hey everyone.... haha, if you are still reading this, i've moved!

www.annatserenity.blogspot.com

cya there...!

was reading through my previous entries, and i realise that, i have not been blogging really serious thoughts that i have... haha.... it's really strange, when i was reading them yesterday... it seems as though it was written by another person. somehow, i've morphed from an open person to one that is closed up... well, can't exactly pinpoint when the change took place, whether it was intentional or not, well, it just happened... anyway, just sort of noticed about it...

had a nice time recently, well, broke's the word... spending tons of money, but the revenue is unearned!! haha.... hopefully, just want to enjoy my break before internship... and just hoping that internship turns out to be a nice experience...

get more slp!!

damn. i used to hate it when my relatives say that i'm defensive since young. the need to defend anything that people say about u, just because u think that they are against u or something. now, that i'm older, i choose to defend the right kind of things, the things that are worth, or that it is even mature enough to defend about it. can't understand people sometimes, when they insist on knowing something, yet, professes to be unhappy about it, and, show it.... sigh.... perhaps, i'm just that cold-blooded...

maybe it's just me, that i've changed quite a bit. and, sometimes, it's hard to keep so many things lying inside me, so i say things out like now. yes, i have not been blogging as much as i used to, perhaps, kind of used to hiding things inside of me. my point is, just take me as i am, alright. hate porcupines.

perhaps, people like to think that i treat things as though the world revolves around me. not even gonna try to say anything about that, not worth it. if that's what they truly think, i can't do much about it. realise that very long ago. just that, perhaps, i'm as tired as everybody, trying to do the right things, and realise that if i do feel the same things back, i would be glad to. but i don't, and i don't want to keep trying to feel something when i simply don't.

i've said enough...

let go. that's the best thing that anyone can do towards anything. i realise that, when i hold on, i made myself damn unhappy. and when i'm unhappy, it's like, so? no sense in being unhappy i guess... so, i let go, not the total good feeling i have, but i feel much better.... =)

even though i harbour no ill feelings towards them, i would truly appreciate it if no one even mention them if possible. it's kind of childish, but, that's me in a way. see no evil, hear no evil. running away, so what? i can't possibly run from them forever, but while i still can, i don't see the harm?

having lots of fun watching the prince turns into a frog! so nice!! i cry while watching it! love it!!!

today is the 201 paper.... tried my best, but didn't manage to finish it. sigh, as usual, what's new??? sigh... hopefully, it's enough to get a pass at least. perhaps, i'm a realist at the end of the day.... i might not know if i have what it takes to be a good accountant, but i know, i try my best. maybe it's not the best, but i do try, and if it's not enough, i should just keep trying i guess. perhaps, i do also believe that, as long as u try, u will be rewarded.... i don't have to be rewarded substantially, just not to the extent that i'm a failure i guess, sigh..... right now, don't feel much, i've always been good numbing myself towards things i don't wanna feel. perhaps, when the results arrive, then i feel the full impact and start breaking down.... perhaps...

2 more papers to go... gonna study harder i guess... at least, it's less stressful for me, lesser concepts... haha, hopefully? sigh....

feeling left out about things recently.... make me feel like running away many times... i managed to stay.... don't know how much longer can i take sometimes..... trying trying....

tired tired.... blog more when i'm in happier mood....

a song, i've always love this song

beyonce knowles - listen

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your ownall cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known

Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....
LISTEN!!!...

To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete
Oh,Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my ownn...

well, down by one paper.... it's a relief yet not so too... haiz, as usual, i didn't manage to finish the paper, been doing my utmost best, but somehow, i'm always tied down by the first question. and the rest of the paper, well, it's really a race against time, and i always seem to lose... sigh, just hope that for the next paper, i can manage to finish it.... i have faith! always!! sigh, if only my heart really believes that.... been a pesismist recently.... =( just hope that i do well for the papers.... at least, just alright? sigh...

my initial plan was to blog a long entry about coping with things so far, however, my heart does not seem to be in it. perhaps, i've lost the mood already.... haha.... that's good in a way i guess, blogging about the sad past is really not a very healthy thing to do....

