so exciting~!!

2007-07-11T09:02:00.001+08:00

hey everyone.... haha, if you are still reading this, i've moved!

www.annatserenity.blogspot.com

cya there...!

2007-05-06T00:56:00.000+08:00

was reading through my previous entries, and i realise that, i have not been blogging really serious thoughts that i have... haha.... it's really strange, when i was reading them yesterday... it seems as though it was written by another person. somehow, i've morphed from an open person to one that is closed up... well, can't exactly pinpoint when the change took place, whether it was intentional or not, well, it just happened... anyway, just sort of noticed about it...

had a nice time recently, well, broke's the word... spending tons of money, but the revenue is unearned!! haha.... hopefully, just want to enjoy my break before internship... and just hoping that internship turns out to be a nice experience...

get more slp!!

2007-05-04T01:31:00.000+08:00

damn. i used to hate it when my relatives say that i'm defensive since young. the need to defend anything that people say about u, just because u think that they are against u or something. now, that i'm older, i choose to defend the right kind of things, the things that are worth, or that it is even mature enough to defend about it. can't understand people sometimes, when they insist on knowing something, yet, professes to be unhappy about it, and, show it.... sigh.... perhaps, i'm just that cold-blooded...

maybe it's just me, that i've changed quite a bit. and, sometimes, it's hard to keep so many things lying inside me, so i say things out like now. yes, i have not been blogging as much as i used to, perhaps, kind of used to hiding things inside of me. my point is, just take me as i am, alright. hate porcupines.

perhaps, people like to think that i treat things as though the world revolves around me. not even gonna try to say anything about that, not worth it. if that's what they truly think, i can't do much about it. realise that very long ago. just that, perhaps, i'm as tired as everybody, trying to do the right things, and realise that if i do feel the same things back, i would be glad to. but i don't, and i don't want to keep trying to feel something when i simply don't.

i've said enough...

2007-05-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

let go. that's the best thing that anyone can do towards anything. i realise that, when i hold on, i made myself damn unhappy. and when i'm unhappy, it's like, so? no sense in being unhappy i guess... so, i let go, not the total good feeling i have, but i feel much better.... =)

even though i harbour no ill feelings towards them, i would truly appreciate it if no one even mention them if possible. it's kind of childish, but, that's me in a way. see no evil, hear no evil. running away, so what? i can't possibly run from them forever, but while i still can, i don't see the harm?

having lots of fun watching the prince turns into a frog! so nice!! i cry while watching it! love it!!!

2007-04-26T14:33:00.000+08:00

today is the 201 paper.... tried my best, but didn't manage to finish it. sigh, as usual, what's new??? sigh... hopefully, it's enough to get a pass at least. perhaps, i'm a realist at the end of the day.... i might not know if i have what it takes to be a good accountant, but i know, i try my best. maybe it's not the best, but i do try, and if it's not enough, i should just keep trying i guess. perhaps, i do also believe that, as long as u try, u will be rewarded.... i don't have to be rewarded substantially, just not to the extent that i'm a failure i guess, sigh..... right now, don't feel much, i've always been good numbing myself towards things i don't wanna feel. perhaps, when the results arrive, then i feel the full impact and start breaking down.... perhaps...

2 more papers to go... gonna study harder i guess... at least, it's less stressful for me, lesser concepts... haha, hopefully? sigh....

feeling left out about things recently.... make me feel like running away many times... i managed to stay.... don't know how much longer can i take sometimes..... trying trying....

tired tired.... blog more when i'm in happier mood....

a song, i've always love this song

beyonce knowles - listen

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your ownall cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known

Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....
LISTEN!!!...

To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete
Oh,Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my ownn...

2007-04-19T16:37:00.000+08:00

well, down by one paper.... it's a relief yet not so too... haiz, as usual, i didn't manage to finish the paper, been doing my utmost best, but somehow, i'm always tied down by the first question. and the rest of the paper, well, it's really a race against time, and i always seem to lose... sigh, just hope that for the next paper, i can manage to finish it.... i have faith! always!! sigh, if only my heart really believes that.... been a pesismist recently.... =( just hope that i do well for the papers.... at least, just alright? sigh...

my initial plan was to blog a long entry about coping with things so far, however, my heart does not seem to be in it. perhaps, i've lost the mood already.... haha.... that's good in a way i guess, blogging about the sad past is really not a very healthy thing to do....

dread going to sch.... just the thought of spending a few hours in school is such a shuddering thought.... can't wait to get out of it once i've entered the sch, even though it's for a purpose, such as taking exams.... the profound feeling of dreading sch, perhaps, even hating it, stems from the fact that there's nothing for me to look forward in school.... well, the only thing that i'm being reminded of everytime, the failure i am, for doing badly, for not performing, it's a sucky feeling, but it's kind of hard not to think in this way, as the environment is such that? it is even more prominent during exams.... u feel your usefulness, or the lack of it.... it's such a pragmatic society, it really is.... u are only seen as useful, if u are smart.... well, don't understand why am i even commenting on it, perhaps, it's bloody obvious, and i love to talk about the things i can't stand... sometimes, i really wonder, where do people get the energy to compare, to try to be the best? when all they do is get each others throat... simply, i'm in the wrong place.... well, surprise... life still goes on... one more year.... can't wait....

been listening to FIR's and Fish Leong's song.... and i wanna dedicate a particular song to a fren... i just think of him whenever i hear the song.... but before the song, i just wanna say something in general... been running away recently, i don't know if anyone has picked on that.... i'm running away to the comforts of my family.... it's there when i feel safe, protected, away from competition, bad feelings.... and that, is what family is supposed to represent, however, if it's at the expense of my social life, then, there's something really wrong? i don't really know how to reconcile, except that, i feel very lonely when i'm away from my family... perhaps, that's the reason that i always want to run back to my family? sigh....

met a new friend from US recently... his name is eric... nice guy!!

alright, here's the song...

fish leong - 暖暖

都可以随便的
你说的我都愿意去
小火车摆动的旋律

都可以是真的
你说的我都会相信
因为我完全信任你

细腻的喜欢
毛毯般的厚重感
晒过太阳熟悉的安全感
分享的汤我们俩吃汤吃一个碗
左心房暖暖的好保暖

我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
真心的对我好
不要求回报

爱一个人希望他过更好
他从心里暖暖的
你对自己更重要

都可以随便的
你说的我都愿意去
回忆里满足的旋律

都可以是真的
你说的我都会相信
因为我完全信任你

细腻的喜欢
你手掌的厚实感
什么困难都觉得有希望

我很这个你自然的就接下一段
我知道暖暖就在胸膛

我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
真心的对我好
不要求回报

爱一个人希望他过更好
他从心里暖暖的
你对自己更重要

我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
从来都很低调
自信心不高
爱一个人希望他过更好

他从心里暖暖的
你对自己更重要

2007-04-18T18:13:00.000+08:00

it's a sucky feeling to be sick, makes me feel so vulnerable.... and i started to listen to fish leong's songs, makes me so aargh! and i cried.... sigh, i think it's because my sis is nursing a break-up, and in my process of comforting her, i was reminded of the past too? haha, it's not as bad as it sounds, just feeling sorry for myself? i wanted to insert a long entry, but perhaps, it has to wait till tomorrow? when the 202 paper is done!!

i hope to finish studying.... although, i don't seem to be able to answer the past year papers, i still have faith!

hopefully, the paper will look nice tomorrow.... jiayou to me!!!

2007-04-15T22:59:00.000+08:00

well, my entry for yesterday has been deleted due to my computer's persistency in hanging everytime i'm trying to do something great....? haha.... had a nice time yesterday at IKEA, eating the meatballs and chicken wings! absloutely love it! why oh why didn't i take a photo...? haha....

i've always meant to blog about this issue, however, seems to have forgotten about it.... well, i remember now.... i hate being the bad person, when the whole stupid issue wasn't started by me. damn, and i have went on the route to perform damage control, the whole thing comes back to haunt me? i think i'm pissed becuase i do not have the last say.... call it pride or something along that line.... hate it.... and now, i'm feeling out of sorts because i'm not used to being the person who deliver the bad news.... i'm more used to being fed with the bad news and dealing with it. perhaps, it comes with taking responsibility for emotional issues? i don't like to be in the centre of things, taking charge or anything, it really suxs.... but it is over right now, so kind of glad in a way too, i just take it that i've been used again.... but people of the same kind.... i think i should have gotten it after so many times, steer clear of those kind... and i'll be safe and protected again. perhaps, once again, u wonder, how people of a certain maturity can be harmful? u'll never know... just be on the same side....

well, i really should start studying now.... sigh.... jiayou everyone!

2007-04-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

i have to stop reading story books and start mugging!!! sigh... i just love reading books, yet its at the wrong time.... i have to focus! stop pooling! stop feeling like i want to slp!! haha...

it's been a long time since i've confronted this topic. playing games. i've not done this for a long time, yet, when i'm at it, i don't even know i'm at it. sometimes, i think i'm too good at it that when i succeed, it left me with a hollow feeling.... sigh, what can i say? i'm too good for my own good.... sometimes, i think i end up hurting myself when others are out in the open and having the time of their life... sigh...?

just study just study....

2007-04-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

i slept for 45 mins last night, it was a terrible ordeal and i swore never to go through it again. i was so foolish, at what expense? my presentation sucks like shit... sigh, i know that it is damn bad, from the looks of the tutor, seems like i didn't do my preparation.... sigh, i was that tired, my mind just blanked out automatically.... sigh, the feeling that u know u are alright at something, yet, u can't perform, it's so damn sad.... i felt really bad for my grp mates... i'm so so sorry.... i always fail to learn my lesson....

went to the library afterwards to wait for twin sister.... i felt so sleepy...! i think it had to do with the book that i borrowed.... i was in the mood for a challenging mystery.... alas, my mind can't follow... perhaps, the language wasn't really for my mood too.... managed to borrow one though, a mystery!

sigh, must get to studying soon.... i've got to try to do better for my aa201 module, might not pass? sigh.... i do always reap what i sow... anybody who wants to study with me, feel free to contact me, but, try not to venture too far, i think? haha....

nice time with peishan on tues!

love the movie today! meeting the robinsons!

2007-04-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

i'm seriously sick of projects, just want to get down and study properly! ahz! i'm sick of the computer! i just don't ever want to see it again... i just want a quiet place to study, as the computer is damn irritating!! with so much distractions, and i'm not a very focused person.... sigh....

i don't really care much about things right now, if people wanna get hurt, that's their business. i'm sick of trying to protect others when i need some protecting myself..... sometimes, just leave me alone? i'm sick of answering questions that i don't want to.... and i don't really like people to keep asking... i'm private that way... too bad, i'm harsh, and i expect people to be too.... that's the way i am, and that may not be the case for everyone, well, too bad i guess....

haiz, projects, please fly away? thanks...

2007-04-08T21:04:00.000+08:00

i have a nice time today, playing that is, well, have been meaning to study once i've played enough, and i guess, the time has really come that i should have had my fun... =) have been playing pool like mad these few days.... and in the process, met some interesting guys... a guy from US and another from UK. it's kind of interesting to talk to different people, asking what is happening around the world, knowing that there is something different out there than Singapore... and the interesting thing i've noticed is that they are usually more talkative if the find out u are not of the same gender... haha....

trying to rush projects, somehow, my heart is not in it, doing those projects.... it's a surreal feeling, somehow, doing the projects, yet, seeing myself out of the picture.... sigh, when will all these end.... just can't wait to study in peace, without any interference... and the thing is, i'm not even anxious.... sigh..... just go away!!

many things happened this week... and, somehow, i think, whatever i've done, i'm happy with it... be at peace. =)

2007-04-05T23:55:00.000+08:00

i have been meaning to blog, do my IT, but, alas, jy has been asking me to play games... haha.... okay, i will do IT tmr!!!!! i must! sigh.... i almost cried just now, haha, almost, well, an old wound threatens to surface again.

perhaps, it's the end of the term, and something happened at the canteen today, i have nothing much to think abt, then i start thinking abt the past again.... i remember the day where all of us were having dinner at subway... some comments that u made were so hypocritical, i really wonder, how could i ever had seen u as someone perfect.... perhaps, i'm just much too bias, it's just that, sometimes, i just sigh? have been doing that less and less lately, which is good, i'm almost healed, just perhaps, that 1% of stubborn self that refuses to give in, for reasons, unknown to even to myself.... well, anyway, all will be forgotten soon, with exams and... the holidays!! despite the internship, will be looking forward to the hols, meeting up with dear friends, and having lots of time to myself... =)

i think i have mentioned it to someone, haha, or many people actually, i seem to fall for the wrong persons all the time, none of them actually fit my criteria, yet, i just fall for them? haha, it's really funny.... to me, it's just God's test for me, if i do actually find someone that is really the true one, somehow, i will know, as God will ensure that i do know and cherish the other person... was telling yoke just now, no matter who is around me right now, just enjoying everyone's company, am glad for it too.... =)

have to start studying real soon.... sigh, after completing dreaded IT soon.... =)

2007-04-02T20:34:00.000+08:00

it's quite sad, in the sense that, a friendship is spoilt just like that.... i'm sad, because, i've always thought of u as a fren, someone who is asking nothing much of me, yet hang out once in a while... well, i may say that i don't care, because i need to not care, before i can actually carry what i intend to do....

i've been in a dilemna since the day i know. i've been in your shoes before, and i know what is the worse thing that could happen to someone in the exact same position. hope, ambiguity, just basically, expectations that something more will happen. when, all i know, is just the word, stop, stop dreaming, stop expecting. easier said then done.... i'm not really sure what kind of person u are, anyway, i've dealt in it the best way i can... whatever repurcussions that will follow, i don't really dare to think.... even when everything has come to light, even when we are not friends anymore, perhaps, just hope that u know what i've done is all in your best interests.

after speaking to God, i feel much better about my actions. have never been really good at this emotional kind of things. i'm selfish in a way, i like my peaceful life, and i don't want the status quo to be changed... yes, that is how fiercely i've been guarding this safety cove i've protected myself in...

some piece of good news that do motivate me.... apparently, our IT project seems to sit well with the tutor... haha, gald that something is finally going well, so gonna try the best for part 2... *fingers-crossed*

now, mugging for tax quiz.... =( haha, jiayou no matter what....

2007-03-31T23:31:00.000+08:00

i hate it when people spoil the calm life i have. i have been desperately trying to get over a bad experience and yet come another one. it's very tiring to have to maintain friendship after friendship when all i want is to have some stability in my life.... i thought that, finally, i have someone to be there for me, having harmless fun occassionally, asking nothing in return. apparently, my good intentions have been misguided in someone else's eyes.... and whatever i've done, when i think of it, it's as though i have been leading someone wrongly... it's really terrible...

i hate trying to be the bad person, that just ain't not me, and it's making me feel very uncomfortable.... i hate it hate it.... others may think i'm childish... i just can't get over some things, and i don't think i ever will.... getting back to what was before, i think it's very difficult.... perhaps, maybe, never.... i don't understand why some people must wait until the ultimate before they get the message.... *shivers*

many projects to do... many things to study.... hope that i can do well in the upcoming exams... all friends, pls take care....

2007-03-30T13:24:00.000+08:00

sometimes, when u know that things are impossible, u don't often think when u do things, behave in a certain way, because u know that things are impossible. however, i realise, that sometimes, i forgot to think of the other party, i forgot to think of what they may think. what i deemed as impossible, may not be what they see..... perhaps, that's my mistake... no matter what, both of us have done wrong in certain ways, and that, i don't know what will happen in future.... i'm glad in a way, that this have happened, i feel much relaxed, much at ease.... it's like something has gone away, for me.... i'm selfish, i don't need this kind of things right now in my life.... i'm happy with alot of things, status quo, must remain unchanged.....

stephanie sun has this song, "understand". it's because when u understand, that's why things seem so sad.... i've never wish for anything sad to happen to anyone.... it's just in my nature to behave this way towards everyone.... some people may find it irritating, some people may think it's just me, no matter what, i'm just like that.... i've never set out to play games with anyone, and friends, u know, i can play if i want to.... so pls, perhaps, understand that? as in my previous entry, i've stated very clearly, not now, not in future, not forever.... it's just impossible....

i'm not feeling very good cos of this incident.... sometimes, when u think that things left unsaid is much better than things said.... i've tried both, and both reap nothing good.... what's the best thing to do then? i don't know... perhaps, to do with feelings, there's none....

when i have something to do, i seldom say, so most people don't know that i'm busy.... i may portray that i'm not, but i am.... that's just me, so pls try to understand if i can't go out at the last minute... i'm not like most people, who say what's on their mind directly, i'm still learning.... so, try to understand, perhaps, i send out the wrong signals, but it's not intentionally done, i just hate to disappoint people in that way.... so i'm really sorry....

most people have their own problems, who doesn't? i have always known that i'm rather fortunate... and that, i wish for nothing much then what i have materialistically.... glad for the people in my life, people who love me, friends by side.... appreciate all of u.... =) take care lots.....

2007-03-26T20:58:00.000+08:00

i've just changed my blog skin.... i hope u guys love it.... haha.... i rather like the idea of staring into the wide open sky which represents the freedom to love, choose, do whatever i want... =)

i'm rather happy these few days.... happy with the way things are going, especially with the relationships i have with people i care about.... i feel really blessed.... =) thanks for listening to me guys.... i know i talk alot, and not many can stand that about me, haha, but too bad, no choice! sometimes, i think i should not talk too much, i can't help it though... =)

i'm quite an extreme person, in certain circumstances.... i can be really quiet and talkative at the same time... =) just that, i've changed.... i don't know why, suddenly, i felt that today... i've always thought that this is me, but i've changed.... don't know what brought about the change, but strangely so, i felt much lighter and at peace with myself.... have not felt that in a long while... Perhaps, God is by my side, blessing me with a calm and peaceful life.... even the most terrible of persons can't affect me too much....

i hope this happiness last.... however, happy things usually do not last for long.... somehow, something dark and gloomy is lurking out there, striking when we're unaware... robbing us of the little happiness we may feel... however, i believe i'm strong enough to cope with whatever that is out there.... i believe and hence i do know that as long as i keep my spirits up, have the faith, i will feel happy....

compared to my previous entries, this is a much lighter entry... haha, perhaps, i'm back to my positive self once again... to the things i have which are not good... i hope for better times ahead.... a happy gal can hope can't she.... =)

2007-03-25T13:15:00.000+08:00

many birthdays upcoming this week.... haha... had a nice time attending all of them.... yesterday was ming zhong's bday.... happy bday!! was chatting with wei xin about many things... it was nice, talking about many different kind of things... it has been quite some time that i have seriously talked about things with friends... recently, many birthdays coming up, had to hang out with friends and buy presents.... so had nice serious conversations! haha....

met up with dear peishan last fri..... yes... we'll go jogging soon! and study!!

another birthday to attend later... wei xin! haha... gonna be fun!

right now, many things to occupy me.... been starting to play the piano again.... i wanna be in tip-top condition when i start my diploma lessons.... =) can't wait for that....! suddenly, realise that i have many things to look forward to.... the end of sch!!! finally, i can be myself again..... exams...! okay, that's weird.... but, when exams are over... i'll be damn glad too.... haha....

right now, many projects to do.... sigh... jiayou myself!

