after talking to God, i feel much better... the decision ultimately will be in God's hand, and i trust that He will make the best decision for me....
it helped me boundless...
i'm not trying to create something out of nothing, but it is really affecting me.... i'm better now...
thank you God...
good luck in my studies.... i really need it....
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
women power!
i wanted to blog abt this, but the i have forgotten.... haha, so here i am now... okok.... it's abt this newspaper article that i saw on the sunday times... it says that women are such weaklings when it comes men.... we can stand it when the boss is nasty to us, we can make it by working late... u get the gist... but when it comes to matters of the heart, women just give it to the men willingly, and they become irrational...
when i read the article, i was like, so apt... hmm... k! superwoman at work... we don't need men! yay!!
kk, going le... cya...
when i read the article, i was like, so apt... hmm... k! superwoman at work... we don't need men! yay!!
kk, going le... cya...
i need to get a grip on reality
have been studying today... and the thing is, i thing i've accoplished quite a bit, although, there's more to be done... aargh! i hope exams can be over soon... i feel very sianz over it...
i've said i'm not gonna blog abt him, and i'm not gonna to...
this is a song that i feel it's v apt now... love to play it on the piano.... here goes
daniel bedingfield - if you're not the one
If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I
my sis says that something's bugging me, cos, i'm odd today... she's right, something's bugging me real bad...
i've said i'm not gonna blog abt him, and i'm not gonna to...
this is a song that i feel it's v apt now... love to play it on the piano.... here goes
daniel bedingfield - if you're not the one
If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I
my sis says that something's bugging me, cos, i'm odd today... she's right, something's bugging me real bad...
a state of neutrality
hmm... i'm gonna say this the last time... i refuse to think otherwise! yeah, my younger sis thinks i'm paranoid... it's kind of difficult not to think otherwise... when u are trying to draw me into your life... it's real difficult... i will push aside for now... though, it's kind of hard for him... yeah.... that's it... frens, frens and frens... that's not too bad....
been studying in sch with yoke... haha... it's fun, as in u don't feel that alone.... i think that the guys in NTU are very hardworking... mugging like nobody's shit... and when i asked mag, she says that only happens in the acc fac... hiaz... it's very stressful, in the sense that they have their pirorities mapped out, and i'm like, going with the flow, see how each day takes me... i'm trying to feel the heat for exams, but it's not succeeding... i need to be stress, but i'm not, and my first paper is next wednesday... aargh... i'm only still at chapter 2 out of 9 chapters.... i'm gonna die man... wish me luck...
hmm... nothing much to type... except that i don't really want to stay at home... my dad is home most of the time, and i don't really want to face and talk to him... i know i'm really bad, but i have no choice... because, i'm really afraid that i will be rude to him again, something that i don't want... yeah.... that's all... i think online activities will come to an end soon with the exams coming... and that, it will help me get over u faster... which will be easy, i guess...
that's all... nitez!
been studying in sch with yoke... haha... it's fun, as in u don't feel that alone.... i think that the guys in NTU are very hardworking... mugging like nobody's shit... and when i asked mag, she says that only happens in the acc fac... hiaz... it's very stressful, in the sense that they have their pirorities mapped out, and i'm like, going with the flow, see how each day takes me... i'm trying to feel the heat for exams, but it's not succeeding... i need to be stress, but i'm not, and my first paper is next wednesday... aargh... i'm only still at chapter 2 out of 9 chapters.... i'm gonna die man... wish me luck...
hmm... nothing much to type... except that i don't really want to stay at home... my dad is home most of the time, and i don't really want to face and talk to him... i know i'm really bad, but i have no choice... because, i'm really afraid that i will be rude to him again, something that i don't want... yeah.... that's all... i think online activities will come to an end soon with the exams coming... and that, it will help me get over u faster... which will be easy, i guess...
that's all... nitez!
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
last tutorial of the sem
there's AB114 presentation today... i know my presentation was kind of sucky.... i got a bad feeling that i would be the first person to present.... guess what? i was.... it was quite funny actually, to be the first to present, cos, i just get to sit through boring presentations... hmm, i know and didn't prepare that much, as in i didn't practise a lot... i usually would practise until it was smooth... but last night... hiaz... i came to the laptop, with the fulll purpose of practising my speech.... then, mz has to talk to me... i was like, k, i shall chat till 12... and guess what, we just continue chatting.... he was nice lar, i told him i have presentation... he says that when i need to practise, just let him know... the thing is, he's that kind who seldom comes online, so, i was caught up in chatting with him.... hiaz.... so, didn't get to practise that much, cos, mum came home, and i had to sleep....
chatted with yoke too.... but the point is.... hiaz.... i shld learn to disclipine myself more strictly... i dunno whether have u discovered this thing abt msn... it's when u set to busy mode, whoever that comes online will be made unknown to u... yeah, i log off b4 him, at abt 11 plus... to do my speech.... and i wasn't expecting him to be online when i came on... but thing is, he did came online while i was chatting with mz.... the thing abt chatting with mz is, he makes me forget abt my problems, too much crappy stuff lar.... so, i wasn't even aware that he came online...
when he asked me that i'm still bz, i got a shock... well, it's like after i have settled the part, that i wld not think abt this issue anymore.... i wasn't expecting anything, much less chatting with him.... but then, yeah, he came and chatted with me.... i was quite happy, in the sense that he did noticed that i was online b4.... well, then, i was telling yoke that i really dunno abt this whole thing... she was like, why u guys chat abt such personal stuff.... i'm like, i really dunno... it's really hard for me to read this whole issue.... i dunno what to feel towards him....
it's like, i have this fear of having one-sided affairs... thus, generally, when i have good feelings towards this person, i will tend to try to guage the other party, before, i confirm to continue... follow me? now, when i see him, for eg, this morning, it's like i feel nothing.... i dunno whether it's because sub-consciously, i'm trying to see him as a normal fren, but then, when i'm alone, it's a different matter.... what does this ambiguity shows? i'm really confused... perhaps, u may just think that let God decide, or fate permits, the thing is, i'm not looking for any answers right now.... i don't even need a confirmation from u.... but frens, it's really kind of hard to think that way, when u come to say bye to me, before u slp? and tell me abt personal feelings..... at least, u make a point to... how do u want me to think?
this is really sucky, before exams, to have this issue looming.... perhaps, i should not think so much abt it... and that, if i dun come online, all this will not appear, all the confusion and misreadings.... but i can't help but think, perhaps, it's just meant to be? hiaz... whateva for now....
and u have to behind me while queuing for the bus... dotz....
hiaz... i haven decide whether to maple or not... perhaps, i shall for a while.... and will mug for IT quiz later... giving tuition when there's a quiz the next day is not really nice, but they are having exams...
yeah, and got an A for the OB report... nothing much felt towards it, just that, cos, i didn't put much input into it.... not that i dun wanna to, the whole grp has condemned me... asked another fren in another grp, it's the same case to... perhaps, or really, they are the ones with the problem... i mean, they didn't even confer with me to give everyone full marks for sharing, and u guys keep me out of stuff, and u expect me to read ur minds, when u dun even wanna integrate me in grp stuff... i admit, i didn't try to act chumy with the grp, while, it's not me, and u guys are already a tight-fit.... but the thing is, if u have decided abt stuff... dun wanna let me know, and give me attitude now... if, there's not my grp, i wld have enjoy lessons... and i didn't do my OB tutorial today, so kind of sad that i can't contribute in class... hiaz.... sry, mrs ching.... i dun really know how they feel, just that, whatever, i have accepted this... and just take it...
the thing is, i don't really think the problem lies with me, just that, if i can perform alright in my IT grp, whose dynamics is OK, for OB grp, what's the problem then? hiaz... whatever lar...
mugging for IT... hiaz, dunno whether shld come online or not....
chatted with yoke too.... but the point is.... hiaz.... i shld learn to disclipine myself more strictly... i dunno whether have u discovered this thing abt msn... it's when u set to busy mode, whoever that comes online will be made unknown to u... yeah, i log off b4 him, at abt 11 plus... to do my speech.... and i wasn't expecting him to be online when i came on... but thing is, he did came online while i was chatting with mz.... the thing abt chatting with mz is, he makes me forget abt my problems, too much crappy stuff lar.... so, i wasn't even aware that he came online...
when he asked me that i'm still bz, i got a shock... well, it's like after i have settled the part, that i wld not think abt this issue anymore.... i wasn't expecting anything, much less chatting with him.... but then, yeah, he came and chatted with me.... i was quite happy, in the sense that he did noticed that i was online b4.... well, then, i was telling yoke that i really dunno abt this whole thing... she was like, why u guys chat abt such personal stuff.... i'm like, i really dunno... it's really hard for me to read this whole issue.... i dunno what to feel towards him....
it's like, i have this fear of having one-sided affairs... thus, generally, when i have good feelings towards this person, i will tend to try to guage the other party, before, i confirm to continue... follow me? now, when i see him, for eg, this morning, it's like i feel nothing.... i dunno whether it's because sub-consciously, i'm trying to see him as a normal fren, but then, when i'm alone, it's a different matter.... what does this ambiguity shows? i'm really confused... perhaps, u may just think that let God decide, or fate permits, the thing is, i'm not looking for any answers right now.... i don't even need a confirmation from u.... but frens, it's really kind of hard to think that way, when u come to say bye to me, before u slp? and tell me abt personal feelings..... at least, u make a point to... how do u want me to think?
this is really sucky, before exams, to have this issue looming.... perhaps, i should not think so much abt it... and that, if i dun come online, all this will not appear, all the confusion and misreadings.... but i can't help but think, perhaps, it's just meant to be? hiaz... whateva for now....
and u have to behind me while queuing for the bus... dotz....
hiaz... i haven decide whether to maple or not... perhaps, i shall for a while.... and will mug for IT quiz later... giving tuition when there's a quiz the next day is not really nice, but they are having exams...
yeah, and got an A for the OB report... nothing much felt towards it, just that, cos, i didn't put much input into it.... not that i dun wanna to, the whole grp has condemned me... asked another fren in another grp, it's the same case to... perhaps, or really, they are the ones with the problem... i mean, they didn't even confer with me to give everyone full marks for sharing, and u guys keep me out of stuff, and u expect me to read ur minds, when u dun even wanna integrate me in grp stuff... i admit, i didn't try to act chumy with the grp, while, it's not me, and u guys are already a tight-fit.... but the thing is, if u have decided abt stuff... dun wanna let me know, and give me attitude now... if, there's not my grp, i wld have enjoy lessons... and i didn't do my OB tutorial today, so kind of sad that i can't contribute in class... hiaz.... sry, mrs ching.... i dun really know how they feel, just that, whatever, i have accepted this... and just take it...
the thing is, i don't really think the problem lies with me, just that, if i can perform alright in my IT grp, whose dynamics is OK, for OB grp, what's the problem then? hiaz... whatever lar...
mugging for IT... hiaz, dunno whether shld come online or not....