dread going to sch.... just the thought of spending a few hours in school is such a shuddering thought.... can't wait to get out of it once i've entered the sch, even though it's for a purpose, such as taking exams.... the profound feeling of dreading sch, perhaps, even hating it, stems from the fact that there's nothing for me to look forward in school.... well, the only thing that i'm being reminded of everytime, the failure i am, for doing badly, for not performing, it's a sucky feeling, but it's kind of hard not to think in this way, as the environment is such that? it is even more prominent during exams.... u feel your usefulness, or the lack of it.... it's such a pragmatic society, it really is.... u are only seen as useful, if u are smart.... well, don't understand why am i even commenting on it, perhaps, it's bloody obvious, and i love to talk about the things i can't stand... sometimes, i really wonder, where do people get the energy to compare, to try to be the best? when all they do is get each others throat... simply, i'm in the wrong place.... well, surprise... life still goes on... one more year.... can't wait....

been listening to FIR's and Fish Leong's song.... and i wanna dedicate a particular song to a fren... i just think of him whenever i hear the song.... but before the song, i just wanna say something in general... been running away recently, i don't know if anyone has picked on that.... i'm running away to the comforts of my family.... it's there when i feel safe, protected, away from competition, bad feelings.... and that, is what family is supposed to represent, however, if it's at the expense of my social life, then, there's something really wrong? i don't really know how to reconcile, except that, i feel very lonely when i'm away from my family... perhaps, that's the reason that i always want to run back to my family? sigh....

met a new friend from US recently... his name is eric... nice guy!!

alright, here's the song...

fish leong - 暖暖

都可以随便的
你说的我都愿意去
小火车摆动的旋律

都可以是真的
你说的我都会相信
因为我完全信任你

细腻的喜欢
毛毯般的厚重感
晒过太阳熟悉的安全感
分享的汤我们俩吃汤吃一个碗
左心房暖暖的好保暖

我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
真心的对我好
不要求回报

爱一个人希望他过更好
他从心里暖暖的
你对自己更重要

都可以随便的
你说的我都愿意去
回忆里满足的旋律

都可以是真的
你说的我都会相信
因为我完全信任你

细腻的喜欢
你手掌的厚实感
什么困难都觉得有希望

我很这个你自然的就接下一段
我知道暖暖就在胸膛

我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
真心的对我好
不要求回报

爱一个人希望他过更好
他从心里暖暖的
你对自己更重要

我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
从来都很低调
自信心不高
爱一个人希望他过更好

他从心里暖暖的
你对自己更重要

it's a sucky feeling to be sick, makes me feel so vulnerable.... and i started to listen to fish leong's songs, makes me so aargh! and i cried.... sigh, i think it's because my sis is nursing a break-up, and in my process of comforting her, i was reminded of the past too? haha, it's not as bad as it sounds, just feeling sorry for myself? i wanted to insert a long entry, but perhaps, it has to wait till tomorrow? when the 202 paper is done!!

i hope to finish studying.... although, i don't seem to be able to answer the past year papers, i still have faith!

hopefully, the paper will look nice tomorrow.... jiayou to me!!!

well, my entry for yesterday has been deleted due to my computer's persistency in hanging everytime i'm trying to do something great....? haha.... had a nice time yesterday at IKEA, eating the meatballs and chicken wings! absloutely love it! why oh why didn't i take a photo...? haha....

i've always meant to blog about this issue, however, seems to have forgotten about it.... well, i remember now.... i hate being the bad person, when the whole stupid issue wasn't started by me. damn, and i have went on the route to perform damage control, the whole thing comes back to haunt me? i think i'm pissed becuase i do not have the last say.... call it pride or something along that line.... hate it.... and now, i'm feeling out of sorts because i'm not used to being the person who deliver the bad news.... i'm more used to being fed with the bad news and dealing with it. perhaps, it comes with taking responsibility for emotional issues? i don't like to be in the centre of things, taking charge or anything, it really suxs.... but it is over right now, so kind of glad in a way too, i just take it that i've been used again.... but people of the same kind.... i think i should have gotten it after so many times, steer clear of those kind... and i'll be safe and protected again. perhaps, once again, u wonder, how people of a certain maturity can be harmful? u'll never know... just be on the same side....

well, i really should start studying now.... sigh.... jiayou everyone!