2007-03-22T22:23:00.000+08:00

i'm naive.... i thought our friendship means much more than just silly results, marks.... apparently, i was wrong... i'm really naive, wanting to believe in the good of people, why do they always prove me wrong? i wasn't that affected... strange, i seem to be in the mode of calmness even in the face of a storm.... once again, perhaps, i've really cultivated a sense of calm and of no disturbance whatsoever...

i'm not feeling much about things nowadays.... not tired, just, don't really see a point in many things.... k la, dun feel like blogging anymore.... games!

2007-03-20T08:57:00.000+08:00

poor poor blog, u have been neglected for far too long.... haha... does this mean i'm back to writing fervently once again.... have not felt the need to blog too much for about a month or so.... there is not one particular reason, perhaps, felt the need to be away from "prying" eyes for awhile.... somehow, u realise, no matter how much u try to run or hide, it's just a simple way of escapism from everything.... suddenly, realise that i have to wake up one day... and why not now?

whatever, just whatever. everything can go wrong for me, so what? my results sux... that's a major thing in my life, in a way.... sigh.... sometimes, can't help but feel that why everything seems to go wrong in uni.... trying to make the best out of things, even if i'm forcing myself to see the positive side of things, yet, it just seems much too difficult.... wonder where has it gone nastily wrong.... trying to convince myself of alot of things, with so many factors into play, and maybe i've hit the nail on the head, what am i to do.... sometimes, people can't get out of the bottomless pit, not because they don't want to, it's just that the circumstances surrounding them makes it hard for them to come out of it alive....

excuses, perhaps, but it's a good excuse.... just realise that the people that i'm hanging out with at each stage of my sch life are really very different.... no matter what, i have chosen this path for myself, just take it and walk on... in about a little more than a year, i will kiss this path goodbye, and boy will i be glad to see it far away from me.... embarking on a journey that i have a strong inkling that i will not really like, seemingly from the people i seem to encounter now and then, but i will strive on..... for the people who deemed is the right one for me....

strive on, i can do it.... what u don't like doesn't mean u can't excel at it can't u? yeah...

2007-03-18T21:39:00.000+08:00

it may have been possible, in another lifetime. u would make a very good boyfriend. no doubt about that, i have faith in you this way. right now, or rather, forever, it's not possible. no matter how much i may like to think that everything is innocent fun, i know it's not. u are exhibiting signs that so not long ago has happened to me. i don't like to play games, and the only way i know how, is to be indifferent, to pretend. i don't know how long i can ensure that everything remains unchanged, i'm gonna try.... distance, why is this topic coming back again...?

this week faced more downs than ups... the strange thing is that i don't feel that unhappy. perhaps, i've even expected my failings somehow... tried my best, i did. and the results doesn't show... what do i have to do? just try again? sometimes, i'm just so sick and tired of always trying and not getting anything in return.... the simple word, try. yeah, gonna try again... somehow, the mind is set, but the heart is not, and it shows in actions... sigh.... what to do, try...

i wonder if i have any capacity to love another person anymore, in the relationship with the opposite sex sense.... more often, i've been questioning myself abt this... not particulary afraid that i may end up alone, just that, right now, i feel that, God has given me many other aspects to focus on that i don't see that particular issue as so staring in my face than before... it's really good... almost half of my time in sch, i have to face this issue, people... it's really a breather when i come home... haha... suddenly, i love home a lot.... perhaps, life is just full of tests this way... without my previous experience, i would have never come to appreciate my family and loved ones more.... they will always be there for me, no matter what..... thanks....

speaking about people staying with me.... it's not so long ago that i have so much faith in people, the promises they made to me, the promise to stay.... i've lost that faith now.... somehow, it's hard to point a finger at anyone, i'm guilty of this charge too.... should we go on to question the degree of guilt we should impose on others and ourselves... often, we find ways to talk ourselves out of anything that is detrimental to us.... trying to find reasons to sustain our wrongdoings.... i'm no different... it's also a long time ago that i've questioned about anything at all... people like to give the excuse that they are tired.... i do question, have anybody done anything yet? have they tried? if not, why are they tired? excuses, another word again......

i don't understand many things, yet somehow, i do understand.... perhaps, trying not to understand makes things easier to bear.... somehow, u try not to, yet u do understand.... understanding is such a tiring thing... that is tiring.... sometimes, i wonder, is it so hard to illicit a response.... is there still so much games being played out... is there a need.... i wonder... perhaps, it's just best not to understand....

a long time since anyone tried to understand me... and i find that the people who do, they take away my faults, just like i have taken away theirs, and see the beauty underneath.... i can't see your beauty if u don't take away my faults.... understanding... is that in itself something impossible? i question one last time....

2007-03-07T21:47:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired.... so tired of everything... this week didn't start off well, i'm just so tired, seemingly from the many things i have to do, yet, i don't even know if i'm on the right track or not. i just want a good night's sleep, where, after waking up, i'm still bright and not tired. and filled with dread with the thought of going to school...

many thoughts, i'm just too tired... next week, i'll try again...

2007-03-05T21:40:00.000+08:00

today was a great day and nothing could dampen my spirits. when i say nothing, u better believe it. =) today is the end of any AA202 presentation. it wasn't the best of presentations, but it's over!! haiz, i'm right again...! why do my group mates like to ignore my points... sianz... well, what's done has been done.... and the tax quiz, some stupid mistakes!!! well, it can't dampen my spirits either! just glad that one of the thoughest day is over!

was thinking that i have much stuff to blog about, somehow, i seem to be stuck now... haha.... let me see, firstly, sorry peishan! can't meet u... will try to meet ya soon! take care lots!

just happy that life can be much more relaxed in a way... think i've been stressed subconsciously... have not been sleeping well recently.... just can't take naps despite being so damn tired.... it was quite a bad week, having the hols, yet can't totally enjoy.... haha, though, managed to squeeze a kbox session in.... =)

i think i'm feeling much better, in the sense, that i feel nothing much when i saw them... perhaps, time has really healed the wounds substantially...? haha.... perhaps, i'm just in good spirits and that nothing can dampen them!!!

okay, gotta go study the IT quiz.... =( jiayou all!

2007-02-24T00:16:00.000+08:00

hmm, today was a fun day, playing mahjong for the whole day. haiz, lost money... haha. it's all in the fun of new year.... was quite glad that i do have the chance to just relax for the whole day. the hols are here and it's quite scary how much work i have to do. getting rather panicky right now, trying to be more hardworking, spending lesser time online, studying with frens.... haha, hopefully, i will not do badly for final exams, which, for all my subjects, i have been rather lagging... sigh.... seems like lots to do... i will do it! =) haha...

i hate egoistic guys.... hmm, maybe i'm really that terrible or dumb, well, it gets kind of irritating if the members in your group starts to ignore the things u say or treat it as insignificant... well, it's a GROUP project after all.... nothing much i can say, or, perhaps, i'm simply just wrong... anyway, there's just one final project, and after that, i can just heck everything... so, let's get it over and done with!!!!

new year is gonna be over soon... sigh... just that, lesser of an excuse to procrastinate... haha...

realise that i've yet to forgive u for that incident. no matter how much i've convinced myself, not thinking abt it that much, yet, when i see u, i will be reminded that your choice ultimately is not me. just kind of sad that our friendship can't withstand this. since i've not forgiven, i don't even know if i will. it's quite a small thing, yet, the meaning is significant. somehow, don't know why i have to keep showing, proving and saying things, just to show, prove and say i mean it. i've forget, as i thought that we have this understanding between us. apparently i was wrong. there never is one between us, perhaps, all it boils down to, what matters to a person i guess.

just realise that i'm the kind of person who will show utmost loyalty to a fren who matters a lot to me. and i realise that i can't expect all my frens to behave that way. even if i realise that, doesn't mean i can accept it yet. or, seldom have i been in any situation where my frens are having different thoughts than mine. this is a test of our friendship, and our friendship seems to have failed in this aspect too. don't know about things, what to do, just that, where, in the past, things seem so confusing, they have become clearer. perhaps, what we are looking for has been overtaken or replaced by someone. other than that, it probably means nothing. somehow, trying to quantify and qualify it, something seems to be missing. perhaps, the answer may simply just be, hidding.

why do people like to hide so much? all the guessing, assuming... what's it's worth? is it really fun? to see if anyone gets it? to see if anyone knows u that well? to compare between people? it's already there, yet people like to test it so much... why? really dumbfounded by it... well, maybe, it's just the complexities of people i've yet to comprehend...

tired of mahjonging... haha.... off to sleep.... after proj report... sigh...

2007-02-16T12:22:00.000+08:00

now that i'm a bit clearer and coherent, perhaps, i can blog better, and give a verification of my state of mind... think that ah mei's song woke me up quite a fair bit.

was just thinking of things, perhaps, have not been thinking much recently, trying to divert my attention from all those thoughts... however, when these thoughts come, they come after a catalyst, it's always like that, the aftermath, it's still a little heart to bear... what can i really do? just bear with it....

the ah mei song is right, it's always difficult to forget, because his shadow is always around u. what is worse, the physical self is constantly revolving around me, like the doors, wherever u go, u do see them around. till now, i'm still astounded at how people can easily cause hurt to someone just like that. perhaps, i'm even guilty of that myself, somehow or another, yet, i don't even know i've caused heartache somehow.

it's easy to pretend that u are happy. been doing that subconciously... sigh, what to do? didn't realise that until today, while i was sweeping the floor and listening to music. sigh.... been doing much that lately. realise that everyone is happy around me. they are happy, sigh. trying, really trying... damn. i don't want to blog anymore....

2007-02-15T23:12:00.000+08:00

this is my first entry in ages... not that i do not have the time, rather, been focusing my energies on mapling... well, i've been procrastnating alot about my sch work, it's really time to pull up my socks and do work... haiz, i don't want to repeat this semester! so much quizzes coming up!! sigh... really gotta work hard! catch up on readings that are accumulating dust... sigh...

my cousin arthur is so cute!! love him to bits!!! i love his eyes... beautiful eyes!! sigh... haha...

i don't really know what to say after so long, in the sense that, find that i have nothing much to share. perhaps, used to not blogging after some time. sigh, that's about it... sianz...

2007-02-05T21:39:00.000+08:00

i saw the two of them today whilst i was alone on my way back from school. the feeling that cut through me was swift. it still hurts. it ain't so bad when there are people around me. often, i will show that i'm alright, somehow, it lessens the hurt i might be feeling. they are also very good distractors.... really thankful for them.... i guess, time does heal the wounds, but how long will it take? i hope very soon. i keep pushing myself to feel alright around them, yet, when i'm around them, the truth is that i can't be at ease. in the sense, be myself. i have lots of hiding to do, to prevent the real feelings from emerging...

i guess, the reason why it is so difficult to put it all behind me, because the memories just refuse to go away. everytime when i see u, i will think of the past. it just comes to me... really, u could help me, just go away, stay away from me.... it will be so much easier.... when u guys are away from me, i feel so much better, i forget. once, u appear, i remember. pls, just let it go away. i just want to face everyone with a clear, clean state of mind.... why can't u help me? why why why....

sometimes, all i want for, is just someone to say, "siim ann, are u okay? u know u can tell me anything."

as usual, my reply is, "haha, i'm okay la, everything's fine."

i just can't help but wish someone would just continue saying, "u sure u are okay? don't bottle things up. just tell me, okay?"

i'm the kind of person that just needs to be pushed in a way. deep down, just really hope someone could just ask me to tell them what's wrong. is it only that friends whom know u for very long are able to do that? judge me as i am, the person that they know, instead of the circumstances that surround them? kind of down recently, and i wanna thank mz for cheering me up all the time. =) however, things are still not going really well, and everytime i wanna call someone, i'll just stopped. i don't know why, somehow, i can't really pinpoint what's wrong, but i'm not feeling really good.... don't really wanna bother anyone....

i'm an optimistic kind of person. and i can portray that easily in front of people. behind that, there are many tears and heartache.... i'm trying my best to be happy. u could say i'm desperate. i want to regain the old me...

i don't want anyone to sympatise with me. be nice to me because of other people. why not ask yourself if that's what u really wanna be? it's all smiles in front of everyone else. behind the facade, what lies beneath, is so scary. how can people portray something and yet another, yet professes to be true. ain't that hypocritical? i do that sometimes, but i'm true. i see people as friends, as people. yet, it's just one-sided on my part. i don't want to lie and say that everything's fine. other people may be able to do that, to get some benefits, i can't.... be fake.... i can't....

will i ever be myself again? i ask myself just now.... when are the happiest in uni? it's the first year, i realise... i thought the happiness would last. and yet, they are cruelly ripped away from me, by people, who in all essence, simply, put themselves first.... perhaps, that's really practical, but under every human being is just someone with feelings.... i don't know, don't know what i'm gonna do. just understand, i don't want to get hurt anymore, it's a painful process to get out of... either from friendship, BGR, betrayal..... i've been hurt enough, and i don't want to be hurt anymore.... pls, really, no more....

will i get out of my dumps? i pray to God, for peace.... thank you.

2007-01-30T23:16:00.000+08:00

tired. sick. disgusted. by the workings of people. i've finally realise when u are worth nothing in people's eyes. it's kind of sad, but i'll get used to it. everyone's practical. even though the stubborn me took sometime to grasp this concept, at least, i've seen people at their worse. there's more awaiting me, but it's all the learning process ain't it?

i hate it when people prove me right. what can i do? the ending is what everyone wants. the dilemna that started initially... perhaps, i should just seek my own happiness... and then, i questioned, what is happiness? by ignoring those people, i get happiness? i don't. but i feel alot better if i don't ever see them in my life again. but that's just running away, ain't it? sometimes, if only problems can be resolved just by the act of running away. i'll be so damn happy.... dun worry, i'm not arrogant. i don't mind people ignoring me, because, i'm doing it too... life's fair in that sense...

for a while, i've been thinking of everyone. trying my best to maintain the status quo. and what did i get? people talking negatively about me, people disliking me... and all behind my back. for the simple me, it's damn hurting. i really wonder, what did i really do that's wrong? making friends? i don't know... really don't know... hwee min asks me to give some time to myself, away from people who hurt me, and think about what i really want... somehow, the answer is just staring into my face. why play with fire when u have already been burned not once, but twice. for once, think for myself, at least, let me feel that i'm doing something for myself for once....

i really don't have anyone at all. u guys have. yet, u are still selfish. perhaps, it's just me, my expectations of selflessness, that i've place too high on others too... no matter what, perhaps, just stop thinking for others, doing things for them, that they take for granted. if it's really that easy to change the mindset... i should stop crying about this. as everyone says, it's simply not worth it. i'm not like the norm, see people as practical beings, i just can't. to me, they are people, with life, their own uniqueness, their character. every individual is different. u want me to use them as the way they used me, i can't. maybe that's why i'm running away....

i don't want to die in this environment... i want to emerge as a survivor.... can i? i think i should have no problems... God give me the strength to go through this, and i will....

no more shit every semester. it should stop once and for all.

2007-01-27T23:30:00.000+08:00

i was late for piano lessons today. on purpose? perhaps... just felt really tired today, which is very weird, because, i have more than adequate sleep.... the usual i have when i have piano lessons the next day. one good thing is that i no longer dread piano... i love the feeling of grasping a new song, and breathing new life into it, my air that is... =) i was really tired, almost fell asleep in the cab today, even almost slept while teaching my students, really bad attitude man... don't understand my lack of focus... the weather plays a large part, perhaps, emotionally tired too?

was quite sorry about the accounting discussion yesterday... i was really quiet, went through quite a bit, and really not in the best of mood... but gonna regain myself back again... it's school work, and supposedly, it's the most important thing of all...

now where do i start? i really don't know, the subsequent paragraphs are gonna be mad ramblings, you have been warned...

fucking idiot. i have done nothing to u, yet u say negative stuff about me behind my back. i don't know what u say, i don't have to know, but i can somehow guess, whatever u say, it's to glorify u. make u come out being someone reasonable and understanding. i don't know your reasons for doing so, but let me say something, i have never bad mouthed u in any way towards anybody. if you don't wanna work with me, just tell me straight in the face. i'm not like any other people, who fawn over u, see u as somebody useful, and refuse to jeopardise their relationship with you whatsoever. i'm not that kind and will never be that kind of person.

i may be a walking reminder of your dishonesty towards ur girlfriend, and that's your fucking problem. not mine. my problem is that i let u 2 becoming my fucking problem. i have resolved everything on my side already, u don't wanna be friends with me. fine. u wanna pretend that i don't exist. fine. u don't want me to let your marriage be ruined. fine. i can deal with all that. but u choose to see me in a negative light, and what the hell, did i ever do anything to warrant u to talk behind my back. there's something called 2 can play this game. my life was good before u came along. u initiated everything, and u choose to stop everything. fine. i let u do what u want, but, u cross my path time and time again. can u spare me and just leave me alone? why can't u let me go just like that, why must i always be reminded of u again and again. u started this, don't ever come question me when there are consequences. remember, i'm not your puppet, i don't need u, stay out of my life.

i do understand that not everyone exhibit the same liking towards one another. what the hell, just tell it straight into my face alright. it wasn't so long ago that u have so much things to say to me that u don't even bother to sleep. so crap, i may be something that u don't like, i don't know whatever reason that is, dont' do things behind my back. hypocritical, that's just u. leave me alone, it's too late already. u have made me do things that u might regret. just fuck off...

hahaha. i thought everyone has brains, but u seem to lack one. be so influenced by what others say of me. congraulations. u have officially become a follower. u have made it perfectly clear that u don't want to be too involved with me. i grant u your wish. i have been a fairy godmother all the time, letting people do what they want to me, and this is what i get? so, it's just one more time, u get your wish.

i'm just a simple girl, out to widen my social circle, make good and lasting friends. they don't necessarily have to last, hell, i'm a practical girl. but be sincere and true? i'm affected, because, it really shows human nature ain't? i choose to see the good in people yet i'm thrown with this kind of shit.... i'm really tired, and emotionally drained. perhaps, now, really see people as they really are... superficial, hypocritical. nobody really has the guts to stand up to another, just talk behind one another. they think that there's no point? haha, is that really it?

i will remember that nobody has bothered to print a copy of the notes for me, i will remember that i do think about others when i print the notes. u guys wanna spell things out so clearly. fine. u know, it's really not fun playing this game alone. i'm all ready...