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
suddenly cleared
WHAT'S THE POINT IN LIKING SOMEONE WHOM U THINK LIKES U WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE U?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN TRYING TO KNOW ME WHEN U DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN GETTING TO KNOW U?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN BEING NICE TO SOMEONE WHO SHOWS U ATTITUDE?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN BEING MYSELF WHEN NOBODY CARES?
i'm deluding myself in many things...
hencefroth, i shall love only myself...
hiaz, got back my biz law le... i didn't set a high expectation for myself... thus, when i got back, i was like ok.... but then, others got very high... i wasn't very affected by it, just that why they can do it and i can't? hiaz... i feel very down, am i stupid or anything? its kind of demoralising when u get that kind of shit marks.... and that, ntu is super results-oriented... or perhaps, it's just the acc fac... wtf lar... come on, there's life after studies... everyone is going on like, if u dun get A, it's a freaking sin....
and i hate it when i'm making an effort to be nice to people, they don't appreciate it... come on, how much patience do u think i have? aargh.... i tried, k, i tried... it's just that, sometimes, when u r tired of trying, u just let it be.... is that the right way? i hope not... i will keep on trying.... but i can't do it alone...
went to eat lots and lots of food today... bought a charm bracelet too!! i'm really broke now!! then i went mini toons, and bought lots of marshmallows!! marshy!!! great... i ate mac in the morning, and BK for dinner.... hmm.... gonna get fat!!! i dun care!!! wtf, feel so bad mood today.... the shops will definitely earn $ from my bad mood!
my dad is crazy.... he thinks that the world will think of him as a bad parent... wtf, if he can think of it that way, he must not be a good parent man... i din't say it.... then why must he think of it in the first place... come on, who expects the iron to spoil now? and that, he does everything, without any rest since he comes home, i do that too, if he's not home... wtf, i don't complain ever.... why does he have to feel as though he's doing so much for the hse.... get a life, k... whatever, i just choose not to care anymore....
was chatting with jia ying abt jh and mz... haha, she's so funny... wanna know abt me... haha.... glad that we know more abt each other.... the talk we her has really cleared my head.... i now know that the suppression i initially had towards him has won.... since he does not show anything, i guess that i had no reason to feel anything.... i hate one-sided affairs and am not getting into one at all... that's it.... we are frens and nothing more.... it's like yiming.... i can close my heart tt easily... believe it or not..... it's too late le.... i will mourn for u once and that's it.... go and get a life....
hiaz, i need to do my speech and study for my IT quiz... wish me luck!!
WHAT'S THE POINT IN TRYING TO KNOW ME WHEN U DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN GETTING TO KNOW U?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN BEING NICE TO SOMEONE WHO SHOWS U ATTITUDE?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN BEING MYSELF WHEN NOBODY CARES?
i'm deluding myself in many things...
hencefroth, i shall love only myself...
hiaz, got back my biz law le... i didn't set a high expectation for myself... thus, when i got back, i was like ok.... but then, others got very high... i wasn't very affected by it, just that why they can do it and i can't? hiaz... i feel very down, am i stupid or anything? its kind of demoralising when u get that kind of shit marks.... and that, ntu is super results-oriented... or perhaps, it's just the acc fac... wtf lar... come on, there's life after studies... everyone is going on like, if u dun get A, it's a freaking sin....
and i hate it when i'm making an effort to be nice to people, they don't appreciate it... come on, how much patience do u think i have? aargh.... i tried, k, i tried... it's just that, sometimes, when u r tired of trying, u just let it be.... is that the right way? i hope not... i will keep on trying.... but i can't do it alone...
went to eat lots and lots of food today... bought a charm bracelet too!! i'm really broke now!! then i went mini toons, and bought lots of marshmallows!! marshy!!! great... i ate mac in the morning, and BK for dinner.... hmm.... gonna get fat!!! i dun care!!! wtf, feel so bad mood today.... the shops will definitely earn $ from my bad mood!
my dad is crazy.... he thinks that the world will think of him as a bad parent... wtf, if he can think of it that way, he must not be a good parent man... i din't say it.... then why must he think of it in the first place... come on, who expects the iron to spoil now? and that, he does everything, without any rest since he comes home, i do that too, if he's not home... wtf, i don't complain ever.... why does he have to feel as though he's doing so much for the hse.... get a life, k... whatever, i just choose not to care anymore....
was chatting with jia ying abt jh and mz... haha, she's so funny... wanna know abt me... haha.... glad that we know more abt each other.... the talk we her has really cleared my head.... i now know that the suppression i initially had towards him has won.... since he does not show anything, i guess that i had no reason to feel anything.... i hate one-sided affairs and am not getting into one at all... that's it.... we are frens and nothing more.... it's like yiming.... i can close my heart tt easily... believe it or not..... it's too late le.... i will mourn for u once and that's it.... go and get a life....
hiaz, i need to do my speech and study for my IT quiz... wish me luck!!
Monday, October 24, 2005
monday blues as always
hmm.... doing nothing much today... after this PQ, i'm gonna mug for IT le... it's a case of hearing too much and starting to panic.... hmm.... i guess, i really do sux, in the sense that i shld be studying.... and i will.... it's just the thought of starting that is so!! but i will.... and i have to... otherwise, i will face a fate worse than death...
hiaz... i understand that my pirority is studying, and that i should be very concerned for my grades... but in my point of view, it's not a pirority, as in when there are exams, i will definitely study for it... hiaz... i better do well for IT.... it'll be a motivation and a much-needed booster....
sianz....
hiaz... i understand that my pirority is studying, and that i should be very concerned for my grades... but in my point of view, it's not a pirority, as in when there are exams, i will definitely study for it... hiaz... i better do well for IT.... it'll be a motivation and a much-needed booster....
sianz....
decreasing
haha, think he's trying to find an excuse to talk to me? lolx... yoke certainly thinks so... hiaz.... see lar.... i guess, fate will decide, and God will say yes if its yes....
and i gave derek my number... dotz....
met someone from maple....
nice day i have....
and i gave derek my number... dotz....
met someone from maple....
nice day i have....
Sunday, October 23, 2005
a boring sunday...
it's another boring sunday afternoon... with nothing to do, just impending stuffs to mug for... and the thing is, i've just done my econs tutorial, hiaz.... sianz arh.... no mood to study, but i have the motivation... weird? yeah, definitely....
thanks jh for teaching me biz law... still quite blur on some parts..... yoke understands! i'll ask her next time.... hope she doesn't run away from me.... haha... and yoke dear, u can really crap online... the things u can come up with!! haha... take care...
my parents are on a weird streak, scolding and scolding... heck care.... just that, my mom has scolded my younger sis, and the thing is, asking me to tell her stuff is not my style... i don't like to waste energy on this kind of arguments/fights/quarrels... and she gets angry over things which started with the parents... it's frustrating, cos they don't listen to u at all? what the hell, it's difficult to survive in sch and working... and i have to cope with this.... who do they think i am? a siant? crazy...
and my mom has come up with this plan to switch off the internet at 1130... yeah, i understand her need to save electricity.... but it's getting out of hand, harping on the fan, lights and everything... yeah, my dad is retrenched.... but the thing is, not everything is abt $.... they keep saying and implying that we are their "investments", and it's kind of hard to talk to ppl who think like that.... yeah, i don't doubt they love us and all, but it sorta comes with a price? it's v sad yet when u get used to it, it does not matter that much.... it's only sometimes that when they scold out of hand, i just can't take it and tend to shut down everything...
hiaz.... sianz... gotta start studying for IT soon man....
thanks jh for teaching me biz law... still quite blur on some parts..... yoke understands! i'll ask her next time.... hope she doesn't run away from me.... haha... and yoke dear, u can really crap online... the things u can come up with!! haha... take care...
my parents are on a weird streak, scolding and scolding... heck care.... just that, my mom has scolded my younger sis, and the thing is, asking me to tell her stuff is not my style... i don't like to waste energy on this kind of arguments/fights/quarrels... and she gets angry over things which started with the parents... it's frustrating, cos they don't listen to u at all? what the hell, it's difficult to survive in sch and working... and i have to cope with this.... who do they think i am? a siant? crazy...
and my mom has come up with this plan to switch off the internet at 1130... yeah, i understand her need to save electricity.... but it's getting out of hand, harping on the fan, lights and everything... yeah, my dad is retrenched.... but the thing is, not everything is abt $.... they keep saying and implying that we are their "investments", and it's kind of hard to talk to ppl who think like that.... yeah, i don't doubt they love us and all, but it sorta comes with a price? it's v sad yet when u get used to it, it does not matter that much.... it's only sometimes that when they scold out of hand, i just can't take it and tend to shut down everything...
hiaz.... sianz... gotta start studying for IT soon man....
Friday, October 21, 2005
study!!
i feel v sleepy... maybe, too much playing and not much work done... anyway, cancelled my piano lesson for one month... real glad abt it, as in one stone has been lifted from my chest.... literally... haha....
yeah, and OB project is over... i'm so glad abt it....
hiaz, sometimes, i can't help but wonder abt how life has turn out for all of us.... for me, i'm gonna try to be more proactive next sem in projects... once bitten, twice shy... whatever... since, i'm trying to be nice and it doesn't work, let's be nasty and take the initiative.... and try to better the whole project... and i wanna find ppl, who understand and i'm farmiliar with... hopefully.... so that i'm more vocal... i'm tt kind, if under pressure, i can make it.... if not, i will be content... i'm easily content... i know that... is that good or bad? i seldom question abt things too... is that good or bad? hiaz, dun really wanna know... except tt i shld try to change too ba... so many things to do...
yoke told me today during econs lec that if i'm away from my family, i cannot survive... well, that set me thinking.... i guess, the first reaction was NO... i mean, i'm not that close to my parents... then, i most prob will miss my sisters, they are the ones who u know, listen to me... most prob, through contact, i will not miss them so much.... hiaz.... yoke, i really really feel for u... and that, most of us will have to face this issue sooner or something.... so, just thought of this.... lol...
i need to study badly.... and i'm kind of getting scared now... no panic yet, but rather i thought i know abt some stuff, but actually i don't really know... this is quite freaking... hiaz... i hope that i can get to know everything! esp. PA and BIZ LAW.... help~!
chatting with hwee min online abt him.... and i guess it is affecting me much more than i care to think abt it..... haha.... most prob, i know the end result le... the weird/strange thing is, i'm not looking towards something.... as in, i don't see us together or anything... i guess, it's really not towards that.... i certainly hope so....
hiaz.... sometimes, i just wish u can see how some things are impt. to me... and that, u can understand... someday, i really hope it will occur to u tt there are actually things more impt than urself... someday....
yeah, and OB project is over... i'm so glad abt it....
hiaz, sometimes, i can't help but wonder abt how life has turn out for all of us.... for me, i'm gonna try to be more proactive next sem in projects... once bitten, twice shy... whatever... since, i'm trying to be nice and it doesn't work, let's be nasty and take the initiative.... and try to better the whole project... and i wanna find ppl, who understand and i'm farmiliar with... hopefully.... so that i'm more vocal... i'm tt kind, if under pressure, i can make it.... if not, i will be content... i'm easily content... i know that... is that good or bad? i seldom question abt things too... is that good or bad? hiaz, dun really wanna know... except tt i shld try to change too ba... so many things to do...
yoke told me today during econs lec that if i'm away from my family, i cannot survive... well, that set me thinking.... i guess, the first reaction was NO... i mean, i'm not that close to my parents... then, i most prob will miss my sisters, they are the ones who u know, listen to me... most prob, through contact, i will not miss them so much.... hiaz.... yoke, i really really feel for u... and that, most of us will have to face this issue sooner or something.... so, just thought of this.... lol...
i need to study badly.... and i'm kind of getting scared now... no panic yet, but rather i thought i know abt some stuff, but actually i don't really know... this is quite freaking... hiaz... i hope that i can get to know everything! esp. PA and BIZ LAW.... help~!
chatting with hwee min online abt him.... and i guess it is affecting me much more than i care to think abt it..... haha.... most prob, i know the end result le... the weird/strange thing is, i'm not looking towards something.... as in, i don't see us together or anything... i guess, it's really not towards that.... i certainly hope so....
hiaz.... sometimes, i just wish u can see how some things are impt. to me... and that, u can understand... someday, i really hope it will occur to u tt there are actually things more impt than urself... someday....