i have to stop reading story books and start mugging!!! sigh... i just love reading books, yet its at the wrong time.... i have to focus! stop pooling! stop feeling like i want to slp!! haha...

it's been a long time since i've confronted this topic. playing games. i've not done this for a long time, yet, when i'm at it, i don't even know i'm at it. sometimes, i think i'm too good at it that when i succeed, it left me with a hollow feeling.... sigh, what can i say? i'm too good for my own good.... sometimes, i think i end up hurting myself when others are out in the open and having the time of their life... sigh...?

just study just study....

i slept for 45 mins last night, it was a terrible ordeal and i swore never to go through it again. i was so foolish, at what expense? my presentation sucks like shit... sigh, i know that it is damn bad, from the looks of the tutor, seems like i didn't do my preparation.... sigh, i was that tired, my mind just blanked out automatically.... sigh, the feeling that u know u are alright at something, yet, u can't perform, it's so damn sad.... i felt really bad for my grp mates... i'm so so sorry.... i always fail to learn my lesson....

went to the library afterwards to wait for twin sister.... i felt so sleepy...! i think it had to do with the book that i borrowed.... i was in the mood for a challenging mystery.... alas, my mind can't follow... perhaps, the language wasn't really for my mood too.... managed to borrow one though, a mystery!

sigh, must get to studying soon.... i've got to try to do better for my aa201 module, might not pass? sigh.... i do always reap what i sow... anybody who wants to study with me, feel free to contact me, but, try not to venture too far, i think? haha....

nice time with peishan on tues!

love the movie today! meeting the robinsons!

i'm seriously sick of projects, just want to get down and study properly! ahz! i'm sick of the computer! i just don't ever want to see it again... i just want a quiet place to study, as the computer is damn irritating!! with so much distractions, and i'm not a very focused person.... sigh....

i don't really care much about things right now, if people wanna get hurt, that's their business. i'm sick of trying to protect others when i need some protecting myself..... sometimes, just leave me alone? i'm sick of answering questions that i don't want to.... and i don't really like people to keep asking... i'm private that way... too bad, i'm harsh, and i expect people to be too.... that's the way i am, and that may not be the case for everyone, well, too bad i guess....

haiz, projects, please fly away? thanks...

i have a nice time today, playing that is, well, have been meaning to study once i've played enough, and i guess, the time has really come that i should have had my fun... =) have been playing pool like mad these few days.... and in the process, met some interesting guys... a guy from US and another from UK. it's kind of interesting to talk to different people, asking what is happening around the world, knowing that there is something different out there than Singapore... and the interesting thing i've noticed is that they are usually more talkative if the find out u are not of the same gender... haha....

trying to rush projects, somehow, my heart is not in it, doing those projects.... it's a surreal feeling, somehow, doing the projects, yet, seeing myself out of the picture.... sigh, when will all these end.... just can't wait to study in peace, without any interference... and the thing is, i'm not even anxious.... sigh..... just go away!!

many things happened this week... and, somehow, i think, whatever i've done, i'm happy with it... be at peace. =)

i have been meaning to blog, do my IT, but, alas, jy has been asking me to play games... haha.... okay, i will do IT tmr!!!!! i must! sigh.... i almost cried just now, haha, almost, well, an old wound threatens to surface again.

perhaps, it's the end of the term, and something happened at the canteen today, i have nothing much to think abt, then i start thinking abt the past again.... i remember the day where all of us were having dinner at subway... some comments that u made were so hypocritical, i really wonder, how could i ever had seen u as someone perfect.... perhaps, i'm just much too bias, it's just that, sometimes, i just sigh? have been doing that less and less lately, which is good, i'm almost healed, just perhaps, that 1% of stubborn self that refuses to give in, for reasons, unknown to even to myself.... well, anyway, all will be forgotten soon, with exams and... the holidays!! despite the internship, will be looking forward to the hols, meeting up with dear friends, and having lots of time to myself... =)

i think i have mentioned it to someone, haha, or many people actually, i seem to fall for the wrong persons all the time, none of them actually fit my criteria, yet, i just fall for them? haha, it's really funny.... to me, it's just God's test for me, if i do actually find someone that is really the true one, somehow, i will know, as God will ensure that i do know and cherish the other person... was telling yoke just now, no matter who is around me right now, just enjoying everyone's company, am glad for it too.... =)

have to start studying real soon.... sigh, after completing dreaded IT soon.... =)

it's quite sad, in the sense that, a friendship is spoilt just like that.... i'm sad, because, i've always thought of u as a fren, someone who is asking nothing much of me, yet hang out once in a while... well, i may say that i don't care, because i need to not care, before i can actually carry what i intend to do....