2007-01-18T00:51:00.000+08:00

i was wrong all these years. 7 years to be exact. of all things that i thought about, this particular reason has never occurred to me. perhaps, it has been hindering at the back of my mind at some times or another, i did not particularly go into great lengths to decide if that was true or not. i wasn't exceptionally taken aback nor was i strongly feeling sad when i was informed rather suddenly about the news. it has already been so long, the time period did not warrant me to be sad this time round. was i glad that u told me? i don't really know. it's been so long that the reason does not seem that important after all. what is important that i know we both treasure this friendship alot. simply, i'm glad that u are always there for me no matter what. thanks a lot.

it was an emotional draining night. the stress of entering the TV theatre, the stress of getting there on time made me very tired. the chat wasn't really, but i felt really vulnerable while i was showering. i broke down. i was shocked that i broke down. i didn't really expect it and it just happened. i can't really pinpoint a reason, except that, these few days of thinking about my life, the people around me, circumstances and situations have taken a toil on me. no matter how strong a person is, there is bound to be vulnerablities, it really depends on how much u want people to see. i choose not to let this part of me present itself a lot, i don't really want to handle the questions, answers that i do not have.

i realise: i'm very afraid of looking into your eyes. i do not want to see the concern that u have for me. it is all so prevalent, you are not very subtle at hiding this kind of things. no matter what i tell people, i find it hard to forgive u, and i don't know if i ever will. others might find me foolish, stupid, childish, or even immature. perhaps, different people have different ways of dealing with things, and this is my choice. i'm still undecided if i should collaborate with u. is the emotional upheaveal worth it? sacrificing my "happiness" just to challenge my emotions. u ain't know it till u try it right? it's really all so easy to say it then to do it. i'm running away, i'm not proud to admit it, but i am pulling away. from your searching eyes, from everyone, from everything. i'm afraid, more than anything else right now, to commit in anything. i don't want to get hurt anymore, in friendships, relationships. will someone give me a reason to change my stance?

i felt the past familiarity in career class today. it's been a long time since we communicated without searching glances, questioning tones or even heavy undertones. it felt good. why hasn't it been this way all these while? did i really let someone destroy our friendship? did we let others spoil everything? perhaps, it's really a little bit of everything. is the solution right before our eyes? i don't have the answers.... we have to search for it i suppose, perhaps, at the finale, we are just looking for the perfect combination.

i'm tired. much more than i think. the coming weeks, gonna start with sch work seriously.

thank you mz.....

2007-01-15T14:12:00.000+08:00

right now, in FAL, gonna blog down my thoughts before they run away, again. haha. just had lunch with gera. felt quite weird with her friends, so beat a hasty retreat. actually, i realise that i've been quite myopic in NTU, largely due towards the people i'm with i guess. after a while, u start to generalise that everyone is the same as your clique, u realise that they are not. from now on, gonna remove my sunglasses. not everyone is black... =)

it's also quite difficult to talk to people whom u have not spoken to for a long time. perhaps, the lack of familiarity, or simply, that people have change. it's quite scary, u thought u know someone this way, actually they are not. should have gotten used to it by now, i have been exposed to this for a long time already. but somehow, the realisation is always so new. or is it just me? the fact that i've always trusted people. not that they have not met up to my expectations, simply, people just change. perhaps, all of us should just take a step back and really question your contribution and existence, then, maybe u learn a lesson, much valuable than what u gather in the classrooms.

the political model is so perfect and priceless, yet none of us are able to achieve it. not all of us want to achieve it. my point is, i wish i have the courage to step above and embrace what i really want. that's also room for thought. what an example the tutor made this morning. haha, life's really funny, if u can actually see ur life as a joke. yet. it's much simpler than acknowledging myself as a shadow. not concrete at all. the purpose for existing is just to fulfill another's loneliness at one point. it's pathetic and sad, yet it's my life. so kind of glad for all the things i have right now, neither concrete nor tied down. not gonna risk getting hurt again.

gonna rush for lessons now... sianz.... so long...

2007-01-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

sch has started for a week already, i'm not really settled down yet. i have to cut down on my TV shows right now. damn it, sch has really started at the wrong time. haha, or is it the other way round? time is what we give ourselves, so gonna play abit for another week before really coming down on my readings! because, i'm gonna go watch superstar next week!! can't wait! after the visit to mediacorp the other time, got a sense of what my mom is really doing. like the experience, perhaps, any kind of thing that doesn't tie me down appeals to me greatly.

have not been blogging for a long time. did anyone miss me? haha. caught blood diamond last friday. it's a darn great movie. pls go watch it!! it's abt the diamond trade, how what we see as the final product, the shiny thing, some of them are from mines, where the workers are being forced against the will to work there. many separatists roamed the country, the people are killing against one another, just to satisfy the demand for diamond. to gain the foothold that no one, or the other competitors cannot penetrate. have not watch such a meaningful movie in a long time.... =)

seems like many thoughts to blog, but somehow, they refuse to come and hit me fully so that i want to blog it down. strange. usually, i'll just blog any thoughts at any time. perhaps, the non-availability of my laptop has prevented more habits from forming, or simply, disrupted my habits. haha. after a long time, i've made my choice. is it a good or bad one? who knows? i don't know. just know that, i will not regret anything, that's me, even if it's a bad decision. disgusted by how i've turned out, gonna do some damage control that really reflects more of myself. at least, when i put on a mask everyday. do u change ur mask often too?

okay, my sis is screaming at me, when it's my laptop. till the next time...

2007-01-09T18:47:00.000+08:00

finally have the time to sit down properly to blog down my thoughts... first of all, my bday party... i wanna thank all who took the time to come down and celebrate my 21st bday!! really appreciate it a lot.... the presents were nice too... haha... thanks guys...!!

haha, on my bday too, all the well-wishers for remembering, esp, my pri sch best fren, oon tang... really surprised that u remembered... =) there are simply too many... haha... so thanks everyone...

this sem looks set to be a hectic one... gonna try to work hard, in the sense, at least read the readings before the lessons... haha.... hopefully, the online activities can be put aside in time for my studies to come into place... hmm, have starved off the lappy for a while, think i could make it somehow... hee... oh my, i still haven't type my minutes yet... *groans*

somehow, something's not settled yet... would i get my way? i often do not... so, shall go accordingly to the circumstances i guess... life's irritating with all the trivalities....

2007-01-09T01:48:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SIS!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

THANKS TO ALL WHO WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

THANKS FOR ALL THE PRESENTS!

will update more.... *winks*

2007-01-03T23:07:00.000+08:00

it's really a long time since i've last blogged. so what have i been busy with? haha, actually nothing major, but lots of TV!!!! soon, the good times will be gone soon... no more TV.... school is starting... really dreading sch in a way, not so much of the sch work, rather... well, don't really want to talk much about it, just hope that this coming semester will not be what i imagined to be... haha, have always been optimistic. this time, it's no exception.... =)

have always done a reflection on the past year about the different categories of my life. this time round, don't really want to do that. just want memories to remain just as memories, be it good or bad, just want to be at peace with myself. have achieved that, really don't want anything to disrupt this calmness. i want peace for everyone no matter what. that's just my wish...

results this time round, there's an improvement, however, as usual, didn't do well enough considering everyone's results. in the past (rather, since JC days), it somehow, matters quite a lot to me, perhaps, been hanging too much around results-oriented people. not that i can blame anyone, that's just how the system works. not anymore, found my peace with regards to everything, including this terrible topic. haha, comforting myself? delusioning myself? no matter what, ultimately, i'm at peace, at that is what really matters.

really appreciate the people around me, who is true to me, no matter how elusive i have been, how i don't always cya.... however, my true friends are just a call away, and will always lend a listening ear... thanks for everything... u know who u are... treasure u guys alot!! =)

family, don't have to mention, love u all to bits!

last of all, treasure what u have, appreciate the people around u. sometimes, we often forget that we are spolit and keep blaming others.... even if we are spoilt, learn from it i guess, and treat people better!!!

new year resolution: peace.... =)

2006-12-27T00:05:00.000+08:00

the highlight of my day. went to watch 2 movies!!! the cursed of the golden pheony and the holiday!!! i absolutely love the holiday! kate winslet was really a joy to watch! it was so touching! the stories were what women really felt and the holidays seem to solve most of the problems... =) went to watch with both sisters..! =) haha.... had a nice time...!

actually, i had many thoughts... after a while, i thought, is it worth it? to translate all out? perhaps, when i've reached breaking point, i might just pour all that's in my heart. right now, don't think it's necessary though... after i have been to church, even before, i've always relish in the peace of my heart. i've gone by my motto of being true to people, regardless of how they treat u. if they hurt u, that's another case. i can't expect others to be like me, no matter how much a friend they might or might not be. i know, if i continue to be true, be myself, that is what really makes me as i am... =)

2006-12-26T01:20:00.000+08:00

i had a nice christmas today... went to the church of city harvest... if it was my first time at a church i would probably had a stronger feeling but it was not i guess... it felt really great to be at service, listening to Christ's sacrifice.... knowing that i'm here and am at peace is because of the Lord... i hope to continue to go to church more often. to which church though, that is still a question. still finding one that suits me... anyway, thanks alot to ym for bringing me there... =)

went to causeway point after that... the atmosphere was not bad.... seeing people walking around, basically shopping during the christmas period... went home to see teen's choice award... not bad...! haha.... fat britney spears though... went jogging with aunty after that... feels real good to exercise again! just found a great place to jog even with the rain! yay!!!

hope that tomorrow will be a nice day...!

2006-12-25T01:41:00.000+08:00

what did u guys do on christmas eve? haha... i had a fun time! my music sch, querubin music cove's principal organised a music teacher's gathering at her place... we had games, charades, memory game, and best of all, singing christmas carols... after that, it was just getting to know one another better... not a bad way to celebrate xmas eve!! went to get a white chocolate dream from coffee bean before heading for home... my first time trying that, it was not that bad! going to church tomorrow.... it'll be a nice christmas!!

sometimes, i think fate plays an interesting game on people... we were ahead of time before meeting the rest of the teachers... so i decided to sit to boon lay while at jurong east, so that we would have seats to buona vista... i wasn't at the usual carriage and was just commenting to my sis that i would kill her if he boarded the train with her. yeah, the most unusual thing just happened. sometimes, i wonder, do we really have this, i don't know, what u call, connection? i really can't find a better word. sometimes, i really can't help but question the game that is on us. i'm not imagining things, but when i have a strong feeling regarding him, it really happend. weird, really weird. anyway, as usual, i pretended that i didn't see him when he was directly opposite me. no mood to acknowledge him i guess. he did see me when i alighted, haha. but he didn't know i was on the train i guess... so yeah, keep this between my blog and the reader okay? thanks....

was chatting with bh these few days into the wee hours of the morning... bad timing man, feeling real tired nowadays, sleeping at most unusal timing... haha... somehow, we always talk about our experiences.... the thing is, he didn't want to make me sad... guess what...?! not feeling it anymore, i can even joke about it... believe it, when time heals all wounds, and soon, everything will and has become a memory.... trust me, bad or good memories, they will become just a distant memory... have faith...

okay, really have to go to bed already.... MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

2006-12-23T23:53:00.000+08:00

i'm now back from genting and KL! i have loads of fun there... not to forget the shopping!! when i say i'm broke, i'm really broke!! no more cash left, i really have to stop buying more things!! so, from now on, no more spending...!! and withdrawing cash! restraint! practise that!!

haha... it was fun hanging around with my cousins. they are just growing up and it's really lame and relaxing to tease them... gonna miss them when sch starts...

i forgot all that i have to face when i'm having the hols, it's kind of a downer when the hols ended... i started to think abt things, and it really suxs... what to do... reality sinks in. sometimes, i wish that i can be more firm like before abt things. when i have decided on some things, i just make the decision at once. perhaps, lesser things at stake before compared to now... don't really wish to be bothered with it right now.

bh is right. what is important is to be happy.... but sometimes, u wonder, at what expense? haha... perhaps, what i lack simply is the courage. well, yeah, that is the reality.

let's just enjoy the rest of the hols, and my bday. after that, sch will be starting...

2006-12-15T23:30:00.000+08:00

don't know why, felt so tired today. don't usually have to take afternoon naps during the hols, but i'm doing it now! and twice in a row!! haha, being a real pig...

had quite a nice day, heart-warming at least. went for facial in the morning, before heading to my aunty's hse to have a chat with her and twin sis. haha, it's really nice to talk abt stuff. u hear lots of gossip! esp abt their family lives... =) it' also made me question what human beings are really like, the people i can trust... it's quite scary.... haha...

tomorrow's gonna be a nice day, gonna celebrate ah mah's bday!!! yay! family dinner... haha....

really wanted to go church, the timing is not really nice.... yes, it's quite an excuse. sorry ym....

off to genting soon! don't miss me! haha...

2006-12-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

project superstar is so damn nice! the contestants are supposed to sing songs from the 80s-90s period. i was able to sing along to the songs, mostly by sky wu. woah, almost forgotten the simple yet heart-warming tunes that he sang! nice!

hmm, just some random thoughts... sometimes, i really can't expect anything much in return can i? since, in the first place, i don't have a place in their heart. sometimes, i really wonder, who can i really turn to. the bulk of them are people whom i spent most of my time with, but among them, they already have people who rank the far above me. where really am i? u may accuse me of being petty, calculative, well, anything. but perhaps, above everything else, i'm just being practical. really, who...? sometimes, when u articulate things out, it really is much better. i should stop all these praticality thoughts i guess, i know people around me care, i just need to pop by with initiative... =)

going to genting soon! and i can't wait!!! shopping! playing! bowling!!! haha....

students gonna have a concert this sunday. hope they don't diappoint me. don't think they will... =)

actually, i thought i would have blogged about this thing, i guess, i keep forgetting about it. simply, it really doesn't matter at all to me already. =)

2006-12-12T23:09:00.000+08:00

had just been thinking abt some things, was packing my room where i came across some postcards. it really made me wonder abt promises that people has made, feelings people had at a point in time. and then, i realise, how easily these things can change... u have always thought that things will not divert from the original course by a lot, but they can. promises made can break. and then, u wonder, how much can u really trust people to stand by u. well, thoughts, i'm sure grown-ups will think. in the sense that, u think more about stuff right now...

anyway, it's the hols, really shouldn't put too much thoughts into negative stuff... am enjoying life right now!! going shopping again! at chinatown tomorrow... gonna get stuff for the trip. in the process, maybe get some stuff for myself! haiz, need to lose weight so that i can fit into those nice clothes. admit it gals, who wouldn't want a better body... haha...

okay, gotta start planning for my bday soon!! =)

2006-12-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

it's been econs since i've last blogged. well, i've been quite busy lately, with many things to talk about!! so, i'm gonna blogg properly today!! =)

it's been a whirlwind week after the exams.... phew, the last paper ended on a wednesday. after that, met huiqi and hwee min, where we went to jp to have dinner first. i remembered, after much persuasion, we managed to request huiqi to stay up later! hwee min then drove us to the hilltop area near jurong island. the view was magnificient!! i loved it very much! talked alot, and i really enjoy the time very much. seldom do i really get to meet up with long-time frens, whom i know, will be there for me no matter what. thanks guys...! after that, hwee min drove me home, with the help of her mum of course. haha, the poor gal, she didn't know the way to my house... nevertheless, i made it home, and slept very late of course... hee...

the next day, wasn't worth mentioning very much, i had meeting. enough said i think... haha...

i had something on on friday. hmm, ahz, i remembered! went for a gruelling 6 hr kbox session. wah, it was quite nice, though, we need more singers. haha. after that, we went to vivocity for dinner with the uni pals. my first time there, if i wasn't that tired, i would most probably had appreciate the environment better. i like candy empire though, nice place to purchase gifts for people. bought nice biscuits for family!!

okay, i look like i am reiterating what i have been doing, well, i really want to remember the wonderful memories i have. i'm such a forgetful gal, and i might forget things easily!!

saturday, is the usual piano lessons, really missed piano lessons quite a bit, the music lessons are getting challenging right now. so, i really must perform my best!!!

sunday, the original plan was simply just to go catch casino royale with ym, a movie that i really wanted to watch for a long time! alas, it was not meant to be. the tickets were sold out, and we watched flag of our fathers in the end. i loved the movie! it contained lots of history admist all the gory fighting scenes. it really takes a picture to tell what people want to see, hear or believe. after that, i went to sentosa!!!!

it was one of the best days of my life. i went with my aunty and her family, upon her request of course. =) nothing much happened the first day, as it was already quite late when i met them. i went to watch the musical fountain!! i've loved the musical fountain since young, rather have much of an affinity with it. been there a couple of times, and i never fail to catch it! loved the beautiful formations! the next day, went for the luge ride, must really thank my uncle for it! after that, my cousins went swimming while i watched over them for a little while. went to play pool with my uncle after that and i won! haha, play table soccer, which was really fun too! i think i enjoyed this particular day very much, it's due to the fact i'm hanging around the kids, and they really bring out the fun in u. u have lesser inhibitions, and u really let go. perhaps, have been feeling really down the previous days before, so, really enjoyed this particular day of just pure fun. went to dian xiao er to eat finally! courtesy of my uncle of course... =) nice nice food!!

crash! after all the fun, it's back to reality... had the ntu biz plan competition camp. before i go into that, must mention my first time having steam boat at marina! it was quite a nice experience for a first time. went there with yoke, yoke's roomie and peishan. it was pouring literally, but we had a nice van to drive us there. i killed a prawn! feeling real guilty abt that, well, feeling quite alright i guess. just that it was an experience that i'm not likely to forget for a long long time... hopefully, i have another opportunity to go there! cos it's usually with family members that u pig out! haha!!

the next day was the camp. well, nothing much to say, except that it was a super slack camp!! the kids i was supposed to "look after" were from nj... well, okay, it was quite nice, except that i could have done a better job after making such a gross mistake!!! but then, their attitude was rather attitude, so, yeah. okay lah, just take it for the experience i guess... came out knowing more people, that's more important ain't it? for networking purposes... haha...

glad that the camp was over... went out many days after that!! especially today!! went shopping with my aunties, sis and cousins! got a guess jeans.... and i absolutely love my aunties to bits! together with my grandma (ah mah)!! they bought me my first diamond for my 21st bday! love them to bits!! muacks! muacks!!!! i love them very much and thank them for looking after me all this while!!!

so, that's about how i spent my days since the exams... haha, going to genting and KL next week... hmm, better enjoy myself before the results and semester starts! next, gonna plan for my bday!! hee, should be fun!! happy hols!