Thursday, October 20, 2005
thursday.... another sad day...
i'm gonna try to make it a point to blog everyday.... and that i'm in quite a bad mood, as usual, over OB project... if i don't get mad, i'm not human being.... they don't bother to inform me abt anything.... and that really sux.... fine, treat me as an outcast, i don't really care... and when that person called me up to ask for the matric no, she sounds... i mean i don't even have ur number, and i'm like, yes? she was like huh? i was like wtf, i don't even have ur number... and then she was like can i have ur.... i was like, yeah.... hiaz...
this project has taught me a real good lesson.... don't trust ppl at all.... and that, when u make the slightest mistake, u r dead... hiaz... whatever, it's just a phase of life that i just have to get used to it... i have accpeted it now... if they really think i contribute nothing to the report, please, i hope u have a conscious.... o/w, don't even live in this world... and u, whom i thought u will understand, has actually just proven how u r like a person.... follow the crowd... so be it, take it that i have always been right..... that u r really who u r.... a person, who is just so superficial....
aargh! i don't really know what to feel abt it.... i'm one.... they are 5.... i'm really on the losing side... unless, u think i don't wanna do anything... i did try to contribute, but it's hard when they are ignoring u.... i choose to to comfort myself and think that they see me as a threat... to whatever? i don't know and don't care... aargh! this is bothering me, and i don't see how i can cope with it.... i have to see them one more time next week... am not looking forward to it man....
as for him, nothing to sigh, hiaz or anything.... just that i know right from the start that i see him as a friend, and that chatting online, esp. rubbish, is a waste of time since exams are near.... and playing game is a waste of time... too... exams, i rather not be reminded of it... aargh. nothing constructive studied yet...
honesty is the best policy..... i find it hard to exercise that when ppl don't seem to believe u... they look at me with this look, and i'm wondering, am i the lying sort? i don't even lie that i stay up late to study... and u r actually, questioning that i haven started actual studying... what is the world coming to? whatever... and that, sometimes, i'm too tired to be nice....
my mom is scolding my younger sis... hiaz... i rather not be drawn into this web.... so i say nothing most of the time.... what i really feel is that my parents have not taught my younger sis most of the things.... and they expect her to perform to a certain standard... that's really harsh on her... and they scold her, when it all started with them? it's really sucky how life turns out.... for us.... hiaz, whatever, and some ppl tend to think that they are the only ones with the problems...
i was having much fun mapling just now... hiaz... back to reality, gonna do my biz law soon.... sianz... really in the mood to musg le... jia you everyone!
this project has taught me a real good lesson.... don't trust ppl at all.... and that, when u make the slightest mistake, u r dead... hiaz... whatever, it's just a phase of life that i just have to get used to it... i have accpeted it now... if they really think i contribute nothing to the report, please, i hope u have a conscious.... o/w, don't even live in this world... and u, whom i thought u will understand, has actually just proven how u r like a person.... follow the crowd... so be it, take it that i have always been right..... that u r really who u r.... a person, who is just so superficial....
aargh! i don't really know what to feel abt it.... i'm one.... they are 5.... i'm really on the losing side... unless, u think i don't wanna do anything... i did try to contribute, but it's hard when they are ignoring u.... i choose to to comfort myself and think that they see me as a threat... to whatever? i don't know and don't care... aargh! this is bothering me, and i don't see how i can cope with it.... i have to see them one more time next week... am not looking forward to it man....
as for him, nothing to sigh, hiaz or anything.... just that i know right from the start that i see him as a friend, and that chatting online, esp. rubbish, is a waste of time since exams are near.... and playing game is a waste of time... too... exams, i rather not be reminded of it... aargh. nothing constructive studied yet...
honesty is the best policy..... i find it hard to exercise that when ppl don't seem to believe u... they look at me with this look, and i'm wondering, am i the lying sort? i don't even lie that i stay up late to study... and u r actually, questioning that i haven started actual studying... what is the world coming to? whatever... and that, sometimes, i'm too tired to be nice....
my mom is scolding my younger sis... hiaz... i rather not be drawn into this web.... so i say nothing most of the time.... what i really feel is that my parents have not taught my younger sis most of the things.... and they expect her to perform to a certain standard... that's really harsh on her... and they scold her, when it all started with them? it's really sucky how life turns out.... for us.... hiaz, whatever, and some ppl tend to think that they are the only ones with the problems...
i was having much fun mapling just now... hiaz... back to reality, gonna do my biz law soon.... sianz... really in the mood to musg le... jia you everyone!
i love u
sometimes, i don't really know what to say.... i can guess what u r feeling, correction, i know what u r feeling, and it's real bad if i'm gonna say it out here.... so i'm not gonna to... just that, u think u r the only one affected, u r wrong.... sometimes, when i don't say things to u, or just don't reply, i'm not ignoring u, but i'm rather focused on my task... and that when u wanna talk to me, it's not explicit, so, i don't even know are we having a lengthy conversation or just exchanging monosyllabics.... i don't feel that i'm rude and there's no grds for u for saying tt... we are both wrong, as in i did not reply u and tt u don't make it clear tt u are talking to me...
and when i don't have substantiable information for u, it means tt i have really forgotten what i wanted to say.... some things, i don't remember, because it's just not impt to me, and i don't feel that u can fault me for that.... it's wrong expectation on ur part that u expect me to remember everything..... and when i don't, u flare up at me, and how do u expect me to react to it? yeah, i may seem indifferent, perhaps i am to some degree, but can't u see that i don't wanna fight?
u accuse me of not taking any sides, and sometimes, can't u see that it's more difficult for me.... i'm not saying tt i see it as a chore, but rather it's something tt is unavoidable.... i can accpet it, and that, perhaps, u should sometimes, think of me, sometimes, no matter how little times? i have to choose to not make a stand.... and when i do, i tend to keep it to myself, i don't want to aggravate the situation.... can u understand that? perhaps, it's not impt to u abt the situation, but it's impt. to me, try to understand tt....
we are different individuals, and that i know... we put pirorities into different things... so, perhaps, some things are more impt to u and some more to me.... and those tt are impt to u, u expect me to be and help u with, tt is not wrong, because i expect it too.... but the thing is, i hope u understand tt when i don't go out with u, and sometimes, i go out with my frens, it's not tt i dont wanna, but tt i need to spend time with my frens too? i don't think u see me complaining abt tt?
and tt, when i do complain abt frens, it's perhaps, i tot u can understand my frustration sometimes... each relatiomship has its ups and downs... no matter what, they are my frens, and i have a certain degree and responsibility to maintain the friendship... and cos, i tot u r there to listen, i do just complain.... tt's why, sometimes, it's hard for me to discern what u actually want to hear or not.... can u understand this on my part? i don't know whether u have noticed? i only talk abt some stuff with u? not that i want to avoid some topics, but u dun wanna talk abt it.... can u see tt i'm trying to understand u too?
i love u...... no question abt tt.... but i guess, u have to open ur heart more.... be acceptive of others faults.... and perhaps the same arguments can be used on me... but rather, i guess u shld know what kind of person i'm like.... please, i don't wanna fight anymore.... and that, using material stuff is not gonna work.... pls understand tt, i do love u....
and when i don't have substantiable information for u, it means tt i have really forgotten what i wanted to say.... some things, i don't remember, because it's just not impt to me, and i don't feel that u can fault me for that.... it's wrong expectation on ur part that u expect me to remember everything..... and when i don't, u flare up at me, and how do u expect me to react to it? yeah, i may seem indifferent, perhaps i am to some degree, but can't u see that i don't wanna fight?
u accuse me of not taking any sides, and sometimes, can't u see that it's more difficult for me.... i'm not saying tt i see it as a chore, but rather it's something tt is unavoidable.... i can accpet it, and that, perhaps, u should sometimes, think of me, sometimes, no matter how little times? i have to choose to not make a stand.... and when i do, i tend to keep it to myself, i don't want to aggravate the situation.... can u understand that? perhaps, it's not impt to u abt the situation, but it's impt. to me, try to understand tt....
we are different individuals, and that i know... we put pirorities into different things... so, perhaps, some things are more impt to u and some more to me.... and those tt are impt to u, u expect me to be and help u with, tt is not wrong, because i expect it too.... but the thing is, i hope u understand tt when i don't go out with u, and sometimes, i go out with my frens, it's not tt i dont wanna, but tt i need to spend time with my frens too? i don't think u see me complaining abt tt?
and tt, when i do complain abt frens, it's perhaps, i tot u can understand my frustration sometimes... each relatiomship has its ups and downs... no matter what, they are my frens, and i have a certain degree and responsibility to maintain the friendship... and cos, i tot u r there to listen, i do just complain.... tt's why, sometimes, it's hard for me to discern what u actually want to hear or not.... can u understand this on my part? i don't know whether u have noticed? i only talk abt some stuff with u? not that i want to avoid some topics, but u dun wanna talk abt it.... can u see tt i'm trying to understand u too?
i love u...... no question abt tt.... but i guess, u have to open ur heart more.... be acceptive of others faults.... and perhaps the same arguments can be used on me... but rather, i guess u shld know what kind of person i'm like.... please, i don't wanna fight anymore.... and that, using material stuff is not gonna work.... pls understand tt, i do love u....
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
fuck
actually, i have a strong urge to type my msn nick as fuck it, alright, just fuck it.... after some contemplation, i've decided against it.... it's not really me, and that i don't see a need to proclaim to my whole fucking OB grp that i hate them, nah, perhaps, i really think too much.... however, i should trust a woman's instinct.... tt perhaps, i'm not wrong at all... fuck it...
it's not my fucking fault that i have an econs test on tuesday... and that u guys decide to meet on monday... it's not my fucking fault that the other time, i wanna meet. u have accounting test.... it's not my fucking fault that the whole report is almost done.... and that i did nothing to contribute to it except that for my fault.... it's not my fucking fault that u guys disagree with my points, when u guys are the one who did the whole presentation using those points.... it's not my fucking fault that u guys decide to change my whole sentence structure... let's be fair, i may have a problem with the stupid language and how i write, but that doesn't mean it gives u guys the reason to ignore me whenever i make any fucking suggestions... fine, u can ignore me, and that i don't seem to have make a point..... fine, whatever.... and gera, i'm v disappointed in u, perhaps as much as u in me..... i really misjudge u and i regret that u r actually my fren.... because of my quietness, it gives u the fucking reason to give me attitude today.... and don't know what fucking reason, u are so bloody cold to me... whatever? hiaz.... just say that we see each other wrongly, and glad that i discover it now... and if u happen to read, sorry, i'm just in a bad mood... and perhaps, i really think too much....
hiaz, i'm really down, becuase of the competency assessment part, where, i feel that if they give me sucky results, i'm really fine with it.... whatever
hiaz.... it's really bad... energy deflated le... i feel much better...
hiaz... family problems really sux man.... say next time....
it's not my fucking fault that i have an econs test on tuesday... and that u guys decide to meet on monday... it's not my fucking fault that the other time, i wanna meet. u have accounting test.... it's not my fucking fault that the whole report is almost done.... and that i did nothing to contribute to it except that for my fault.... it's not my fucking fault that u guys disagree with my points, when u guys are the one who did the whole presentation using those points.... it's not my fucking fault that u guys decide to change my whole sentence structure... let's be fair, i may have a problem with the stupid language and how i write, but that doesn't mean it gives u guys the reason to ignore me whenever i make any fucking suggestions... fine, u can ignore me, and that i don't seem to have make a point..... fine, whatever.... and gera, i'm v disappointed in u, perhaps as much as u in me..... i really misjudge u and i regret that u r actually my fren.... because of my quietness, it gives u the fucking reason to give me attitude today.... and don't know what fucking reason, u are so bloody cold to me... whatever? hiaz.... just say that we see each other wrongly, and glad that i discover it now... and if u happen to read, sorry, i'm just in a bad mood... and perhaps, i really think too much....
hiaz, i'm really down, becuase of the competency assessment part, where, i feel that if they give me sucky results, i'm really fine with it.... whatever
hiaz.... it's really bad... energy deflated le... i feel much better...
hiaz... family problems really sux man.... say next time....
