today started off rather well. had my usual piano lesson before heading to jy's hse for some fun!! haha.... today's turn out was not bad. the usual, yoke, jm, jh, bh and yz!! haha... yz and i had a "battle"... we were playing streetfighter... haha... had a fun time laughing... i like fighting games... haha... don't u think it's so fun to fight!! haha... reminds me of the time when i played with my cousins... girls are more polite, as they wouldn't have all those languages... haha.... nice!!

anyway, some phrases for thought. too tired to really want to blog out everything.

your presence is diminishing
still important, but bearable
unusual, not noticeable
anymore.

i thought i would find it sad
but, i don't.
perhaps, relief.
better.

hiaz... no mood le... cya...! haha

i've been sort of procrastinating abt blogging... haha... busy mapling... not really addicted, just that, i really have nothing to do, and maple is mind-numbing. it makes me not think... haha, which is not good, but, a good distraction. so, what do i need distracting from? actually, nothing much, or rather, nothing serious, just that, it's not good to keep thinking abt them. i think... haha....

anyway, an update! went to celebrate ym's bday at tbp with yoke and jy... haha, when u put 2 really crappy ppl tog, u'll get lots of fun and laughter, and a bad stomache!! haha.... haven't crap that happily in quite a while... somehow, the feeling is different, crapping or idling chatting with different ppl.... ytd was somehow more relaxed than the ganbei session... perhaps, the feeling or situation has changed rather dramatically ba.... haha... i think it's the way i'm feeling or thinking right now... and i like the feeling of being free-spirited... instead of a heavy stone lying on me... =)

if i see something that i find suited for a friend, the cost does not really worry or bother me.... esp, if the fren is an important fren... well, somehow, so, i hope, just don't dwell abt the reasons on why i bought it, ok? it's really nothing...

somehow, the more u try to portray that nothing is really going on, the result is usually the opposite? it's not hard to venture a reason why, it's because u keep making it not a big deal that i turned out to be one... damn... why is it sometimes so hard to really just tell it as it is? because subtly doesn't work, straightforwardness doesn't work... what does? perhaps, just whatever...?

i wonder do we need to purposely do something? esp in a relationship. sometimes, why can't 2 ppl just simply be in love? enjoy the company of each other. walking, holding hands with a happy smile on their faces. pointing out things interesting to each other. sharing thoughts that matches. touching each other faces lovingly. why must there be complexity? like factors including jealously, spitefulness among others? i don't know why, but i hope it doesn't happen to me. i would rather be out than be in something not joyful. love is about spreading and sharing it. not indulging in weird fantasies, i think?

anyway, been feeling really playful recently... haha, conscience is not bothering me... in the sense that i feel like doing what i want to? haha... see how ba, really wanna do something stupid... haha....

went to watch a movie today! lady in the water by M. Night Shyamalan. i like it very much!! i've checked the reviews, they didn't write very nice stuff abt it... well, too bad! i thought it has a childlike quality which is lacking in many movies nowadays... haha, i'm not a movie critic then! i think movies which are imaginative, where, it is not real, appeals to me greatly... i've always believed that the impossible is much more beautiful... =)

i've been thinking alot recently... also don't know why... haha, perhaps it's after meeting yoke i guess, i got inspired to do some thinking... haha... will share it when it's clearer.... =)

celebrating ym's bday tmr... gonna be interesting! =)

went town with yoke today!! we catch up lots!!!!! and i realise that i have not talked so much for a long time, stuff that matters to me.... hmm, it's really great to catch up and hope that things are always fine on your side...!!!

i think i'm gonna have a busy week ahead... =)

i had a marvellous time today!! went kbox!! but my dear sis is so sianz.... then didn't wanna sing lots... in the end, i almost had my own concert!! haha.... hmm, my song knowledge is so limited!! can't sing much... but no matter what, i always enjoy singing...!! after that, we headed to hereen to shop a little... after the spending spree at KL, we felt a bit reluctant to part with our cash... haha... after that, went to watch thank you for smoking...! i like the show! it's abt political pirorities between the smoking industry and non-smoking senator... i thought the pace could have been alot faster, and the dialouge sharper so that the laughs will come much faster and more... but all in all, good show!

i was stunned, when jh asks me how i define ppl who are impt to me.... i thought, ain't it quite obvious, that certain ppl are more impt than another... it's all abt, who has always been there for u... my answer was who bothered to keep in touch with me... i didn't go into details, but it made me think abit... how do u define ppl who are impt to u... my definition is, that i do constantly think of them, wanting to be there for them in any way... anyone who makes me feel this need, is impt! haha, kind of rubbish? but that's how i think... it doesn't really matter if they do not feel the same way, think the same thoughts towards impt, but as long as i find them impt, they will always have a place in my heart...