2006-11-28T13:36:00.000+08:00

damn. i shld be studying yet i'm on the com!! aargh! no matter what, i will study finish... =)

hmm.... running away is so easy ain't it? well, i guess it's the most foolproof plan of all. running away means that u don't actually have to face whatever u don't want to face. well, such excuses can be even thought by u to such an extent. okay, since u are a coward, i grant u your wish. let's just stay away from one another. why make things so difficult. since u find it such a chore, that such an effort is needed to communicate with me. forget it.... everyone one is selfish, i'm no exception. in anything, whatever that i have put into, i need some returns too. that's just only fair. it's really a simple case of things being left too long. and then, it turn stagnant, leaving only emptiness in what was actually a beautiful beginning. well, life's too short for any of us to dwell on anything for far too long. move on... u already have. i already have. i guess, the only remaining to do is simply just to forget it. it makes things much easier.

people are strange. some things warrant more thoughts, they just pretend. on stupid things, they actually dwell on it.... weird...

okay, back to studying!!! focus!!

2006-11-26T15:29:00.000+08:00

i've changed. i realise that these few days. perhaps, this change is not the kind where u suddenly realise that wow, i've changed. but rather, through experiences this year. is it a good or bad change? well, i don't know. a coin has to sides, and this is no exception. perhaps, when the effects of the change are more pronounced, will i then announce a verdict i guess...

just hope that things at home will be fine... haiz. don't understand why, it's everytime during exams that things happen.... =(

2006-11-24T22:54:00.000+08:00

2nd entry for the day. i can't help but want to say some suff... why are people so afraid to admit their weaknesses? why do people purposely avoid your questions?? why are people so afraid to see what they really are? why...?

i thought love is suppose to make a person better. instead it made u turn away from the fundamentals where u are from... it doesn't make u a better person, instead, it seemed to have turn u into something worse. i'm disappointed. perhaps, i have to understand that not everyone is like me, who understands that underlying everything, how u come into the world, how u have been brought up, couldn't have been totally attributed to u only.

u are the one who was so valiant and brave in protecting your own beliefs and statements. however, when it actually comes down to doing what u say, u are actually a coward. u bully, say and do spiteful things. when someone is angry or pissed, u do stuff back, but rationally. however, u spite. i really hope u can see underneath all the makeup u are really just this kind of person. yes, that is what i can see. well, if u firmly believe that u have what it takes to mete out punishments of your own merit, what u believe, then good for u. one point to note, love doesn't always make u someone better.

u know why it is sometimes so very difficult to make someone say something? u actually ask a very simple and direct question. the kind that merits no complexitiy in answer. yet, people always evade u to answer.... and then, the result? you are labelled as someone who in simple words, who tend to have their own beliefs abt something. i understand why is it tiring. things to me, are very simple. just ask, get the answer, problem solved. others just want to make things difficult, then evade, in the end, more issues and problems crop up. perhaps, i'm just not in a very good mood right now. i just want to vent alright. really, why does things always turn out like that. sometimes, u want to be understood. sometimes u just want to understand. must there be such a game to play? i really don'y understand.

yes, i'm in a bad mood...

2006-11-24T21:55:00.000+08:00

the first thing that i thought when i did the acc2 paper was that the topics are familiar. where, the topics that i study relatively well and in-depth were familiar and that logically speaking, i should be able to answer. i thought i did too. for the first time, u know the topic, u know what to do. yet, i was at a loss.... don't even really know what to do. and the feeling gets heavier and heavier, the idea that something is wrong. it's the first time i ever had such a feeling towards a paper. damn. and i really gave my best. it's to the extent that i felt like crying halfway. i just hope now that what i gave was really my best. pls, just let me pass.....

am i really that untrustable... whenever there's good news, i find it hard to contain it within myself... i just have the urge to share it. that's not really an excuse i guess. but to me, i never really thought of hiding one thing from another, because, simply, we are family, and to me, there should be no secrets between family members. i just gather this is something that others can't understand. i should not hope for others to understand at all, because, it's just too complex.... and i should just understand that family members should aid one another in treating one another like strangers... just understand them... i do... so maybe i should really just learn to keep my mouth shut....

there are many instances whereby i question myself. how much i can keep to myself, how much i tell others. i think i can justify for myself in this way. i share alot with people. i have this ability to really just talk abt myself and get others to talk abt themselves. so, to me, i don't really think we have to purposely hide things. this is probably incongruent with what most people think... they have some part of themselves that they want to hide... i should learn to understand that too... haiz, really, in life, we have to learn alot from others... to help in learning ourselves more....

i keep... no, i can't help but think a little of what this period would be.... sometimes, when i look at u, i can't help but think that all of this should belong to me. not a very long time ago, it did belong to me. and i know, u did not take it away. the blame, if there really is any, is that i was being taken for granted and unappreciated. even if i'm not, i can't help but wonder, will i still have all that belong to me in the first place. or subsequently, it will all be slowly but surely drained away... are all relationships like that? when someone finds someone to replace u? u will just be a distant part of someone's memory, or not even at all. it's so scary, how people can be so easily replaceable. i've always beg to differ from yoke's point... i believe that not everyone can be replaceable. but often then late, i keep having these thoughts... i can't help but think forget it, why bother to mend a distant and broken relationship. is it really worth it? don't know... really tired....

haiz. i must adhere to my studying timetable. i must not let a repeat of today happen again. must do my best for the rest of the papers.... all the best to everyone...!

2006-11-22T16:03:00.000+08:00

seldom am i at a loss on what to blog... haha.... after thinking for a while, i've decided what to talk abt... and no, not gonna start with the exams... =)

so, i was rather taken aback when my younger sis commented on my msn nick, which in other words, was proclaiming my singlehood and independence.... she asked me to remove it, saying that i'm announcing it to the whole world. my first reaction was, so? i was not overtly concerned abt what others may think abt it... so, this comes to my main point. i suddenly realise that i've never thought much abt how others might think of me. in a personal capacity that is. i mean, life's really short, and having to encompass all that others are thinking abt u, ain't it very tiring?

the truth is, i do care very much so abt who might think of me, which is only applicable to ppl whom i care very much abt. and what they say do affect me very much, it also depends on what issues that is. the people who affect me the most are my parents.... after that, not many people can affect me on to a large extent. especially with what they say. issues, they do... however, after a while, when it gets repetitive, it also loses it's impact rather quickly.....

perhaps, that is why so, i'm quite a happy-go-lucky person. i let go of things relatively fast. well, things to do with my love life, i don't really get over it that quickly though. haha, channelling the wrong energies in the wrong places i guess... well, i'm kind of glad of the way i treat and deal with issues... not letting things affect me is quite a good way. however, my advice is not to let too many things not affect u, because, after a while, u realise it takes a lot to rock the boat in the sea. and when things do shake me, they shake really hard. the imapct is more than what u can take... yupz, so, moderate things i guess... haha...

so, the exams... i'm slacking too much already. right now, i should be studying!!! help! well, i'm gonna try my best to finish as much as possible. if only i'm not so easily distracted by people!!!! always talking when i should be studying!! haha....

hopefully, i can watch superstar tonight. but i don't think so! so much stuff not done... i'll see how it goes i guess.... i must do well!!! stop playing!!!

2006-11-21T10:50:00.000+08:00

it's such a lazy day!! just refused to get out of bed!! haha... yes, gotta start studying soon... but just let me enjoy my morning first... =) watching mtv at you tube!! haha...

had a nice time with yoke yesterday at can 2 after the paper... we hadn't talk in ages... for the rest of the paper, we must all try our best okay!

okay.... i've watching too much videos... forgot what i wanna blog... haha... come back later...

2006-11-18T21:18:00.000+08:00

okay, the topic that i will start first will be of course, about the upcoming exams... haha.... just hope that i study finish what i intend to. and seriously, pray that everything stays in my head! haha... really can't wait for it to be over man....

okay... what shall i talk abt today... hmm, perhaps, about family i guess... these few days of studying at home actually foster stronger relation between my dad and i... haha... gratified in a way, as it shows that my dad and i are not that far apart as i thought... no matter what, i do appreciate my parents... a lot, sometimes, in the asian context, we do not show how much we love them and how much they love us, we must be sure that they do... too bad, they are my parents... haha....

quite happy in a way, that my thoughts nowadays are mainly focused to getting the information in my head... however, other thoughts do creep in here and then... or more specifically, i will think of thoughts during last semester, during this period... luckily, those thoughts float away relatively fast, or i will seriously die for not being focused enough! haha... many thoughts also tend to drift inside me.. well, perhaps, will address it when i have more time to articulate out carefully what i want to say....

guess what?! u never know how much tv shows are actually interesting when u start watching them... haha, well, i'm a miracle ain't i? watching shows during exam period... haha.... sometimes, think i slack far too much... well, the time is already spent, no point crying over split milk... was watching prison break today... didn't realise that it's very nice! will try to catch it after exams... then with superstar! omg! i love it!!! talents are great this time round and i hope i can learn more songs... haha...

okay... back to studying i guess... =(

=) for it to end so soon!!!

2006-11-17T00:22:00.000+08:00

it's always at this time of the night that i really feel like calling it a day and just go to sleep. however, i remeber that i really have tons of studying that doesn't seem to subside any moment that i try to study and hope that everything goes in... studies, don't know whether i've put in enough or not, but i'll certainly do my best... my most feared subject is surprise surprise, acc2, and i really hope i muster enough confidence and not just the usual slack attitude which usually result in a grade that is below expectations. or worse, passing grade. just that, i must know that i know... something like that... haha...

sometimes it's really hard when u are caught in the middle of things. for instance, u say u can't trust me on this, i was like, what the heck, what do u want me to do? selfish, that is what i call u. if u don't want to tell me, let me know, it's really fine. ultimately, u want me to support u, and the end result? things that u do not want to hear. so, after that, i'm guilty of giving u the wrong information? in either ways, i'll be labeled something. why not then, look into yourself, whether u are living a lie or not? if u really is fine with that, then, u learn to live with it. because, u will get punished sooner or later. at the expense of family? selfish. u always think of yourself, how the whole damn world has did something to u. what abt u yourself? what have u done that is so great and that is needed to be jotted down in history books? ask yourself this, before u start blaming the whole world for every single thing. u are just plain selfish.

i'm really sick at how things go round sometimes. fine, u don't trust me. wth. and u expect things to go on as usual, u can probably do that, but i can't, becuase i can't stand liars. u want me to be on your side or whatever, i'm just your sister. hope that u are rational enough to know what is right or wrong. no one has betrayed u alright. it's just how things work out sometimes. and if u insist on persisting in something that u know has no future. good luck again, u need it to fight the war.

i will do well in my studies! i will do well in my exams! i will, because, simply, i have to...

2006-11-15T23:53:00.000+08:00

it really has been a long long time since i last blogged.... properly blogged... well, not for any particular reasons, just that, don't think that anyone wanna read abt my preparation for exams, or rather the lack of it... haha... so far, been feeling relatively quite calm abt studies, albeit, lagging. i'm still hopeful that i can finish studying everything. well, i have come up with a contingency plan, which is to not really sleep much during the exams when it start next monday. haha, well i survive it? when i have been sleeping much too much!! haha...

okay, truth to be said, my mind is not really on my studies. i have some stuff bothering me and really, for once, it's not abt that person. surprise surprise...

i have always been rather careful to seem as though i'm not making someone functional or that i'm using them. to me, i don't want that to be the intention or anything, because, that is certainly not mine. however, it cannot really be helped since many a time, it will be seen as though the situation is such. perhaps, i'm sensitive, or not? i have been made used of by people and therefore has swore not to towards anyone. i'm really sorry if i have portrayed such intentions or even behaviour, it's really sucky.... sometimes, it's beyond my comprehension that everyone's thoughts seem to wander wildy and seems to settle far too much on the negative. i think simply, perhaps, in this event, i hurt people. i don't think until things happen. or i take action when things do actually happen. i just hope it's not too late and that people who care and understand will welcome my wrongdoings with a generous heart? thank you dears...

sometimes, or often than not, i've always thought abt isolation, loneliness, abandonment. these thoughts are plauging me very often nowadays. more than i care too admit. i don't understand why i let this insecurity come into me... perhaps, i'm really fearful of riverting back to the old me, riverting back to the old days, or simply, i'm afraid to be alone. i don't know, and i don't really want to question it. will i survive? probably i think. i have always been a surivior, sort of, fighter, sort of? i think, even though, i might not react fast enough, time will always aid any adaption process?

haiz, i really don't wish for any stuff to come between us. it's really like volcanoes, not knowing when things will erupt, a time-bomber, not knowing when it will explode. everywhere, everyone, it seems like i'm always on a high. is it that i give this kind of feeling to people? the instability? that i'm gonna run away on them anytime. the fear of trusting me anymore? hurt, yes, i am... but i'll cope with it too.

more often now, even when i'm surrounded by people, i find myself walking alone. thoughts of resentment are supposed to infiltrate me, but none came. am i that accepting of things? or perhaps, i've stop fighting for a losing war? that, things, will be like that. it's not that everyone's changing, it's just that i've not changed enough to fit the changing environment? i hope not, i can and i will adapt.... i refuse to see that i'm alone. because, i'm that stubborn, or delusional.... =)

dear yoke, jiayou okay... seldom talk to u because i'm seldom online.... no matter what, hope u are not stressed out and you can do it!! all the best!!

dear peishan, miss u lots! call me after exams and we exercise! good luck!

dear hui qi and hwee min, thanks for the encouragement, we'll play manz, that's the promise!!

okay, hope that my nose is better so that i can study with eyes wide open!!! and probably go running too... cheers!

2006-11-12T17:55:00.000+08:00

it's been a damn long time since i've last blogged... haha... well, nothing much has been happening except for the upcoming exams. which i think, cannot be considered as something exciting...? unless someone begs to differ...? anyone? haha, okay, been pretty lame...

anyway, celebrating jm's bday tmr... yoke, it's really for u manz... =)

haha... hope to have some fun tmr... pls, no studying?

perhaps, much thoughts to blog about, but they have been left on paper somewhere... hmmz. so that's abt it, i guess...?

jiayou everyone...!

2006-11-05T18:02:00.000+08:00

have u ever wondered what ppl are saying abt u? haha, for me, i usually talk abt others, more so, abt cute guys... so, ya.... good things, bad things? doesn't really matter. but it'll be really interesting to know what they are saying right? well, for stuff that i don't really wanna know, then heck. but sometimes, the playful side of me do really wanna know... kpo mahz... haha...

anyway, gonna mug at woodlands library indefinitely... so, anyone wanna join me, let me know alright? haha.. cheeers... good luck for exams everyone!!

2006-11-05T00:23:00.000+08:00

from today onwards, i'm gonna stop questioning, stop asking and stop wondering abt worthless things. i've found my inner peace abt 2 days ago.... and i'm glad i did. God is true. other things are not. that is what i believe.

2006-10-30T16:26:00.000+08:00

first and foremost, no more reports!! no more presentations!!! till to the end of the year at least!! haha... today's presentation was rather alright for me. i think this course has given me a certain amount of confidence whenever i present. thankfully, the tutor is not bad... but much to be said is still there... kind of stressed out by the failure to achieve. towards certain modules, have been procrastinating. i guess, no more!! have to really pull up all my socks and perform! study!! in the midst of it, i want to regain back my health=figure. haha, getting real fat nowadays, watching tv like nobody's business and eating lots!!! hopefully, my motivation will be there!

any kind of relationships is damn hard to maintain, either between lovers, friends, family, strangers, simply, any kind. there is really no right or wrong. perhaps, the only source for contention is the effort that is put into it, the feeling of whether u want to put in it to make it work. i sound like i know a lot, well, it's just from my own experience and what i observe. for my own experience, let's just put it aside for a while first.

yesterday, my parents were having a shouting match with my twin sis, and i was finding it hard to concentrate. luckily, it didn't escalate into something that is too major, otherwise, i would die seriously for my presentation. the point is, my sis has her own points and my parents theirs. both are reasonable. the solution simply is to recognise one another points, what are they saying, learn to give and take, accept some of the other party, and then, accept that u are wrong. this is a really good solution so that things can work out without turning relations into something bad. easier said than done. what abt inner feelings of pride? senority? life ain't that easy after all.

now, let's move on. the relationship between lovers. perhaps, i just happen to be "lucky" that i know of different situations of friends', sisters' relationships stuff. it actually taught me lots of stuff. between lovers, how do u measure if they are spending enough time together? how do u measure if one person is too reliant on another? how do u measure what the other party will feel if u are too tired? how do u measure when enough is enough? more importantly, how do u measure when the other person simply just want time for himself or herself? wow, do not ask me. it is really difficult to solve lovers' problem... haha...

ok, the next would be friendship. i've always thought friendship is not that difficult to maintain. as long as the heart is there, the effort is there, it is really enough. actually, this is really enough. what people usually didn't expect is the expectations that friends place upon one another. is it misplaced or displaced or already replaced? well, all of us have friends, it's really up to u to judge. i dare to say, i have always tried my best to be there for my friends. those that really mean to me, they will know. and i hope and really wish we have more happy years to come.

any more relationships? hmm, what abt the one that is between people u simply don't know how to face? i've taken the first step already. i started this "war" too. the question is, is there any right or wrong? i don't think so. u done what u think is best, i did too. if u ask me how to salvage the situation, i don't have the answer. i do think abt what u wld do, i don't even know how to react or even if i want to. pride, is that the downfall of everything? for me, i've never care much abt pride. i simply see it as something that has to be done. i did. and, let's just see?

the next, is simply, u don't know what the opposite sex think, especially if he's your damn good friend. i don't really know, but i can guess a little. the thing is, i don't think i'm wrong, because, i'm usually wrong and would not think that way. i really hope that i'm wrong, because, i don't know if i can return your good intentions. the seriousness i've given to this issue is rather colossal. right now, i really hope u do not come and do anything, because, i usually do not know how to reject anyone, just don't let me be in this dilemna alright. i'm not really for the thought that feelings can be cultivated in the sense that i don't really wish to cultivate anything like that with anyone yet. it's not that i'm not ready, i'm scared and dman full of apprehension. leave me alone?

haha. many relationships. long time since i've blogged so much. must be feeling rather euphoric after my freedom!! haha. going running later. there's something seriously wrong with my left ankle. but, well, if i'm in hospital, u know why okay? haha....