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
not a bad day at all...
just had an hr plus chat with peishan! and i'm feeling real happy right now! crap abt the usual stuff, and more imptly, talk abt what else? guys... haha... it's been great talking to her... miss her so much..... hope that everything will turn out fine for us...
stay back after school today, cos, i dun feel like going home... hiaz.... just don't.... we chatted abit.... and hope she got over her -4%.... haha.... it's always v comfortable and soothing to chat with her.... for the -4% in question, it's actually the econs quiz on macro today... hmm... i got 8/10.... which i thought was not bad.... by the looks of the class, most got full marks... duh? nevertheless, even though i made a stupid mistake, i'm not regretful of my marks, cos, i mean what's the use of fretting over? some ppl actually are v concerned abt their results, in my opinion, it's alright, ppl view different things with different perspective.... and that, when he ask me how was it? i was like, i got 8... and guess what? he asked me did i study? i was like, what's the relation? he puts much emphasis on his studies... which is like... hmm... ok.... i guess.... and i just checked out the results online... the class average is 88.7%, and i'm like once again, below average.... and now, i'm speaking the truth, don't ask me why, i'm not feeling tt depressed... though, a little down....
he walked with me through corridor... k, there was no one else.... yeah, so, we sorta fell at the back.... i guess tt no one noticed, and i was trying not to let anyone notice... that's good... he asked me what time did i sleep? i was quite touched, in the sense that he cared? i mean, perhaps, i'm reading too much into it..... the thing is, i don't really feel alot, but feel something different whenever i see him.... with him, it's never a case of me thinking too much, but rather, i feel, it's mutual, in the sense tt, i can treat him as a fren, yet see him in another light... do u still follow me? haha.... and pei shan has already analysed it for me... she said tt all chinese high guys are ego in some way... we he doesn't enquire after me... and that, i was very touched, not touched, how do u say, comforted in some way, when he took the initiative to tell me abt the interesting stuff tt has happened to him... haha.... quite nice..... and that, after the corridor walk, i sorta went to talk to others.... dun know what's wrong, perhaps, trying to see tt nothing is wrong, and tt online, and w/o others, i find it easier to talk to him.... haha, i really dunno how to read that....
had a chat with my aunt whose waiting to go for dinner with her family... it was nice, as i can really say what i want w/o any thought of what i will feel, as in i feel stupid sometimes, in sch... it was nice....
i had to lie to u sometimes, as in not in the lie, but the act of lying.... i don't have a choice.... hope u understand....
hmm..... had a nice biz law sessio today.... got into this grp with this sec sch mate of mine... we went to the same jc and u... but we never talked until today... it was quite interesting... and we had a nice time discussing biz law tutorial... wish that i had talked to her more, cos, it's really nice to have someone as blur as me... haha.... it's kind of a pity tt we get to know each other only at the last biz law grp discussion.... hopefully, we still say hi to each other in sch...
he's online now.... shall i talk to him...? nah, don't think he will approach me... we shall se ba....
stay back after school today, cos, i dun feel like going home... hiaz.... just don't.... we chatted abit.... and hope she got over her -4%.... haha.... it's always v comfortable and soothing to chat with her.... for the -4% in question, it's actually the econs quiz on macro today... hmm... i got 8/10.... which i thought was not bad.... by the looks of the class, most got full marks... duh? nevertheless, even though i made a stupid mistake, i'm not regretful of my marks, cos, i mean what's the use of fretting over? some ppl actually are v concerned abt their results, in my opinion, it's alright, ppl view different things with different perspective.... and that, when he ask me how was it? i was like, i got 8... and guess what? he asked me did i study? i was like, what's the relation? he puts much emphasis on his studies... which is like... hmm... ok.... i guess.... and i just checked out the results online... the class average is 88.7%, and i'm like once again, below average.... and now, i'm speaking the truth, don't ask me why, i'm not feeling tt depressed... though, a little down....
he walked with me through corridor... k, there was no one else.... yeah, so, we sorta fell at the back.... i guess tt no one noticed, and i was trying not to let anyone notice... that's good... he asked me what time did i sleep? i was quite touched, in the sense that he cared? i mean, perhaps, i'm reading too much into it..... the thing is, i don't really feel alot, but feel something different whenever i see him.... with him, it's never a case of me thinking too much, but rather, i feel, it's mutual, in the sense tt, i can treat him as a fren, yet see him in another light... do u still follow me? haha.... and pei shan has already analysed it for me... she said tt all chinese high guys are ego in some way... we he doesn't enquire after me... and that, i was very touched, not touched, how do u say, comforted in some way, when he took the initiative to tell me abt the interesting stuff tt has happened to him... haha.... quite nice..... and that, after the corridor walk, i sorta went to talk to others.... dun know what's wrong, perhaps, trying to see tt nothing is wrong, and tt online, and w/o others, i find it easier to talk to him.... haha, i really dunno how to read that....
had a chat with my aunt whose waiting to go for dinner with her family... it was nice, as i can really say what i want w/o any thought of what i will feel, as in i feel stupid sometimes, in sch... it was nice....
i had to lie to u sometimes, as in not in the lie, but the act of lying.... i don't have a choice.... hope u understand....
hmm..... had a nice biz law sessio today.... got into this grp with this sec sch mate of mine... we went to the same jc and u... but we never talked until today... it was quite interesting... and we had a nice time discussing biz law tutorial... wish that i had talked to her more, cos, it's really nice to have someone as blur as me... haha.... it's kind of a pity tt we get to know each other only at the last biz law grp discussion.... hopefully, we still say hi to each other in sch...
he's online now.... shall i talk to him...? nah, don't think he will approach me... we shall se ba....
Monday, October 17, 2005
maple is my downfall
i am currently chatting with yoke online abt biz law... haha, sometimes, i feel that i think too little, and that i need to think more.... but the thoughts, just don't come? nah, hope it's ok, with the amount of knowledge and things i need to be sure of currently... hmm.... nice to chat with yoke, gave me this link to find out what kind of friend i am.... apparently, we are the same, pushover... the kind that will do anything for frens.... but then, seldom expect anything in return... haha....
just downlaod maple... haha, think it can be my downfall... cos rite, sux lar... i was going to lvl up real soon, can't help it lar... and the thing is, i was actually looking forward to chatting with u... and hiaz... lidat lar.... maple, then can't know who chat with me... i know, despite what i say, sometimes, i'm lying through my heart... i know when i say things have been clarified.... i mean it... i can feel that i can look u in the eye and see frenship... i can, and really, the thing is.... i am thinking of u... sux rite.... hiaz.... i'll just have to do something abt it.... and i was waiting to see if u come online... and u have to approach me... aargh... i deserve it.... now, i'm alone online.... gonna sleep soon....
hmm.... we chatted from 1230 till 3 am... yeah, i timed it.... lol... tot that i can finish the conversation by 1 am.... but alas, it dragged on... the thing is, he's kind of ego, or rather, i dunno... chatting abt himself most of the time, without asking much abt me... telling me abt his goals and plans... which is kind of weird.... know him better, and glad that i got the chance lar.... hiaz... yeah, frenship.... yar, i got that, and am feeling that..... kind of nice guy to crap with..... hiaz.... warbled thoughts...
gonna study for econs tmr... no mapling! yeah, will definitely blog.... so long, tmr... why the heck he has to come online so late? haha.....
bb.... zzzzzzzzz..........
just downlaod maple... haha, think it can be my downfall... cos rite, sux lar... i was going to lvl up real soon, can't help it lar... and the thing is, i was actually looking forward to chatting with u... and hiaz... lidat lar.... maple, then can't know who chat with me... i know, despite what i say, sometimes, i'm lying through my heart... i know when i say things have been clarified.... i mean it... i can feel that i can look u in the eye and see frenship... i can, and really, the thing is.... i am thinking of u... sux rite.... hiaz.... i'll just have to do something abt it.... and i was waiting to see if u come online... and u have to approach me... aargh... i deserve it.... now, i'm alone online.... gonna sleep soon....
hmm.... we chatted from 1230 till 3 am... yeah, i timed it.... lol... tot that i can finish the conversation by 1 am.... but alas, it dragged on... the thing is, he's kind of ego, or rather, i dunno... chatting abt himself most of the time, without asking much abt me... telling me abt his goals and plans... which is kind of weird.... know him better, and glad that i got the chance lar.... hiaz... yeah, frenship.... yar, i got that, and am feeling that..... kind of nice guy to crap with..... hiaz.... warbled thoughts...
gonna study for econs tmr... no mapling! yeah, will definitely blog.... so long, tmr... why the heck he has to come online so late? haha.....
bb.... zzzzzzzzz..........
Saturday, October 15, 2005
mending bridges
yeah... i'm typing my blog and chatting with yoke at the same time... it's been a tiring day... slept on the way to the CC..... slept on the way back too.... isn't tt the behaviour of a pig? haha.... as usual, i was thinking alot, even while having lessons with my students... as u can see, i'm that easily distracted.... perhaps, i can just multi-task intelligently... crapz....
i was thinking abt my op..... and now, i really kind of regret going for it.... in terms of what i've become.... do i look better? certainly.... but is that really what i want? i've changed... alot..... and i don't even know where to start.... i used to view life with practicatility.... now, i still do, but, perhaps the emphasis is lesser..... there's much more to life besides the usual ongoings to get the success everyone craves.... i'm much harder, where, i can totally disregard ppl, but now, i can't.... and i dun even know why.... and i value friendship much more... more than anyone ever knows.... i can ignore everything... but now, i can't..... i don't really like myself like that, it just makes me feel obligated to many and almost everyone...
perhaps, this has been an intrinsic nature that just had not been explored.... i cheer ppl up.... i believe God has this nature inside me for a reason.... but then, ppl seldom know me except from the usual jokes i make.... or this quiet gal whose actually not... not that it really matters to me.... but it's really nice sometimes to be able to have someone who just know that u have a problem.... who can unconditionally give u time and everything just to listen to u, other than i listening to them... that's why, when i'm lonely, i will tend to want more.... quoting from ketih from one tree hill, who said to karen,"i don't need u to love me, i just hope one day, u have in ur heart to open it up to other guys, don't keep it to urself." i'm kind of afraid i will become like that.... the incapacity to love another.... it's happening, on and off, throughout the year.... and it's becoming stronger.... dun think it's that healthy.... and the thing is, i don't even mind at all.... except, in a moment of weakness....
talking of that, moment of weaknesses, has been happening to me quite frequently.... yeah, i ask for it, i admit.... it's been quite a feeling, to be having all these imaginations, and feelings in my head.... yeah, i'm mad.... for the recent case, i dun even know why i bother to waste time with u... thinking abt it, i'm kind of stupid.... feeling stuff that wasn't even there.... u'll be a good fren, if i allow u.... yeah, that be all.... dun even know why, why did i ever think abt those things.... when, deep down in me, i already know, we don't even have this thing going on.... yeah, stupid.... now, it's been reconciled, i feel much better, lighter.... thank God....
this is gonna be long, please stay with me.... operation, why, why, why.... it's suppose to make me look good, feel good, be more confident... i feel it has done the reserve.... perhaps, with my past look, i always feel the need to defend myself, just a natural instinct.... now, i dun even bother.... thus, becoming quieter.... it's bothering me.... and the thing is, the operation is making me look real bloated, which i hate..... aargh! i know there's something, but i can't identify with it yet, at this moment, gonna keep searching for it.... hiaz...
that shld be all.... i have a task tonight, called mending bridges... wish me luck....
marion raven - 6 feet under
Six feet under, under my skin
There's a battle I know I can't win
You invade me and I surrender
Yeah, that's what I hate about you
Six feet under, under my skin
There is where your story begins
You were wanting, I was forsaken
Yeah
You came to me with words unspoken
I can't deny it, that I knew my glass would end up broken
(and that's how you got me)
I blame myself for being stupid
But I can't help it, yet I'm eating right out of your hand
And that's what I hate about you
Six feet under, touching my soul
From the moment we met, you I stole
You embraced me, and I believed you
Yeah
You came to me with words unspoken
I can't deny it, that I knew my glass would end up broken
(and that's how you got me)
I blame myself for being stupid
But I can't help it, yet I'm eating right out of your hand
That's what I hate about you
Hey, hey.