sometimes, i really wonder, am i always fated to meet jerks? i think the reason God has given me these experiences is that i can see the many faces of guys... what they really are, how they can think, in terms of the BGR aspect... however, i thank God for giving me great guy frens... perhaps, i finally do understand john donne when he professes abt platonic frenship, being the most impt and precious, it is the most unique and most valuable of all...

what is one's greatest fear? at some point in time in one's life, this question must have crossed us... perhaps, we don't dare to say it out, because we liked to be thought of as strong and infalliable, having the ability to cope with anything. i'm no different. i was thinking of this question, well, cos, i was bored with chatting abt the usual mundane topics and thought something like this wld spice up the conversations... haha, i'm pretty lame... well, i can't admit my greatest fear right? haha....

i'm glad that the trip was a healing process all over... i managed to give some thoughts at bay... and i realise that i'm not thinking abt it any longer!! yay!! haha... i was just walking home and i realised it is seldom that i felt so light... literally... in the past, something will always be weighing on my mind... yay!! it's gone!! haha....

kind of looking forward to sch starting... it's time to put my brain to use i guess.... damn stupid man... i am... well, there's always space for amends!! haha... so, yupz....

meeting yoke tmr!!! yay!!!

back from KL and genting! broke with a capital B!! haha, but, i had a nice time shopping!! i managed to forget a lot of things when i shop! then, when i was on the bus ride home, i can't help but think, sch's starting... sianz man... in a way, looking forward to it, i think the focus for this sem shld not be much a problem.... hopefully, all my planning and stuff would bring me the results i want!

i'm tired... talk more tmr!

last entry for a couple of days... i can't sleep last night, because i've been bogged down by this rather unresovled thought i have... damn, even my cousins, who i have tuition everyday with have commented on my rather small eyes... due to the lack of sleep i guess...

these few months, i have been forgetting stuff that i'm supposed to do... stuff my family have entrusted in me.... of course, i did not forget on purpose... but the thing is, they seem to think that i have been too self-absorbed in myself to forget simple stuff.... hiaz... am i? i was not really like that in the past... ever since i entered uni, i just can't remember, stuff that they told me yesterday, or the day itself, i will just forget to do later.... i seriously did not do it on purpose... why?

is it because i've discovered self? myself? i used to be someone with super low self-confidence... insecurity plauged me very badly... the thing is, i have been better in terms of coping with myself, and perhaps, i've taken it abit too far? i've tried to remember, and i really hate myself for forgetting... but what i can't forgive is the lack of understanding... we are siblings, and, must u scold me to the extent that i do it on purpose? the thing is, it is not hurting me anymore, and that worries me... what is happening? i have dealt with it, or rather, learn to live with it? perhaps, to both.... since i can't find a solution, must as well, dispel everything... hiaz... what's the point? things are going well, and then they are not... damn, why must my relationship with u be such a see-saw.... can't it be a river, with up and downs at certain periods, not all the time... hiaz... i don't know what to do anymore... i do believe that God have a plan for me though... that, i trust in him to help me figure out what's going on somehow...

yes, i will try to remember things from now on.... i will try my best...

hmm, sometimes, i do wish that whatever i do, it doesn't feel so much like i'm doing it for the sake of it... because it's right, because i have to do it... i just wish i can do things because i want to do it, that i like it.... but the thing is, life is such that i can't really do what i want all the time... and i seriously suxs... know what's the worse thing? it's knowing that u can't and u have to hide behind a facade... this is all leading to the fact that i've gotten over u... but i can't help but u think i haven't... and i don't know if i should tell u, and i don't know if u would still think i have feelings for u after i told u... some say i should, some say i shouldn't... i want to.... but should i? whenever i face u now, i feel a sense of tiredness... i don't know why... somehow, i feel tied down and draggy, which is wrong? because, i have nothing bound to u and u have nothing bound to me at all... DUTY... is that all it is to it? or have i started to hate u somehow, tt's why i have this feelings? or is it expectations? that i feel u have towards me.... people say i don't think enough... i think i have think too much.... i think i have already... and i want to sleep, run away, from all this... i welcome the break.... because, there is already one... u put it between us, and i feel i have to bridge it, but why must i? duty again... because, that's the way i am... hmm, i'm confused? yes, i am.. let me be, i'm tired....