2006-10-26T20:33:00.000+08:00

dear sis... be strong k, sometimes, things happen for a reason because it makes u feel stronger after what u have been through. and if he really treasure it, and u do, don't do anything stupid okay?

guess maintaining relationships are not that easy after all... haha.... since i comment on others what more should be said abt myself? not very good at handling any kind of relationships at all... i guess... i don't understand sometimes why i understand ppl more than myself? shit... perhaps, it's really because the fact that i'm more mature. haha. just let me believe in that okay? i wasn't really surprised when i was told that u distance yourself from me on purpose. if there's anything to blame on, just blame it on my sensitivity.... i do sense things okay.... i didn't really think u would do that, but i wasn't surprised. just let me say, why are u so afraid of staying good friends with me? is there some inner demons that u are afraid of, or simply, u do not dare to face me? let me clarify, for my part, i have no more laundry hanging on my bamboo anymore. since the day i knew that u are going after her, i wish u all the best.

i didn't expect us to be as close as before, but i didn't expect u to do it on purpose. u are the one who told me that there was this connection between us, in your own very words. fine, i was skeptical, wth, u were the one who said it. and then, is this what u are afraid of? haha... u selfish bastard. in my uni life, i consider 2 ppl the most important in my everyday life, and u are one of them, a person whom i thought i could call my good fren. well, i do miscalculate, and i really did. u abandon me. u used me in your own capacity when u needed someone to talk to. and since in your own very words again, u didn't send the wrong signals, then why are u purposely doing another thing. distancing. haha. u want distance, i give it to u. more than 100%. as my motto goes, whatever u embark on, do it well. u are the one who initiated it, i fulfill it then. i have taken the first step in many things and i think it's time to retire....

i was surprised that u didn't tell her abt us. once again, i miscalcualted. anyway, if it's any concern, be fair to her okay? and even if someone who doesn't really want to know about your past, and all the crap abt how the future is all that matters, u are a mature person i believe. and i really think u should be fair to her, or you don't want to jeopardise your own chances? haha....

no matter what, i will say it once and for all. it really doesn't matter anymore. that i will feel hurt, angry.... all the shit k. i have moved on. the very first day that i heard u are going after her. the reasons for doing so, it doesn't really matter and i don't really want to know. just that, all that u have do, all the little things, i just hope deep down in your heart and conscience, be honest and face me. in whatever capacity, i never wanted to lose a good friend, till u force me up the wall. i'm a human being, and i do see things, distancing, whatever that u are doing. don't do things that u don't want ppl to do to u.

i can't be more honest then right now. u've miscalculated. i did too. perhaps, now, let's do the calculations together? no matter what, i faced u didn't i? if u persist, then let's do it together i guess.... it really takes 2 hands to clap.

i really had a nice time since a long time ago. besides a certain person. haha.... perhaps, sometimes, some people are really sweet to me and i remember. haha. so long...

2006-10-25T17:58:00.000+08:00

i used to be someone who doesn't feel much for relationships. it was only that stupid incident which got me into caring mode. and i realise that i'm slowly getting out of it. i think i understand why my sis was damn unhappy with me in the past. it used to be just me and her. in the hols, without much friends. it's this very thought that i think kept us from really forming close relationships with our friends. and in the event that we do, it's really those that we really treasure from the bottom of our hearts. perhaps, the expectations that we have towards one another, we transfer them to our friends too. it is not really justified. haha, who ask us to be twins?

many things surrounding me nowadays. not that i don't really wanna say it out, just that, i don't feel like talking about things anymore. it's because they don't matter anymore. i always wonder, what's the point in saying abt things when they mean anything at all sooner or later. i think life was much simpler in the past, perhaps, less ppl to mingle with, or rather, lesser "obligations" in a way. to the people because u and i know that we will be friends, but just friends.

what abt the ppl who really matter to u? sometimes, i really wonder how much i measure in someone's heart. but do i really? it has been a long time since i last did that. i cease to care that much, because, i'm afraid that if i place any more expectations, i will not get back what i had in return? i don't understand why we have let so many issues come between us? when, we had so much more to hold on to? that's my opinion in any case. perhaps, i always thought that u will always be on my side, and when i realise that isn't the case, it really suxs. but i guess, u re-orientate yourself again, to make urself believe that u are wrong.

i'm not a coward like many ppl are. or maybe coward is the wrong word. i don't see the need to depend on someone who perhaps in every way can help me. i guess, it's just me and u really don't have to agree with me. holding on for friendship? when u don't mean alot to me, it's really easy. how to make someone irrelevant to u? easy. erase the memories. i've done it before. and i really hope that u will not make me do it. haha. it really ain't fair to both of us. haha. perhaps, this is really me when i can do anything i see deem fit. just getting what i really deserve, some justice. and then, u may ask, all these for justice? yes... giving up on ppl who doesn't give shit loads abt u... why not?

i sound like a crazy and angry idiot. i think for a long time, i have stopped bothering much abt how ppl see me. i'm getting back this attitude which is, whatever. u can see me in anyway u want, as long as my conscience is clear. i'm not a very nice person to live with when i'm like that. what to do, if u can, then i really appreciate it. if not, as i say, give up...?

i told my sis, i'm gonna lose all my friends one day. haha. and u really wonder at the extent that i thought abt this issue. i did. and, perhaps, we'll see how it goes? maybe the cynicism in me has gone, and i start caring more than what i'm doing now? probably without this incident, i wld never care for ppl more than i thought i could. and right now. i really don't feel like embarking on diplomacy. i don't understand my disgusting attitude towards lots of things. sch, sch work, ppl. it ain't really anyone's fault, but mine. i think i'm trying to reduce the significance of my life.

haha. what a dumb dumb. hiya. don't ask me anymore. i don't really know what i am doing any longer. towards ppl, studies, sch. anything. myself even. maybe i'm killing myself slowly day by day. i don't know. yeah? just don't come ask me.

the happiest time of my life is spent at home right now. i always dread sch. it's not even from the committments that i have. i feel like hibernating. isolating. don't ask me why. just have this feeling. yeah. i know it's not healthy. anyone want to save me?

erasing memories. maybe i'm stopping myself from creating more. u ask me if that's right? healthy or not? i'll just ask u.... aren't u suppose to stop urself from feeling hurt? yeah.

2006-10-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

i'm really quite a bimbo this week. correction. i've been a bimbo this week. haha, that means i've been doing nothing constructive at all! die! haha. been watching the show, e mo zai ni shen bian. actually, it also means devil by your side. i'm such a dumb dumb. i can tear even when i watch a teen idol drama. haha. i was really reminded of my own experience. even though teen dramas are not reflective of reality, does it really deviate from the truth? i am very touched at how insistent that the ppl in the show fight for their love. perhaps, in reality, ppl don't do that because they deem it's impossible, or rather, the love is not that strong.

i've always believed that when u love someone, u are able to improve on the person and not because u want to change that person into someone he or she is not. haha. but that's just me, i've never ever been in love before. it's really the show getting to me... haha. actually, truth to be said, the story line is not that strong, or rather, the directing is rather weak. it was in a chronological order, so a little predictable i guess. haha. i like one phrase in the show: in this winter christmas season, let me draw the shapes of happiness for u. haha. i really like it. perhaps, there's very little drama, in the sense, the antics that the lovers do for each other are not overt, just simple and touching.

okay la, it was a really good distraction from the shit that i've been facing recently. not really shit but i guess, just not really up and happening. haha. i really have to do work now!!! been really flippant with my tutorials recently.

i'm really touched that my relatives are concerned abt me. always talking to me about my results, personal life. i really do appreciate it, because, i don't see them very often, yet they do remember and ask me. i always tell them, it's okay. i'm not that dumb. truth is, even if i'm suffering inside, would i tell them? for a moment, i really wanted to pour out everything. but i realise, i will not, it's really not worth it, for him.

it really funny sometimes how u can really relate to someone who has the same experience as u. more often than not, they will understand, and perhaps, tell u what u really want to hear. that's why, i think, some people is talkable to some issues and some are not. anyway, after talking to u, i feel really much better. it's like a great stone that is lifted out of me. as what the show says, i will always be by your side, protecting u. i know that somehow, among everyone, i'm not alone. there will always be someone out there, who understands. who is willing to listen.

after my aunt talked to me a little, or attempted to, i realise that, i was the one who made the choice right from the beginning. i didn't really expect us to fail the test. or rather, i really wanted to test how strong ppl's will and belief can be. i got my answer admist all the pain. was it worth? haha. since when has pain been willing and understanding to me? a lesson learnt, that really was it i guess... the decision i've made has really everything to do with it. for me, i really can't live and accept someone who has abandon me in every way. i know the consequences, but i welcome it. not really welcome, i accepted it. come what may, our affinity has ended already. i don't feel sad though, i've expected it. all those fear/insecurity in me, perhaps, it's just how much i understand u i guess. i forsee everything really well. everything fitted nicely into my vision. so, good luck to u in everything. some people are those that leave footsteps in the muddy water, they wash away. i have those who leave imprints. they are ones whom i know will never go away, no matter how far i go, no matter how bitchy i can be. they are there.

have not blogged in such a long while. this is the longest i have not blogged. perhaps, i really do not want people to see me. some things, they should be kept hidden as long as possible. the scars especially. they should not show at all. as the show says, do not try to be strong, u do realise that there are someone who's willing to share it with u. will i find that someone? do i want to? time will tell, God has made the plans for me. i trust You. it really is all there is to it. God, Jesus, i've chosen You right from the start.

2006-10-16T21:31:00.000+08:00

i'm getting back my identity, haha... that's good news. BUT, i'm not really sure it's the kind of identity that most can relate to.... perhaps, not used to seeing this part of me.... i've changed into somebody that i'm not, and seriously, perhaps, that is what is wrong. where is the dare? where is the heck care attitude? where is the moodiness? i've become someone, well, many say that is nice. but it is really not me. i have not felt really good in a long time, i've discovered that this is me and that nothing can take it away. haha.... so yeah...

i've always ignored ppl that i hate or rather, ppl that i really don't care. and i did it! i felt really at ease with myself. i've reached this conclusion. i have always cared abt the friendship, cared abt everyone, that things remain alright, i've cared that nobody is caught between us. but what is the result? i felt really miserable, i felt that nobody can understand. that is a misconception, perhaps, i didn't try hard enough to let ppl understand. right now, it is no longer important. i don't yearn to be understood anymore. i've cared too much, and it's time to let go. i will not force myself to be happy for them, i do bless them, but that does not mean i want to see them, that i want to let them know that i'm okay with it. i tried so hard, means and ways, telling lies, white lies, because i want to, let them love freely. what's the point? nothing ever is returned back to me. it used to hurt, i've let it go too. now, i want myself back. i want ME to be back. no more ms nice, no more acting, no more pretense. who cares? nobody will really care in the end when they have each other. that's it. i think i sound bitter. i will not lie. i have not forgive and don't ask me to. i can't do it now. bitter. maybe, to a certain degree. and i think the best way to do is to let go, be myself.... =)

i have lots of work to do. damn sianz. hiaz... how i wish i can play more... haha...

2006-10-14T23:58:00.000+08:00

some people relish in routine stuff, whereby things are the same, that they have something to fall back on. i realise that i'm not really that kind of person. materiallistically, yes, i am. i do want to be sercue with the fact that i have enough money to go round my life. however, towards things that i have to do, i don't really like it. that's why, i think i'm bored with sch nowadays. it has become a routine. the same things i do, the same ppl i meet, the things i discuss. perhaps, i do not have the anticipation of seeing the ppl i want to see, the ppl i want to talk to. because, i seldom get my wish. that's why, sch is such a chore. bored.

i need some challenge in my life. my studies? i don't know. not really worried abt it yet, till perhaps i start studying and realise how much i don't know. that is still at the back of my mind.

happiness is a choice. i realise that. i have been coping well. i think i'm bored with life that's why i keep finding things, to keep my mind busy. dumb? always causing myself more harm than necessary. well, that's just me i guess. haha. it is gonna be my new motto. from now on, no more bothering much abt others' opinions. since when has mine mattered? i feel much better.

my aunt treated us to crabs! really wonderful crabs! haha, love it! thanks!!!

just watched crossroads and the song reminds me of something. haha. my youth.

i'm not a girl, not yet a woman - britney spears

I used to think
I had the answers to everything
But now I know
Life doesn't always
Go my way, yeah...

Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize...

[Chorus]
I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between

[Verse 2]
I'm not a girl
There is no need to protect me
Its time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own
I've seen so much more than u know now
So don't tell me to shut my eyes

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

But if u look at me closely
You will see it my eyes
This girl will always find
Her way

I'm not a girl
(I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe)
Not Yet a woman
(I'm just tryin to find the woman in me, yeah)
All I need is time (All I need)
A moment that is mine (That is mine)
While I'm in betweenI'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time (is All I need)
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman

2006-10-13T23:50:00.000+08:00

to u: thank you for the dinner today. haha, it was rather unexpected but i enjoyed nice pizza!

to u: didn't realise i was that down until i chatted with u just now. really made my day. thanks alot. haha... i will be your date one day.... haha....

to u: this is the most difficult of all. i asked my sis a question today. will u avenge me by being on my side, after what he has done to me? she says, perhaps no, most like no. the reason i asked her was because i wanted to know if what i am feeling is unwrranted for. yes, i don't expect everyone to feel like me, that's why i need to seek more opinions on this matter. i realise that i have resented till now, that u are not on my side more than i feel u should. it is really unjustified that i should feel this way. that's just the way i am. i do think alot abt ppl, when i feel threatened by others. yes, i admit, i don't like others to come between us. but it has already happened. i don't know if i'm coping it in the right way, perhaps i am. but i do resent that the four of u will somehow have your own world that excludes me. if u do not see why i'm not very happy at that, then there's nothing more i can say. i'm not asking u to stop or not to do anything, u see, i need more time to cope with it. i don't like ppl to run away from me. if i do get the feeling, in order to prevent me from being hurt, i will run away first. i don't want to be hurt anymore. i have a history that is not very nice and if u want to do it to me, pls let me know first alright? don't ask me what i'm resenting, because i don't even know. all i know is that i'm not very happy nowadays, and i don't know why. i'm not taking it out on anybody, or asking anyone to do anything abt it... that's just the way i am.

to me: i hate sch nowadays. i have never felt this way for a long time. i have been looking forward to school since uni. it's only recently that i feel the need to be away from it. have been poning sch nowadays, and i have never done that in a long time. yeah... things are changing. well, what the heck. they are.

my results suck big time. i know what's wrong. and the sad thing is, i need to do more abt it. hiaz.

i guess, i really am really wallowing in alot of self-pity. but well, i think i have abt enough of thinking of the big situation with everyone in mind. what i am planning to do will not have a difference to anyone, and that makes sense of everything. i'm not causing hurt and that is enough for me... cheers, i guess...

2006-10-09T20:50:00.000+08:00

i'm very very very very tired. i need to sleep seriously. i was standing on the train on the way back. can u believe it? i was sleeping too. yes, i'm really very tired. this week is not gonna be a nice week, i have many datelines to meet. and for the first time in my life, well, since year one at least, i have never felt that there are actually stuff that i cannot accomplish even if i don't sleep. i need lots of luck man. really.

sometimes, i hate it when people make promises and never keep it. i do that sometimes, but it was towards little things. things that don't really matter. u have made me a promise, but i think u have never guessed that in your life, u can never keep it. don't ask me, i have never thought it too. why did u make me the promise? when all i see them now, are just unfulfilled and empty. it is with this, that i did what i did. there really is no right or wrong in this matter. i see it as a natural course of things that would happen and is happening. i'm beyond the part whereby i'm so intent on thinking whether it hurts or not, because i expected it, i can cope with it. just that, u are the one who made the promise, and yet, somehow or another, i'm expected to fulfill your promise for u. can u understand? it ain't working this way.... there's only a limit that i can do. pls understand.

it's really sickening to see things sometimes. i thought that people would at least adhere to what they say, but they didn't. once, twice, is alright... but all the time? sometimes, i really do wonder how am i going to react to it? pretend i didn't see it? how to? just act as though it's so normal even when i'm not that comfortable with it... i sound bitter? correction. i'm not. it's just irritating, and really, i don't have to witness it. yet i am... the irony of it....

four little black birds sitting on a tree.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

(you get what i mean)

life suxs.... does it? because u think it does... acutally it doesn't, i have so much more to live for and better. and that doesn't involve someone, any obligations at all. just to myself, i'm selfish this way. i like to preserve myself. right now, really, don't disturb me, i'm not really in the mood to see....

2006-10-08T21:53:00.000+08:00

i'm getting quite bored with my layout and design already. shall change the design and everything after the exams.... haha, must source for a new one with nice design that really shows myself! any suggestions? perhaps all blood red... haha...

this is a really bad time to want to watch tv all the time! haha.... finally, other things than the com to distract me.... instead of spending more time on more appropriate things like studies, i watch the tv... haha.... and i'm not feeling guilty! save me!

much work to be done... oh no! starting to feel the heat already.... really lots to be done... i must do well, i must do well, i must do well, i must do well... how many times i have told myself this, yet i don't seem to be doing anything to make this come true! i really don't want to disappoint people who care and most of all, myself.... good luck man...

i got a feeling i have lots in me yet somehow, i really don't know how to say it out. i have not been thinking abt many things... friends, family.... somehow, i only allow myself the luxury to think abt intangible things only when i'm walking.... running... the rest of the time, i'm focus.... but is it enough? most of the time, i'm not really doing things that are important... i must change! must! must! must!

yesterday, something really bad happen to myself... by all accounts, i even say it's bad.... haha, must get used to it i guess... since it has been happening everytime it happens. i want to think it's normal, and i believe it's normal because it has to be... haha...

take care everyone....