It's not that hard, just walk away
There's gotta be a different meaning
You came to me with words unspoken
I can't deny it, that I knew my glass would end up broken
(and that's how you got me)
I blame myself for being stupid
But I can't help it, yet I'm eating right out of your hand
(and that's how you got me)
Now's the time for my confession
Cause I can't take it, that you always be and always will be
Under my skin
it's my feelings abt the latest case... hiaz... everything has to come to an end....
i was thinking abt my op..... and now, i really kind of regret going for it.... in terms of what i've become.... do i look better? certainly.... but is that really what i want? i've changed... alot..... and i don't even know where to start.... i used to view life with practicatility.... now, i still do, but, perhaps the emphasis is lesser..... there's much more to life besides the usual ongoings to get the success everyone craves.... i'm much harder, where, i can totally disregard ppl, but now, i can't.... and i dun even know why.... and i value friendship much more... more than anyone ever knows.... i can ignore everything... but now, i can't..... i don't really like myself like that, it just makes me feel obligated to many and almost everyone...
perhaps, this has been an intrinsic nature that just had not been explored.... i cheer ppl up.... i believe God has this nature inside me for a reason.... but then, ppl seldom know me except from the usual jokes i make.... or this quiet gal whose actually not... not that it really matters to me.... but it's really nice sometimes to be able to have someone who just know that u have a problem.... who can unconditionally give u time and everything just to listen to u, other than i listening to them... that's why, when i'm lonely, i will tend to want more.... quoting from ketih from one tree hill, who said to karen,"i don't need u to love me, i just hope one day, u have in ur heart to open it up to other guys, don't keep it to urself." i'm kind of afraid i will become like that.... the incapacity to love another.... it's happening, on and off, throughout the year.... and it's becoming stronger.... dun think it's that healthy.... and the thing is, i don't even mind at all.... except, in a moment of weakness....
talking of that, moment of weaknesses, has been happening to me quite frequently.... yeah, i ask for it, i admit.... it's been quite a feeling, to be having all these imaginations, and feelings in my head.... yeah, i'm mad.... for the recent case, i dun even know why i bother to waste time with u... thinking abt it, i'm kind of stupid.... feeling stuff that wasn't even there.... u'll be a good fren, if i allow u.... yeah, that be all.... dun even know why, why did i ever think abt those things.... when, deep down in me, i already know, we don't even have this thing going on.... yeah, stupid.... now, it's been reconciled, i feel much better, lighter.... thank God....
this is gonna be long, please stay with me.... operation, why, why, why.... it's suppose to make me look good, feel good, be more confident... i feel it has done the reserve.... perhaps, with my past look, i always feel the need to defend myself, just a natural instinct.... now, i dun even bother.... thus, becoming quieter.... it's bothering me.... and the thing is, the operation is making me look real bloated, which i hate..... aargh! i know there's something, but i can't identify with it yet, at this moment, gonna keep searching for it.... hiaz...
that shld be all.... i have a task tonight, called mending bridges... wish me luck....
marion raven - 6 feet under
Six feet under, under my skin
There's a battle I know I can't win
You invade me and I surrender
Yeah, that's what I hate about you
Six feet under, under my skin
There is where your story begins
You were wanting, I was forsaken
Yeah
You came to me with words unspoken
I can't deny it, that I knew my glass would end up broken
(and that's how you got me)
I blame myself for being stupid
But I can't help it, yet I'm eating right out of your hand
And that's what I hate about you
Six feet under, touching my soul
From the moment we met, you I stole
You embraced me, and I believed you
Yeah
You came to me with words unspoken
I can't deny it, that I knew my glass would end up broken
(and that's how you got me)
I blame myself for being stupid
But I can't help it, yet I'm eating right out of your hand
That's what I hate about you
Hey, hey.
It's not that hard, just walk away
There's gotta be a different meaning
You came to me with words unspoken
I can't deny it, that I knew my glass would end up broken
(and that's how you got me)
I blame myself for being stupid
But I can't help it, yet I'm eating right out of your hand
(and that's how you got me)
Now's the time for my confession
Cause I can't take it, that you always be and always will be
Under my skin
it's my feelings abt the latest case... hiaz... everything has to come to an end....
a special friend.... and many loser friends...
hiaz.... suppose to carry out this great big plan of mending bridges... but the person in question is not online... whateva lar... do it another day... preferably by tmr ba.... o/w, he will think i'm crazy... yeah, that's it....
went for a skip just now... it's actually v good for the health and the mind... i can multi-task, skipping and watching tv at once.... haha....
after chatting with yoke in the afternoon, i wanted to do my econs tutorial, however, guess what, i went to sleep... been sleeping alot today... really behaving like a pig... haha... then, i went to watch bollywood movies... missed it... used to watch it last time.... then stop when sch starts, with all the shopping and tuition on weekends too... nice to spend the weekend alot, need to recharge, and time for myself is very impt...
hiaz... sometimes, u can't help my sigh... strange as it may seems, i'm not panicking for the impending exams... and that, i'm relatively calm.... dunno why too.... though, i'm quite on for studying for it... perhaps, the attitude is right? haha...
sometimes, i feel like asking u what happen to us? got a feeling that u will not mind... will it spoil things? nah, dun think so... maybe i would.... someday, if u are ever online... perhaps, i know u since sec 1, dun really have to keep a distance from u... i can be childish, really stupid, talking abt certain crappy stuff, joking... stuff like that which really relaxes me and makes me happy.... it's like in that instance, u can really make me happy.... this kind of feeling, i never have with any fren b4... i'm not blaming anyone.... perhaps, it's the different stages that i know ppl, we have to behave in a certain way.... cos that's how we met..... really glad to have u as a fren.... one who gives unconditionally... and i really mean that... hiaz.... the pity that we have to grow up... hope the friendship lasts....
OBD report, doing now... it's kind of irritating... doing reports.. sianz, but i guess it's a necessity...
yeah, family problems, what's new? communication problems, the bulk of it....
hiaz.... why why why....
i'm so lucky to have myself...
yeah, that's it....
went for a skip just now... it's actually v good for the health and the mind... i can multi-task, skipping and watching tv at once.... haha....
after chatting with yoke in the afternoon, i wanted to do my econs tutorial, however, guess what, i went to sleep... been sleeping alot today... really behaving like a pig... haha... then, i went to watch bollywood movies... missed it... used to watch it last time.... then stop when sch starts, with all the shopping and tuition on weekends too... nice to spend the weekend alot, need to recharge, and time for myself is very impt...
hiaz... sometimes, u can't help my sigh... strange as it may seems, i'm not panicking for the impending exams... and that, i'm relatively calm.... dunno why too.... though, i'm quite on for studying for it... perhaps, the attitude is right? haha...
sometimes, i feel like asking u what happen to us? got a feeling that u will not mind... will it spoil things? nah, dun think so... maybe i would.... someday, if u are ever online... perhaps, i know u since sec 1, dun really have to keep a distance from u... i can be childish, really stupid, talking abt certain crappy stuff, joking... stuff like that which really relaxes me and makes me happy.... it's like in that instance, u can really make me happy.... this kind of feeling, i never have with any fren b4... i'm not blaming anyone.... perhaps, it's the different stages that i know ppl, we have to behave in a certain way.... cos that's how we met..... really glad to have u as a fren.... one who gives unconditionally... and i really mean that... hiaz.... the pity that we have to grow up... hope the friendship lasts....
OBD report, doing now... it's kind of irritating... doing reports.. sianz, but i guess it's a necessity...
yeah, family problems, what's new? communication problems, the bulk of it....
hiaz.... why why why....
i'm so lucky to have myself...
yeah, that's it....
Friday, October 14, 2005
BE MYSELF!
i'm back again.... using my msn nick right now, skipping for 15 mins and Marion Raven is the perfect rememdy for the thoughts that are stuck in my head for the whole day.... i'm feeling much much better..... i can take real comfort in the fact that i am sane enough to know what i am doing/thinking.... essentially, the whole thing..... i'm grateful for that.....
hiaz.... my sisters are fighting.... as usual, i'm caught in the middle.... it's kind of tiring and irritating, to be the middle man.... they ask me to pass msgs... sorta, or rather, telling stuff.... and they are not v nice to me when i stick up for the other.... hiaz, what do they want me to do? i can't totally eliminate the other half... and the thing is i'm very tired these days.... so many stuff to think abt.... and when i have to face this, i don't really feel like it... hiaz....
my family has a lot of problems.... and my parents.... they don't really understand me.... i mean, which parents does? hiaz... i ignore them usually.... most prob, nobody really understands me much.... haha, bitter laughter... that's really ok, been like that most of the time..... just that, when i have lots of stuff to think abt, it can get really overwhelming....
cried a little today.... thinking abt all the stuff.... hiaz.... most of them, i didn't ask for it, well, let me rephrase... i tend to think more.... and yeah, *sensitive*... so really.... this whole issue.... i feel really stupid.... yeah, and avoiding u, is really helpful.... nah, i'm alright now, back to being myself... and to the surroundings....
actually, i can type pretty fast.... haha, but talking to my friend... can u see the shift in my mood? haha, he always has a knack of talking crap tt lifts me out of my gloom... haha....
quite perky now.... yay! forget abt everything le! haha.... shall BE MYSELF!
hiaz.... my sisters are fighting.... as usual, i'm caught in the middle.... it's kind of tiring and irritating, to be the middle man.... they ask me to pass msgs... sorta, or rather, telling stuff.... and they are not v nice to me when i stick up for the other.... hiaz, what do they want me to do? i can't totally eliminate the other half... and the thing is i'm very tired these days.... so many stuff to think abt.... and when i have to face this, i don't really feel like it... hiaz....
my family has a lot of problems.... and my parents.... they don't really understand me.... i mean, which parents does? hiaz... i ignore them usually.... most prob, nobody really understands me much.... haha, bitter laughter... that's really ok, been like that most of the time..... just that, when i have lots of stuff to think abt, it can get really overwhelming....
cried a little today.... thinking abt all the stuff.... hiaz.... most of them, i didn't ask for it, well, let me rephrase... i tend to think more.... and yeah, *sensitive*... so really.... this whole issue.... i feel really stupid.... yeah, and avoiding u, is really helpful.... nah, i'm alright now, back to being myself... and to the surroundings....
actually, i can type pretty fast.... haha, but talking to my friend... can u see the shift in my mood? haha, he always has a knack of talking crap tt lifts me out of my gloom... haha....
quite perky now.... yay! forget abt everything le! haha.... shall BE MYSELF!
nice day in sch
i had a nice time in school today... the bulk of it is with yoke.... u had to ask me what bus did i take to sch? perhaps, u don't know how it does to me.... i don't blame u.... but the thing is, why don't u do less of that, so that i have less reason to think of u? i sense the shift in dynamics.... perhaps u don't, and i don't really care.... the thing is, i know very well what i see in u, and perhaps that is not enough.... i don't know, and don't really wanna care abt this anymore... and ur msn nick is just irking.... enough said..... as my frens always say, fate will always bring us together.... if we are really meant to be...
had a nice day with yoke... we ate minced prok mee poh at NIE.... which was so nice with the vinegar! then, we shared a platter of fruits and cheng teng... we were so full! then, we proceed to the NIE library.... it's a nice place.... too nice, we fell asleep.... i fell asleep twice... haha.... but then, manage to understand stuff about biz law.... read the stuff for biz law for lec tmr... it's helpful.... i suppose...
we went to Canteen A to eat at abt 8, study till abt 9, then went home.... it was quite nice, as in i can keep my concentration.... hope to have time to do it again, hiaz... tuition is always in the way... see lar... how it goes...
on the way home, mz msged me... -_- ask me whether maple is working or not.... and when i show my concern towards him, telling yoke and my sis abt him, they scolded me.... i don't really blame them, perhaps, i am too overtly concerned? so i shall stop it.... but, i really do treat him as a friend now.... and don't ask me who i'm trying to convince... it's true....
doing some d/ling on maple... it's so slow....
hiaz... v tired... gonna zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
had a nice day with yoke... we ate minced prok mee poh at NIE.... which was so nice with the vinegar! then, we shared a platter of fruits and cheng teng... we were so full! then, we proceed to the NIE library.... it's a nice place.... too nice, we fell asleep.... i fell asleep twice... haha.... but then, manage to understand stuff about biz law.... read the stuff for biz law for lec tmr... it's helpful.... i suppose...
we went to Canteen A to eat at abt 8, study till abt 9, then went home.... it was quite nice, as in i can keep my concentration.... hope to have time to do it again, hiaz... tuition is always in the way... see lar... how it goes...
on the way home, mz msged me... -_- ask me whether maple is working or not.... and when i show my concern towards him, telling yoke and my sis abt him, they scolded me.... i don't really blame them, perhaps, i am too overtly concerned? so i shall stop it.... but, i really do treat him as a friend now.... and don't ask me who i'm trying to convince... it's true....