hiaz.... i will enjoy my trip!!!!!

i didn't want to blog initially, but i realise that it would be my last entry before i leave for genting and KL... perhaps, should blog abt something... haha... today, finally went for my kboxing session with yz and jy!!!! it's been a long time!!! i enjoyed every minute!! after that, we went shopping ard town area....

then met everyone at cine to watch pirates of the carribean: the dead man's chest! this is my second time!! haha.... i love it!!! ok, i may gush abt the guys in the show here and there... well, they are really good!! haha.... anyway, the plot is alot of content... i can't wait for the next movie to come!!!!

haha.... anyway, i didn't realise that what one feels on the inside may sometimes be reflected on the outside... hmm... should be careful i guess... hiaz, sometimes, afraid that the past would come back on haunt me. if i start to seriously mind what everyone thinks of me in the serious sense, i would seriously fail to comprehend myself anymore.... whatever for now....

sometimes, i can't help but wish that my mom understands me... i wanna do well, just wish that she would stop mentioning stupid stuff that i do not want to be reminded of... i promise myself that i would try real hard next sem... and pls, really, stop adding salt on my wounds... i mean, don't say things u don't mean it? just because on isolated incident, u put me on trial and send me to serve my sentence without listening to me at all... hiaz, luckily, it didn't get to me that badly... well, we are going on a trip together... best to maintain peace....

hmm.... sometimes, when u tell people abt things, things when u don't even see the logic, and they don't... so perhaps, they whole issue is just illogical... whatever...

kk, everyone out there, take care!!!

i used to have a love-hate relationships with love songs. on one hand, they touch me deeply, as i seem to be able to connect with most of them, abt heart pains, the failure to let go. then i hate them, because most of them are untrue. time heals everything. in the end, u forget the love songs that touche u, because, they don't anymore, in that way. the connection, is not there anymore. haha, why did i mention this? perhaps, i really have nothing better to do on the train, and this thought suddenly occur to me.

i used to love to sing songs, in the way that they mean something to me. now, haha, i'm more of honing my singing skills, the little there are... these subtle changes have been overcoming me slowly... i cannot deny that i did not notice these signs... hmm.... really gald that i been feeling perky, abit crazy, rather bubbly... it's quite different from the me abt a month and a half ago... when i think back, i feel rather disgusted with myself... can't stand it man, but without the experience, i wld not turn out stronger, the person i am now... a more determined me to see things through my way...

and i realise simply, i'm ready....

=)

i enjoyed myself tremendously today. i went to donate my blood! hui qi accompanied me with good intentions, hiaz. but she had fine veins!! the needle is too big for her.... think she had almost given up! haha.... but thanks for coming with me! hmm, went to west mall after that with her. shop around for a while before eating BK for dinner... i had a nice time chatting with her!!! hope to get to our ubin trip soon!!

the staff nurse was the one poking the needle into me. well, it was a painful experience!! i totally didn't expected any pain, because the previous experiences were smooth and painless.... well, it was painful today, leaving a bruise and a weak arm in me. hiaz. it was quite trumatic!! haha... well, i'll forgive him then, since, well, i don't know... k, crapping...

had a talk with my dad just now. sort of, i think? actually, the whole picture is clearer now. not that it matters? actually, haven't been talking to him in abt 3 days... miss him? can't deny it, a tenny wee bit. however, it's more of the kind that u miss because it's a comfort thing? well, it is... anyway, even if he's avoiding me, there's nothing i can do.... kind of gald that none of this is affecting me any way... guess that i've grown up finally.... and that, i can handle it. perhaps, one day, when i'm brave enough to talk abt this in my blog, then it is a definite that it doesn't affect me one bit... he's not mature. period. haha. that's it.

gonna watch pirates tmr!! yay! with a strange company though. haha, shall talk abt it tmr then!

scales are usually descending and ascending, just like feelings, either going up or down. there are chromatic ones, with many tricks in between, just like little incidents, interwined with flats and sharps, that makes things so confusing. major scales are supposed to sound like it means, major impacts that mean something. but why is it that minor scales are the ones that have melodic and harmonic kinds. melodic is not what it says, melodious, that are things to take note of, when ascending and descending. u have to be careful of what u portray when u are in front of many others. harmonic scales sound boring and safe, where harmony prevails, well, it does, because of the happy front u present to others. i don't really like scales, i do like appeggios, clean and neat. simplicity. that's what i want.