2006-10-07T22:46:00.000+08:00

today is a relatively tiring day.... perhaps, i let the emotions overwhelm me, in the sense that i really did. i'm really really glad that things are alright between yoke and i.... misunderstandings when not solved will really make or break a relationship between 2 ppl.... really glad in that aspect....

i think that ultimately, when u care for someone, either friends or family, all u want is happiness for them... i seldom think it at the expense of me or anything, i just think that if they are happy, that's all that matters.....

i did something very foolish today. it always happen whenever i hear stuff of them... what to do? i have reconciled already. no matter what, i do care.... and alot in fact.... what's there to hide? i do care alot... not the issue, but the person. i realise all the time, putting up a happy face, maintaining that there's nothing wrong. it is in my subconsicious. i don't understand why i do that, i should be feeling much more than just doing all that. i've come to my answer today. i care, that's why, when i see that u are happy, i feel happy for u. it's not some noble shit k, it's just a feeling... hiaz.... i can't believe, i'm that passive and hate myself sometimes..

life's really funny. don't understand how it can treat u in a certain way. there's a reason by God and i will find it one day.

pain. what is pain. it is when it hits u when u least expected it, after numbness for so long. i hope that i don't have to feel it again. i think the final impact will happen very soon. i don't know how i'll cope with it, i'll find a way.

sianz. i really must work hard. hiaz. results, please motivate me... u have to, really. let me see the light alright... pls do, thank you...

2006-10-03T17:01:00.000+08:00

i realise that i have not been blogging for a while. haha.... been really busy this week, with stuff to hand in and tutorials to do. haha... went to watch stay alive yesterday... when i was watching the show, it was quite alright.... however, before i slept yesterday, i was a little freaked out!! have been daydreaming a tad bit too much... haha... luckily, managed to sleep...

feeling tired these 2 days... gotta try to sleep earlier, after settling the PBL report. sometimes, even though the society is very realistic, i just wish people don't have to act the same way. it's very irritating. what has happened to depending on one's own capabilities.... yes, other ppl are doing, but try not to do too much of it? it's like u are so seriously helpless and stupid.... well, that's just me i guess.... getting irritated when people just like to rely so much on others... is there such a need? it's ur own project, not any others. u can't always rely on others all your life. have confidence in yourself. if u don't have what it takes, that means u don't have... why aren't u aware at how others will look at u sometimes? aargh!

okay... vent some frustrations.... been really happy... well, firstly, because, i guess, contented with the fact that i know i'm not always alone. i will treasure the ppl around me more. i didn't in the past, and i really regretted it... sometimes, it's always a blessing in disguise how things turn out. if that didn't happen, our r/s would not been better than before. =)

i'm getting fat! very fat! i must lose all the weight!! save me!!

2006-09-29T23:17:00.000+08:00

today is a happy day!!!! i had lunch at 3 plus!!! all the starving was worth it!!!!! haha, i was rewarded with a nice meal at cafe cartel. it's called hawiian meat lovers... haha.... treated my sis too, to sirlion steak! yay! after that, we went to motorola to repair my phone. it took such a long time!! i was watching mr bean cartoons!! so nice!!! haha...

ok, i'm officially very very broke!!! i spent about $150 on clothes and shoes!!! die! cannot buy anything more!! but i was very happy because i have not gone shopping for a long long time! really miss it... had a nice time with twin sis too! haha... such a bad influence, always asking me to buy lots of things!!!!

hiaz. crash! back to earth! i need to do my co law assignment soon! and i mean now!! good luck man!

2006-09-27T23:15:00.000+08:00

went to the gym at toa payoh safra with peishan yesterday!! i have not swam and exercise like real hard for ages already!! i think i exercised a bit far too much, cos my left knee was hurting real bad, where each step causes intense pain... i just went to sleep and this morning, i thought it was getting better... but when i was climbing the stairs, i almost got killed! haha... but it's getting better know, thankfully...

it was great meeting peishan! and of course, jonnathan... haha... it's great talking to u... really miss u lots!!!! and dear, your dear is very nice from the first impression! haha, take care k, we'll meet soon!!!

thanks yoke for treating me kfc dinner... really was very touched... u must take care too....

my students pass their practical exams for grade 3 and grade 5!! my first time! haha, and the grade 3 one got a merit! so happy! haha.... it gives me the confidence to pursue my secret dream... yay!! nothing can drown my mood... and i mean nothing!! haha...~!

yeah, must do work soon!!

2006-09-25T22:55:00.000+08:00

hiaz. did real badly for acc quiz. 2 stupid mistakes. damn. hiaz. really quite down over it. why is it that when u have put in effort, and then, it turns out not what u hope for. i just want a pass, is it that difficult? hiaz. won't let it get it to me, i guess. what's done has already been done. but am feeling quite down about it. hiaz.

hady won singapore idol. even though my mum was rooting for jonathan, i was rather caught. hady clearly did better... well, see how it goes, it terms of the album sales. but i will buy hady's album... haha...

don't know why. perhaps, been alone too much, then those feelings will come back. i don't know why. everyone thinks the whole issue is done with. because, he's after someone, and everything is supposed to have ended with me. my feelings, the closeness. everything. i don't know what is expected of me. am i to stop talking abt it? i want to talk abt it, but perhaps, not talking abt it is the best thing. but nobody thinks i should, i don't know who to turn to. everyone just ask, u are alright with it right? and i say yes, because, that is exepected of me.

forgetting someone is not easy. coping with it is even harder. don't say that i can't because i don't want to. u are not in my shoes, u don't understand, and don't say it is. the only person i can talk to is someone i don't often see. hiaz. everyone just says he's a jerk, and then full-stop. don't talk abt it anymore. then, it's even worse, when he's everyone's good fren. u are suppose to say, yes, it's going very well. then smile, and say u are happy for them. in front of everyone, u can pretend. because when u do, u actually convince urself that things are okay. but who are u to kid, back at home, when u are alone, u feel real lousy. but then, u have to tell urself, things are over, u are not supposed to talk abt it, because nobody wants to hear. it's killing u somehow, but u have to cope with it.

weakness. i'm just human being. i can't do things at once, expect things to turn out fine. hiaz. helpless to all these.

i don't understand, how can u do that to me? when u should, u didn't, when u shouldn't u did it, so perfectly clean. have u ever wondered how it all seem to me? all those crap abt frenship. why does everyone see u for what u present. why they don't ever wonder at how u treat me. why? i think i know the ans. but i'm too afraid to type it down. hiaz. i'm just like any other person. in all your guys fun and laughter, i'm also just someone, who get hurt. i tried my best. and i don't know how long will it take. i got to remind myself time and time again, everything meant nothing. i must, otherwise, how am i to achieve it. tell me, tell me?

hiaz. i'm just down. quiz. this stupid thing. hiaz.

2006-09-24T23:04:00.000+08:00

i went to watch forbidden city yesterday! it was great, as expected. however, sometimes, i think singaporeans do take the term try to be liberal abit too literally. there are some areas as compared to the previous time, which were quite crude, and i was rather shocked by it. it marred the show a little. overall, did enjoy it! kit chan was great!!! i was in the front area, so can see the faces quite clearly... which is really not bad at all, as compared to the previous time... haha... had a nice time yesterday... went to asian kitchen for dinner, a place i've never been to before... not bad...

was talking with the guys, jy and ym... and i realise something, why bother so much about other things, when, tangible assets are the most precious of all. right now, what is concrete is what we can see and touch. the rest are just intangibles, which will hurt u no matter what. spare urself the hurt, by not actually going into those areas until ur tangible assets can override and comfort u when the intangibles hurt u. sometimes, i can't and refuse to lose anymore of what i already have. i'm gonna focus with what i can achieve and what i can do. i have spent too much of my time musing over things that don't matter. hearing others talk abt their dreams and plans, make me realise that i can do it too. i will.

i still stand by my point that people are practical. they always are. once they see u have no value to them, they just throw u aside, like some garbage. since it is so easy for one to throw the other away, i can do it too. it's really a simple act, take u by the arms, and toss it all away. it used to hurt really bad, now, there's just emptiness, nothingness. i have mastered the act of neutrality, or perhaps, it really is a simple case of, it's really nothing. there's nothing left in me, to give, to take. whatever, time will really tell....

have lots of projects these days. hiaz. good luck!

2006-09-19T23:11:00.000+08:00

change is the only constant. how true is that? before i address this question, i must say, i should be studying for my acc2, but, i really am feeling quite down, sad, or rather thinking alot, and i really wanna say what i feel...

i didn't expect many things. for one, i didn't expect our friendship to distance so much with the "intrusion" of someone. we used to talk abt almost anything, with time on our side, however, now, i gotta pick out things to tell u, in the event that i don't have time to tell u, or even have the opportunity to tell u. hiaz... it is necessary. i did forsee, just that the impact and extent of, was unexpected.... perhaps, i need to get really used to it. i really really miss u alot dear....

i really want to forget everything. in my heart, u are still there. why? i question alot abt this, i don't want u to be there. i want u to go away, far far away. i understand everything now, that it's impossible. i don't wish for anything, i don't hanker after anything. but my heart refuses to listen. do u know how much it is costing me? i want my friends to be happy, that's why i don't say anything. does it matter if i do? it doesn't matter, because, this whole issue is already settled. but why oh why, whenever i see u, i sense sadness. i can't help it. why are ppl so practical? why am i replaced so fast? the honesty of that word, replacement, is just so cutting. u don't need me anymore, simple as that. it is so different now, so so different. is that all to it? our friendship?

changes are necessary. u feel sad, but u do derive some happy points from it.

i'm focused now for my studies, if i want to, and most of the time, i can, even if my results doesn't show. i try my best.

i'm better friends with ppl i never thought could be. also thankful for that.

but why is it so often than not that we sink lower into our negative thoughts. my heart aches, the tears fall freely... i rub them away fiercely. is it because i miss u. and i can't talk abt u to u.

the issue should have been settled and covered in dust. i don't feel very good all the time, can someone tell me what to do? i am at a loss. hiaz. many questions with no ans.

okay, i have wasted enough time already. i should study. pls let me pass well...

2006-09-15T11:29:00.000+08:00

life's really very interesting. how do u define strength and weakness? in my moment of weakness, i let tears come down. in my strength, i discovered that i can accomplish quite a number of things. lately, have been feeling rather happy, in the sense that i am happy with the current situation. sch life, friends, nothing that is weighing me down that much. perhaps, the feeling that i'm not doing enough with sch work, having inadequate discipline and with coming quizzes.... really need to put in much effort to uderstand the readings!!! yesterday's quiz was quite terrible. just hope that i did not get that much mistakes so that i can get a satisfactory grade relatively easy in the end. i can hope can't i?

was just starting to really think abt things lately too. don't know the reason why, as there's not really much to think abt... hiaz... sometimes, i wonder why do i like to make lilfe difficult for myself. i know it's not really good to think abt things, but when one is alone, u can't help but really think abt things really in depth... then, tears do actually fall down. i don't see the point in talking abt things, but a moment of weakness do happen. it really does.

hurt. how do u define hurt? is it when some little things have a negative impact on u, or when the hurt is so deep that the wound can never be healed? i don't have an answer yet, but i have one that i do know. what's the point? i always question. to talk abt things that has no point at all. and, sometimes, u don't want it to matter. it matters, alot. but u have to think in a holistic environment and view. it matters to u, but to others, does it? then, what is the point really? hiaz. u tell me?

tiring to think. tiring to manage. tiring to question. accept things, live life. that's the way it is.

2006-09-12T21:52:00.000+08:00

i realise that i have not been talking much abt schwork, how am i coping and such. i happen to chance upon a fren's blog and realise that is what he's been talking abt. haha, perhaps, i should give some insights into it as it is the most important thing in my life right now, i guess. i have been putting effort into doing my tutorials i guess, listening and absorbing as compared to staring at the lecturers. right now, it's not bad, still understand most modules. the most terrifying one is accounting 2 as usual. i'm quite scared of it, because conceptual wise, still not that strong, and that, i don't really have time to do tutorial. haha, that's really my fault, cram 2 tutorials consecutively... really must plan better next sem! and i promise to complete it! the quiz is coming and i hope i do relatively alright! so many things to hand in!!

feeling physically tired nowadays... mentally is quite strong, i think? will want to finish my tutorials despite wanting to go to sleep many times... haha... and the thing is, when i'm tired, i really don't feel like doing anything!! aargh!!! damn!! i just go online and play lots of games!! like now... haha.... that's why, should not even go online in the first place?

just want to write short phrases here, titled, the wallpaper

the whole room, it is covering
empty, not a single space is
teddy bears, aeroplanes, flowers,
pictures of
all the time, it should be colourful.

shouting, the coat of painting beneath it seems to be
heard, to be.
chance, can it get?
to portray, that is what she wants.

left out, a corner has been
she has been waiting for, is it the opportunity?
should she?
flowers, teddy bears, aeroplanes,
or should she just fade in with?

conclusion, she has come to
river, she shall flow with
find the answers, she may
to be the wallpaper, or coat of paint.

2006-09-09T17:57:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i don't know what people want from me. i thought this is the best thing i can do and present to people, but apparently, it isn't. i'm confused, i act nochalant, yet people want to talk abt it. i became ignorant, yet, people don't want me to. i assume this is what everyone wants me to be, yet, it isn't so. then, what is it? i should stop assuming? yes, i do agree that i do too much of assumption making, i cause myself too much misery in any sense, but it's mine. do u understand? it's mine. i may sound like i want to indulge myself in misery. don't be mad, who wants to unhappy. oh my, u have no idea how much i tried to pull myself out of this stupid thing, u have absloutely no idea. u tell me to approach u if there's anything, oh, come on, what can u do? it's all so easy for u to say, it's all so easy for u to think it helps. this is an individual challenge, if i don't help myself, i have to depend on u forever? is that it?

what the hell, i'm sick of everyone acting like there's something wrong with me. don't get me wrong, i do appreciate the concern, i really do. however, i'm not a small girl anymore, the more everyone try to protect by hiding, the more i find it hard to deal with. i be ignorant, nochalant, and that is not what u want. what do u want me to do? and it hurts, when i know it's over, and i can't talk abt it, because it's over already. sometimes, i do wonder if i'm trying to create something, but that is seriously not the person i am. i see all of u guys everyday, i have to pretend that everything's fine when i'm not suppose to know a freaking thing?! yeah. if u can do it, so can i right, let's all pretend.

the problem is created by us. yeah, by us. damn, i don't understand u know. all these things. why is there the need to do all these. telling me things through ppl. i believe it's up to me to decide whether i can protect myself yeah? i do appreciate the concern, yet the more i see it, why? protectionism, yeah, whatever. and guess what, i found out that what i thought i told in confidences were told to him. yeah, it was very surprising. what the hell. actually, i'm not pissed, but really really surprised. hiaz. what can i expect right, these things do happen.

i'm really sorry for doubting a good fren of mine. i was wrong and i apologise, sometimes, people tend to believe the worse, it actually makes everything seem better? there's a lot more that we could have talked abt, is there a need? U say there is, u always do. But tell me, is there? In the end, all of us will forget everything, u will in a while. I will bear witness to it. I hope u are happy with the way things are now. Because, I am, and I will deal with it my own way.

U say I have a serious problem and I do not think u have a right to make any judgement. Perhaps, to u, it’s just a simple task of telling a fren what’s wrong, wanting the best for me. I see it as an insult, it’s who I am, the way I am is because of how am I brought up, and u have no right to make any judgement on it. Yeah, I say it’s my problem, it is. Whatever. We do not owe each other anything. U have moved on, I have, and I really hope that we do not have to talk abt this anymore. Help me by helping yourself. There’s nothing wrong with me.

Thank you everyone for coming along this journey with me. It’s over.

2006-09-04T22:34:00.000+08:00

secrets. what are secrets? secrets are things that people tell one another, without intending for a third party to hear. i'm quite scared of them, because i have a tendency to open my big mouth. but i will not, because, i do want to be deemed as trustworthy. i tell my friends things because they are my friends, but i realise that things somehow don't work that way. i'm gonna try...

hiaz, i'm feeling quite sad at how things turn out between 2 people. for once, i'm not talking abt myself. haha, i do realise that i like to talk abt myself quite a bit, but it's my blog. anyway, i don't understand why things have to go to the point of no-return. at least, he didn't lie to u, why do u have to stop being friends with him? what a mess... no matter what, it's good to have more friends than lesser, since, he's good friends with u to start with i guess. but different people have different ways of thoughts...

the feelings of anger have subsided within me substiantially. i don't feel anything right now. to clarify, i didn't mean to provoke anything. i have already passed the point of that. just that, friends, i don't know. people always say, maintaining friendship is very important. but is it any cause for someone to lie at all? don't know. if it's fine, then it is. i still stand by my reasoning of not tampering or lying of feelings. it's actually one's emotions at stake. pls don't ever do that to me, it's really scary....

haven't been really keeping in contact with people much. gonna start trying. perhaps, the hols are so long that i have been meeting up with ppl. suddenly, it's cut, that i'm not really used to it. but glad that my sis and i are alright now. and that, i look forward to more peaceful days. there's nothing that i want more or any lesser. thank God....

2006-09-01T23:49:00.000+08:00

i have a couple of committments, projects, presentations, other stuffs. that's why didn't blog for quite some time. i also don't really know how to blog, what to blog. i have been dealt with quite a nasty shock and i don't know how to deal with it. all in all, i have faced human nature at the very worst possible senario, situation. i have never thought that i will come to face with this situation. never.

i don't understand why. why u want to make a fool out of me? does it give u great satisfaction to have some degree of power over me, because u know u have a hold over me. i was wavering between moving forward or just stay the way it is. u have the answer already and u knew. yet u kept quiet. is that how u should treat a fren? u made me unable to move on. and u gave different versions of your part to me and another. why? am i so terrible that u see that i can be made a fool out of. why? am i so unapproachable that u want to lie to me? why? frenship. u selfish jerk. u want that. yet u made me so foolish. so distracted. damn it. why? why? why?

i have stopped wondering at why already. i do wonder, how can u lie to me so blatantly in the face? i really do see you at the lowest possible. u are someone infront of me, yet another behind me. i was just a joke to u. a problem. a damn freaking problem. i hate being ppl's problem, yet i am... a joke, a problem, that's how i am. i'm not even near the friendship word that u see it fine to lie to me. u played me, simple as that. led me on a wild goose chase. i was a willing player, and u played me beautifully like a flute.

life is so easily spelt out. u are making use of me. damn. and i let u. i trusted no one but myself, defended u. and yet, u are just that low. betrayal, that is the feeling. since u have made use of me, it's relatively easy to do the same too. u taught me that, remember. the day u decided to make a fool out of me, the day u decided that protecting your own feelings is much more important than anything else, the day u decided that i was just a problem, a joke, is the day u realise that life will often turn out not the way u want it. i believe in God, and i believe that u will get your retribution one day. u lied. that's it.

i'm really very tired. i don't feel that much anger or anything. injustice. played. like a fool. trust in u? save it. i can't anymore. like what the heck, like u care?

everyone ard me is like so far away. hiaz.

glad for family...

i miss many ppl.... hiaz

many stuff to do... good luck...