doing some d/ling on maple... it's so slow....
hiaz... v tired... gonna zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
wednesday afternoon....
i have OBD presentation today.... &, luckily, i did not fumble..... forgot to mention 1 point.... i guess that's alright..... hopefully, the grp members don't take it personally against me.... haha....
when to jean yip for a hair cut.... perhaps, they are rather aggressive.... trying to get u to do this and tt.... and the thing is, i was dressed rather formally, hence, it's not really helping... think i'm rich? crazy.... my hair is rather short now... haha.... need some time to get used to it....
hiaz.... don't really know how to describe what i feel... just that i did not put much expectations into it, hence, i do not feel that disappointed.... yeah, it's better this way... much better....
when to jean yip for a hair cut.... perhaps, they are rather aggressive.... trying to get u to do this and tt.... and the thing is, i was dressed rather formally, hence, it's not really helping... think i'm rich? crazy.... my hair is rather short now... haha.... need some time to get used to it....
hiaz.... don't really know how to describe what i feel... just that i did not put much expectations into it, hence, i do not feel that disappointed.... yeah, it's better this way... much better....
wednesday: nervous siaz....
i'm half an hr from my OBD presentation... hope everything goes on fine.... after the last time, i'm quite skeptical abt how i'm gonna present today.... rehearse many times le... it shld be fine...
hiaz.... actually, i'm quite glad i have this mentality in dealing with the situation... i was thinking, if i really go and try to make contact, it will be much worse... perhaps, this is better and i will continue with it.... yes, let nature takes it course for everything...
just had AB114 quiz... lol... didn't really study and i hope i'll do ok... thought it's rather ok....
gonna study with yoke tmr! yay! finally will get started on some things....
gonna go cut hair later....
hiaz.... sitting beside my mates from AB114..... diao... no comments.....
hiaz.... actually, i'm quite glad i have this mentality in dealing with the situation... i was thinking, if i really go and try to make contact, it will be much worse... perhaps, this is better and i will continue with it.... yes, let nature takes it course for everything...
just had AB114 quiz... lol... didn't really study and i hope i'll do ok... thought it's rather ok....
gonna study with yoke tmr! yay! finally will get started on some things....
gonna go cut hair later....
hiaz.... sitting beside my mates from AB114..... diao... no comments.....
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
tuesday black blues
ok, it's working... the sch's server is freaking slow... and aargh! i just had a session of biz law... i admit that i did not put in the effort and analysis into this particular tutorial.... and worse, i got the guy that i hope to avoid for biz law... hooray... they probably think i'm some kind of idiot.... i guess, i don't blame them, i don't contribute, i mean... i got the first question confused.... and i did not have enough slp last night, and my mind is kind of stuck.... how to think? and i feel guilty.... i don't even know what's wrong with me.... during discussions, i used to be able to think and just say what i have in mind, and that's with frens, i guess... or classmates, ppl whom i meet and know.... but uni is really different.... i don't often meet them, and due to the fact that i need time to open up, i find it really hard to just talk.... the teacher rotates the grp every week, and by now, most must know that i refuse to contribute.... i really resent that... tt's why for today, i really did try.... but it didn't work out... hiaz..... i really dunno... dunno the reason for this failure....
i'm feeling down now.... and it's not really helping that i have OB rehearsal later... the OB group likes to waste time, but i have to say, they are really constructive when it comes to work... i really appreciate the fact they are in my grp, and that we make a great team.... and it's that i'm quiet too? not talking much... the fact is, i don't see them often.... wtf... and i'm straightforward at the wrong time.... aargh! this is really not helping.....
yeah, been sleeping v little hrs these few days... it's really by choice and not anything... hiaz... what else, chatting... the thing is, been chatting with jun hong.... and we can chat, yar, and that.... i don't really wanna make it a permanent thing, cos, i've been feeling v weird... i don' really know how to describe the feeling, just that i don't mind chatting with him, and that we have nice chats.... yeah, think i should just take it as that.... cos, anything more.... yar, said it b4..... i'm closing my heart for now.... can't take it anymore.... and the thing is, i have to meet him on the bus today.... what a coincidence..... yeah, we didn't sit side by side, but rather, back to back... quite ok, talking to him.... aargh.... ok, some things are meant to be kept private.... haha, write in my diary tonight...
hiaz..... today's really a bad day.... i dun even know what to say or do... just hope that we rehearse real quick, cos, i wanna slp early and study for tmr's quiz... as for the presentation, i'm just gonna stay calm, and i believe i can do it.... take care everyone...
i'm feeling down now.... and it's not really helping that i have OB rehearsal later... the OB group likes to waste time, but i have to say, they are really constructive when it comes to work... i really appreciate the fact they are in my grp, and that we make a great team.... and it's that i'm quiet too? not talking much... the fact is, i don't see them often.... wtf... and i'm straightforward at the wrong time.... aargh! this is really not helping.....
yeah, been sleeping v little hrs these few days... it's really by choice and not anything... hiaz... what else, chatting... the thing is, been chatting with jun hong.... and we can chat, yar, and that.... i don't really wanna make it a permanent thing, cos, i've been feeling v weird... i don' really know how to describe the feeling, just that i don't mind chatting with him, and that we have nice chats.... yeah, think i should just take it as that.... cos, anything more.... yar, said it b4..... i'm closing my heart for now.... can't take it anymore.... and the thing is, i have to meet him on the bus today.... what a coincidence..... yeah, we didn't sit side by side, but rather, back to back... quite ok, talking to him.... aargh.... ok, some things are meant to be kept private.... haha, write in my diary tonight...
hiaz..... today's really a bad day.... i dun even know what to say or do... just hope that we rehearse real quick, cos, i wanna slp early and study for tmr's quiz... as for the presentation, i'm just gonna stay calm, and i believe i can do it.... take care everyone...
avalanche
i feel so stupid... i don't even know what they are talking about for IT project... yeah, i shld have read the notes b4 the discussion... but then, i have no time.... no excuse though... hiaz
haven finish my econs and biz law tutorial
gonna miss OB lec tmr, if i slp after 2 tonight...
and, yeah, hiaz... OB presentation coming up... feel kinda guilty for not being creative enough, not knowing how to do the slides, not thinking of solutions but contributing to the problem...
i sux...
and there's biz law tutorial tmr...
why can't the week just end right now?
haven finish my econs and biz law tutorial
gonna miss OB lec tmr, if i slp after 2 tonight...
and, yeah, hiaz... OB presentation coming up... feel kinda guilty for not being creative enough, not knowing how to do the slides, not thinking of solutions but contributing to the problem...
i sux...
and there's biz law tutorial tmr...
why can't the week just end right now?
Sunday, October 09, 2005
the dukes of hazzard
hiaz... hiaz... hiaz.... i've not finished my PA essay... serves me right, thinking i've a lot of time, when i knew i have none.... it's ok, i just wanna think that the avalanche upon me right now is only for this week.... so tired... slept for only 5 hrs everyday... still surviving... and i can... most prob, not gonna slp tonight, and that is so exciting and i'm looking forward to it.... hiaz.... have not done my econs tutorial and biz law tutorial... really good luck man to me....
the icy queen felt the cold claws snaking towards her. perhaps, it was always there, silently moving in for the kill. only, at that instant, she felt it. the claws grabbed her heart, wrapped it in a vice-like grip, forever, killing the remaining feelings she had in her capacity to love.
the sudden clarity i had yesterday night was so strong, that i felt nothing at all... perhaps, all the nights of guessing, hoping, praying, even though i know it will all come to naught, has taken a toil... i've never felt so clear before in my life.... yeah, i've gone through all the motions i had, the stupidity, yeah, and all that.. but the thing is, we owe each other nothing, and it's really better this way... yeah, it'll be more difficult for me to open up, yeah, come try if u can... i will applaud u for the effort, really... but besides that, unless one is special to me... nothing will ever come out of anything.... it's quite sad actually.... but i don't mind.... it's better this way..... the sudden moment of realisation, is just so bitter sweet.....
sometimes, i wonder, if i'm just an irritating person... u know, when ppl chat with me, i will usually initiate the topics and stuff... come on, u r chatting with me rite? yeah, and sometimes, i don't even know if the other side wants to reply but i just press on... am i being a nuisance? i don't know and don't really care.... hiaz... whatever.... just really sianz right now...
hiaz, gonna meet for OBD project tomorrw... perhaps, it's for the better, but sometimes, it's just irritating... meet and meet.... i'm very quiet during the discussions.... despite an all gals grp.... dunno, i've been retreating deeper and deeper into my shell interms of meeting ppl.... bad or good? i really dun wanna guess... however, i have this sense of feeling that i can't strike off... it has alot to do with my op... now, no time, shall talk abt it next time...
i remember! watched dukes of hazzard... the CC invited me... it's quite a dumb movie with no substance at all.... yeah, it's funny and all, but then, i can't laugh much.... strange, perhaps, the movie really suxs... haha...
hiaz... back to the PA essay which never seems to end... aargh... save me...
the icy queen felt the cold claws snaking towards her. perhaps, it was always there, silently moving in for the kill. only, at that instant, she felt it. the claws grabbed her heart, wrapped it in a vice-like grip, forever, killing the remaining feelings she had in her capacity to love.
the sudden clarity i had yesterday night was so strong, that i felt nothing at all... perhaps, all the nights of guessing, hoping, praying, even though i know it will all come to naught, has taken a toil... i've never felt so clear before in my life.... yeah, i've gone through all the motions i had, the stupidity, yeah, and all that.. but the thing is, we owe each other nothing, and it's really better this way... yeah, it'll be more difficult for me to open up, yeah, come try if u can... i will applaud u for the effort, really... but besides that, unless one is special to me... nothing will ever come out of anything.... it's quite sad actually.... but i don't mind.... it's better this way..... the sudden moment of realisation, is just so bitter sweet.....
sometimes, i wonder, if i'm just an irritating person... u know, when ppl chat with me, i will usually initiate the topics and stuff... come on, u r chatting with me rite? yeah, and sometimes, i don't even know if the other side wants to reply but i just press on... am i being a nuisance? i don't know and don't really care.... hiaz... whatever.... just really sianz right now...
hiaz, gonna meet for OBD project tomorrw... perhaps, it's for the better, but sometimes, it's just irritating... meet and meet.... i'm very quiet during the discussions.... despite an all gals grp.... dunno, i've been retreating deeper and deeper into my shell interms of meeting ppl.... bad or good? i really dun wanna guess... however, i have this sense of feeling that i can't strike off... it has alot to do with my op... now, no time, shall talk abt it next time...
i remember! watched dukes of hazzard... the CC invited me... it's quite a dumb movie with no substance at all.... yeah, it's funny and all, but then, i can't laugh much.... strange, perhaps, the movie really suxs... haha...
hiaz... back to the PA essay which never seems to end... aargh... save me...
wedding dinner
yeah... it's 12:27am sunday morning, and i'm typing my blog... have to wake up early tomorrow, cos got to go for this CC meeting.... just came back from the wedding... at oh god, i don't even know the name of the hotel... haha... it was the usual stuff... perhaps, if i'm not wrong, this couple is kinda low-key, cos the frens are also sorta quiet... i've seen better yam sengs.... and, the person getting married is my mom's cousin... the kind, i've not seen till now... haha.... and the hateful thing is, the cousins themselves like to compare.... so, one of my mom's cousin wife came over with her son, one year older than me.... saying like oh, he's in army... then they were making small talk... then suddenly, he's going nan da next year... i was like what a show-off.... then my mum was like, oh, (pointing at me), she's at nan da now... crazy.... do u have to bring ur son over? when she first appear, i was like, there's gonna be trouble... and sure enough... haha... parents these days.... mad leh.... come on, there's like thousands of ppl in uni these days.... stupid...