sometimes, i do wonder, why must things be so confusing or complicating. it's actually very simple. just don't think abt many other things, life would be so much nicer to live. yesterday was the first night in weeks that i actually suffer from insomia. due to the lack of brain usage, i usually just dose off relatively fast. in the sense that i tire myself out by using the com. the thing is, i slept very little, and i still can't sleep. yeah, thinking abt things, the first time in weeks... i really hate myself for thinking so much, when i swore to myself that i will stop thinking. i have already, and i still let it get to me. my will power is not that strong i guess. however, i will put an end to it. i owe it to him at least. perhaps, when everything comes to a close, we will be happier beings somehow? i'm already happy, i dun want my happiness to be built on someone's.

anyway, let's talk abt something more cheerful. went to have dinner with the usual uni pals... yoke's back!! jm, candy, jy and jh... went to this place called rockymaster for dinner.... a word of caution, just don't go there if u can help it... before that, we played hearts!! what a nice game!! haha, i managed to win the first few.... after dinner, we went to play pool... haha, not much improvement though... haha... must play more!! went home, was damn tired, but still can't sleep... sianz...

anyway, swimming is going along fine i think... treading the water seems to be going along quite well... haha, hope to learn it soon!! anyway, going to do some work... have fun man, i think...

time heals, i suppose it does. actually, it really does. but no matter what, the feeling or defeat, resignation, will always be there... perhaps, not to the extent of losing a battle, but, knowing that people give up without trying, it's just such an easy way of escaping, solving problems, that may be present or not. i don't know what the hell i'm complaining abt, because, i've no right, no reason or even no feeling towards that... but any experience, will definitely leave it's scars... scars do fade, wounds do heal, strength will prevail... sometimes, it's just that little bit of holding back.... why? for reasons that it's unknown....

haha, crapping ba... anyway, what's there to regret? haven't been thinking abt it for a long time, guess the will is strong. i just hope when the time comes, i'll be generous enough.... have been thinking abt it, abt the time when both of us eventually find the other half. thinking it matters, then thinking it doesn't matter. have i come to a decision? actually, yes, it doesn't matter to me, but still, there's this little bit of holding back... crapz whatever.

he's seriously not worth it.... as a fren, ya, but in the bgr sense... yupz. i have nothing better to do in my life right.... yes, that's true too... slacking in the hols, thinking abt rubbish, or the times that i actually do think abt it... so, i do sincerely give him my blessings....

now, my pirority is studies, and will be for some time... have been obstinate abt some modules i want to take. because, partly, i believe in my own capabilities.... well, i'm wrong, perhaps... i just hate ppl telling me what i can and what i can't, even though they have my best interests.... i'm just stubborn, and i believe i know myself best... pompous thoughts? well, they are mine.... perhaps, need to improve on this stubborn streak of mine...

anyway, hopefully, i can get all my modules... good luck!!

i had lots of fun today!! went to the gym with peishan!! haha, managed to work out quite a bit... abit aching here and there, esp, in the arms... that means, not enough exercise!! haha... miss her lots too... had a great time catching up... pls slot me in ur busy schedule kk! haha....

relatively slack these days... by choice ba.... didn't really ask ppl out... hmm, now, really slack... haha... yupz... that's all!!!

i have a date with pei shan tmr! we are gonna go exercising!! yay! i really do need it.... been not really running. partly, feeling rather lazy and have a bit of a flu. haha... excuses? well, perhaps... anyway, been in a dilemna... and i don't even know why? i feel that i'm thinking too much, perhaps there's a need not to... hiaz, don't really know what to do, just the decision that i'm making will really affect me to a large extent.... see first lor... hiaz...

anyway... shld really get to do some readings... and i mean, shld... haha

went for my first swimming lesson today, after a long time of swimming aimlessly, in the sense that i don't really know but just swim because i want to swim... haha.... hmm, interesting man, learning to swim properly, have to unlearn everything i have learnt in the past... feeling very tired now, i think it really serves me right, for drinking 2 cups of coffee and a cup of tea yesterday... really can't sleep properly... toss and turn for quite a while... well, as i said, i deserve it...

went suntec shopping with mum and twin sis yesterday... wanted to go and take a look at the jewel exhibition but mum has no ic.. hiaz... so we walked at suntec the whole day... managed to buy some stuff, and as usual, i'm broke!!! went to china square for dinner, my fav yu pian mee fen sambal sotong!!!! haha, really miss it man!!!

haha... looking to more good days to come!