2006-08-28T22:32:00.000+08:00

i still have this hollow feeling in me. which i wish fervently that it wld go away, so i wld stop coughing!! hiaz.... pls, let me get well soon.

i have to stop eating!! i have been eating too much!! aargh!! die le... hiaz.

crazy recently, thinking very stupid thoughts, partly with me being sick and all... i don't understand ppl much. i don't understand why ppl can just let go much? don't know, don't really wanna care...

replaced/displaced... don't really care...

just wanna read harry potter

just wanna carry life on peacefully

will i get my wish?

and stop feeling so much

2006-08-27T22:15:00.000+08:00

i hate being sick. it reminds me how vulnerable i am. how easily prone to touching acts i am. like i was reading the article abt close bonds between family memebrs, and i teared?! madness.... anyway, breathing now, still abit painful, cos throat is still hurting a little with some coughing. chest, feels heavy man, when i breathe... i hope i don't get any more chest pains. it's starting to freak me out now.... it's the 3rd time, of intense pain for abt half an hr... hopefully, it will not come again.... hiaz...

had pizza for dinner! i think i shouldn't have it. but my mum didn't say anything... haha... it's nice thought....

thanks for my granny for giving me ju hua cha!! it was not very nice tasting, but.... nice!

i will get better!

2006-08-24T21:39:00.000+08:00

i thought i would be very disappointed, even remotely sad. the thing is, i don't feel anything. i'm not even supressing anything at all... haha... i think, in my deepest feeling, i am, but, i have been running away from what i'm feeling nowadays that i'm too tired to distinguish if this is real or not....

it's quite tiring to act like i got the hots for many cute guys. it's so not me, but, somehow, i feel that i can prevent ppl from seeing what is actually inside, because, i'm kinda scared to feel, to grasp hold of what is actually felt by me. u may just say, then stop it! if it's so simple... i will do it. sometimes, i just do not want to, but before i could stop it, the words just came out of me. mostly, i really do not want ppl to think there's something wrong or anything, and am i trying too hard? i don't know. perhaps. yeah, i'm gonna stop soon. i have no energy to fight with u anymore. u have won. and i hope u are happy with it.

i really thought i found a friend in u. however, u are the one who is fraught with insecurities and stupid thoughts that is spoiling the friendship by alot. when i heard that u say so in other words that it's none of my business, i was hurt. yes, i was. i recognise, that, indeed, it is, none of my business. is it? do u really think so? then why are u preventing the knowledge of it from me on purpose? maybe it's not done on purpose, but, u admit that u have no intent? whatever. u can do what u want, and when it's time to come crying back to me, i will just take u in, like i always do. i have done the best i could in this situation, and i believe, stronger than anyone that could have done. there is nothing more that i could have done and i don't wish to do so anymore. i have nothing left in me anymore. it's spent, truly, and all.

i understand why i am so afraid to lose ppl, to form relationships. i have lost too many people i have loved. life is so damn fragile, after a glance, u could lose them just like that. my aunt, grandfather, cousin. nobody can ever understand the feeling of never seeing anyone again. it's really a scary feeling, and i hope that i can face it one day. and learn to let go, truly when it's time.

hurt, what is hurt? who can hurt u? sigh, damn, i swore not to get hurt by ppl, frens, and i did again. sometimes, i do question if i'm too selfish or not, being too preoccupied with myself. and i do try, but perhaps, the other party is too tired? and i should stop expecting too much? expectations again. i can't seem to leave this topic.... and when one fully grasp the idea that u mean nothing at all to him or her, that is when u know that u should bid a graceful exit...

i'm tired, truly tired by all these. life was so simple last time. now, too many ppl, to many issues. it is truly taxing and tiring. i have already and is starting to close both eyes. i choose not to see, choose not to hear, and lastly, choose not to understand. by doing all the above, i can protect what little is left in me. the truly siim ann that have been missing for so long. don't worry guys, i'll be back soon, this period has been abit stupid, really crazy of me. i'm tired.

peishan, i'm sorry for not meeting u. hope to cya soon! really miss u lots...

2006-08-22T21:50:00.000+08:00

i guess i have to stop running away from the issue. or perhaps, even avoiding the issue. the reason i have stopped blogging for these few days it's because i don't know how to talk abt this issue anymore, or is there any need? well, perhaps, just say my few cents worth before it is blown out of proportion...

to say something fair... in the first place, there is absloutely no reason at all that u shld tell me abt it. none at all. the thing is, there's simply nothing to tell, i mean, even as a normal fren, i respect your wishes to say nothing at all because there is nothing concrete, confirmed or anything. however, i don't understand the secrecy at all, the purpose/intent not to let me know. and i'm suppose to feel alright with that? then, what do u see me as? some person who will then do something supposedly because u rejected me? come on! does it matter if i know it now or later? and, how do u want me to find out?

trust me, whatever the time, it doesn't really matter... i will still know it and the hurt will still be there... i was quite surprised that the confirmation wasn't as bad... it was, alright, i kind of expected it already. hiaz, why do u guys want to hide things from me on purpose? does it really matter? if u care that much, then stop inflicting hurt... moral of the story, the more u try to hide the more the truth will come to light. what's the point?! i still don't understand now.

i hate myself for knowing u that well. damn it. why is it things that pertain to u, i never see wrongly. u see the right person, and this happens to be the right timing, u just go for it. why are u that predictable, and why can i even predict the right person? simply, i don't really care anymore. u can go and do whatever u deem as correct, keep me in the dark and then wham! let me find out just like that. that is really a good idea. all in all, u are just protecting yourself. whatever, i feel very tired for justifying whatever reasons there are. up to u. just don't come to me time and time again, expecting things to remain the same, when u are the one, doing all this little things, to make it complicating and difficult. okay? let's play fair.... whatever....

i was feeling quite lousy on the train ride to sembawang to meet mz. all those angry thoughts just overcame me and i can't keep them from coming. i hope i don't create a mess with my straightforwardness. i tend to speak without thinking of the consequences, just hope that jm did take me seriously...

i had a fabulous time with mz today! he treated me milo.... haha, thanks manz! made me forget abt those stupid things! he stunned me today lor... i hope it's the last time... my fragile heart can't withstand anymore sudden shocks...! haha... the movie was not bad at all... well, it teaches us to treasure the ppl that we love and to appreciate them more. that if u don't treasure the ppl u love, u will lose all that u have.... not a bad theme... it's a pity that it is too fast, that we are as blur as the main character. which i don't think is what moviegoers should feel even though that is the purpose?

haha.... anyway, really should start studying or something... sianz!!

2006-08-20T00:01:00.000+08:00

today is quite a nice day. it's because everyone is not in a bad mood today. haha. i do guage my days like that.

i better keep up with the readings and homework and pretty tuff stuff...! i'm just so slack! haha

i do also want to keep up with my jogging!

2006-08-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

my life is centering on the pool table.... i'm the white ball, trying to hit the surrounding stripe or coloured balls. sometimes, i do hit and when i do perform and is up to expectations, the coloured balls fall into the holes. if i don't, i get to knock abt them a couple of times before i can meet up to expectations. i really hope and pray that i hit on the right targets all the time and fall safe and sound into the holes. i mean it's all human nature to want to be correct all the time. well, i guess we'll see....

anyway, feeling more alright nowadays.... been reading this book which seems to articulate all my thoughts abt r/s, guys and feelings... haha, it's quite an honest and funny read... it makes me think i'm not that alone and that liking someone is not a mistake at all....

i hope that i can complete my tutorials in time.... quite sianz abt it.... hiazz.... it's like i got cca stuff to do, which i seriously don't feel like doing but yet have to... hiaz.... see how it goes ba....

2006-08-16T14:02:00.000+08:00

haha..... haha.... haha....

now i do understand why u have been keeping a distance. it's funny how i didn't see it. actually, i did, perhaps, i just choose not to. what's the point in keep things from me? u have no guts. simple as that. i don't want to hear anymore praises abt u, because it just is not fair.... u have no guts. u don't want to let me know, and i have to find out from another, well, u have done it very well. i do understand that it is not the right timing and everything, but u do think i'm blind? i should not expect anything coming from u, i did not. but i was naive, my heart expects. so, i'm suppose to smile, say cheese, tease, say congraulations. i do not forsee a problem in that, that's my forte. i have let down my guard for far too long and it serves myself right. i will put it up now. perhaps u wonder, what good does it serve me? it protects me, far more than u know.

why is it still now that u question me? u want to spare me the hurt/trouble? oh, spare me that. if u do really have such noble notions, then, remain a monk. don't do all these and then say another thing/feel another thing. in the end, it all remains the same. yes, i do forsee that this day would come, i just didn't expect it to be so soon. people are frivolous, and so are u. there's really no point in blaming anyone now there is? damn it, why do people shit and i have to clean up the mess myself? damn u. of course, u are not even lifting a finger to help, just come all high and mighty on me. come to me whenever u need to confide in someone, throw me aside when u have dear old someone to talk to. if u do actually tell me what u are up to, ain't that easy? u think it's easy for me, i have to question myself am i sending out the wrong signals, do not want u to misunderstand, and then, actually have to consider whether u are alright. it's easy if u cancel out the first 2 steps. can't u just tell me? up till now, u still do not dare to face me when u are also responsible for this incident. damn it.

the realisation that i still like u stinks. i wish to just cut off all contacts with u. like i did with mz, it would definitely hasten the process. i'm almost there already, just there's this part of me is still oh so stubborn. damn. i hate myself so much, i try to immerse myself in work, it does help. but when i go to sch, the damn cycle will start all over again, and i have to go home and kick myself. shit. in case u do want to know, i give u my blessings. i do. it's just that why do u want to hide from me? what's the point? coward.

big grps, small grps. life was much simpler between the 2 of us. i miss u so much. it's so difficult now to be myself. it's good in a way, u have this grp of frens to always fall back on, ppl u know u can count on. hiaz. i really should stop complaining. always so non-appreciative. putting up a front, ain't everyone doing that? sigh, it's so difficult to be yourself sometimes, i feel so tired. trying to be myself, yet i can't totally yet. it's so hard to talk abt myself anymore. i'm not even expecting anything. it really suxs.

i found myself in tears in the bathroom yesterday. damn it, you are not a weakling!! u are a survivor. u have survived so many things already, what more is this? i know i will, i'm a survivor, but at what cost? i do not dare to venture out into this yet, what's the point in scaring myself so much?

work work work. i do welcome it alot. it doesn't matter if the end result is not what i want, i gave my best shot. in everything i do, i gave my best shot. it matters all over in the end, but let me lie to myself for a while, for everyone. it's easier this way. that everything will turn out fine, i will be ok soon, and be really happy.

for now, it's still smile, tease, laugh, and say cheese. i can do it. GOD BLESS ME....

2006-08-14T14:51:00.000+08:00

had my first lesson of AB214 today. i think it will be an interesting class. i like the tutor at first impression even though she seems a tad bit long-winded. well, most tutors are like that? this year, the feeling is rather different from the previous semester. i was quite stressed even though the term has not started. this sem, perhaps, with the right amount of expectations, it was not that stressful yet. so, kind of at the right kind of pace. sch's alright, though, i do miss time spent with yoke. i don't think it can be helped because we do exist as a group now, which is not bad either... =) some adjustments need to be done i guess...

sometimes, i think it's not intentionally done, but it just happened. the usual amount of hiding is already taking place. hiaz, i'm not the kind who will share easily and it suxs when u start to hide again. i think it can't be helped as u want to present what u are, but can't really, because u have to understand you are not alone in this world.

things do happen whether i like it or not. hiaz, i just didn't envisage that it will happen so soon. replacement, displacement. it's just a play of words. ultimately, it all mean the same thing, people's presence being taken over by another. i think it was foolish of me to expect and think that things will remain unchange. much as i like to believe yoke's words, that some things/ppl will all come back to starting point, i'm starting to doubt myself. well, actually, it doesn't matter i guess, in the end, i will not matter at all. i'm kind of disappointed in us, in you and i, that i can't make things stay the same, and that you do not seem to want to do anything abt it. what to do? that's life. i should have learnt from all my mistakes, but i still steadfastly held to my beliefs that things will not change. what a dumb ass, they have. i can't pretend that things are the same, i can't yet, and i don't think i ever will. i will try, but it will come out unnatural. it suxs, cos it still hurts. damn, when will i stop hurting? i hope it's soon man. i'm tired of feeling this way towards the both of u. it's really damn tiring.

hiaz. whatever. i'm not gonna let u spoil my life any longer. =)

2006-08-13T22:30:00.000+08:00

i went to watch fireworks yesterday!! it was so damn cool and nice!!!!!!! love it to bits! i felt like my hopes were coming and raining down on me! i wanna watch it again! i love the golden ones! yay!!

anyway, i'm gonna slp early! haha...

2006-08-11T11:44:00.000+08:00

today was rather interesting enough.... yoke called me when i was sleeping.... i was quite shocked, because it was so sudden! haha... but it's a nice surprise... =)

my dad went for the operation yesterday... and i was at the hospital waiting... didn't feel like eating, i mean, even if u know things will be relatively safe, u still can't help but worry.... i guess...? when i saw my dad, i was filled with sadness.... in the sense, u never thought u wld see ur dad so vulnerable? i mean, u never thought that ur dad will be so helpless lying there alone... hmm, and i realise that i do love my dad alot, simply because he's my dad. i can't deny the fact that i'm my dad's daughter, i can see that now.... and i promise i wld try to be much nicer to him no matter what i guess....

i was feeling quite lonely ytd... and i thought of something that yoke asked once... something abt which situation of loneliness is the worse... i think i wasn't really mindful of being that alone, i have somehow gotten used to it due to my experience in the hospitals. i couldn't help but think it wld be nice to have someone with u. someone there who is there unconditionally... i think it will sort of take off the stress of worry and make u less serious i guess.... i mean, i do think stupid things sometimes....

i have understood that we can't expect ppl to do much for u when u don't even present it properly in the first place.... don't know.... it's just seldom that i'm ready to share and thought it would be quite easily caught on? i mean, i do sense when ppl wanna talk, but that doesn't mean i can expect the same from another? yeah, i can't, but i think i can hope? well, i should have not even placed any expectations.... that's why i'm kind of afraid that this might happen.. perhaps, i'm just an insecure bitch who's damn unreasonable... well, i don't know... anyway, it doesn't really matter. sianz le... ppl can come and go... that's just it....

anyway, whatever, sick of many things pertaining to him recently.... anyway, there won't be a him much longer in me... yay! so relieved and gald of that...

kk, gonna go for meeting/talk/lec? haha... bye!

2006-08-08T21:08:00.000+08:00

today started rather early for me. have not woken up that early in abt 3 months. at abt 630, was already up when i slept at ard 130 the day itself... haha... doing the pretest! which is super sianz! anyway, was helping out at the pretty turf booth. i'm still having this surreal feeling of getting myself into something which requires a lot of responsibilities...! well, i will try my best ba! i really hope that yoke can cope alright too! =)

after a busy day at the booth, i really wonder at the many gals in NTU joining pretty turf. haha, we went to celebrate jh's bday at canteen a. haha, the look on his face when he have to hold the balloon was so damn funny! it's a big chicken little!! haha... most of the gals took photos with him! he became our mini celebrity! haha... so cute!

went to play pool after that! yay! i have improved! haha, actually, must really thank jh... he thought it well... =) thanks!

went to the arcade to play daytona... hiaz, i can never win a race with these guys... haha... anyway, had fun!

then, hope dad is alright too... hiaz, his reatina(how do u spell that?) tore or something. if he doesn't go for the operation, he will go blind! anyway, really hope nothing happens. fear struck in me when i heard that... i know God will bless my father... i really do pray...

anyway, been feeling quite nice today... and i hope yoke does too... cheers dear!!

2006-08-06T15:22:00.000+08:00

i don't know why, but my friends seem to understand me better than i myself. for instance, yoke could identify that i'm having conflicting thoughts.

hwee min is even better. she pointed out that i'm controlling and pushing myself. i didn't even realise or know that i was doing that. i have often wondered why i have dealt with this relatively fast, and i was controlling my emotions. i can't help it. hm, i can't do what u ask me of. i'm really can't. i choose to do it the hard and difficult way. i know it's not really helping me, but i don't really see another way to cope with it. in the process, i know i will get hurt. i know that i will be the one losing out. i thought i could handle being nice and everything, but it's eating me up alive. i don't know what to do. if i carry on this act, i don't know if i have the strength to come out alive, the person that i can and am and want to be. God, i need the strength and courage. i believe You have given me this situation to cope with it, therefore, for u i will find the strength and courage to move on. i will.

i understand now why ppl say that ur gf or bf is your life, everything. stupid right. yeah.

sch's starting tmr. have been keeping myself quite busy. i hope it's enough for everything. hiaz. yeah....