yeah, and i almost got drunk.... drank abt half a bottle of red wine, the most i have for any alcoholic drinks... the thing is i don't even mind... how do i know i almost got drunk? cos, i was feeling light and woozy.... almost like floating... but i was sane as in not drunk, knowing my surroundings and stuff.... if i drank 2 more cups, i will sure be talking nonsense... don't get me wrong, i've never gotten drunk in my whole life, and i don't mind trying, just for the experience... the thing is, i wanted to get drunk just now.... had this feeling that i really wanna forget all the stuff i'm experiencing right now.... and the biggest obstacle, is my dad.... i still can't get myself to be nice to him.... aargh.... i will try.... this knot has to be broken once and for all.... sch work, many things!!
feeling much down to earth right now.... the alcoholic effects wearing off by now... wanna sleep, but still have essay to do.... hiaz... i'm gonna ask for extension.... sianz..... why do everything have to come at once, dinner, cc outing, project... aargh! and this inexplicable know and heavy feeling in me...
and the thing is i feel like taking for once.... instead of giving... it's really draining... and i hate it... geraldine once asked me this question... if there's red and white roses, which will u choose, and in what ratio if there's both.... i chose all red.... it means i'm the giver... and white is the opposite.... not surprising.... hiaz... please, let me be at the receiving end for once! i need it!
hiaz... good luck with essay....
yeah, and i almost got drunk.... drank abt half a bottle of red wine, the most i have for any alcoholic drinks... the thing is i don't even mind... how do i know i almost got drunk? cos, i was feeling light and woozy.... almost like floating... but i was sane as in not drunk, knowing my surroundings and stuff.... if i drank 2 more cups, i will sure be talking nonsense... don't get me wrong, i've never gotten drunk in my whole life, and i don't mind trying, just for the experience... the thing is, i wanted to get drunk just now.... had this feeling that i really wanna forget all the stuff i'm experiencing right now.... and the biggest obstacle, is my dad.... i still can't get myself to be nice to him.... aargh.... i will try.... this knot has to be broken once and for all.... sch work, many things!!
feeling much down to earth right now.... the alcoholic effects wearing off by now... wanna sleep, but still have essay to do.... hiaz... i'm gonna ask for extension.... sianz..... why do everything have to come at once, dinner, cc outing, project... aargh! and this inexplicable know and heavy feeling in me...
and the thing is i feel like taking for once.... instead of giving... it's really draining... and i hate it... geraldine once asked me this question... if there's red and white roses, which will u choose, and in what ratio if there's both.... i chose all red.... it means i'm the giver... and white is the opposite.... not surprising.... hiaz... please, let me be at the receiving end for once! i need it!
hiaz... good luck with essay....
Saturday, October 08, 2005
pissed with kid
it's abt 2 hrs from the wedding, and i'm supposed to finish my essay, as the cc has invited me to a moive preview... in the morning.... and for tmr afternoon, think we are meeting to do OBD project... aargh... so many things and so little time.... the thing is, i have not include my tutorials... hiaz.... why, and i'm typing the blog and surfing the net, procrastinating as usual.... actually, i'm quite disturbed and upset...
i have this student, pri 2 this year, learning piano... he doesn't practise and it's kinda hard to progress, if u have a bloody piano and not practise... the thing is, he's way back the usual standard of the kids i've been teaching, and it worries me... i don't wanna waste his parents' money... and in my sis's opinion, i have to inform the parents... the thing is, i really hate talking to parents, come on, who likes to be interrogated by parents... so, for the past 2 months or so, i've been v strict with him, scolding him and stuff... what do u want me to do...? he's rude, always trying to drown out my words with his playing, when i try to explain stuff... today is the worse... he has some problems with his counting, so i was like, in a strict voice, saying, u don't count, i count.... when i start to count, he basically didn't follow what i say... and i was like it's wrong, or something along the line... and he shouted I'M NOT COUNTING.... i was like, wtf.... what's your problem? i don't fucking depend on u for a living... and u have to be rude.... i was feeling v angry, wanted to slap him, but of course i can't do that.... and i just progress on with the lesson, pretending nothing has happen, in a calm voice... and he just bang the piano, like i fucking owe him something.... and luckily, for me, the time was up, so i told him lesson over, and u can go.... without concluding anything.... actually, what i wanted to say was GET OUT AND DON'T EVER COME BACK.... hiaz.... wtf.... kids these days.... and the thing is, i hope he doesn't come back next week... gonna bring the matter to my principal, i dun wanna teach ungrateful ingrates like him.... ass....
went with my sis to chinatown... bought beads for her jewellery business.... she introduced me to this store selling nice and hot desserts!!! had cashew nut cream... it was delicious!!!! hmm... must go try if i have the chance..... hmm... actually, ate alot... haha.... it was fun.... probably because of my bad mood, i can eat alot... that usually happenes..... bought my suit from people's park centre too!!! not that expensive, affordable within my means.... hiaz... OBD... hopefully, the presentation goes on smoothly.... aargh!!!
only at paragraph 2 of my essay, hiaz... sure die le....
gonna try out for the sub-com for WSC... hopefully, it's not that difficult to get in... but hafta stay back late to meet... sianz.....
should be all le.... feeling much better now.... audieu....
i have this student, pri 2 this year, learning piano... he doesn't practise and it's kinda hard to progress, if u have a bloody piano and not practise... the thing is, he's way back the usual standard of the kids i've been teaching, and it worries me... i don't wanna waste his parents' money... and in my sis's opinion, i have to inform the parents... the thing is, i really hate talking to parents, come on, who likes to be interrogated by parents... so, for the past 2 months or so, i've been v strict with him, scolding him and stuff... what do u want me to do...? he's rude, always trying to drown out my words with his playing, when i try to explain stuff... today is the worse... he has some problems with his counting, so i was like, in a strict voice, saying, u don't count, i count.... when i start to count, he basically didn't follow what i say... and i was like it's wrong, or something along the line... and he shouted I'M NOT COUNTING.... i was like, wtf.... what's your problem? i don't fucking depend on u for a living... and u have to be rude.... i was feeling v angry, wanted to slap him, but of course i can't do that.... and i just progress on with the lesson, pretending nothing has happen, in a calm voice... and he just bang the piano, like i fucking owe him something.... and luckily, for me, the time was up, so i told him lesson over, and u can go.... without concluding anything.... actually, what i wanted to say was GET OUT AND DON'T EVER COME BACK.... hiaz.... wtf.... kids these days.... and the thing is, i hope he doesn't come back next week... gonna bring the matter to my principal, i dun wanna teach ungrateful ingrates like him.... ass....
went with my sis to chinatown... bought beads for her jewellery business.... she introduced me to this store selling nice and hot desserts!!! had cashew nut cream... it was delicious!!!! hmm... must go try if i have the chance..... hmm... actually, ate alot... haha.... it was fun.... probably because of my bad mood, i can eat alot... that usually happenes..... bought my suit from people's park centre too!!! not that expensive, affordable within my means.... hiaz... OBD... hopefully, the presentation goes on smoothly.... aargh!!!
only at paragraph 2 of my essay, hiaz... sure die le....
gonna try out for the sub-com for WSC... hopefully, it's not that difficult to get in... but hafta stay back late to meet... sianz.....
should be all le.... feeling much better now.... audieu....
Friday, October 07, 2005
guys and online
this is a good night... n i mean for online chatting, not my essay... arrgh.... chat too much le... and now, i'm still back to square one... i deserve it... hiaz... ok, let me explain how did i get caught in the fundamentals of chatting.... firstly, i went online with the sole purpose of typing my essay... i mean, i didn't even want to chat... in addition, there's no one to chat to, yoke is with her parents, and pei shan is not online.... however, IT project...
yupz... jun hong came online and told me abt the ER diagram and stuff... then, he started asking me abt the msn stuff.... actually didn't want to tell him... distance, remember... however, he was just concerned, so, i was like, k, so i told him everyone thing, the essentials of it... then, we started chatting... so, from abt 845, we chat till 1130.... then, he had to bathe... lol... guys, why do they bathe so late? really wondering... it was quite nice... know some stuff abt him that i never knew... the thing is, i don't know how i will feel when i see him in sch... it's really weird... u know, see each other, seldom talk, then online... wow... chat abt many stuff... weird...
and the thing is, i realise why i wld fall for the maple guy... i always have a knack of getting ppl to talk abt themselves, and that's the case for junhong.... he was basically telling me stuff, w/o asking me stuff... but for derek, it's different, he asked me abt stuff... listening to me... it's basically a mutual exchange... and for the first time, i am taking instead of giving.... that's why i fell so hard... hiaz... aargh!!! crazy... me... jun hong... a very nice guy... i think if i allow myself to fall for him, i'm gonna get real hurt.... because, he's so much like mz, minus the responsibility part... someone, whom i feel comfortable with? the thing is, i dun feel i'm good enough for him.... rubbish? i don't know.... but one thing i'm sure.... i don't want to get hurt again.... and, yar.... i can keep the distance... yupz...
chatting with my fren from australia.... introducing shuxian.... my TAF club fren in sec sch... really miss her... i mean.... it's like we can chat abt lots of stuff... hope she takes care of her health...
hiaz... going for wedding dinner tomorrow... rather looking forward to it... but then, i haven finish my stupid PA essay... aargh!! see how it goes... hopefully, i can sleep!
yupz... jun hong came online and told me abt the ER diagram and stuff... then, he started asking me abt the msn stuff.... actually didn't want to tell him... distance, remember... however, he was just concerned, so, i was like, k, so i told him everyone thing, the essentials of it... then, we started chatting... so, from abt 845, we chat till 1130.... then, he had to bathe... lol... guys, why do they bathe so late? really wondering... it was quite nice... know some stuff abt him that i never knew... the thing is, i don't know how i will feel when i see him in sch... it's really weird... u know, see each other, seldom talk, then online... wow... chat abt many stuff... weird...
and the thing is, i realise why i wld fall for the maple guy... i always have a knack of getting ppl to talk abt themselves, and that's the case for junhong.... he was basically telling me stuff, w/o asking me stuff... but for derek, it's different, he asked me abt stuff... listening to me... it's basically a mutual exchange... and for the first time, i am taking instead of giving.... that's why i fell so hard... hiaz... aargh!!! crazy... me... jun hong... a very nice guy... i think if i allow myself to fall for him, i'm gonna get real hurt.... because, he's so much like mz, minus the responsibility part... someone, whom i feel comfortable with? the thing is, i dun feel i'm good enough for him.... rubbish? i don't know.... but one thing i'm sure.... i don't want to get hurt again.... and, yar.... i can keep the distance... yupz...
chatting with my fren from australia.... introducing shuxian.... my TAF club fren in sec sch... really miss her... i mean.... it's like we can chat abt lots of stuff... hope she takes care of her health...
hiaz... going for wedding dinner tomorrow... rather looking forward to it... but then, i haven finish my stupid PA essay... aargh!! see how it goes... hopefully, i can sleep!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
sensitivity
sometimes, i really think too much... and being the leader of the IT grp, guess it's sorta my responsibility to involve everyone... hiaz... why do i bother? when others do not? just add to my burden.... wtf.... i don't owe anybody anything.... just trying to be nice, and if anyone can't appreciate it, then f off.... yeah, expletives here and there... not really me.... perhaps, i can be normal again when the sch hols arrive... can't wait...
hiaz.... sometimes, it's really irritating..... ppl i dunno, just a feeling i get.... i feel very restless nowadays... don't know what the problem is.... hiaz....
actually, kind of like life now.... not so many politics and stress.... the irony of it...
tt's all....
hiaz.... sometimes, it's really irritating..... ppl i dunno, just a feeling i get.... i feel very restless nowadays... don't know what the problem is.... hiaz....
actually, kind of like life now.... not so many politics and stress.... the irony of it...
tt's all....