i've been in a dilemna since the day i know. i've been in your shoes before, and i know what is the worse thing that could happen to someone in the exact same position. hope, ambiguity, just basically, expectations that something more will happen. when, all i know, is just the word, stop, stop dreaming, stop expecting. easier said then done.... i'm not really sure what kind of person u are, anyway, i've dealt in it the best way i can... whatever repurcussions that will follow, i don't really dare to think.... even when everything has come to light, even when we are not friends anymore, perhaps, just hope that u know what i've done is all in your best interests.

after speaking to God, i feel much better about my actions. have never been really good at this emotional kind of things. i'm selfish in a way, i like my peaceful life, and i don't want the status quo to be changed... yes, that is how fiercely i've been guarding this safety cove i've protected myself in...

some piece of good news that do motivate me.... apparently, our IT project seems to sit well with the tutor... haha, gald that something is finally going well, so gonna try the best for part 2... *fingers-crossed*

now, mugging for tax quiz.... =( haha, jiayou no matter what....

i hate it when people spoil the calm life i have. i have been desperately trying to get over a bad experience and yet come another one. it's very tiring to have to maintain friendship after friendship when all i want is to have some stability in my life.... i thought that, finally, i have someone to be there for me, having harmless fun occassionally, asking nothing in return. apparently, my good intentions have been misguided in someone else's eyes.... and whatever i've done, when i think of it, it's as though i have been leading someone wrongly... it's really terrible...

i hate trying to be the bad person, that just ain't not me, and it's making me feel very uncomfortable.... i hate it hate it.... others may think i'm childish... i just can't get over some things, and i don't think i ever will.... getting back to what was before, i think it's very difficult.... perhaps, maybe, never.... i don't understand why some people must wait until the ultimate before they get the message.... *shivers*

many projects to do... many things to study.... hope that i can do well in the upcoming exams... all friends, pls take care....

sometimes, when u know that things are impossible, u don't often think when u do things, behave in a certain way, because u know that things are impossible. however, i realise, that sometimes, i forgot to think of the other party, i forgot to think of what they may think. what i deemed as impossible, may not be what they see..... perhaps, that's my mistake... no matter what, both of us have done wrong in certain ways, and that, i don't know what will happen in future.... i'm glad in a way, that this have happened, i feel much relaxed, much at ease.... it's like something has gone away, for me.... i'm selfish, i don't need this kind of things right now in my life.... i'm happy with alot of things, status quo, must remain unchanged.....

stephanie sun has this song, "understand". it's because when u understand, that's why things seem so sad.... i've never wish for anything sad to happen to anyone.... it's just in my nature to behave this way towards everyone.... some people may find it irritating, some people may think it's just me, no matter what, i'm just like that.... i've never set out to play games with anyone, and friends, u know, i can play if i want to.... so pls, perhaps, understand that? as in my previous entry, i've stated very clearly, not now, not in future, not forever.... it's just impossible....

i'm not feeling very good cos of this incident.... sometimes, when u think that things left unsaid is much better than things said.... i've tried both, and both reap nothing good.... what's the best thing to do then? i don't know... perhaps, to do with feelings, there's none....

when i have something to do, i seldom say, so most people don't know that i'm busy.... i may portray that i'm not, but i am.... that's just me, so pls try to understand if i can't go out at the last minute... i'm not like most people, who say what's on their mind directly, i'm still learning.... so, try to understand, perhaps, i send out the wrong signals, but it's not intentionally done, i just hate to disappoint people in that way.... so i'm really sorry....

most people have their own problems, who doesn't? i have always known that i'm rather fortunate... and that, i wish for nothing much then what i have materialistically.... glad for the people in my life, people who love me, friends by side.... appreciate all of u.... =) take care lots.....