2006-08-05T23:11:00.000+08:00

i've figured out what's wrong.

i'm scared of 2 things.

i really hope that throughout the year, i will iron out the fear and resume my normal feelings. then, it will finally stop bothering me.... i need to give myself a chance.... and i will...

i'm glad my textbooks are settled... thanks jm for your help. really appreciate it.

actually, i have many thoughts. i don't know where to start. ok, news flash! ps's attached! haha... really glad for her.... my good frens are attached. i'm really glad for them... the thing is, it's really funny, or rather heart-warming, because, they will tell u that your turn will come soon... i'm like?? huh? haha...

the news are currently populated by adoption of single parents, surrogate mothers... i realise that one don't need a complete family, technically, to have a complete family. i realise that the current society creates a lot of opportunities, such that, it's not that we want to or not to have this option. just that, it is available, so that we can explore it. have u think abt it, that we don't know there's this option? it's also another situation, where it is natural. but, we have these options now. things don't have to be so-called "natural". all in all, u don't need a male to reproduce. and i realise, males and females come together just to have children. u don't really need them, do we?

i seem to forget once again what to blog. i was having all these thoughts just now... hmm, yeah, something abt hating ppl. i don't know why, perhaps, hating is a natural process... i don't know? i'm tired of playing games, actually it's not really a game. perhaps, trying to keep up the pretense... i'm not going to anymore. i'm really a straightforward person. i'm not that concerned anymore. it's just like any other ppl. so, yupz. whatever?

anyway, that's all for now... sch's starting! i'm keeping myself quite busy man, really don't mind... just that, haha, so sudden and weird...!

2006-08-03T14:20:00.000+08:00

i had a happy time yesterday! went to causeway point to meet wx, hq and hm for dinner at swensens! wx was showing us photos of her trip to sydney, melbourne and new zealand... it's so cool!! to have all the pictures!!! and then snow! experiencing nature at close range! sigh... what a life! and the houses, all so nice and colonial! wow! really hope to be able to go some place like that soon!!!! =) haha... really had a fun time yesterday... and we must meet up during the hols!!

actually all i wanted to do was to share my joy... together with my tiredness, i was not really in the best of mood... perhaps, i thought i knew ppl. but i realise, there's so much that i don't. perhaps, it's not that, but the fact that i have placed too much expectations, expectations that are wrong. ppl come and ppl go, but i thought some are meant to stay forever. i was wrong in that too. that's why, i place that amount of expectations or even dare too. therefore, the disappointment was even greater. i gave up and went to sleep in the end. i wasn't overly feeling anything... nothing much, just tiredness i guess...

what is expectation? i define it as a feeling of anticipation someone places towards another... i think i will place lesser expectations. situation's changing, ppl are changing... in that way, i wld not expect someone to place unreasonable expectations on me and me on them. that's lesser hurt-causing and even lesser feelings..... it's really better this way...

i hate it and find it extremely irritating when ppl apologise for stupid things, or things that does not even need apologising abt. what does it do? just send stupid wrong signals that u do really care. make u feel better? and is there a need to feel better what nothing wrong is done in the first place? and did i even say i was angry? i wasn't even feeling anything. what the hell.... so it's really irritating and i wish it'll stop. u wanna be nice? do me a favour, stop it.... crazy...

ok, going jogging! i must jog 3 km!!!! and i will! jiayou to myself! haha....

last thing abt u

2006-08-02T01:05:00.000+08:00

the whole incident or rather episode in my life started off rather innocent. girl meets boy. boy meets girl. somehow, i happen to be at the right place at the right time. he needed someone to talk to as his best friend is in overseas. it didn't occur to me that he needed someone to confide in, i thought it was rather unusual that 2 people can confide and talk abt anything relatively well. i thought it was special, wouldn't u think so? it is seldom that u can find someone that u can talk abt everything under the sun. i think even with best friends, some things u don't wanna say because of some reasons. but to him, it was rather different. it comes off rather naturally.

apparently, it wasn't enough. this connection. sometimes, i wonder, whenever i see u, i'm filled with this tiredness, sadness and perhaps a hint of anger. however, there's no anger now, just some sadness, and i think it would not go away for a long time still. i can't pretend that i am gald to see u everytime. every time i see u, it would bring back memories, something that my floodgates cannot control. know what's the worse thing is? that i have to be ok in front of everyone. i am already. but it did took some time. sadness, hmm, actually, more so for u i guess. for my part, it is a long time, i have my own peace with myself. i swore to myself right from the beginning that if u lie to me, can't accept me for who i am, i will forget abt u that way. cos when i see u, i see someone who needs someone to support u. u are a people's person that way. and i can't be that person u see, no matter how good a friend i can be to u. it'll never be the same, friends and something more.

i don't want to hurt u. but sometimes i don't know how to and how not to, whether i am or not. it doesn't really bother me anymore, the way u think towards a certain thing as it used to. i don't know, just that, the thing between us right now, i often feel that i'm in a r/s with no strings attached. i know u are there for me and u know u can count on me. for me, that's alright. but is it healthy for both of us? i question this lately. and i don't think so. and i don't want to hurt u in the sense that u are not that important for me to care anymore. i know that once ur best friend is away, u will start to talk to me and then? reliance this way, is not right?

i'm very very afraid and wary. of the things we know abt each other. our closeness. i have been trying to put a distance, i think i have to. if i do not do it, u will not.... sometimes, i really wonder how can u be so selfish. how can u want the best of both worlds? knowing someone is always there. but at no cost. u tell me one thing, u do another thing. i really wonder, why can't u make up your mind? u are afraid of making another mistake? news flash: u already have. i did not give anything up, perhaps, that is what makes it easier for me to deal with. just take it simply that u have rejected me then.

i choose to like u. i can also choose to unlike u. i accept everything that comes with it. i remember at the initial stages, when i was caught between liking u or not, i was troubled. i did not want to like u, because, i'm afraid that history might repeat itself. true to my worst fears, it did. i trusted u. i should not have, but i did. i wonder how that could have happened at all. but it did, and in a way, u did betray my trust. lie to me, and everything u say. whatever ba.

yoke always tell me with regards to him, give it more time. hwee min also question me, are u sure u are over him? u may wonder, why am i so insistent to forget him? the answer is actually very simple. i told myself that i would take this hols to forget him... just this hols. and i have. i don't want any distractions anymore. what's the point? not to forget abt him, holding on to what? HOPE? where there is none? i choose to believe there's none. it's easier this way, be harsh on yourself.

i was talking to geraldine the other way. i recognise alot of what u have recognised, much earlier than me anyway. that it wouldn't have worked out. i do thank you in that way, for not giving me a bad first time. i so much wanted to believe that it will work out that blurred my judgement for so long.

i often forgive but i never forget. for u, i will never forgive u for not giving us a chance, for yourself and me. i understand that u have a bad experience, but u are costing me too, and that, i really can't forgive. i'm sorry.... however, forget, it comes rather easily this time, and i thank God and my will power for giving me the strength to move on.

i appreciate u alot as a fren. that, u must know. =)

i think my close frens will be shock by this honest entry. for a long time, i have been looking for some sort of closure. and i believe this is the best way. i want to tell all not to worry abt me. i'm not that vulnerable... haha.... to yoke and peishan: all the best, okay!!!!!

i have stopped crying for a long time. the smile is coming out more and more often. i want to revert back to my bubbly self and i can grasp it already. been really contented and happy these few days, knowing that i no longer have this attachment, this feeling of not letting go, it really relieves me.... =)

i have nothing more to add to this issue. this is the final entry...

i also want to thank my twin sis, for always asking me out, making me forget in the activities we do. younger sis, for always saying that he is a jerk. haha...

ok, that's it.... end of story....

2006-08-02T00:02:00.000+08:00

i watched lakehouse today... and the theme of the show is abt waiting for the love... or rather, waiting for the one love, the right person that is for u. i love it! always a sucker for romantic movies!!!!!! haha....

something have been on my mind recently... i use willpower to push it back. however, i think i can't push it back much longer. actually, i wanted to blog abt it today, but have been caught up in chatting with secondary sch frens! haha, really miss them man!!!

i went to the arcade with twin sis today... we wanted to get marie the cat!!! but! we didn't succeed! i don't really wanna part with my money....

anyway, the left side of my mouth is hurting... for the whole day... i don't know what's wrong, and i hope it goes away tmr... hiaz, kind of worried, u don't think it's some infection or something? i hope not... and my right leg is a little sprained... it's not healing!!! hiaz... how? see how it goes ba.... =(

2006-07-30T22:34:00.000+08:00

today started off rather well. had my usual piano lesson before heading to jy's hse for some fun!! haha.... today's turn out was not bad. the usual, yoke, jm, jh, bh and yz!! haha... yz and i had a "battle"... we were playing streetfighter... haha... had a fun time laughing... i like fighting games... haha... don't u think it's so fun to fight!! haha... reminds me of the time when i played with my cousins... girls are more polite, as they wouldn't have all those languages... haha.... nice!!

anyway, some phrases for thought. too tired to really want to blog out everything.

your presence is diminishing
still important, but bearable
unusual, not noticeable
anymore.

i thought i would find it sad
but, i don't.
perhaps, relief.
better.

hiaz... no mood le... cya...! haha

2006-07-28T14:10:00.000+08:00

i've been sort of procrastinating abt blogging... haha... busy mapling... not really addicted, just that, i really have nothing to do, and maple is mind-numbing. it makes me not think... haha, which is not good, but, a good distraction. so, what do i need distracting from? actually, nothing much, or rather, nothing serious, just that, it's not good to keep thinking abt them. i think... haha....

anyway, an update! went to celebrate ym's bday at tbp with yoke and jy... haha, when u put 2 really crappy ppl tog, u'll get lots of fun and laughter, and a bad stomache!! haha.... haven't crap that happily in quite a while... somehow, the feeling is different, crapping or idling chatting with different ppl.... ytd was somehow more relaxed than the ganbei session... perhaps, the feeling or situation has changed rather dramatically ba.... haha... i think it's the way i'm feeling or thinking right now... and i like the feeling of being free-spirited... instead of a heavy stone lying on me... =)

if i see something that i find suited for a friend, the cost does not really worry or bother me.... esp, if the fren is an important fren... well, somehow, so, i hope, just don't dwell abt the reasons on why i bought it, ok? it's really nothing...

somehow, the more u try to portray that nothing is really going on, the result is usually the opposite? it's not hard to venture a reason why, it's because u keep making it not a big deal that i turned out to be one... damn... why is it sometimes so hard to really just tell it as it is? because subtly doesn't work, straightforwardness doesn't work... what does? perhaps, just whatever...?

i wonder do we need to purposely do something? esp in a relationship. sometimes, why can't 2 ppl just simply be in love? enjoy the company of each other. walking, holding hands with a happy smile on their faces. pointing out things interesting to each other. sharing thoughts that matches. touching each other faces lovingly. why must there be complexity? like factors including jealously, spitefulness among others? i don't know why, but i hope it doesn't happen to me. i would rather be out than be in something not joyful. love is about spreading and sharing it. not indulging in weird fantasies, i think?

anyway, been feeling really playful recently... haha, conscience is not bothering me... in the sense that i feel like doing what i want to? haha... see how ba, really wanna do something stupid... haha....

2006-07-27T00:04:00.000+08:00

went to watch a movie today! lady in the water by M. Night Shyamalan. i like it very much!! i've checked the reviews, they didn't write very nice stuff abt it... well, too bad! i thought it has a childlike quality which is lacking in many movies nowadays... haha, i'm not a movie critic then! i think movies which are imaginative, where, it is not real, appeals to me greatly... i've always believed that the impossible is much more beautiful... =)

i've been thinking alot recently... also don't know why... haha, perhaps it's after meeting yoke i guess, i got inspired to do some thinking... haha... will share it when it's clearer.... =)

celebrating ym's bday tmr... gonna be interesting! =)

2006-07-25T23:15:00.000+08:00

went town with yoke today!! we catch up lots!!!!! and i realise that i have not talked so much for a long time, stuff that matters to me.... hmm, it's really great to catch up and hope that things are always fine on your side...!!!

i think i'm gonna have a busy week ahead... =)

2006-07-24T20:41:00.000+08:00

i had a marvellous time today!! went kbox!! but my dear sis is so sianz.... then didn't wanna sing lots... in the end, i almost had my own concert!! haha.... hmm, my song knowledge is so limited!! can't sing much... but no matter what, i always enjoy singing...!! after that, we headed to hereen to shop a little... after the spending spree at KL, we felt a bit reluctant to part with our cash... haha... after that, went to watch thank you for smoking...! i like the show! it's abt political pirorities between the smoking industry and non-smoking senator... i thought the pace could have been alot faster, and the dialouge sharper so that the laughs will come much faster and more... but all in all, good show!

i was stunned, when jh asks me how i define ppl who are impt to me.... i thought, ain't it quite obvious, that certain ppl are more impt than another... it's all abt, who has always been there for u... my answer was who bothered to keep in touch with me... i didn't go into details, but it made me think abit... how do u define ppl who are impt to u... my definition is, that i do constantly think of them, wanting to be there for them in any way... anyone who makes me feel this need, is impt! haha, kind of rubbish? but that's how i think... it doesn't really matter if they do not feel the same way, think the same thoughts towards impt, but as long as i find them impt, they will always have a place in my heart...

sometimes, i really wonder, am i always fated to meet jerks? i think the reason God has given me these experiences is that i can see the many faces of guys... what they really are, how they can think, in terms of the BGR aspect... however, i thank God for giving me great guy frens... perhaps, i finally do understand john donne when he professes abt platonic frenship, being the most impt and precious, it is the most unique and most valuable of all...

what is one's greatest fear? at some point in time in one's life, this question must have crossed us... perhaps, we don't dare to say it out, because we liked to be thought of as strong and infalliable, having the ability to cope with anything. i'm no different. i was thinking of this question, well, cos, i was bored with chatting abt the usual mundane topics and thought something like this wld spice up the conversations... haha, i'm pretty lame... well, i can't admit my greatest fear right? haha....

i'm glad that the trip was a healing process all over... i managed to give some thoughts at bay... and i realise that i'm not thinking abt it any longer!! yay!! haha... i was just walking home and i realised it is seldom that i felt so light... literally... in the past, something will always be weighing on my mind... yay!! it's gone!! haha....

kind of looking forward to sch starting... it's time to put my brain to use i guess.... damn stupid man... i am... well, there's always space for amends!! haha... so, yupz....

meeting yoke tmr!!! yay!!!

2006-07-23T00:35:00.000+08:00

back from KL and genting! broke with a capital B!! haha, but, i had a nice time shopping!! i managed to forget a lot of things when i shop! then, when i was on the bus ride home, i can't help but think, sch's starting... sianz man... in a way, looking forward to it, i think the focus for this sem shld not be much a problem.... hopefully, all my planning and stuff would bring me the results i want!

i'm tired... talk more tmr!

2006-07-17T13:33:00.000+08:00

last entry for a couple of days... i can't sleep last night, because i've been bogged down by this rather unresovled thought i have... damn, even my cousins, who i have tuition everyday with have commented on my rather small eyes... due to the lack of sleep i guess...

these few months, i have been forgetting stuff that i'm supposed to do... stuff my family have entrusted in me.... of course, i did not forget on purpose... but the thing is, they seem to think that i have been too self-absorbed in myself to forget simple stuff.... hiaz... am i? i was not really like that in the past... ever since i entered uni, i just can't remember, stuff that they told me yesterday, or the day itself, i will just forget to do later.... i seriously did not do it on purpose... why?

is it because i've discovered self? myself? i used to be someone with super low self-confidence... insecurity plauged me very badly... the thing is, i have been better in terms of coping with myself, and perhaps, i've taken it abit too far? i've tried to remember, and i really hate myself for forgetting... but what i can't forgive is the lack of understanding... we are siblings, and, must u scold me to the extent that i do it on purpose? the thing is, it is not hurting me anymore, and that worries me... what is happening? i have dealt with it, or rather, learn to live with it? perhaps, to both.... since i can't find a solution, must as well, dispel everything... hiaz... what's the point? things are going well, and then they are not... damn, why must my relationship with u be such a see-saw.... can't it be a river, with up and downs at certain periods, not all the time... hiaz... i don't know what to do anymore... i do believe that God have a plan for me though... that, i trust in him to help me figure out what's going on somehow...

yes, i will try to remember things from now on.... i will try my best...

hmm, sometimes, i do wish that whatever i do, it doesn't feel so much like i'm doing it for the sake of it... because it's right, because i have to do it... i just wish i can do things because i want to do it, that i like it.... but the thing is, life is such that i can't really do what i want all the time... and i seriously suxs... know what's the worse thing? it's knowing that u can't and u have to hide behind a facade... this is all leading to the fact that i've gotten over u... but i can't help but u think i haven't... and i don't know if i should tell u, and i don't know if u would still think i have feelings for u after i told u... some say i should, some say i shouldn't... i want to.... but should i? whenever i face u now, i feel a sense of tiredness... i don't know why... somehow, i feel tied down and draggy, which is wrong? because, i have nothing bound to u and u have nothing bound to me at all... DUTY... is that all it is to it? or have i started to hate u somehow, tt's why i have this feelings? or is it expectations? that i feel u have towards me.... people say i don't think enough... i think i have think too much.... i think i have already... and i want to sleep, run away, from all this... i welcome the break.... because, there is already one... u put it between us, and i feel i have to bridge it, but why must i? duty again... because, that's the way i am... hmm, i'm confused? yes, i am.. let me be, i'm tired....

hiaz.... i will enjoy my trip!!!!!

2006-07-17T00:33:00.000+08:00

i didn't want to blog initially, but i realise that it would be my last entry before i leave for genting and KL... perhaps, should blog abt something... haha... today, finally went for my kboxing session with yz and jy!!!! it's been a long time!!! i enjoyed every minute!! after that, we went shopping ard town area....

then met everyone at cine to watch pirates of the carribean: the dead man's chest! this is my second time!! haha.... i love it!!! ok, i may gush abt the guys in the show here and there... well, they are really good!! haha.... anyway, the plot is alot of content... i can't wait for the next movie to come!!!!

haha.... anyway, i didn't realise that what one feels on the inside may sometimes be reflected on the outside... hmm... should be careful i guess... hiaz, sometimes, afraid that the past would come back on haunt me. if i start to seriously mind what everyone thinks of me in the serious sense, i would seriously fail to comprehend myself anymore.... whatever for now....

sometimes, i can't help but wish that my mom understands me... i wanna do well, just wish that she would stop mentioning stupid stuff that i do not want to be reminded of... i promise myself that i would try real hard next sem... and pls, really, stop adding salt on my wounds... i mean, don't say things u don't mean it? just because on isolated incident, u put me on trial and send me to serve my sentence without listening to me at all... hiaz, luckily, it didn't get to me that badly... well, we are going on a trip together... best to maintain peace....

hmm.... sometimes, when u tell people abt things, things when u don't even see the logic, and they don't... so perhaps, they whole issue is just illogical... whatever...

kk, everyone out there, take care!!!