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
angry voices
in my opinion, i just had a heated discussion with my IT grp members on MSN.... and jun hong can just go figure... whateva.... and i resent u thinking that i take the easy way out... whatever the issue tt crops up, u r the one who is the one who pointed it out... point taken, tt's good... and i just give the different perspective of manipulating the damn data, because we are the ones who inputed the damn data in the first place... and u wanna question my intelligence.... on why the query was set in the first place... wtf... i don't give a damn and u can go figure out why smart guys don't always win in the end.... come on, i know i didn't do much.... but i really can't change the fact that i don't freaking know how to bloody hell do the queries.... wtfffffffff!!!!!!!!! not a good note to end on a night of chatting.....
it was a nice night... had dinner at chong pang cc to celebrate my dad's bday... we had crab bee hoon, cereal prawns, hakka tofu, yam basket and prawn paste kang kong.... then, we had fried oyster at chong pang hawker with some desserts... it's been a long time the family has gone out just as a family... i find it strange... perhaps, we don't talk much at all.... and i was very quiet... i still have some resentment towards my father, and it's in me.... i have to resolve it somehow, and i don't find it easy... perhaps, it's better if i can find someone to clear up this knot in me.... my sisters are no help, as they don't even bother to acknowledge the problem... don't blame them, we are just used to a lot of this kind of things... aargh...
miss talking to him... hope he initiates the conversation.... yeah, i'm over him.... just the teeniest hope...
hate frenster now.... i mean, they let u know who views u... which is like... duh? where's the sense of privacy... so stupid...
hiaz... gonna do my PA essay now... wish me luck!
it was a nice night... had dinner at chong pang cc to celebrate my dad's bday... we had crab bee hoon, cereal prawns, hakka tofu, yam basket and prawn paste kang kong.... then, we had fried oyster at chong pang hawker with some desserts... it's been a long time the family has gone out just as a family... i find it strange... perhaps, we don't talk much at all.... and i was very quiet... i still have some resentment towards my father, and it's in me.... i have to resolve it somehow, and i don't find it easy... perhaps, it's better if i can find someone to clear up this knot in me.... my sisters are no help, as they don't even bother to acknowledge the problem... don't blame them, we are just used to a lot of this kind of things... aargh...
miss talking to him... hope he initiates the conversation.... yeah, i'm over him.... just the teeniest hope...
hate frenster now.... i mean, they let u know who views u... which is like... duh? where's the sense of privacy... so stupid...
hiaz... gonna do my PA essay now... wish me luck!
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
another tuesday... aargh!
in sch now... prinitng notes... had mcdonalds' breakfast with my twin sis just now.... my lazy younger sis is broke and slping her ass off... haha.... i like to have a nice breakfast, so that i feel justified to skip lunch!! haha... anyway, with my stupid timetable, it's a wonder whether i get to eat any lunch or not...
hiaz... haven prepare my speech for the interview presentation tomorrow... how? my mom is so sensitive, thinks i'm gonna spoil the reputation of mediacorp... it's only a 3 min presentation, just gonna describe her job to everyone, and she thinks i'm gonna tarnish her reputation....? duh? actually, i don't blame her... hmm.... just gonna write my speech and give her a read-over... so that she will not murder me... haha...
was talking to this maple guy from NTU... was quite shocked when he initiated the conversation... haha, actually, i wanted to talk to him... open the msn windows a couple of times, but just did not talk to him... crazy? yeah.... anyway, he was saying he had not started studying yet... i was like... me too... and he said i'm hardworking? i was like?? feeling guilty... didn't study anything for the whole weekend... haha... i went to ask my younger sis to affirm my hardworkingness... lame? yeah, i need the assurance... haha, since they say i'm hardworking, i'm gonna be... and that means i must finish my PA essay by this friday... even if it means i'm gonna look really like a panda...
can't wait for all projects to end, so i can really start mugging... hiaz... projects...
was talking to my friend from sec sch who's in england now... she is rather like me, a free spirit who likes to bring joy to others.... kinda miss her... not really good frens, but the kind that can talk... yeah, and she tries to make me and mz be frens when we sorta quarrel... haha.. hope to chat with her often...
have to go... otherwise, late for lecture... hope that i don't fall asleep!!!
hiaz... haven prepare my speech for the interview presentation tomorrow... how? my mom is so sensitive, thinks i'm gonna spoil the reputation of mediacorp... it's only a 3 min presentation, just gonna describe her job to everyone, and she thinks i'm gonna tarnish her reputation....? duh? actually, i don't blame her... hmm.... just gonna write my speech and give her a read-over... so that she will not murder me... haha...
was talking to this maple guy from NTU... was quite shocked when he initiated the conversation... haha, actually, i wanted to talk to him... open the msn windows a couple of times, but just did not talk to him... crazy? yeah.... anyway, he was saying he had not started studying yet... i was like... me too... and he said i'm hardworking? i was like?? feeling guilty... didn't study anything for the whole weekend... haha... i went to ask my younger sis to affirm my hardworkingness... lame? yeah, i need the assurance... haha, since they say i'm hardworking, i'm gonna be... and that means i must finish my PA essay by this friday... even if it means i'm gonna look really like a panda...
can't wait for all projects to end, so i can really start mugging... hiaz... projects...
was talking to my friend from sec sch who's in england now... she is rather like me, a free spirit who likes to bring joy to others.... kinda miss her... not really good frens, but the kind that can talk... yeah, and she tries to make me and mz be frens when we sorta quarrel... haha.. hope to chat with her often...
have to go... otherwise, late for lecture... hope that i don't fall asleep!!!
Monday, October 03, 2005
indifferent
something's wrong with blogger again... haha, it's really ok if it allows me to type... doing my cover letter and interview presentation now.... got scolded by my mom just now, so, hafta wait a while before i ask her more abt her job... she's the vindictive kind, ya know.... hiaz... life of my family....
my IT project has been completed!! hmm.... this is really just a statement and not a celebratory one... i have some internal feelings of my own regarding IT project... and in the case that this gets read by the wrong person, i will be deem as ungrateful... anyway, i'm really relieved that it's over, and that there's only the report left to complete... will miss my grp, as they are easy to get along.... makes me wish sometimes that projects are better than exams... anyway, if u ask me choose, i would not make a choice, as they both are irritating!!! speaking of exams, PA, is such a big headache for me... think i'm gonna be dead for it if i don't start mugging for it soon.... and the stupid assignment is due soon... and i have not done it... aargh!!! it's times like this that make me wish for someone to confide in.... sianz...
there's lessons tomorrow... biz law in particular... hopefully, i will not be a mute....
been doing some rather bad stuff lately online.... don't really wanna elaborate on it, just that i will stop doing it... why hurt someone? and perhaps myself.... and really, a big thanks to zhi fa, mz's fren, who helped me with IT.... been bothering him for 2 nights straight... haha, hope he doesn't mind...
don't really like my entries lately... too much of reporting and less of what i really feel abt stuff... perhaps, i am too engrossed in my work.... hiaz... my life's not really happening, and i don't wish for it to be happening... just that, i do stuff that is not the norm of ppl in uni... and proclaiming on public seems out of place and strange.... maybe i'm conforming for the invisible public, which is not too good... as i wanna retain myself... hiaz... so difficult sometimes, to maintain this shread of normalcy...
think mapling is a good way to meet ppl... have been meeting ppl here and there.... between the ages 11-26... haha, so far.... when i go mapling, i can forget abt alot of things... and that makes me real happy to be in the virtual world... unrealistic? perhaps? it's true and i know it... that's why i say, i have a pathetic life... anyway, going online seldom now, stuff and home and studies... hiaz... hiaz...
that should be all....
my IT project has been completed!! hmm.... this is really just a statement and not a celebratory one... i have some internal feelings of my own regarding IT project... and in the case that this gets read by the wrong person, i will be deem as ungrateful... anyway, i'm really relieved that it's over, and that there's only the report left to complete... will miss my grp, as they are easy to get along.... makes me wish sometimes that projects are better than exams... anyway, if u ask me choose, i would not make a choice, as they both are irritating!!! speaking of exams, PA, is such a big headache for me... think i'm gonna be dead for it if i don't start mugging for it soon.... and the stupid assignment is due soon... and i have not done it... aargh!!! it's times like this that make me wish for someone to confide in.... sianz...
there's lessons tomorrow... biz law in particular... hopefully, i will not be a mute....
been doing some rather bad stuff lately online.... don't really wanna elaborate on it, just that i will stop doing it... why hurt someone? and perhaps myself.... and really, a big thanks to zhi fa, mz's fren, who helped me with IT.... been bothering him for 2 nights straight... haha, hope he doesn't mind...
don't really like my entries lately... too much of reporting and less of what i really feel abt stuff... perhaps, i am too engrossed in my work.... hiaz... my life's not really happening, and i don't wish for it to be happening... just that, i do stuff that is not the norm of ppl in uni... and proclaiming on public seems out of place and strange.... maybe i'm conforming for the invisible public, which is not too good... as i wanna retain myself... hiaz... so difficult sometimes, to maintain this shread of normalcy...
think mapling is a good way to meet ppl... have been meeting ppl here and there.... between the ages 11-26... haha, so far.... when i go mapling, i can forget abt alot of things... and that makes me real happy to be in the virtual world... unrealistic? perhaps? it's true and i know it... that's why i say, i have a pathetic life... anyway, going online seldom now, stuff and home and studies... hiaz... hiaz...
that should be all....
Sunday, October 02, 2005
conclusion
blogger is back to normal! hiaz.... it's been a tiring week for me, have been slping almost 5 hrs everyday... however, i can take it better than in jc.... probably, because they days are shorter... u may ask what i've been doing? basically, reading the textbooks.... i'm quite worried for econs... actually, for almost everything.... cos, it's quite hanging, where there's no confirmed right or wrong... but rather, what u have matches the tutor, u just feel and think u r on the right track... i hate to use the computer, cos, once i'm on it, i'll just do nothing but use the computer... contrary to many of my frens, i don't go mapling, but chat.... that's real bad.... i'm not that efficient at multi-tasking... i have no choice... so many things to do...
1. cover letter
2. interview presentation
3. econs tutorial
4. biz law tutorial
5. PA essay
6. IT project
7. OBD project
they are no in order of urgency... so many things.... aargh... and for IT project, i've been hounding mz's fren.... feel bad abt it, cos it's their hols... hope he doesn't mind... really nice of him... but tiring, cos, he's the night online kind of person, know what i mean? it's ok... for the sake of the project.... why... why....
superstar concert... hmm... it's quite boring.... but derrick is so cute! hiaz.... rather enjoy it, but put a hole in my pocket, for the cab fare... a nice time spent with hwee min, hui qi and mag... the screaming fans were mad though, screaming and screaming like there's no tomorrow... maybe, i'm old le... haha...
i'm maintaining my distance.... subconciously, i'm doing that.... perhaps, i'm afraid of making a mistake, but i have a feeling it's more than that.... u really remind me of someone... someone who has a major and lasting impact on my life... really afraid of committing the same mistake... so, distance is the answer and only the answer.... God will bless me on this...
think i'm going mad... having crushes only at this kind of age... whatever lar... perhaps, i'm too caught up in the new environment.... yeah, back to the sensible me.... practicality rules!
hiaz... shld be all... sianz... hope i can finish everything by today... on top of giving tuition....
1. cover letter
2. interview presentation
3. econs tutorial
4. biz law tutorial
5. PA essay
6. IT project
7. OBD project
they are no in order of urgency... so many things.... aargh... and for IT project, i've been hounding mz's fren.... feel bad abt it, cos it's their hols... hope he doesn't mind... really nice of him... but tiring, cos, he's the night online kind of person, know what i mean? it's ok... for the sake of the project.... why... why....
superstar concert... hmm... it's quite boring.... but derrick is so cute! hiaz.... rather enjoy it, but put a hole in my pocket, for the cab fare... a nice time spent with hwee min, hui qi and mag... the screaming fans were mad though, screaming and screaming like there's no tomorrow... maybe, i'm old le... haha...
i'm maintaining my distance.... subconciously, i'm doing that.... perhaps, i'm afraid of making a mistake, but i have a feeling it's more than that.... u really remind me of someone... someone who has a major and lasting impact on my life... really afraid of committing the same mistake... so, distance is the answer and only the answer.... God will bless me on this...
think i'm going mad... having crushes only at this kind of age... whatever lar... perhaps, i'm too caught up in the new environment.... yeah, back to the sensible me.... practicality rules!
hiaz... shld be all... sianz... hope i can finish everything by today... on top of giving tuition....
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