i've just changed my blog skin.... i hope u guys love it.... haha.... i rather like the idea of staring into the wide open sky which represents the freedom to love, choose, do whatever i want... =)

i'm rather happy these few days.... happy with the way things are going, especially with the relationships i have with people i care about.... i feel really blessed.... =) thanks for listening to me guys.... i know i talk alot, and not many can stand that about me, haha, but too bad, no choice! sometimes, i think i should not talk too much, i can't help it though... =)

i'm quite an extreme person, in certain circumstances.... i can be really quiet and talkative at the same time... =) just that, i've changed.... i don't know why, suddenly, i felt that today... i've always thought that this is me, but i've changed.... don't know what brought about the change, but strangely so, i felt much lighter and at peace with myself.... have not felt that in a long while... Perhaps, God is by my side, blessing me with a calm and peaceful life.... even the most terrible of persons can't affect me too much....

i hope this happiness last.... however, happy things usually do not last for long.... somehow, something dark and gloomy is lurking out there, striking when we're unaware... robbing us of the little happiness we may feel... however, i believe i'm strong enough to cope with whatever that is out there.... i believe and hence i do know that as long as i keep my spirits up, have the faith, i will feel happy....

compared to my previous entries, this is a much lighter entry... haha, perhaps, i'm back to my positive self once again... to the things i have which are not good... i hope for better times ahead.... a happy gal can hope can't she.... =)

many birthdays upcoming this week.... haha... had a nice time attending all of them.... yesterday was ming zhong's bday.... happy bday!! was chatting with wei xin about many things... it was nice, talking about many different kind of things... it has been quite some time that i have seriously talked about things with friends... recently, many birthdays coming up, had to hang out with friends and buy presents.... so had nice serious conversations! haha....

met up with dear peishan last fri..... yes... we'll go jogging soon! and study!!

another birthday to attend later... wei xin! haha... gonna be fun!

right now, many things to occupy me.... been starting to play the piano again.... i wanna be in tip-top condition when i start my diploma lessons.... =) can't wait for that....! suddenly, realise that i have many things to look forward to.... the end of sch!!! finally, i can be myself again..... exams...! okay, that's weird.... but, when exams are over... i'll be damn glad too.... haha....

right now, many projects to do.... sigh... jiayou myself!

i'm naive.... i thought our friendship means much more than just silly results, marks.... apparently, i was wrong... i'm really naive, wanting to believe in the good of people, why do they always prove me wrong? i wasn't that affected... strange, i seem to be in the mode of calmness even in the face of a storm.... once again, perhaps, i've really cultivated a sense of calm and of no disturbance whatsoever...

i'm not feeling much about things nowadays.... not tired, just, don't really see a point in many things.... k la, dun feel like blogging anymore.... games!

poor poor blog, u have been neglected for far too long.... haha... does this mean i'm back to writing fervently once again.... have not felt the need to blog too much for about a month or so.... there is not one particular reason, perhaps, felt the need to be away from "prying" eyes for awhile.... somehow, u realise, no matter how much u try to run or hide, it's just a simple way of escapism from everything.... suddenly, realise that i have to wake up one day... and why not now?

whatever, just whatever. everything can go wrong for me, so what? my results sux... that's a major thing in my life, in a way.... sigh.... sometimes, can't help but feel that why everything seems to go wrong in uni.... trying to make the best out of things, even if i'm forcing myself to see the positive side of things, yet, it just seems much too difficult.... wonder where has it gone nastily wrong.... trying to convince myself of alot of things, with so many factors into play, and maybe i've hit the nail on the head, what am i to do.... sometimes, people can't get out of the bottomless pit, not because they don't want to, it's just that the circumstances surrounding them makes it hard for them to come out of it alive....

excuses, perhaps, but it's a good excuse.... just realise that the people that i'm hanging out with at each stage of my sch life are really very different.... no matter what, i have chosen this path for myself, just take it and walk on... in about a little more than a year, i will kiss this path goodbye, and boy will i be glad to see it far away from me.... embarking on a journey that i have a strong inkling that i will not really like, seemingly from the people i seem to encounter now and then, but i will strive on..... for the people who deemed is the right one for me....

strive on, i can do it.... what u don't like doesn't mean u can't excel at it can't u? yeah...