soon!!!

thanks yoke for treating me kfc dinner... really was very touched... u must take care too....

my students pass their practical exams for grade 3 and grade 5!! my first time! haha, and the grade 3 one got a merit! so happy! haha.... it gives me the confidence to pursue my secret dream... yay!! nothing can drown my mood... and i mean nothing!! haha...~!

yeah, must do work soon!!

hiaz. did real badly for acc quiz. 2 stupid mistakes. damn. hiaz. really quite down over it. why is it that when u have put in effort, and then, it turns out not what u hope for. i just want a pass, is it that difficult? hiaz. won't let it get it to me, i guess. what's done has already been done. but am feeling quite down about it. hiaz.

hady won singapore idol. even though my mum was rooting for jonathan, i was rather caught. hady clearly did better... well, see how it goes, it terms of the album sales. but i will buy hady's album... haha...

don't know why. perhaps, been alone too much, then those feelings will come back. i don't know why. everyone thinks the whole issue is done with. because, he's after someone, and everything is supposed to have ended with me. my feelings, the closeness. everything. i don't know what is expected of me. am i to stop talking abt it? i want to talk abt it, but perhaps, not talking abt it is the best thing. but nobody thinks i should, i don't know who to turn to. everyone just ask, u are alright with it right? and i say yes, because, that is exepected of me.

forgetting someone is not easy. coping with it is even harder. don't say that i can't because i don't want to. u are not in my shoes, u don't understand, and don't say it is. the only person i can talk to is someone i don't often see. hiaz. everyone just says he's a jerk, and then full-stop. don't talk abt it anymore. then, it's even worse, when he's everyone's good fren. u are suppose to say, yes, it's going very well. then smile, and say u are happy for them. in front of everyone, u can pretend. because when u do, u actually convince urself that things are okay. but who are u to kid, back at home, when u are alone, u feel real lousy. but then, u have to tell urself, things are over, u are not supposed to talk abt it, because nobody wants to hear. it's killing u somehow, but u have to cope with it.

weakness. i'm just human being. i can't do things at once, expect things to turn out fine. hiaz. helpless to all these.

i don't understand, how can u do that to me? when u should, u didn't, when u shouldn't u did it, so perfectly clean. have u ever wondered how it all seem to me? all those crap abt frenship. why does everyone see u for what u present. why they don't ever wonder at how u treat me. why? i think i know the ans. but i'm too afraid to type it down. hiaz. i'm just like any other person. in all your guys fun and laughter, i'm also just someone, who get hurt. i tried my best. and i don't know how long will it take. i got to remind myself time and time again, everything meant nothing. i must, otherwise, how am i to achieve it. tell me, tell me?

hiaz. i'm just down. quiz. this stupid thing. hiaz.